What Was I Thinking

NOTE To Readers: If you haven't read "What Was I Thinking?" Part 1, I recommend that you do, however its not absolutely essential. Happy reading.

And yes, I know that this is the most self-indulgent piece of crap that I've ever written, but some people might like it. To those who do like it, feel free to write and let me know.

"What Was I Thinking?" - Part II

By Daedalus

Copyright 2004 - All rights reserved by the author

Waking up with a big rough hand other than my own down my shorts is always a little surprising. It certainly doesn't happen very often. Actually, it almost never happens.

For some reason Nick can't resist my morning wood. In fact, he's always grabbing at my package when he thinks no one is looking. I think it amuses him to see how much it embarrasses me.

Before I met Nick, I was accustomed to sleeping alone. I like my space, always have. Indeed, I rather enjoy being able to sprawl out all over my king size. But he likes to sleep over and I don't discourage this behavior, in fact I mind at all.

Nick's a very cool guy. I don't believe I've ever met anyone who doesn't like him. I believe that was the first thing that I noticed about him, the way he seems so absolutely amiable with everyone. Well, that and his eyes.

His deep set hazel eyes, constantly ablaze under a pair of thick, jet black eyebrows that perfectly match his short wavy hair. He's got what I like to refer to as bedroom eyes. They seem to sort of slant down slightly at the corners giving him a heavy lidded, sort of sly, sort of sleepy, sexy look.

Oh, and then there's his body! Even at first glance you can tell that he takes great care of himself. Since we met, we've both engaged in a sort of unconscious competition that keeps both our bodies looking really great. We're about the same height, so its easy to match each other's muscle tone and definition. Although I do out weight him by a few pounds.

At six foot, he's very lean and muscular. But its his ass that really sets him apart. Its absolutely perfect.

The first time I really noticed him was at the sports bar where he works. He was wearing a pair of chinos and I just couldn't take my eyes off that high, tight, round little ass of his. Every time he turned his back to me, I swear I could feel a little drool start to form under my tongue.

Then he spoke in that pleasantly mellow baritone voice of his and I could barely respond. Nick is handsome in a strong masculine way, much like his voice, his looks appeal to everyone.

You could never describe him as a pretty boy. Nick is all man. Very rough around the edges and sometimes very disgusting, just like me. You'll never catch him primping or doing anything that will remotely enhance his image. He's a studly guy in every respect. But he does have something of a boyish appeal about him.

From what I've observed, men, women, children, even pets seem to dig him. He just gives off a good vibe. He's sexy, alluring and innocent all at once. You can tell right away that he's the kind of guy who doesn't take himself or anything else too seriously.

There was nothing in his manner that would lead me to believe that I'd ever have a shot with him. So, I didn't even try. At least not consciously.

Curiously, and according to him, it was he, who first made a play for me, which I still find hard to believe. And again, according to him, all of his efforts to attract my attention had been summarily rebuffed. I don't really remember it that way. But, of course I was somewhat preoccupied at the time.

Its amazing that we ever got together at all. Neither of us knew that the other liked guys.

Now, as he tightened his grip on my member, I instinctively reached down and held his hand still through the thin fabric of my boxers.

Seems I'd been having a very erotic dream and was pretty close to shooting when I awoke to his touch.

Just then his cell phone rang, Nick pulled his hand out of my boxers and answered it.

Minutes later, he was dressed and hurriedly on his way to the door.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I'm not sure yet." He grumbled distractedly. "That was the manager at my trailer park."

"You want me to come with?"

"Nah, I'll call you when I find out what's going on."

Later that morning, Nick phoned to tell me that he was at the police station. I could hardly believe what he told me.

"I'll be back as soon as I can." He assured me.

The day seemed to drag on endlessly as I waited for Nick to get back or call or something.

All the waiting around was driving me crazy, so I decided to go downstairs to workout.

By no means am I a body builder, I just like to keep fit. And since there's room, I use the extra space on the ground floor behind the garage as a weight room, laundry and storage space.

Piling on the weight I completely forgot that I was home alone. It hadn't occurred to me that doing decline bench presses with this much weight and having no one here to spot me might be trouble.

So, I went for it. After two sets I was feeling good and had forgotten why I was waiting. Sometime into my workout, I lost my concentration and no matter how much I struggled, I just couldn't seem to heft the weight back up onto the rack.

Just as I was about to give up the sound of heavy boots shuffling across the concrete floor.

"Push!" A voice urge.

I opened my eyes to see Nick's crotch right over my face.

He lifted as I pushed. Together we got the weight back up onto the rack above my head.

"Thanks." I said breathlessly.

"What's with all the weight?" He questioned.

"Never mind that, what did the police say?"

He cocked a quizzical eyebrow and simply turned toward the back door. I followed him out and up the back stairs to the deck.

Passing through the sliding doors he said, "You could have been trapped under there for a long time."

"Forget about the weights, will you?" I said impatiently as I following him inside the house. "What did they say?"

"They found traces of some sort of incendiary device." He said looking extremely serious.

"A bomb? Someone tried to blow you up?" I asked incredulously.

"Well yeah, my trailer anyway." He shrugged. "Good thing I was here with you all night."

Just then Jason walked in the door.

"What's going on?" He asked.

"Someone blew up Nick's trailer." I said.

"Well, he looks alright to me." Jason smirked. "Besides, who would want to kill a bartender from Santa Barbara?"

