Why? Part 17
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
"Hello?"
"Brit?"
"Justin?"
"Were you asleep?"
"Um, YEAH. But that's okay. What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"Oh, jeez Brit, I didn't even think about time it is. I'm sorry. I guess you were asleep at 3 o'clock, huh? Sorry. I'll just go."
"Justin! Wait! I'm awake now--and you can wake me anytime. What's going on? Are you okay?"
Okay? No. I may never be okay again.
"Justin? Are you there?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Jus? Are you crying? What's wrong sweetie?"
"Hmm." I am such a baby. I can't believe I'm letting Britney hear me cry.
"Jus? What happened? Did you talk to Josh?"
"Mm-hmm."
"What happened?"
"Nuth-uth-ing." Oh God--get a grip. "But you were wrong about him. He's not like me."
"Why are you so sure?"
"Cause he was like weirded out when I told him. He said it didn't matter, but it did. I could tell it did. I'm not even going to have him as a friend anymore, Brit. Not even as a friend!"
"First, I don't believe that--even if he was acting strange, he'll be okay with it after a while. And I'm also not convinced that he's not gay. Just cause he reacted like that--it could be that he was afraid that he might have to face things about himself."
"Whatever--I just don't think he is. And I'm still afraid he won't want to be my friend anymore."
"Justin . . . just take your time. And give Josh some time. Things will be okay. Even if they aren't tonight or aren't tomorrow--they will be--and soon."
God my head hurts. My nose. I can't breathe. "I'm sorry I woke you up. I'm really sorry."
"Justin, it's okay. Are you going to be okay?"
I hate this so much--I don't want to be on the phone, and I'm scared to be alone and not on the phone. I can't stand thinking about all this. I just want to sleep. Forever.
"Justin? You know I'm right, right?"
"Sure. I know. I'm okay. I should probably go to sleep."
"Jus--what are you doing? That sounded about as convincing as nothing. You probably should go to sleep--but will you? Can you?"
"Sure. I'll be fine."
"Justin, you're worrying me. Your voice sounds weird."
"I'm okay--just have a headache. Really, I'm going to go, okay?"
"Justin, why don't you talk to Lance?"
"I will tomorrow or sometime."
"No, I mean right now."
"Oh, you want him to hate me for waking him up too?"
"He won't hate you. And I'm not sure you should be alone."
"Brit, I'm alone most of the time--I'm just a little more aware of it at the moment. More aware than usual. Don't worry about me. I'm really going to be fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Justin--please talk to Lance."
"Sure. And thanks Brit."
"You can call me anytime, Jus. But right now, are you sure you are okay?"
"Sure."
"Promise?"
"Yeah, I promise."
"Justin, I love you. You're my best friend."
"Me too. Night."
"Night sweetie."
Finally! I can't believe how long it took to get off the phone. But is this better or worse? I need to sleep . . . sleep . . . sleep. I hope I can fall asleep . . . I hope.
Why? Part 18
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
Phone? Is that the phone?
"Hello?"
"Justin--time to wake up. Time for breakfast."
"What? Who?"
"Justin--it's Lance. Get up. Come to breakfast. Or I'll get a key and come in there."
"Why are you waking me up? Do we have to be someplace?"
"Yeah, you have to be at breakfast with me and the guys. Then you have to go shopping with me."
God, my head hurts. Time? Ugh. "It's not even 8 o'clock yet! Why are you doing this to me? I didn't get to sleep very early last night."
"I know--but I still think you should get up and get going. You can always take a nap later. I don't think you should just stay in bed though. And I don't want you waking up alone later."
"Wait a minute. You saw me go into Josh's room last night, but you haven't asked what happened. And now you're talking about me not being alone--meaning you know or think you know what happened. Did you talk to Josh? What did he say?"
"I didn't talk to JC--I haven't even seen him yet this morning."
This doesn't make sense. "OH! You talked to Britney, didn't you?" I don't know if I love them or hate them.
"Um, no, of course not. Why would I call Britney?"
"CALL Britney? I said TALK to Britney. She called you didn't she?"
"Huh?"
"Lance, you may be very good at some things, but you really suck at lying."
"Thanks."
"Hey, it's sort of a compliment--you're not good at doing something bad."
