Chapter Nineteen
"Lloyd's Journal"
April 15th
Everyone says it would be good for me to write this down and get it all out. I don't see how that's going to help at all. My life is exploding around me and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
It was two months ago today, but it feels like it was yesterday. Wheeler and I were just sitting in the back yard chilling. I could hear the sirens in the distance but never really paid any attention to them at all. We were trying to catch some rays on the first warm day of the spring. Jason was out with his new boyfriend... oh, guess I should tell you about him, huh?
Well, his name is Allen... cute, very cute. He moved here just before Jason from some town in Indiana. Jason is the new star pitcher for the varsity, and Allen is the new catcher... in more ways than one! I guess you could say it was love at first sight. But I know I'm not really writing what I'm supposed to be writing about.
Well, we were just sitting there just enjoying each other when John and Carol Simpson came home. Carol was crying, and John seemed very upset. They came into the back yard and sat down, looked at us, and then John said that they had something awful to tell us. It was right about then that Glenn and Ritchie came running into the yard followed by Jason and his dad and Allen and his parents as well. I was like, 'God, what is going on here?'
Then John cleared his throat and said the words that I will never forget. "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, Lloyd, but your mom and dad were killed by a drunk driver... just a short time ago... about two blocks from here." Wheeler jumped up and yelled, "What a terrible thing to say!" I was just too stunned to say anything. Wheeler was trying his best to deny it all, but then Carol came over and tried to hug me. I don't know why, but I shrugged her off. Then, when he realized what had happened, Wheeler tried to hug me as well. For some reason, I did not want to be touched... even by Carol and Wheeler. Jason's dad, though, seemed to understand. He suggested that everyone just back off for a few minutes. John said it was OK... that everything was going to be OK. How could he even think that?
I don't know what happened after that. I sort of remember that there were cops there. Some people from the church that mom and dad went to were also there. And Ritchie's and Glenn's parents were there as well. Everyone was crying, and Ritchie and Glenn were hugging and holding onto each other. Later I learned that both Ritchie's parents and Glenn's parents knew what was going on with their boys and did not even seem to be bothered by it. But I had run up to Wheeler's room and was lying on the bed... just too stunned even to think. Wheeler came in and, without saying a word, lay down next to me. I guess I was just worn out because I had dozed off for a minute and wasn't even aware that Wheeler had come in. I woke up screaming for my mom and dad, and Wheeler tried his best to calm me down. He was holding me in his arms and rocking me when John came in and had me take some pills a doctor friend had given him. Eventually, I drifted off, and the next thing I saw was daylight... it was late afternoon.
John and Carol and Wheeler were sitting on the patio when I came down. Carol got up right away and came over and hugged me. This time, it felt good. Then she asked if I was hungry. I didn't even know, but I guess my stomach did... it growled. Well, I hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon. While we were waiting for Carol to call us to the table, John called me over and told me that a lot had happened already today. I guess mom and dad were a lot closer to the Simpsons than I had known. They didn't have any sisters or brothers, and all the grandparents were already gone, so they had asked John and Carol to take care of me if anything ever happened to them. John told me that arrangements for the funeral had been made and that a lawyer would need to talk to me soon. I just didn't know what to think. I blurted out something like 'Where am I supposed to live... now?' Wheeler was right there for me and said that he thought I'd want to stay with him. Well, sure I would, I told him, but wondered if people would think it was weird. John said that Social Services had already been contacted, and a social worker would be coming over later to see me and would be bringing papers. I was still in shock I guess. I asked John about the house, and my stuff, and other things that I need to deal with. He said for me to chill out... that everything would work out.
He was right of course. The funeral was a nice one, and it seemed like everyone from Mom and Dad's building was there. There were flowers and even donations. Social Services sent over a guy by the name of Mr. Whitehall. He was OK, but he asked a lot of question about if I was happy with where I was staying. What could I tell him? Yeah, I hate living with my boyfriend? Duh.
He asked if I was getting along with John and Carol and if I was really OK? Did I need to go see a shrink? I found out later he was one. LOL But I was doing OK, wasn't I?
I had to meet with the lawyer, and I wanted John and Wheeler to be there. Although he seemed a little put off by it at first, the lawyer finally agreed to allow Wheeler to sit in as well. It was then that I learned things that I had never known before. Mom and dad had done a real good job of taking care of business. The house was paid for, and so was the summer vacation house at the lake. I had about 120 grand put away for college, and mom and dad had already bought me a white jeep ^Ö a new cj7 with a hard top. It was something we had talked about just two weeks prior to the accident, and it was in Dad's name. Since the life insurance was on him, it was paid for, but I had to have it put in both mine and John's name since I was still only 16.
