Where Do We Go?
Disclaimer:
The following story is the first installment in an on going series about Stephen Gately from Boyzone and what I imagine to be the story behind the beginning of his relationship with Eloy de Jong from Caught in the Act. I have no contact with either person, nor know any of the members of either group. That being said, please read on...
"That is not love, lad, its lust!" Declared a voice of authority.
Stephen grinned as he looked out the window of the bus, watching the countryside slip past him. He was scrunched down in the seat with his knees up against the seat in front of him and an opened book lay forgotten in his lap as he stared out the window. The boys were at it again.
"Nah, you're wrong Keet!" Came the reply. "I love her! No! I LURVE her," Ronan replied emphatically, shouting to make his point. "That is not lust. Well, not all of it, anyway."
Stephen lost the conversation for a bit as the tour bus lurched and his stomach dropped. As much as he loved touring, he would be completely happy to not travel on a bus to do it! He wasn't the easiest of passengers at times, and when the road wasn't completely smooth he tended to get motion sick. Which was why he usually sat in the front of the bus, so at least he didn't feel as closed in and claustrophobic at times. But the road to London was in great need of repair and the bumps and dips in the road weren't helping him at all. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the window, silently willing his stomach to behave.
It wasn't listening. The voices behind him bantered on, and he tried to lose himself in the cadence of it, trying to focus on anything other than the queasiness in his stomach. Reading hadn't helped much, and the advice from the self-help book seemed a bit of a mockery at the moment. Because he felt at times that he was unable to help himself. This was one of those times and he swallowed bile and blindly reached out to the next seat, hoping he still had a bit of ginger ale to calm his stomach down.
"You all right?" A voice asked from behind him and an arm reached over his seat to find the bottle of soda and put it in Stephen's hand.
"Yeah, I'm fine, Shane." Stephen said as he opened the bottle and took a gulp. The fizzy part of the drink washed down his throat, taking the awful taste away with it. He kept his eyes closed and concentrated on breathing slowly to ease his nausea.
"If you want, I could ask George to pull over if you need to get out," Shane offered, leaning over the seat to peer at Stephen with a concerned expression. He knew that Stephen didn't travel well, and had been watching him. He knew Stephen would be too stubborn to ask them to stop.
"Nah, I'm fine. Really," Stephen opened his eyes and leaned his head back to smile up at Shane. "It was just that last bump was a wee bit too much for me. The soda helps, and we're almost there, right?" Shane leaned on the back of Stephen's seat, chin propped on one elbow, and Stephen could hear the faint sounds of some rap song still beating through the headphones draped around Shane's neck.
"You sure?" Shane frowned in concern, his braid slipping off his shoulder as he turned his head to look out the window. "Yeah, we're not too far now. If you think you can hold on, we should be there soon."
"I'm okay. Got me soda here, got me book... I'm fine Shane," Stephen said firmly. He felt that if he said it forcefully enough, maybe his stomach would believe it too. He always had mixed feelings being on tour. On one hand, it was great to be on the road, but on the other, it was the road part that bothered him. He was glad that this was a travel day and he wouldn't have to get on stage tonight. Not that he didn't love being on stage, but it would be nice to have some quiet time where he could settle himself for the next show. Shane looked down at him for a moment longer and then reached forward to ruffle Stephen's hair.
"Well, if you need me, I'm right over there. All right?"
"Yeah, fine, brother." Stephen said smiling up of Shane's concerned face.
"You'll be the first to know. Now get back to what you were doing. Go on with you." Shane nodded reluctantly and moved back to his seat. Stephen turned back to look in the window, a small smile on his face. Shane was so great to him, always watching out and making sure he was okay. All of the guys were like that in one way or another. It helped a lot because he tended to be a bit nervous about things at the best of times, and they were great about running interference for him when he needed it. Just knowing that someone was watching out for him helped calm the flutters in his stomach and he took another sip of his soda and looked out the window again. The sun was going down and painted long orange streaks in the clouds. Looking off further to the west, he noticed that it looked like it was going to be another rainy night with a large area of black clouds chasing them towards London. That was fine with him. There was something about rain that he found amazingly soothing. And he loved a rainy night because then it helped him to get to sleep in a strange hotel room.
