Some people get misconceptions of me. They think I'm scum. They think I'm a cunt of the highest order. But I'm not. I like to think I'm misunderstood. Yeah, I've been a twat, but seriously- who hasn't? And you can't exactly lay the whole blame at my feet, I mean, yeah I take some responsibility for my percieved arsehole nature, but who could hardly blame me when my whole family make the guests on the Jeremy Kyle show look like virginal saints? So, I've slept around alot. Big deal? I'm 21 years old, I have a dick and my dick needs attention. So what if the person who I happen to get said attention from has a girlfriend, or is married, or god forbid is a Priest. I go where my dick wants me to, I don't particuarly care if the guy is married because at the end of the day, if he's gonna be shagging me, he obviously ain't getting no loving from elsewhere. It ain't my fault. I'm just doing my service, people should be praising me not fucking condeming me.
So let me introduce myself. My name is Jamie Knight and I'm unemployed. Not by choice but because no fucker wants to be employ me. Apparently having a petty criminal record is a major disadvantage in the world of employment. I even got rejected from McDonalds. Well fuck them, they don't know what they missing. I'm what you would call a Bisexual, but many others would call greedy. Some people don't believe that bisexuals exsist. Well I don't believe in God so whatever. I'm 80% gay though. I don't know why. I was never a fairy child, I liked football and sports and was popular at school. All the girls wanted to fuck me, and all the boys wanted to be me. I was Mr Stud at school, I'd be dating Monica Chapman by day, and fucking her older brother Scott up an alleyway at nighttime. I wasn't into playing with Barbie dolls and god forbid anyone dared put makeup on me, jesus christ, they wouldn't be alive to tell the story. My mum said she never saw it coming, but then again she never saw alot of things coming. I didnt' see it coming. One day I was tounging Sadie Morrison behind the school shed, and the next thing I'm getting sucked off by my P.E teacher in the shower. I spend most of my days with my boys, getting high and drunk and trying to look for employment. Well that's what I tell the jobcentre anyway, how the fuck they gonna find out anyway? Most of my friends are cool with the Bi thing, and those that aern't wouldn't dare say anything for fear of death by removal of cock.
I live at home with my mother Karen who is basically a drunken hot mess. She could be the sweetest woman one minute, but the minute she gets a vodka down her throat she's a completely different person. Mother Theresa by day, Katie Price by day. Only much more common then Katie, and more likely to steal your husband then Katie. My father is currently in prison. Yeah, prison. He killed a man. The wanker. He's serving 20 years, but he might be out soon. He might not. I don't care. The man's a tosser. He disowned me when he found out I was gay, so I paid him back by fucking his boss in his bed, recording it and sending it to everyone at his work. He punched me and kicked me out. I didn't cry. Then he went a stabbed a man in the pub because apparently he had been eyeing up my mother. Silly cunt. If only he knew that it wasn't the man he stabbed, but his boyfriend who had been fucking his wife. It would have sent him on a mindfuck. I have 2 sisters. Lindsay is a bitch and we don't talk about her. She's pregnant with her 3rd child and she's nearly 25. I don't really care about her. Her boyfriend's a stud though, and if he ever gets bored of pussy he's got my number. My other sister is Danielle, she's also a bitch but a bitch with a heart. She would never sleep with your boyfriend, but she might steal a 20 from your purse. She's not as big of a slag as me, Lindsay or her mother, but she's steal had her fair share of men. And women. Jesus, we really are a fucked up family. I have an older brother Graham who's sound as a pound. He has some really fit mates and he always gets the best weed. His married though and his wife is a total Christian bitch who says I'm sinning by sucking cock. Well fuck her, she doesn't know that her husband is fucking her younger sister AND his recepionist at work. I would aswell, she's a right uptight cunt. I also have a younger brother Darren who's going through a crisis at the moment. By crisis I mean, he's 14 and he doesn't know whether girls are still icky or not. Fuck that. By 14 I was drinking Vodka in the park and having threesomes. Like I said, my families a mess. But we all kinda like each other. I suppose. Family events are always funny. Someone always ends up puking, or being arrested, or cheating. Or all three if the parties a really good one.
