Why?

Chapter IV An Almost Commitment

I received my Master's degree in Clinical Psychology. I really wasn't interested in staring up a practice or working in a clinic. Instead I took a position in a large firm in Indianapolis, Bassingers, Inc., in their personnel department as their resident counsellor. Counselling and clinical psychology are not that far afield.

Indy wasn't too big--about the max for me. I soon found a decent apartment on the northwest side of town--easy access to the freeway and my work. Actually was told about the place by the assistant director of personnel. He had an apartment in the same complex.

So, I soon settled in. Work kept me busy, more so than I thought it would, but I didn't mind. My social life wasn't what you would call active, but I wasn't complaining.

Got a call from Ty--we always kept in contact--to tell me he was coming to Indy for a couple of days--business and personal.

Asked him if he needed a place to crash, but, he said that he was staying with relatives while there, but we sure would meet. It would be good to see him again. Hadn't seen him for about a year and a half at that point.

We met twice, once or lunch and the second time for dinner. He hadn't changed much--a bit mellower--but, that was relative. He had married and was the father of a beautiful girl! He was so proud and the child was beautiful.

I would have liked some private time with him--he wasn't avoiding it--but his schedule was too tight. The second time we met--for dinner--he brought with him his cousin, Catherine. Don't know if he was match makin, but she was a lovely, intelligent, assertive young attorney, and we hit it off.

As we parted that night, Ty said slyly, "Careful man, she's a tiger!"

"Like her cousin?" I jibed.

"Hah!" was all he said as he punched my arm playfully.

Catherine and I had exchanged numbers and met the next week for dinner. Things progressed rather rapidly and we were soon . . . lovers, of sorts.

Catherine was as accomplished as Delphine had been. The difference was that by then I too had attained a degree of technical proficiency--in bed! One of the things that I really loved about her was her complete lack of cover-up! Catherine was totally open! She was incredibly verbal while making love--that was always a turn on for me--and she wasn't afraid to experiment.

She also had a biting sense of humor as well. Several times, while making love, she would blurt out something crazy and we both would be consumed with gales of laughter. Of course that would frequently cause my cock to deflate.

At that time she would say, "What's the matter? White boy can't keep it up?"

Of course I would quickly rise to the occasion and retort, "Mmmm! As good as any of your black studs!" At which time I would fuck her vigorously. She loved that! Come to think of it, I loved it too!

However, there was one thing that affected me from time to time! She was insatiable! But, I had developed into a cunnilingus expert--of sorts--and fifteen or twenty minutes of my agile tongue would reduced her a quivering mass! That usually kept her quiet 'til the next day!

I remember the time she brought a dildo over. She had entered my apartment, gave me the usual kiss and disappeared into my bedroom. I entered a few minutes later to find her, naked, spread-eagled on my bed slipping the pink toy in and out of her pussy! She had the most devilish smirk!

I ripped my clothes, bounded on the bed and said, "I can do that better!" I did!

Later as we lay there she got aroused again and pretended she was going to shove that thing up my ass! Now, it wasn't one of those obscenely big ones--just normal.

I had teased her, "Couldn't you find a black one big enough?"

She chortled and replied, "Sure, but I didn't want to give you an inferiority complex!?

"Does this look inferior?" I demanded as I clutched my hard cock!

She smiled, "Not to me!" and she added, "You want to feel it?"

"Not particularly," I answered.

"Come on, Brad! Let me slip it in!"

Now we had talked about a lot of things over the weeks. As I said, Catherine was incredibly open. We had talked about the former lovers--making the obvious comparisons. She had once told me that she had participated in several same-sex get-togethers. I admitted the same thing. We both were non-judgemental about these experiences. Of course, I used no names, neither did she. If she were aware of Ty's bisexuality, she never let on, nor did I!

I had even told her about the Dane experience and the later experience with the Prof. She quietly asked various questions about my feelings and sensations--nothing lascivious in her questioning. I did the same. We had come to understand, and appreciate each other.

Then she bent over and began to suck my cock! She was a true virtuoso! At the same time she slathered my ass with KY and began to finger me! Early on, she found that action really got me hot! I was moaning and telling her how good she made me feel.

Then I felt the dildo being brought to bear. I was so hot by then, I didn't care. Slowly she inserted it and continued to suck me as she toy-fucked my ass!

"Oh, gawd! Catherine!" I yelled as she shoved that thing deeper and deeper.

