With Regret By Samantha Kay Copyright Protected 2012-2013
Chapter 13
I could feel Jacob's warm back leaning into my chest, the contact so comforting it made my heart flutter.
I was spooning him; with my arms tightly wrapped around him as though if I loosened them he would disappear.
I nuzzled my nose into his soft hair, before inhaling his scent deeply; which was warm and slightly sweet.
"Oh Jacob..." I whispered. "I love you so much."
My heart felt like it could literally float away; I was in heaven.
-We made love...sweet, passionate, amazing love. No tears, no pain, just pure love.
Jacob shuffled to turn onto his back so he could look at me.
He had a gentle smile on his face, and his eye's looked misty. He placed a hand on my cheek before talking softly and quietly.
"You have no idea how loved you made me feel last night. Thank you."
Like a quick bee-sting my own eyes were suddenly hit with a film of moisture.
"You're my world Jacob." I croaked with a smile.
Simultaneously we leaned in kissing tenderly, his dry lips feeling slightly rough against my own.
The passion quickly intensified, our tongues crashing wildly as we breathed loudly though our noses. We occasionally stopped to lean our foreheads against one another's, appreciating the closeness we'd once lost.
"Take me back. Please." I quietly moaned needily, my eyes closed as my face leaned into his. My heart racing as his warm skin comforted mine.
"We need to talk Phil. About changes. Because regardless of what you said, there's always a reason for cheating." Jacob's voice was surprisingly stern.
I nodded weakly. He was right.
"Ok." I whispered.
We both pulled away to lie side by side, gazing up at the ceiling as we both took a deep breath and held hands tightly.
-I need to be brutally honest...if this is ever gonna work I need to be honest.
I shut my eyes before my painfully tight throat allowed me to speak.
-Here goes...
"I wish you could move on from Danny." I said quickly, as though I was ripping a band-aid off Jacob's heart. "I wish you had more confidence. And I wish you weren't so perfect." I took a deep, staggered breath. I slowly turned to look at him. He was staring up at the ceiling, his eyes clearly wet. "And I wish we could just go back in time, and have fun together like we used to, before Danny died."
He closed his eyes and tightened his lips, making my chest feel heavy and throb. The lump in my throat felt like it had gotten bigger, I wanted to throw up.
-I feel so awful for hurting Jacob like this...
I laid back again, taking slow deep breaths to try and rid the light-headedness I was suddenly plagued with.
"I know you're right." Jacob spoke, his voice broken. I could literally hear the quivering of his bottom lip. "I just...can't seem to let go. I know I've been pushing you away. But I would give anything to know why he did it...why he left me."
"I wish I could help you." Now it was my turn for my voice to break. "I've really tried to help you."
I exhaled heavily. Fleeting memories of trying to console Jacob many, many times quickly swept through my mind. "I cheat Jacob. I cheat because I crave some excitement. I know that sounds awful, but our home life has gotten so draining. Trying to comfort someone who can't be comforted...it's heartbreaking, exhausting."
"I'm sorry." Jacob croaked, tightening his grip of my hand.
"I feel so guilty saying these things," I said quietly, almost inwardly. "Because I know you're amazing. I know it's not your fault you're down, that you lack confidence. But I miss how you used to be. So. So. Much."
"Before Danny died. Did you ever cheat then?" Jamie uttered tearfully, sounding preoccupied with his thoughts.
My body suddenly felt hot and tensed.
Not just because I felt guilty, but also because I was remembering the conversation with Danny, and him trying it on with me. The kiss.
-Do I tell him..?
All moisture had gone from my mouth and throat. I could barely move my tongue properly to talk.
"Yeah." I said barely audibly. "Three times."
I heard Jacob begin to cry, his quiet sobs sending sharp stabs into my gut.
"Why?" He wept.
"Remember when you worked at that bar?" My own tears now beginning to flow. "And you were getting a really hard time? You were so down. Even depressed at one point. You wouldn't even let me touch you. I know it was difficult for you, getting harassed by a bunch of pervy strangers but I told you to not go back. I told you, but you wouldn't leave that place. It changed you."
"So you cheated." It sounded like a statement, like it was an obvious conclusion.
"I'm not proud of what I did Jacob." I said pleadingly. "I know it's incredibly wrong. I dealt with things in such a stupid, stupid way. I should have talked to you. Not tried to get excitement from other men while still expecting to get everything else with you."
"How are we supposed to get back together?" Jacob cried. "Cos everytime I'm down, upset, you'll just go off and cheat won't you. Whenever things get tough, you'll go elsewhere."
I jerked onto my side and a hand clasped onto his cheek, making him look at me. His pretty eyes full of pain; sunken and teary.
