With Regret, Chapter 9
(sorry for the delay!)
After walking out on Phil I dove straight into my car, sobbing hard as I sped off. I was angry at myself for sleeping with him; I shouldn't have given in to him like that, regardless of how desperate I was to feel loved again. I felt sick, when Phil was touching me, kissing me, all I could think was whether he was like that with the other men he'd been with. How could Phil just pass sex around like it was something so meaningless? To me it was special, a time where we truly connected, not just about having a fucking orgasm.
I didn't want Phil thinking he had me back, I didn't want him to feel like he didn't need to try for me anymore and that I was just going to forgive him that easily. He didn't deserve my love, my devotion and even my fucking loyalty.
I'd given him everything I could; emotionally, financially, just everything. And for what? For him to throw it in my face by betraying me, hurting me and sleeping around like I wasn't worthy of his time or effort.
There was no doubt I still stupidly adored him, and that I seriously needed him, but I was so angry at him.
Driving around aimlessly, I didn't have a clue where to take myself. There was nowhere that made me feel even a tiny bit better, not even being around my family, or with my friends, nothing. Not even being with Danny helped.
Sitting before him, it just flooded me with memories, horrible painful memories, and an endless list of unanswered questions about why he did what he did.
I adored Danny, but I couldn't quite forgive him for leaving me like he did. Maybe if I knew why I could, but despite asking his friends, and the rest of the family, for anything that may have resulted in Danny being depressed, there was nothing I could find which would have justified what he did.
He seemed fine with his sexuality, content with his job, and he had a good circle of friends and he was close to Dad, Simon and me.
Well, so I thought. Why didn't he tell me something was wrong...
It still haunts me, the not knowing why. In my mind I am always going over everything that happened before his death, to see if I can pinpoint anything, but I just can't, and I can't escape the image I have of when I found him.
Phil was there when I would cry myself to sleep, tortured by it all, he helped me so much more then he'll ever know. He was the only one who could help me cope, simply by being there and being my rock. I may have had my Dad and Simon, but they were crippled by what had happened too, so I needed someone who could be strong for me. That was Phil. He pushed me to come to terms with what happened, he let me fall apart as I needed to, but then he helped drag me out of the darkness and start living again. I'd started to shut everyone out. I believed that because I was the closest to Danny, I should have known something was wrong. But Phil reminded me that I had no blame over what had happened, and that I couldn't have changed anything. Danny simply did what he felt he needed to do; I just wished I knew what he was escaping.
~*~
"What the hell Ethan!" I spat, as I jumped to my feet, losing the mug of coffee in my hand to the floor. Surprisingly, it didn't shatter.
"What's wrong?" Ethan asked calmly, while standing up himself. "You want this don't you?"
"Want what?" Frustration clearly evident in my voice.
"Well, me?" He said as he approached me, nearing in.
His tone was soft, drawing my gaze to creep down to his lips. They were getting closer to mine, making me gulp, and making my body feel hot.
"No." I mumbled, beginning to lose concentration. Don't do this Ethan...
I looked far from uninterested, especially as I continued to stare at his mouth, while mine gaped open slightly. His lips were a nice shape, not to thin or big, and were a blushed pink. They looked so soft, I bet those lips tasted incredible... No Phil, stop it.
"You need to go." I attempted to demand, instead sounding distracted. I can't want this...and I certainly can't have it.
I could suddenly feel the heat of Ethan's breath on my face as he slowly neared in further, my breath caught as our mouths were almost touching. Fuck, what's he tryna do to me...
My heart jumped, as Ethan slipped an arm around my waist, suddenly pressing his body into mine with his obvious hard-one pushing up against me. There was no denying his move had sent a jolt of electricity into my groin. His lips were now at my neck, not touching, but so fucking close I could feel the warm moisture from his breath on my skin.
"Don't do this to me Ethan..." I murmured, the arousal I was feeling unintentionally showing in my voice.
Had Ethan tried it on before Jacob had caught me cheating, I probably would have, unfortunately, jumped at the chance.
"What the hell has gotten into you?" I continued.
Ethan pulled away, thankfully, before giving me a puzzled look.
"Like you haven't expected this." He chortled.
"What? No, I didn't. I didn't even know you were gay until today!"
"And what do you do when you find out? Invite me round, so you clearly wanted something."
I couldn't help but laugh to myself at that, I could see how it looked, but that really hadn't been my intention.
"Sorry Ethan, but no, nothing of the sort was on my mind when I asked you round. I'm madly in love with Jacob, trying to win him back, which I've just been explaining to you before you...well, tried to kiss me."
A fleeting look of disappointment swept across Ethan's face, before fading back into that puzzled expression of his.
"If you love Jacob that much, then seriously man, why an earth did you cheat so much? I know we're friends and I probably shouldn't say this, but you can't deny you've been a complete dick to him."
Well he sure gets over rejection quickly.
My body calmed down as Ethan took a step back from me, giving me back my personal space.
Thank fuck for that...
"Well?" Ethan persisted.
"Attention, I suppose." I sighed with a shrug.