Narrowing his eyes and shooting him a look that made it clear that he was in no mood, Nick turned and went into my bedroom.

"This is serious, you little shit!" I snapped at Jason. "He could have been hurt or worse."

"What?" Jason shrugged innocently. "I was just kidding around."

Sometimes Jason has a way irritating me beyond belief. I couldn't tell if he was really trying to be funny or if he was just being a snotty fucker because he didn't care much for Nick. Jason often puts people off because he seems to think that he's better than everyone else. A direct result of his father being rich and him being spoiled.

Ironically, his father, who was once my boss and is still a good friend, doesn't care much for his son's attitude either, which is how he came to be living out here on the west coast with me rather than still living in his dad's house back in Ohio, where we're both originally from.

Jason has long since gotten his own apartment not far from here, but still drops by my house unannounced and more frequently than I care for. I don't say much about it because I owe it to his father, to keep an eye on him while he's out here.

In fact, I owe his father, Andrew a great deal. He's pretty much responsible for my great success in life, both personal and professional. He took me under wing when I worked for him and mentored me until I was ready to strike out on my own. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be where I am today, rich and powerful in my own right.

"What do you want anyway?" I asked Jason, barely concealing my contempt.

"I need a reason to come see you now?" He asked feigning offense. "I have to say, I'm more than a little hurt."

This was another thing I was starting to dislike about Jason. The disingenuous manner he has of always assuming the role of the innocent, injured party. Lately, his transparent, insincere behavior has been verging on repugnant.

"Right. Sorry about that." I said. "I'm just a little on edge. Why don't you come back later. We've got some stuff to work out here, okay?"

"Yeah, alright." Jason said as he left.

I went into my bedroom to find Nick lying on the bed with his hands behind his head. He appeared to be deep in thought.

"So?" I asked, eyeing him with inquisitive attention.

"So what?"

"So what the fuck is going on?"

"Don't know yet. The police said they'd get back to me if they found out anything."

"In other words, don't call us, we'll call you." I said. "They don't have any suspects?"

He just shrugged.

"Well, what do you think?"

"I don't know." Nick said after a moment's thought.

"Does your ex know where you live, I mean where you used to live?"

"Who Nicole?" He shook his head. "She's not that industrious. Besides, all of Nicole's motivation and energy goes into being Nicole."

"Yeah." I nodded pensively.

I don't know anything Nick's ex, but I sort of trust his instincts. I down at him lying there, pondering the situation. Who would go to the trouble to blow up a place that he only barely lived in? Unless there was something he wasn't telling me.

I decided to take a shower. I'd worked up quite a sweat during my workout.

While soaping myself in the shower, I thought about what to do next. By the time I was done and toweling off, I'd made up my mind.

Putting on a clean t-shirt and shorts, I sat down on the edge of the bed next to his prone body.

"I want you to move in here." I said.

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"You don't?"

"I don't know." He shrugged.

Having put forth the suggestion, I wasn't so sure about the idea myself. I was operating purely on instinct and I knew if I thought too much about it I would be able to talk myself out of it. Still, I pressed on.

"Well, in actuality, you've already been living here since you moved out of Nicole's place, haven't you?" I asked rhetorically. "I mean that trailer was really nothing more than a storage shed."

"It was more than that." Nick objected, smiling at me for the first time.

"So what? You just don't like it here?" I queried.

"Of course I like it here. That's not the issue." He said.

"Well what is the issue?"

"Its just that, that was 'my' place. My own space. You know what I mean?"

I did. I understood completely. Normally, I'm not so generous with my living space, but given the circumstances and the nascent nature of the relationship between Nick and I, this felt like the right thing to do. Still, I had reservations about cohabitation. But I kept them to myself.

"I see your point." I said. "Okay, how about this then, you'll look around until you find a suitable place. Taking your own time of course. I mean, I wouldn't want you to end up in another shanty town, trailer park, like before. No offense intended."

"Hey, I kinda liked that trailer." Nick laughed.

"I'm just saying," I shrugged, smiling, "you can stay here as long as you like."

Nick just lay there, looking up at me impassively with those beautiful eyes. Then he smiled again.

"So what's the rent like here?" He asked.

Looking him up and down, I was tempted to say something trite and unoriginal about trading sexual favors for his rent, but I thought better of it.

"You're a guest, not a tenant."

"Alright then." He smiled, eyeing me warily. "Thanks."

"Good, its settled then." I smiled, extending my hand. "We'll fix up the loft any way you like. You can sleep up there or wherever you want."

Nick sat up, took my hand, shook it twice. Then he forcefully yanked me towards himself. His strength always surprises me. Even though we're just evenly matched in size and muscle tone, Nick is amazingly quick and agile.

We lay there face to face for a second, his beautiful hazel eyes blazing into mine. The we both laughed as he pulled me into a headlock.

Nick knows how much wrestling arouses me. Its like foreplay for me.

Laughing, I immediately began to grapple with him for dominance.

In seconds, we were wrestling around on the bed like little boys, laughing and struggling against each other, Nick and I easily lost ourselves in each others' friendship and camaraderie.

Before I knew it my dick was completely swollen and throbbing as we both expended enormous amounts of energy just to keep from being maneuvered into a subservient position.

Articles of clothing begin to disappear as we tussle with each other. T-shirts, shorts, underwear flying off one by one.