Then there were the Whole Life insurance polices on Mom and Dad for 5 million each, but I would gladly give it all back for one more day with them. Mom and Dad had worked all their lives, so I would get their Social Security until I turned 18. Even then, it would continue until I'm 21 if I were in school or college. John would help me with the bank accounts and checking accounts. I asked him if he would help with all the financial things until I was of age, and he agreed but refused any money for doing it.
Wheeler suggested I rent out the house until I was finished with school. That would provide a monthly income, and after that I could sell it if I wanted. I don't know what I would do without him by my side. Through all this, he has been like a rock for me, and I have been treating him... how should I say this?... not really so nice. I've hardly even touched him in three weeks, but I know that I need to make it up to him. Now I know what I used to be doing for him when he woke up in nightmares, because now he's been doing that for me.
The lawyer said he would contact a realtor he trusts to set up the house for rent. John suggested we could take all the stuff in the house that I wanted and put it in the garage at the back of the house since it was empty and that way I could save on storage cost. I thought that was a good idea.
Mom had a station wagon that she hardly drove. It was in great shape and only three years old. I think I kind of upset Wheeler when I sold it to Ritchie for one dollar, but he was the only one of our group who had a driver's license. I knew, though, that as soon as Wheeler turned 16 and got his permit, I would rectify that.
The guy who hit Mom and Dad got 16 years on two counts. I don't hate him. I just don't like him. I was raised to never hate anyone, and I was not going to start now.
May 1st
Wheeler wants me to write more even though he still refuses to read anything I've written. But the last few days I've been in a fog, and he knows something is up. The last few days, with the help of Glenn, Ritchie, Jason and Allen, we've been moving things from the house into the back garage. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. At my request, Carol and John came over a few days ago and took all of Mom's and Dad's clothes to the local church and gave them for the needy. I just couldn't deal with that at all. We took all the things I wanted with me: the ribbons, the swimming trophies, and all my hunting gear along with all the guns. But for some reason John had taken the guns and put them in his gun safe. I know why, but nothing was ever said. For the most part, the only things we put into storage were the personal things. Most of the furniture we left in place because, when we all talked about it, we decided to rent the house 'furnished'. Except for my bed. It was a full size, but I wanted it. Not that I would need it at Wheeler's, but it was mine.
At the time, I didn't know what was taking Jason and Allen so long to come back from the back garage, but if it had anything to do with Glenn and Ritchie, and how long it had taken them to come back from there last trip, I knew that there was probably more than just stacking going on. Glenn, Ritchie, Wheeler and I sort of came to a kind of understanding. It boiled done to love. I love Wheeler, and he loves me. Not that we don't love Glenn and Ritchie, but at least for Wheeler and me, we've decided that from now on, we aren't going to have sex with anyone else outside of our relationship. I think Glenn and Ritchie understand that and have come to the same conclusion for themselves. We still might do something in the same room... but only with our own lovers. I guess at first, with it all being new and us being teenagers, we sort of let loose and became too free with it.
The previous night, Wheeler and I became as close as we ever have been. I needed him so bad that I think I took advantage of him somewhat. I woke up, and he looked so peaceful sleeping there that, when I moved closer and stared into his sleeping face, I knew deep down that I loved him so much. I started to stroke his hair, and he softly told me that he loved me. I started to cry, and he was so gentle. He held me and told me it was going to be OK. It was soon after that I was on top of him, and I was pounding into him as deep as I could go and as hard as I could. I was making love to the only one I ever wanted from this point on, and I was crying, and the pain was flowing out of me, and I was taking it all out on him. With the moonlight shining in the window, I could see his face. His expression wasn't one of hurt or pain. Rather, he was smiling, and I knew right then that he was aware of what I was thinking and feeling, and he knew that I was trying to work through all of this. He knew that I loved him and that this wasn't just lust or some animal sexual act. This was him giving himself freely and openly to his love. At that moment, I loved him so much.
Now, here we were the next day, and I was feeling that I should help out getting all this moving done. I guess I was deep in thought because Wheeler asked if I was OK. I told him that I was, but he explained that I'd been sitting there staring at a spot on the floor for an hour. Jason and Allen had been back for awhile, and everything I had said I wanted moved was done.
My friends have never left me. Even in school, they have surrounded me and protected me. Coach has been great and not even yelled when my times were off. It was like everyone was giving me time to deal with my grief. These five guys, my friends, have been the best I have ever had.
As we stepped out of the house, I locked the door and walked away from a life I knew I would never have again. I grabbed Wheeler and hugged him... only to be immediately surrounded and embraced by the loving arms of all of them. There we were, six teenage boys, all hugging and crying in the middle of the driveway. I knew that the life I was going to live from now on was going to be very different. I was growing up. In many ways, I was leaving behind the awkward boy that I had been. I was now bound to Wheeler, and from here on out, that was going to be it.
This has been the hardest chapter I have ever written. Forgive me for anything that seems out of place and for not going into great detail, but you need to know the things that were going on. usock@aol.com