Will He Ever Return

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Will He Ever Return? - 1

A week has passed since my lifelong friend ghosted me. We had talked, texted or spent time at his house or mine every day up until a week ago. Our connection was instant the first day of kindergarten when he walked into class, teary eyed, scared. My baby heart latched onto his and never let go. My heart was his every grade from then until now, our Junior year of high school. We were both seventeen. About the time I turned twelve, I began to have the feelings for him that he was having for girls. As we grew older, he talked more about girls, though he never dated any. As far as I knew he never kissed any. If he had, he would have told me. We told each other everything, except there was one thing I could never tell him. I loved him. I loved him as more than a buddy. What I wanted to do with him, he would not allow. I realized that.

He consumed my thoughts. When he slept over as he had done since kindergarten, we shared our bed. As we grew into preteens, I had begged my parents for a queen bed. We never did anything in our bed other than sleeping, not even mutual jerking, though we talked about what we did when we were alone. I had seen him nude when we changed. We saw each other develop as we grew. We shared all our body's progress, except for the one thing we could not share. I felt his hardness when we wrestled and when we woke pressed against each other as I am sure he felt mine.

As we grew and became older, we still woke up wrapped together in our bed. I thought of it as our bed. He enjoyed cuddling and that was as far as we could go. After all, we had cuddled since kindergarten and now that our bodies were almost adult sized, we still cuddled whether at my house or at his house. Our parents were used to our closeness and passed it off as our being as close as brothers. No one suspected how I felt about Ralphie. Of course, I called him Ralph now. He had told me Ralphie was off-limits after that day.

We shot hoops daily, played X-Box, swam in my pool in the backyard, even swimming nude when we knew my parents were not home. I enjoyed wrestling with him at those times when we were nude. I never took it farther because I knew he was not into gays. He did not hate them. He had told me that. He told me that what we did was only two buds horsing around, like we had always done and that what we did was not gay.

Our world ended a week ago. The fault was mine. I had forgotten to jerk off before he came over. My parents were gone overnight. We had the house to ourselves. I was so stupid. I should have taken care of my needs. I was looking forward our day and night together, so I guess I forgot.

We stripped nude and jumped in the pool. After we horsed around a bit, we got out, dried off, and went inside to grab sodas. We returned to lie in the lounge chairs and soak up the sun. I had arranged my chair a bit behind his so I could have a clear view if his package. It was shaved, like mine. Our dicks were cut. I like looking at his mushroom head and his slit. He was soft and his maybe three soft inches lay in the crease between his leg and groin. His eyes were closed so I could look without being discovered. I started to get hard, like really hard. We had seen each other hard, often. I even felt him hard when we had shaved each other's sack and pubes and we pushed each other out of the way. He laughed it off. I came so hard that night in the bathroom while he slept in our bed. Now, I was so hard laying there staring at him; I knew I had to lose my boner. I jumped into the pool.

He opened his eyes and followed me, jumping in. He grabbed me from behind, his arms squeezing me. I was still hard when he did so. My mind went out to lunch as I turned and wrestled him. I know he had to feel me. We wrestled as usual eventually ending in the shallow end then flopping on the deck. We continued rolling and rubbing. I was so turned on. I felt his stiffness against my stomach. We lay front to front pressing.

When his eyes squeezed and he moaned, I lost control. I pressed my lips to his, softly. He did not pull away, but he did not kiss me back. I misinterpreted this. I began to kiss down until I reached his nipples. My tongue sucked the right then the left. He moaned. Encouraged, I kissed lower. His dick dragged across my abs then my chest. I felt wetness at his tip and, encouraged, continued.

My mouth licked his tip. He moaned and did not stop me. I continued. I licked him tasting Ralphie for the first time in our seventeen years. He was six inches when hard, nice and thin like a spear. I took him to the base, my nose in his hairless mound. He was moaning and thrusting deep in my mouth. I put my hand on myself stroking in time with his thrusts. His moans were nonstop. His head thrashed from side to side. We were so out of control. He gave me no warning only a stiffening of his entire body and a swelling of his dick in my mouth. I tasted his sperm hitting the top of my mouth. He tasted so sweet. I pushed my hardness against his stomach and let loose the strongest organism I had ever had.

I must have passed out. When I regained my senses, Ralphie was getting out of the pool. He did not look at me. He dried off and began to dress.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to go. I'll text you later."

He did not look at me as he said this.

I got up walking to him. "Ralphie, can we talk." Something was not right.

"Do not call me Ralphie, ever again."

He walked through the gate. I felt he had walked out of my life.

I gave him an hour then texted him. No response.

I texted him all night until I fell asleep crying.

The next day I drove to his house. His mother answered the door.

"He's not feeling well. He wants to be alone, Danny."

