Why

Why?

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. It contains characters whom you may assume to be real-life people, but this is fantasy and in no way is to insinuate anything about any person, living or dead.

God, please! Why do I feel like this? Why can't I just act like nothing is going on? Why? I'm praying for help--please! I can't stand how this feels--every part of my body hurts; nothing else matters. It's all too much. I try to believe that tomorrow will be better--but I can't think of anything but hurting. I don't know if I can survive.

An hour ago it was all okay. But an hour ago I wasn't alone. I didn't feel so empty. So worthless. So hopeless. Please God, I believe you can help. I believe you will . . . won't you? Please? I can't stand this.

[Ringing phone]

"Hello."

"Hey, hon, how are you?"

"I'm okay."

"Yeah, right. Tell it to someone who doesn't know you like I do." That southern accent always comes out more when we talk. But it feels good--kinda soothing.

"You do see through me a lot, don't you?"

"Hey, we're America's hottest couple, remember? We're a perfect match!"

I love her laugh. Almost got me to laugh--just hearing her laugh.

"Come on, Jus, what's going on?"

"Just lonely."

"There's more than that or you wouldn't be this upset."

"No. That's all."

"Bullshit."

"Your momma hear you talk like that?"

"Ma momma done taught me to talk like that!"

Perfect southern accent--thick as molasses.

"And it is bullshit. What's going on?"

I canNOT let myself start crying. She'll hear it. I CAN'T!

"Jus?"

"Yeah." Keep the answers quick and short--maybe she won't hear my voice.

"Jus--what's wrong?" I could imagine her face--just as anyone in America could--that concern and caring; that look she has in all those videos.

"Just lonely. Feelin' really alone."

"What's Josh doin'?"

"Why do you ask that?" Did that sound defensive?

"Cause you usually would go to him if you were feelin' down."

"Can't. Can't go to him on this one. Anyway, he's busy."

"He can't be too busy for you--he'd never be too busy for you. He loves you."

God, I almost choked on my own breath.

"You okay? What happened?"

"Nothing. Just caught something in my throat."

"Sweetie, you are the worst liar in the world. Don't EVEN try it with me! If you aren't crying, you're so close you can't breathe."

Is it wonderful or awful to have a friend that knows me this well?

"I'm sorry Brit. I just don't know how to talk about it, but I'm just so miserable. I'm sorry. Sorry to be dumping on you."

"Justin, you are one of my oldest and bestest friends in the world. I love you, and if things were different, all those newspaper stories would be true. I would be all over you all the time."

"Whadda ya mean?"

"Justin, don't make me be the first one to use the word. At least acknowledge that we both know the truth. It's so boring to play this game with you like I don't really know--like I haven't known like almost as long as I've known you."

"You know?"

"Of course."

"How? I knew I shouldn't wear those shirts--too tight. Some are even made for girls. But the wardrobe people keep pushing us. Josh does it too."

"Jus, it has nothing to do with what you wear. I've known you since you were a little kid. I just know. Don't you talk to anyone about it?"

"No! Who could I talk to about it?"

"Josh, of course! You guys deal with it obviously--but don't you talk to the other guys about it? Don't they wonder or ask about what's going on?"

"What do you mean, what's going on? And no, I've never talked about it with Josh."

"Huh? Wait a minute . . . I don't get it. How can you and Josh be together and not talk about it?"

"Together? Have you fallen off the stage too many times? We're not together!"

"But you guys are the perfect couple--you belong together. You're obviously in love--have been since MMC days. I could always tell."

"Well, you're wrong. Josh is just a friend."

"Oh . . . OH! So THAT'S what's wrong!"

I can't talk about this. I can't talk about this. I can't talk about this.

"Justin, talk to me!"

"I can't."

"You can! Justin, we've known each other forever. We're best friends. I talk to you about things I can't talk to anyone about-- I mean, you are about the only other person living through what I'm living. You always give me such great advice. Always listen and let me complain."

"This is different, Brit. It isn't work. Well, it is and it isn't. That's part of the problem. But none of it matters anyway--not now."

"Why? What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Justin, you either talk about it or you just stay miserable. Please, sweetie--talk to me. What happened? Did Josh do something? It's not about that stupid Boobie girl is it?"

"It's Bobbie, not Boobie"

"Not online it isn't!" Almost got me to laugh--but not quite.

"Bobbie's a good friend--kind of like you and me."

"So there's someone else? Someone he's with?"

"Yeah."

"What?"

"YEAH! Okay?"

"Okay. Don't rip my ear off."

"Sorry. It's just so hard to watch. I can't believe it's really happening."

"What IS happening? He isn't with one of the guys from the crew or something is he?"

"What? No. No. He's not with any 'he'--it's this new girl."

"A girl?"

"YES, a girl. You really thought he was . . . was like me?"

"Of course I did. But I also thought you guys were doing the dirty, so what do I know?"

"Well, he isn't. And we sure aren't."

"So who's the girl?"

"Erika. She sneaks in. Doesn't sneak out. He's never at group breakfasts. Probably in there screwin' in the morning too."

"You met her?"

"I seen her. Joey met her--he was talking about her at breakfast."

"So when did this start?"

"Just this week--I think. I think it first started in Boston. Now she's here in New York."

"And he just sneaks her in and doesn't even introduce her to you guys? Nice."

"Sometimes I think it's that he's trying to protect me--but I don't know. I don't know if he ever thinks about me--or has any idea what I'd do for him."

"I still don't get it--you guys have always seemed like a couple. I don't care about those sites that put Lance and Josh together. I could never see them together. But you and Josh--you ARE together--you've BEEN together--you BELONG together for life."

"We are NOT together in any form of the word."

