Why? Part 9
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
Only two days, but it feels strange to be back on stage. Feels like it was longer than two days.
"Hey Justin. How you feelin'? You sure you should be here?" Sweet Lance.
"Yeah, I'm great. Not sure what they pumped into me, but it seemed to have done the trick. Maybe I should get hooked up once a month."
"A little less dramatically next time, please!"
"Yeah, I guess so. What're we doing?"
"Just a sound test, I think. Unless the guys want to go over anything. JC?"
"Yeah?"
"We just doing a sound test or do we need to check anything else?"
I love to watch him in professional mode.
"Um, not sure. What about it Justin? You need to go over anything? Anything you worried about? Worried about missing?"
Gee that was nice. "No, I think I can handle it all."
"Cool. Good to have you back."
Yeah, thanks. I was only sick two days. Didn't even miss a concert. Convenient of me to get sick on the break, huh?
"Hey, you know how he is before concerts."
"Huh? What? Oh, JC? No problem. It's fine." Lance is working so hard to take care of me.
Somehow it really IS fine . . . Really fine. Maybe too fine. Like something inside has snapped and is going to protect me from all this. From JC. From caring about him. Or at least from caring about him too much. This is weird. The last week I was practically paralyzed from fear of him not caring about me or about him caring for someone else, and here I am now wondering how much I really care about him.
"Justin, can you come over and check things for 'Promise'?" Yes sir!
What happened the last couple of days? You'd think all that sitting by the bed stuff would make us closer . . . so why do I feel this distance between us? Why do his eyes look so bored. Is he just over me? Had too much of me? Does he think I'm weak somehow--can't hold my own? Can't keep up with him? Not as professional? As dedicated? Fine, JC, you can wear the crown of the most dedicated one. I'll give it to you with no contest. It's all yours. It's all all yours.
"Justin? 'Promise'?"
"YES SIR!"
Oh God . . . does everyone have to look at me? Did anyone miss that?
"I'm just trying to make sure everything is set."
"I know. Sorry. Maybe I'm more tired than I thought." Liar. Liar. Justin is a liar. Maybe we can add that little ditty to the line up.
"It's okay."
Yeah, what do you care?
But I want you to care so much . . . I really do. Please care about me.
Why? Part 10
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
"The concert went well tonight, don't you think so?"
"Huh? What?" Was Lance just talking to me?
"The concert--you know? We did a little concert tonight?"
"I'm sorry Lance. I was just thinking."
"Yeah, something you've been doing a lot of lately. I'm not convinced you should be."
"I haven't found the off switch yet. I've looked. . . . I think I'm going to tell him. I think I need to."
"Um, what? You talking about JC? Tell him what?"
"Hello? Where have you been?"
"Well, smartass, as I see it, there are two things you may be considering telling him: that you are gay and that you are in love with him. So I repeat, tell him what?"
"Sorry. I seem to be taking my lousy moods out on you--and all you do is try to help me. I'm sorry Lance. I'll try to be better."
"It's okay Justin. Don't worry about it."
"Just the first part."
"What?"
"Just the first part--just the part about being gay; not the part about him."
"Oh. Okay."
"Why? Do you think I should tell him everything?"
"No--I'm not voting on anything about this. You and only you must decide who you tell and how and when. I can't decide that--or even advise you."
Chicken. "Thanks."
"Where, when, how?"
"And why? You haven't asked that one."
"Like I said, you're the only one you need to answer the why to. It's none of my business. The where and when I'd appreciate knowing just so I don't stumble into something."
Chicken. "No problem. I'll let you know. Not sure how or when I want to do it. Have to think about it. . . . Guess it's not cool to just leave him a note, is it?"
"Up to you. It could be the way you begin, then talk to him face to face."
"Yeah . . . I have to think on this one.
Why? Part 11
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
Enough! Why do they think they have to practically knock the door down just to get my attention.
"WHAT?" How do you get this unlocked? "WHA--oh--hi JC. You sure were banging hard."
"And long. You never wake up."
"Sorry." Didn't mean to waste your precious time, sir.
"No problem."
And the reason you woke me is? "Wassup?"
"Um, we don't have to be anywhere today until like 4 . . . no sound check or anything." Yeah I think I got the routine down by now, JC. "Just wondered if you were interested in doing something." No money for the local escort service?
"Um, sure. That'd be good." Maybe I'll grow the balls to actually talk to you if we can get off someplace alone.
"Cool." You could have made that more believable--maybe half a smile? Or do only girls get those now? "Wanna meet in my room in 45? Is that long enough?"