Somehow, I end up flat on my back with Nick straddling my chest, his long thick cock pointing straight at my chin. From this angle it appears quite huge. Before I knew it, Nick had his enormous cock head pressed to my lips, caressing and coaxing them apart.

Never having been a big fan of sucking dick, I considered balking at his request. But looking up at him, at his beautiful face and body, I couldn't help being wildly turned on as I ran my hands over his amazingly sculpted torso.

Nick is extraordinarily good looking without the slightest trace of vanity or conceit. He has a magnificent body and an exceptional personality as well.

As our eyes locked on each other's, it occurred to me that this man possesses a rather rare combination of human attributes. Statically, he's the equivalent of a rare and endangered species. More importantly, he seems genuinely fond of me.

If anyone on the planet ever deserved a blowjob, it was Nick. Moreover, he'd do it for me without hesitation. In fact, he often does.

My tongue shot out to greet his massive knob pressing against my lips. I labored to bathe the crown and first few inches in saliva before opening my jaws wide, accepting his steely hard sword into my mouth. Its thick veins standing out in sharp relief along the enormous column of flesh gave me a great deal of erotic pleasure.

Nick's strong hands caressed my head as my own hands squeezed and massaged his firm, round and muscular ass cheeks. My finger tips teased at his asshole while my other hand found and fondled his tightly wound testicles.

Gobbling and licking, I let Nick slide his cock over my tongue to the back of my throat again and again, stretching my lips wide with each pass. His dick and posture rigid with a singular purpose, I could feel that he was very close to release.

Abruptly he stopped all movement, as if to stave off his impending eruption. Slowly extracted his thick meat from my mouth he slid himself down my torso until he's straddling my waist. Then he reached behind himself and found my swollen, straining cock just waiting for some attention.

Nick's salacious eyes acknowledged my plea for immediate coupling. A little smile stole over his beautiful full lips as he positioned my dick head right against asshole.

First rubbing it around a bit to find just the right connection point, he planted one hand on my chest to brace himself, the other hand guided me into his hole.

With a tremendous force of effort, Nick pushed himself back onto my throbbing pole as a barking groan escaped his throat.

I could feel every tight muscle in his ass straining against the invasion as he forced my thick cock head past the threshold of his asshole and into his body.

Sliding inside Nick is like nothing else I've ever experienced. Its almost like doing battle with him. His ass muscles constantly resisting the invasion of my tremendous cock muscle. Its always very intense and the friction is sometimes almost unbearable.

Holding an deep and forceful eye contact with me he pressed his hips down driving more and more of my long, thick shaft up into himself. As I invade his body, his eyes never leave mine. Those eyes, those beautiful eyes are so expressive and intense.

Hovering over me, Nick's gaze seemed to bored into me my soul as he gave himself to me. The furrow in his brow, the flex of his strong leg muscles, the grip of his powerful hands on my chest as the heat of his hot hole envelopes my thick, pulsing rod was nearly overwhelming.

Once he's taken all that he could, Nick leaned forward and embraced my torso. I hugged him right back and kissed his neck as I stroked and caressed the strong, lean muscles of his body.

My dick feels huge and potent wedged halfway up inside him. Its all I can do to keep from shoving more of my cock into him immediately. But I that would be extremely painful for him. The sweat pouring off his body and the slight tremble of his muscles tells me that he's doing all he can to bear the pain as it is, so I give him a moment of respite to allow his widely stretched hole accommodate my hard cock.

Eventually, I started to work my hips and slide in and out of him. We held onto each other as I eased more of myself into and out of his body. The feeling is incredible. Hot, tight, amazing.

Nick's body went rigid as he finally sat upright and began to work his ass up and down my cock. Again establishing eye contact, he began to jack his own hard dick. One hand on my belly and the other frantically stoking his own member, as he began a slow ride up and down my dick.

His knees planted firmly on either side of me, the heat from his butt steadily driving me toward the edge. Nick's eyes, his body, the sweaty contact, everything about him seems to be conspiring to drive me wild.

Suddenly, his mouth dropped open and his eyes shot to the top of his head as he shuddered deeply. His hips rocketed jerkily as he unloaded all over me.

Each shot seized his body like a jolt of electricity was firing through him. The first shot reached my neck and chin, the second and third fired over my head as the trails of each shot land on my face and chest. His asshole strangling my cock with each contraction, sending wave after wave of pleasure through my body.

It was more than I could stand. I grabbed his waist and thrust upward with all my might again and again until I exploded deep inside his butt. His hot, tight ass ring still clenching around my rod only served to intensify the sensations already tearing through my body, up my spine and exploding in my brain.

"Oh God!" I screamed as my body seized violently.

Thrust after thrust, wave after wave, I throw myself into him. For one wild moment it seemed like it would never end. Wave after wave of sweet bliss crashed through my soul. I was nearly delirious. My hands grasping at him, my toes furiously grabbing curling and uncurling. My rapid breathing has sent me into hyperventilation and for a moment, there's nothing. The entire world is blotted out of my consciousness and I'm floating there all alone.

Then, just as suddenly as it began, it begins to end, leaving me with a slight tingling sensation all over my body. I can feel it slipping away, yet I know that I want more. My dick is still hard and I resume my thrusting motion.

"Easy big guy. That hurts." Nick calmly protests.

He began to disengage my still hard cock from his ass when I stopped him.

"Don't move." I commanded.

He leaned forward again and embraced me. We lay there on the bed, locked in each other's arms for a while, me still deep in him. I can't stop my cock from throbbing inside him.