"What?" Ethan chortled again, clearly not taking my answer seriously.
"I know, sounds stupid right?"
"Well, what's wrong with the attention Jacob gives you?"
"Ha! What attention! He may hug and kiss me now and again but he's NEVER up for anything more than that." I scoffed. "We must do it, like, once a week or something nowadays."
Ethan raised his eyebrow at me, clearly wanting me to take the discussion more seriously.
"Sorry, not that's not the main problem, of course. I could live with that if the time we weren't doing it wasn't so...well, depressing. I know that sounds awful, but there's always something wrong with Jacob. After being together for a few months he just changed, he got moody easily and became really insecure –to the point where he was hesitant to get undressed in front of me! I'm just not used to that.
It's been particularly bad since Danny's death, which was understandable at first, but it's been years now, and Jacob is still cut up and pretty much traumatised by the whole thing. Sometimes I feel more like a therapist then a boyfriend."
I took a slow, deep breath after off-loading a lot more than I'd intended. Looking at Ethan his eyes had widened, his mind clearly trying to put something together to say, but he just continued to stare back, speechless.
"Sorry." I sighed, as I brought my hand up to rub my forehead, feeling the creases of ageing beginning to deepen. " I've never, actually said any of that before. Well, to anyone other than Danny anyway."
"Sorry." Ethan finally managed to croak. "It was just a lot to take in. Who's Danny by the way?"
"Jamie's brother. I don't really like telling people about him to be honest" I said, briefly thinking back at the awkward encounter I'd shared with him, just mere months before he died.
"If you feel that way, about your relationship with Jacob, then why don't you speak to him? Why sleep around instead? And besides, before you said he was perfect, it doesn't sound like you mean that anymore?"
"I know it sounds ridiculous, but it gets difficult." I said sombrely, as I sat back down on the sofa, slumping back into the cushions with a sigh. "I don't dare upset him by saying I'm not happy, he's broken enough as it is. And he is perfect, it's not his fault he's insecure and depressed, and when he has a good day he's the most loving man I've ever met. But sometimes, I feel like I'm living in somebody's shadow. It's always all about Jacob. Whenever I see our friends and family, they're always asking about him, how he's doing and what he's been up to, and blah blah blah."
Ethan slowly joined me on the sofa, softly putting a hand on my thigh, until I flashed him a raised eyebrow making him think better of it and moving it away. "Sorry." He muttered.
"Look Ethan, I'm sorry if I've given you mixed messages, and I'm sorry for ranting on about Jacob. I know I've been a selfish prick to him. I mean come on, earlier on I was in bits thinking Jacob had been with you, yet I still almost went for you myself. Jacob deserves better than this. When I first started `playing away' it started with me just going to that bar to flirt, get attention, but then I started actually having sex, and it all kinda spiralled out of control from there really."
My head fell back as I closed my eyes for a moment, while Ethan was sat tightly on the edge of the sofa with his arms wrapped around himself.
"You need to tell Jacob all this." Ethan said softly. "How can you expect to move forward if you're not honest with him Phil?"
I brought my head back up so I could look at him properly, and raised an eyebrow at him as though he'd said something truly crazy.
"He'd laugh in my face Ethan, who wouldn't, it all sounds so stupid."
"No Phil, it doesn't Of course it doesn't You can't give that kind of support to someone constantly, you need love and care in return, but Jacob clearly isn't doing that. There needs to be give and take on both parts."
"I know I know, but he does give back. He tries his hardest, he really does. I know he loves me; he's just dealing with a lot of shit. Everything's so intense, emotionally, with Jacob and me. It freaks me out sometimes how much I love him. I almost can't handle that fear of losing him, so getting with other guys, it gives me some relief from all that. I know I'm not making much sense, but, well, it's hard to explain I guess."
"I think you're making more sense then you think." Ethan said, as the corners of his mouth gently curved into his cheeks.
"I've never told anyone about all this," I reflected with a small smile. "But regardless of my reasons, it's still no excuse to treat Jacob so badly, he deserves so much more."
So why can't I just let him go...
"I think it's best you go anyway Ethan. I just, need to be on my own right now. We'll talk tomorrow, yeah? Thanks for coming over."
" I'm happy to stay and talk some more Phil?"
"Honestly, its fine. You've been amazing." My mouth quickly flashing into a grin. "For the most part anyway."
He gave way to a delicate amused sound, before gently squeezing my shoulder as he stood up.
"Ok Phil, but I'll see you tomorrow yeah? I'm sorry again about, earlier." His cheeks suddenly turning into bright cherries.
"It's fine." I chuckled. "But never again yeah? See ya later." I deserve a medal for turning you down!
As his fingers intertwined restlessly, he nodded, before leaving the room.
Once I heard the front door shut, I laid down on the sofa, locking my hands together underneath my head.
I closed my eyes, and as my breathing steadied I sunk lower into the cushions. I needed to sleep, but I couldn't quite drift off until I allowed my mind to go back through the encounter I'd had with Danny. I knew he was being out of character, so why didn't I stay? If only I'd stayed...
To be continued...
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