This story is intended for adult audiences. If you are not an adult 18+, 21 in some places, please do not go on.
I have been writing for some years, but this is the first time I have shared my writing with the public. The copyright belongs solely to me. You can read it here on Nifty, print out a copy for yourself or a friend, but anything else you have to ask me - virtualinsanity78@yahoo.com
I know, it's been awhile, but I'm back. Shorter than usual, but I decided not to keep you waiting any longer. You might want to re-read the last installment :)
Three days. It had been three whole days since Christian had thrown him out of the house for beating the crap out of Mannie and Wade still couldn't seem to convince Christian that it had all been a stupid mistake.
Wade shoved his books into his locker and slammed it shut. He was angry and frustrated and he missed Christian like hell. He was walking down towards the gym to find Jon when he felt arms wrap around him. He closed his eyes and dreamt a quick dream that it was Christian, taking him back in, but he knew that it wasn't. It was Tiffany. Her perfume was distinctive and he could feel her boobs pressed against his back. He turned around to face her, somehow able to manage a smile.
"Hey, hon," he said with as much warmth as he could muster and wrapped his arms around her in a quick embrace.
"I haven't seen you in forever," she said with a cute, little pout and Wade grinned down at her, pressing his lips against hers.
"I know," he said. "The football season's a killer."
"I can't wait until its over," she declared and then hooked her arm through his. "You headed to the gym?"
"Yep," he told her. "Wish you could come with me."
She smiled prettily up at him, then wrapped her arms around his neck and pierced him with her bright blue eyes.
"You and me. Saturday night. Promise," she demanded gently. Wade nodded, letting his thoughts of Christian turn to ash. At his acquiesence, her smile widened and she pressed a lingering kiss on his lips before turning away from him.
Wade watched the gently sway of her hips as she walked away, feeling guilty as hell. When she rounded a corner and waved goodbye, he turned back in the direction of the gym. It was only then that he spotted the familiar length of Christian's long frame, tucked against a corner in the hallway. Christian held his books against his chest, almost protectively and his eyes drilled into Wade with obvious hurt.
"Chris," Wade began and started toward Christian. Christian tensed, but didn't move away. When Wade was a few feet away, Christian held out a folded piece of paper to him, not looking him in the eye.
"Are you okay?" Wade asked, taking the letter gingerly.
"I'm fine," Christian said, but Wade could see that he was on the verge of tears.
"I've missed you so much," Wade said, with feeling, and Christian looked down.
"I'm sorry," Christian said. "I explained some stuff in the letter."
"Are you breaking up with me?" Wade asked, point blank, ignoring the thudding protest of his heart.
"No," Christian said quickly. "I don't know. Maybe. Not really."
"Chris," Wade said, feeling panic course through his veins. "It's a yes or no question."
"Read the letter."
"This is so childish," Wade said, his jaw clenching and unclenching. "Either you are or you're not."
"I'm not," Christian said. "Just read the fucking letter. After you read it, after practice or whatever, call me. I'll be at home, but don't come over. Just call me. We need to talk. Not kiss or make out or go down on each other, just talk. So call."
Christian looked at him for a moment and Wade could read the desire on his face, the need that Christian felt to wrap his arms around Wade the way that Tiffany had done so easily only moments before and the knowledge that he couldn't.
And Christian turned and walked away. This time, Wade watched with a closer scrutiny, the lithe movement of Christian's long legs and slim hips as he walked away. Before Christian was even out of sight, Wade peeled open the letter.
Wade,
I'm sorry you walked in on Mannie kissing me, but I was NOT kissing him
back no matter what you think! Kiesha broke up with him, told him about
Reggie and he was real fucked up in the head about that. He apologized
like a million times. He had no idea about you and me except that I had a
crush on you for a long time.
How could you even think I would cheat on you, ever? You mean so much
to me, EVERYTHING! I can't believe you hit him like that. It was crazy,
Wade. I am so scared of losing you and everything that we have, but I am
going insane.
I can't be these two people. You know, the Christian you see at school who
is fucking nobody to you and then the Christian you love away from school.
I keep ducking and turning the other way every time I see you in the hall
because I don't wanna see that empty look in your eyes like when we are in
class together. It fucking HURTS so much, Wade, and I can't take that kind
of shit.