She expertly manipulated that thing in my ass! Popping off my cock she asked, "You rather I had a cock than a pussy?"

I sat up, grabbed the dildo, threw it across the room, rolled her onto her back and slid my cock into her hot cunt! She loved to be fucked that way! Gotta say, that time we fucked--fucked like animals. Guess I answered that question!

Don't know what happened. We enjoyed many of the same things, talked a lot, made love a lot. But . . . after a year and a half things kinda went stale. There were no fights, no recriminations--but we parted. We still talk to each other. But lovers? No more! We have even talked about the reason for the parting--to no avail. Guess it was just not to be!

A year later, I was in a local pub, The Shamrock--on the way home--and Jess Elliot, the assistant director of personnel who lives in the same complex was there too. I had a quick beer and went to the john, took the end urinal and was pissing when this guy came in and went to the middle one. He stood away from the urinal, flopped out his dong--I mean FLOPPED IT OUT, it was record-breakingly long, and soft--and pissed. I tried not to stare, but . . . . damn!

Jess came in before either of us were finished and stood at the other end! Could hear him pissing!

I finished first, Washed my hands and went back to the bar! A minute later Jess returned and took his stool, next to mine!

"Damn!" he exploded. "Did you see that guy?"

"Yeah," I admitted, and added, "Pretty impressive!"

"Impressive? Impressive! Hell it was . . . a monster!"

We both laughed. Guys generally scope out the competition at the johns, generally pretty discretely! But, this guy was worth a second glance--just to confirm that it wasn't an illusion or a hallucination!

"Bet his wife gets worn out easily with that thing," I commented with a snort.

"Yeah! If he has a woman!" Jess commented.

Now I wondered what he meant by that? He had a habit of making open ended comments. Then I merely thought, "Strange comment."

A minute or so later, 'Hose'--the name Jess baptized him with--re-entered and sat at the other end of the bar. Both Jess and I glanced at him. He smiled and nodded--a friendly nod.

Over the two years or so that I had worked at Bassingers, Jess had made a few comments that I though could be taken two ways. Nothing I could put my finger on then. Actually I had merely put them aside, but now I can see that there was a pattern. Discrete, but a pattern nonetheless.

I was a week later at the Shamrock, a Friday that I stopped in. The week had been particularly chaotic and Friday was a doozie! I decided to forego my usual beer and ordered a double Chopin Martini. I was on my second one when Jess walked in!

"See you're hitting it heavy tonight," he commented lightly.

"Yeah . . . a rough week . . . a rougher Friday!"

"Happens . . . "

"Mmmm, glad not too often though!"

I was finishing my second drink and Jess was half way through his first when the bartender set two fresh drinks in front of us. "Compliments of the guy at the table over there," he said with a nod to the left.

Both Jess and I turned. There sat 'Hose!' He smiled and nodded a greeting. I nodded back and turned back to the bar.

"You know him?" Jess asked.

"No, I was just going to ask you the same question." I was a bit incredulous.

"Mmmm! Strange,"

"Or . . . friendly," I offered.

We ordered some 'nachos' and continued to talk about the week. Needed something in my stomach. I gingerly sipped my third drink as I said to myself, "Be careful!" Two were generally my limit. I had a short drive, but also knew the police were usually out in force patrolling Friday and Saturday nights. They were notorious, and rightly so, in their D.W.I. arrests. "Be careful!"

A few minutes went by and I felt the call of nature. Quickly went the the john and started to piss. Someone entered the room shortly after me. It was 'Hose!' But instead of taking the center urinal, he took the one right next to me and flopped that thing out!

Luckily I had already started to piss, so I continued my chore. But I could see, peripherally, that he wasn't urinating. He was fondling that impressive thing. An obvious invitation!

I finished, zipped up my pants, stole a furtive glance at that big cock and glanced up at 'Hose' He winked. He winked at me! Then he obviously looked down at his growing cock. I walked to the sink, washed my hands and left, but not without another glance in his direction. He was looking at me, smiling and jacking his hard cock! Damn!

Jess must have seen 'Hose' walk into the john after me, 'cause he asked, "Anything interesting?"

"Not really," I said dryly.

"Mmmmm! Saw 'Hose' follow you--thought he was going to make a play for you," he said with a smirk.

"He did," I admitted.

"Really?"

"Yeah! He stood next to me and started playing with himself!"

