I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of the fact I didn't stay.
It was a few months before Danny died, where Jacob and I were at his Dads having a few beers, his brothers were there too.
After the beers ran out we went onto vodka, and it wasn't long until my steps became uncoordinated and my brain had distanced itself from my mouth.
I'd gone upstairs to take a piss, and on my way back I saw that Danny was in his room and laid on his bed, despite being with the rest of us in the living room just minutes before.
I slowly crept in not wanting to startle him, before sitting at the foot of the bed, quietly watching him as he lay on his side staring at the wall.
How I managed to not get his attention sooner I have no idea, as I could barely walk never mind successfully `creep'.
"You ok?" I whispered.
He jerked to look at me and quickly sat up.
"What you doing in here?" He hissed, his pupils overpowering his pretty blue irises.
"Sorry. I'll go. I just wanted to see that you were alright."
I'm pretty sure I was slurring, I was more drunk than I dare to admit as I stumbled back up to my feet to leave.
Danny shot up and put an arm around my waist and a hand on my chest in an attempt to steady me, I just giggled in response, until he suddenly put his mouth to mine.
It took a few moments to realise what was actually happening, and it was then that I pushed him away, nearly falling onto my ass in the process.
"Did you? Did you just kiss me?" I mumbled.
"Shhh! Keep your voice down!"
Pretty certain I wasn't that loud.
"Sorry." I shrugged, dismissing the seriousness of what had happened.
I was about to start walking again, until I was stopped by Danny standing right before me and putting his hands on my waist. He then tried to kiss me again.
Despite taking a second to react, I managed to move my face to aside in time so that his lips hit my cheek instead.
"Danny, what are you doing man." I grumbled.
His lips now at my ear, whispering, and sounding quite sexy if I'm honest.
If I wasn't so wasted I would have probably have gotten hard at that point.
"I know you've slept around behind his back, so why not sleep with me."
Fuck.
I tried to swallow, but my dried up throat wouldn't allow it.
I initially wondered if he was playing a trick on me, testing me, until I felt his fingertips slide down and rub against my crotch.
"Oh man." I let out with a rather frustrated sounding moan.
Danny was hot, really hot.
"What are you playing at? I'm with your brother for Christ's sake." My gritted teeth sharpened the tone of my voice.
"Why do you cheat on him then? I'm not stupid Phil, I know what you've been doing. You're lucky I haven't told him."
"Well why haven't you then?" I spat, surprisingly quickly considering, while purposely trying to sound cocky.
His eyes sunk as he diverted his gaze to the floor for a moment.
"I can't do that to him." He said quietly.
"But you can try it on with me?" I retorted. "This is wrong Danny, I'm going back downstairs."
I attempted to pull away, despite still being very unsteady, but was pushed onto my back on the bed. Danny got on top of me, making me groan again, especially as he ever so slightly rubbed his crotch into me.
Fuck you Danny, I'm not giving in to you. Fuck you. You hot bastard.
"No Danny." I scolded, as he began nibbling at my neck. "Too far Danny. Please, just stop this."
A jolt of sensations overwhelmed my dick, not enough to make it hard, but enough for my breaths to become shallow for a moment.
He brought his face away from my neck, and then just looked at me, his eyes glistening.
"Tell me why you've cheated before, on Jacob."
I turned my head, resting a cheek against the rough fabric of the bedding.
"He's just...so amazing. He's been too good for me from the start. I hate that I fear losing him."
"So you cheat? That doesn't make any sense?"
His harsh tone made me look back up at him; his eyebrows had furrowed.
I initially shrugged with a sigh before giving an answer.
"Well it's not just that. Things are...a little difficult at the moment. I find it exciting when I get with strangers; it's so, care-free."
With that Danny abruptly started kissing me, hard, and dammit, I kinda kissed him back.
The room spun around me as our tongues began colliding, though it only lasted moments until the twinge in my stomach reminded me how wrong this was.
