If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. This is a fictional story that takes place in a world where everything is safe. In the real world where many things are not, the characters would take precautions. Please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe.
If you have read any of my previous stories you will know that I tend to be a romantic with a bent toward happy endings. This story starts out as a potential romance but is one that takes a wrong turn, or so it seems. And as for the ending, you'll just have to read on. The author retains all rights. No reproductions or links to other sites are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.
Chapter 14
All the way home from Syracuse I couldn't stop thinking about the all too brief conversation Carlos and I had had after his stunning admission that his feelings for me involved more than sex, fun and domination. He was obviously still grappling with his feelings and hadn't come to Syracuse prepared to talk about them. I on the other hand had realized quite some time earlier that I was falling in love with him but had pushed that idea to the back of my mind because I couldn't see how anything could come of it. Aside from telling him that I was thrilled by his news because I also felt strongly for him, I didn't know what else to say. Neither of us could envision a life with the other, especially given our starting point. We had spent more time just holding each other than talking, grateful that we'd shared our feelings, and parted determined to think about our lives and try to figure out a way to work things out together.
That was easier said than done. Anne again spent a good part of the trip on the phone which allowed me to think. For the first time I let myself try to think about a future with Carlos. Of course, that meant a future without Anne. My entire life I'd planned for the kind of life I had with her. It had been a given for me, a life that really didn't require much thought. College, marriage, a career with financial and social success. Anne had fit right in with that. While we didn't have specific plans for children we had both always assumed that would happen when the time was right. But a life with Carlos^Å That would be so totally different in every way. I couldn't even imagine it.
And how would I even begin? A divorce would certainly be the first step. How would others react to that? My parents, friends, coworkers? My parents' opinions mattered a lot to me. They had accepted Anne into the family, but she was definitely their daughter-in-law, not the daughter they never had and I knew they wouldn't be crushed if I decided my marriage to her wasn't working. As far as friends went, did I actually have any of my own, anyway? Since Anne was in charge of our social life she was the contact person who initiated our friendships. Only recently had I begun to think of Matt and Sara as my friends, and that was mainly because of our secret sexual relationship. My association with my coworkers was strictly business and while the right wife could help my career, a divorce wouldn't necessarily hurt it. So divorce wasn't out of the question there.
But while shedding Anne from my life wouldn't cause me problems, adding Carlos to it certainly would. No one who knew me even suspected I might be anything but heterosexual. A new partner who was male would definitely shake people up. One who was male, black and Puerto Rican would have quite an impact. Maybe my parents would understand and accept. I knew they'd try but I wasn't sure how well they'd succeed. I wasn't sure about Todd. He'd surprised me by being pretty accepting about the whole affair concept, but even he was convinced it was with a 'babe.' I wanted to believe that having a gay relationship wouldn't hurt me at work but if the affair was with a guy in the mailroom it might.
There was also Anne to think about. In spite of our differences and the way she'd gotten on my nerves recently, I was fond of her. She'd been a huge part of my life since college and we were partners. While our life wasn't my idea of perfection and wasn't exciting, it had been comfortable for the most part. It was what Anne wanted and to take it away from her would be cruel on my part. Of course staying with her for that reason would be wrong for both of us. But if I was going to tear her world apart, I had to be sure.
And none of that took into account how I would deal with all of that. In all my life I'd never given a moment's thought to coming out. Was I ready to do that, to tell the world I was gay, or bi at least? It was clear to me that I had a lot of thinking to do. So did Carlos. He had no problem being out. Apparently everyone in his life knew he was gay even though his family wasn't accepting. But at twenty-three he wasn't in any hurry to settle down. As he'd so often told me, he wanted to try everything in life. Falling in love just wasn't in his plans, at least not for a long time.
So our exchange of feelings in the hotel room Sunday morning ended not with any decisions about where to go next, but with the hope that somehow we'd figure it all out. In the meantime we would just go on the way we had, hoping some answers would come to us. For the next two weeks we did just that, keeping our Thursday afternoon schedule with only one change - after a drink or two at Rick's we went to a small hotel a few blocks away for our roll in the hay.
