Disclaimer: The following is a somewhat true story based on real people and events. Names have been changed and all events, while true, may not have happened in the written order.
If you are against reading about men being in love or having sex with other men, perhaps it would be best for you to read something else. If you are too young to be reading this, please go read something more appropriate. All questions and comments are appreciated and can be directed to rywielding@gmail.com.
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Enjoy!
Wielding Unbound
As I sit tapping my fingers against the steering wheel, I think about how much things have changed. Not to sound all dramatic and shit but I never imagined I'd be in this neighborhood in this part of town ready to do what exactly?
So, how'd I wind up here? A month ago, I decided to say fuck it and came out to my 15-year-old son Dex right during the middle of our second viewing of Moonlight. Just as I and my dear friend Brett suspected, Dex handled the news of my latent bisexuality like a pro. After telling my brother, his wife and my nieces, all of whom have been so unbelievably supportive, making up for lost time seemed like the next logical step.
Now don't get me wrong, talking to that hot musclebear in Dublin via Instagram is the most alive I've felt since I discovered my oldest brother's porn stash back in 1984. Having a bunch of total strangers tell me how good my ass looks in that jock (thanks Brett) and how beefy I'm getting is the craziest and hottest thing I've ever experienced in my life. But I needed something more.
That's where Tinder comes in. I could've gone the Grindr or Scruff route but what if someone I knew was on there? As Brett puts it, coming out is a slow and never-ending process and while the most important people in my life finally know the real me, I'm sure as hell not ready to be Ellen DeGeneres or Ricky Martin on the cover of People Magazine. I dunno – Tinder just seemed safer.
It didn't take long for me to be discovered by someone I knew in real life. So much for anonymity. Insert facepalm emoji.
I was finishing my shift at the gym when the message came via Facebook Messenger.
Jamie Miller: Ryan?
Jamie Miller? When was the last time I'd heard from him? My wedding? My divorce? My fingers can barely keep up as I type out a reply.
Ryan Wielding: Jamie! What's up man? How you been? It's been awhile!
Jamie and I have known each other since the mid-90s when we worked in a record store (remember those?). He was out even back then while I'd hope to meet a girl I could marry and start a family with, something that would make my very Christian parents proud. Jamie was a very attractive guy back then. Perhaps even hot though I doubt I'd had even entertained the thought in those days. And by the looks of the photos he has posted on Facebook he's still maintaining at age 50.
Jamie Miller: I'm good. Life is good. No complaints.
Ryan Wielding: Same.
I was idling in the drive-thru at the Steak and Shake when his next message came through.
Jamie Miller: I guess you're wondering why I messaged you after all these years.
Ryan Wielding: Not that I'm not happy hearing from you but yeah I am a bit curious about why you decided to hit me up. Can't even remember the last time we talked.
Jamie Miller: New Year's Eve at Lenny's. You were totally shitfaced and upset about not having anyone to kiss after the ball dropped. Of course, I volunteered. LOL.
Ryan Wielding: OMG! I don't even remember that. Did we??
Jamie Miller: LOL. You weren't that drunk and I'm not into taking advantage of poor, defenseless straight men. No matter how incredibly handsome they are.
I'm pulling into my driveway when I get another message from Jamie. I reach for my phone sitting on the passenger's seat next to my dinner.
Jamie Miller: Speaking of...was that you I saw on Tinder?
I read the last message again. And again. And again. Shit. Of course, he saw me on Tinder because Tinder is connected to my Facebook. Shit. I facepalm for real and consider telling him my social media has been hacked by some Nigerian scammer.
I think of Dex and the night I came out to him and how good it felt knowing I would no longer have to lie to the most important person in my life. Brett was right. Coming out is a never-ending process and I might as well get used to it.
Ryan Wielding: Yeah. That's me.
Jamie Miller: Oh?
Ryan Wielding: Yeah. Um – a lot has changed since we last saw each other.
Jamie Miller: Well that certainly explains a lot! Like why you tried to shove your tongue down the hot bartender's throat LOL.
Ryan Wielding: Seriously?
Jamie Miller: He didn't seem to mind."
Ryan Wielding: I seriously don't remember any of this.
Jamie Miller: How about I tell you all about it. Over coffee.
So that's how I ended up parked outside Jamie's 2-bedroom townhouse in a formerly shitty neighborhood in the throes of gentrification. My hands are clammy as my fingers bite into the flesh of the steering wheel. The seatbelt is tight against my chest as I feel my phone vibrate. I choke back stinging bile as he I look down at the screen.
Brett Harvey: Coffee emoji. Eggplant emoji. Winkyface emoji. Seriously...remember it's just coffee. Coffee with a friend. But just in case it's not just coffee I'm gonna give you my 3 rules:
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Do it because you wanna not because you feel obliged.
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Love yourself unconditionally.
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Protect your heart. Protect your body. Protect your sanity.
It suddenly dawns on me that I'm a 47-year-old divorced father who has spent the bulk of his existence placing his true feelings on the backburner. The people I care most about in the world have all given me permission to be...me. Maybe it's time I give myself permission to be me. Truth be told, I don't think I can hold all of this in for another 47 years.
Ryan Wielding: Very good advice. I think I want coffee.
Brett Harvey: Go get your coffee. Another Eggplant emoji,
I toss my phone into the glove compartment and I check my reflection in the rear-view mirror. So much has changed but I'm happy to see it's still the same old me. I look up at the townhouse and I see Jamie standing in the doorway. I push open the driver's side door and step out into a brand new world.