Soon the moment passed, Nick palmed my face like a basketball and shook my head back and forth vigorously. We both laughed as he got up and headed off to the bathroom.

While he was gone, I just lay there on the bed, thinking. Wondering if I'd made a mistake.

Now that he officially lived here, I had to wonder if that would change our relationship in any way. I supposed it would but I didn't care to think about it just now. Finally my dick was completely deflated.

After a while Nick came out bare-chested, with only a pair of boxers on and dropped a warm wash cloth on my face.

Just the sight of him made my dick start to jump and twitch again. Yeah, I made the right decision.

That night in bed, after he'd fallen asleep, I just stared at him. "My God, he's beautiful, inside and out", I thought. Those thick, bushy eyebrows, those full, cherry red lips, that tautly muscled body. And don't even get me started thinking about that perfectly sculpted bubble butt.

Well, there was no getting around it now. Nick was definitely inside the gates and my defenses were down. The cynic in my soul stepped forward shaking his head and threw up his hands in exasperation.

The hopefulness in my soul just relaxed and promised that everything would be alright.

Whatever happened from this point forward, one thing was certainly clear to me. I was in love with Nick. Even though the idea scared me a bit there wasn't much that I could do about it now.

The good thing is that I understand my fear. I own it and accept it. That's how I am able to keep it from controlling me.

But this is by no means an unconditional surrender. I may not be able to help the fact that I love him, but I can certainly control myself and more importantly, I can control my fear.

I'll just have to cowboy up and hope that when this thing goes off the rails, I'll be ready for it. I'll just brace myself for impact and deal with the fallout if and when it comes.

Loath as I am to admit it, Jorge, my ex, had caused a considerable amount of damage to my heart. Nothing that any red-blooded, mature man can't bounce back from, but you tend to accumulate emotional scars. Emotional scars are ugly, terrible things. And unfortunately, some person down the line usually pays the price for them.

Which is why I'd initially decided to keep myself emotionally detached from Nick. I certainly couldn't resist him physically, he's just too damn beautiful. And now it would seem that aside from his near aesthetic perfection, he's also quite beautiful on the inside as well.

I realized that I would have to make a conscience effort not to pile any of my past emotional baggage on Nick. He deserves better than that. Hell, so do I.

Nick knew some the history between Jorge and I. They'd even met on a couple of occasions. Not to mention the fact Nick's already read some of the stories that I'd posted on the Nifty Archive in the past.

After he'd read my stories "Shot Through The Heart" and "Apathy And Promiscuity", he seemed okay with it all. In fact, after reading them he seemed to draw even closer to me.

Just as I was thinking about reaching out to stroke his brow, his eyes popped open.

"What are you doing?" He asked sleepily.

"Thinking." I answered.

"Well, can you think in the other direction?" He said. "You're creeping me out."

Smiling, I turned away from him, towards the window and stared out at the night sky.

A few seconds later Nick cuddled up behind me and kissed the back of my neck.

"What's wrong, you horny again?" He asked snuggling against me. "You wanna crank one out while I watch? Or help?"

"No, that's not it."

"You're worried about your lawsuit?"

"No, my lawyer says that its just a nuisance suit. They're just looking a settlement."

"You gonna settle?"

"I don't know yet." I said.

In truth, I hadn't been thinking about that at all. I had just been watching Nick sleep. I like looking at him. But he was right, it is kinda creepy.

Nick's breathing told me that he'd fallen asleep again. I just stared out the window until I fell asleep.

"Going camping Friday. Wanna come with?" I asked.

"What, just you, by yourself?" Nick questioned.

"Yeah, just me. I'm gonna go sit out in the woods and just stare at the trees. Maybe find a few raccoons, some squirrels, you know. We'll all sit around the campfire, sing a few songs." I laughed. "Of course, not just me.

Apparently, Nick failed to see the humor. He just stared at me impassively.

"Anyway, you remember Scott, the guy I work with? We go every so often." I explained. "He's big on fishing, I just like the being in the woods, camping. Nothing special, we just hang out, do a lot of drinking."

"Sounds like a blast." Nick said indifferently.

Hmm, sarcasm. Okay, clearly I deserved that.

"No, it really can be a lot of fun. For instance, last time we brought a bunch of people along and we all went whitewater rafting. That was kinda cool."

"Uh huh." Nick uttered, still sounding completely uninterested.

"That's where ..."

Breaking off in mid-sentence I suddenly remembered that that was where I'd first met Marc and I'd just almost blurted it out.

Probably not a good idea to bring that up just now. Nick is generally a fairly even-tempered guy, but given the fact that he'd beat the crap out Marc a couple of weeks ago, I thought it best not to mention his name.

"That's where ..., what?" Nick asked, still barely interested in what I was saying.

"Nothing." I said, quickly changing the subject. "Besides, Scott asked me to invite you along."

"Maybe next time, huh?" Nick smiled.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"I don't know, you seem a little, I don't know, preoccupied? Out of sorts, perhaps?"

"Nah, I'm fine." He smiled again.

Okay, if he says he's fine, then he's fine. I know how much I hate it when someone continues badgering me after I've told them something once, yet they keep on pestering me about it.

Only he didn't seem fine. Sitting behind my desk, pretending surfing the web, I watched him as he readied himself for work. He didn't seem fine at all. Nevertheless, I let it go.

