With Regret, Chapter 8
Relief had flooded through me. This had to mean something, it just had to. Surely, if there was no future left between us, he wouldn't have asked for me to kiss him; he wouldn't have let me make love to him. We'd clutched at each other tightly, kissing each other hard, him showing me he'd missed our closeness as much as I had. I hoped I'd been able to make him feel loved, and believe that every ounce of compassion in me was meant for him – and him only.
Gazing at him, as his head lay on my chest, I took in every detail. His soft, full lips, his sharp cheekbones which structured his face into a beautiful one, and his eyes...those incredible eyes which, even while closed, were amazing, with their long, feathery eyelashes.
I couldn't believe how much I loved him. We made the perfect team, which was proven when obtaining our home.
I'd originally had enough money in my savings to pay for the deposit on our dream home, and to even cover the first few months of the mortgage payments – but my little sister got involved in an accident, and so the money went on her medical bills, instead, as she couldn't ask our parents for anything. She was very distant from them, after having a heated row with Dad for moving abroad to be with the 'love of her life.'
None of what happened had bothered me, so things between Lisa and me were fine, hence, the reason I was ok paying for her medical bills.
Fortunately, Jacob didn't hold my financial decision against me. If anything, he was very supportive of me helping my sister.
We were devastated though, to say the least, as we had already found the ideal place, and started picturing ourselves living there, building a life together. We couldn't shake it off, couldn't step back and wait patiently until we could afford something else, as it would mean searching all over again to find a replacement for what we had already fallen in love with.
So I talked to work about increasing my hours, and for a pay rise. I ended up dabbling in different projects at work to get the hours in, totalling a weekly average of sixty hours, which was exhausting.
Jacob tried to do the same, but wasn't as successful, so he took on a second job. He hated it – not the extra hours, but the new job. It was at a bar, but what turned out to be quite a seedy one, getting groped by customers and getting grief off his boss for being `frigid' for not playing along with it.
I wanted Jacob to quit, but he was determined for us to get the money we needed.
Fortunately, he left that job after we moved out, but I think the memories of working in such an environment stayed with him for quite a while afterwards.
And now, here we were, going through hell, after I'd completely dishonoured everything by bringing John back to our bedroom.
Relaxing as I remembered there was a chance it could all be behind us, I pulled Jacob into a slow kiss as we both remained cuddled up together on the sofa. Letting my hands creep down his back and onto his ass, my cock was beginning to grow again. His skin was so smooth, just as I liked it, and his breath felt hot in my mouth.
Fuck, I could have him again right now...
I slowly let my hand slide onto his stomach, before reaching down...
Please be hard, please be ready for more.
I was just about to take a firm hold of his cock when my hand was pulled away.
Jacob began chuckling softly into our kiss, so I came away to see why denying me of his member was so funny.
"Not a chance," he smiled mischievously at me. "You've worn me out."
"Come on," I coaxed. "I've missed it so much."
Jacob's expression relaxed. He gazed at me with adoration as he spoke.
"Me, too. I don't want to lose you again, Phil. I can't. I couldn't cope without you."
When he said `cope' I knew he was referring to his battle with missing Danny.
I understood loss can be awful; I'd been a wreck when I thought Jacob and I were just over, so I dreaded to think how I'd feel if anything happened to him – although I did wonder why he was still finding it so difficult two years on.
It might have been due to how Danny died, though, as it was definitely a massive shock. Jacob still woke up shouting, crying, or to a sudden panic attack, which was horrible to witness. He'd clutch at his chest, struggling to breathe, and begin pacing around the room franticly, looking ready to collapse into a nervous breakdown.
"I'm not going anywhere," I told him softly. "I love you more than anything, Jacob."
His eyes suddenly looked saddened as he glanced away and put his head back on my chest, his fingertips stretching out onto my stomach.
"What's wrong?" I asked him.
"Nothing," he whispered, sounding distracted, deep in thought.
I began to tentatively stroke his hair as I relaxed back into the sofa; he was clearly still having doubts about us.
"I promise I'll never hurt you again, Jacob. I promise I'll spend forever making it up to you."
"I think it's too late," he whimpered, in a soft, broken voice. I could literally hear the tears in his eyes and throat. "I can't see this pain ever going away."
Please don't lose faith in us, Jacob...
"It will," I whispered, not honestly believing it would. I feared my cheating could haunt our relationship for a long time yet, despite any efforts to fix the wounds I'd created.
Jacob slowly lifted himself off me, sitting up and tugging at the blanket to keep himself covered. I reluctantly sat up as well, after the physical closeness I'd been enjoying had now been taken away. I sensed Jacob was going to talk more about our problem, and his difficultly with seeing a way forward for us.
"I can't stop picturing the two of you. And thinking about who else you've been with, and when..."
I was right.