"Yeah."
"So what did she say? She was all worried about me and stuff? Afraid for me to be alone?"
"Well, yeah."
Go ahead Justin--act like there's no reason for them to be worried. Let's see how well YOU can lie! God, they're just trying to help. And it seems like I really do need help. Oh great, here I go crying again.
"Justin?"
"Mmm."
"You okay?"
"Mmm."
"I'm coming in there right now!"
"No--wait--" Great. Here he comes. Jeez, how'd he get here so fast? "Okay--okay! I'm coming. . . . Hey."
"Hey. . . . I'm really sorry about last night, Justin. I mean, it's not that it sounds bad, just not great, right? I'm sure he just needs some time."
"Yeah. I'm sure that's it."
"Yeah--and you're real good at lying too!"
"Yeah." Oh here it comes again . . . Justin waterfalls.
"Hey . . . come here."
Oh, the hug feels good. Thanks Lance. If you were only Josh. Or if you only made me feel like Josh does. I'm so messed up. "Thanks." Did he even hear that? I hope so. I don't know that I can manage to say it again.
"It's okay. Justin, the rest of us love you too. Let us help, okay? Even if you don't tell Joey and Chris what's going on, you can let them help you--do things with them. Take your mind off of JC."
Nothing is going to do that. "Yeah, I guess."
"Go get a shower and then come to breakfast. Who knows--maybe JC will be there and already be acting different."
"I doubt it--about the different part, anyway."
"You want me to talk to him? I mean, since he and I both know, maybe it would be good for us to talk?"
"Not now . . . I don't want him to feel like everyone is forcing him into something, you know?"
"Yeah, I know. But come on--at least come sit with us for breakfast, okay?"
"Kay. But I gotta get a shower."
"Should I wait here or come back for you?"
"I can meet you."
"No, I don't mind; I'll come back."
You don't trust me as far as you can throw me. Guess I just have to be happy you aren't coming in the bathroom with me. "Okay. Give me like twenty, okay?"
"Deal."
Twenty years, that is. Maybe by then I'll have it together. "See ya. . . . And Lance . . . thanks."
"Sure--anytime."
Why? Part 19
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
"Huh, what?"
"Justin, you are a million miles away! What are you thinking about?"
"Sorry, Joe--don't know."
"You sleep okay?"
"Sure--no prob."
"Yeah, right! You can't sleep without Britney by your side, huh?"
Yeah, Chris--that's right. And they think you're the smart one. "Yeah, guess that's it!"
"So what's everybody doing today?" Good old Lance, changing the subject for me.
"Shopping. Maybe a movie. Right Chris?"
"Sounds good."
"What about you?"
"Not sure yet." Don't look at me like that, Lance. "Have to see how things go. But malling and seeing a movie sounds like a good possibility. What do you think Justin?"
Oh great, pull me into this--and in front of them. Look at them stare--they know I never get into these things with the whole bunch anymore. Thanks Lance! "Maybe a movie later. Not sure I want to deal with mall crowds."
"Yeah, that's true. What movie you guys going to? Maybe we could meet you there later."
"Not sure--maybe that Meet the Parents one--you know with Ben Stiller and DeNiro? Could be funny. Probably crowded though."
"That can be good and bad--stand out less if lost in a crowd."
"True that."
"And a bag of potato chips!"
These guys need to get out more--or less. Is this really what you think I need, Lance? To spend time with these--Oh God, here he is. Great. Quick glance my direction--but don't let the eyes linger. It might be misunderstood! I might think you're one of US! Or that I can convert you or something! Careful Josh!
"Hey sleepy head. Bout time you got up!"
"Yeah, what time did you get up, Joey?"
"A while ago."
"Long enough to eat about three breakfasts."
"Shut up Chris! How many did you eat?"
"Just one! You know I'm watching my weight!"
"So am I!"
"Yeah, but you're watching yours grow!"
Ha, ha, ha . . . all so funny . . . all so much fun. Lance is into it. Josh is just trying to be polite as always. Don't you glance at me--and if you do, you have to see my eyes! Cause I'm going to be looking at you. Why not? What do I have to lose?