Most of the social engagements Anne and I had over that time were holiday parties, including a couple connected to my office, but toward the middle of December Anne told me about a Friday night gallery show in Soho we were going to.
"I'll ride into the city with Matt and Sara. You can meet us at the restaurant after work. Chaz will be joining us as well."
Oh well, at least I'd enjoy having Matt and Sara along.
"And what kind of show is this going to be? Something with a holiday theme?"
"Hardly. It's erotic photography. Some artist named Alan Anderson. I never heard of him."
"Erotic photography doesn't sound like your kind of thing, dear."
"Well, to be honest I have no idea how I got on the mailing list for it but Sara knew about it and said she'd heard he's good. Definitely art, not porn, but just as definitely erotic. I figure it will be a change of pace if nothing else."
After work on Friday I took the subway to West Fourth St. and walked to one of our favorite restaurants. Anne, Matt and Sara were already there. We were all having a drink when Chaz arrived. I usually didn't enjoy his company but together with Matt and Sara and with the help of a couple of drinks and good food it was a tolerable meal. We walked the eight blocks to the gallery through a cool, crisp December evening.
The gallery wasn't all that large. It was two adjoining storefronts, each with a front and rear room. There was no coatroom so we took off our coats and carried them over our arms. A scantily clad young woman greeted us and handed out programs. I folded mine and stuck it in my coat.
"That's the photographer over there. He'll be happy to answer any questions you might have." She pointed across the room to a tall slim blond man. I recognized him immediately as Spike, the photographer from the master-slave contest. I pulled the program out and looked at it. Sure enough, he was on the cover as Alan "Spike" Anderson. While the contest had been several months before and I was sure there was no way he'd remember me, much less recognize me in my business drag, I decided to stay as far from him as possible all evening.
As we began inching our way through the gallery, following the crowd, a waiter passed with a tray of champagne glasses and we helped ourselves. The outer walls as well as temporary partitions were covered with white panels that were maybe five feet by five feet. Each panel had nine photographs in a series. The pictures in the first room were mainly black and white nudes, some solos, some pairs or more. There were all kinds of subjects of every age, size, race and gender. He was a good photographer and while the subjects were all nude, I didn't find it especially erotic.
The next room had several series of pictures that looked like something out of a Victoria's Secret catalogue although the photography was better and the poses more provocative. Lots of sexy underwear and nightclothes, featuring both men and women. Considering where I'd met Spike, I was surprised that the scenes were almost entirely heterosexual. There were two female couples featured and one trio consisting of two men and a woman, but other than that it was all straight couples.
The third room contained pictures that were obviously meant to be erotic and many were. The poses were more provocative, the men were generally somewhat aroused and some of the women had looks of impending orgasm on their faces. There was also a lot more body contact in most of the series. But with what I had seen and experienced the past several months, I found it all quite tame. Matt and Sara enjoyed this room but Chaz and Anne seemed mildly offended by some photos and bored with others.
The exhibits in the last room were more like what I expected from Spike. The first series featured a dominatrix that reminded me of the S&M porn video I'd seen in college. There were others with strange outfits, one with cross-dressing, one with sex toys. No sex, but lots implied, and all kinky. Matt and Sara were closely examining each photo but Anne had a sour look on her face like she'd eaten something bad. Then we turned a corner and I saw the first picture in another series and my heart stopped.
It was Carlos, in his harness, chaps and codpiece, with me a step behind and to the side of him wearing only nipple rings and the pouch, my head slightly bowed and my hands behind my back. Carlos was holding the leash that was attached to my collar. There followed eight more pictures of us from the contest, each one worse than the one before. Me bent down in front of Carlos licking his boot, kneeling kissing his codpiece, behind him kissing his black ass, standing leaning in to him with my tongue touching his nipple. The last two were the worst because I was totally naked in them and he wasn't wearing the codpiece. There wasn't a picture of me sucking him or even the one with his dick head on my tongue, but a photo of his dick inches from my eyes, a look of hunger on my face, said it all.
