All rights reserved. Copyright held by the author. If you are underage or are offended by gay fiction, containing graphic sex and explicit language, please exit now.
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"AS I REMEMBER HIM"
A story by
Ritch Christopher
"And though I loved the boy for such a little while..."
Chapter Ten
Steve changed channels again on the TV set but found only more local news. Another fucking robbery and the cops, AGAIN, used their tasers even when they didn't know whether or not the suspect was armed. Another poor loser gone, and probably unnecessarily. In his mind, Steve began a tirade against all authority. Didn't they care at all about humanity? But what was that? A knock on Steve's door? He wasn't expecting a guest; it was nearly three hours before Chris was to arrive with his evening meal. So who the hell was this? At the first knock, Steve decided to ignore it. His cholesterol count was way out of whack for his AIDS condition and he sure as hell didn't want to buy any Girl Scout cookies. A second knock, louder than the first. After the third knock, Steve's curiosity got the better of him. He gave in and went to the door.
"Saint Peter? That had better be you at long last, because if it's not you, then whoever it is, go away. Whatever you're selling, I already have some or don't need it!"
There was a slight pause, then he heard the fourth knock.
"Oh, shit! Wrong guest! Lucifer? Lucifer? Beelzebub? Nick? Is that you knocking on my door? You must have the wrong address. Tyler Cummings, the drug dealer, lives two blocks over!"
Then Steve heard a bit of laughter coming through the door from the invader followed by. "Steve...?"
'Oh, fuck, old Nick does know where I live!' Steve said to himself, then called out to his visitor, "Who is it?"
"Can you open up?"
"Not until I see your badge and I.D.!"
"Steve, it's me, Andy...Andy Thompson..."
"Andy?"
"Yes..."
Steve opened his door no more than a crack and saw Andy standing there looking bedraggled in a dirty pair of khaki coveralls and cloth hospital slippers. "Jesus Christ! Did you escape from the state asylum?"
"Practically..."
"Well, come on in."
Andy entered.
"Where's Father Chris? Or did you come early to bring me the antidote for this evening's dinner? Dear God! How horrible you look! I swear I will never shop at The Gap again if that's what they sold you. Your outfit...it's not Metrosexual, more like EXtrosexual."
"I...these are the only clothes I could find to put on..."
"I didn't know that the Salvation Army had a sub-basement sale on."
"I...I stole them from a janitor's closet at the hospital."
"Whoa, little guy. You'd better sit down and tell me what happened from the start."
"You sure you've got the time and do you really want to hear...?"
"Hell, I'd miss 'Divorce Court' and 'Access Hollywood' both, just to learn how you wound up on my doorstep dressed as you are."
"You were the only person I could think of to come to...I had to go somewhere safe, some place where my parents couldn't find me."
"And you chose my place instead of running off to join the circus! Whoop-de-doo!"
"Steve...I...I tried to kill myself last night on my mom's sleeping pills."
"And since you didn't get the job done, you decided to come see me and take a handful of my pills? Is that it? God knows, I have dozens of bottles. I don't know what the fuck half of them are for or what they're supposed to do, but you're welcome to any or all of them if you're really serious about killing yourself. I don't think any of them will work though as I seem to have tried every combination possible and I'm still here..."
"No thanks."
"Good, that's probably the first sensible decision you've made all day. I should be the one attempting suicide, not you. But when a doctor announces your eminent death sentence to you, suddenly all you want to do is find some way to live a little bit longer. I'm dying from AIDS, so what's your reason for wanting to end your early life...you gotta new case of acne?"
Andy's emotions tuned up to cry. "Steve, I...I'm so tired of feeling lonely."
"Well, you certainly came to the right place. I've always wanted to hang a sign over my front door saying, 'Heartbreak Hotel'...'Abandon hope, all ye that enter here!"
"I...I'm serious, Steve."
"I'm sorry is I'm making light of your dilemma. It's just that I was where you are when I was about your age. I was lonely, too...have been, all my life."
"Yes, but I'd be willing to bet you weren't still a virgin when you were my age, were you?"
"A touch, I do confess it !! I'm afraid you've got me on that one. I thought the new thing among today's youth was to pledge celibacy until one gets married."
"What if you're never gonna get married? How long do you have to wait then?"
"I know that my past and my reputation are commonly known. You probably know more about me than I'll ever know about you, so pardon my being blunt if I state things you're probably already aware of. I'm gay. I'm a cocksucker. I sucked my first cock when I was twelve. Since then, I've probably had more dicks in my mouth than there are bricks in the Great Wall of China...and look where cocksucking got me!"
"Yeah, but what if you think you're gay and never even touched a...a penis other your own?"
"At least you don't have HIV or AIDS!"
"Maybe not, but I tried to die before you do..."
"Andy, have you ever taken a good look at yourself? I mean a GOOD look?"
"I hate what I see."
"Why, for Christ's sake? You're a good-looking young man and, since I used to be a size queen, I've noticed that big bulge in your jeans when you stop by in the evening with my food. Without first-hand knowledge, I'd say you have a pretty good-sized dick swinging between your legs. Don't try to convince me that some other gay young man your age hasn't noticed it as I have."
"What am I supposed to do? Whip it out and walk down the hall at school advertising...?"
"Hell, no! The hidden cock is much sexier than the one which is displayed. You mean in all your life, you've never had a crush and did something about it?"
"I...I've had crushes, but I was always afraid to make the first move, so I shied away."
"Jesus! If I were still a high school senior and saw you coming down the hall, I'd shove you into the nearest bathroom and go to work on you good and proper!"