Nick didn't say anything else. He finished dressing and left for work. I started packing my gear for tomorrow's trip.

Later that night when Nick came in, I looked up to see him covered with dirt and debris.

"What happened to you?" I asked.

"Some asshole ran me off the road." He fumed.

"What? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, my bike's in worse shape than I am." He replied.

"Well, what happened?"

"I don't know. He just seemed to come out of nowhere and started my riding my ass and flashing his lights, so I tried to pull over to let him pass but he wouldn't. He just kept after me until he forced me off the side of the road. The he just blazed a trail out of there."

"Dude, you should call the police!"

"And tell them what, somebody scared me and I fell off my bike?"

"Well, you could at least report the incident."

"No thanks." He said, collapsing onto the recliner. "And I know what you're thinking, but that was definitely a guy behind the wheel of that truck."

Nick was probably right. I just stood silently looking him over for any obvious signs of injury. There were none.

"Do you want me to get you something?" I asked.

"Nah, I'm cool. Just need to calm down a bit."

I wanted to go over to him and wipe the dirt away and hold him. Instead I fixed him a drink and just sat quietly with him for a while.

A little while later after he'd cleaned himself up he came out onto the deck where I had resumed packing my camping gear.

"Listen, there's something I have to tell you." He said, quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Nicole's been hanging around the bar lately." He said.

"Uh huh."

He told me about all her efforts to win him back. Apparently she'd tried everything from pleading to alluding to a fake pregnancy.

I didn't know what to think. This revelation on the heels of the burning down of his trailer and the current incidence of him being run off the road. All sorts of things ran through my mind, but I didn't flinch.

"Okay." I said, getting up to get myself a drink.

He followed me back inside.

She wanted him back and I didn't blame her. Nick is a rare individual. Even having him as a friend is more than enough for anyone.

"And I know what you're thinking, but I know she didn't burn me out."

"Yeah," I nodded. "Actually, I wasn't thinking that at all."

"Anyway, she's just bored and lonely." Nick said. "In the past, I was always her 'bored and lonely' guy. Her 'go to guy' when all else failed, she could always turn to me when things weren't going so well in her life. Apparently, she's batted around the order and I'm up again."

"I see." I said carefully.

I was on precarious ground here. If he wanted to go back to her, he would go, regardless of what I said or felt. And I didn't want him to feel that I would stand in his way.

"Okay, so what now?" I asked.

He gave me the most curious look and then sighed. His posture was neither encouraging nor hopeful. Then his face went blank.

"Well, I've been her 'go to' guy for a long time." Nick said flatly.

I felt a little panicked but I also knew it wouldn't do any good to express that emotion if his mind was already made up. So I tried to be mature and looked him straight in the eye. I tried to think quickly and diplomatically.

"Listen man, your invitation to stay here is always open." I said. "No matter what you decide, I'd like you to always consider me your."

Nick's eyes glistened with more expression and emotion at that moment than I'd ever seen before. His eyebrows furrowed, then they arched up curiously. He stood and ran his fingers through my hair.

"Dude." He said gruffly. "It was never a question of whether I would go back to her. I was just a little troubled about the fact that I hadn't told you about it.

"Even if this thing between you and me doesn't work out, I would never go back to her." Nick assured.

"Alright." I shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant and feeling a wary sort of relief. "Up to you."

We made love like lost boys that night It was incredible.

"You sure you don't want to come camping?" I asked Nick.

"No, that's your guys thing, huh?." He nodded. "I'll go next time you have a rafting trip or something like that, now that sounds like fun."

"Okay, I'm gonna hold you to that."

After we got to the campsite late Friday afternoon, Scott and I set up camp and cracked open a few beers.

"So you're coming into the office all next week, right?" Scott asked.

"Yeah, I've got some code that I need to go over with you."

That's one of benefits of working as a programming contractor, I can do most of my work at home. I only going into the office when absolutely necessary.

Generally I work from home, but occasionally I have to go in and discuss whatever project I've been assigned with the project manager. That's usually Scott. I like it that way.

Sitting in cubical all day, like I used to is very counter- productive for me. I can't think in small spaces.

"I've just been a little preoccupied with this whole lawsuit thing." I told him.

"Yeah, what's going on with that?" Scott asked.

"Well, not much at the moment. But my lawyer says, worst case scenario, we'll offer them a small settlement to make it go away."

"And why exactly are you being sued?"

"Long story short, I did some programming work for these low-rent punks. Surprisingly, they had me sign a non-disclosure agreement. Well, they're trying to sue me for violating that."

"Yeah, so what did happen?"

"Oh, their little fly-by-night operation went belly up, not my fault of course. But they found out that I did some work for a similar company and now they're claiming a conflict of interest. Accusing me of violating the non-disclosure agreement.

"My lawyer thinks that they just found out how much I'm worth so they wanna try to drain my bank account, since I declined their offer to become an investor."

"I see." Scott said. "So, what now?"

"My lawyer's got some people researching and verifying paper work, checking dates, et cetera. We'll see what happens." I shrugged.

We drank late into the night and I was feeling pretty damn good. Completely relaxed for the first time in quite a while.

I love being out in the woods, camping. I suppose that's a holdover from my Marine Corps days.

The next day, Scott fished, I watched and we both continued drinking.

"So, how's your boyfriend?" Scott jibed, after we'd hiked back from the river.

"Don't say that."

"Don't say what?" Scott chuckled.

