Titanic 21-24 Part 6: Day 5
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Part 6: Day 5
(April 14th, 1912)
Chapter 21: The Last Morning of our Last Day!
As my mind screamed from sheer terror, I heard in its depths, Mom crying out for me. "Josh, please baby, come back to me. I am here with you and no one can hurt you."
"Mom? I am here Mom! Where are you?" My mind screamed out.
I tried my best to look everywhere around me, but the surface of the freezing ocean was dark! The only thing my eyes were able to pick out was the Titanic now off in the distance. Distracted by the sight of this sinking goliath, I forgot about Mom's ghostly voice that I kept hearing. Instead the Nightmare took over once again, drowning out everything else! The whole front of the ship was now completely under water. What amazed me and in a way was even scary; was seeing the back end of the Titanic sticking up so high from the water.
I could hear loud noises that I could only describe as sounding like metal banging, scraping, and ripping apart! Even from the distance I was, I could hear the people screaming on the ship. Then an even louder noise came from Titanic and I watched as the back of her broke off and then fell back towards the water. The Aft section of the ship hit the water hard and sent up great splashing waves. For a few minutes it just bobbed in the water before being pulled down into the depths of the ocean to join the bow in its now watery grave.
When the Titanic sank completely from sight and I was now all alone, something in my mind snapped and I once again started screaming! Yes I was terrified but that was not really the full reason I was screaming now. No, watching the Titanic disappear out of site made me realize something else! I was truly alone! I was now positive that everyone that I ever loved or cared for, had gone down with that ship!
Suddenly I was jerked from my nightmare, hacking and gasping for breath. I found myself cradled in Mom's arms and saw Dad's face hover above my own. Then noticing the hand he was pulling back, I realized what he had done to pull me out of my nightmare.
"I told you it would work!" Dad pointed out to Mom.
"But honey, you could have hurt him." Mom argued.
"Well it worked, he is no longer screaming and he is awake. Now, just maybe we can get another couple hours of sleep." Dad stated matter-of-factly as he started to climb back in bed.
I could see Mom staring at him and I was sure that there was even some anger in her eyes. When she turned and looked down at me I could see the worry return to them. I guess I was still dazed as I didn't say or do anything. I am not sure if it was due to my dad cutting off all my oxygen to wake me. What I did know was seconds later that strange daze cleared and the nightmare I just lived through came back to my forethoughts. That is when the last feeling I had returned. The feeling was the one where I lost all my loved ones and I had felt all alone. That is all it took for me to break down crying in Mom's arms.
Mom quietly tried to shush me. She held me close to her and sang softly to me. I am not sure why, but there was a dreadful feeling that tonight's nightmare was more urgent than ever. Something deep inside of me was telling me that time was about up. For now though I was safely in my momma's arms and she was singing to me. Trying to compose myself, I started to use the backs of my hands to wipe away the tears from my eyes.
"I am sorry Mommy for scaring everyone again."
"Don't worry baby, I might not agree with how your father woke you, but I can say it worked and fast. Everyone will be able to go back to sleep quickly.
I looked around us and that is when I noticed that Mom was sitting on the floor next to Tim who was of course awakened by me. I saw not only his worry for me in his eyes but also pain and sadness. Looking at him reminded me of what he was going through right now. Anger quickly replaced the fear that was in me. Seeing Tim lying there on the floor with only a pillow infuriated me. His dad didn't even give him a blanket; he was made to lie there wearing only the diaper and rubber pants. I could tell he was freezing and I could no longer let it continue.
I know I am only a kid and could have gotten my ass blistered for what I did, but I didn't care! I was not going to allow my friend to freeze one moment longer. I crawled out of Mom's arms and walked over to the bed that we shared and took the blanket off of it. I then took it over to Tim and covered him with it. There was no need for him to thank me as I saw the thankfulness in his eyes. Luckily both of our fathers seemed to have fallen back to sleep already. Mom though was still wide awake and I expected her to say something. When she didn't I spoke to her.
"Mom, I am okay now. I am sorry if I disobeyed but I can't stand it no more. It is not right and I am sorry I gave our blanket to him but if I have to freeze in order for him to be warm, then I guess I will. You can share the bed with Jane so that you don't have to." At some point through this speech I started to cry again.
Mom never got upset or stopped me at any point. What she did do was pull me back into her arms and hug me. She then whispered into my ear, "Josh, I am so proud of you baby. Would you believe that you have just taught your momma a lesson?" At this I shook my head no in confusion. "Yes baby you have. Sometimes we have to stand up for something or someone when no one else will, when we know that things aren't right." Then Mom started to cry as she stood up, standing me on my feet as she rose. "I should have done this yesterday..." She then looked down at Tim. "...I am so sorry, would you ever forgive me." Tim nodded and had fresh tears streaming down his cheeks.
Mom then turned and started getting together the stuff she needed to clean Tim up from his wet and poopy diaper. She then sat down next to him and removed the blanket to expose the diaper which I could tell stank badly, then again maybe it was my own that I smelled. Mom removed the dripping wet rubber pants and set them aside. She then started to remove the diaper pins. When she finally removed the pins from the third diaper and pulled it away from his skin, both Mom and I were horrified! Tim's groin and the skin around it were flaming red! As for his butt we couldn't yet tell as it was covered in his brown filth. As Mom started to wipe away the mess though, Tim screamed in pain! That was all it took, as once again everyone in the room was awake. Actually I am not even sure if my sister ever went back to sleep.
Of course when Tim's dad saw what was going on he was furious and my own dad didn't seem any happier. Mom though decided not to listen or argue with them about it. She instead quickly finished cleaning up Tim who screamed every time Mom cleaned more of the mess away. Surprisingly Tim's dad never actually stopped Mom but he definitely was yelling still. Once Mom had Tim cleaned up enough she sent him to the shower. Once he was out of the room she turned on Dad and Uncle Josh! Boy I am glad I wasn't the focus of her attention right then!
"WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU TWO!" Mom screamed then seemed to think twice about her words while looking at both me and Jane. "Josh, I want you to take your sister out to watch the sunrise. I want you to stay there until either I come and get you or until you hear the breakfast whistle. I will send Tim out to meet you when he is done."
Not wanting to be yelled at myself I grabbed Jane's hand and we both fled from the room. It didn't matter that we were both still in our nightwear or that I was still in my own soaking wet and poopy diaper. As we fled down the hall I once again heard my mother start yelling. The few words I was able to make out besides the cuss words she threw in here and there were Tim, bleeding, diaper rash, and infected. The last one worried me somewhat as I knew a kid last year at our school that got an infection and died from it.
I am not sure how long we were waiting there before Tim joined us. But when he did show up he seemed closer to his normal self, though I could tell he was in terrible pain. He did fill us in on the fact that the adults were all still arguing back in the cabin.
We all waited for Mom to come and get us and during that wait, Tim filled me in on everything that happened after his dad dragged him away.
"Oh Josh, I was so scared! I kept thinking that I should have listened to you. I don't know why I like diapers, I wish I was normal!" Tim then started to cry.
I turned and looked at Jane when I heard her snicker at Tim's comment, about liking diapers. "Jane, why don't you go over there and sit." I pointed towards a deck chair that was far enough away to give us a little privacy.
Jane then stamped her foot and looked at me angrily. "Why should I listen to you?" Jane then sneered, "You're not my boss!"
"Because Mom put me in charge and you are supposed to do what I say!" I argued with her.
"Well you can go and find someone else to boss around because I am not listening to you!" She then stuck her fingers in her ears to prove her point.
Angry now, I pulled her fingers out of her ears. "If you don't do what I said, I will tell Mom on you!" I angrily threatened her.
"Tattletale!" She came back with.
"Well it takes one to know one!" I yelled. Then with finality in my voice I forcibly asked, "Now do I have to go tell Mom?"
I really didn't want to waste any more time in this silly argument with my sister. Right now my friend really needed me. I stared at her, hoping she could see I wasn't messing with her anymore. To be honest I was shocked when she actually started heading for the chair. Before she made it all the way there though, she turned around and glared at me.
"Just to let you know, you didn't win! I was going to sit down anyways." She sneered then stuck her tongue out at me. She then proceeded the rest of the way to the deck chair. Once there she looked over at me again after sitting down and I took that moment to stick my tongue back out at her.
With that now taken care of, I returned my attention back to my friend. Even though I could see him trying hard to hold back his tears, a few managed to escape his eyes and were making their way down his cheeks.
"Hey Tim I am really sorry that my sister is such a pain!" I apologized, hoping that it would make Tim feel better.
"No it's not that Josh. It is just that my butt feels like it is on fire! I also noticed while taking my shower that I was bleeding back there, really bad. Your mom says that it is the worse diaper rash she ever saw. She put some salve on it but it still hurts real badly. She even pinned me in one of your diapers to protect my clothes. She pinned it loose though so that I can pull it up and down and use the toilet. She wanted me to know that I was not to go in the diaper. I guess that was the reason she only put one on me and no rubber pants." Tim explained.
"Wow! I bet your dad was mad!" I whistled.
"That is the weird thing, no one said a word after I entered the room other than your mom that is. They didn't start yelling again until after I left to go find you guys." Then Tim, using his hands, wiped the tears from his eyes and cheeks.
I gave my friend a moment to compose himself before asking, "So what happened then after your dad dragged you off?" I asked Tim warily as I didn't want to upset him again.
"Well dad took me back to the cabin and was going to remove the diaper from me so that he could whip me. I don't know why he didn't notice that I had used those diapers. You would think he would have been able to smell that I pooped in them at least. It wasn't until he started to remove my rubber pants that he noticed that I had used them. Oh Josh, he was soooo mad when he found that out! I was afraid he was going to kill me. He started to drag me down to the showers so that he could wash the mess off of me, but halfway there he changed his mind and we went back to the cabin. Once there he made me take off the rubber pants and I thought he was going to remove the diaper. Instead he got the strap and he whipped me hard, right over top of that wet diaper. Josh I had thought all that material would have at least protected my butt, but it didn't! It hurt so much! When it was over I had at least figured my punishment was done. Yeah I thought there was a good chance he would ground me to the cabin but I never expected what he did instead." At this Tim stopped and wiped another tear from his eye.
"Tim, I am sorry! I should have tried harder to stop you from wearing that diaper!" I was feeling really awful and deep down I knew I didn't try hard enough. No, instead I made a couple feeble attempts and then gave in to my friend's happiness.
"Josh! It is not your fault! Please believe me when I say this. No matter what you did or said, I would have put those diapers on. You don't know how badly I wanted to wear one again. I was at the point that I was prepared to steal some from Jacob anyway. I figured he would have never known as he has so many anyway." Tim sighed.
"I see," was the only reply I could think of, as I stood and stared at my friend in disbelief.
"Well, when my dad told me to put my rubber pants back on, I was really confused so I didn't do what he said right away. He got really mad and demanded I put those rubber pants back on, or else. Since my backside was still screaming, I quickly did what he told me; so I wouldn't get him mad again and get another whipping. He then ordered me to take my shirt off so that I was now in nothing but my socks and shoes and of course that diaper. He then said that, until he told me different, that all I would be allowed to wear would be the diaper I was wearing and socks and shoes. He then informed me that I would have to use the diaper if I needed to use the bathroom and that I would not be changed out of the diaper until he was satisfied that I would never put another one on." Once again Tim stopped and sighed. "You know Josh, if that had been all, I would have been fine with the punishment." Again he sighed.
The next minute or so, there was silence between us. I really wanted to tell Tim how sorry I was and do whatever it took to make it better, but every time I opened my mouth nothing would come out of it except for silence. So I did the only thing I could think of, I hugged Tim and then took a quick glance to make sure that Jane wasn't looking and gave Tim a quick peck on the lips. As I pulled away from him he just stood there looking stunned at me.
Worried that maybe I over stepped my bounds, I managed to find my voice. "Tim, please don't take it as meaning anything other than a kiss between friends." I explained.
Tim nodded his head and like the other times when involved in something sexual, he quickly dismissed it. He then finished his story, starting where he left off.
"When Dad told me that I had to be dressed like I was and go to the meals and everywhere he went, I was horrified. I tried to tell him that I would be laughed at. When that didn't seem to faze him, I reminded him that he too would look bad hauling me around like that. I guess he didn't care as he did it anyway. What was really weird though was, he brought me back to the cabin and made me change into my good socks and shoes for dinner. You know I actually laughed when he told me to put them on. I tried to ask why, but when I started to he slapped me and ordered me to do as he said. So you know what happened after that as you saw how people were treating me at dinner." At this Tim broke down crying and I just hugged him.
"Go ahead and let it out buddy, don't hold any of it in." I said compassionately.
For the next several minutes I hugged my friend to me and allowed him to continue weeping on my shoulder until his tears dried up. While he was crying, I remembered my anger that overtook me during dinner last night. Besides the anger, I had felt an overwhelming sadness every time I watched my friend cry into his dinner plate. I remembered my own guilt by leaving my friend behind and bailing on him when he needed me the most. So as Tim's tears were coming to an end, mine were just starting.
"What's wrong Josh?" Tim asked as he wiped the snot running from his nose with the sleeve of his shirt.
"I... I... I..." I tried to tell him how sorry I was for abandoning him last night, but I just couldn't as the tears and sobs were taking control. I looked into his eyes and as he looked into mine, somehow in that moment Tim knew what I was trying to tell him.
"Don't worry Josh; I don't blame you for leaving last night. I wish I could say it at least got better after you left, but of course it didn't. Just know though that I understand and I am sure if we had been in reversed positions that I too would have left. In fact, I wouldn't have been able to last as long as you." Tim announced matter-of-factly.
With his understanding of why I left like I did, I felt so much better. I still wanted revenge on Jeremy Green though. "I really want to get that little cuss and make him pay for what he said to you!" I angrily stated bluntly.
It wasn't hard for Tim to figure out who I had meant by `little cuss'. "Please Josh, don't do anything stupid! All you will accomplish is getting yourself in trouble. Now look what happen when I didn't listen to you, do you really want to find out what will happen to you if you hurt Jeremy?"
"Maybe just a little?" I asked while holding up two fingers about an inch apart.
Tim shook his head while smiling.
"How about this much?" I squeezed my fingers together half an inch more.
Again Tim shook his head while smiling even wider.
Giving up, I dropped my hands and moaned, "Ah man!"
At that Tim laughed out loud.
I have to admit that Tim made a pretty good case and so I dropped all plans of shoving Jeremy into a boiler or something. Even though I agreed not to hurt him, I still found the little brat reprehensible.
Wanting to hear the rest of Tim's story I asked, "So what happened after I left?"
