Disclaimer:
This story is intended for adult audiences. If you are not an adult 18+, 21 in some areas, please do not go on.
I have been writing for some years, but this is the first time that I have shared my writing with the public. If you e-mailed me before and I never got back with you or it bounced back, try again! I was being spammed big-time this week. Any encouragement would be well appreciated and replied to at virtualinsanity78@yahoo.com
This one is for all of those who have taken the time out to drop me an e-mail. When I am doing this kind of writing, the only response I have besides that of my own biased heart, is the one given by you. Knowing that you feel the way I do about Wade and Christian and my abilities as a writer, means so, so much to me. I read and re-read your e-mails. As I have said before, they motivate me to write faster!!!
Chapter Six
Wade wanted to beg. He felt the words come to his lips and linger there. He wanted to force Christian, his desires were so strong that he almost gave in to the urge. He could make Christian give in. He knew that he could. A touch, a lingering look, the feel of his tongue along the length of that tanned column of throat and Christian would not be capable of resisting.
Wade loosened his grip on the small of Christian's back, let his hands fall to his sides. He rested his head against the back of the chair, his eyes taking in the naked desire in Christian's. The look filled him with a surge of desire again and his dick swelled in his jeans. He watched as Christian felt it harden beneath him. Christian's eyes widened in shock and darkened with lust and something that looked alot like panic. Wade's fists clenched as he fought the aching need to touch Christian. Christian squirmed. Wade swallowed hard.
"If you don't want to, I understand," Wade said, his voice sounded gruff even to his own ears. "Just, please, sit completely still and stop looking at me like that." Christian stopped moving at once and his eyes locked with Wade's. Wade grinned.
"You are the sexiest thing I've ever seen," Wade told him, his voice gentling ever so slightly. Christian's face flushed red and he leaned forward letting his hair block Wade's full view of his face.
"I'm not," Christian mumbled, avoiding the naked look in Wade's eyes. It was the kind of look he had dreamt of, the look of total honesty and acceptance.
"I'm not going to argue with you about it," Wade said quietly. "I've never felt this way before, not even when we were twelve. You're incredible."
Christian kept his eyes away from Wade's and fought the warm feeling that was creeping up his chest. He trained his eyes on his wrist and forced himself to remember what his feelings for Wade had done to him.
"Just give me a minute, okay?" Christian said and slid off of Wade's lap. He immediately felt the difference, the lack of warmth, the absence of Wade's scent. His heart ached, his body screamed in protest. Wade's gray eyes were wide open and stuck on Christian. He could read the conflict of emotions on Christian's face.
"Give me a chance," Wade whispered and Christian closed his eyes. He wasn't strong enough to be standing there, staring his foremost fantasy in the face and backing away. Wade had never been more beautiful than he was in that moment, his eyes like smoke, his hair slightly mussed, his lips glistening. Christian turned away from the image, shook his head.
"Give me a minute, alright?" Christian said again and left the kitchen. He closed himself in the half-bathroom that his mom had decorated with a sunflower theme and turned on the overhead light. The harsh brightness was what he needed. He needed to look himself in the face.
He stared into his own blue eyes. He lifted his hands and placed them wrist up on the sink. He stared at the scars there. They were scars that would never fade away. They would always be there to remind him of how far off his thinking could be, of what allowing pure emotion to lead him could do to him. When he looked back at his reflection, he saw a younger image. Himself, at fifteen, and blood smeared all over the mirror, puddles of it on the sink.
"Chris, I'm coming in," Wade said from the other side of the door. Christian tensed as Wade pulled the door open and stepped into the tiny bathroom. Wade closed the door behind him, enclosing them in the cramped interior. Wade locked eyes with him, then looked down at his hands. He eyed the scars under the harsh light. Something went out of his eyes, a light or hope. Christian removed his hands from the sink belatedly, tucked them at his sides.
"I tried to kill myself," Christian explained quietly. Wade slumped back against the bathroom door. Wade watched him silently, taking in everything he hadn't been willing to see before. There were dark circles under Christian's eyes and a stiffness to his face that hadn't been there before. Christian was firm, but slender. Wade felt his insides squeeze unbearably.
"When?" Wade could barely get the word out. He watched Christian blink, move his hands awkwardly.
"Tenth grade," Christian told him.
"What the fuck - what happened?" Wade asked, his jaw clenching until his face was almost white. Christian ran a hand through his hair, ran his hands over his face nervously. He stared at Wade.
