The Silver Compass By: Sean Roberts
Author's Note: All feedback is very much appreciated. Please send to seanr_13@yahoo.ca
Black, Red, and White
They met in the parking lot of the mall but did not go inside. It was a cold, white day. Heavy and cold winds were blowing around the snow on the ground. They were standing outside Cameron's car. It was red. Cameron's beige jacket provided a sharp contrast while he was leaning against it. Michael was leaning against him; they were kissing. Michael did not care that they were in public, that people could see them. And then the kiss ended. Suddenly. Michael had pulled away.
"Cameron," he said, wondering if the name would give it away. "I can't do this anymore." He had planned to look at him but he couldn't. He was staring instead at the bright red paint lit up by the sun. "My family thinks I'm crazy and my best friend won't even talk to me. It would end sooner or later. I don't ever want it to but you know as well as I do that it's going to. And I think it would be easier to do it now." Michael glanced up at Cameron, then back at the paint.
"Well I don't. You can't just assume that it won't work out. Your family will get over it Mike. When I told Jules she did the same thing. She said that I was just imagining it, that it wasn't true, but now she doesn't care..."
"That's just your sister. You haven't told your parents. Or any of your friends. Nobody knows Cameron except for you and your sister. Everybody knows about me and nobody is willing to accept it. I'm sorry Cameron." When he turned to walk away, he felt Cameron's hand grasp his arm. But he did not turn around. He pulled his arm away and continued walking. He found his Saab at the other end of the parking lot. Smoke from his cigarettes had seeped into the leather; the smell made him want to do it. He lit one and drove home.
When Matthew left Sarah's place he returned home. He showered as quietly as possible and left the house again. He went across the city to a bar he thought looked quiet. It wasn't. There were a lot of people but he did not leave. He needed alcohol.
He started with a beer and it turned into seven. It was late when he left the bar. He told the bartender that he had not driven there, that he lived close by and would be walking. He was allowed to leave.
He had not been driving for two minutes when a light in front of him turned yellow. He thought he was close enough to the intersection to drive through it. He stepped hard on the accelerator. The light turned red as his car sped past the white lines marking the start of the intersection. Matthew did not notice the red car trying to turn left in front of him. He did not see the car turn quickly right instead of left to avoid him. He did not see the red car slam into a white one that had begun crossing the intersection.
The following morning, early, Michael burst into his brother's room. He shook him awake. Michael knew what a hang over felt like but he had no sympathy for his brother.
"What do you want?" Matthew groaned.
"I've broken up with him. You were right, Matt. You and mom and dad. I was thinking about it, and it turns out that I'm not gay. So I dumped him. I just thought I'd let you know."
He knew Sarah's parents would not be awake, it was too early. He took out Matthew's cellular phone, the one he had taken that morning from his brother's room, and called Sarah. She answered almost immediately, her voice sleepy but alert.
"I need to see you," Michael said, thankful that his voice was identical to his brother's. She opened the door for him but knew immediately, from his eyes, who he was.
"I love you," Michael said quickly.
"Michael it's too fucking early for your bullshit..."
"No, Sarah, I love you. As in actually love you. Not as a friend but the same way you love me. I'm not gay Sarah. I thought I was but...I even dumped Cameron. I'm serious." He pulled her close to him and kissed her. For the first time in her life she felt a passion in Michael she had been wanting to feel for so long. He kissed her like he used to kiss Cameron. And then it ended and she invited him inside.
"I love you too Mike," she said after closing the door. He smiled. The warmth from her voice spread through his entire body. He felt a sense of relief that he knew Cameron could never bring him.
"Have you told Matthew?" she asked after they sat down.
"Yeah. I told him this morning. Sarah, listen, there's something he did...that I can't tell you. But if he's told you already, then maybe you know why he did it. There was this one night, and I was asleep, and when I woke up..."
"Oh God Mike. Please...okay, fine, I'll tell you since the two of you are obviously never going to be able to talk about it. Just promise me though that you'll never bring it up again, I really was hoping I'd never have to think about it, it's disgusting..."
"Sarah!"
"I hate you. Fine. It's kind of hard to explain. He, well, he was trying to figure out if he was gay or not. Remember how you did it, with me? Well, it's the same concept except that he used you instead. Of course it didn't work because you're his brother and even if he was, well, he wouldn't have enjoyed what he was doing and..."
"Okay Sarah, that's enough, thanks. I don't really want to think about it either, but I haven't been able to get it out of my mind." She sighed.
"Mike, umm, are you sure about this? I mean, are you absolutely sure you're not gay?"
"Completely. When I kissed you just now Sarah, it was amazing..."
"Well what about when we, you know...how come you didn't feel anything then?"
"I don't know. I think I was confused. I mean, I did think I was gay for such a long time...and...I can't explain it."
"Then don't. Not to me at least, I understand. But Matt doesn't. The part that bothered him the most about this is that you'd never told him. The two of you are so close and..."
"That's what he's been all pissy about?"
"Well put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he didn't tell you something like that. I mean, it's a big part of who you are, and you kept him completely in the dark." Sarah stood up and began making coffee. Michael sat quietly until she returned with the steaming mugs.
"After we drink this, you should come over for breakfast. My parents would be happy to see you. Matt would too."