WRITINGS FROM THE PRISON by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2006 written on December 10th 1994 translated by the author English text kindly revised by Richard E. Grant
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"WRITINGS FROM THE PRISON" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
CHAPTER 7 - LORENZO'S WORRIES
Lorenzo called me that same evening. Paolo had come to bring me the receipts as usual and had just left when the phone rang.
"Alberto? Lorenzo speaking..."
"Ah... I'm happy you called..."
"It's late, sorry, but I cannot sleep, and..."
"Where are you?"
"In a phone box, downstairs at my place."
"How are you? Your flat, is everything alright?"
"Yes, sure. My friend also filled my fridge," he said, and was silent.
"Are you on line?" I asked after a while.
"Yes... I was thinking..."
"About what?"
"I'm happy you are there."
"Thank you. I too am. I waited so much this day."
"Are you alone?"
"Yes."
"I... I'll go up again and try to sleep. Who knows if I can? I just wanted to hear your voice. Are you in bed?"
"No, I just undressed and was getting ready to go to bed."
"Alberto?"
"Yes?"
"I... I need you."
"I need you too, so much."
"Really?"
"Absolutely. Why don't you come here, now."
"I would like to, but..."
"I would be happy."
"You're tempting me... don't say it again."
"Come here, come on!"
"No... don't say it again."
"Come to me, please."
"Yes... I'll call a taxi."
"I'll wait for you."
I cut the line, deeply moved. I don't really know why, but I got dressed. A few minutes elapsed. I heard the lift door bang, his footsteps, his light knock at my door. I opened it.
He did a rather shy smile, as if to apologize, and with a low and sweet voice said, "I came..."
"I'm happy. Come in."
"You said you just undressed," he said, entering and looking at me.
"Yes. But I didn't think it was right to receive you half naked."
"You're not ashamed in front of me, are you?"
"No, of course not, but..."
There was sexual tension in the air, light but tangible. We were smiling at each other, but it seemed almost as if our glances were avoiding each other, and at the same time we were attracted to each other. We both were embarrassed - we could feel our desire for each other, perceive our desire, but we were feeling a kind of modesty.
"It's very late to show up at somebody's place, isn't it?"
"No, not for you." I answered.
"But you must be tired."
"Not so much. May I offer you something?"
"No, thank you. Does it bother you if I smoke?"
"No. I smoke too, as you know."
We took the cigarettes. When I lit his, his hand touched mine as one does on instinct, almost to guide it, but it was like a caress. And our glances met again.
"Alberto?"
"Tell me."
"I was thinking about the last night we spent together."
"Yes?"
"You are the only man who... that I allowed... rather, I asked... to fuck me."
"I know."
"I often asked myself why I did that."
"Why?"
"The answer is not simple. I didn't like it, and yet... I would like you inside me again."
"Why?"
"Because it's you."
"I don't understand." I answered, thinking I was understanding why, but I wanted him to say it.
"You... you are really special to me."
"How?"
"I'm not able to say it very well, but... when I was making love with you it was so beautiful, I felt so good, I was so happy that... that I felt the need to give you at least a little of the pleasure you were giving me, in the same way."
"Even though you don't like it?"
"Physically... I'm not used to it, but... Physically it was weird, but... I was glad to give myself to you, believe me."
"Why?" I insisted, putting a hand on his in a caress, to let him know I was fond of him, to make him understand that my 'whys' weren't to be aloof from him.
"Because I wanted you to understand that... it was not only the pleasure of fucking you, you see? But of being with you. That I didn't consider you an outlet, but really like me. And I thought that, in that way, you could understand it. Feeling you inside me was a strange experience. It was two things at once; on one side the physical discomfort, on the other the pleasure of having given myself to you. But the physical discomfort, that can disappear with practice, can't it? I have thought a lot about that, ever since and... I'll never say this to any other man, believe me."
"Why to me?"
"Because of you... because I... I'm scared to say that word..."
"Scared? What word?"
"That I... I don't know, it seems weird to me too, possibly because I never thought of it, because I never said it before... possibly because... I never despised gay people, but after all I was proud not to be one, and on the one hand... I thought that between two males there can only be sex, just to amuse oneself, and I had to be the man, of course, and on the other hand, with you... With you it's different."
"What word?" I gently insisted, lightly squeezing his hand and looking in his eyes.
His glance was sweet, and made me think of a child who for the first time feels sentiments for which he is not yet able to give a name...
"Love?" he murmured, almost imperceptibly and lowered his eyes, blushing.
"Love?" I echoed, moved.
"I don't know, but... when one is ready to do everything and anything for the other, what do you call it?"
"A strong friendship, perhaps?"