It seemed that in a short time later they were arriving at their hotel.
The rain had already begun and as they made their way through the narrow streets, people could be seen running from doorways to their cars, or to a bit of shelter while they waited for a bus to take them home. Stephen watched and wondered about what their lives were like. Were they happy?
Did they have someone to go home to and take care of them? He was always curious about other people, and made stories up in his head about each one as they passed.
"Here we go lads," a deep voice said from the front row and Mark, their tour manager stood up to peer out the windshield. "Got ourselves a bit of a crowd here, but we'll get you through without too much bother." He then got on his mobile and called a number to talk to the security who had gotten there before them to let them know that they had arrived.
"Ah, they must be daft, hanging out here in the rain!" Ronan said, walking forward down the isle to the front of the bus. "Makes you wonder what they heck they're thinking, doesn't it?" He lifted his leg and rested the bottom of his cowboy boot on the arm of one of the seats in front of Stephen and leaned on his knee, watching the screaming crowd as the bus turned the corner. "It's mad, isn't it?" He wore jeans with a white shirt tucked into the jeans and pulled a pair of sunglasses out of his shirt pocket and put them on. Stephen rolled his eyes. Ro was one of the few people he knew who would wear sunglasses on a cloudy day. He said it was for the "image" and to look cool. Not only was it cloudy today but it was pouring rain. Hardly the type of weather to be wearing sunglasses. His personal take on it was that it was a way for Ro to hide from people, so they couldn't see his eyes. Kind of the way he was about wearing his hats. The boys were always giving him a hard time about his hats, but it was kind of a safety net for him when he was feeling insecure. Which seemed to be most of the time, unfortunately.
Stephen smiled wryly down at his book and closed it without bothering to mark his place. He hadn't been able to focus much on what it had to say, anyway. He tossed it on the seat next to him and sat up to look out at the crowd that filled the street in front of the hotel. It always amazed him that there were people who made a point to come out and see them when they were on the road. Especially when they didn't know exactly when Boyzone would be showing up, but would sit for hours at the airport or the hotel in the hopes of it being soon. His heart went out to these girls who stood in the rain, completely drenched by the downpour. He could see one poor girl huddling under an awning, her hair plastered from the rain. But despite what must have been a miserable wait, she had the most amazing smile as she watched the bus pull up right outside where she was standing. As he waited his turn to step off the bus, he could see her shivering in the cold winter afternoon. Mikey bumped into him as he stopped.
"Sorry," Mikey mumbled as he tried to juggle his bag and coffee mug.
Stephen turned and smiled behind him "Nah, its my fault. Nappin' again." He leaned over and grabbed his book, tossed the empty soda bottle on the seat and pulled his baseball cap on. With this rain, he was going to need a little cover. He edged his way down the isle after Ro and stopped to thank George for doing the driving on his way off the bus.
Mikey pushed passed him, with Keith and Shane following behind. George said goodnight to Stephen as he stepped off the bus and into a seething crowd of young women, many shouting their names. As he did, he looked off to the side where the girl had been standing under the awning. She was now a bit farther away, looking forlornly over the heads of some other girls who had pushed their way around to the front of the security line.
He smiled at the security man waiting for him and walked up to the rope. "I'll just be a minute," he said and walked down the rope towards the end of the bus until he got to the girl he was looking for. The rain began to stop as he walked, for which he was grateful, if only for the sake of the girls waiting out on the street. He scanned the crowd of people waving at him until he found the girl he was looking for.
"Hello, bit wet out here, isn't it m'dear?" Stephen asked as he stopped and smiled at the look of shock on her face.