I turned and walked back to my car parked in the street. Just before I opened the door, I looked at his window. The curtain closed. He had been watching me. In the car I texted,

<Ralph?>

<Stay away, fag.>

I pushed my forehead on the steering wheel. I cried for how long I did not know. Sobs racked me. I had done what I never should have done. Still, how could he not give me a second chance? We were now each other's first, well half firsts. Twelve years, not counting the years before kindergarten, and he had ghosted me. I was lost. I had no one. My parents did not count. I did have my brother.

I gave one last look at his window. I thought I saw his face. I got mad. You can look at me. You can't talk or text. Screw what we had. It was over.

I drove carefully because my tear filled eyes had trouble focusing. The sun was setting as I parked in the lot by the river. This was a spot I had heard about. It was a gay pickup place. I thought about maybe I could meet someone. We could do the things Ralph would not give me. I could give my virginity to a stranger. I thought of gay Bill from school. Maybe I could call him and offer myself. That would show Ralph. Would he cry when he found out he would never be my first? Somehow, that made me cry again.

I watched the river. What if I got the tire jack out of the trunk, tied it to my feet and jumped in? No. I had a brother two years younger than I was. I could not do this to him. I would lose my V-card to a stranger or to gay Bill. The more I thought about the possibilities, the more I thought, gay Bill should become my choice. I texted him.

<What's up?>

<At my parent's cottage. Why?>

<Just wondered. Want to hang out?>

<Won't be back for a week. We could get together then. Why? You rarely text me. What do you want?>

<What about?>

<What day you be back?>

<Saturday.>

The week passed. I hung with Alphie, my brother. He knew something was bothering me. He knew I was gay. He did not care. We shot hoops, played X-Box and complained about our parents. He asked me once why Ralph was not over? He dropped the subject when he saw me tear up.

I did not text Ralph and he did not text me. Saturday arrived. Bill texted me that he was home. I asked him to meet me at Senors for tacos at two, He agreed.

I arrived before him. Five minutes later, he sat across from me and we ordered soft-shelled tacos and a soda.

"Okay. What's up. Why do you want to meet me? You rarely talk with me and even more rarely text. Where's your Siamese twin?"

I knew he meant Ralph. I teared up.

"Okay, tell me all about what happened. No judgement."

I told him everything. How I had loved Ralph since kindergarten and all we had not done until we finally did it, well I did it, and now he ghosted me. I told him about maybe jumping in the river, maybe having sex with a stranger, then calling him.

"Thanks a lot, Dan. I'm your third choice. Way to make me feel special. What's Ralph's number?"

"Why?"

"Two reasons. You need to talk with him to be sure you are done with him. If you are, we can date. I may be gay. I am not your hidden rebound. If we date, it will be openly. You cannot hide your attraction for me from others. If you come out, I will date you. Give me his number. I want to text him."

"What did you text him," I asked Bill when he finished texting?"

"If you hear from him, you either ask me out or tell me thanks. If you ask me out, remember my conditions."

As we left Senors, he leaned in and gave me a light kiss on my lips. It felt so good.

"Can I see you again?"

"Maybe." He smiled and walked in the direction away from the one I would take.

That night Alphie and I were on his bed side by side. Our heads lay on his pillow and our hands were clasped behind our heads. We talked more than we had ever talked in one day before. My brother was turning into a good guy for a fifteen year old. I finally broke my silence about Ralph and told him everything that happened that day and how Ralph wanted nothing to do with me.

Alphie turned on his side. His face was so close to mine. He was good looking for a younger brother.

"Dan. You are my brother and I love you so much."

` Then he put his arm around me.

"I want you to know that I do not understand how guys can be attracted to guys in that way. Sex between guys does not gross me out. I know it is about love and there are different types of love."

His hand was tracing a pattern on my bicep.

"I love you, so much. He kissed my cheek, lightly. I love you, but I do not want to fool around or have sex with you. Not just because you are my brother. If I had an attraction to guys, you would have to fight me off. I'd attack you."

I laughed. "Did you just say fight off or beat off?"

He did not move his arm from me. He stared into my eyes. I saw a tear in the corner of his eye.

"Dan," he hugged me tighter and kissed my cheek. "I love you as a brother. I am finally close to you and I will forever want this closeness. Ralph has no idea what he threw away when he threw away your love. He is a jerk. He does not deserve you. You are too good for him. Can I give you some advice?"

"Sure." I wiped my eyes and scooted so close to Alphie. I felt we were becoming one. As close as we were, I did not feel for him what I felt for Ralph. If I were truthful, I had no feelings for Bill either except that by losing my V to him, I could hurt Ralph. Alphie continued to rub my bicep then he moved to stroking my cheek. It almost felt like he wanted to make out. I turned and looked in his eyes.

"Can I kiss you," he asked softly?

He moved close, holding my cheek and put his lips to mine. Backing away, he whispered, "That was a brotherly kiss. We can do that whenever either of us wants it, only no tongue, ever."