"Don't call him my boyfriend." I said, a little annoyed. "He's just ... , we're just friends. What are you, a ten year old?"

"Sorry, I just thinks its funny." Scott laughed. "Way to bring the room down, Captain Bummer."

"What exactly is so funny?" I asked.

"I don't know, just the way you get so freaked out about it." He chuckled. "Of course, I never would have suspected a thing, no one would have. But you gave yourself away."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, I wish you could see the look on your face right now.

"Oh, and that day at your house, remember, when I met him?" Scott laughed, remembering my embarrassment. "When he came out of the bathroom, you got the most bizarre look on your face, it was hilarious. Like a little kid, caught stealing from the cookie jar. It was priceless."

"Yeah, I was there, remember." I said, a little exasperated.

Looking back, I suppose it probably was funny as hell.

Scott just giggled for a while as I busied myself stoking the campfire.

"So why didn't you bring him this weekend?" He asked, giving me a sidelong glance, like he knew something that I didn't. "You know I'm cool with it."

"I don't know."

"Oh," Scott muttered. He looked deeply disappointed in me.

"There's nothing wrong in a little man on man action." He continued. "I mean, if you love each other. Hell, even if you don't. Do you love him?

"Dude! Would you please..." I interrupted.

"Don't fucking 'Dude' me! You can talk to me about this. Hell man, I thought our friendship was deeper that!"

The scowl on his face really surprised me. I was quite taken aback.

"Sorry." I apologized.

"Look, don't let this get between us. I'm more your boyfriend than he is. He said using air quotes. "Well, except for the sex thing."

"Even so..." I countered.

"Come on Craig, that's bullshit and you know it!" Scott fumed indignantly. "We've been friends a long time and you know all my deepest, darkest secrets. Now I have to persuade and bargain with you about what we share and what we don't share? Hell, I'd rather not be friends at all."

Scott was right. We have been friends a long time and he's been very trustworthy the whole way.

"Honestly, Nick had to work." I conceded.

"That's all I asked."

"Can we change the subject now?"

"Alright, alright, don't get your little panties in twist." Scott chuckled. "But you do see how weird you are now, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know. It just feels weird, you know, sharing this. And phrases like 'don't get your panties in twist' doesn't help."

"That's precisely what I'm saying. You're too sensitive about all of this. You need to relax man. Just take it in stride. Its just the two of us here. Its clear that you want it known and I certainly won't tell anyone."

"Look, this might be easy for you but ..."

"Oh boy!" Scott got up and strode towards me. "No, its not easy for me either. Hell, I kinda feel like you've been cheating on me. Well, at the very least, you've been dishonest with me."

I was speechless. Unable even to put forth a cogent argument. He had me dead to rights.

He's not really threatening to me, he just has a way of beating me down with words. I'm not sure but I think I cringed a little bit.

Scott sat down again thankfully. His words just hung there in the air for a while. We exchanged glances in silence every few seconds until I could no longer stand it.

"Look, I just never had any reason to share that part of my life with anyone. Life can be pretty tough, who needs the extra pressure?" I opined. "I guess I never wanted to tell anyone cause I didn't want anyone to look at me differently. I just didn't want to share and I still don't."

"Well, don't look now, but I think you just shared something." Scott said.

He got up and came toward me with his arms outspread like he wanted a hug.

As I got up to face him, he cuffed me sharply in the back of the head.

"We're friends, best friends! We tell each other EVERYTHING without fear of judgment or reprisals. We'll be fair with each other and most of all we don't spare each other's feelings. Got it?!"

"Yeah." I smiled.

Scott smile broadly and hugged me close.

"But dude, most of all, and this is important...", he grabbed the back of my neck tightly and pulled my forehead to his, "we trust each other, alright?. And never, ever tell each other's secrets. Agreed?"

"Agreed." I said, pushing him back from me.

"It's a lot cheaper than therapy and much more beneficial, I think." He grumbled taking seat again. "So, when I can meet him?"

"You've already met him, remember." I retorted. "Anyway, why are you so interested in him?"

"Don't be so defensive, I'm not interested in him." Scott said earnestly. "You're my friend. My interest lies in what he sees in you.

Scott paused for effect, as he often does. I remained quiet.

"Anyway, I'm sure I have some idea. But look, I just wanna make sure he's not some shady character, who's up to no good."

"Dude, I told you, he's working." I replied.

"I'm serious. I wanna meet him." Scott insisted.

"Well, thanks for that, but I'm a big boy and I won't let you bully me into some weird face to face meeting." I smiled. "Besides, I don't recall you being this concerned about all the women that your wife keeps setting me up with."

"Fair enough, but those are all Julia's friends. My wife's bunch of horny, wanna-be debutants, how much damage could they do?" He laughed. "Wait a minute, don't answer that."

We both laughed.

"Anyway, I'm not trying to set you up."

"Whatever."

"Oh, wait dude," Scott paused, remembering something, "and by the way, I know you slept with more than one of them or does your memory fail you? I know you're getting older but did you forgot to share?"

"So, I forgot to tell you."

"Yeah right", he nodded. "Its okay, given the newness of our sharing policy, I can find a way to forgive your transgression, but don't forget our pact! And in the interest of sharing, I've got a lot to share.

"Anyway, from what I understand", He leaned forward in a confidential manner, "you're quite the talented uh..., I believe, 'lover' was the term they used."