"Damn! Some guys get all the luck," he snorted and laughed.

"Yeah?" I said an added with some humor, "Well if you hurry . . . he's still in there . . . Maybe you can get lucky!"

"Naw, don't think I could handle it!" he snorted again.

I downed my drink a bit faster than I intended. The three Chopin Martinis were now making me a bit light headed. The apartment was just a few blocks away, but still . . . .

I turned to Jess who was on his second scotch and soda and asked, "Hey, man, would you mind taking me home? Think I shouldn't have had that third one."

"Sure, Brad, you wanna go now?"

"Do you mind?" I asked.

"Naw, I'm finished anyway. Lets go"

As we left I told the manager that I was leaving my car in the lot overnight. I would pick up my car in the morning. No problem there since I had done it once before. The Shamrock would frequently call a taxi for a patron who obviously shouldn't drive. That was a gratis service for them.

I walked with a non-too-steady gait to Jess' car, got in, leaned back against the headrest and was lulled into a near sleep as we drove the few blocks to our apartment complex.

I wasn't aware of the car stopping, or even of Jess calling my name, but I felt his hand as he gently shook my leg--ostensibly to waken me. Then I felt it as it moved towards my crotch. I wasn't aroused at the time, but his movement sparked a certain swelling in my briefs. I felt the warmth of his hand through the layers of fabric and my confined cock strove to become erect. Then he began to knead me.

I lifted my head, opened my eyes and asked, "Are we here?"

Jess' hand froze, then he quickly removed it.

I looked quizzically at him.

"Sorry," he stammered and put both hands on the wheel.

"Mmmm," was my only reply as I got out of the car.

One thing I now know, alcohol either unlocks my libido, or causes an acceptance of things sexual. It wasn't that I had developed an interest in Jess, it wasn't from the earlier exhibition of 'Hose.' it wasn't because my sex life had been dormant since Catherine, that I 'allowed' his advance. I must admit it is probably because I am a passionate being by nature. I must admit it is probably because I enjoy sex--both with men and women. I must admit it was probably because I was a bit too high.

The fact that Jess groped me was of some interest. I have never categorized people knowingly. I have never been particularly interested in a person's sexual preference. In the few years that I had known Jess, there was never a hint of his . . . . interest, his inclination. Not that it would have made any difference.

We had been colleagues at Bassingers. I found him a competent, even a concerned professional. We were not friends--that's a term I use sparingly--but we were more than mere acquaintances. We talked frequently, but infrequently of personal matters.

I let myself into my apartment and immediately took off my shirt and singlet dropping them in the entryway. I mused over Jess' actions when there was a knock on the door. I turned, opened the door and was faced with a concerned Jess.

"Brad . . . . I'm sorry . . . " he stammered, and continued "I have to tell you that. . . ." He was obviously upset.

"Don't be . . . I'm not," I answered, trying to dispel his worry.

He stared at me, baffled.

"It's OK, Jess . . ." I tried to allay his concern. "Don's stand there . . . come in."

He stepped in, I closed the door.

"I don't know why I did that!"

"Of course you do," I said to myself, and then added, out loud, "Really?"

I was later to find out that part of Jess' concern was that if I violently objected, it could affect his position with Bassingers. Bassingers was an equal opportunity employer and accepted employees who had same sex unions. However, they were adamantly opposed to unwanted or inappropriate sexual advances or harassment.

"I'm sorry . . . " he chocked out again.

Again, I answered, "I'm not."

He appeared incredulous, baffled and in emotional turmoil--even agony! I stepped up to him and enfolded him in my arms and hugged him. I did so merely to help allay his concern. The fact that I was bare chested at that point added to my action. He gasped.

Then, softly I said, "Jess, I'm not sorry . . . because . . . because . . . your hand felt good!"

Well, that statement opened the flood gates. Jess confessed that he had had a crush on me since I started at Bassingers. But, my association with Catherine and my ignoring of most of his pointed remarks convinced him that I was totally hetero.

His obvious distress coupled with his open confession filled me with warmth. I must admit that in those few moments my appreciation of Jess had shifted.

Then I pulled back and kissed him lightly . . . on the lips.

"Umph," he groaned in disbelief.

Then he lifted his arms which until that point merely hung, limply at his side, wrapped them around my chest and kissed me. Not as lightly as I had done, but not a probing one either.

He pulled back and I smiled at him and said, "See?"