"I swear I will never cheat again. If things get tough we'll work on it. I won't stray ever again. I promise. Please believe me Jacob, I love you so much." I was choking on my tears, almost sobbing.
My chest ached and eased at the same time, when Jacob suddenly wrapped his arms around me. Hugging me tightly he buried his face in my neck, whimpering quietly.
I held him back like my life depended on it. I sniffled and kissed his head, my nose runny from crying.
"Jacob, we can do this. We can get through this. Please." I wept.
-I need him to give me another chance. I can't lose him. I fucking can't!
"I really want us to Phil. I really want to believe you." He whimpered.
I gently pulled away, so I could look into his eyes.
"Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life. I'll never forgive myself for hurting you, betraying you. But I can't ask for you back, until I've been completely honest with you."
I heard Jacob literally gulp, his eyes widening as he clearly pictured a whole range of horrible things I could be about to say.
"Jacob, I. I...Danny -"
"You've slept with Danny?" He suddenly shouted tearfully, jerking away from me. I quickly grabbed him and pulled him into me.
"No Jacob, of course not!" I said pleadingly. "He just tried it on! We...kissed." I swallowed hard, feeling dizzy and sick. "I was drunk, otherwise that wouldn't have happened, I swear."
More tears trickled down my cheeks, as Jacob gave way to a sob, covering his mouth as he turned to look away from me.
A sharp stab shot into my heart. -I can't believe how much I keep hurting him. I've made him cry so many times.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I wept, clutching at his arm.
"I, I thought, I thought he was lying. I thought he'd made it up." Jacob sobbed, barely able to breathe.
My heart stopped, a heavy weight plummeted onto my stomach.
"What?" I stammered, staring at Jacob.
"He, he told me that he tried it on with you. That he tried to get you into bed, but you turned him down. You pushed him away when he kissed you, told him you loved me." Jacobs breathing was erratic as he attempted to talk through his tears. "I thought he'd just said them things to upset me, cos it was during a row. I didn't even believe it was true."
My throat had gone dry, along with my eyes. My mouth had fallen open as I stared at Jacob with disbelief.
"Are you being serious? All this time you've known? You've known?" I ended with a sharp tone, as a wave of anger washed into me. My grip involuntarily tightening around Jacob's arm.
-I've been feeling guilty all this time, hating myself for not telling Jacob about Danny, and all along he's fucking known about everything!
I jumped up off the bed and hurriedly pulled my trousers on.
"What's wrong? Why are you mad at me?" Jacob quivered tearfully, though his sobs had calmed down.
As I fastened up my jeans, being rougher with the zip than necessary, I refused to even look at Jacob.
"You have no idea how much that has eaten away at me." I spat. "I was scared of ruining you and your brother's relationship. But you knew what he did, and said fuck all. I've been tormented for nothing!"
"You didn't tell me either!" Jamie cried back, as he got up from the bed too and quickly pulled his trousers on. "I never asked you about it, because I trusted you! How fucking stupid am I, eh!"
I stopped, with my back to Jacob as I stared sombrely at the wall. A deep sigh exhaled from my painfully tight lungs.
-I shouldn't be angry with Jacob. I kept a secret too. Too many secrets...
-It's been so painful since Danny died though, thinking I knew something about Danny that Jacob didn't. Thinking that if it ever came out I could destroy his memory of his brother.
"I'm sorry." I sighed. "I know I have no right to be pissed about this. It's just been tearing at my insides since he died. I was terrified of telling you. You looked up to him so much. I couldn't risk damaging your memory of him."
"What about before Danny died? What was your reason for not telling then?" Jacob with an element of cockiness in his voice actually made me want to smile. He was incredibly cute when he had an attitude.
"You adored him Jacob. I didn't want to hurt you. To ruin the bond you had with him." I said quietly, my head bowing down.
I initially flinched when I felt Jacob slip his arms around me, before relaxing into his body. He rested his cheek between my shoulder blades, and I moved my head around to get closer to him.
We both sighed, and I placed my hands over his, which felt warm and soft on my bare stomach.
"I really want us to try again Phil. But I need your word. I need your word that you'll never keep anything from me again. If I'm pushing you away, tell me. Please."
Jacob whispered, before gently pressing his lips to my back. My heart did a dramatic flip at his words. And his tender kiss sent a wave of butterflies through my stomach.
"On my life, Jacob." I told him, a tear escaping my eye. "On my life."
To be continued...
Feedback good or bad is always appreciated!
Check out the website for this story on: http://storywithregret.blogspot.co.uk/
Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/samanthakays
I also have another story, called Forbidden Crush, available on Nifty and http://storytimetrysts.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/forbidden-crush-part-9.html