"You...you find me attractive?"
"I'm not dead yet, Andy. I find you attractive now, even in those god-awful clothes you're wearing. Look, I'd bet my front-row seat in hell that you are about the same size that Mark was. Why don't you go into his closet and find something else to put on? You'll find clean, folded underwear and fresh socks in his dresser and all kinds of jeans, shirts, and shoes in his closet."
"You think I should?"
"You're not afraid of wearing a dead guy's clothes, are you?"
"I don't think so..."
"Then go into his bedroom there and change! When you come back, you can sit down and tell me the long version of your overdose episode."
"You...you won't call anyone and tell them I'm here, will you?"
"If you want to hide, this is the best place I know. You don't want anyone to see you? Shit, no one comes here at all. Neither you nor I is breaking the law. I'm not harboring a fugitive, am I, or am I? I realize you stole those clothes you're wearing, but I defy any law officer to arrest you for stealing THOSE! God, they look like they're full of bugs or germs. Go take them off or I won't be able to eat a bite of that delicious garbage that Father Chris is supposed to bring me."
"Steve, I don't want Father Chris to know that I'm here. I...I'll hide in the bathroom or some place if I'm still here when he gets here."
"You're hiding from your parents and running from God at the same time? You must've had SOME reason for taking those pills. I can't wait to hear about it! No, I won't say a word to Father Chris or anyone else!"
"Thanks!"
Andy went into Mark's room to change clothes, leaving Steve alone with his curiosity ...and a longing feeling! Andy's virginity was totally safe here, dammit! That was just one more tragic consequence that comes with AIDS. Damn, if he weren't sick...what a 'catch' Andy would be! Steve was truly puzzled. If Andy was gay, as he claimed to be, why on God's earth couldn't he find a partner? Andy had everything going for him...good looks, intelligence, an ability to care for others...Who wouldn't want Andy for a lover? Steve suddenly found his eyes welling up with tears. His own loneliness had brought him to this low point, and yet he could still think of helping someone else?
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Sitting side by side at the church's kitchen table, Thad and Chris talked in low tones. Thad had been trying to learn what had caused Chris to lock himself in his little room, refusing admittance to them for so long when David came rushing toward them with a bottle in his hand.
"I found this whiskey in one of the cupboards over there, Thad!" David said.
"Father, let me pour you a shot!" Thad said to Chris.
"Thanks, Thad, I don't want a drink. I've got work to do..." Chris replied.
"Can't you at least give David and me a clue as to what's wrong with you? I've never seen you this way. You're always the solid rock I can depend on."
"Thad, I really can't talk about it..."
"Did someone die? Did you get bad news about Andy? Did something happen to Father 'D'? Come on, buddy, give us a hint..."
"Chris, is there anything Thad and I can do to help?", David inquired.
"I...I might need some help with the evening meal. The boys won't be by this afternoon..."
"Father, I know that Andy is missing, but what about the other two...Jeff and Tommy?" Thad asked.
"They...neither of them...will be able to help for a while," Chris replied.
"...and you expect to do all the cooking and delivering by yourself?"
"If it's gonna get done, I will."
"Then, for God's sake, let me and David help you tonight. We're both free for the evening and I'm not going to work anyway."
"That would be great if you would, but I can't really ask you two to..."
"Bullshit! I used to cook for my platoon in the marines. I'm an old hand at peeling, boiling, frying...you name it!"
"I cook for myself nearly every night at the dorm. I can help too," David added.
"All right, let me get my head together and we'll plan a menu. In the meantime, one of you could fill those large pots hanging above your head with water and get them boiling on the stove."
"Hell, let me at 'em. I'll fill 'em up and carry them while David does something else."
"Sure, where do you want me to start?" David asked.
"Can you make a big tossed salad...big enough for about one hundred people?"
"That's easy enough."
"There's heads of lettuce, tomatoes, and scallions in the fridge over there. The knives are in the drawer of that counter over by the sink."
David and Thad hurriedly began preparing the 'five loaves and two fishes' to feed the evening multitude. They were eyeing one another in between sneaking glances at Chris, trying to assess his demeanor, but all the while, each was dying of curiosity at what had upset Chris.
An hour later, the quick meal was prepared and ready for delivery. David and Thad were rightfully proud of their culinary accomplishment and Chris was almost stuttering, trying to express his gratitude to them for their help. As the three carried the food out to the big van, then piling into the front seat to start the evening run, Chris tried again to verbalize his thanks, saying "Thad, David, I don't know how to thank you..."
"Will you shut up and drive?" Thad said. "I don't want any of your clients dying from starvation while we sit and pat one another on the back."
"Chris?" David asked. "Are you gonna need help with breakfast in the morning?"
"Yes, but I can't..."
"Hush!" David said. "You CAN and you WILL. I'll be more than happy to help you."
Chris started the van and off they went toward the first delivery on the address list.
"Are you gonna tell us why Tommy and Jeff aren't helping you?"
"I...I can't," Chris replied.
"Father, I'd hate to have to stop this car and pistol-whip you like I would some drug dealer, but you're gonna force my hand if you don't tell David and me something!"
"All right. This is among friends...the three of us, not as priest and parishioners. Sorry, David, I know I'm not your priest, but...I'm afraid I've been accused of what so many other priests are being tried for."
"MOLESTATION?" Thad shouted. "That's a big load of horseshit! Who on God's lavender earth would ever accuse you of that?"