We kissed again, long, probing and passionate. We pulled away, breathless. I guess I had communicated all that he had wanted as Jess sunk to his knees, undid my pants and in one easy, practiced movement slid my pants and briefs down to my ankles and sucked my half-hard cock into his mouth!

"Ahhh!" I groaned as he began to give me a frenetic suck-job! I thrust my hips forward and just stood there, looking down as my cock appeared and disappeared into his bobbing lips!

Usually I'm not a passive participant. But, this time I was. Maybe it was the alcohol, but I gained as much pleasure from watching as I did from the feel of his hot, moist mouth.

Again, "Ahhh!" and, again! Damn! It was so nice! I was quickly approaching the edge of release. Then I pulled out of his suctioning, pistoning mouth, reached down, stepped out of my pants and briefs, lifted Jess up and stated, "Come on!" I led the way to my bedroom.

"Strip," I demanded and Jess quickly complied. I laid on the bed an he soon joined me. We kissed, again long and probing before we torqued out bodies and ended in the desired soixante-neuf position.

Jess was about my height and build--in every way. Unlike Ty and the Prof, Jess was circumcised. He had a large, flaring, mushroom-like cock-head--in truth, he was a real mouthful! He obviously worked out as his body was firm and taunt. He possessed a light dusting of hair across his chest, belly and a real bush 'round his cock, as well as hairy legs and a fuzzy butt.

Jess was unique, in a way. There was nothing about him physically that could be described as 'outstanding.' But the sum of his bodily parts coupled with his quick mind, wit and conscientiousness produced quite a positive package! I guess that's what really attracted me to him.

We sucked avidly for long minutes. Suddenly, Jess lifted of me, turned and sat on the bed facing at me. His countenance was serious and there was a degree of concern in his eyes.

"When was the last time you had a blood test?" he asked in a low, direct voice.

"Last month, " I answered. We had yearly physicals at Bassingers--a requirement--and complete blood work was done. Then it dawned on me! "Oh! I am negative!"

Obvious relief spread across his face. Then in hurried phrases, "Oh, Good . . . . I needed to know . . . . I am too . . . . " then the declaration, "I want you to fuck me, Brad . . . . I want to feel you cum in me . . . ."

I smiled broadly. "Damn! For a slow starter . . . . You sure move to the chase without hesitation!"

He smiled too. "But, you don't know . . . . I had wanted this for so long . . . . I just can't wait!"

I sat up, took his face in my hands, and kissed him. Then I gently laid him back onto the bed, reached into my bedside able and extracted a used tube of KY. Slowly I moved between his legs as I gazed into his smiling face. I bent down and returned to sucking his cock.

"Ahhhh!" he gasped, partly in expectation.

As I sucked his cock, I deposited a dollop of lube on my fingers and slathered it over his tight, puckered hole.

"Ahhhh!"

Still sucking him, I slipped a finger, gently in.

"Oh! Gawd!" he gasped in pleasure as he spread his legs further, flexed his knees and rolled his hips upward.

I began to slowly finger-fuck his tight hole.

"Oh, Damn!That feels so good!" he breathed.

Deeper and deeper, faster and faster my finger probed. I lifted off his cock, grabbed a pillow and forced it under his hips--raising his ass. Carefully, I inserted another finger and continued my movement.

"Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh!" as I probed again and again.

Glancing up to his face and down to watch my fingers disappearing into his hot fuck-tunnel, I revealed in both the feel and the sight.

"Your ass is so tight . . . and hot, Jess!"

"Oh! Gawd! Brad . . . . I want you!"

"Mmmmm! You want my hard cock in ur hole?"

"Oh, yes! Do it, Brad . . . . Fuck me now!"

I removed my fucking fingers from his relaxing hole, squeezed more KY on them and covered my throbbing cock. I crabbed up between his raised and spread thighs, took my hard dick and rubbed my reddened, swollen cock-head against his hole.

"Oh! Gawd! DO IT!" he almost shouted.

I pressed against his sphincter--simultaneously Jess bore down. Suddenly his muscled gate gave way and my head popped in!

"Ahhhh!" we both groaned from that delicious sensation of primary entry!

I held that position for a few moments 'til I felt him bearing down again. I slid in further and waited and finally slid all the way up his steamy fuck-tunnel. Slowly I began to slide in and out. My gaze shifted from his pleasure glazed eyes to my cock as it pushed in and withdrew from Jess' tight ass. I marvelled as my cock fucked that stretched hole!