Anne had gasped at the first picture and put her hand to her mouth, but continued down the line, inspecting each photo. When she got to the last one she turned to me with fire in her eyes. She brought her hand back and slapped my face so hard she nearly spun me around, then turned and stormed out of the room without a word. Chaz gave me a look of disgust and hurried after her.
I was too stunned to move. My brain was functioning, but barely. I knew that I had to go after her, that I had to explain. But what explanation could there be? There was no lie I could make up that would make those photos look innocent. At least nothing came to mind. I was screwed, plain and simple. Anne had found out everything and in the worst possible way and there was nothing I could do about it. But I had to try. I pulled myself together and started for the door, with Matt and Sara trailing behind. People were staring at me, wondering what they'd missed. To them Anne's slap had come out of the blue and then she'd run off without any kind of explanation.
When I got out onto the sidewalk I looked both ways but there was no sign of either Anne or Chaz. They only had about a minute head start but that was enough to disappear.
"Fuck! Where could she have gone?"
"Relax, Ryan." Matt put an arm around my shoulder. "She rode into the city with us so she doesn't have a car here. I'm guessing Chaz took her someplace where she could have a drink and calm down. Which is just what you should do right now."
"But I've got to talk to her!"
"Not tonight, you don't. I can't imagine that you could have anything to say that would make a difference right now anyhow. You can talk tomorrow after you've both had a chance to settle down. Now let's have that drink, shall we?"
We found a bar around the corner and sat at a table in the back. I ordered a strong Absolut and tonic while Sara asked for wine and Matt had a mineral water.
"So do you want to talk about it, Ryan?"
"No I don't, Matt. I'm sorry but I just can't right now."
"That's okay. But I think maybe you'd better come home with Sara and me tonight. Anne probably wouldn't let you in the house anyway."
"Thanks, Matt. I just can't think."
I sat in the backseat of their car and didn't say a word all the way home. Those pictures kept flashing through my head. I tried to think of something that would explain them to Anne, something innocent, but I didn't have Carlos' talent for lying. Maybe I could call him in the morning and see what he could come up with.
I tossed and turned most of the night, not getting much sleep. That last picture, the look in my eyes as I gazed at Carlos' cock, had shocked me. It shouldn't have because hunger was exactly what I felt for him, but I didn't realize it was so obvious. I wondered if I looked like that all of the time I was around him. Probably not or everyone at work would suspect something. Although Anne had taken an instant dislike to him and that might explain it. I dozed off and on as I wondered what I was going to do. By morning I had come up with a story to tell Anne and decided to try it out on Matt and Sara over breakfast.
Matt and Sara just made small talk and didn't pry as they fixed the meal but once we sat down to eat Matt asked me about the pictures.
"Even knowing about you and Carlos and having done all kinds of fun things with you, those pictures were quite a surprise, Ryan. How did they come about?"
I explained about the master-slave contest, trying to make it sound like a whimsical night out. They had to realize from the way Carlos had talked and directed me that he was more than a little dominating in our relationship but I didn't want them to know the full extent of it.
"I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with an explanation for Anne. I mean, nothing is going to make the pictures look innocent. They are what they are. But I think I have something that will make them look less like Carlos and I are having an affair, and a kinky one at that. I was thinking I could tell her that Spike is a friend of Carlos and one night after lots of drinking we agreed to model for him as a lark. I could say he dressed us up and told us how to pose. That would at least take the sexual aspect away from it."
"I don't know, sweetheart," Sara said. "You didn't look drunk in those pictures. In that last one you definitely looked sexually obsessed. And don't forget those nipple rings. You said Anne didn't know about the piercing."
"Yeah, that would have involved prior planning. Besides, that story doesn't mesh with what's in the program." Matt slid the program from the night before across the table to me. I hadn't even looked at mine.
I opened it and saw that for each series of pictures Spike had written a one or two sentence description. I scanned down the list to Exhibit 24, Carlos and His Slave. 'While this couple may have only placed third in the S&M contest I photographed, they definitely took the best pictures.'
"Fuck! There's no getting around that." I thought for a minute. "Maybe I can just tell Anne that the whole thing was done as a joke, maybe on a dare or something."