"THAT I can't tell you, but I've been given an instruction from Father 'D' not to let Tommy or Jeff help me until this matter has been cleared up."
"Chris," David spoke up quietly, yet surely, "this has something to do with Andy's disappearance, doesn't it?"
"I can't say answer that either."
"SO IT DOES HAVE TO DO WITH ANDY!" Thad said, loudly. "Did he accuse you of something and then run away and hide, leaving you to suffer the consequence?"
"No, no, nothing like that!"
"Then I'd like to know where the fuck Andy is?"
"No one knows. He still hasn't been seen or heard from since he vanished from the hospital."
"Father, I know damned well you'd never do anything to any kid, but how did Father 'D' get the idea that you had?"
"Thad, those are things I'm not at liberty to discuss."
"Look, Father, I'm a detective, remember? The more I know, the easier it's gonna be for me to find him and get to the bottom of this."
"OK, but you didn't hear this...ANY OF IT...from me! Andy's parents found his diary in which he had written descriptive passages about him and me doing all kinds of wild sexual things."
"Good God! I don't believe this!"
"Neither do I, but I read them. They were in Andy's own handwriting. He said things I could never even fantasize about, not even before I took my vows."
"Did he ever say anything like this to you personally?"
"Not before last night when I took him home after the evening run."
"What did he say?"
"Only that he might be in love with me."
"Jesus! What did you say?"
"Nothing. Well, I told him that it was impossible for anything to ever happen between us and he should pray about it and try to forget it."
"Then he went inside his house and overdosed? Is that what happened?"
"Apparently."
"That little bugger!"
"He told me how he felt and I...I spurned him with my rejection."
"Father, you didn't ever give him any reason to think there was something more between the two of you?"
"NO, never! Whatever he thought or whatever he believed was made up inside his head. I had no inkling he felt as he did."
"Father, I'm sure when he shows up...and he WILL show up...we can straighten all this out. I mean..."
"Thad, I just wish to God he WOULD show up, and soon. I'm very worried about him. I mean, he attempted suicide last night...and being all alone...wherever he is, who knows what he might do next?"
"Father, since we're talking as 'friends' and not on a professional basis, do you mind if I ask you something personal..."
"If it's not TOO personal, Thad."
"Suppose you weren't a priest, suppose you were an accountant or a computer technician. Would you find Andy attractive?"
"Perhaps..."
"I mean there's only seven or eight years difference in your ages. You told me once about your life before you became a priest. Hell, I'm gay and wish the whole world was...of course, the Republicans would have a fit since there would be no more abortions for them to scream and holler about. Do you think you could ever have fallen in love with an eighteen year old if things were under different circumstances?"
"I...I'm afraid I can't answer that Thad, since I no longer feel as I used to before I became a priest."
"But I'm saying if you WEREN'T a priest...then what?"
"I don't know...maybe."
"Then maybe Andy got the same idea in his head and received some kind of false vibe from you..."
"You mean you think that Andy thought that I was secretly interested in him?"
"It makes sense. Don't you think?"
"I guess so. Yes, probably."
"Then I'm gonna find him...if it takes me all night and I have to comb every square foot of Atlanta."
"I just pray to God that Andy's safe. That's all I care about."
The car arrived at the next meal stop and the three would-be 'wise men' got out of the van bearing their gifts of life to the helpless.
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After Andy had finished giving his blow-by-blow description of his last meeting with Chris, his suicide attempt, and his escape from the hospital, Steve sat looking at Andy in shock. "You actually told Father Chris that you loved him?"
"Stupid, wasn't it?" Andy replied
"It must've been. Why else would you have gone inside your house and took the whole bottle of your mom's sleeping pills?"
"I was a fucking idiot!"
"To say the least," Steve concurred. "Well I must say you have good taste when it comes to picking out a boyfriend...but Father Chris? Andy, it would have been easier if you had chosen Prince William or Osama bin Laden than to try to get a priest to return your love in kind."
"It's okay to fantasize, isn't it?"
"As long as your fantasy doesn't cross over into reality and affect the lives of others. Still, I admire your fortitude...Father Chris would make a mighty fine catch if he ever decided to turn his collar around."
"Steve, you won't say anything to anyone about what I told you?"
"Honey, my lips are sealed until I go to meet my maker...or his maker."
"Thanks."
"Andy, I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me what you did. It means a lot. It sorta makes an old queen feel important just one more time. From what you've said, you have a lot stored up, but no one to discuss it with. Are there any things you want to ask me about? When it comes to gay life, I guess I've 'been there/done that' on nearly every imaginable topic."
"I...I KNOW that I'm gay even if I've never had sex. Most guys at my high school have been getting blow jobs, usually from girls, since they were twelve years old. At my age, when I've done absolutely nothing, I'm almost too embarrassed to have sex since I feel I'm the only eighteen year old who hasn't experienced sex of any kind."
"Yeah, I was kinda shocked when I heard about twelve-year-old kids going to rainbow parties. Only a few years ago, most guys or girls never had sex until their wedding night...if you can believe that. But the kids in your generation have 'done it all' by the time they're sixteen. There's nothing to look forward to, except more of the same. My theory is that this is the reason for such an increase in bisexuality. The guys have fucked every open orifice in their girlfriends and have become disenchanted or disappointed with it. That's why they're willing to try sex with another guy...anything new or novel...something they know very little about. I stay home all day and watch 'Oprah' and 'Dr. Phil' and laugh out loud when these housewives come on the talk shows and express their horror at the fact that their husbands are cheating on them...with other men! It doesn't surprise me in the least."