"No. Things you would never do even for your best friend... like begging him to... like giving yourself to him... like wanting to belong to him... like renouncing everything just to belong to him." he said, his voice hushed.
I didn't answer; I simply continued to squeeze his hand.
He then looked in my eyes again and said, "This is what I'm feeling for you. Believe me."
"I believe you. But you aren't gay. Now, you possibly feel alone, and I shared a particular time in your life, and therefore..."
"I don't know what I am... or what I am not. I just know that I want to be yours. This, now, seems to me the most important thing."
"Now. But how long will it last?"
"I don't know, honestly. But I would like it to last as long as possible. I would like it, really."
"You will meet a beautiful girl and then you will become aware that in reality... Nobody changes so much, nobody can really decide how he wants to be. Now you feel this way, but then?"
"You... don't you want me?"
"Yes, I want you very much."
"Let me spend the night here, with you."
"And you know that it will end up that we make love."
"Yes, of course... I want you inside me, you know it."
"And then?"
"Then?"
"I... I'm in love with you. If a day comes and you tell me good bye, I've found my soul mate and it wasn't you... how do you think I will feel?"
"Bad... very bad... But I don't want to make you feel bad, truly. I want you to be happy... with me."
"Happy."
"If you were a woman, I'd ask you to marry me... do you understand? Or if the woman was me, of course."
"But we are two men, aren't we?"
"Is that so important? You said to me that two men can also love each other, do you remember? I would like trying to love you."
"Trying."
"Is all so new for me, so strange for me. But beautiful. Yes, I really believe I am in love with you. You are really special to me. I need you, believe me. And you love me too, don't you?"
"But I am used to the idea of loving a man. You aren't."
"Do you think it is not possible?"
"I'm not saying that. But..."
"Perhaps, if I met you when I was a teenager, I could have understood more easily, at once, that a man can love another man. But I don't think it's too late for me, do you?"
"You say you love me... When did you understand it?"
"That last night, when I asked you to fuck me. And then, after you went outside, I had all that time to think about it, a lot of time. I didn't think about any thing else, do you understand? And the more I was thinking about it, the more it seemed beautiful to me when I discovered that you are not just a boy with whom I was amusing myself, but that you are the most important thing in my life."
"Important enough to prevent you from going back to the racket?"
"For sure. Important enough to want to be yours and only yours and... You see, my last woman or the others before her belonged to me, but I never felt I belonged to them. I was number one, they came after me. Now, I would like you to come before me, do you understand?"
"It's too wonderful."
"But this is how I feel. Something I never felt for anybody, up to now. Do you believe me?"
"I believe you, yes." I said and felt I was going to cry - I knew he was being sincere and honest.
And this love declaration was way more beautiful than what I had thought he was ready for. I thought my hope had no foundation, and instead...
"Alberto?"
"Tell me."
"We could at last try it, can't we? I, I swear, I want nothing other than making you happy. Let me try, please."
"It would be wonderful."
"It is not just up to us?"
"I think so."
"I didn't come here to ask you to fuck, believe me. I came here to ask you to make me yours. To accept me. Please."
"Lorenzo..."
"Yes?"
"I think that we can... give it a try." At last I said it.
His eyes brightened, literally shone and he whispered "thank you" and put his lips on my hand and kissed it. I put the other hand on the nape of his neck and caressed him, moved. He then came near me and his lips searched for mine.
We kissed each other. I felt him shuddering. He embraced me and we stood up, he squeezed me in his arms and our bodies searched for each other. It wasn't lust, even though there was physical desire. It was, above all, the desire to melt into the other, to make our bodies speak, to say things that words alone are not able to say.
"Let's undress and go to bed, then." I said moving with him towards the bed.
He nodded. We undressed almost without looking at each other, almost shyly, as if it was the first time for both of us. We slipped into the bed and our naked bodies wrapped each other tightly, our members rubbing against each other and we kissed again. I could feel his erection, while his body was searching for mine, and I liked it.
He pulled me on top of him and whispered: "Make love to me."
"Yes, but not yet."
"I want to be yours."
"Me too."
"I feel like I'm dreaming."
"Me too."
"You're beautiful, do you know?"
"You say it... YOU are beautiful!"
"I love you..."
"Repeat it."
"I love you... Lorenzo loves Alberto."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I love you."
"I love you too."
"I know, and I'm happy. Make love to me."
"Later. We're not in a hurry, are we?"
"I've waited so long for this moment that... but no, we are not in a hurry, it's true. You've entirely changed my life. You gave it meaning and value. I am now thirty-one years old and I feel like I'm just starting to live, thanks to you."
"You are sweet."
"You make me so. God, how much I love you!"
"I love you too."
CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 8
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