"She might buy that but she'd still be plenty pissed, and rightly so considering how humiliating that must have been for her." Matt shook his head. "I just can't believe you'd be so careless. First to allow pictures to be taken and authorize their release, but especially to let Anne go to that guy's show. It's almost like you subconsciously wanted to be found out."
"I never knew Spike's real name so I didn't know it was his show. And the limited release I signed would never have covered something like last night."
"Well, if he put up those pictures without your okay we can take legal action against him but that isn't going to help you with Anne."
"I'm just gonna have to call her and beg her forgiveness. Make it out to be an innocent but incredibly stupid bit of fun."
I went to the guest room and called home but got the answering machine. I left a sniveling, groveling message and then tried calling Anne's cell phone. I got her voice mail but didn't leave a message on that. Matt drove me to the train station to pick up my car and I headed home with much trepidation.
I was relieved to find Anne wasn't there. The light was blinking on the answering machine, of course. I decided to play back my message to see if it was appropriately contrite. I was surprised to find the only message was from Anne. She must have called in to retrieve mine. Her voice was icy.
"Ryan, I'm not in the mood to listen to any excuses. I can't even think about the horror of last night, much less talk about it. I need some time and don't want to see you right now. We were supposed to leave for my parents' on Thursday but I'm going early, probably Monday. You can forget about going. I want you to stay away from me and the house until then. We'll talk when I get back."
I breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn't have to confront her for a while. We'd planned on coming home a couple of days after Christmas but that was due to my job. She'd probably stay longer now which didn't help matters any but would give me some breathing room. Maybe she'd be less upset after she'd had time to calm down. Or maybe if she talked to her parents about it things would be ten times worse. At any rate, I had to make plans for the rest of the weekend.
I debated as to whether to call Matt. He would understand and take me in with no problem but I wasn't sure I wanted to have to talk about what had happened any more. The other option was Carlos. I really needed to talk to him but again, I just didn't want to think about it. Maybe if he'd had his own place I would have called, but with Jose at the apartment there was no point. The hotel where we'd spent the past couple of Thursdays was clean though shabby but I just couldn't imagine spending a couple of nights there. So in the end I tossed a few things for the weekend in a bag, put together an outfit to wear to work on Monday and drove to a motel near the train station, stopping at a liquor store for some vodka to anesthetize myself. I planned on spending the weekend in my room, drinking and feeling sorry for myself, but by two in the afternoon I'd had enough and called Carlos.
"Hey, babe, I didn't expect to hear from you over the weekend. Wassup?"
I told him about the scene at the gallery the night before.
"Fuck! Where are you now, man?"
"At a motel in Middletown."
"I'm coming down as soon as I can get on a train. I'll call you when I get to the station."
As soon as I got Carlos into the motel room we stripped and tumbled into bed. It wasn't so much that I was horny; I just desperately needed comforting. I would have been very happy to have just cuddled for hours on end but once our naked bodies were together we of course went much further than that. After nearly an hour of extremely physical sex I practically passed out. I awoke to the smell of a pizza that Carlos had had delivered to the room. We ate, cuddled for a while and then went back to sleep.
We were up early on Sunday, having slept ourselves out. I felt much better but still had no idea what I was going to do. Carlos suggested a workout at the gym so we spent a good part of the morning there, working off stress. Afterwards, we changed back at the motel and went to our favorite restaurant in Asbury Park for brunch. We'd both avoided talking about Anne and my problems up until then, but I was finally together enough to try to deal with it all.
"You know, it's funny, but right from the minute it happened at the gallery, my instinctive reaction was to try to come up with some kind of excuse to give Anne that would make the whole situation seem more innocent, to make it okay, to somehow get past it and go on like before. But as soon as I saw you yesterday, I realized that wasn't what I wanted. I don't like that I've hurt Anne, but given what is going on with us, something was bound to happen sooner or later. With all that I've learned about myself in the last six months, there was no real future in my marriage anyway. So now I have to deal with it."
"You're thinking about divorce?"