"Steve? My first time? When and IF it happens?"
"Yes?"
"Can you give me a few tips?"
"Dozens! But the ONE that you should burn into your brain permanently is USE A CONDOM. When the HIV- and AIDS-scare first came on the scene, EVERYONE started using condoms and performing safe sex. Now kids or even adults think that the AIDS epidemic has vanished like polio did with the Salk vaccine. Take a look at me, Steve! Don't you think I want to live a long life? Do you think I look forward to dying when I should be planning the rest of my life, not my funeral?"
"Oh, God, I'm sorry you're sick, Steve."
"It's my own goddamned fault. I was old enough to have sex and should have been old enough to pay attention to the warnings about the repercussions of unsafe sex. Sex is beautiful. Making love is even MORE beautiful! But being careless just one time is all it took to end my happy life forever. Steve, promise me that when you have your first partner, you won't do anything until both of you prove that you know what you're about to do and that you both know the safe way of doing it. Will you do that for me?"
"Yes, Steve. I will. I promise.'
"Then all the rest I have to tell you is, if you're safe...if it feels good, no matter what, and if you and your partner agree to do it, then do it! But if it hurts and either your or your partner doesn't want to do something, then don't do it. Don't force yourself or him to do anything you or he doesn't want to do. Try not to just 'have sex'...Make love...long, drawn out love...enjoy every minute of it...make it last. That's the best advice I can give you."
"I know this is insane to even ask, but...about Father Chris? Should I just forget about that and write it off as a loss cause?"
"Seriously, I think you should talk to him about it. Who knows, he might need someone in his life as you do in yours...and his soul is tormented from wanting the same thing that you do...and THEN, if he still says 'no', then look elsewhere. Someone out there is looking for you, just as you are looking for him...and once you've found him...as the song says, 'build your world around him."
"Do you think I've got enough to offer anyone...enough for him to fall in love with me?"
"Steve, if I weren't sick, you'd be at the top of my list!"
"You...you mean that?"
"I'm too old, too sick, and too tired to begin lying at my age or in my condition."
"Steve...would you hold me?"
"You're not afraid?"
"Of what?"
"Of catching whatever the hell it is that I've got?"
"No..."
"Then, come here, little man. I need someone to hold. It's been so long..."
Andy rushed into Steve's arms and they held each other tightly. In one brief moment, Andy forgot all about his emotional pain and what he had gone through during the past night and day, letting all his anguish out in his tears. Steve, on the other hand, in a rush of emotional recall of how wonderful things used to be, cradled Andy tenderly and protectively in his arms as he eased the young man/s tortured pain.
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The evening-meal run had gone faster than usual, which was a bit amazing since Chris' new helpers, David and Thad, were first-time assistants. The last stop on the route was at Steve's, since Chris had made certain adjustments on the route inn order to make certain that tonight, Steve's would be the end of the line since the three of them wanted to spend a little extra time with Steve. Some of the earlier meal clients were not at home for various reasons...some were out, a couple had had to go unexpectedly to the hospital, so there were several uneaten plates of food. Chris thought it might be nice if he, David, and Thad took three of the undistributed meals and ate them with Steve since none of the three had eaten a bite of dinner and Steve undoubtedly could use a little company.
As soon as Steve and Andy heard Chris knock on Steve's door, Andy made a dash to Mark's old room and hid in the closet, as he was still on the lam, so to speak. When Steve learned that the three 'delivery boys' were going to join him for dinner, he was delighted and made some kind of sarcastic quip that the food must be safe and, for a change, edible if Chris, David, and Thad were going to eat the same poisoned, putrid cuisine as he. Steve did feel a bit guilty about eating when he only he knew that Andy was in the next room and was probably more hungry than any of the four of them.
"David, you had four calls from Brutus, Cassius, Judas, and Benedict Arnold, all in the guise of Randy Carpenter," Steve said.
"Randy tried to reach me here?"
"He didn't know where else to call."
"Did he give you any indication what he wanted?"
"No, because very frankly, I didn't want to talk with him any longer than necessary...the betraying cunt!"
"Steve, I had a long talk with Randy and I think you and a lot of Mark's friends aren't aware of what really happened to cause the two of them to split up."
"Oh, I'll bet he told you a whopper!"
"Wanna know the truth? I believed him, Steve."
"That's because you don't know him as well as the rest of us do."
"Did he leave a number for me to call him?"
"Yes, it's on that piece of toilet paper by the phone. Don't ask me about what might appear to be brown ink! That's all a message from Randy deserves...toilet tissue and a mysterious brown ink...my laser printer was on the fritz!"
"Could I use your phone to call him?"
"Sure! By the way, there's many things I'd like to call him as well."
David dialed the number of Randy's cell phone and was answered on the second ring.
"Hello?"
"Randy?"
"Oh, hi, David! I suppose you're at Steve's or just left there, otherwise you wouldn't have known that I was trying to reach you."
"What's up?"
"Well, apparently, Jenny got my number from her caller I.D. when you phoned her from here and then she, in turn, gave my number to some guy who's called nearly a dozen times, trying to reach you."
"Did he leave his name and phone number?"
"Yes. He was calling from Virginia and his name is Luke Sparks. Do you know him?"
"I...I used to. Luke was a friend of Mark's."
"I guess then that's why he's trying to get in touch with you."
"I suppose I'd better give him a call to see what's what..."
"David, have you got a place to sleep tonight? I mean, did you check into a hotel or are you gonna spend another night with Dirty Harry Callahan?"