YES! You think I'm slow or something? "Sure . . . no problem."
"Kay. See you then."
Yeah, in 45. Tell him? Don't tell him. Tell him? Don't tell him. Tell him what? Don't tell him anything. Shoot myself? Cut my wrists. Jump out the window? Only the third floor. Mess up this face? I don't think so.
I don't have time to talk on the phone . . . Mr. Perfect is waiting for me . . .
"Hello?"
"Hey Jus . . . how are you sweetie?"
"Hey Brit. I'm okay."
"Yeah, okay . . . not going into that argument today. What are you doing?"
"Just got up. JC woke me to ask if I wanted to do something today. Have to get showered and meet him in 30."
"That sounds good. I'm glad you guys are spending time together."
"Well, we'll see how it goes. I think I might tell him."
Hello? Did you hear me?
"That you love him?"
"No, just the gay part."
"Oh." Gee that was encouraging. "Hope that goes well."
"Yeah, and you really believe it will, huh? I thought before that you thought I should tell him. What changed?"
"Nothing."
"Liar. Do you know something?"
"No."
"Liar. What's going on?"
"Nothing."
"BRIT! WHAT? Please don't let me make a total ass of myself!"
"It's just that one of my dancers was talking to one of your crew guys . . . I think they are kind of together . . . " Great, I have no life and I have to hear about some dancer getting it on with one of our crew. "Anyway, he was telling the other dancers that JC is really with that Erika girl."
Breathe Justin . . . this isn't really anything new . . . you knew this . . . just breathe.
"Oh?"
Don't you DARE cry! There's nothing to cry about. You should be happy for your friend. You really shouldn't be thinking about ways to kill her.
"Sorry sweetie. Who knows if there's anything to it. I mean people think we're together all the time, you know?" Yeah, and they think I can't act. "So who knows?"
"It's okay. I need these kinds of reminders. I can't let myself get to thinkin' there might be somethin' when it's just not gonna be."
"I love you, Jus--for what it's worth."
Sweet Brit. "I love you too--and it's worth a lot to me--it really is. Don't you ever think it doesn't matter. I have to remember this--you and Lance--I need to think about friends. That's all I should be thinking about these days." Who needs real love?
"You left out Josh--no matter what else, he's your friend. He loves you as his best friend."
Yeah . . . best friend. "Which is why I should tell him about the gay thing. Best friends can't be best friends with a secret like that between them. Even if it means he doesn't want to talk to me . . . it still has to be honest."
"I admire you for that, Jus. I hope you find the right time. And I hope he remembers how much he loves you and what a wonderful friend you are."
"Thanks. And he should be happy--more pussy for him!"
"JUSTIN! I canNOT believe you said that! Yuck!!!"
Made ME laugh. "Sorry Brit . . . couldn't resist." Pain brings out my humor--at least my bad humor.
"Just keep it clean with me, Mister."
Don't worry. "I will."
"So you going to do this, huh?"
"Maybe . . . I don't even know what we're doing today."
"Okay, baby, talk to you later. You know you could call ME once in a while, right?"
Couldn't let it go, huh? Just one little guilt stab before you went. "I know--I will."
"Love you. Bye."
"You too."
Eeks--only 20 minutes left.
Why? Part 12
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.
"How'd you even know about this place? It's wonderful! I love tubing. I can't remember when I did it last! And so much better than some water park--the real river is so perfect!"
"Isn't it great? I love it too!"
"I loved the fast part, but this part just floating under the trees is even better!"
"Yeah. Me too. I love it all."
God, I love him. He's so perfect. So beautiful. So sweet. And at least for today, he's mine.
"Yeah, someone told me this place was great. She was right."
Ugh. Crash and burn. He said "she." She. Wonder who SHE is . . .
"Justin? Justin?"
"Huh? You were just floating away . . . I wasn't sure you even realized."
But you did, huh? I wish . . .
"Something wrong?"
Don't you DARE start asking me questions like that! "No . . . perfect place . . . perfect day." Perfect person to be with.
"Just . . . I know something's been bothering you. I don't know what it is, but I sure wish you'd tell me." Don't ask for things you don't want. "Wouldn't it make it better--easier--if you had help with it?"
"I'm just not ready yet." Not today. Not when he's mine. Not when it's all so perfect. Even if it's because SHE told him where we should come. I just have to be happy that I got this time with him. Have to remember that.
"Just? You're gone again."
"Sorry--I didn't mean to be. Meant to be right here." For as long as possible. Right here with you. And no one else. Just enjoy moments like these while they last. While they last. I can always tell you later.