Tim grimaced and for a moment I thought he was going to start crying again but no tears came. Instead he sighed and once again continued his story. "Well, like I said, after you left it was pretty much the same thing. I had thought that after dinner I would have been sent back to the cabin as I know kids aren't allowed in the room where the men smoke and drink. Well at least I thought that was the case. I found out how wrong I was when Dad brought me in there and made me sit on the floor as my diaper was starting to leak and that is where I stayed. I fell asleep at some point and didn't awaken again until Dad woke me and dragged me back to the cabin. When I saw that Jane was in my bed I was confused. I guess at some point after you left during dinner, when I wasn't paying attention, Dad had supposedly told me that I would be sleeping on the floor. I guess I must have been away in my thoughts and he must have thought I heard him. Anyway when he told me again what he had said then, I begged him to not make me sleep on the floor. He laughed and said I was just sleeping on the floor only moments before and I wasn't complaining. At least in that room it was warmer but our cabin felt like it was freezing and Dad didn't care if I had a blanket. I am not even sure where the pillow that I had this morning came from as Dad refused to allow me it as well." Tim stopped for a couple moments and appeared to be in thought. "You know, I think your Mom must have given me the pillow after your parents came back to the cabin. I was already asleep by then. Somehow, I am not exactly sure how, I managed to sleep until..." At that Tim once again stopped and I knew of course this time why. He of course was talking about my nightmare.
With Tim's story finished and no appearance yet from my mom, we just talked about regular stuff until it was time to go back to the cabin. Near to the time for the breakfast whistle to sound, Tim interrupted what I was saying.
"Josh, look!" and I looked down at my pajama bottoms where Tim was pointing and felt instant humiliation!
It turned out that I had been peeing in my diaper subconsciously and at some point the four thick layers of cloth and rubber pants had completely failed in its duty. I now had a huge wet spot on the front of my pajamas and running all the way down both pajama legs.
"How?" I tried to ask myself.
Tim smiled as he said, "Well I guess you had to go."
Looking at him, I for a moment forgot about my condition. "Tim, please tell me that after all that happened, that you're not getting excited over the fact of me wetting myself?"
Tim's smile faded from his face and once again he looked for a second, like he might cry. He then looked me in the eye and mumbled his response.
"Josh, I will be the first to say I hated yesterday and don't want to ever go through a day like that again but..." He wiped away a couple of tears that somehow managed to find their way out of his eyes. "But, I know that without a fact, if I were to have another chance to wear diapers, I would." The last part Tim seemed to push past his lips quickly.
I was completely stunned! "How?! Why?! Are you crazy?!" I screamed loudly, not only of course getting the attention of my sister but by a few other passengers as well, that were strolling along the deck.
"God! Can you say that any louder?" Tim whispered just loud enough for me to hear.
"I am sorry. I didn't mean to, but you shocked me." I quietly apologized. Still I found it hard to believe that he was already thinking about a next time after everything he went through. "Your dad will probably kill you the next time!"
Tim just shook his head no. "I will make sure to do it when he is not around!" He responded.
I couldn't help shaking my head and thinking how stupid he was. This had to be a sickness and there must be a cure I thought. But then I remembered something, I too wanted something desperately. Something that I know I could never tell my parents about as they would think I was sick. Once again I had to force myself to accept Tim for who he was. Still as a friend, I hoped that in the future I would be able to convince him to not do it again.
Before I could think any more about it all, the breakfast whistle sounded. I gave him a look that meant, "We will talk about this later." Then the three of us headed back to the cabin.
I shouldn't have been surprised to find that both mine and Tim's dad had left and Mom was the only one there, but I was. Tim still worried looked at her, pleading with his eyes. Mom opened her arms to Tim, who threw himself into them.
"Oh Timmy don't you worry. Your daddy is still a little upset but not with you. He is angry with me but I stuck my ground and didn't back down. You don't have to worry; your daddy will not punish you for what you did any longer. He wants to talk to you after breakfast but don't you worry as I will be there. I would highly suggest you tell your daddy that you won't wear diapers again without permission." Mom then put her hand under his chin she then lifted it up so she could look into his eyes.
I swear, I never knew my mother was so smart. As I stood there I got a view of my mother that I never knew. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying I thought she was dumb, not at all. The only thing I can think to compare it to was, that even though my mom did not attend college, she had the smarts of a psychiatrist. What she told Tim next; she could not have possibly known.
"Now I know that it will be a lie, but your daddy will feel better. Do you understand?"
Tim just looked at my mother in shock. "Wha... a... How..." But Mom just put a finger over his lips and shushed him.
"Just know baby that I know what it feels like to yearn for something." When she said this I got curious as to what Mom meant, but unfortunately she never went into it any further. All she did after that was to ask Tim another question. "Baby, just do me a favor. When the time comes and you want to indulge in diaper wearing, please do so when your daddy isn't around, okay?
Tim just nodded his head yes, as he was still too stunned by the last part of the conversation. And that was that, Mom let Tim go and she now had her attention on me. I guess she hadn't noticed I had leaked until now, as she was apologizing to me for making me stand in wet pants all this time.
"Oh honey, I am so sorry! You must be cold in those wet pants. Come here and let momma change you nice and quick and get you into some dry pants." Mom said in a motherly voice.
At this point Jane, who had been surprisingly quiet and actually interested in the conversation between Tim and Mom, lost interest and decided to get ready for the day. So my only audience during the change was Tim and normally he makes me feel weird when he watches. For some reason though, today I didn't feel that weird feeling as he watched Mom change me, in fact I kinda got off at the idea that Tim was getting a thrill at seeing me get my diaper changed. This of course meant that I got a stiffy that really wanted some attention.
"Oh well can't do anything about it now." I thought to myself. Then I thought with a smile on my face, "Maybe, just maybe I can get Tim to hold it like he did before." And the memory of us in the shower together the other day, came back to me. This of course made me smile.
Before Mom started my diaper change, since she didn't look, I decided to warn her that I pooped. It turned out that she already knew though.
"Oh baby, you don't think I didn't notice this morning? I really had wanted to change you as well before all that yelling started. I just hope you didn't get a diaper rash too." With that Mom went to work.
She soon had me out of the diaper and started to clean my mess off. It was really bad that morning and I should have just taken a shower like Tim did, but Mom decided that this would be quicker. Like I said it was bad. I had it plastered on both butt cheeks and even a little on my stiff boy toy. Talking about my stiffy, Mom and never said or brought up anything about it being hard. Still, Mom managed to get me all clean and pinned into three fresh diapers, in a relatively quick time. Mom then helped me get dressed and even put my socks and shoes on me. Oh and it turned out that I did have a small diaper rash, but nothing anywhere near as painful as Tim's. Mom just made sure to spread baby powder all over my butt and groin. I kinda wished she took more time to do that part as I almost orgasmed, but she stopped before I could do so. Oh god you don't know how badly I wanted to reach out and finish the job! Somehow though, I was able to stop myself. Still I knew I was going to need relief soon and if I couldn't get Tim's help, I knew I would then have to find Jacob as I knew he wouldn't turn me away.
Now that we were all ready to go and that Breakfast was almost over, we hurried as fast as we could to the dining room.
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I was sitting in a waiting area in the ship doctor's office. I had been waiting now for almost an hour and was really starting to get bored. I also couldn't help but worry as I waited for my mom and Tim to reappear.
Now don't get the wrong idea now. Uncle Josh did not hurt Tim, at least not what you're thinking. Now yes in a way it was his fault. Let's see, I guess I should back up.
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Breakfast; what was left of it that is, was amazingly quiet after all the yelling that morning. There still seemed to be some anger amongst my mother and mine and Tim's father. Even so Uncle Josh never said anything to his son that could be seen as anger. In fact other than giving his son a weak smile when he sat down next to him, he never said or did anything to show his feelings towards Tim.
One grateful thing about breakfast was that the Greens were already done with breakfast and had excused themselves. I mean, I swear if I had to listen to Jeremy spout anything else off, I would have jumped over the table and slugged him! I know what I promised Tim and all, but a boy has got to do what a boy has got to do! Hopefully by lunch, I will be stronger and in more control of myself.
As Mom had told him, after breakfast was over, Uncle Josh took his son for a walk. As Mom promised she never let the two of them out of her sight. Since no one stopped me I decided to join Mom who held my hand and no matter how badly I wanted Mom to catch up to them she stayed far enough back so that they could talk privately. Now as for what happened to Jane or my dad after breakfast, I have no clue. The only thing I cared about at that moment was my friend. Oh let me tell you, I was prepared in a second if needed, to escape Mom's grip, then run and when I got close enough, jump on Uncle Josh's back and bite his ear off! I was not going to let him hurt Tim anymore when he didn't deserve it!
Fortunately my plan to separate Uncle Josh from his ear was unnecessary. It was good because I wasn't sure if I would even like the taste of his ear. What if he had a bunch of ear wax in there, YUCK!
When they had finished their talk, Tim's dad got down on one knee and hugged his son. I was able to see how happy my friend was now. In fact, there almost seemed to be excitement bubbling up in him.
I looked at Mom to see if it was okay to go to Tim yet, but she shook her head no. And when I saw Tim grab his dad's hand and start to walk with him again, I groaned.
It didn't take long for me to realize that we were heading back to the cabin. Knowing that soon Tim and I would be together, I was having trouble containing myself. As a kid, patients is a hard thing to learn.
Finally back at the cabin, Tim and I were able to talk. The thing is though all he told me was about how sorry his dad was for taking the punishment as far as he did. He also mentioned his dad asking him about where he got the diapers, but before he could even tell me what he said, he screamed and started all of a sudden crying. At first I wasn't sure why but then I noticed he had sat down and I guess the salve wasn't working anymore. His dad and my mom were talking and from what was being said, it sounded like he was apologizing to her as well. When his son yelled out both of them looked his way.
Mom ran over to him and hugged him to her. "Timmy what is wrong?" Mom asked him.
"My bottom, it hurts really bad! Tim cried in pain.
Mom then stood him up and undid his pants and pulled them and then the cloth diaper down like a pair of underwear. I heard her gasp when she saw how raw and bloody Tim's butt was. I couldn't believe it when I saw it. It was hard to believe but it actually looked worse. Mom then turned Tim around and had Uncle Josh look at it as she inspected Tim's boy toy. I noticed as she was looking at his sack, that it too was raw and bleeding.
"What the world!" My mind screamed.
Mom then pulled up the diaper and Tim's pants. Then Uncle Josh picked him up. Now never once did either of them mention the doctor, but somehow they both knew what the destination was.
Not sure what was going on, but worried about my friend, I followed both my mom and Uncle Josh who was still carrying his son. Now they didn't run or anything but they sure walked fast. Faster than I could walk so in order to keep up I had to jog.
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So now here I am waiting for Tim to come back out. His dad had come out a while ago and I could see that he was crying. I guess he wanted to cry alone as he left the doctor's office. I am not sure where he went off to but I was now more worried than ever.
I guess that was when I decided to turn to a higher power. "God, please help my friend."
With that simple prayer said and on its way to God's ears, I sat back and waited for the answer.
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Chapter 22: Tim, My Friend!
So there I was, still worried about Tim and all alone sitting in the doctor's office waiting room. I am not sure how long I was sitting there but I had the feeling that it was getting close to lunch time. My stomach agreed with me, as it started to grumble.
"Darn it, what's taking so long? It's only a rash, a bad rash yes, but still a rash!" I asked the empty room.
I started to replay the last couple days in my memory, trying to find something that would explain why all of this had to happen. The only thing I could come up with is that, Tim has had to endure more than any kid should ever have to.
"GOD, ARE YOU NOT LISTENING!" I screamed towards the ceiling.
I then leaned forward in my chair and covered my face with my hands as I broke down once again and started to cry. As I cried, I realized that I wasn't only crying for Tim, but also for the impending disaster that was coming. I was positive now more than ever, that my nightmares were not something my mind was making up to scare me. No I was sure it was a warning sent to me somehow to let me know that I and my family along with my friends, were in danger. The only problem I see is, how do I convince everyone else of the danger? Oh and then there is the other thing, when and how is it supposed to happen?
Since my foretelling of the future was vague when it came to when and how the Titanic sinks, even I was in the dark still somewhat. All I could do was just be prepared no matter what. For the first time since my nightmares started, I actually wanted to go to sleep and see if I can find out the answer to those questions. Crazy huh? One thing for sure though was that from this point on I was not going to take the sleeping pills anymore. I figure I could make Mom think I took them and then find a way to dispose of them later.
At some point I had stopped crying and decided to wipe away the evidence that I had been before anyone came in and saw me. As I was doing this I felt a strong urge from my bowels and I temporarily forgot everything else as the urgent need to poop came upon me.
The first thought was, "where is the nearest bathroom?" The second thought was, "how am I going to get the pins out of my diaper?"
I knew that there was no way that I could remove the diaper myself let alone put it back on me without help. Not sure what to do I got up and went to the reception window but as I already knew, the receptionist had left a while ago and had yet to return. I couldn't help wondering what a person needing to see the doctor would do if they came in now. I thought about walking back to the examining rooms to find Mom, but decided that I didn't want to risk getting into trouble. The only other option was to try and find Dad and quickly as I didn't think I could hold it much longer.
As I opened the office entrance door, I saw Uncle Josh sitting on the floor next to it crying. Well now I know where he had gone. His crying though unnerved me. Here was this adult who was crying pretty much the same way I was only moments before. Then I realized what would make him cry like that and I found that my own tear ducts had decided to start working again.
"Uncle Josh, is Tim not going to be okay?" I whimpered as tears started to streak down my face.
"Josh, I am just not sure. He then reached out and pulled me down to his lap and hugged me. "Son, I am so sorry I hurt you by what I did to my boy."
"So what is wrong with Tim? Why is it taking so long for him and my mom to come out?" I asked.
For a second Uncle Josh just looked as if he was thinking, which was weird because he was still crying as was I. "I made a mistake, I thought that he would get a little painful rash and it would make him not want to ever put on another diaper..."
"But Tim will always want to wear diapers no matter what you do!" I interrupted him. Then I realized that I just said something that I shouldn't have. "DUM! DUM! DUM!" I thought loudly to myself.
Uncle Josh somehow knew I was mentally berating myself. "Don't worry Josh, I know that now. When Tim and I talked this morning I decided to ask him some things that your mother mentioned to me. I think I understand now and even though I don't agree with it, I realize that there is nothing I can do to stop it. So I told him this morning that if he wanted to wear and use diapers that I wouldn't stop him. I did ask him though not to wear them around his Mom. In fact that was why we were going back to the cabin so your mom could teach me how to put a diaper on. You see, when Tim was born I wasn't around much and even when I was I never changed his diapers. So this was going to be a whole new experience for me." Uncle Josh explained to me.
I now knew why Tim was so happy and excited. He was actually going to be allowed to wear diapers. Boy I don't know how Mom managed to pull that one off. I then realized something; Uncle Josh still hadn't told me what was wrong with Tim which made me even more worried.
Can you please tell me what is wrong with Tim? It's not a simple diaper rash is it?" Uncle Josh didn't say anything but just shook his head no. I thought for a moment and then fresh tears came to my eyes. "It's infected isn't it?" I asked.
He nodded his head in agreement. "I am so sorry! Yes it's infected. It is not good Josh, it is very severe and the doctor is trying everything to stop it or at least slow it until we can get to New York and a hospital. Right now my boy is in a lot pain and he may die and it is all my fault!" At this, he started to sob heavily.
So we both sat there, Uncle Josh on the floor and I in his lap and both of us were sobbing. I just couldn't understand how someone that looked so healthy just a few hours ago, could possibly die.
"It was just not possible, Tim can't die!" I thought to myself.
Then once again I felt the pressure from my bowels. The urgent need to release my bowels helped me get control of my tears. I looked around me and was relieved to notice a bathroom down the hall. I still needed help though.