"I haven't decided."
"Look, it's pretty late to be checking into a hotel. If you like, my spare bedroom with the deadbolt on the door is still vacant and it's much cheaper than any other place you might want to stay at."
"Can I call you later?"
"Sure..."
"On second thought, do you have plans for tomorrow morning?"
"No, why?"
"I mean like very EARLY tomorrow morning?"
"I might still be up jerking off thinking about you...very EARLY tomorrow. What do you have in mind?"
"Father Chris is short of help with his food delivery service. How would you feel about volunteering a bit of your time to help him?"
"Will you be there?"
"Sure. Thad and I worked the evening shift and Thad will probably go back to work tomorrow morning which leaves Chris one helper short, plus I'll need some transportation to get to the church."
"How early is 'early'?"
"Say, three...three-thirty A.M."
"Jesus Christ! I can write a second set of lyrics to 'What I Did For Love'! But, yeah, sure! I'll help. It might help to erase part of the bad image a lot of guys have about me."
"In that case, if your spare room is still available for me...with NO strings or NO expectations attached, it'll be better if I spend the night at your place and we can drive to meet Chris together in the morning."
"Do you want me to come get you now or will Thad or Father Chris bring you?"
"Yesterday, you picked me up at Thad's. Why don't you pick me up there about two hours from now."
"Mi limusina es su limosine," Randy replied with his best Ricky Ricardo imitation. "I'll meet you there."
"Thanks, Randy!"
Before hanging up, David wrote down Luke's number which he had gotten from Randy.
If such a thing as an 'emotion meter' existed, it would have popped its springs from the various concealed emotions, thoughts, and feelings going through the minds of Thad, Steve, and Chris as they listened to David's phone conversation with Randy...all trying to answer the same question with completely different reactions...'HOW COULD DAVID POSSIBLY WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER NIGHT WITH RANDY?" Was there something going on between David and Randy that had been kept from them? Was it the fact that Randy was rich and handsome? What was David's attraction to Randy over the other three? All were confused, anxious, somewhat rejected, hurt, angry, but mostly jealous.
David was unaware of how the others were reacting as he turned to ask Steve, "Is it all right if I make another call? It's long distance, but I'll put it on my credit card."
"You're...you're gonna call Luke in Virginia?"
"Yes."
"Then go ahead, what's one more to add to the competition?"
"Pardon?"
"Sorry, just a wry joke..." Steve replied as he, Steve, and Thad began to eat their dinner...but keeping one ear focused on the call David was about to make.
David dialed and waited three rings before Luke answered.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Luke?"
"David?"
"Yes...?"
"Thanks for returning my call."
"That's quite all right. I...I suppose I would have called you eventually, but I had no idea where you were. I...I haven't heard from you in a couple of years...not since..."
"Since the night your dad caught Mark and me in bed together?"
"Well...yes. How are you? I mean what are you doing? Are you going to school? Are you living at home? Are you working? Are you in good health?"
"Damn, man!" Luke laughed. "You expect me to answer all those questions at once or one at a time?"
"I'm sorry. It's just that there's so much I'd like to know."
"I suppose there is."
"Jenny told me that she broke the news to you about Mark..."
"Yes, she did, David, and I've cried a bucket of tears and my mind has been racing like a NASCAR 500 ever since."
"Jenny DID tell you not to say anything about Mark, didn't she? I still haven't told my mom and dad."
"Don't worry. I haven't spoken to your dad since that infamous night and I doubt seriously if I'll ever speak to him again...or at least I know he'll never want to speak to me again."
"I wish all that hadn't happened. I didn't learn about it until week's later when I came home from school only to learn that Mark had left home. Later I found out he had moved to Atlanta."
"I didn't know where he was either. We never saw one another again after that night...we never wrote or talked over the phone. It was as if we had vanished from one another's lives forever."
"I'm sorry, Luke."
"The reason I called...Is there going to be a funeral for Mark, either here or in Atlanta?"
"No funeral here or there. There's to be a small memorial service for Mark for a bunch of his friends down here."
"Do you think it would be all right if I came to Atlanta to attend the service?"
"I suppose so."
"I would love seeing you again and there's so much I'd like to talk about with you, concerning Mark."
"Y'know, I think I would like that, Luke. I'm learning things daily about my own brother that I never knew before. I'll bet there's many things that you know that could help put many pieces of the puzzle together."
"When is the service?"
"In a couple of days...final plans aren't made yet."
"Would it be all right if I flew down to Atlanta tomorrow? Is there some place I could meet you? I mean, if you're staying at a hotel. perhaps I can stay at the same one and we could have dinner and spend some time together. There's something very important I have to tell you about Mark, but I'd rather see you face-to-face when I say it."
"The phone number where you tried to reach me today belongs to a friend of Mark's..."
"You mean, Randy?"
"Yes."
"We're almost old friends by now, I called him so many times earlier today."
"Good. Call Randy's as soon as your plane gets in and we'll make plans then...about where to stay and so forth."
"I'll come down on the earliest flight I can get to Atlanta. Hopefully, I'll call you around noon."
"Fine, Luke! We'll talk then."
"I...I can't wait to see you again."
"Same here...Good night, Luke."
"Good night, David."
David hung up the phone and turned to look at the other three in the room. Steve, Thad, and Chris looked like frozen statues. Each had his fork halfway between his plate and his mouth...static...none of them were moving.
"Is anything wrong?" David asked.
"No, no," the three said, simultaneously.