"Aww," I moaned and kissed him for a long time. We lay there in each other's arms. I stroked his hair.

"Thanks, Alphie. What did you want to tell me before we started making out?"

"Jerk," he smiled. "I wanted to say that Bill is not the guy you need. Bill has had sex with other guys. I know this because my friends talk. Bill does anyone who will go along with him. You are the kind of guy who wants love and permanency. It's too bad you did not get that with Ralph."

I looked at Alphie stroking his hair. I cried. I did not want my brother that way. If we did anything, it would ruin our brotherly love and our friendship.

"How did you get so smart about love relationships? Someone you want to give me the details about?"

"Being with you is the closest I have ever been with anyone. I look for a girlfriend all the time. Most girls are too shallow, don't study, or want to make out with anyone wearing pants. Looks are second to personality and smarts for me."

"I'm your fallback position?"

He kissed me and untangled from me.

"Let's go get some of mom's pie."

He led the way out of the room. I looked down. I was not even chubbed.

We ate in companionable silence. He was good looking. Some girl was getting a great guy when she met him. When he fell in love, she would get the royal treatment. My phone pinged. Ralph.

<Having a fun time with your new boyfriend?>

I showed Alfie. He shrugged. I did not respond to the text.

"I might study."

He raised his eyebrow. He knew I waited for the last minute to do schoolwork.

"Okay. You know me. I might lay on my bed and think or read."

I went to our room leaving him to clean the kitchen. Being the big brother had perks. He came into our room, stared at me, grabbed his Kindle and lay on his bed. He said nothing knowing I needed to be alone in my head.

My phone pinged, Ralph.

<Were you on a date? I saw you and Bill at Senors.>

Now he was spying on me. Tomorrow was Saturday. I texted Bill.

<Want to go to the show?>

<You break it off with Ralph?>

I turned off my phone.

Mom announced dinner was ready. As we ate, dad told us we were going to grandma's and staying until Sunday. He looked at me as he told me that only the family was going. No friends. I shrugged.

Once we arrived at the farm, Alphie and I went to the barn. We loved playing with the horses. Today we saddled them and took a long ride to the upper meadow. We tethered the horses. We walked into the field of wildflowers, enjoying the smell.

Looking over the field, I felt Alphie slip his hand into mine. This felt so good standing there next to my brother. I turned to him. He pulled me to him. We were so close. His eyes were blue like the sky. I brushed his brown locks. I wished, oh how I wished. He leaned in and kissed me. I moaned.

"Oh Alfie. Don't tease me, please."

He deepened the kiss. I felt his tongue against my lips. I opened to accept its entrance. I was hard and I could feel his hardness. We rubbed, grinding against each other. He began to moan into my mouth. I responded. At this moment all I cared about was Alfie. His breath came in hard moans.

"Can I?" He asked as he put his fingers on my belt.

"Only if I can do the same."

We fumbled and stripped our pants to our ankles leaving our shirts on. I followed him to the ground. There in the field surrounded by wildflowers, we came in each other's hands.

"Alfie kissed me after we cleaned ourselves."

"I love you, Dan. So much. I am glad we did that. We have the most special bond."

I watched him. "Is this a onetime thing, Alfie?"

"I do not know Dan. I am glad we shared this. I could not do it with any other boy. I do not feel that way about boys. You are someone special. If we do it again, I am okay doing it. When I find a girlfriend or you find a boyfriend, we must stop."

"Thank you so much. Alfie."

We dressed, checking each other that we had no surprise evidence for our parents to find. We mounted and rode back to the barn.

Dinner was grandma's shepherd's pie. So good. After a family game of Yatzy, four times, Alfie and I said our good nights and made ready for bed. Yes, we slept in the same bed. Nothing happened between us during the night. In the morning, I kissed Alfie and did my bathroom thing. I left him sleeping and went down to the kitchen. Mom, dad, and grandma were drinking coffee. I joined them. They told me we would head home after breakfast. I went to wake Alfie. I kissed him awake, then punched his shoulder.

"Get up. We are leaving after breakfast."

I left him to get ready.

My phone had been off all the time we were at grandma's. I turned it on when we neared home. It blew up with text dings. Alfie looked at me. I showed him all the texts from Ralph before I deleted them.

"Maybe you should read them," he softly said.

I looked at his honest face. We were so close. Closer than most brothers.

"You might be right," I responded.

I stared at the screen. What could I text? The ball was in Ralph's court. If my brother had not comforted me in so many ways, who knew where I would be? Maybe I would seek out a stranger in the park. Maybe I would give myself to gay Bill.

I looked at Alfie and mouthed, "I love you." We smiled at each other. My heart felt full and I knew he was mine as a brother, the best of any brother anywhere.

I texted a question mark to Ralph. Then I turned off my phone.