"Ohmigod!" She whispered softly, clutching a bedraggled poster in one hand as she stared at the man in front of her. She couldn't believe what was happening. It had been enough just to be here when the boyz showed up. She almost didn't mind getting pushed to the back, since there were a lot of other fans here and she wasn't the only one who had waited outside in the rain all day for them. But to see her favourite standing right there in front of her was too much for her eyes to believe.
Stephen cocked his head to one side and smiled. "I saw you from the window," he said, pointing to the window behind him. "And I thought I'd come over to say hello since you've been so patiently waiting."
"I....well..." the girl stammered, totally at a loss for words. She had always dreamed of this moment and now that it was here, all the words she had ever whispered into her pillow at night in preparation had gone right out of her head. Here in front of her stood the man of her dreams, getting soaked in the same rain that she was standing in. Stephen Gately. The rain dripped slowly off the bill of his baseball hat and her mouth went dry when she stared into the most incredible blue eyes she had ever seen. These were the same eyes that smiled down from her bedroom ceiling at her every night, but the actual thing was quite different from looking at her poster when she blew him a kiss goodnight.
"What's your name, hon?" Stephen asked, totally unaware of the effect he was having on the girl in front of him. He could hear the other girls calling out his name, as well as the names of the other lads as they made their wait through the waiting crowd to the hotel entrance. He felt Ben behind him, waiting patiently. All of Barrie's security was well aware of Stephen's little side trips to talk to fans. Ben was one of the more tolerant of his little excursions and waited behind him, eyes on the crowd.
"Anna," the girl replied softly after he had asked the question again.
"Anna, is it? Such a pretty name. For a pretty lass," Stephen said gallantly, as he reached over the rope to touch the back of her hand lightly. "I can't stay long, the fellas will be looking for me. But I thought I'd stop and say hi and to see if there is anything I can do for you."
Anna stared in amazement. "For me? I uh..." she looked down to where his finger traced the back of her hand that was holding the poster.
"Oh, I... well, I had thought that if you wouldn't mind...." Her voice trailed off as she mentally kicked herself for stammering.
"Nah, I wouldn't mind at all," Stephen said with a smile that melted her heart and reached to take the damp poster out of her hand. He dug into his jeans looking for a pen and laughed as he remembered he had stuck it behind his ear as he had gotten off the bus. "Silly me, looking for a pen and it was here all this time!" He winked at Anna and looked down at the poster. It was an older one that had seen better days. He mentally winced at the picture of himself with the hair flopping over one eye. If there was one thing he hated, it was looking at pictures of himself. He had yet to find one he liked enough to look at it more than once or twice. He carefully picked up the poster, well aware of the taped edges which held it together. It was one that had come out of one of the magazines and had been folded at one point. He was grateful that at least the fold hadn't come over his face in the poster as he turned to find something that he could lean on to sign the poster. Flashes went off practically in his face and he smiled into the sea of girls in front of him. Just standing here in the crowd made him feel better already. There was something magical about making people happy and it gave him a warm feeling to see that just stopping to chat was making this poor girl's day. Ben grinned and offered his back so he could write on the poster and Stephen turned and put the poster against the security man and signed the poster. "Thanks, Ben. You're the best!" he said as he turned to give the poster back to Anna. "How's that?"
"Its wonderful!" She breathed, unable to believe her luck. Not only was she able to meet the man she'd dreamt about for years, but he was actually talking to her, and had touched the poster that she had all but ripped from the wall of her room when she found out that the boyz were arriving that afternoon.
"Grand then. Did you want a picture, too?" He asked, noticing the camera dangling from one hand. Dazedly she looked down at the totally forgotten camera.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly. You've been so kind already," she said, looking shyly down at the poster in her hands again.
"Not at all, dear. Let's see if I can get some help from my good friend here. Ben, would you be so kind?" Stephen said as he took the camera from Anna and handed it off to the security guard. Then, before she could say anything else, he leaned back against the rope and put his arm around her, hugging her close to his side. "How's that?" His breath whispered against her ear, causing shivers to run down her spine.