"What? How the hell do you know all that?" I complained.

"You know women can't keep any secrets." He quipped.

"Apparently." I grumbled.

"There was even talk of size." He whispered conspiratorially. "You know, girth and length. You should be very proud. There're all very impressed."

"Oh, for Pete's sake." I sighed, dropping my head. I was beyond embarrassed.

Scott seemed to be enjoying himself immensely, grinning like an idiot.

"At any rate, my house seems to be their sacred gabbing ground. And well, you overhear things, you know?" Scott shrugged. "Why do you think I spend so much time away from there?"

"You don't seem to have missed very much."

"Well, in this case, they were discussing you, so, I was obligated to 'accidentally overhear' what they were saying about my buddy. Its my duty to keep you up to speed right?"

"Yes, that's very altruistic of you."

"Of course, and you're being very uncooperative this weekend." Scott sighed, resignedly. "Cut it out!"

"Sorry."

"Alright, here's a question, why'd you chose the oldest of them to pork? I don't quite get that." Scott asked, shaking his head, looking mystified.

"First of all, pork is not a verb, you jackass. Second, I guess its because they're nicer to me. More appreciative." I shrugged. "And by the way, early thirties is not old."

"Yeah, early thirties, that's hilarious." He laughing and still shaking his head. "You are some piece of work."

We sat quietly staring at the fire and drinking for a while. Save for the sounds of the various gases being emitted, primarily by Scott, it was pretty quiet and peaceful. I glanced over and found him watching me and smiling.

"What?" I flinched defensively.

"Look, obviously you don't feel comfortable enough yet to discuss this whole thing with you and Nick. And I get that, believe me, I do. I've been there.

"And knowing how tight lipped you are, you probably don't discuss it with anyone at all. I'm just saying, I'm here for you man, seriously. If you want."

"Alright, dial it down a notch Oprah, you've made your point and now you're about to make me puke." I said.

Scott busted out laughing. We both lost it.

"Jeez, I'm not in some fragile mental state, its just a guy, for crying out loud." I chuckled.

"Alright, fair enough." Scott smiled. "Seriously though, you know what I'm saying though, right?"

"Yeah, I appreciate it."

"So listen, why don't you bring him along to the softball game next week? We'll grab a beer after, cool?"

"We'll see."

"Okay, so let me ask you this", Scott inquired, "What do you guys do in that awkward moment after sex? You know, when you don't quite know what to say to each other?"

"We go to sleep and don't worry about it, like normal guys." I said.

"Fuck!" Scott exclaimed. "That's brilliant."

I went into my tent and went to sleep.

When I got home early Sunday morning, I noticed Jason's car in the drive, but I didn't see him when I got inside.

Once inside I turned my attention the mail on the table. Then, I heard the door open behind me. Turning around, I was astonished by the sight that beheld. It was Nick, but it didn't look like the Nick that I'd left here on Friday.

The first thing I noticed was that he'd gotten his hair cut really short.

His normally thick, wavy, black locks had been buzzed down to a military style cut. Very closely tapered on the sides and only a little bit longer on top, just like mine.

This new haircut brought his deep penetrating eyes into sharp focus. I had an immediate flashback to my Marine Corps boot camp days. It was a little scary. He looked exactly like one of my drill instructors. His ever-present five o'clock shadow only enhanced his allure. He was devastatingly handsome.

As my eyes roved over him, I noticed that he was wearing a pair of black leather motorcycle chaps over his well worn Levis and a tight fitting black t-shirt. I was awestruck.

Nick just stood there staring at me, probably because I was just staring at him. Then he smiled.

"Wow!" I muttered, without thinking. "You look fucking great!"

"Thanks." He smiled. "I missed you too."

Even the dulcet tone of his deep voice seemed to stoke my lust. My dick twitched and forced its way forward.

Involuntarily, I drew in the longest breath that I can ever remember. I felt absolutely crazed with lust. I needed to mount something immediately. Preferably Nick.

In the blink of an eye, I closed the distance between us. I stood face to face, nose to nose with him, just breathing hard and staring.

My heart thumped wildly in my chest. I didn't put my hands on him, I just wanted to be close to him.

Smiling, Nick lay his motorcycle helmet and keys down on the table then turned back to me.

"Boy, you really did miss me didn't you?" He asked, searching my eyes and wrapping his hands around my waist. My dick bounced and swelled even more.

"I did." I nodded once.

We embraced and kissed like strangers in the alley behind the bar after last call.

His strong hands groping my butt as my fingers dug into the hard muscles of his shoulders and back. I ran my hand up the back of his neck and then up and over the newly acquired stubble of his head.

As our tongues became reacquainted I could felt my hips begin to grind into him.

Suddenly there was a noise out on the deck. Looking in the direction of the sliding doors that lead to deck, I noticed that the door was slightly ajar.

"Did you leave that open?" I asked.

"Nope." Nick answered.

Quietly, I walked over and peered through the sliding glass doors. There was Jason, naked as the day he was born, sunning himself on one of the chaise lounges.

I stormed out onto the deck.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Oh dude, you're back." He said peering up at me. "Just getting some sun. Look, no tan lines see?"

"You little bastard, I ought to throw your fucking ass over that railing!"

Since my deck is on the second story above a concrete landing, the fall could potentially be fatal for him.

"I was just getting some sun."

"Get your ass dressed!" I snarled, walking back inside.