As I look back now--that was a truly memorable fuck! Twice I approached the brink of release and stopped--taking deep breaths--composing myself--preparing for another onslaught! We bother were verbal and deep, heartfelt groans punctuated our sport. The third time I approached release I was about to back off when Jess' sphincter began to spasm.

"Oh, My Gawd! I'm CUUMMIIIING!" he screamed.

And, indeed, he was! I had heard of spontaneous ejaculations--ejaculating with out physical contact with the cock. Jess had not been playing with his cock as I fucked him, neither had I. As he made that pronouncement, I looked down and say a river of cum spew from his cock. And, the was his spasming ass-hole.

"Argh, Arghhh. ARGHHH!" I yelled as I was catapulted over the edge. My orgasm was so strong, so violent that it left me breathless.

Jess was moaning in the delight of our mutual release!

I fell forward onto his chest. His legs encircled my waist and held me firm--imbedded. We kissed softly.

Thus locked we rolled to our sides and fell asleep!

To use the common vernacular, I guess I could be pigeonholed as a 'versatile top.' Jess was too! His desires that first night and his automatic release had fostered several sessions in which he assumed the passive role. 'Passive' is not really accurate term in describing Jess in any sexual role he assumes. However, for the first three or four times we made love, Jess wanted me to fuck him.

Then came the night when the roles were reversed. He knew of my high school experience, and, I must say, he was as gentle as he was understanding. Jess was an accomplished lover, at least I found him so. But then, when two people are as attuned as we were, one would assume as much. We soon knew those private places and/or touches which brought maximum sensations, and we utilized that knowledge in various ways. So, when hat night came, I was prepared physically and emotionally.

Nonetheless, I had some trepidation. Jess was fairly well endowed, more so than George. I must admit I was a bit anxious. We had spent a long time in foreplay, which we both enjoyed.

Then he suggested, "Sit . . . on my cock," as he rolled onto his back.

I looked at that substantial erection. I must admit, the thought had crossed my mind a few times in that past week.

"Are you afraid?" he asked concerned.

"No," I answered in a half lie!

He had been fingering me while we were sixty-nining--I loved that. So I was somewhat prepared. I reached for the KY, slathered his rigid throbbing pole with a liberal amount and also anointed by quivering hole.

Slowly, I straddled his hips, reached around, grasped his throbbing dick and lowered myself 'til I was in contact with his cock-head. I took several deep breaths--a technique George taught me--and lowered myself a bit further. There was a pressure against my sphinctered hole. I fought to relax--then his head popped in!

"Ahhh!" I gasped.

"You all right?"

"Yeah . . . I am."

Well that was not altogether true. Jess was bigger than George and the invasion, although not unexpected, was considerable--at least, in my book. I fought the discomfort, took another deep breath, tried to relax and bore down further.

"Damn!" Jess gasped.

"What?"

"It feels so good!"

"Yeah, it does." My discomfort had slackened considerably. I sat down all the way--feeling it slide in 'til my balls nestled in his cock-hairs.

"Mmmmm!" I moaned.

"Damn, Brad," he declared, "I never thought I would be doing this with you."

I was now completely accustomed to Jess' cock in me. A warm sensation infused my being.

"Why?"

I was impaled!

He smiled. "Well . . . " he began, "I thought . . . you would be too . . . macho to let me fuck you."

"What gave you that idea?" I queried.

He grinned, "Well . . . you were so fantastic so far . . . . fuckin me . . . so accomplished . . . I never thought you would ever bottom. And, besides you were . . . pretty thick with Catherine."

I smiled. I let the Catherine reference slip by, but stated, "Macho and bottoming are not mutually exclusive!"

I began to raise and lower my self on his turgid tool with more and more force.

"Yeah . . . " he answered, quietly concentrating, "I see that . . . now!"

What ever compunction I may have had about a cock in my ass, was initially modified by George. It was completely neutralized by Jess!

I learned to enjoy that part of my sexuality--even yearn for it from time to time. As our relationship progressed, I tended to be the initiator, the top more than Jess. That is not to say that he was never the aggressor! But, it just worked out that way to our mutual satisfaction and delight.

In the job, in my social life, I tended to be more forward, more assertive. On the other hand, Jess tended to be more laid back. Don't get me wrong, Jess was not 'queenie' in the least! Just . . . laid back. When he was the initiator--he propelled me through a phenomenal maze of delight. I would be breathless!