"Jacob, please," I said, keeping my tone gentle, as I knew he had every right to bring it up again. But I just couldn't hack it anymore. Selfishly, all I wanted was for us to get along, to be as though nothing had gone wrong and we weren't, in fact, having a relationship breakdown. I didn't want to talk anymore about it.
"I should go," he sighed, before getting up and pulling on his jeans.
I admired his body as he did so; he looked unbelievable topless with a pair of jeans on...so incredibly sexy, like a photoshopped model.
I sighed as I continued to watch him. He silently put on his t-shirt before finally looking back at me.
"We can get through this, you know," I said, hoping he could hear belief in my voice, and ignore the tear trickling down my cheek and my quivering lip.
Jacob suddenly looked so tired to me; his eyes were misty, with dark circles underneath them, and a fallen mouth pulled his face downward. Indeed, I had made him tired, and depressed.
He shrugged at me before leaving the room.
I quickly got off the sofa and put my trousers on. I was about to go in search for Jacob, but he returned just as I fastened up my fly.
He'd been crying, it was obvious, as his cheeks had reddened with moistened streaks down them.
"Jacob," I exasperated, as I took him into my arms. "Come here."
"I wanna go see Danny," he whimpered into my shoulder as I held onto him tightly.
I shut my eyes momentarily, as a brief spell of overwhelming pain shot through me.
I wished I could soothe his pain; inject the confidence he used to have back into him.
"You've got me..." I whispered.
With that, Jacob started sobbing – hard. I pulled him into me even more, as though the pressure of my body against his would actually help. I forced back tears, wanting to stay strong for Jacob, to show him I believed we could actually recover from all this hurt.
He quickly broke away from me though, and abruptly slapped me across the face.
Shock jolted through my body along with a sharp sting, and emotionally, I felt devastated.
Jacob has never hit me before in his life. Fair enough, it wasn't exactly a vicious punch to the face, but still, he'd done something I'd never thought he was capable of.
"You–", I started sombrely, before being cut off.
"Fuck you, Philip Maister!" he wept. "I haven't got you; I've never had you. Never."
He turned around and left, literally just storming out the house, leaving me standing their bewildered.
I obviously should have run after him, but I didn't. Instead, I let him go, deciding he should have some space. I'd turned him into someone unrecognisable, and I needed to rethink my strategy on getting him back properly.
Everything was such a mess. One second, he was reciprocating my affection, and then he was questioning us – the future of our relationship – to then abruptly leaving like all hope was gone.
I didn't know what to make of it; all I knew was that I couldn't give up. Despite how exhausting, and slightly repetitive, this was all becoming.
After grabbing a shower and something to eat, I thought it'd be a wise idea to text Ethan. I needed to apologise for going mental at him, because he hadn't deserved that. He was a lovely lad, and I also didn't want it getting back to work that I'd kicked off at a colleague.
`Hey. I'm sorry about earlier; I completely lost it and I shouldn't have. I've got a lot going on at the moment; would appreciate it if you didn't tell work about what happened.'
I was about to start a text to Jacob, but Ethan replied and so I cancelled it to read what he'd said. My stomach fluttered nervously, hoping it wasn't going to be a brutal response to my apology.
`It's ok. I'm here if you need to talk.'
Sappily, my eyes actually welled up at his kindness.
God, it'd be so nice to talk to someone about what's going on, it really would.
Without really thinking it through, I replied, inviting him over for a coffee, to which he said `yes'. So I told him my address, and quickly tidied up before his arrival.
It wasn't long until there was a knock on my door, and glancing at the time before answering it, I was surprised to see it was already 10 p.m.
"Hey Ethan," I smiled weakly as I let him in. "I'm sorry again about earlier. Can I get you a coffee or something? A beer?"
"Relax," he chortled. "I'm not going to tell work, alright?"
A soft laugh escaped, as I thought at how desperate I must have just sounded.
"Sorry. I do feel really bad, though. I proper went mental on your ass."
"It's ok; you're forgiven. Coffee then – or you on the beer?"
"I'd prefer coffee," I said, as we walked up the corridor to the kitchen. "But what about you?"
"Coffee's fine with me."
We sat in the living room with our coffee, and I managed to pretty much tell him everything.
I was stunned by my honesty, but it was also a nice feeling offloading to someone and not having to worry about hurting them.
I told him about how I'd started hooking up with strangers at Hunters, and oddly, his first response was to ask if I'd been careful, rather than give a remark at how selfish I'd been. When I started talking about Jacob finding out, and how things had been between us since, his following question surprised me.
"What do you love about Jacob?"
"Everything," I uttered, deeming it pointless stating individual traits, as I couldn't pick fault with him. Everything about him was perfect, from the way his eyes sparkled when he smiled, to the way he would hold onto me in bed before falling asleep.
"You say everything, but you can't have done surely? Your relationship must have missed something? Or he had a fault or two that nagged at you?"
I was silent, giving his theory a brief thought – until my body froze, as Ethan suddenly pressed his lips onto mine.
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