But less about my family. As dysfuncatial as they are. I love them. I think.
Today's a shit day. I have no weed, my best mate Harley as fucked off for the day because his girlfriend is pregnant and his having a major freakout with his mother and everyone else is either at work, or still in bed. It's 10.30am and I'm gasping for some weed, or just a fucking cigarette. But I'm skint and my mother's hid her fags because apparently she's fed up with me stealing them. Like I ever would. Maybe I should look for some cock to suck, might cause a bit of time to kill. But looking through my phone, I get bored just looking at the names. Paul, his married. Shane, too small of a cock. It's all so boring. I decide to do the next best thing and wank. At least, I'm about too until my slut of a sister Danielle barges in and moans that I'm playing my music too loud. The bitch. Thats my erection gone and I can't be arsed to get it back.
I end up at my brother's flat. His pleased to see me, hoping that I have the tenner I owe him. I don't. But I tell him I'll steal it from mother later or something which he's cool with. We smoke some weed, he tells me his thinking off leaving his wife because she's pissing him off, but says he will really miss her blowjobs. Apparently uptight christian girls give the best blowjobs. Go figure. He leaves at 11 to go to work. Lucky bastard. I'd hate to work, but I need the money and quite frankly I need to do something with my life. I go into his room and have a look through his room. I find his porn under the bed which he has hidden from his wife. But it doesn't interest me. Asian Fanny Fun? What the fuck, and I find a stash of weed in his drawer. Score. I pocket that. He shouldn't leave it laying around, the fucker. I also find a wad of notes, but I don't steal them. I just take a 20 and hope he doesn't find out. I'm about to leave when the door opens and closes. Fuck, he's probably forgotten something. I seriously think about putting the weed down, but instead I just breeze out the room like I own the place. Yeah, I'm hard me. But it isn't Graham, it's his god awful wife. Ugh. I want to punch her and she hasn't even spoke.
"What are you doing here Jamie?" shes asks with a smile but I really know she is fuming and is planning my murder as she speaks.
"Fuck off" I polietly answer and leave the house, only to walk into a wall. Only, it's not a wall, it's just a well built guy. Who turns out to a police officer.
"Jamie Knight" the copper says and fuck I remember him. He was the first person to ever arrest me., back when I was 14. Apparently smashing Andy Robinson's window was a big mistake. But then so was Andy Robinson's wife accusing me of fucking her husband. Bitch. I only sucked him off, she needed to get her facts right. Only, he was a fat piece of shit back then.. and now, well he's massive but in a completely different way. Like, he doesn't do anything else except sit in the gym, flexing his muscles. He looks good "You have grown" he states, like a knob.
"And your no longer a fat wanker" I say, which in retrospect is probably not the wiset thing to say to a man of the law. "How you doing Phillip, or can I not call you that when your on duty?"
"Phillip is fine. You keeping out of trouble, boy?" he asks. Jesus. The way he says boy gets my cock from flacid to semi in a second. Jesus, I really should have had that wank earlier.
"I always keep out of trouble Phillip" I grin "I'm a very good boy"
"Good" he replies, still like a knob. But a fit knob. So he gets away with being boring.
I decide to up the anti. Phillip is a staight dude, but it always fun to mess around with them.
"Actually, I have some drugs in my pocket. You should totally frisk me" I flirt
Only, he's not freaked out like I thought he would be. Quite the opposite.
"That can be arranged. Only, You'd have to naked for me to do a proper frisk"
I'm lost for words for a monent, which is a fucking rarity for me, but then I reply back because obviously I'm too cool for school.
"Only if your naked whilst frisking me. Equal oppourtunies criminal, me, you see" I smirk and pull out a cigarette that I'd pinched from Darren earlier. I stick it my mouth. "You got a light, you'd only have to touch it and it'd light up, cos your hot as hell"
He smiles. "I don't smoke Jamie" he says casually "The only thing I smoke is cock".
Which is how I ended up sucking a police officer who was on duty in the back of his car.
Give me some feedback! I know there was no sex in this chapter, but it was just introducing things. Let me know how you like my story by emailing me at swaggerjagger90@mail.com!