"I was stupid, Wade, it doesn't even matter," Christian told him.
"What happened?" Wade repeated more firmly. Christian sat down on the toilet, buried his face in his arms, barely keeping his emotions at bay.
"You started going out with Tiffany," Christian said, finally. "I heard some of the guys on the cross country team talking about it. They said that you were dating her. For some insane reason, I had got it in my head that you were staring at me in chemistry class. I thought you were gonna come back... you know, be my friend again. I built up all these stupid fantasies. I had all this shit in my head about how we were going to hook up or whatever. I was fucking delusional.
"Anyway, I heard them talking. I was standing on the track, just standing there, frozen. I couldn't believe you had a girlfriend. My mind wouldn't wrap around it. So, I just started walking. I left practice and walked across the parking lot and there you were...with her. You had your arms around her and your tongue down her throat. I don't know what went through my head. You looked so fucking straight, so right with her. Nobody would believe that you were gay. Nobody would ever think you had feelings for me. What was I thinking? We were never friends. It was all in my head. I was fucked up, Wade, crazy in the head. I couldn't put two words together.
"So, I came home. Mom was at work and I came into the house and I came in here."
"In here?" Wade asked. Christian looked up at him, saw the pain etched into his face, and nodded.
"Yeah," Christian whispered. "I came in here and I was staring at all these fucking sunflowers and they reminded me of her. I started talking to myself, to God, whoever. Why the fuck couldn't I be straight? Why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't I be her? Everything got screwed up in my head and I thought about it. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be breathing if it wasn't even gonna matter to you that I was here. How can it be fair that you...that you l-love somebody so much and they don't give a shit about you? I didn't want to live in a world like that anymore. So, I took a razor out of the cabinet and I slit my wrists, wide open, blood everywhere. I cut as deep as I could. I wanted to make sure that I died."
"Who found you?" Wade asked, his voice unrecognizable.
"Kiesh," Christian said, remembering. "I left practice and she had been on the field with the track team. She saw me. She waited for me to come back. When I didn't she got worried and came here looking for me. She found me in here with blood all over the place. She totally spazzed and started cussing me out. She stopped the bleeding and called an ambulance."
Christian stared at the tiled floor, a grin creeping over his face.
"My mom was there when I got to the hospital," he said with a laugh. "When I saw her I wished that I was dead. You should have seen the look on her face."
"It's not funny, Christian," Wade said and Christian looked up to see that Wade was completely wrecked. His gray eyes were terrible and his face was drowned with tears. Christian stared at him uncertainly.
"It was two years ago," Christian said, but Wade didn't even hear him anymore. He was reliving the story, imagining what would have happened if Christian had died two years ago in the very spot where he was sanding. Wade slid down the wall to the floor and buried his face in his arms, bawling quietly.
"I was looking at you," Wade said, through his tears. "In chemistry class, I was staring at you every single day. I was trying to memorize everything about you so that I could go home and lay on my bed and replay every little thing in my head. After football practice, I would spend hours having these conversations in my head with you. If Tiffany came over and wanted to make out, I would pretend that she was you. I would close my eyes and see you and everything would be okay for a minute."
Christian swallowed past the lump that was forming in his throat and stared at Wade, as he sat slumped there on the floor, his face sopping.
"Why - why'd you stop talking to me?" Christian asked. "If you felt that way about me why did you do that to me?"
"I was scared," Wade said. "I'm still scared. I thought I could cure it by staying away from you. I can't be gay. I...I never told you. When I was ten, I knew how I felt about you. I knew it and I was so scared. So, I went to my dad. You know how I feel about my dad. I knew he would tell me what to do. I told him everything. I told him about the squishy feeling in my stomach when you looked at me and the way I wanted to hold your hand, maybe kiss you. He was terrible. He told me that it was a phase, that I would get over it...and if I didn't, I would no longer be a part of the family."
Christian's eyes softened. Wade worshipped his father, tried to emulate him in everything that he did.
"Do you know what that can do to a ten-year-old mind?" Wade asked. "And every minute that I was with you made me know more and more that it wasn't a phase, that I would never get over it. I thought I could leave you alone and the feelings would go away, but they didn't. I just wanted to be normal. If you had died, killed yourself, I would have lost it. I wouldn't have been able to make it. I would have come after you."
Christian slid onto the floor with Wade, wrapped his arms around Wade's waist and tucked himself as close as he could get.