"Um... Uncle Josh?"
"Yes buddy?"
"I ah... I need to poop."
At this he gave me a look that I can only describe as a look of disbelief and concern rolled into one.
"I need to poop real bad and I can't get the diaper pins out!" I urgently stated as I clenched my butt cheeks together as I tried to hold it back.
Realizing now what it was that I needed and the urgent matter that it was, Uncle Josh started to stand up with me still in his arms. But it was too late! As he stood my bowels pushed out their contents with such force that if Uncle Josh wasn't holding me, I would have blasted into orbit. There was no doubt to him either what I had done. Even through three cloth diapers and a pair of rubber pants, he not only felt but heard my butt explode! Also it was only a matter of time that my stink would be killing every living thing around me!
"Um, do you want me to get your mom?" Uncle Josh asked me as I started to again cry. "Buddy don't worry, it was an accident. Don't cry, you will be okay and your mom will have you all cleaned up shortly."
He then carried me back into the doctor's office, and without waiting for permission or anything entered the door that led back to the examining rooms. When we entered a room and I saw my mom, my sobs became louder.
"Mommy! I had an accident!" I cried, of course it didn't actually sound that clear as I was sobbing so hard and my nose was full of dripping snot. It didn't matter though Mom knew what I said.
Mom came over to me and Uncle Josh and soon I was in my Mom's arms where she rubbed my back as she tried to sooth me. If I hadn't been so upset about what I had done, I would have noticed Tim lying on a bed. Even though consciously I did not see him, I did see him subconsciously and would remember later. I wouldn't have been able to talk to him anyway as he had been given something to make him sleep. Later that evening though I would have a chance to talk to him. For now I was too upset at what I did in my diaper. Now don't ask me why I was so upset this time when I pooped my diaper because I don't know why, maybe it was because of all the pressure I was feeling with Tim possibly dying.
I saw Uncle Josh walk around Mom and as he did he stopped and kissed me on the forehead. Mom then turned around to face him so they could talk. "Why don't you take your son up to the cabin and get him changed. It is also almost lunch time so go to lunch and let the others know that we will be okay." Uncle Josh suggested to Mom.
Mom carried me all the way back to the cabin and I couldn't help but wonder if I was hurting her by letting her carry me so far. I know she did it once before but then she was upset and full of adrenalin. I know I am small for being 12 but I am not that small. I weigh a lot now. When I was last weighed I weighed 54 pounds!
Deciding to help Mom so that it would be quicker, I removed my shoes, pants, and rubber pants then lied down on the bed. Mom got all the stuff she needed and then started to remove my diaper pins. One of the things I noticed was how soaking wet my diaper was and the only time I remembered peeing in it was when I pooped. I know for a fact that I didn't pee as much then to make my diapers as wet as they were. That meant I had peed without even noticing it. This was definitely not good. The last thing I wanted to do was start school in America and have to wear diapers there. There would be no way I could hide the fact that I was wearing diapers either. I would be the laughing stock of my new school!
As I was lost in these thoughts Mom had removed all the pins and finally pulled away the last diaper layer. As the cold air hit my privates I could feel them escape from the cold by crawling back into me. This also brought me out of my thoughts.
"Boy baby, you stink!" Mom announced and to prove her point, she grabbed her nose and squeezed it shut.
"Mooooooooom, please don't make fun of me." I whined.
"Oh, so I am not mommy anymore, huh?" Mom smiled.
I just gave her my best angry look but when she started to tickle me I found it impossible to keep from laughing.
"Mooooooom, stop please!" I begged through my tears of laughter.
"Nope, not going to happen." Mom said through her own light laughter.
"Mooooooom, you are going to make me pee!" I screamed through my laughter.
"Sorry, I think you are too late on that one." Mom stated as she continued to tickle torture me.
"Mommy! I am going to peeeeeeeeeeee!"
And then it happened! Even though I had already peed not more than fifteen minutes ago, I guess I still had to go, and go I did. Luckily Mom was able to get the diaper back up and cover my leaking member and patiently waited until I was done. It turned out that the pee that made it out of me before Mom covered me landed on my shirt which sopped it all up. I was glad that we didn't have to once again get the maid to come and change the bed.
Mom stripped the shirt off of me and then went back to work cleaning the poop from my butt. Once she had me all clean she decided that I really needed a shower, so she sent me down to grab one real quick. Before she let me go she made me promise that I would make sure to wash my diaper area extra good. So after telling her three times that I would, she finally let me go.
Mom was right, I did stink something awful. So when I got in that shower, I washed my complete body, from head to toe, twice. I didn't stop there though as I washed my diaper area two more times. When I was sure I was squeaky clean I got out of the shower and dried myself completely off.
Now on the way to the bathroom and showers, I had used my towel to cover myself like Tim did earlier that morning. Now clean and dry I was going to wrap the towel around me but I decided to stop and do something that my body seemed to be forgetting how to do.
I know that I had just gone to the bathroom in my diaper but I decided to go ahead and try to use the toilet anyway. So I sat down and put pressure on both my bladder and bowels. I am not sure how long I sat there trying to do something in the toilet. When I heard the lunch whistle blow I gave up and as I was about to stand, I heard the noise of my pee stream splashing against the toilet. Boy I was ecstatic! As soon as I was sure I was done, I got up and ran all the way back to the room to tell Mom.
"Mom you won't believe it, I peed on the toilet! I shouted happily to her.
Mom just snickered as she looked at me. I couldn't figure out what was so funny. Mom covered her mouth with her hand to try and mute her giggles. I was getting upset that she thought it was funny that I peed in the toilet instead of a diaper.
Finally Mom got over her giggle fit and pointed at me. "Honey, did you forget something. Then looking down at myself I noticed what she thought was so funny. I had forgotten my towel which was still lying next to the toilet I was on.
"Ah man!" I groaned.
I had just ran all the way back through a crowded hallway, butt naked and my small boy toy out for all to see. That thought was all I needed to have all the blood in my body transfer itself into my head.
"MOM! ALL THOSE PEOPLE JUST SAW ME NAKED!" I yelled out louder than I had intended to.
Mom just smiled and said, "sucks to be you, huh?"
I just hid my shameful red face in my hands. "Why do these things keep happening to me?" I groaned. It didn't even occur to me that Mom just swore in front of me. In fact I don't think she even noticed it.
"Sweetie, trust me, those things happen to everyone at some point during their lives." Mom explained.
I just groaned. "Well I want them to stop happening to me!"
Mom just smiled and patted the bed. "Come on sweetie, let's get you into a clean diaper before you pee all over the floor." Mom chuckled when she saw my face's bright glow return. Trust me, I was definitely not amused.
As Mom was re-diapering me, I found myself thinking about Tim again. "Mom, please tell me that Tim is going to be okay! He just gots to be okay!"
"First, it is he just HAS to be okay." Mom corrected me. "As for Tim, I really wish I could say he would be okay but I just don't know sweetie. The doctor says that it is bad and so at this point all we can do for Tim, is to pray for him."
Suddenly angry, I mumbled something that was barely audible.
Mom who was starting to pin the third diaper on me paused and looked at me. "I am sorry Josh, what was that?"
Angrily I repeated what I had just said though this time loud enough to hear the anger in my words. "I already prayed to God and either he isn't listening today, or he doesn't give a shit about whether Tim lives or dies!" I snarled.
I wasn't expecting it at all, so when Mom smacked my inside thigh hard, I cried out in pain!
"Why did you do that?" I blubbered as I sat up a little so I could reach down and rub the fire hot piece of skin where Mom smacked me.
"Josh, how many times have I told you to not use that type of language?" Mom demanded.
Realizing now what the mistake was that I made, I apologized. "I am sorry Mom."
"And?" Mom waited expectantly.
Knowing what she was wanting and knowing that it would be a complete lie, I went ahead and told her what she wanted anyway. "I promise I will never use bad language again."
Mom then went ahead and finished pinning that last diaper on me. She then pulled the rubber pants on me and since I was actually thinking about it, I noticed that she did make sure that the rubber pants fully covered my diaper.
When mom started getting fresh clothes out for me to wear I was going to tell her that I could dress myself. Before I could do so, another part of me yelled at me. "Hey shit for brains! When are you going to get it that you like it when your mother dresses you?" Of course that part of me was right, so why was it that I was always fighting her on this? Anyway, I decided to go ahead and let Mom do it after all, and yes I did enjoy it!
Because we did not rush getting ready for lunch and because I also had to run down to the bathroom to retrieve the towel, we were once again late to another meal.
When we sat down, I noticed that Dad looked a little miffed. Even so, he never once yelled or even asked Mom why we were late. I guess he was leaving that for later when they would be by themselves.
I was also disappointed that the Greens were there still as well. Amazingly that little snot nosed booger Jeremy, never said a word. Mrs. Green though did say something compassionate to me about Tim.
"Josh, I am so sorry to hear about your little friend Tim. As you know we sat with him and his dad on the way over to England. I really liked Tim, he was always so polite. He will be in our prayers." I really felt so much better hearing Mrs. Green say that.
Lunch otherwise was uneventful. Well there was one other thing that I was happy about. When we all were getting ready to leave Jane asked Mom and Dad if she could spend the rest of the day and night with the Greens.
"I am sorry honey, I think we have put out the Greens enough already." Mom objected.
"But Moooooooooom!" Jane pestered.
Before Mom could respond to Jane, Mrs. Green, who was herself getting ready to leave, told Mom that they would love to have her for the night. I could see she had a plate of food that she was taking back to her husband. I noticed that she looked tired and wondered how she did it? How did she not only cope with a husband who was obviously more than a little sick and all her kids? Then on top of it, she was willing to take on another one? Boy I will never understand some people!
Anyway after lunch was over Dad said he was going down to talk to Uncle Josh and I asked if I could go as well. At first he didn't think it was a good idea, but after a look from Mom he decided that I could come. I am not sure what that look was all about but I was happy. I really wanted to talk to my friend.
Unfortunately when we got down there, I was informed that Tim was sleeping and that they thought it best that I do something to take my mind off of him for a while. I was told that I could probably talk to him sometime after dinner but for now they told me hanging around in the waiting room was no place for a child.
Frustrated and wishing I was an adult, I left the doctors off and tried to decide what I was going to do to pass the time. For a moment there I thought about going back to the cabin and reading more of my book `The Emerald City of Oz', then I thought about Jacob and my nightmare. I really wanted to warn him about the upcoming disaster that I was sure would be happening soon. I also knew if anyone could take my mind off of Tim, Jacob would be that person. I also thought about how nice it would be to have sex with him again.
I first went down to where we hid him but he wasn't there. I then started to look for him everywhere. After spending two hours and not finding him, I decided that he must be out scavenging again. I figured once he was done he would look for me, so to make it easier for him to find me, I went back to the cabin and decided to pass the time reading my OZ book. The trouble was, because of all my worries and reading problems, I didn't even finish the chapter before dinner. I would have to keep on stopping to sound out the words until I had them right.
It turned out that Jacob never did show up and when dinner finally came I was starting to get worried. Because of the worry, after dinner I went looking for him again but I knew I couldn't spend too much time doing so because I was going to be seeing Tim soon. Again though, I had no luck finding him. Not knowing what to do, I then thought of someone who might just know what to do.
I knew if there was anyone who could find Tim and help him if needed, it would be Molly. Not knowing exactly how to find her I ran to where I knew a lot of first class passengers hung around. The problem was, in my haste I was not stealthy enough to get past the staff member whose job was to keep rift-raft like me from entering the first class only area. The guy manning the area stopped me and refused me entrance.
"But I need to see Mrs. Molly Brown!" I exclaimed.
"I am sorry, but I can't let you enter." Was his mechanical response.
"Come on it is really really important!" I said trying to express the urgency in the matter.
"Again, I am sorry, but I can't let you enter." He repeated to me. "However..." At the however, my ears perked up with hope. "...if want, I will be more than happy to give her a message."
My eyes lit up again with hope, that is until I realized that I didn't really want to give this guy a vocal message as he might realize what it really meant. Then another thought occurred to me.
"If I give you a written message, would that be okay?" I asked the guy. He nodded to me that it would be.
Now the problem was, where could I get something to write message on and with. I guess the guy knew what I was thinking as he walked over to a podium looking thing and when he withdrew his hands, he held in them a piece of parchment with a picture of the Titanic on it, a pencil, and an envelope. He then came over and handed them to me. I walked over to a bench, sat down, and wrote out my message to Molly. I then folded it and sealed it into the envelope. Finally I walked over to the guy and handed him the envelope and pencil. After he promised he would personally deliver it during his break, I left and ran back to our cabin.
It turned out that Mom had been there waiting for me and when I showed up she told me that Tim was now awake and I could see him. I was ready to go at that moment but Mom decided to change my diaper first. It turned out to be a pretty good idea as I had been in it since before lunch and it had already started to leak, making my pants damp in a couple spots.
I begged Mom to please hurry as I didn't want to miss my chance to talk to Tim. Mom ended up doing her fastest diaper change yet and soon I was in three clean diapers. While being changed, an earlier thought, reoccurred to me and I was kind of worried about it.
"Mom, I was wondering. What am I going to do when I start school in America?" I asked.
"What do you mean?" Mom asked absent mindedly.
"I was wondering if I would have to wear diapers to school?"
"Baby, do you really want to go to school and have an accident? Just think how bad you will feel if you pee your pants there." Mom tried to get me to understand.
I knew what she was saying was true. I would feel horrible but I couldn't get past the fact that my diapers would be so noticeable. Mom looked into my eyes when she realized that I was not answering and saw my worry reflected in them.
"Josh, how about we discuss it when the time comes, okay baby?"
At that I agreed to wait; besides I needed to stop worrying about my pitiful problems when my friend was possibly sitting on his death bed. So once Mom was done diapering me and I had my pants and shoes back on, I grabbed Mom's hand and tried to pull her all the way to the doctor's office. Now thinking back on it, it had to have been a funny sight, seeing a small skinny kid with his pants puffed out with the obvious signs of wearing a diaper, trying to drag his Momma all over the ship.
Boy when Tim saw me enter the room, his eyes lit up. Tim was laying on that bed on his stomach still. His rump this time was covered with a sheet. Even though I was once again reminded by my mom before we had entered the room about how sick Tim was, he didn't look the slightest bit sick. Even Mom seemed surprise to find him so active.
Uncle Josh who noticed us come in smiled at us and I all of a sudden felt better. He then happily told us that Tim was responding finally to the treatment and that the infection was miraculously disappearing. At that I sent a quick thank you to GOD, it seems he finally decided that Tim was worth a damn to answer my prayer with good news. Because the infection was still not completely clear the doctor felt it was for the best that Tim stay there for the night and if he was still responding tomorrow, he would go ahead and discharge him. Uncle Josh let us know that he would be spending the night with his son and would hopefully see us after breakfast tomorrow morning.
Then the adults left the room so that Tim and I could talk. We really didn't talk about anything important. I had thought about telling him about Jacob missing and my nightmare, but I decided that Tim had enough problems already and didn't need me adding to them right now. Before I left, Tim told me that as soon as he gets released and was well enough, his dad was going to diaper him. Boy was he really happy about that and I have to say, that I was happy for him as well.