Finally it was Steve who was brazen enough to ask, "Would it be rude if I ask just who Luke is...?"
"Not at all," David replied. "Luke was apparently Mark's first boyfriend."
"And he's coming to Atlanta tomorrow?"
"First flight in from Virginia..."
"Oh, my!" Steve said. "The plot thickens..."
Thad and Chris kept eating, remaining silent, while their minds raced even faster.
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Chris took Thad and David back to Thad's car which had been left in the parking lot at the church. Chris thanked them profusely for their help and for their words of comfort and encouragement concerning the dilemma which Andy has caused between Chris and Father 'D.' and Andy's parents. David told Chris that he and Randy would meet him at the church around 3:30AM to assist with the breakfast run.
One thing Chris had kept from Thad and David was something Steve had whispered into Chris' ear as Steve walked them to the van. Steve asked Chris if he could return to his apartment as soon as he dropped Thad and David at the church. Chris was puzzled at the secrecy, but felt that it must be important for Steve to make such a private request. Once Thad and David left to return to Thad's and then onward to Randy's, Chris got back into the van and headed back to Steve's.
Steve had returned to his apartment after the 'meal deliverers' had left, telling Andy that the coast was clear and it was safe to come out of Mark's old bedroom.
"You didn't say anything to anyone about me?" Andy asked Steve.
"I won't lie," Steve replied, "but, yes, I did. I asked Father Chris to come back here by himself."
"But why, Steve? You know I don't want to see him. I...I CAN'T SEE HIM!"
"Yes, you can, Andy. You must. It's not fair to keep your parents guessing about where you are. Chris is your best friend, your priest, your confidant, and the one you said you were in love with. There's no one better than him for you to talk with and try to get things back to some level of normalcy."
"Did you tell him I was hiding in Mark's room?"
"No, but I want you sitting here in the living room with me when he returns. If you like, I'll stay and you won't have to face him alone. I trust there's nothing more than what you told me earlier?"
"There's not...really."
"Then, it'll be old news to me and I won't be shocked by anything you say to Father Chris. I...I have an extra meal if you're hungry."
"I'm famished!"
"Then if you're not afraid of eating whatever it is that you serve nightly, there's a plateful of something under that cover on the coffee table. I'll get you a Coke from the fridge."
"Thanks, Steve."
"Sure...oh, do you want me to pray for you before you begin eating...in case you don't live through the entire meal?"
Andy laughed, and then realized that it was the first laugh that had passed his lips since before his talk toe Father Chris the day before. "No, I know what's in the food. I make it twice a day."
"So if everyone on your food route dies from the same meal, that makes you a serial killer!"
"Then if 'I' eat it, that'll be suicide! Jeez! Twice in one day!"
"Shut up and eat. Really, it might taste better if I poured it into a trough rather than a paper plate...SOOOOWEEEE!" Steve squealed as he went into the kitchen to get the Coke for Andy, who laughed once more at Steve's sarcastic remarks about the food.
Andy WAS hungry and he dived into the food. To him, it was manna and ambrosia rolled into one. He finished his plate and was wiping the dish with a piece of bread as Chris knocked on the door.
"Stay there, Andy." Steve ordered. "I'll get it and you be nice. Don't show any anger or embarrassment, no matter what. You're eighteen years old...old enough to vote and old enough to act like a man!" Steve said to Andy before turning and opening the door.
Chris entered, but came to a sudden halt when he saw Andy sitting on Steve's couch. Andy was looking down toward the floor until he forced himself to look Chris in the eye.
"Andy!" Chris exclaimed. "I...I don't want to know where you've been. I just thank God that you're all right! You are, aren't you?"
"Yes," Andy replied in noncommittal tone.
"Have you talked to your parents? I can only assume that they don't know that you're here with Steve..."
"No...and at the moment, I have no desire to talk to either of them."
"All right, if those are your wishes." Chris said. He paused and added, "Will you talk with me...?"
"I...I think I've said more to you than I ever should've."
"Could we talk, please?...just you and me...?"
"It's OK, Father," Steve interjected. "Andy's told me everything and I promised him I'd stay if he would talk with you."
"This might be rather awkward or embarrassing for both of us."
"Hell, I've got one foot in the grave already," Steve said. "Anything else that I hear, I'll take it with me when I slide the other foot down."
After a pause, Chris took a seat beside Andy." Andy, can I ask if what you said to me in the car last night is what prompted you to do what you did? Or was it my reaction to what you said?" Chris asked, earnestly.
"...A little of both, I guess," Andy replied.
"Andy, I'm so sorry. I had no idea that my...my rejection, I guess, would have such a devastating impact on you. I should have approached the situation differently."
"How? By saying that you loved me as much as I love you?"
"I might not have used those exact words, but I could have been more gentle in my reply."
"You didn't get it, did you, Father? It was the hardest thing I ever tried to do...to confess to someone that I was gay and in love with my own priest."
"I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but...it's quite natural for men AND women to build up an emotional feeling toward their priest or minister. Many people fall in love with their doctors. Students fall in love with their teachers. I won't lie. You're not the first who has said similar things to me."
"Did they try to commit suicide after you rejected them?"
"Well, no, I don't think any of them did."
"Then maybe they didn't love you as much as I do."
Chris was almost at a loss for words with Steve being present and he finally stood and said, "Steve, there are things I really need to speak to Andy about...things of a priest/parishioner nature. Could I talk to Andy in private for a few moments?"
"It's up to Andy. If he wants to talk with you privately, then I'll go to my bedroom until he wants me to return..." Steve said.