As our relationship progressed, we got together not just on weekends, but more and more during the week as well. We joined at either his apartment or mine--which ever seemed most convenient at the time.

But there was one time that we didn't make it to the apartment. We had decided to spend the weekend at one of the state parks, The Run. It had a small hotel, adequate dining room and miles of trails in some of the most spectacular scenery in Indiana. Late Saturday afternoon, we decided to take a trail the led through the woods, a deep ravine and over some impressive rock formations.

At one point Jess was leading the way. We both were wearing walking shorts and polo shirts. As he walked in front of me, I couldn't help but gaze at his firm, muscular ass and we labored along. At one point I reached and cupped his buns--they were so inviting!

"Careful, man!" he commented, "You may get more than you bargained for," and he chuckled as he stopped.

"Mmmmm! And what might that be?" I continued to fondle his buns.

He turned and kissed me deeply and dropped his hand to my crotch!

There, deep in the woods, in the shelter of the boulders we kissed. Within seconds, things began to spiral out-of-control. He unzipped my shorts, knelt and soon had my cock in his mouth!

"Ahhhh!" I moaned. He was fantastic. Soon my hips began to probe forwards and backwards as I fucked his mouth. Then he pulled off.

"I want you, Brad!"

"I want you, Jess!"

"I want you . . . . now . . . ." Then he added, hoarsely, "In my ass!"

I wanted him too!

"Let's go back," I suggested.

"NO! . . . . I want you NOW!" That said, he stood up, dropped his shorts, turned and bent over. He deposited a dollop of saliva on his fingers and rubbed it on his tight, quivering hole.

Now, I have never had sex out-of-doors up to that time with a guy--had a few times with Delphine. I'm not especially prudish! I have always looked up sex as a natural response. But, I too have felt that it was a private thing between two people. With his appealing ass, bared and offered, the temptation was too much. I grasped his hips, stepped forward and slid my already wet cock into his tight hole.

It was glorious! Maybe it was the out-of-doors! Maybe it was the smell of the pine and the must of the forest! Maybe it was simply the unique locale.

I began to fuck him deeper and faster. I lost control and became a pistoning machine! I loved to look down and watch my swollen cock slide in and out his tight hole. I loved the way that muscled opening stretched outward as I drew back--stretched wide.

I watched as my cock-head slipped out, his hole snapping shut and the incredible sensation as I popped it back in again. I would repeat that action three or four times . . . . pop . . . pop . . . pop, and then plunge all the way in. It was glorious. I knew Jess loved that procedure too as he always groaned loudly and urged me on!

Jess also had incredible control over his ass muscles. Those times when I popped my cock-head in, he would constrict his muscle causing cosmic surges to run through me. And, when I shot off deep in him and remained, his ass would spasm as he came too. On those times he did not cum he could perform the same tremulous sensations . . . those contractions.

Jess was truly marvellous in bed. And, I now know that we raised each other to flaming heights through our mutual passion. We both grew in that respect.

"Arghhh!" I groaned as I finally shot my pearly discharge deep in him.

Impaled and impaling--we stood for a short time, thus joined. Then Jess Stepped away, turned and gave me one of the sweetest kisses.

"That was . . . awesome," he stated.

"Yeah," I replied, then added, "You cum?"

"Nope," came the simple reply and a smile. Then he added, "But I will later . . . I promise!" That said, he winked and pulled up his shorts. I followed suit.

I was not to know 'til much later, that our coupling there midst the boulders and pines was not completely private, or unobserved. We had, inadvertently, been watched.

That evening, as we were finishing our dinner and sipping a cup of coffee, I glanced past Jess. Behind him, sitting at a table alone was this guy. He winked and smiled. I quickly glanced away.

"Wonder who he is?" I thought! "Was he trying to pick me or us up?" I mused. "Naw," I answered myself, "Just a friendly guy." However, I avoided any more eye contact.

That night, Jess made good his promise. I had learned, by degrees to enjoy anal sex. However, I always needed adequate emotional and physical preparation. He prepared me and drilled me with passion. It was memorable! I had been suitably primed.

I remember one time, Jess came into the shower with me and started to probe my ass cheeks with his considerable erection. Old visions, relicts returned and I told him sharply to stop. Later, I explained and Jess understood. I was not to be taken in that manner!