On my way out I smiled at Tim and said, "Tim have a great night buddy and I will see you in the morning."
I then left and walked back to the room with Mom. I was really happy for him and was hoping that he would get well fast so that he could get his wish to be diapered by his daddy. Thinking back to that day now it is just so sad knowing that Tim never did get a chance to be diapered by his dad. He never got that one last bit of joy. If I had known then, that it would be the last time I would have seen Tim alive, I would have never left him!
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Chapter 23: The Unsinkable Ship Titanic Sinks!
With the relief of knowing Tim was not going to die, the walk back to the cabin seemed so much lighter. I know, it doesn't make sense but that is the only way I can describe it. It is hard to believe, considering how happy I was at that moment, that only in a few short hours, my life would be forever changed! But at that moment on my way back to the cabin, I was happy!
When we got back to the cabin Mom suggested that I should go ahead and get ready for bed. The thing was I was so happy and full of life that I couldn't sleep now if I wanted too. Plus it wasn't even 8pm yet and Mom usually let me stay up to 9 or 10pm.
"Come on Josh let's get you all ready for bed." Mom announced as we entered the cabin.
"But Mooooom, it's still early!" I whined.
"Josh, I didn't say you had to go to bed, I just said you should get ready." Mom explained.
Knowing that I was better off not arguing with Mom I just went ahead and agreed, "okay."
Mom got out my pajamas and I allowed her to undress me down to my diaper. She made sure to check it and found it only a little damp. Since I wasn't that wet she went ahead and helped me into my pajamas.
"So my baby boy, what would you like to do now?" Mom asked and I think she had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do.
"Will you please read to me some more, Mommy?" I begged and used my cute face, to win her over.
Mom smiled and chuckled a little. "Okay, go grab your book and we will get in bed and I will read to you." Mom said happily to me.
I grabbed my OZ book and ran back over and got in bed with my mommy. As she read to me, I quickly was drawn into the story. Boy it was so much better when she read to me. What was even nicer was that, Mom never got upset with me during the numerous times when I stopped her to ask what a word she read meant.
As Mom read to me, I found myself getting tired. "NO! You cannot go to sleep!" I told myself, forcing myself to stay awake. I had already decided that when it came time for Mom to give me my pill that I would refuse to take it. The trouble was that I didn't expect to get so tired without it.
No matter how hard I tried to force myself to stay awake, my eyes would not cooperate. I am not sure exactly where we were at in the story when I lost my battle and succumbed to sleep. I do know this, even though I eventually bought every book in the OZ series, after that night, I never was able to read another word in that series. The memories it brought back to me were too painful to stand.
At first my sleep was dreamless as far as I remember but soon I found myself dreaming about Tim. He and I were running around on some hillside having fun playing. It was a warm sunny day, just perfect for playing outside. The strange thing was, we were running around in nothing but diapers. I am not one hundred percent positive, but I think we were in America.
Both of our diapers were soaked and leaking, but neither of us seemed to care as we were having so much fun. Then Tim comes to a quick halt and starts to squat a little. Right away I could tell by the strain in his face, that he was pooping his diaper.
I smiled at him and announced, "I am going to tell your Mommy that you need changed because you pooped your diaper!"
Tim actually smiled at the thought of his mommy cleaning his poopy butt. "Cool! You should also tell your mommy that you need to be changed as well!" He giggled.
"Na-uh, I didn't poop my diaper." I inform him.
"Well you might have not pooped but you got pee running down your leg!" Tim points out to me.
Neither of us goes and tells anyone, instead we continue our play. At some point I start to wonder if Tim was hard or not. I knew that he always seemed to get hard when he saw diapers, so I figured he probably was. Curiosity got the better of me finally, and I went up and asked him.
"Hey Tim, is your boy toy hard?" I asked him forgetting that he hates it when I call his penis that.
"You mean my penis?" He asks.
"Yeah that." I answer, hoping that he will say yes.
"If you really need to know it is." Tim tells me.
I grin as I say, "Mine is too!"
Without any warning to him I slipped my hand into the inside of his very wet diaper and grabbed his stiffy. I don't know why but for some reason he doesn't pull away or get mad at me. As I pull on his rod I find myself wanting him to do the same for me. Unfortunately, he does not repay the favor. Even so, I continue to pull on his and as he gets more and more excited and his panting becomes quick and heavy, I too feel my own boy toy getting excited. Amazingly as I hear Tim gasp suddenly and feel the white stuff he is able to shoot hit my hand, my own boy toy spasms to a dry orgasm without ever being touched.
As we both come down from our orgasms, neither of us moves. I still had my hand in his diaper when Tim gives me a wicked grin and seconds later I feel wet warmth spreading on my hand. For some reason unknown to me, his peeing on my hand causes my own bladder to let go and I feel myself filling my diaper. Suddenly something doesn't feel right and that's when I sit up and discover that I am in my bed inside our cabin.
It took me several seconds to fully realize that I had been dreaming. I wasn't sure what time it was, but it definitely was dark in the room. I was going to reach over and wake up Mom and tell her I was scared, but other than me the bed was empty. If I thought I was scared before, I definitely was now. I looked around the room and even though it was dark and I could not see in the bunk above me, I was sure it was just as empty as the other beds appeared to be. The realization hit me, it was spooky dark and I was totally alone!
I sat in that bed cowering in fear wondering where my mommy was. That was when I discovered what the weird feeling I had that woke me. The back of my pajama shirt and pants was soaked along with the bed in my pee.
"Damn!" I thought. "I got the bed wet, now we will have to get it cleaned up before we can all go to sleep tonight." I found it hard to believe that my diapers were already leaking but the evidence told me different.
As I sat there debating on what to do, I feel the whole ship violently shudder. Now this did not seem normal at all. What happened that could cause Titanic to do that? I started to wonder if there was a storm outside and if Titanic was getting hit by some large waves. The thing was, other than that one time, Titanic seemed to be motionless.
Sitting there, I finally realize that I am not awake yet. No, this is all part of my nightmare. Wanting to get more information from my nightmare to help me with the when and how, I decide to take control of it. I figured knowing that it was a nightmare would mean that I could fully control it. The thing is though, I was still too scared to get out of the bed the other thing was I felt really tired in my nightmare.
It took some prodding but I was finally able to get my feet to respond. I got out of bed but before leaving the cabin, I went over to my stuff and grabbed something that I felt compelled to get. I then left the cabin and started walking down the hallway, leaving our cabin door wide open. Like my nightmares before, the hallway is totally deserted. As I walk down the hall the ship seems eerily silent. I wouldn't know until years later that the reason it seemed so quiet was the ship engines had stopped and we were no longer moving on our own power. As before, the nightmare is very detailed and seems so real. I eventually make it to the stairway which is also void of people. When I reach the top I enter a large room, it has windows that you can look out at the ocean. Like everywhere else, it is totally quiet and void of people. Not sure what to do as there were no people yet, I decide to sit in one of the beach chairs. As I lay back in it though my dream tiredness overtakes me and I fall asleep in my dream.
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Screams of terror jolted me awake. I now know the second half of my nightmare has begun. The room is now full of people, screaming and running all over. I decided right then and there that I was not going to let this dream of foretelling scare me any longer.
So as I sit up in the beach chair, I take my time stretching and yawning. I sit there for a few moments scanning the crowd, looking for familiar faces. Finally I decided that it was time to go and look for my mysterious savior. As I get up though I realize that the floor is slanted somewhat and it felt like I was climbing a real small hill. This was new I thought but then I remember the part in the dream where the back of the ship starts to go up real high and I started to wonder if that was happening already. I decided to quicken my pace as I needed to find out that information of how and when the Titanic would sink still before I woke up. When I made it outside onto the top deck I was knocked over when several people struck me.
Now up until now I had been doing a good job at keeping my cool and fighting off any fear. But as I started to get trampled as people ran by, I was no longer able to keep the fear away.
Miraculously I was able to somehow pull myself off the deck floor before I got seriously hurt. Don't get me wrong as I did hurt all over as people had walked on me and I even got accidently kicked a few times. Feeling the pain and agony from that started to make my mind whir.
"What if... What if this is not another nightmare? What if this is the real thing?" I asked myself loudly though the noise around me is so loud I barely can hear the questions.
I don't know why I did so, but I decided to do something that I hadn't done yet in my nightmare. I decided to go in the direction the people were running from. This was definitely not easy as I was shoved around quite a bit in the attempt. Again fear creeped in and had me asking myself, "is this the nightmare or not?"
As I got to the midway part of the ship, I started to hear beautiful music overtop of the screaming people. The band, which I could not see, was playing somewhere nearby. I was looking everywhere but in front of me. When I finally do look I freeze in fear!
As I stand there staring at the sight before me I feel my bladder release and the already over saturated diaper once again over fills and the urine soaks into my pajama pants causing a huge wet spot to form on my right pant leg, going all the way down to the bottom cuff where urine spilled out and puddled onto the deck.
What I was looking at was the front of Titanic almost completely submerged! That was when I knew! Oh, I know I had this same thing happen in my nightmares but this time something was different. So far my nightmares seemed real but a feeling I can't explain told me that this was far more real than any nightmare I ever had! I now knew for fact, that this was real!
I heard a loud scream even over the multitude of other screaming people and realized it had been me that had made that scream of terror! Still petrified with fear, I could not move as I watched the front of the ship slowly sink! I will take that back, something did move but it wasn't good! My bowels emptied their entire contents into the backside of my diaper.
Then something finally breaks the hold on my body and I can move again. Somewhere I am sure I heard someone shout out my name! As I turned and looked, there are still no familiar faces anywhere in the crowd. I know it might have been in my imagination, or it could even been another Josh that someone was hollering for.
I had every intention of taking off and finding the person who hollered my name but the thought of other Josh's made me think of Uncle Josh and that made me think of Tim and then Jacob.
"OH MY GOD! NO!" I screamed.
I don't know why, but something tells me that they are all dead! I started to think, "why did I ever get out of bed?" I knew that if there was any reason the family needed to find one another, that we were supposed to meet in the cabin.
Fear propelled me and I rushed back inside to find the nearest staircase going down, but try as I might to get down it, people forced me back up. One guy, I had no clue who he was, felt the need to scoop me up in his arms and he wouldn't put me down until I bit his hand. At that he just dropped me where he was. I was now back in the aft section of the ship. I now noticed that the incline of the ship, was now getting much steeper.
I was about to once again head toward the staircase so that I could get down to the lower decks where our cabin was. What stopped me was the realization that our deck was most likely already flooded or would soon be. I knew that this would have my parents and sister back up here eventually. I don't know why at the time that it didn't even occur to me to see about getting on a life boat. I guess the fear I was feeling was not allowing me to think straight. It wouldn't matter though as there was no way I would get anywhere near the last few lifeboats aboard the Titanic even, if I knew where they were.
The fear I was feeling and the fear surrounding me finally made my mind snap! I stood there cowering against a wall to keep from getting trampled on again. As I stood there, tears poured from my eyes as I started to wail like a little baby.
I hear a woman scream out, "JOHNNY, IS THAT YOU?" She makes her way towards me and grabs my arm, effectively spinning me around so she can see if I was her Johnny. I knew I wasn't her Johnny, but at that moment I actually found a small part of me wishing I was her Johnny. Of course she noticed I wasn't Johnny. She then threw me against the wall and screamed at me as if it was my fault that she thought I was her Johnny. For a moment I seriously believed she might actually hurt me. Instead she turned around and rushed off in the opposite direction, still screaming for her Johnny.
As I continued to stand there and wail, I once again am sure I hear my name being called. Once again I scan the crowd of panicking people but see no familiar faces. I am still crying but instead of wails, I am now crying for my mommy and daddy!
"Have you seen my mommy and daddy?" I asked a man whose coat I grabbed as he tried to pass me.
When the man looked at me he had fear in his eyes! Instead of helping me, he ripped my hand off his coat and shoved into several other panicking people. He then turned and disappeared into the crowd. I continue to try to get someone to stop and help me find my mommy and daddy but either I got ignored or shoved around like what happened with the man!
Fear has totally surrounded me and I don't know what to do at all. I know that this is real and I know the nightmares I had foretold this, but I don't know if there was ever a savior for me or if that was my mind just trying to deal with what would happen. I figured that it was more likely the case that I was going to die on this ship!
As I stood there crying I felt a trickle going down my leg and knew I was wetting myself once again. I then screamed, "MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! She said she would never let anything hurt me! She promised to protect me! Where is she! WHERE IS MOMMY?!"
All of a sudden I feel someone once again pick me up and I try to fight myself out of the arms that had grabbed me. Whoever it was said something, though in my panicked state that I was in, I did not hear what he said. I say he because I do at least know that the voice was male.
At some point I pause in my fighting for release to see that we are quickly approaching the side of the ship and that is when I decided to look at the arms of my possible savior. I am not surprised when I see the small half-moon scar from my dream on the man's arm. Then I notice something else, something in his hand. This made me remember and I brought my hand up to my face that had been clutching onto the pipe I had bought to give to my daddy as a gift! I had grabbed it before I had left the cabin and I was now still clutching it miraculously all this time. I never once dropped it and managed to keep it safe this whole time. So if I had my dad's pipe, then where did the pipe that guy was carrying in his hand, come from.
I didn't have much time to think about that as my savior hollered out something that confused me and I don't know what to think. Less than a second later we reached the side railing. My savior never slows or stops but keeps on going and somehow manages to propel himself high enough, to jump over the railing.
As we are flying in the air he screams out, "HOLD ON TIGHT!"
Then like a rock, we plummet towards the icy cold ocean water! As we fall, I scream in terror beyond any terror I ever felt before! The water is quite a ways down from the deck of Titanic and I knew that I was either going to die on impact or drown.
The fact that I never learned to swim now haunted me more than ever before! I had been too scared to go out in water deeper than me, so I never learned to swim, even though Dad had tried to get me to do so. When I was 10 he threw me into the deep part of the lake but because I started drowning, he had to jump in and rescue me. After that, he never again tried to get me to learn to swim. Now I wished he kept insisting as there was no one to save me now. Well there was my savior but in my nightmares he disappears after I enter the water. It doesn't matter anymore as there was nothing I or anyone else could do to keep me from hitting that water.
I knew the water was cold but I didn't know it was that cold! The minute we struck the water, between the temperature and the impact, every bit of oxygen that was in my lungs, was dispelled! Down we went! Further and further and further! My lungs were screaming! They needed air and they needed it now! I am desperately trying to keep from breathing in the icy cold salt water, so I don't notice that our downward movement has been stopped and we were now being propelled upward!
Just before we broke the water's surface I could no longer keep from breathing in and took in a lungful of that icy water! Breaking the surface when we did saved my life as my gag reflex started to work at that moment and I coughed back up all the nasty salt water! When I finally stopped gagging, I realized that I am not alone. My savior was still with me after all.
I grab hold of him tightly and said, "I can't Swim!"
"Hurry, get on my back! There is not much time!" He hollers at me. When I don't move quick enough he hollers once again! "If we don't get away from this ship and fast, we will be brought under with her! Do you understand?"
Once again, panic at the thought of being drugged back down with the Titanic, terrified me! Even through the panic though, I was able to climb on the strangers back! Once settled on his back, he swam as fast and as far as he could from Titanic! He swam as if our lives depended on it, which they of course did!