"So, what's everyone doing today?" Go ahead, try and change the subject Josh. Or are you just wanting to know where I'll be so you can avoid me?
"We were just talking about that. Joey and Chris are going to the mall and a movie; Justin and I were talking about maybe meeting them for the movie. What about you?"
Jeez, even after all this, I'm dying to know what he's going to do. I'm wanting to know if I can do it with him. He hates me--or at least hates being around me--and I just hang on every word in hopes he'll do something I can do with him. I am a total wreck. He never wants to see me or be with me--never alone, I'm sure--and I just keep hoping . . . I am truly a mess.
"I was hoping to spend some time in the studio. There's an open studio I got Eddie to book for me. I'm heading over there in a half hour or so. Probably spend a few hours there. But you can call me on my cell and tell me when you're going to the movie--if you want."
That'll give you some time to think up an excuse as to why not to go, right? Or to claim you're in the middle of something.
"But I was hoping Justin would go to the studio with me. I was wanting to work on some stuff with him. Unless you're going to be busy with something else, Jus?"
What? Oh Christ . . . don't cry. I can't even breathe. I feel like I'm just going to fall apart. Lance? Lance stop smiling--you look like a fool. Josh? Oh God, those eyes! You look SO sincere.
"Sure." Cough--clear your throat--act like you swallowed something the wrong way--cover up.
"Cool. I'll come by your room in half an hour or so. And you guys call me this afternoon about the movie--okay?"
"Cool."
"Peace out."
And he's gone. And I'm a pile of rubble.
"Come on Justin--show me that thing in your room before you have to go."
What? Oh--I get it. Thanks Lance.
"Later guys."
"Later Lance--Justin."
Why? Part 20
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
"What's he doing? What's he want to do? Probably just have time alone with me to tell me he never wants to have to talk to me again in his life."
"Yeah, I'm sure that's it."
"You do sarcasm really well Lance."
"And you deserved it just then."
"I'm scared."
"Of something bad happening or something good?"
Huh? Oh, I get it. Good question, I guess. "I don't know."
"That's probably okay. The less you decide beforehand, the better. Just see what happens and do what feels right, you know?"
"How'd you get so smart?"
"I'm older and wiser, my son!"
"Yeah--older--a whole lot older!"
"Every day helps!"
"Thanks Lance--for just being there--and caring and stuff. Sorry I'm such a mess. And probably will be even more of one later."
"Don't worry . . . we don't have to go to the movie--if you want, we can go someplace alone--or just sit here and talk--or you can just sleep and I'll stay here in case you wake up."
"God, here I go crying again--why do I keep crying? And as much at good things as at bad!"
"You're feeling a lot--and a lot you haven't had to feel before. It takes some getting used to!"
"Did you go through this? Was I so blind and dumb to not even notice?"
"No, I didn't really go through this--or not as much. But remember, I always knew I was gay. I mean I still had to deal with it--still have to deal with it now--but at least it wasn't a surprise to me. And I didn't have a best friend I was afraid of losing. A best friend I was in love with."
"You think I'm in love with him?"
"Don't you?"
"Not sure I know what that even means."
"Me either. But I guess we know when we are . . . Anyway, whatever you want to call it, it's still a lot to deal with. And to be fair, it's a lot for JC to deal with. I don't think he saw this coming at all--talk about de Nile not just being a river in Egypt! Hello! And it might be bringing up a lot of questions he doesn't want to deal with--least not yet. I'm afraid you each have some rocky roads ahead of you. I just hope you can get to the point you let each other help with it all--instead of shutting the other one out. Maybe that's what JC's wanting to do today."
"Poor Lance--caught in the middle!"
"That's okay--I don't mind. I'll do what I can to help. You're both my friends. I can't fix it all or give you the answers, but I can try and be there for you."
"You've already done that for me. And thanks."
"No prob bob!"
Lance, you can be SO corny.
"That must be JC. You ready? Want me to let him in?"
"Um, sure--I guess I'm ready." Please God--let me be ready!
"Okay, I'll let him in and go--but call me if you need me; and I'll call you this afternoon, okay?"
"Yeah. Thanks."
"Hey JC--you guys have fun in the studio, okay?"
"Thanks Lance. See you later."
"Later, guys."