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Last semester of college and I'm so excited. I just can't wait to graduate and get out of this place and start teaching at an elementary school.
As I and everyone in class are waiting for our professor to start the lecture, I look around and see a girl looking at me. She has black hair and beautiful blue eyes. I couldn't stop looking at her. She smiled at me, that's when I looked away. I'm such an ass I know I'm a lesbian, but I'm a closeted lesbian. Three reasons why I'm not out is, one, I'm an American Muslim and no I don't wear a scarf over my head. Nothing is wrong with wearing a scarf over the head it's just not me. Second, my parents will disown me because being gay in our religion is a no no. Third is that I'm an Arab. Did I already say that? Ugh!!
The next day I was looking for the girl, but I couldn't find her. While the professor was teaching, she walked in and apologized for being late. All the seats were taking except the one next to mine. She sits next to me. She sits so close to me that I can smell her perfume. She smells wonderful. I can tell she's looking at me, but I don't look at her. I'm one of those shy people who has to get to know people first.
"Hey", she says
"Um.hi" I say shyly,
"My name is Sarah.What's yours?
"Amani" I say nervously. Why am I being stupid, I can talk.? Why am I acting like I don't know how?
I look at her face for awhile. I couldn't stop staring at her eyes.
"What?.is there something on my face." she says covering her face.
"oh,.no sorry, you have beautiful eyes" I can't believe I just said that..okay I am official the stupidest person alive.
She laughs and says thanks. I turned to focus on the professor, but I couldn't because I was more focused on her and I know she's still looking at me.
Class went by slow. I wanted to get out of there and hide under my covers. An hour past, class was over finally. I was getting ready to leave when I heard her asking me if I wanted to get some coffee. Oh no, what should I tell her. I can't go.
"Actually I can't, I have to get home." I say without looking at her and I leave.
That night I couldn't concentrate with my school work because I kept on thinking about Sarah. So I gave up on my school work and went to bed. That night I dreamt about her.
The next day our professor cancelled class. Great what am I going to do now. I'll just go to the library to finish my school work that I didn't get to finish last night.
"Amani.Wait up," someone yells.
I turned to see it was Sarah. She has the biggest smile on her face and I returned that smile. I told her I was going to the library. She asked me if she can join me. I said sure. We walked to the library silently, but it wasn't awkward. She kept looking at me and smiling. I accidentally tripped and caught her hand, so I wouldn't fall on my face. When I caught her hand I felt something different. It was a nice feeling. I held her hand for a couple of seconds not even realizing that I'm still holding her hand. Then I let go quickly, and looked away. I didn't see her reaction.
We sat at a table and started to do our work. We did our work for an hour then she told me we needed to take a break. So we began to talk. We didn't get to finish because we kept on talking for hours. We talked about everything, family, music, movies, books. We had so much in common. She also, wanted to be a teacher, but she still has a couple more semesters to go. It felt like I knew her for years. We got to know each other. I looked at my watch. It was getting late.
"I have to go" I say getting ready to go.
" Let me take you home" she says touching my hand. I brush her hand off of mine. Pretending to scratch my arm. Okay, thanks I tell her. We got to my house. I was about to open the door when she pulled my arm to stop me. I froze. She touched my check with the palm of her hand. She moved towards me to kiss me, but I pulled away.
"What's wrong?" she asks, hurt
"I.um.just can't. Okay." I whispered.
"Okay" she sadly said.
I got out of the car without saying bye. I didn't look back but I heard her car leaving my street.
I don't know what to do. I knew that I hurt her because she wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss her too. If we start something I knew for a fact I was going to end it. I don't want to hurt her.
That night I got a text from her saying what happened I thought we had something.is there someone else is that why you didn't want to kiss me. I text back saying no. Then what is it she texts. I didn't want to tell her that I'm scared of being in a relationship because of my parents. I couldn't tell her anything. I ignored her. I'm a coward.
I didn't want to see her in class today, but I didn't have a choice. I saw her before she saw me. She looks sad. I just want to give her the biggest hug and tell her everything will be okay. I just can't. She saw me and gave me a small smile. I just looked away. When class was over she came to me and asked me if I wanted to go with her for a drive. I just nodded.
She drove in silence. I want to grab her and tell her I want her just like she wants me. She stopped at a playground that I used to go when I was a child.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Can you please get out of the car so we can just talk?" she asks desperately.
I got out and followed her to the swings. She has her eyes on me the whole time we were on the swings. She broke the silence.
"I just don't get you, I have feelings for you and you just pull away and I know you have these feeling too, so please don't ignore it."
I walk away and tell her I can't be in a relationship. She catches up to me.
"Why? Is it because you do not want to get hurt. I will never hurt you."
"No. I will hurt you," I say angrily.
"Why?" She asks sadly.
"You will not understand,"
"Amani, please tell me,"
"God.why do you want to be with me..from all people why me? Can you please leave me alone."
"No, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong."
I can't believe her. Why can't she leave and make this easier for both of us.
We stood there just staring at each other.
"Okay you want to know what the hell is wrong with me. I can't be with you because I'm scared. I'm scared of looking behind my back to see if anyone sees us together. I'm scared if my parents find out, they will disown me, I can't do that to you, to be in a relationship when someone will see us together. Are you glad now that I told you. You can do both of us a favor and just leave now."
"Amani, you can't do this to yourself. I am not going to leave. I really like you. The first time I saw you in class I wanted to get to know you. You were shy at first, but I got to know you. I felt something special. I can't let you go. I just can't."
She came towards me and took my hands and put it on her heart.
"You feel that, you make my heart beat fast." She says smiling.
She comes closer to me and kisses me softly on my lips. Her lips are so soft. I never kissed anyone before. She looks at me to see my reaction. I kiss her back. We kiss for awhile. She tells me she likes kissing me. I do too I tell her. I tell her I have to go. My parents will worry why I'm not home yet. She takes me home. I get home feeling like everything will be okay.
She calls me that night, and tells me she can't stop thinking about me. I tell her the same. She said she understands what I'm going through, about my parents and religion. She says we can take our time. I am so happy I can't stop smiling.