I was more than a little cold. In fact I am sure if I could have seen myself that I would have looked downright blue. I knew that I needed to get out of the water and soon or I would die there!
Suddenly I heard loud noises coming from behind me! It sounded as if God himself had reached down and grabbed the Titanic and tore her in two! It was the sounds of iron being ripped and torn apart! I glanced behind me in time to see the gigantic ship almost perpendicular! The lights on Titanic flicker and then go completely out, plunging everything around us into total darkness! Then I heard even more of those ripping sounds and I watched as Titanic breaks in two! I continued to watch in fear, as the bow disappeared under the ocean water! The aft section of Titanic which had been fully out of the water with its great propellers sticking in the air, started to right itself and crash back towards the water! I could still see people on the back of the ship and for a few minutes I believed that they will be okay as the aft section bobbed in the water. Then suddenly it tipped forward and it too slipped under the water to join its bow in its watery tomb!
With the ship completely gone I went into hysterics! "MOMMY! DADDY!" I scream over and over again as I shed more tears.
"Josh, stop it!" I hear my savior yell out to me. And to get me to stop he allowed his back to go down enough to get my attention as it made me think he was going to let me drown.
From that point as he swam we talked and I got to know a lot about my savior. He told me things that at 12 I was not able to comprehend or understand. The talking helped me more than I could ever have thought and would even direct me in the direction I needed to take my life in. He also told me things that I refused to believe but would eventually come to terms with. Through all this we swam, as he tried his best to keep most of my body out of the water. By the time my savior succumbed to the cold waters, I felt that I knew him well. The problem I quickly found now was that, with him dead, his body did not properly support my weight. I now had to go back into the freezing water and hold onto his body with dear life!
Afraid that I was going to lose the only thing that was keeping me afloat; I sent a quick prayer to heaven. "God, if you are listening, please help me!"
I was still looking at the dark night sky when I felt us bump into something. Even though it was dark and hard to see, I could tell what we hit was some floating debris. It looked as if it was large enough to support both of our bodies. Even though my savior was no longer alive, I felt I owed it to him to save his body. I managed to grab hold of the side of it and pull myself onto it. I then reached out to try and pull my savior's body up onto the debris. The problem was, I was just too little and I could not pull his body from the water. In the end, though I didn't want to, I let go of his body and watched it disappear into the dark.
Even though I was now out of the water, I was still freezing to death! I looked around my floating debris raft, trying to see if there was anything that I could wear or cover myself with. Amazingly there was! Not only was there several blankets, I even found some boys clothing that was only a little bigger than I was. It wasn't until I found the picture that I realized whose clothing it was!
"Oh my god! Is this really Jacob's stuff?" I asked darkness around me.
Yes it was, after digging around I find more of his stuff, including his diapers. I gathered all of his personal belongings and put them inside a blanket. Not really wanting to let it out of my hand where it had been for the last few hours, I reluctantly dropped my dad's pipe inside blanket bundle.
I still needed to get out of my freezing wet things, so I started to strip. Once I am down to my diaper I once again fear that I might not be able to get it off. But I decided I have to try! So I pulled down my rubber pants and set them aside. I then started to work on my diaper pins. With great difficulty and frozen fingers I eventually do get all of the pins out. I make sure to keep them all in a pile.
I was not stupid; I would keep ahold of everything I have as I had no idea what to expect from this point. I also knew that if Jacob's stuff made it out of the Titanic, that there might be hope for Jacob too!
As I carefully removed the third and last diaper from my groin and butt, I walk to the side and dump the contents of my bowels into the ocean. I then set the wet diaper with the other two. Then I remember that I still have poop smeared all over my butt and after scrounging some more, I found a towel, which I wet in the ocean water and used to clean all the pee and poo from my skin.
Needing desperately to get warm and fast, I for the first time attempt to diaper myself. I mean, the last thing I wanted to do was put on dry clothes and then end up peeing in them and being all wet and cold again. So I diapered myself using the pins that I took out of my diaper. To be honest, it was an awful job and not very tight. At least though, I was diapered and felt better knowing that. Instead of using Tim's rubber pants, I washed the ones I had on out and then dried them off real good. Once I had them pulled on and properly covering all the diaper, I then put on the set of Jacob's clothes that I set out for me. Luckily the diaper was thick enough to keep the pants from falling down. I did have to roll the cuffs up to keep from stepping on them. The only thing I did not have, was shoes.
In warm clothes and now wrapped in a couple blankets I felt much better. The past couple hours though took their toll on me and soon I was asleep.
When I did awake again, the sun was high in the sky. It had been a while since I had eaten anything and now my stomach was demanding food. Almost certain that I had been through everything during the night; I went ahead and checked again anyways. Again I found no food but what was even more important was the fact that there was no water either. I may only be 12 but I was old enough to know that a person needs water to live and that salt water would not work!
The only thing I could do now was do what my savior said. That instruction he gave me was simple, just wait. So I waited and as the sun started to hang low in the sky, I became afraid of being out there all alone for another night! What was even scarier was that a couple hours earlier I had a couple sharks swimming around my makeshift raft. Boy did I feel a lot better when they finally left for different prey.
I must have dozed off again because the next thing I know, a loud ship whistle awakened me. It turned out to be one of the rescue ships and they had noticed the floating debris and decided to check it out. I was relieved beyond belief when I was rescued. There was one thing that embarrassed me. I had still been wearing the diaper that I had put on the night before and it was now leaking as I felt the back of my pants were all wet and there was a wet spot where I had been sitting. I got over it quickly though, as I now knew, there were much worse things that could happen to me.
I quickly gathered my things, including the three diapers that I took off last night and later cleaned with a bar of lye soap that was in Jacob's things. I bundle it all up in the blanket and climbed the rope ladder that they dropped over the side for me. It wasn't easy bringing up that bundle but somehow I managed to do it.
On the ship I was given food and water and was now feeling better, at least in that department. There were other people they had rescued on board the ship and I scanned the faces, hoping and praying that I would find Mom or Dad, shoot I would even feel better if I saw Jane. Even though I checked out everyone, there was no one that I recognized.
When we pulled into the New York harbor a few days later I noticed hundreds, maybe thousands of people waiting for news on their loved ones. As we got off the ship we were told to register our name so that our friends and family know we are alive. At first I was more than willing to do this. But as I was heading over to do so, I had a clarity of thought. "What if my family is all dead? If I put my name on that piece of paper it will signify that I am a kid all alone. The last thing I wanted after hearing about Jacob's experiences, was to end up in an orphanage.
Using the crowding people, I managed to sneak away. Not knowing what to do now, I started to explore this wondrous city called New York. As it started to get dark though, I knew I needed to find someplace where I could hide out and I wanted it to be close to the harbor. I was in luck, about a half mile down the shoreline was a wreck of a boat sitting on the beach, just letting nature rot it away. I went inside and made sure to check for any signs that anyone else might be staying there. When I was satisfied that it was empty, I made myself home.
For the next month that boat was my home. I began a daily routine which began with me waking up and removing my wet and messy diaper. I would wade into the ocean water and use it to wash off all the poop and pee. Once I was clean, I would clean my diapers and rubber pants and then set them up to dry for the day. I would then re-diaper myself in clean diapers and get dressed. I would then set off to work for the day.
The second day after I arrived in New York, I passed a news stand and saw the headline on the newspaper.
`Titanic Hits an Iceberg and Sinks! Over 1500 Are Presumed Dead!'
As I stared at the headline I started to weep. Somehow somewhere I managed to keep hope alive in my heart and walked away from the lying paper.
Later that same day I bumped into a kid about my age panhandling. Because the kid reminded me so much of Tim as he had some similar features I couldn't stop myself from talking to him. I learned that his name was Tommy and that he was almost 14, which I found a little hard to believe. Still I found myself really liking the kid. Tommy it turns out lost his whole family when their apartment building burned down. He was only 8 when he found himself then on the streets. Because he was real cute though, he quickly became good at panhandling and was making quite a bit. Now that he is older, he doesn't make anywhere near the amount he use to make.
It was a good thing I did talk to him as I was practically starving by then as I had no food, or money to buy any. I also was still shoeless. Tommy agreed to teach me the way of a street kid. He showed me the safest places where a kid could get a meal without threat of being taken to an orphanage. He taught me how to panhandle. He even showed me a couple of safe places to sleep at. Probably the best thing that he did for me, was warn and show me the areas of the city that I needed to stay away from. That first day he took me to a church where I was able to get some clothes that fit me better and most importantly a pair of shoes.
So every morning I would leave the boat to go work for the day, which was just a nicer way of saying panhandling. I must have been pretty cute because I was making quite a bit. It turned out though, according to Tommy, that it was because I was new, and I would learn this was true over the next couple weeks as people got use to seeing me.
Every once in a while as I was working, guys would come up to me and ask me if I were interested in making some dough. Since the only dough I knew was the kind you bake with, I was totally confused. All these guys seemed pretty nervous so when I didn't answer them they would take off. A few days after I met Tommy I decided to ask him about it, boy did that kid laugh.
Tommy explained to me that the guys that were asking me that, wanted me to have sex with them. He admitted to me that he did it a few times until one guy beat him so bad that he almost died. After that he never did it again. His recommendation to me was to not do it. I decided that it would be in my best interest to listen to him about that.
Anyway around dinner time I would go to the soup kitchen that Tommy recommended, where I would then meet him and we would have dinner together. Because I was trying to save money I would skip breakfast and at lunch time I would use a little of the money I made and buy something from one of the many street vendors. I would also take this time to check my diaper and if need be, I would change myself. Every day I carried one of the cloth sacks that had held Jacob's new clothes. In it I carried enough diapers for two changes, a clean pair of pants just in case, and the small engraved pipe. For some reason I just didn't trust leaving it back at the ship. You may be wondering about Jacob's picture of his mom. I really considered bringing it with me as well, but I decided against that and found the perfect hiding spot for it instead.
After diner was over, I would head towards the dock where Titanic was supposed to have unloaded her passengers on. I learned that there was a list of the confirmed living and dead that was updated daily and posted there for anyone to check. Usually by the evening hours there wasn't much of a line. I would scan the list for any of my family or friends. Every day I did this though, I was drastically disappointed. The list also let us know if any unclaimed bodies found. If so, I would head to a nearby building, which was being kept freezing cold, and checked out the recovered bodies.
I remembered the first time I did that. It was just my second day in New York and someone told me where the bodies were. It was awful for me as I looked at all of those dead faces, some of them children. By the time I left that day, I was crying my eyes out.
Anyway, after I did my rounds, I would head back toward my home, making sure that no one was following me. So far I hadn't trusted anyone including Tommy with the location I was staying at. Once there, I would change my diaper and then wash out my dirty ones from earlier that day. Then exhausted I would lie down and pray for no nightmares. Of course though, I had the same recurring nightmare every god forsaken night!
The nightmare that I was forced to live through every night, was the last day onboard the Titanic. It wouldn't end until I made it safely to the floating debris.
Every day that went by, got more and more depressing! Honestly if it hadn't been for Tommy, I think I would have ended up in an insane asylum. Tommy would make sure I was doing okay when we met for dinner and a lot of times would even accompany me to the dock. One of the best things I liked about Tommy was that he never made fun of my diapers like a lot of the other boys did. He asked me about them the very first day we met since it was obvious I was wearing them. I explained everything that happened to land me back into diapers and gratefully, Tommy was very understanding about the whole thing.
It was about two weeks after I arrived in New York that I got my first bit of news. I just wished though that it had been good news. I had eaten dinner with Tommy and after we were done Tommy had noticed I was leaking. It turned out that when I checked my diaper earlier, that it wasn't that bad so I didn't change it. Well I guess I should have checked it again before dinner. There was an alley near by that was usually pretty deserted and I decided to head towards it to get some privacy to change my diaper. Tommy tagged along and at first I was a little embarrassed at the thought of changing in front of him. I was about to ask if he would wait for me around the corner but before I could, he asked me something that almost blew me away. I didn't know what to say at first but then before I really could think about, I found myself saying yes. What he had asked me was if I would be okay with him changing me. It turned out he was pretty good at diaper changes and from then on, if he was around and I needed changing, I would let him do it. That day after he changed my diaper for the first time, he came with me when I went to the dock. I scanned the list like I always do and noticed that there were some new bodies. As I was going through and checking them out, my eyes fall on one of a kid, roughly my size. At first I didn't recognize him but when I did; I felt my heart being ripped from my chest! I fell on top of the body of my friend Tim and wailed! I am not sure how long I cried my eyes out on Tim's lifeless form, I just know that even after my tears were gone, I still couldn't get up. Tommy worried, pulled me to my feet. He then helped me walk out of that building of death but before we left I identified Tim's body.
You know I don't know how I got from the docks to the burned out house that Tommy stays in. All I know was that for the next few days, I was mentally gone! During that time, Tommy took care of me. He would go out to work in the mornings and by noon he would be back with food. He would then make me eat and when I needed to be changed and cleaned up, he would make sure that it was done. Because most of my diapers were back at my place and he didn't know how to get there, he was constantly washing the diapers I had with me.
Around the morning of the fourth day I became aware of my surroundings again. I am not sure what brought me out of my depression, but when I found out how long I had been away, and that he had been taking care of all my needs during that time. I cried tears of gratefulness for my friend Tommy. I then pressed my lips against his and passionately kissed him.
Now I would love to say that Tommy and I became more than friends and that we ended up doing more than what I just did, but it just didn't happen. Tommy was very nice and polite about it but he explained to me that even though he did stuff like that for money in the past, it was not something he would ever want to do again. Yes his rejection hurt me deeply but at least he still remained my friend. After that, we both grabbed our stuff and headed out to work that day. We met that evening for dinner and ate together. After dinner I told him I was tired and since I haven't been home for a while I would skip the docks for the evening. He was still worried about me and wanted to make sure if I didn't want him to come with me.
You know what is funny? I am one hundred percent positive that if Tommy hadn't rejected me that I would have gladly brought him back to my place. For some reason though, I now felt funny being around Tommy alone in either of our places. Maybe it is because I am afraid that I would make another sexual advance on him and this time because of it, lose a great friend. So I told him that I would be fine and that I would see him tomorrow. At that we went our separate ways.
Now I had every intention of doing exactly what I told Tommy I was going to do. But as I passed the dock, I felt a strong pull towards the body storage area. I really fought with myself on this one as I really didn't want to see Tim's lifeless stiff body again. Still the compelling need to go in there was too strong to ignore. And so I found myself entering the last place that I saw Tim, now cold and dead.
When I entered the place, I couldn't get up the nerve to go and see if Tim's body was still there or not. Instead I checked the faces of the dead that had been brought in since I was here last. I am not sure if it was good or not, but I didn't recognize any of the others. As I got close to Tim's body and decided to finally get up the courage and look that way, I noticed a woman that I recognized from a photo Tim had shown me. It was his mother! It appeared she had come to claim her son's body. I really wanted to approach her and let her know about Tim's last few days but I couldn't get up the nerve. I knew now that it wasn't Tim that I was driven in here to see, it was the fact that Tim's body now identified and claimed. I now can maybe get some peace knowing that Tim will be able to rest in peace. With that knowledge I turn around and walk back out.