"Eh, I...." Her voice trailed off as her throat went dry again.
The security guard dutifully took the picture and handed it back to her. Stephen gave her a little squeeze and kissed her on the cheek.
"There you go. Hope I don't look too much of a fright when you get that developed! You take care, and I hope to see you at the show tomorrow night, right?" With another little hug he let her go and turned to smile to other girls taking pictures in the crowd. He slowly made his way back to the entrance, stopping to sign autographs whenever something was put in front of him. He reveled in this kind of environment. It gave him such a great feeling to bring a smile to a girl's face, and stopping to chat took only a moment of his time. But he could see that even Ben's patience was wearing thin as the rain started in earnest again, so with one last smile he waved to the crowd and headed inside.
As he entered the lobby a shrill ring came from his jean jacket pocket. Taking his hat off and running his hand through his damp hair, he reached into the pocket and pulled out his mobile phone. He could hear the loud sounds of the other lads already in the bar. No doubt they were trying to warm up from the trip down from Manchester. "Hello?" He said as he brought the phone to his face.
"Steve? It's Eloy. Am I catching you at a bad time?" A voice came out of the earpiece and Stephen grinned. "Hey Eloy," he said as he nodded to the concierge as Ben handed him a hotel key. It was his habit to go up to his room and chill out from the road before joining the rest of the lads. Glancing down at the key as he made his way over to the elevators, he saw they were back up on the 10th floor again. "No, not at all. I'm just getting into the hotel. How are ya?" He asked, pushing the up button and glancing around the lobby. He could see that in the foyer several of the other tour people were already in residence, with dancers and band members making their way into the restaurant entrance off to the side of the reception area.
"Great. Sorry I haven't had a chance to call before this, but things have been hectic here," Eloy replied and Stephen got on the elevator.
"Not to worry, I know what you mean. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm coming or going, if you know what I mean." He said, nodding to the elderly elevator operator. "Hello. 10, please." The operator turned and pushed the button and the ornate gold door closed shut, cutting him off from the noise in the lobby.
"Hey, I hear you. Usually I think I'm going. Where, I have no idea, but somewhere," was Eloy's reply and Stephen chuckled. He had met Eloy four years previously when they were both on tour in Europe with their bands and the two of them had hit it off immediately. One of the nights they had sat down in the bar to chat and found out that they had a lot in common. Since that tour had ended, they had exchanged phone numbers and kept in touch over the years. Stephen knew it was great to have someone to talk to who was also in the business, but removed enough to not know everything that was going on from day to day. It helped to talk to someone different occasionally, especially after a few weeks of seeing the same people day after day while on tour. "Anyhow, had something to tell you if you have a moment."
"Sure. Hold on a sec, will you?" Stephen asked as he reached his floor and stepped out. He smiled at the elevator operator and thanked him as the doors closed behind him and he searched for his room.
With luck, the bags would be there before him and he could get out of the clothes he had been in all day.
"Ja, no problem," Eloy said from the other end of the phone, content to wait. Stephen loved listening to his voice. It had this velvety texture that he could listen to all night, and had in the past on some of their marathon phone sessions. He quickly paced the corridor, looking for the room number that matched the key and had to walk most of the way down the hall until he found the right room. Putting the key in the lock, he pushed open the door with a woosh and turned on the light as he entered. A lamp on the bedside table was on, and the covers were invitingly turned down with a chocolate on the pillow. Pulling off his jacket, Stephen quickly sat down on the couch in the rather large room and pulled on the laces of his work boots. With a sigh of relief he pulled his feet out of the boots and pulled the socks off, wiggling his bare toes in the plush carpet.
"Ah, I'm in heaven." Stephen declared with a sigh as he sat back and ran his fingers through his hair. Eloy's throaty chuckle reverberated through the phone and he felt a small shiver at the sound. Resolutely, he turned his mind from those kinds of thoughts, since he knew Eloy was in a long term relationship and had been for years. Though there were moments when he would let himself daydream....