I'm sorry because I thought I could or I would never have started this back
up again. I love you like crazy, but I can't do this. I know that when I see
you with Tiffany again, I will be destroyed because every part of my heart
feels like it belongs to you.
So, I guess what I'm saying is all or nothing. Can you love me in front of
everybody? If not, if you're scared, tell me. It will hurt, but I need to do
this. It's better right now than when I am so deep in that I don't even know
who I am anymore. If I get to that point, I'm lost. Call me!
Love,
Chris
Wade stared at the letter for endless moments before balling it into his fist roughly. He felt tears prick the back of his eyes.
"Fuck!"
He stormed down the hall and into the gym locker room, his frustration amplified about twenty times. Jon was still there, sitting on a bench in his practice uniform. He looked up at Wade and shook his head.
"You look like shit," he said, smiling. Wade grimaced and threw the letter at him. Jon barely dodged being hit on the head with the thing. He picked it up and smoothed out the crinkled surface, scanning the contents of the letter quickly. When he was done, he whistled through his teeth and looked up at Wade, still standing in front of him, vibrating with some untamed emotion.
"What are you gonna do?" Jon asked and Wade's shoulder slumped.
"What do you think?" Wade asked.
"I guess you're gonna be openly gay now, huh?" Jon said and Wade simply stared at him, terrified.
Christian had chewed his thumbnail to the quick and he was pretending to watch cartoons when the telephone rang. He jumped and reached for it, slowly stopping himself from grabbing it on its first ring. After the second ring, he picked it up.
"Hello."
"Hi."
Silence. Christian cleared his throat.
"Did you read my letter?" he asked.
"Yeah."
Silence.
"I don't want to make you do anything," Christian said.
"But you will," Wade responded.
"It's not like that," Christian protested, then fell silent. He didn't know what to say, he couldn't assess Wade's mood.
"What's it like then?" Wade asked, sarcastic and bitter at having his choices taken away from him.
"Do what you want, Wade," Christian said, willing himself not to start bawling over the phone. His control over his emotions was tenuous.
"I want you," Wade said quietly. "You know that. You know I'll do anything as long as I get to have you. That's why you're doing this. Have you thought about what my father will say, Christian? Did you think about what they'll say about me at school? Do you care about what this is gonna do to me? I might not be able to play football anymore. Did you think about any of this before you came up with your ultimatum?"
The tears slid silently down Christian's face. He did what he could to suppress the sob that rose at the back of his throat.
"What was that?" Wade asked, his voice becoming ragged. "Are you crying? Are you? I should be the one whose fucking crying."
As his voice deteriorated, Christian slid the phone back on its receiver quietly and collapsed against the sofa, shaking. He covered his face with his arms and began to sob in earnest, ignoring the phone when it began to ring again.
He tried not to think, silently willing his heart to slow down, the unbearable pain to eek its way out of his chest. He had been so sure that writing the letter to Wade was the right thing to do. They loved each other. They should be able to be together like any other couple. It was the hiding that had hurt them so much in the past. It was hiding that had ruined five years of their lives, but now he wasn't so sure. What if he lost Wade completely? Would he be able to survive that kind of pain again?
There was a quick and hard pounding at the door. Christian sat silently, still as a mouse. The pounding renewed in quick bursts, then became incessant and rougher.
"Christian, I swear if you don't fucking let me in, I'll break this door down," Wade's voice came through the door, rough and unsteady. Christian sat up, debating as the pounding grew louder and more fierce. He hurried across the room and opened the door before it splintered.
Wade pushed his way in, slamming the door closed behind him and grabbing Christian in his arms. He pulled him close, squeezing him so tightly that Christian had to struggle to draw a breath.
"I'm sorry," Christian wheezed at him. "I'm so fucking sorry, Wade. I didn't mean it. I don't wanna lose you. I love you so much."
"Shut up," Wade said. "Shut up, you don't mean it. You're right. We shouldn't be hiding like this. Every time I kiss her, I want to kill myself. I feel like I am killing us. I'm such a fucking coward. I should be brave enough to do this on my own. You shouldn't have to issue ultimatums. I shouldn't drive you to that."
Christian let himself be held, then kissed gently as Wade pressed his lips against Christian's neck.
"I love you so much, Wade," Christian whispered.
"I'll tell her on Saturday," Wade said and kissed him, long and hard, reveling in the feel of their tongues playing. This was what mattered most, being in the arms of the man he loved more than anything, more than life itself.