Since I was on the dock I decided to check the list and found the names of not only my parents but my sister as well. They were listed under the presumed dead listing. It would be years later that I would find out how they got listed dead with no body found. For the time being, to keep from having another mental breakdown, I told myself that it was a lie. Of course I remembered what my savior told me and I knew deep down that it was true.
Trying my best to not fall to pieces, I walk home for the first time in days. To be honest I was worried that someone found the place while I was away and stole all my stuff. When I got home, I was happy to discover that everything was still there, even Jacob's picture. With that I got back to my daily schedule.
For the next couple weeks I continued the same daily schedule until one day I went to the dock and saw a sign that declared the search for the dead and alive Titanic passengers has been officially declared over. There was a final list that included all of the missing which were now legally declared dead. I broke completely when -I saw my own name listed along with my parents and my sister Jane.
Of course Jacob's name was not on the list because he was a stowaway and not an official Titanic passenger. Still Jacob was never found as far as I knew and so I was sure my savior was telling me the truth about Jacob being dead as well. Still all this time I had hoped that Jacob survived. I mean here I ended up on a piece of the ship with Jacob's belonging, so he must have survived. Once again I completely fall apart because even though I didn't want to admit it, I knew that everyone that I ever loved and knew onboard the Titanic was now dead.
I collapsed in a heap under the sign. Because of my weakened state from the blow only two weeks earlier, brought on at the sight of Tim's dead body, something broke inside of me and I couldn't no longer interact with the world around me. Instead, I found a dark pit in the recess of my mind where I hid from all the pain I was experiencing.
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Chapter 24: ...And Life Must Go On!
When I opened my eyes one sunny summer day, I found myself totally confused. I sat up and looked around me. I was in a nice bedroom and lying in a big comfortable bed with no memory of how I got there. Sunlight poured into the room through a window that has a view of a small rolling hill covered in a thick layer of grass. Wherever I was, it certainly was pretty.
Not really sure what to do, I decided to get out of bed and try and see if there was anyone else in the home. As I get out of bed, I see that I am dressed in a nightgown that actually looked brand new. It doesn't take me long to also figure out that I am heavily diapered and I was sure that I wasn't only wet but messy as well.
I cautiously opened the bedroom door and peaked out. I didn't see anyone so I opened the door wider and stepped into the hallway. Not knowing for sure which way to go, I decide to turn left as it appeared the hallway ended a few doors down on the right. I assumed that those doors either led to more rooms or closets.
As I walked down that hallway, I tried not to make any noise, for all I know the person who brought me here was still sleeping and I didn't want to be rude and wake them. About halfway down there is a large opening that leads into what looked like a sitting room. The room on the other side of that was a good size dining room. Whoever owned this house had money. And when I came across the kitchen I knew that a woman definitely lived here.
Still I had yet to run into anyone. I decided to go back into the dining room and check out the other room off of it. This room was real cozy looking and even had a large fire place. Then I noticed the front door which was wide open. Curious I walked to it and looked out. There on her knees working in her flower garden was a beautiful woman who looked to be in her late 20's to early 30's. I would later learn she was 37.
I probably stood there in that doorway for ten to fifteen minutes before she turned and noticed me. I must have startled her as she let out a little shriek. Then as she got over her fright, she smiled and walked over to me. For a second I felt afraid and was not sure what to expect. When this woman that I never met before got down on her knees and hugged me, I didn't know what to think. It also didn't help that I felt emotionally dead. I wanted to ask her what was going on and where was I, but suddenly I felt weak and my limbs gave out while in her arms. The only thing that kept me from falling on my diapered butt, was her tight hold on me.
Noticing right away what had just happened to me, she picked me up and carried me back into the house, all the way back to that room I found myself in. She then laid me down onto the bed but didn't cover me and I soon learn why. She must have smelled my poopy diaper as I noticed her gather things from a wardrobe including 4 thick cloth diapers. Embarrassed but not having the strength to stop her, I endured the humiliation of some stranger seeing me in the condition I was in. It amazes me, even with me being embarrassed as I was, my boy toy was still rock hard. The lady washed it real good but other than that didn't pay it much attention. I do have to admit that she was very good at diapering me and she never once seemed grossed out that I had pooped myself. She actually had the same kind of look that Mom had when she changed my poopy diapers.
With me changed into a clean diaper I was hoping to get some answers to some questions I had. Unfortunately, my body had other plans. Almost instantly, as she pulled the covers up over me, I fell asleep. When I woke up next it was the following day.
Wanting answers but not having the strength to really stay awake for very long, I had to settle getting the story over the next couple weeks of time.
For starters, the lady's name was Sarah Mitchel. As I already told you, she was 37 years old. Like me, Sarah had been aboard the Titanic. She was there with her husband and 10 year old little boy named Petey. She was there the day that I collapsed on the ground. She too had seen the sign and like me her family was missing but declared dead.
I found out that night when Titanic sank, that a porter had knocked on their door to awaken them and asked them to head to the life boat. Her and her husband George had awakened Petey and raced to the nearest lifeboat. Somehow Petey got separated from them. Since George was not allowed on the life boat anyway, he promised his wife that he would find Petey and get him on another one. She then kissed her husband for the last time.
Like me she was hoping for the possibility that her son and husband were alive. When she saw the final list though, reality finally sunk in. She herself was about to break down as I did, but when she saw me collapse, she knew that there was a little boy that needed her desperately. This in turn gave her the strength to go on.
Without any help or notifying anyone, she picked up my limp body and carried it back to her motor coach. She saw my things next to me and went back to grab them as well. It turns out that the Mitchel's were millionaires. They unlike us had been traveling first class.
The home we were at right now was a small cottage they owned in upstate New York. Their actual home though was in Dayton OH. I got to see pictures of their home which was by all means a huge mansion. The reason why Sarah brought me to the cottage though was because there would be more privacy and fewer questions by nosey neighbors to answer. She did inform me though that once I felt up to it that we would be traveling by train to Dayton to go home.
I was too weak to argue with her at that time so I just let it go for then. I had this feeling that Sarah thought I was her little Petey. Oh, the reason why Sarah was so great at diapering me; was because Petey still wet the bed every night and she diapered him to protect it and allow him to sleep better. As much as I would like to say that I did not need this stranger in my life, I couldn't as it would have been a lie. Sarah in so many ways reminded me of my own mother. I guess it doesn't help that I was still very depressed and distraught. All of this was surprising but it wasn't the biggest surprise in store for me.
I think it was the 9th or 10th day of waking up in that room that I got my most startling news. According to Sarah, from the time she carried me to her car and brought me home, to the time I first became conscious and walked out and saw Sarah the first time, over three weeks had gone by. I had been lying there in that bed for over three weeks, while she fed me and changed my dirty diapers. So it was at the end of the fifth week that I had been her guest that I was finally strong enough to get out of bed for more than a few minutes. Even still I knew that I didn't have the strength to head out on my own.
As the next few weeks went by and my strength increased, I started to feel like my old self again. During this long period I was able to come to term with the death of my parents and friends. Yes, other than Tim there was no body to confirm that they were dead, but I knew after all this time that there was no way that they could still be alive. Coming to terms with the deaths helped me psychologically to move forward with my life. Oh yes there were still days where I would be overcome by grief but as I got older, time started to heal those wounds.
Another thing I noticed over those weeks, Sarah who was so good to me and truly loved me, was becoming very important to me as well. In fact by the end of that summer, as we were getting ready to head our way back to the city of New York to catch the train to my new home in Dayton OH, I found that I loved her almost as much as my own mother. I knew that Sarah could never replace my own mother, just like Sarah knew that I could never replace her Petey. Neither of us had our families anymore, but somehow the love between us grew to forge a new family with the two of us. A family by then so strong that there was no way we were going to be ever separated.
The day before we left, we packed all our belongings. Mommy had promised me that once we got to New York that she would buy me some new clothes. Yes I was calling Sarah mommy now. When Sarah had first told me a few weeks earlier that I could call her mom or mommy, I kinda felt weird doing so. Over the next few days as I thought about it more, I realized that my own mother would not hate me for loving someone else as a mother. She would always know that I loved her and that would never change. In fact I knew my mother would be happy to know I had someone who loved and wanted me as much as she did. It was then that I decided that I needed more than my friend Sarah. What I really needed then was a mommy, one that would protect me from all the bad stuff in the world! From that point on, I never called Sarah by name again. She was either Mom, Mother, or in those early years, when I needed extra attention to get me through the hard days, I called her Mommy. She knew when I called her Mommy that I needed some extra love, and she was more than happy to give it.
On our way to New York to catch the train, I asked Sarah for two favors. While in New York I told her I needed to let a friend I made there know that I was okay. The second favor was that I needed to find my home the old boat I lived in as there was something important and dear to me there. No it wasn't the pipe as it was safely packed in one of the suitcases.
When Mommy first saw the pipe she had asked me about it because she was concerned that I might be smoking. I tried to explain to her why the pipe meant so much to me. Even though I didn't think I did a very good job of explaining it, Mommy totally disagreed. She completely understood why it meant so much to me.
Now as for what I wanted to get, it meant as much to me as the pipe did. It was a picture of a woman inside of an expensive silver frame. The woman was my dead lover's mother. Jacob had cherished that picture and now that he was gone, I cherished it as well. I knew that picture would be with me until the day I died. It was like I was holding a part of Jacob's soul in my hand every time I picked it up.
When we got to New York, I took Mommy first to where I had lived during my stay there. As I entered the boat, I noticed that all my things were gone. Someone had finally stumbled onto my stuff. Afraid that they might have found the picture I immediately headed for the hiding spot and was relieved to find it still there. With my picture in one hand and Mommy's hand in the other, we walked away from that stretch of beach for the last time.
With one thing accomplished, we set off in search of Tommy. By the way, when I had gotten to know Tommy better, he admitted to me one day that he was not almost 14 as he tried to lead me to believe. In fact Tommy was younger than me. A month before I turn 13, Tommy would be turning 12. I promised him that day that I would never tell anyone that he was younger than he claimed. I guess now that doesn't matter anymore.
I knew the spots that Tommy liked to work at and we checked them all out. When I couldn't find him in any of them I decided to take Mommy to check out where he lived. I do have to say that Mommy was very nervous because of the area we were in. Even so she knew how much Tommy meant to me and I was kind of hoping that Tommy would agree to come with us as well. I had talked it over with Mommy, and she had agreed that if Tommy wanted to come with us, that she would be more than happy to take him in as well.
When we got to Tommy's place he wasn't there. I did notice that some of his things were thrown around. This started to make me worried. I wasn't sure where else I could go, but then I remembered the soup kitchen we always ate at. He had been a regular there for a couple years and so they knew him pretty well. I told Mommy that this was the last place I knew where to look and so we head to the soup kitchen.
When we reached the soup kitchen, I asked several regulars there that I knew Tommy conversed with, but none of them knew anything, well take that back. One kid told me that Tommy had been trying to look everywhere for me. He then told me though that he hadn't seen him in the last week or so. As I was asking another kid who didn't know anything, one of the staff overheard me.
The staff member was the kind black lady who was always concerned about how skinny some of us were and gave us more food. Anyway she had called me over as she knew my name. In fact I am embarrassed to say I didn't even think about asking her as she made it a point to get to know every child that went down the line. Both Mommy and I walked over to her and after I heard the news, I wished I had stopped while I was ahead. I know that sounds dumb, but at least if I hadn't heard what happened to Tommy I could make believe he was still out there somewhere.
It seems that Tommy had been spending so much time looking for me that he was not working and making money for food. It seems that he ran out of money and because he didn't want to give up his day time search, he decided to do something that he had promised himself he would never do again. According to Meagan, that was the black ladies name. Tommy had come in for dinner a couple times badly beaten. She said he tried to play it off but she knew better and that it was one of his customers who beat him up. Meagan then told me how worried she was when Tommy did not show up for dinner for the next two days. On the third day she picked up the New York Times and on page two she saw a picture of a boy that she was positive was Tommy. It turned out that she had kept the paper in memory as being one of her boys. She quickly went to the office to retrieve it and handed it to me and Mommy to read.
Basically the story said that an unknown boy had been found in a trash bin dead. The cause of death was severe contusions to his head. Further investigating of his body found that the boy had only been recently molested. Police are asking for anyone who has any information to come forward. And that was it.
Meagan then answered the unasked questioned that hadn't had a chance yet to pass my lips. She had needed to know if it was indeed Tommy. Since she knew him and no one else had come forward to claim the body, they allowed Meagan a chance to see if it was Tommy and identify him. It didn't take long; one look Meagan said was all it took to have her crying. It had been Tommy, her sweet Tommy. She then told us that she felt bad just leaving him there. She had gone to some of the Soup Kitchen's benefactors and was able to get some gracious donations from them to give Tommy a proper burial next to his parents.
I was sad to hear that Tommy died. I was tragically injured deep in my heart to know that it was because of me that he was dead. If Mommy hadn't been there for me then, I know I would have slipped back into an even deeper depression. Sensing my impending breakdown Mommy picked me up and got me to cry myself out while letting me know that she loved me.
That night we stayed in a hotel downtown. By the time it was my bedtime I was starting feel like myself again. I was still saddened at the new of Tommy's death but I was happy that he was now with his mommy and daddy and was in peace. I was also happy to know that he would get a chance to know my family and my other two best friends. Before I went to sleep Mommy changed my soaked diaper and got me all pinned into four clean ones.
I had been afraid that I would have the nightmare again that night since I was so distraught about Tommy's death. It no longer happened every night but now only occasionally. When it did happen and I woke Mommy from my cries she would sooth me by rubbing my tummy and quietly talking me through it.
Another thing I found out about myself after I had gotten better. I was now scared of the dark and of being alone. I could no longer sleep in my room at night and would go into Mommy's and get in bed with her. Eventually I screamed and cried when she put me in my bed. It was decided after Mommy realized how real the fear was for me, that until I was ready to sleep in my own bed, that I could sleep with her. Boy did I feel a lot better when she said that. Anyway amazingly I did not have the nightmare. The next day we did the clothes shopping and got on the train.
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Time went by and before I knew it, Months turned into years. As the years went by I matured and became a man.
I was almost 14 when I stopped wetting my pants and pooping myself. It took me a little longer to stop wetting the bed but before I turned 16 I had stopped doing that as well.
Another thing changed, I was no longer Josh Clemens. I was now Josh Mitchel. Mommy had officially adopted me a year after she took me in. At first I agonized over whether I wanted to change my last name, but that was put to rest after a dream one night.
In the dream my parents came to me and told me how proud they were of me. They explained that they weren't mad that I found a new family and that they understood. Then they had me in tears when they gave me their blessing on changing my name. I hugged them both tightly and bawled onto their shoulders. They both apologized that they could no longer be here on earth with me and how proud they were of the man I had become. I also forgave Mom for leaving me that night in which she cried happy tears. All too soon they said they had to go. I begged and cried for them to stay but they told me that they would always be a part of me. As they left I yelled out that I loved them and then I also asked them to let Jane know that I loved her too. Once they disappeared out of sight, I awoke from the dream!