"Fuck your father," Christian whispered in Wade's ear. "Fuck him and anybody else who thinks this is wrong, Wade. We are normal."
Christian paced back and forth in front of Lakiesha's locker. She was ten mintues late for the fourth time that week and he knew where she was, waiting outside of the boys' locker room for Reggie to come out of football practice. He was going to have to rethink this best-friend-with-a-devoted-boyfriend thing over again.
When she finally came bouncing down the hall, Reggie was on hard on her heels, with a big, goofy grin on his face. It was ridiculous how happy they were in the space of only a week and a half. Lakiesha was grinning from ear to ear.
"Hey, blondie," she called and launched herself into Christian's arms. He gave her a tight squeeze. "Sorry, I'm late. Reggie had to try to do 110 pound reps. He's an idiot. What's going on?"
"I have to talk to you...in private," Christian said, giving Reggie an apologetic look. Reggie's smile turned down at the corners.
"Anything you can tell her, you can tell me," Reggie's deep voice informed Christian.
Christian whirled on him and gave him a quelling look. "Hello, she's my best friend," he told Reggie. "I'm the one that hooked you up."
"And I took it from there," Reggie countered.
"Without me, you would not have had a chance with her," Christian reminded him. "You were too scared to even speak to her."
"Testosterone," Kiesha said with a laugh and stood between them. "There's enough woman here for the both of you. Relax." She giggled contagiously.
"If it's something about you being gay, then you can talk about it in front of me," Reggie said, astounding both of them into silence. "I figured that out a long time ago."
"Good for you," Lakiesha said sarcastically, when she recovered from the initial shock.
"So, you are?" Reggie asked and Christian grinned.
"I thought you had it figured out already, Reg?" he asked and the tops of Reggie's ears flushed red.
"I was trying to play it cool," Reggie admitted. "Come on, Christian. Don't make me go home and sulk half the day away until you're done."
"I don't know," Christian said mischieveously. "Can you handle talk of hardcore anal sex? Hot male on male action?" Reggie's face was blood red.
"That's fucking sick," Reggie mumbled.
"No, you didn't," Lakiesha exclaimed. "That's it. No more pussy until you let me stick a dildo up your ass." Reggie's face fell and Christian could barely hold back his laughter. Lakiesha had the craziest sense of humor and he loved her for it.
"Cut him some slack, Kiesh," Christian played along. Lakiesha whirled on Reggie, placed her hand on his crotch.
"Look at him, he's getting hard," she exclaimed and Reggie paled visibly. "All this talk of hot male on male action and anal lubrication has him turned on."
"I-it sounds good when you say it," Reggie stuttered and Christian and Lakiesha roared with laughter. After awhile, Reggie joined in.
"Lesson number one," Lakiesha said to Reggie when they were done laughing. "Any and all derogatory comments towards gays - including gay sex - will be immediately punishable by imminent humiliation. So, lose the cocky hetero-male attitude and you might be able to hang out with us."
Lakiesha hooked her arm through Christian's and they walked away from Reggie. She tossed Reggie a wink over her shoulder to soften him up. He stared after them for a moment, then began to smile. Then, he had a sudden thought and frowned.
"Hey, were you serious?" he called after them. "About the dildo?"
"So you just went against my advice?" Lakiesha asked Christian, a little later, leaning against his car in the school parking lot.
"I think it will work out this time," Christian told her. "I love him and I know that he cares about me. I told him about slitting my wrists and everything."
"What did he say?" she wanted to know.
"He cried," Christian said, a little triumphantly. "He said if I died he would have come after me."
"You two are fucking wierdos," she exclaimed. "A real Romeo and Juliet story. I wouldn't kill myself for anybody. There's not that much love in the world." She leaned back further, stared up at Christian.
"Babe, are you sure about this?" she asked, seriously and Christian nodded. She reached up and took his chin in her hand. "Then, fine, but I get to lay down the ground rules."
"Oh shit," he said with a grin. "What are they?"
She smiled. "No fucking in the ass for at least another month," she said and Christian laughed.
"Is that all, mommy dearest?" he asked.
"No," she said. "Guard your heart. If something goes wrong, you're the most important thing and you have to look out for you."
"You're the best friend I could have asked for," Christian told her.
"I know," she said.
****************************************************************************** What can I say? It's Friday and the weekend is on its way. Give me a couple days and I'll be on fire again. As always, I love the e-mail so please write virtualinsanity78@yahoo.com