A month or so after our excursion to The Run, on a quiet weekend together, Jess said, "Ya know, we have been spending so much time together lately--either at my apartment or here--we should consider combining households. What do you think?"

To say the least, I was not prepared for that suggestion. I had enjoyed, even depended upon Jess' being there . . . . but . . . !

"You mean move in together?"

"Yeah . . . . makes sense! Doesn't it?"

"Mmmmm," was my only reply.

To say that I had no feeling for Jess was untrue. To say that I had not developed an attachment was also untrue. But, to say that I had developed a yearning to formalize our . . . association by moving in together was further untrue.

Inwardly, I panicked.

"You don't seem too keen . . . about my suggestion!" He observed,

That was true.

"It's just that I haven't considered it."

"Do you want to consider it?"

"I don't know."

I didn't mean to be evasive at the time. Yet I was. I could see that it hurt Jess.

Weeks before, after a particularly romantic evening and a passionate coupling, we lay in each other's arms. At that time Jess declared that he thought that he was falling in love with me. I found his declaration warming. But, it brought back memories of Catherine stating the same sentiment. How I panicked then.

'Til that time, I had never told anyone that I loved them. To me such a declaration was tantamount to a commitment. Or, at least, inferred a commitment.

I had felt that too many people said, "I love you," too casually--often in the heat of passion, when their juices were boiling! I remember, one of my college amorata stated, "I love you," when she really should have declared, "I love how you fuck me!" To say, "I love you," ought not to be bandied about so flippantly.

"Brad, can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," I answered, dreading the question.

Jess looked me straight in the eye and asked quietly, "Do you love me?"

I should have known! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! Still, I was not prepared to answer. I looked at him and almost sotto voce stated, "I don't know."

The look in Jess' eyes cut me to the quick. His eyes moistened.

Then, as if to quell the tide, I stated, "You must know the I'm . . . . very fond of you."

Damn! That was probably the most stupid thing I had ever said! Fond! Fond? What the hell does that mean? I'm fond of french fries! I was fond of the old collie I had as a kid. I am fond of a juicy, rare steak!

Then quickly, "That's not true . . . the 'fond' thing. Jess . . . . you have come to be an important part of my life that I really cherish!"

Ah! Shit! Did I love him? I suppose I did, but for some unexplainable reason, I could not verbalize it. I look back on that evening, those months past, and regret my inability to come to grips with my emotions--my life at that time.

He laid back, I turned off the bedside light and it was a long time before I went to sleep.

Three weeks after that night, while Jeff and I were at lunch, he said, "Brad, I have something to tell you."

I braced myself. Our life together had been . . . . strained since that evening. We came together regularly, but much of the verve that we had experienced earlier was missing.

"I have been offered a position with Bassingers, Seattle branch, and have decided to accept."

"Oh!" was my only reply.

I was dismayed. The thought of Jess leaving hit me like a ton of bricks! Already, I felt deprived of an important segment of my being. Yet, I understood his action. My inability to confirm what I now know was unacceptable to him.

Jess was not a possessive person. He was not demanding. He was not a vindictive man. But, he had a degree of pride and self respect. I suspect that he felt that to continue in our relationship with his declared feelings might have been futile. He wasn't prepared to be a mere fuck-buddy!

Jess was to come over to my place that night. I took special pains in getting those special things I knew he liked for dinner . . . . even two bottles of wine, rather than the usual one. Later, as I enfolded him in my arms, I spared nothing in arousing him and even yearned for him to enter me. He did, gently, passionately in long sweeping movements.

As I lay on my back, legs wrapped around his waist, I experienced a singular orgasm. From his movements and groans, I could tell he did too. There in the half light, unaccustomed tears rolled down my cheeks.

Clutching him to me, I said, "I'm missing you already." My voice broke and quiet sobs wracked my body. I could feel the same reaction in him. We held each other for long minutes. We melded in ways not experienced before. Why?

The evening before he left he came over. We did not make love. Our mood would have precluded any passion. However, at one point during the evening of quiet conversation Jess declared, "Brad, my sweet man . . . . you must . . . recognize the fact . . . that . . . you have trouble admitting your feelings . . . . trouble committing."

"Yeah, I know."

The fact was I didn't know! But, his statement cut to the heart of things. I wanted to say, "Jess, I think I love you! Don't go!" But, that would have been wrong at that point--intolerable, petty and self serving. Why?