All the way through school I had crushes on both boys and girls but never did I love anyone like I had loved Jacob. As I promised myself I never parted with the picture of Jacob's mother. Some point over the years as I became more self-reliant, I found that I no longer needed the babying that I desperately use to need. Mommy eventually became Mom or even Mother. I never stopped loving my birth mother, so I never felt bad, that is after the dream, about loving this new woman who was my mother as well.
When I had first started school here in Dayton OH, I was scared as I was in a new place, with a new mother, and I did not know anyone. To make it all worse, Mommy thought it was best that I wear a diaper to school. Also I didn't go to a regular school; I went to what Mommy called a private school. In the beginning I was teased right awful because I wore diapers and not only was I wetting them every day, but often I would poop them as well. When the other kids smelled that I pooped they would tease me so bad that I would occasionally run away from the school and would not come back until it was time to go home.
I had been going there for about 3 months when one day the teasing stopped and I had kids come to me and they apologized for what they did. I didn't learn until years later that the principal called a school assembly and asked parents to come as well. Mommy had kept me out of school that day as she thought it better that I did not know what they were up too. The principal told everyone in the assembly my story and why I have the problems I have. Of course the principal thought I started to have bathroom problems after the traumatic experience of the Titanic sinking and taking my family and friends with it. It turned out that most everyone was so touched that it was agreed that no one would ever mistreat me again.
Besides my diaper problem, I had another issue with school. It turned out that after testing me for placement that I was behind for my age. I was told that I should be in the 7th grade but I barely had a 5th grade education. Instead of placing me in the 5th or even the 4th grade, they decided to put me into a new experimental program that allows students to learn at their own pace. It was because of this that I was able to finally get the help I really needed as the class was very much smaller than the normal ones. The thing is that most students worked at a slow pace. With no longer being teased for something I couldn't control and with lots of help from my teacher and my mommy, I found myself totally caught up with the kids my own age, in less than two years.
Mom was so proud of me when I graduated Valedictorian of our senior class. It turned out that I had high aptitudes in math and science. Because of all this I had colleges banging at my door. When Harvard came banging I was ecstatic. Harvard had one of the best Physics programs in the world. I had long decided that I had wanted to be a Physicist.
When it came time to leave for school I cried and hugged my mom goodbye. I could no longer cry into her shoulder easily as I know stood a head above her. Since I came into Mom's life, neither of us had been apart from each other more than a day and now we wouldn't see each other until the holidays.
For the next ten years I study physics at Harvard. It wasn't easy but I was more than motivated to keep moving forward and because I was doing so I was in the top fifteen percent of my class when I graduated with my Doctorate degree. Even though Mom hadn't been feeling too well she still insisted on making the trip to Massachusetts to see me get my degree. She was so proud of me and wept tears of joy.
We spent that day celebrating and that night Mom spent the night at my place. I was awakened in the middle of the night by Mom calling my name. I rushed to her bedside and I could tell she didn't look too good. I insisted on calling the doctor but Mom begged me not to leave her. I remembered back when I was young and when I asked that same question, Mom would never leave me. She then talked about all the things we did together after we were by fate brought together. She then told me something that she never told me before. The day we met she had planned on going back to the hotel and killing herself, but when she saw me collapse she knew someone needed her. I was her reason to go on living and she glad that she had. She then smiled at me as she once again told me how proud she was of me. By now I was crying because I was starting to understand what was happening. Still smiling at me she explained it was her time to go but I was a strong man now and she would always be in my heart. Then she promised that when we meet again that she would be right there next to my parents, waiting to welcome me home. The last thing she said to me was that she loved me. Then with one last breath, she passed from this life and into the next. I wept over her body until I cried myself out.
Mom was right, I was stronger and after the funeral I moved forward. Now though with my education and with the money I inherited, I was able to pursue my secret desire. Never once did I tell anyone what I was going to study and led others to believe I was interested in Astrophysics. What I really wanted to do was build the first time machine. For years I would study and try to build the time machine.
Through all of this time, my love life was pretty non-existent. In college I dated both men and women but like when I was younger, I never could find the love I had with Jacob.
Two years after I had graduated I was shopping in Dayton and I passed a good looking man that got me a little excited down there. Then as we started walking away from each other I had this strange feeling that I knew this man from somewhere. Something in me demanded that I go back and find out who he was. Before I even knew what was happening my feet had already made the decision for me.
When I reached the man who had stopped to buy a hotdog from a street vendor, I tapped him on his shoulder. This time when he turned around there seem to be a look of familiarity in his eyes as well. When he then called me by my old name Josh Clemens I then knew who this was. But how could it be as I was sure that he was dead. The man that I was looking at was Jacob himself!
We both decided to find some place where we could sit down and talk. First I told Jacob everything that had happened to me. I explained how I and my other mother came together. About how she adopted me and that I was now Josh Mitchel. I went on to tell him how I graduated with my Doctorate and how my mom had passed away the same night. He was also the very first person that I told my real reason of becoming a physicist. It didn't take me long to remember what I liked about Jacob, never once did he laugh at me.
After I was done with my story he told me his own. It turned out the reason he wasn't around when I went looking for him was because he been caught stealing food that morning and was in a jail cell that last day on Titanic. If it hadn't been for me sending the message to Molly he wouldn't have gotten out of there and would most likely be fish food. Molly even made sure he got on one of the lifeboats and because he officially was never on the Titanic he never gave his name.
Molly had helped Jacob even more and knew of a family that was nice and would have no problem with his lazy bladder and bowel issues. The family was good to him and adopted him. They weren't rich like Molly but they did live comfortable. They already had two children; one older girl who was fifteen at the time and a younger boy who at ten idolized Jacob.
Jacob said that like me, he had a hard time getting over my death as like me, he thought I was dead. I guess it didn't help that my name was listed among the dead. He too went to college and earned his master's degree. In fact the only reason he was here in Dayton was because he had a job interview that he just got done with.
When I asked about Jacob's love life, it was pretty similar to my own. He did date other guys, but never found a similar connection like the one we formed in just a few days.
I ended up inviting Jacob back to my place that day. I showed him around but that wasn't why I really invited him. I showed him a large bedroom that had a large fireplace in it. The bedroom was mine but it was what was on the fireplace that I wanted him to see. When he saw his mother's picture he broke down. I then told him how I amazingly came upon that picture and how I kept it all these years. I think I got one of the best kisses ever from Jacob who was happy to have his mother's photo again.
Well Jacob got his teaching job and moved in with me. Even though it had been eighteen years, the love we both felt for each other was quickly reignited and soon turned into a roaring fire. Even though we were not officially married, we lived as if we were while in the privacy of our own home. Of course all of this had to be in secret, as it would most likely get Jacob fired from his job, which he loved.
We loved each other and when in twelve short years Jacob was taken from me once again I almost fell apart. I gave myself two weeks to grieve for my beloved Jacob. The thing that helped me the most was the idea that I got twelve more years with him that I never expected to get. This was a gift given to me by God.
By the way unlike with me, Jacob never did get control of his bodily functions. This never bothered me as I was more than happy to change my lover's diapers.
In 1942 Jacob was involved in a car crash and according to what I was told, he died on impact. Once again I had to bury another loved one and I grieved but after those two weeks I went back to work. I did add one thing to the coffin and that was the silver framed encased picture of Jacob's mother. I no longer needed it and felt better knowing that it would be forever with Jacob.
There was one thing that I need to tell. About eight years after Jacob and I got back together; we bumped into a young woman with a small boy. Neither of us recognized this woman but she recognized me immediately and called me by my old name. Of course only those who knew me up until I was thirteen knew me by that name. When she told me who she was I instantly thought of Jane. Standing before me was none other than my sister's friend aboard the Titanic Gwen Green. The little boy was her nephew, Jeremy Green's son. At first I felt anger that the little snot somehow lived while someone like Tim had to die. Then I remembered that he was only 8 then and that it was a long time ago.
It turns out that all the Green children along with their mother made it off Titanic and onto the lifeboats. Mrs. Green did not want to leave her husband, but he had made her. As for Jane she refused to go with the Greens because she knew her parents said to meet in the cabin if they needed to find each other. So that is where she went. The Greens passed my parents as they were heading down the stairs. It wasn't no sooner when they climbed up that first level that a gate was closed and locked behind them, keeping other people from escaping. My parents and sister were of course locked down there. It had been Mrs. Green who informed those at the dock about my parents and Jane.
Gwen, who was now thirty six years old, never married. She recently had moved to Dayton and her brother and his family were visiting for a few days. Because it turned out that we didn't live too far apart we got together on a regular basis. She was the first and only person that we told about mine and Jacob's relationship. Gwen took an interest in the both of us and found the idea of me and Jacob together, adorable. As the friendship of the three of us grew, I finally got up the courage to tell her about the attempt to build a time machine. Surprisingly she never laughed and was seriously interested. I told her that I was still a long way off from finishing it but I hope to one day do so.
When Jacob died, she was right there at my side and was probably the reason I managed to make it through the funeral. After that, for those two weeks I shut her and everyone else out of my life. When I finally came out of it she was there for me. The next few months I felt more than just friendship growing between me and Gwen and one day I felt a strong impulse to kiss her. At first I thought she was going to slap me after I broke the kiss. Instead she just leaned in and kissed me back. It turns out that she had a bad case of puppy love when she met me on Titanic and I didn't even know it. Then over these years she fell in love with me but afraid that I could never love her back, she hid it from me.
We decided to not waste any more time in our life and got married a month later. I ended up paying the money so that the entire Green family could come to the wedding. When I saw Mrs. Green who was getting up there in age, I didn't expect her to even remember me. It turned out that she remembered everything from the times we were eating together on the Titanic.
Other than Gwen I hadn't seen any of the other Greens since the Titanic. Jeremy came up to me and shocked me when he shook my hand and cried. He apologized for every dumb and stupid thing he ever said and he was terribly sorry about Tim and wish he could apologize to him for the mean rotten things he said to him as well.
Life with Gwen was different than it had been with Jacob, but it was good. I loved Gwen just as much as I had loved Jacob. Once again though, I was going to lose another person I loved. Gwen ended up getting pregnant a couple months after we were married. As the pregnancy went on, things took a turn for the worse. Baby and mother were not doing well and Gwen went into an early labor. Unfortunately, neither mother nor son made it through the delivery. Again I buried loved ones. I named my son Tim after my dead friend. This time I used my work to keep me from falling apart.
Shortly after the death of my wife and child I took a temporary teaching position at Harvard. While there I met an amazing woman Susan, who worked at the restaurant that I frequented. Somehow I found myself telling her about Gwen. For some reason though, probably because of all the hurt that the Titanic reminded me of, I never told her about any of it. This included Jacob and my gay lifestyle with him. I did tell her that my parents and sister died in a very bad accident when I was 12 and that I was adopted shortly after, but I never went into detail and Susan never asked me to.
I don't know why, but I never told Susan about my work on the time machine. I guess that might be because I had so far failed to get anywhere close to building one. Those days, I used most of my time towards things I knew were possible, but I always continued my work on the time machine privately, in my spare time.
When I was offered a more permanent job teaching at Harvard, I took it and started to date Susan. A year after we met, in a small private ceremony as neither of us had any family alive, we were married. Susan never replaced the love I had for Jacob or Gwen but she was amazingly the great love of my life. We ended up having 49 great years with each other.
When a little over a year after we got married, we were told that we would be having a baby, both of us were shocked. When our daughter was born on June 1st, 1947 we named her Jane, after my sister. Eventually when Jane was 13 I retired from teaching as I was now 60 years old and I wanted to go back home and start working on some new ideas for my time machine. During all this time I kept my mother's home as I couldn't find it in myself to sell it. I did sell the house in upstate New York as I knew I would never use it. Both Susan who was 48 and I, were pretty old to be the parents of a 13 year old, but we never were sorry for having Jane at our late age.
Jane of course grew up and at the late age of 40 had a little boy herself.
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I then look into my grandson's eyes at this. "And that little boy was you Danny." I smiled.
Danny who all this time had been listening to me with rapid interest finally spoke. "Grandpa, I am so sorry you lost your Mom and Dad when you were so young. I don't know what I would ever do if I lost my parents."
Talking about his parents I started to wonder where Danny's mother had taken off to. She had gotten a call shortly after I started to tell them my story and said she had to leave to run an errand and would be back shortly. Since then it had been over two hours and I thought she would have been back by now.
Danny was interested about my time machine that I was trying to build. "So did you ever get the time machine built?"
I frowned and answered his question the only way I could. "Well, yes and no."
Danny was confused by this answer and I couldn't blame him. "What do you mean Grandpa?"
"It worked but not in the way I had meant it to." I tried to explain. "About four years ago, a year after your Grandma Susan died; I thought I had finally built it. To test it out, I used myself as the subject and used the location as the Titanic. Somehow instead of being sent to the Titanic my mind was connected with my 12 year old self's mind. At first I wasn't sure what had just happened but then I realized I had somehow transferred some of my memories to that 12 year old boy. That is when I had an eureka moment and realized the nightmares I had when I was 12 were actually my memories of the actual sinking. Though in my 12 year old mind they did get jumbled around a bit. It wasn't until a couple years later though that I found out that I did more than just transferred some memories, I somehow connected the mind of my older self, to that of my younger self and because of this I get flashes of the future every once in a while. Like your accident or even when your grandma died. There was nothing I could do for your grandma and since I did not want to scare her, I spent the complete day with her. Then that night after I told her I loved her very much, she passed away. At 82 years old she lived a good fulfilling life and because of this I was able to accept that it was her time to go." As I started to remember my lovely Susan, I cried a little.
Danny was looking at me and he had a worried look on his face. I was about to ask him what was wrong when blurted out, "Grandpa I have to wear diapers every night cause I wet my bed still!"
I smiled a little as this was the first time he ever told me his secret. He didn't know though that I already knew this because his mother had mentioned it to me a few times. She also told me that she caught her son wearing his diapers during the day and when she asked him why he told her he liked them.
About a month ago she called me up on the phone and told me she needed my advice desperately. It turned out that she entered her son's room and caught him and his best friend having sex with each other. My advice to her was to first accept the fact that her son may be gay. I then told her that she and her husband need to make sure Danny knows what the rules would be, when it comes to having sex. It was not my place to tell her that she should allow them to have sex so I told her that she needed to think of it as if he had been with a girl instead and handle it the same way. This was one of the reasons I was so graphical with my story with him, as I wanted him to know that he was not alone. Even though Danny had admitted his bedwetting with me, he never did admit any of the other stuff and I understood this.
We were talking about some of the stuff he would be doing next month when school got out for the summer, when his mother finally returned. My daughter bent over and kissed my cheek.
"Thank you Dad for watching Danny for me." She thanked me.
"No problem Jane, I love spending time with Danny. He reminds me so much of myself when I was his age." And at this I wink at my grandson.
When it came time for them to leave they both hugged me and told me they loved me. I also told them that I loved them as well. As they were leaving my room Danny stopped and turned around to ask me one last question. I had been actually expecting this from him as I was foretold of this moment by my older self's connection of our minds.
"Grandpa you never told me what the guy who saved you said to you before you jumped into the water."
I smiled at Danny. "He said, `hold on Grandpa Josh'."
My grandson was confused by this statement but I know that eventually he would understand. Again we exchange I love you's and they leave. I know that it will be the last time I see them until they too are called home by God.