I pushed him back, with enough force so that we could get back to our feet.
"No! What I'm doing is one thing, but you're his fucking brother Danny!"
Without giving him another minute of my time, though enough to notice his eyes had gone wide and damp, I shoved past him and made my way back downstairs.
When I joined the others I just said Danny was taking a piss. He soon returned to the living room, where he then sat in the armchair, with his eyes glazed over.
Nothing else was ever said between us about that night other than a text from Danny the following day, saying he was sorry and had no idea what had possessed him to do it.
I didn't reply, and I let it go, deciding not to tell Jacob that Danny wasn't the hero he thought he was.
I just never had the heart to tell him, that someone he idolised had tried to betray him like that.
I always wonder if there was something going on with Danny to have made him act that way, and whether if I'd stayed would he have told me something, which may have been the reason why he wanted to kill himself.
A part of me believes that if I'd stayed that night, he would still be alive today.
And that guilt eats away at me. Every. Single. Day.
~*~
I dreaded going into work the following morning, my head was throbbing and my eyes were sore and dry.
I assumed Ethan would maybe avoid me, but as soon as I sat down at my desk, he stormed in looking a little flustered.
I tried to ask him if he was ok, but he just cut me off, sounding rather frantic.
"I'm so sorry about last night! After you left the bar, I carried on drinking, obviously got a lot more drunk that I'd realised. Please don't read into it, it was just a one-off mistake, honestly."
Poor Ethan, he looked mortified with himself, and I couldn't help but chuckle as he desperately tried to explain himself. "What? I mean it, I don't fancy you or anything, I promise."
"Ethan it's ok." I smiled. "Don't worry about it. Just as long as we're still mates, yeah?"
I didn't really care about his reasons; I knew it was out of character for him and not something he did often, but I just wanted our friendship to be unaffected by any of it.
He nodded, and his shoulders fell and he exhaled deeply, showing me he was beginning to calm down.
"If you wanna talk properly, about you and Jacob, you can ya know? I know I tried to take advantage last night, but I'm really not usually like that, honestly."
"And I believe you." I reassured him. "But yeah, we'll talk sometime, that'd be good. My heads a little messed up lately, I dread to think how Jacob must be feeling –fuck!"
"What?" Ethan asked wide-eyed.
I quickly fumbled for my phone in my pocket, bringing it out to see I had, zero messages.
"I never text Jacob last night, or even this morning -yet."
"Well text him now then." Ethan laughed. "Don't panic, it was probably good to give him that bit of space."
"Yeah suppose." I said glumly, as I stared at the blank text screen wondering what to say.
"Ask him out for a drink."
"Really?" I asked, glancing up from the screen. "Not too casual considering the situation?"
"Not at all, try and have some fun or something, lighten things up between the two of you."
I probably should have thought it through more, but I went with Ethan's suggestion nonetheless.
`Hey, I hope you're ok. I'm missing you so much. Wanna go out for a drink tonight? Around 6? I'll come pick you up from your Dad's? Xx"
My chest felt tight and my breathing turned rapid and shallow for a moment.
Please say yes, please.
I didn't want to put my phone down, I just kept staring at it, waiting all too eagerly for a response.
"Relax." I heard Ethan say as he took the phone from my hand. "Even if he says no, it doesn't mean he isn't gonna take you back."
I smiled weakly as I leaned back into my chair, not feeling convinced.
"Suppose." I muttered. "Anyway, I better start getting some work done, and you aught to do too."
"Yeah, ok." He sighed, as he put my phone on the table before leaving my office. "Laters."
Just as the door closed, vibrations rattled my desk.
I quickly picked my phone up, and before I even had chance to read the message my heart was fluttering violently.
It was from Jacob:
`Under one condition'
I hurriedly text him back asking what the condition was, desperate for him to just agree to me picking him up tonight.
My breath was suddenly caught when I read his reply though, and my body shuddered.
`We go to Hunters.'
To be continued...
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