"What did you do, take your shoes off?" Eloy continued to laugh, knowing his friend well. "Been a long ride today?" Stephen murmured in agreement, not bothering to articulate it other than another sigh. "Well, why don't you take a bit to get yourself relaxed and I can call you back another time."
"Don't be silly, E. We're talking now. And Lord, but this feels good." Stephen continued to rub his feet against the carpet and rolled his head around, trying to get the kinks out. He unbuttoned his shirt, wrinkling his nose at the smell of sweat. One of the things he really hated about travelling was being such a nervous passenger. It made for damp underarms and sweaty palms, as well as an upset stomach. So Stephen struggled to get out of the shirt and juggle the phone at the same time. He also peeled the t-shirt off underneath and stretching, got up and moved over to the bed where he sprawled across on his stomach. "So what's up?" He asked, resting his cheek on one arm as he held the phone to his ear.
"Well, got some news, if you're interested." Eloy's voice almost seemed hesitant, as if he was reluctant to voice the reason for the call.
"Always like hearing news from you, you know." Stephen said with a smile, his eyes closed as he mentally pictured Eloy. Knowing his friend, he was probably sitting in that big overstuffed chair in his apartment, legs draped over one arm. One time when the boyz had been performing on a show in Amsterdam, Eloy had invited Stephen over to look at his Disney collection and they had spent a great evening sitting around the fire chatting about their interests in animation. Their band mates on both sides thought their obsession a bit on the weird side, but neither of them cared much about what anyone else thought. "What's up?"
There was a sigh on the other end of the line. "I did it. I told him I needed space and wanted out."
Stephen opened his eyes in shock and stared at the ceiling. He almost couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You didn't."
"I did. I told him last night that it wasn't going to work." Eloy's voice had a tone of regret and Stephen smiled in sympathy, knowing how hard this must be for him to talk about it. "God, I love the man, but I can't live with him. Its just too controlling, you know what I mean?"
"How was it?" Stephen asked softly, not wanting to interrupt the flow of his friend's thoughts.
"Awful." There was a pause and then Eloy continued, a funny catch in his voice. "I felt I was kicking a puppy. But I didn't know what else to do. He wants what I can't give him. I can't not go on tour... I can't stop performing. It's like asking me to stop breathing or something! And he, of all people, should know that."
Stephen stared at the ceiling, his eyes turning a even deeper shade of blue with the mirrored pain as he listened to Eloy. He had known for a while that the relationship with Carlo had gotten stormy, and had been there time and again to provide a shoulder for his friend when he needed someone to talk to. And though he hadn't had a real relationship like this himself, he fully empathized what his friend was going through right now.
"I'm sorry it had to happen," he said, mentally wishing himself some few hundred kilometers east to where his friend was now. "And Eloy? I wish I could be there with you right now. It sounds like you're hurting, even though you know it was the only decision you could make."
"Ja, I know. And thank you for caring and listening. It was tough, but even though it does hurt a lot, I'm almost feeling guilty at the sense of relief I'm feeling. Like I shouldn't be feeling it. Hell, Stephen, what did I just do? That was five years with him, and I just tossed it down the drain." Quietly, Eloy began to cry and Stephen felt answering tears welling up in response.
"Ah, don't cry... you're breaking my heart because I'm not there to give you a hug, you know." Stephen kept on murmuring softly through the phone, talking his friend through the moment. After a few minutes Eloy stopped and sighed again.
"Stephen, thanks. For being there when I needed it. For being here now when I had to tell someone. You're my best friend, you know. And I appreciate you taking the time to listen to my problems." Stephen smiled through his own tears and wiped at the wet trails on his own cheeks.
"Hey, its okay. You're allowed, alright? It's a hard thing you're going through. But remember, whenever you need to, I'm here for you. Always."