As I sit there the question Danny asked me before he left comes back to me. It makes me think about my savior and all the clues he gave me to his identity. Now no matter what the guy said, I wasn't convinced who it was until this evening when I saw my grandson's forearm. He had been hurt and had a wicked cut into his skin. He had removed the bandage so I could get a better look and I was not surprise one bit when I see what looks like a half moon gouge in his skin. I knew this would be my half-moon scar.
Later that evening I would have a massive heart attack and will have very little pain. Before I completely expire I will see everyone that I have ever loved who were called home before me there welcoming me home. I see my parents and sister, my second mom along with her family, Tim and his mom and dad, and even my old friend Justin who I had known when we lived in England, who I haven't thought of in years. Then I see Jacob my lover and my two wives Gwen and Susan along with their families. There are others there as well but their faces don't make it back to me as my older self passes away before he can send them. Because of this vision I am happy and more than willing to step from this world to God's when he calls me home!
I had a good life that was filled with an awful disaster. It was my hard and difficult moments of my life along with the good ones, that made me who I was today. As tempting as it is, I wouldn't change anything with my life. I knew that I would have all my love ones once again.
There was one last thing I need to do. Danny's 13th birthday would be coming up in a few months and I wanted to make sure he got his gift. There is a small wrapped package in my night stand along with a card that I now sign. I then write Danny a personal message. Knowing that time was about up, I sealed the card inside the envelope. I then attached it to the gift with a piece of paper folded in two attached to it as well. This is for my daughter, explaining to please give my gift to Danny on his birthday. I was now ready. I had done everything including making out a will where most of everything I have would be going to Danny when he becomes of age. The rest of course, going to my beloved daughter.
Then at 99 years old I am called home!
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Epilogue:
The following are random Journal entries taken from Danny's Journal.
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May 10th, 1999
I saw my grandpa Josh today and he told me about how he was on the Titanic. It was a really scary story. I told Mom about some of it on our way home. I didn't tell her about the sex stuff though because I know how she feels when I and Gary hang out together. Ever since she caught me and Gary doing sexual things with each other she has been a little uncomfortable with him hanging with me. I am glad though that she lets me still see him.
I really wanted to tell Grandpa about me and Gary but I felt too embarrassed. I guess that is the reason why I didn't tell him about me liking diapers too. In fact I was wearing one while Grandpa was telling me his story and I am glad I was because I would have never been able to hold my pee that long. I really love my grandpa and I know he really loves me.
Right before I had to go to bed, Mom got a call from the nursing home and they told her Grandpa Josh died this evening. Both me and Mom cried together for a long time. Mom then helped me get ready for bed for the first time since I was little. The diapers I wear are called GoodNites and I can put them on myself, but because Mom wanted to help, I let her pull them on me. After she tucked me she gave me 15 minutes to write my journal entry.
You know there is one thing that is still bothering me. How could the person who saved Grandpa be his grandson?
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August 28th, 1999
Today was 13th birthday and I am now a teenager.
Woo-hoo!!!
I got a new bike and some clothes and other stuff.
When Mom gave me Grandpa's gift I was truly surprised. She explained that he had left it to her the night he died to give me on my birthday. She then told me that it was Grandpa's wish that I opened the gift in privacy and that I keep its contents to myself. I was a little confused but I gave Mom and Dad a kiss and excused myself so that I could open my present in my room.
I first looked at the card and it had the normal stuff about wishing me a happy birthday. But there was some other stuff as well. For instance I was shocked when Grandpa knew I was gay and liked to wear my GoodNites whenever I could. He told me that even though I was attracted to my friend that it didn't mean I was gay. He also apologized for not being able to be there for my 13th birthday but that he was now with Grandma and his family and friends. He concluded it with he would see me again someday when it was my time to come home. When that day came, he would be there waiting for me with open arms.
I then opened the gift and at first I was confused. Inside the box was a set of keys and a very expensive looking engraved pipe. It wasn't something you would normally give a kid and I was confused.
Inside the box there were two more things. One was an envelope with `Do not open until 18' on it. The other was a small note that just said, "one day this will all make sense."
Mom and Dad never asked me what Grandpa's gift was and I never volunteered what it was. I kept everything in the same box that Grandpa had put my gift in. I put that box up on my top shelf in my closet.
Later that day I talked to my boyfriend about how my grandpa knew about us. His gift to me by the way was the best kiss!
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September 3rd, 2004
Well I am heading off to college tomorrow. I can't believe I got in to Harvard. I was surprised when Mom told me that Grandpa Josh went there too. I had completely forgotten that he told me that he went there. The hardest thing about all of this though, is leaving my boyfriend Gary. As I head to the east coast, he will be heading to the west. Even though it was hard to do, we separated as we knew it would be hard to maintain a long distance relationship.
Oh Well, there will be lots of good looking guys at school, I am sure.
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April 20th, 2005
I guess grandpa was right. Even though I had dated a few guys I never felt in love with any of them, and they didn't turn me on like Gary did.
Tonight though, I met this amazing girl while walking back towards the dorms. I don't know why but I felt compelled to talk to her. I asked her out for coffee and we talked for hours. I never thought I would feel the way I feel now for a woman. Get this, her name is Jane. Boy Mom would love this girl!
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October 20th, 2005
Today is mine and Jane's 6th month anniversary from the day we met. I am not sure why but this date is important to Jane. I would do anything for her though; even die for her if I have to. I love her more than anything in life.
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September 5th, 2006
I proposed to Jane tonight. She made me the happiest man in the world when she said yes. It turns out that she wants to have a May wedding so we are planning on getting married on May 10th of 2007. Even though we are not yet married, we decided it would be cheaper if we got a place together.
When I called home and told Mom and Dad the news, they were thrilled.
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September 30th, 2006
Mom called me tonight. She was going through my room and packing up my stuff to send to me. Jane and I had recently got an apartment off campus and I asked them if they would send me my things.
Well while packing up the stuff in the closet, the box with Grandpa's gift to me was found. She said she would have just packed it but as she picked it up she dropped it all and the pipe fell out. She said that she didn't mean to snoop but the pipe worried her somewhat. Once she realized it was Grandpa's gift she stopped snooping but wanted me to know that she had. I guess she was feeling guilty. To be honest I had forgotten all about it being there all these years.
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October 22nd, 2006
I got my stuff today and as I was going through it, I finally found what I was looking for. It was the gift that Grandpa gave me.
Once again I held the sealed envelope in my hand and read what was on it. `Do not open until 18'.
Well I guess I was late on that one as I was now 20 years old.
Once I tore open the envelope I was amazed. What I had in my hand was the complete story that he had told me when I was 12. I had forgotten a lot of it but re-reading it, everything came back to me and it was then that I realized three things. The pipe that Grandpa left me was the one from his nightmares. The second thing was that after re-reading the story I remembered what Grandpa's savior said to him. `Grandpa Josh'. Well I was Grandpa Josh's only Grandson and I now owned the pipe that the Grandson would have. I also had the third thing and I had it with me before Grandpa even seen it, and that was a small half-moon scar on my forearm that I got in an accident when I was 12 years old.
Then I remembered something else. If I were to do this, I would be committing myself to a death sentence. Could I really do this to Jane? I am now rethinking the whole marriage thing.
On the last page I finally learned what the key was, it was the key to grandpa's house that I found out was left to me. It also told me where in the house I could find all of my grandfather's research and also where the time machine he had built was at.
The very last thing on the page I found cruel but after reading what he had to say, I understood. In order for the events to play out as they do, Grandpa has ordered me to never reveal that Jacob lived. I am to tell the 12 him that everyone he knew on Titanic was dead. Of course he stated in the letter that was if I decided to even travel in time at all. It was my decision.
I will have to give this some thought.
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November 20th, 2006
I have been thinking about this now for almost a month and made a decision. I am going to break off my engagement to Jane and move in to Grandpa's old house in Dayton OH. This is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I know it is going to break my beloved's heart but I need her to hate me so that it will not hurt her when I disappear.
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November 21st, 2006
Today I broke off our engagement and ended up having a huge fight with Jane. It was for the best and like I hope, she hates my guts. I though am hurting more than I ever have. I decided to let my parents know that we broke up and even though they couldn't understand why they decided not to press me for a reason.
If I thought that was bad they were really upset when I told them I was dropping out of school. Again they didn't press me any further. I told Jane that I would be out of here by next week.
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January 1st, 2007
Well it's a new year, Happy New Year!
For the last couple months I have been going through my grandfather's notes while trying to teach myself physics. Even though I think I understand what my grandpa is saying I still am at a lost.
Tomorrow I am going to start looking for a tutor, someone with a Doctorate in physics. Someone that could also be my assistant.
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August 28th, 2011
I can't believe it, Ronnie and I think we might have figured out why Grandpa's time machine didn't work right. We think we can actually fix it.
Ronnie who has stuck with me since 2007 and taught me how to be a physicist told me that I should get an honorary degree for my work on the time machine. Of course we can't present anything yet until we can make it work.
We are going to party, I actually almost forgot it was my 25th birthday and only remembered when my parents called to wish me a happy birthday.
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February 15th, 2012
We did it! We haven't tested it yet but I am sure the time machine works. I told Ronnie that I have some business to attend to and will be gone until the end of April. We agreed to test it then.
I did indeed have some business to take care of. I had recently thought of my lovely Jane and couldn't help wondering what she ended up doing with her life. I ended up hiring an investigator who located her in Tampa Florida. He then gave me his report which included all the information he found out about her.
When I read the report, I almost decided right there and then, to bag the whole idea of my trip through time. Then I realized if I didn't make that trip, my grandpa would have never lived and I would not have been born. If I wasn't born, I would have never met and fell in love with my beautiful Jane. I knew that if I do this a piece of me would live on. I was happy to know Jane was very happily married and had a good life.
I have decided to use the time machine on April 15th of this year. It would be fitting I figured as it would be the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. Now with the departure time quickly approaching, I wanted to go to Florida and get one last look. It would be from a distance only as I did not want to disturb her.
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April 15th, 2012
This will be my last Journal entry as I will be dead before sunup.
I watched a special today on TV that dealt with the sinking of the Titanic. Today is the 100th anniversary of when she sunk, so Titanic was prevalent in the news.
I just got back home late last night. After my trip to Florida I decided to fly out to Denver where my parents currently lived. I spent almost all of these last two months with them, which they found odd. I explained that Ronnie and I had a breakthrough on the project we were working on. I decided it was time for a needed vacation. I never did tell them what the project was. I will fix that though with a letter that I wrote to them and put in the mail today. I told them everything. I even told them that I had a Will drawn up and why.
My last Will and Testament leaves everything I have to a one, Josh Canyon. My last name is Canyon and in the report by the investigator he confirmed that Josh was indeed my son. He is only 4 so it will be kept for him in a trust until he is 18. His mother will get a letter that explains everything and when I say everything I mean everything. I also thanked her for giving our son my grandpa's name. I put this letter into the mail along with my letter to my parents.
While visiting my parent's, I wrote a long letter to my son, with orders to have it given to him on his 18th birthday. It was my hope that he could in a way, get to know his dad through this letter of my life. I also decided to give him the story of Titanic that my grandpa, his name sake told me. I hope that he finds some meaning from it to explain why I had to go back. I had to do it for him because if I didn't he would have never existed. Now some would start talking paradoxes and say that if my grandpa had died on the ship then I would have never been born to go back and save him in the first place. I tried to wrap my brain around that on several occasions but in the end I gave up trying to figure it out. I knew what I had to do, it did not matter how it became so.
Right before I started this entry I wrote Ronnie a letter. This was a hard one for me as I had to dissuade Ronnie from trying to create his own time machine. I lied my butt off, I told him that I tried to go ahead and test it and when I did it blew up. In fact I knew how to make it blow up and already rigged it to do so right after my departure. I told him that I have decided to move west to be closer to my parents. I even have already paid a caretaker to close up the house for me and to watch over it until my son reaches of age. He would be paid out of the trust and if anything were to happen to him or if he were to quit, the trust was set up to hire another caretaker. I used a well-known law firm to handle the trust for me.
I think now I will end this Journal. It is my hope that after my son reads the letter I wrote him, that he will travel here to OH and find my Journals I wrote over the years. I left him the location of where in the house he could find them.
Grandpa, tell Grandma, I am coming home tonight!
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This is a short article taken from the New York Times newspaper. The papers date is April 15th, 2052. It is the 150th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.
Today on the 150th Anniversary of the Titanic's sinking we honor Dr. Joshua Canyon the Great Grandson and name sake of Dr. Joshua Clemens Mitchel. It was thought for years that Joshua Clemens, age 12, had died aboard the Titanic along with his parents and sister. By miracle Joshua survived and was later adopted by Mrs. Sarah Mitchel, who lost her own family during the sinking of Titanic.
Joshua went on to become a physicist who worked on several projects and also late in his life returned to his alma mater Harvard and became a physics teacher there. It was there that he met his second wife and had his only child, Jane Mitchel Canyon, mother of Daniel Canyon.
Joshua was a very secretive man when it came to one of his projects. Fear of ridicule led him to never reveal what that project was. The only person who knew was his grandson Daniel Canyon. And Daniel, Danny to those who knew him, disappeared in 2012, never to be heard from again. Well Danny pulled the same trick as his grandpa before him. Danny left the truth to his own son Joshua Canyon.
Joshua, or Josh as he likes to be called, followed in his great grandfather's steps. He was, at 17, accepted into Harvard and amazingly had already chosen physics even before he knew about his great grandpa or his own father. After learning about them and the secret project, he was even more eager to learn all he could in school.
In 2035, one year ahead of his program, Dr. Joshua Canyon graduated the top of his class. Josh didn't waste any time and immediately went to work on the secret project. This time though Josh brought in other colleagues and with the extra help he was able to perfect the Time Machine, which was the secret project. The Time Machine was introduced to the world today to honor both Josh's Great Grandpa and Father. It is hard to believe that there is now something that can allow people to travel back in time without harming the time line at all. It is hard for this reporter to understand the science behind it but when someone uses it to go back in time, they are encased in a bubble out of time that allows them to view but not interact with the past. To honor both his great grandpa and father, he has named the Time Machine `The Clemens Canyon Bridge'.
This reporter decided to snoop further and in doing so I found a story but after hearing it I have chosen not to write it. Instead I will take a moment to revel in the thought of `To Be Alive in Such an Age'!
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The End
Authors Note: I would like to take a moment now that I have actually finished this story. I started this story in 1999 and it has now been 13 years in the making. When I first started writing Titanic I was compelled to tell Josh's story. But then I went through some personal problems and Josh's story was forgotten. In 2004 I started talking to Danny, author of `Simon's Journal' and `Alvin Ever After'. Danny tried to encourage me to write again and I did write a couple chapters. Again I lost interest in the story, this time though it was because I lost my outline and my great idea of how I wanted to end the story. Danny over the years tried to get me to complete the story. About 2 years ago I went ahead and wrote a new outline with a new ending, but not happy enough with it I chose to put the story aside once again. In truth at this point I felt I would never complete this story. Then a couple months ago, Danny offered me a reason to once again work on Titanic. If it hadn't been for Danny's constant encouragement, Titanic would have never been completed. So I am dedicating Titanic to my friend Danny.
JD – September 12th, 2012