"Well, I don't know what Anne is thinking, but I can't see her forgiving me at this point. And why should I want to be forgiven? I shouldn't have cheated on her and I'm sorry I hurt her, but I don't want to go back to a monogamous life with her either. I'm going to offer her a divorce and see what she says."
Carlos didn't say anything for a minute and just toyed with his food. "I hope you're not doing this for me, Ry. I have very stronger feelings for you, maybe even love, though I'm not really sure what that feels like, but like I said in Syracuse, these feelings have taken me by surprise. I just don't know how to deal with them which is why I don't want you turning your whole life upside down for me."
"I know, Carlos. I don't want to put any pressure on you over this. It's something I have to deal with, something inside me, something between Anne and me. Sure, what you and I have experienced together and what I feel for you has changed me, but it's still my life that I have to figure out."
"I want to be there for you, babe, and to be honest I don't think I could handle it if you weren't in my life right now, but I'm just not ready to make a commitment."
"That's okay, I'm not asking for one just yet. I've reached a point where I know the kind of life I've had with Anne isn't what I want, so it isn't fair to me or her to go on like this." I smiled at him. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna ask you to marry me the minute the divorce is final. I think I'm gonna need some time to adjust to things, too."
"What we've got is really good, Ry, and I hope we can have more, but it's probably good for both of us to go slow."
The waiter cleared our plates and took our dessert orders, then brought us another round of drinks. He'd been good about leaving us alone, probably sensing the serious nature of our conversation.
"So, Ry," Carlos smiled, "how about taking me to see our pictures at the gallery this week? I'd really love to see them."
"Don't hold your breath. When I told Matt I hadn't signed a release for them to be shown he said he was going to call the gallery immediately and threaten them with a lawsuit. I'm sure they've taken them down by now. Of course, the damage is already done."
"I just can't believe that guy Spike or the gallery would have put them up based on those limited releases we each signed. They were pretty worthless."
"I know, I read it carefully. It sure wouldn't cover them for a public show like that."
"Spike said he was going to send me full releases in case we changed our minds but he never did. I would have just thrown them out anyway, 'cause neither one of us wanted those pictures to go public."
"Well, what's done is done, Carlos. I wasn't ready for it but maybe he did me a favor, making me face what I was going to have to in the near future anyway. Not that I think I'll ever feel like thanking him for it."
Carlos spent the night again on Sunday and took the train into the city with me in the morning. He had to swing by his place to get ready for work so I was in the office very early and had a lot of work done before the rest of the staff showed up. The way the weekend had started I wasn't even sure I'd be able to physically or mentally function by Monday, but the time spent with Carlos had made me feel like this was a fresh start, not a tragic ending.
Matt called just before lunch to see how I was doing. On Saturday I'd told him about Anne's phone message but that was the last time I'd talked to him.
"I've decided not to try to make excuses to Anne, not to try to make her think it was some bizarre fluke or joke. I'm not going to lie to her. When I do have a chance to talk to her I'm going to suggest a divorce."
Matt was silent for a few seconds. "So you think Carlos is the one?" he asked gently.
"Well, yes, I do, actually, but this is more about me finally realizing that Anne is not the one. With Anne I was trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do. That wasn't fair to either of us. Now it's time for me to do what I want to do, what's right for me. Time for me to be an honest man, however that turns out."
"Have you told Carlos about this?"
"Yes, he spent most of the weekend with me. We're both trying to take this one step at a time. So it looks like I'm going to need a lawyer. Are you any good at divorces?"
He laughed. "I've handled one or two. Hundred, that is. I think I can take care of you, buddy. And speaking of legal things, I called the gallery and reamed them out over not having authorization to exhibit your pictures. They insisted they have a copy of your signed release on file."
"That's the limited release I told you about. Private showings only. It's very specific."
"No, they said the one they have is a complete blanket release. No limitations or restrictions. The photographer has the original, which they saw, and they have a copy. They have one for you and one for Carlos."
"No way! I only signed the limited one and so did Carlos. We never even saw the other ones."
"Well, someone signed them for you then. We're going to have to get a look at them."
To be continued.