"It...It's okay, Steve," Andy said. "I WOULD like to talk with Father Chris alone, if you don't mind."
"I'll be in the next room if either of you needs me."
"Thanks, Steve."
Steve gave both of his guests a suspicious look before going into his bedroom. Then Chris sat down again, rejoining Andy on the couch where the two sat silently for nearly two minutes.
"I...I guess you hate me now," Andy finally said.
"No, Andy, there's only one thing you could do, only one thing, that would ever make me hate you. That is if you ever succeeded with what you tried to do last night...leaving your parents and me for good in that way."
"Would it matter that much to you?"
"Of course it would. It would hurt me just as it would hurt you if Jeff and Tommy tried to leave us as you tried."
"You...you feel nothing toward me, nothing more than you do Jeff and Tommy?"
Chris paused before replying, "Perhaps, I do."
"Now that I botched my suicide, I suppose you look at me like I'm some kind of sick kid."
"I don't, Andy. First of all, you're not a kid...and second, you aren't sick. You were just lashing out against the world, but mostly yourself after being hurt...the way I hurt you."
"I...I'm not stupid. I get better grades than Jeff and Tommy...but they are wise in other areas...things I know NOTHING about. They know how to love and what it feels like to be loved."
"And...you never have?"
"Never! Not once! No girlfriend! No boyfriend! I've never gone out on a date. I've never kissed anyone besides my parents when I was much younger. I...I've lied in my confessions to you. I've never told you about how many times a day I masturbate. I'm almost an addict."
"Since we're revealing secrets outside of the confessional. I...I suppose I had a similar sex drive when I was your age."
"How long ago was that?"
"Not long...maybe eight years or so..."
"Then I just don't understand how you could just quit!...Go cold turkey like when a person gives up cigarettes! How could you just STOP and take your priest's vows and just forget about sex?"
"Oh, you just can't forget about it instantly. It takes willpower and a lot of prayer."
"But don't you still get erections? How do you control them? Do priests masturbate?"
"The Church teaches us not to and as long as I am faithful, I don't."
"What about blue balls? You must get those a lot?"
"In seminary before we took our vows, we used to hide erection inhibitors in our food...Soldiers, as those in Iraq and other places, are often given the same kind of thing in their food to keep their sexual desires at bay."
"What about now? Do you still have to take pills or something or don't you get erections any more?"
"Andy, you sure get to the point quickly. You know that the blessed sacrament is encased in an area we designate as the holy of holies? You have just entered my personal sanctum of 'private of privates'"
"Well, do you or don't you?"
"What difference would it make whether I told you or not?"
"Well, last night it meant enough to make me want to kill myself. Father, don't you see? I just want to know everything about you."
"I was hoping that perhaps you wouldn't blame me for your action, but if I was in any way the cause, then I'll accept full responsibility to see that you don't try it again."
"Okay, so it wasn't your fault. There's no reason to make you feel guilty for the stupid ideas I've filled my head with."
"Andy, Steve said a moment ago that you told him everything about last night and today. Does anyone else know about the way you feel about me?"
"Gosh, no. I might be stupid but I'm not crazy."
"You didn't write anything down about your feelings...say, maybe in a diary?"
Andy's face turned white with shock when he heard the word, 'diary'. Chris had tried to find a way to bring up the subject of Andy's diary which was the incriminating evidence brought against him by Father 'D' and by Andy's parents. He had tried to find a way to finagle the topic into their discussion and failed, so he just mentioned it outright.
"You know about my diary?"
"Actually, yes, Andy."
"How?"
"I'm afraid that when your parents were looking for clues as to your whereabouts, they went into your room and they found your diary and read it."
"Oh, God, NO!"
"I'm sorry, but they did..."
"And they brought the diary to you?"
"Not exactly. It came to me in a roundabout way..."
"How 'roundabout'?"
"Unfortunately for both of us, they took the diary to Father 'D'..."
"Oh, now I wish I HAD killed myself."
"No, you don't!"
"And then Father 'D' let you see it?"
"He and your parents wanted to know if what you had written about the two of us was true."
"Oh, JESUS! NO! I...I made the whole thing up. You know that, don't you?"
"Of course I do...since I'm the one person besides yourself that knows nothing sexual ever happened between us."
"They HAVE to know that what I wrote was NOT what happened but, in my mind, what I WANTED to happen."
"Are you saying that you really wanted me in the way you described in the intimate passages?"
"I'm sorry, Father. I can't help the way I feel. Sure, I'd've risked going to hell just to be with you for one night and have you the way I've imagined."
"Sex is not something to risk eternity for. Sex shouldn't involve any kind of risk."
"Unless you're in love with a priest or if you're a priest who wants to be in love."
"Andy, I'm nearly ten years older than you. Why in heaven's name wouldn't you want someone closer to your own age?"
"When I'm with you, you're the only one who makes me feel that I'm a real person... that I matter. I even prayed to St. Jude, the saint of impossible things, asking him to make you love me."
"Wow, you're asking saints to urge me to have an affair with you? That must have frustrated the old boy, Andy. You did ask the impossible of him."
"I guess you look at me like a little kid wanting something for Christmas, something he can never have."
"Do you realize what would happen if you and I DID have an affair? If the Church found out...and it would...I'd be asked to resign or be reassigned as others who have been guilty of molestation."
"But I'm of legal age. It wouldn't be molestation if I gave my consent."
"Andy, even if the Church didn't find out. I'd know and God would know. I'd have to answer to Him."