"Yeah right. That's why the two of you spend so much time together making the group work. Making the music work. That's why he wrote songs but gave you the best parts."

"That's just how they go--how our styles are."

"And you don't think he wrote them so that would be that way? To show off your voice? To sing with you?"

"He wrote them for the group--to work for the group."

"Whatever you want to believe. I still say he loves you."

"He does . . . just not like I love him."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"WHAT? Nothing!"

"Why? Isn't it worth fighting for?"

"Hey, don't you know? No recruiting."

"Still can't use the word, huh? Do you ever? Have you ever?"

"Who am I going to say it to? Some night from the stage?"

"No, smartie ass. But don't you meet guys? Don't you and Lance talk?"

"Lance and I do NOT talk about any of this. And what Lance can get away with--getting pictures taken in gay bars and stuff--is a lot different from what I can get away with. One gay member could even help us. Two or three? Never. And especially not me. Not Josh either--but that doesn't matter since he isn't anyway."

"Yeah, right. He may not be wearin' a dress or slutting around, but he's in love with you."

"No he isn't. He just isn't. And I just want to die."

"Sweet hon, don't even talk like that. You could have anyone you wanted, you know that?"

"Maybe. But I don't want the girls who scream for me."

"What about the boys who scream about you--or write about you on line or host sites for you and stuff. There are plenty of guys that would want to rip your clothes off!"

"Yeah, great--that's just what I need. No. I have to do this for the group."

"When do you get your turn Justin?"

"Someday."

"Someday, huh?"

"Yeah. When it's all over."

"That sounds pretty sad."

"It's just the way it is." What does she want from me? Stop crying Justin! Stop crying!

"But what's going on with Josh? Is he trying to prove himself to someone? . . . Jus?"

"Yeah, I'm here. As far as I know, he's very happy with her. There's no reason to think he's gay."

"HA! That's a funny one! You are kidding right? I mean, you're his best friend! I see it. Ninety percent of the audience sees it. He may be bi--but I doubt it. And I'm really pissed that he's putting you through this. Why's he doing this? How can he just break your heart like this?"

"Cause he's straight, and he has no idea how I feel about him."

"You telling me he's deaf and blind and stupid too?"

"Brit! I love him! I've always loved him! Even before there was anything romantic about it. I just loved him. He is and has always been perfect. . . . And . . . And, I . . . "

"What Jus? I can't hear you."

"And I just always thought that one day . . . one day he'd let me know that he felt the same way. And that we'd do--you know, do whatever--together--for the first time. And now I have to face the truth--it ain't gonna happen. He has some girl and they'll be happy. And I'll never be happy in my life." God, I'm sobbing-- sobbing like such a baby.

"Oh Jus . . . I'm so sorry. I wish I was there to give you a big hug. It's awful right now, but it'll be okay, I promise."

Yeah, right . . . it'll be okay.

"Jus? You will feel better--whether it's because Josh comes to his senses or because you find someone else or because you just realize that you are a wonderful person and you should love yourself and you have so many friends who love you so much."

Why doesn't any of that mean anything to me? Why do I just feel empty and hopeless?

"Jus? Please . . . tell me you're okay. Tell me you're there, at least. Oh good, I hear something, at least. Not sure if it's sobs or giggles."

"Sorry . . . I just kind of lost it."

"That's okay. You don't have to always have it all together, you know."

"Feels like it. Feels like I'm such a loser."

"Jus . . . you are so far from being a loser."

"Have you ever felt like this, Brit? Like you were just empty and would never feel okay again? Like just ending it all would be the best thing to do?"

"Justin, don't EVEN say anything like that!"

"Yes, Mom."

"I'm serious. And yeah, I've felt something like that--maybe not as bad."

"When was that? Who was it?"

"It was a few years ago. I let myself fall for someone who was a friend, and I knew could never be anything more than that . . . but my feelings just sort of went there before I could stop them. And it hurt a lot to realize it was impossible--that what I thought I wanted so much would never be. But it hadn't gone on as long as with you and Josh, so I guess I didn't hurt as much."

"Hurt is hurt . . . none of it's fun, huh? Did I know this guy?"

"Um, yeah, Jus, you knew him."

Oh God, does she mean me? How stupid could I be?

"Oh, sorry Brit. Really sorry. If I caused you to feel anything like this, I'm really sorry."

"It's okay. And I still love you--as my best friend."

"Thanks. I wonder if I can still love Josh as a friend? Right now I can't stand the idea of being around him, but I know as soon as he walks into the room I'll just feel wonderful and everything will feel okay--until he leaves again. I'm so screwed up!"

"You have to do some thinking, Jus. And you may have to talk to him at some point. You'll just have to see how you feel about things."

"Yeah. But God, right now, I can't stand the thought of singing 'Promise' with him. What if I lose it right on stage some night, Brit?" God--that would be the end of my career.

"You won't. And if you did, you'd survive. All the little girls would love you all the more. The magazines would just think it was because you saw a picture of me with someone else. We could meet and go shopping and let them take pictures and everyone will think we made up and all is okay again."

"Yeah, right." But I am laughing now--not crying. "Thanks Brit--a lot. I'm really lucky to have you."

"Yeah, right. You're still the best, Jus--I love you, even if it isn't like the magazines say. And I always will."

"Thanks. I love you too."

A VERY PERSONAL NOTE from Storywrightr: I made a lot of good friends through my submissions to Nifty. A lot of great people read and write for Nifty. I'm afraid I've not been in touch with many of them for a while. I'm really sorry if that has been hurtful to anyone. I'm going to try and make contact again and hope that I'll be forgiven for my absence. For whatever reason, I decided that this was how I wanted to come back. Thanks for reading.