Chapter Two: Old Habits
I opened my apartment door and it. Was. Bliss. The place had a new air, a new feel, just like how I felt when I first moved in. The serene silence bathed me in happiness and I fell in love with the place all over again.
I was almost euphoric, taking a shower without the pulsing bass echoing through the bathroom and tucking myself into bed without my ears ringing. I had a huge smile on my face I simply couldn't get rid of. I could still just about hear them chatting and laughing if I strained my ears, but they kept their promise and the music was off and they were significantly quieter. I was so thankful of them in my mind, almost worshipped them in that moment for helping me out and letting me sleep.
As I laid in bed I sat reflecting on the most impactful night of my life so far. Being able to see behind the curtain was fascinating, it was another planet, completely unlike any environment I'd been in before. Maybe they were right I should try and have more fun. And I hope they were having fun now even though I almost ruined it.
Before settling down for the best sleep I'd had for the last few weeks, I laid there thinking of what they were talking about right now, were they talking about me? I wished they were in a perverse way. Maybe how they thought I was okay in the end, and how I could actually be fun or I could be their friend. God what a loser I was. They probably forgot I existed as soon as that door slammed.
And then it dawned on me, during my slutty teenage years I'd never slept with a black guy. Never even thought about it at the time. Until that moment, sharing the same space as that giant friend it hit me how immasculated I felt, a feeling I'd chased constantly back then. To be dominated by real men, if these weren't the definition of real men then I didn't know who was.
But I also hated them. They made my life a misery for weeks, and yet now they were my saviours, I didn't know how to feel.
Feeling a little restless as my mind wandered I thought to watch a little porn to take the edge off, maybe a quick orgasm will settle me and help equalise my thinking.
I reached for my MacBook and with a sigh of a little self disappointment I loaded up one of my trusty sites. I immediately skipped past any of the straight categories, I admitted immediate defeat and added /gay to the URL without question. No point pretending like the vanilla stuff was going to satisfy this itch, not after the night I had.
Tonight was bringing out old habits, I thought, and maybe if I satisfy them, give into them I'll get it out of my system and set my thinking straight again.
As if by divine intervention the first row of videos was interracial. C'mon. I scoffed at the irony of this and went scrolling down. I scrolled and scrolled and none of those thumbnails were connecting, there's no point in denying the pure curiosity of those first few were as appealing as anything I'd seen recently. I scrolled back up defeated and was suddenly transfixed, how white the skin was of the young guy, how dark the muscle were pounding into the back of him. Or how big and black the balls were which slammed into his pretty white chin.
I clicked through. Of course I did. I was transfixed, the role play was pretty cliche but pretty undeniable. It was a white boy pretending to be a girl on the side of the road and picked up by a load of black men. I opened a new tab and clicked on the second thumbnail, a white boy is lost on the ghetto and knocks on a door asking for directions. I skip through to about half way through the video and there was the image that my mind race. The boy was completely naked and was being spit roasted by two massive black guys. Grunting over the boy, slapping him around, calling him names. The degradation of it sent my mind racing.
Almost by instinct and certainly without even realising it, while I watching the video my hand had moved it's way down my back and my fingers were softly circling my asshole. My dick was as soft as it ever was, and for good reason. My dick doesn't deserve to be having fun right now, just like this stupid white boy, it's my cute little boy pussy that needs attention.
If I'm going to do this I need to do it properly, I thought, no half measures. Face down to the side watching the video, ass up and three fingers deep I was giving my asshole A workout it hadn't had in a while. Fuck I forgot how good this feels.
After a little more searching I found the perfect video, it was a little way down in the solo male category and hit every single button. "Aggressive Prisoner talks down to his white bitch". All it was was a big black guy with a huge black cock looking in the camera pretending that he was talking to a stupid white boy who's his room mate in prison. And how that boy was going to suck his dick, shave like a girl, get fucked like a girl and be fucked by all his friends in the showers. For five minutes of pure bliss I was that stupid white boy who had gone to prison and was now going to be a sex slave, I could believe it. Looking at that dick I would be, say and do anything.
Why had I denied my submissive state for so long, this is what I enjoyed the most. I was almost seeing stars as I had started to shove more fingers in while this big black guy was stroking his huge cock and verbally abusing me, how pathetic I was, how I craved to be subjugated by real men. How I looked like a girl and that's what I've always wanted to be.
I was all in and drunk off horniness, before I knew it while his video was still running in the background I had ordered myself my first dildo in years. Through his verbal abuse he was giving me the strength (or weakness...) that I needed to go through with it. It was one of the new models, very realistic (and expensive) with veins and everything. And it goes without saying it was black, thick and huge, 10 inches. I didn't know what had come over me, it was in the basket and it was done, express shipping and arriving tomorrow.
When I flicked back to the video I had found that perfect spot on my prostrate and before long with him towering over me on my screen I had cum all into the bedsheets. There I was bent over naked, 4 fingers in my ass and cum everywhere. The shame, the guilt, the embarrassment rushed back and I closed the laptop. I almost had it in my mind to cancel my impulse order, but I was too tired to go through the motions.
Thankfully I'd got that out of my system I thought, a bit of cleaning up and I can put my shameful behaviour behind me. I've got a big shoot tomorrow, let's get some sleep.