"But what if God could see you, see how lonely you are? He would know how much we need each other..."
"You need me, but do I need you in my life...knowing what I would have to give up?"
"If you loved me the way I love you..."
"Then I wouldn't mind giving up my vocation?"
"Yes." Chris' silence seemed to be the answer Andy had dreaded hearing.
"Father, would it be best if I just ran away and got out of your life for good?"
"No, Andy, I don't want you to run away."
"You...you'd miss me?"
"Of course I would. I'd miss Jeff and Tommy if they ran away."
"Then, what you're actually saying is that I mean no more to you than Jeff or Tommy does?"
"No, I didn't mean to imply that...but there's still the matter of your diary. If you ran away without telling your mom and dad the truth, then I'd probably lose my priesthood anyway. The diary has stacked evidence against me if you don't clear up what's real and what you imagined."
"I...I'll go see Father 'D', first thing in the morning and then I'll tell my parents I made the whole thing up...on one condition..."
"Which is...?"
"Would you take me into your arms just once and let me know how if feels. It doesn't have to last more than a few seconds, but at least I'll have a memory of what it would be like..."
"Is this a form of blackmail?"
"I guess you could call it that..."
"Just one embrace and nothing more?"
"Nothing more."
"What if Steve should walk in and catch us? How would he ever believe otherwise?"
"We can go into Mark's room and close the door. Steve won't see anything and he'll never know..."
"Two nights ago, I held Thad in my arms when Alex died. I suppose it would be all right to hold you the same way if it will give you a bit of comfort. But remember, it's a friendly embrace and nothing else!"
"In your mind it'll be a friendly embrace, but let me make of it what I want it to be in my mind. I won't tell you. It'll be my secret."
"Very well."
Andy stood up and put out his hand for Chris to take. Chris accepted Andy's hand and Andy led him into Mark's bedroom and shut the door behind them.
"Can we keep the lights off?" Andy asked.
"If that's what you want..."
"It is."
The room had no windows and without the lights, it was pitch black, void of any light whatsoever. Andy was still holding Chris hand and the two were facing one another. The only sound to be heard was their breath. Andy took Chris hand and delicately placed it around his back, drawing Andy's body closer to Chris'. It was an automatic response for Chris to put his other hand behind Andy's back. Andy kept his hands by his side as he slowly moved toward Chris, letting Chris control the embrace. Then Andy took one more step forward and nuzzled his head on Chris left shoulder with his face touching Chris' neck. Chris could feel Andy's hot breath near his left ear lobe.
Suddenly in the blackness, all inhibitions were dropped and Chris pulled Andy into him tightly as Andy sighed and felt as if his body was meshing into Chris. Ever so slowly, Chris moved his face toward Andy's and Andy was aware of Chris' hot breath...then with a fragile motion, Chris placed his lips onto Andy's and a dam of gentle emotion broke soothingly between the two of them. It was like a slow pas de deux performed to an intrinsic Debussy opus playing quietly somewhere in the background.
It was Andy's first kiss and Chris' first since he became a priest, but there was nothing awkward or rushed about it...not even a slight touch of the tip of a tongue...just lips lightly touching and it seemed more than enough for each of the participants.
Finally, Chris broke the enchanted spell by asking, "Is that what you wanted?"
"Yes..." Andy replied.
"Was it enough to last you a lifetime without me?"
"I want to say 'no' but I'll say 'yes'," Andy whispered.
"Then I guess it's up to me to say otherwise," Chris said, puzzling Andy. "It wasn't enough for me..."
"What do you mean?"
"Only this..." Chris said quickly as he once again put his lips on Andy's, only this time, the kiss wasn't gentle. It was hard passion as Chris pressed harder and pried his tongue in between Andy's lips and began to explore uncharted territory where no other tongue had ever been, Andy was more than surprised at first, but soon he was fighting back with his own tongue with a vengeance. With the force of their emotions opened fully, four hands began traveling up and down each other's bodies, groping whenever possible. Nothing Andy had written in his diary could match what he was experiencing in his life for the first time.
Chris, on the other hand, was forced to admit to himself what he had missed since taking his vow of celibacy. Before that time, Chris had loved sex and intimate contact with a male partner. Priesthood be damned! This was what he longed for and this was who he was. Chris wasn't sure if it was Andy that had caused his suppressed desires to erupt or if it had been the way he had been eyeing David for three days. At the moment, it didn't matter to Chris. The physical urges he had denounced in himself had sprung forth and he realized that Andy was a more than willing partner.
A few minutes later found both of them completely undressed and lying on Mark's bed locked in various embraces and kisses. For the next half hour, Chris taught as much about male sex to Andy as he could...more than Andy could imagine. The rage continued until Andy was no longer a virgin orally or anally...as a top or a bottom.
After many orgasms, they stopped out of sheer exhaustion to rest and catch their breath. Andy was tired, sore, and filled with wondrous exhilaration. Chris felt more like a normal human male than he had in years. He felt no guilt or remorse. He had denied himself what he enjoyed most...the act of physical love-making and if it meant leaving the Church or changing careers, then so be it! Neither of them had said a word during the love session.
It was Andy who broke the silence.
"Father...?"
"Don't call me that. Call me Chris like you said I asked you to do in your diary."
"Chris...?"
"Yes."
"What does this mean...?"
"What does 'what' mean?"
"Does this mean that you do love me?"
"I...I don't know...but...maybe...Will you give me a little time to assess my feelings?"
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(To be continued in Chapter Eleven of "As I Remember Him").