Ever since the unpleasantness with Jorge, my ex, I'd been keeping a very close eye on Jason. Sure, I had forgiven him for sleeping with Jorge but this current transgression certainly wasn't working him back into my good graces.

As soon as Jason stepped through the sliding glass door, I cuffed him in the back of the head, hard.

"Dude, what the fuck?" He yelled, flinching.

I had forgotten that Nick was still in the room.

"Whoa, I'm just gonna, um, go in there." Nick said, heading off toward the bedroom.

"Why'd you do that?" Jason whined, still rubbing his head.

"Why?" I asked, incredulously. "I'm gone for two day and you're lying around here bare-assed naked, knowing full well that Nick is living here. You are unbelievable!"

"Dude, I was just trying to get some sun."

"Save it!" I barked. "You want a fucking tan, lay out on your own damn balcony or go to a salon."

I was very close to whacking him across the mouth, but I was able to control that impulse.

I composed myself and resisted my rage.

"You know there was a time when I wouldn't have thought you capable of having any ulterior motives, at least not with me.

"There was a time when I trusted you implicitly. But you fucked that up, didn't you?" I shouted.

"Ah man, not that again." He rolled his eyes. "You guys were broken up for weeks before anything happened between us."

"Oh yeah? Then why didn't you tell me about it? Why'd you have to sneak around behind my back like a spineless little bitch?"

"Oh, so now I gotta get your permission before I fuck somebody?"

This time the impulse struck before I had time to think. I backhanded him right in the eye. It was so quick that it stunned us both.

He stumbled off balance for a moment then lunged at me clumsily. I simply reached out with one hand and grabbed him around the throat, pushing him back until he slammed against the wall.

Physically, we're about the same height, but I work out regularly and clearly I'm quite a bit stronger than him, so it was easy enough to hold him pinned there. He could only clutch at my hand and struggle as I considered tightening my grip.

"No, you don't need my fucking permission!" I growled in his face.

"Uh, Craig..." Nick said from somewhere behind me.

"What!" I barked, through clenched teeth.

"Um, I don't think he can breathe."

Of course, Nick was right. I hadn't realized that my grip had tightened and Jason's face was beet red. Tears were bleeding down his cheeks.

I let him go and he slid down the wall to the floor, alternately coughing and gasping for air. I wanted to kick him, but I didn't.

"Get out." I said, maintaining what I thought was a remarkable amount of restraint and control.

I wanted more than anything to pound his face into the carpet. I wanted desperately to beat the living hell out of him, but I didn't. I just turned and walked quietly into my bedroom.

I sat on the edge of my bed, head down, staring at the floor. I was still all wound up with rage and violent anger.

This is precisely why I have to work carefully to keep myself under control because I never know when to stop. Anger has a way of consuming me. And when I finally do stop, I still have a difficult time assuaging my fury.

After Jason left, Nick came in and stood beside me. He put his hand on the back of my head and stroked it a bit.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No." I snapped.

Nick sat down on the bed beside me. He was quiet.

He waited a long time before he spoke again.

"Do you want to be alone?" He asked.

"What is it with people?" I asked. "Why do they always take your kindness for weakness?"

"I don't know man." He said, massaging the back of my neck. "Not everyone's like that. It'll be alright."

"Yeah, I know." I said, feeling a little better.

We were quiet again. One of Nick's best qualities is that he listens well and when there's nothing to be said he knows how to be quiet.

After a while, I noticed a seriously bad odor.

"Whew, I reek." I said, suddenly realizing it. "I still stink of campfire smoke and ... whatever else that is. I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Yeah, I didn't wanna say anything." Nick smiled, pinching his nose and chuckling. "I didn't wanna get beat down, too."

"Very funny." I said, standing up to undress. "Whoa, it just occurred to me. You let you me kiss and slobber all over you smelling like this?"

"There isn't much I wouldn't do for you." Nick smiled and shrugged.

And there it goes again. Another chink in the armor of my resolve. Nick has a way of producing that funny little fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach.

It makes me want to immediately grab him and tell him that I love him. But I don't. That just not my way.

Instead, I countered with a stupid question.

"So what's with the new look?" I asked.

"What?" He appeared confused at first, then, "Oh, the haircut?"

"Yeah, the haircut, the facial hair, the chaps..." I said. "You got a whole super stud thing going on there."

"Ah right, the haircut was more of an accident than anything. The girl actually made a mistake, then she freaked out a little bit. So I told her to just go ahead and take it all off."

"And the five o'clock shadow?"

"Well, I only shave when you're in town. And the chaps are just chaps, I don't know." He shrugged, looking down.

I thought, "This guy is a wet dream come true", but I said, "Well, it looks damn good on you."

The company softball game was going quite well. Playing third base, I caught a pop fly and hit two balls out of the park. I was fast becoming something of a legend.

"So is Nick coming or not?" Scott asked while I was on deck, waiting to bat.

"Give it a rest, dude."

Around the middle of sixth inning Nick showed up and Scott immediately subbed him in for some guy who hadn't got a hit the whole game.

That was when my own game started to go to hell. I struck out, then popped up. I think I was trying too hard to impress Nick.

Despite my lackluster performance near the end, we won the game and both teams headed off to the bar for drinks.

At the bar, Scott chatted up Nick like he was trying to land him. I think he was trying a little too hard as well. Actually they got along a lot better than I'd hoped. I was glad.

"So Nick, where're you from?" Scott asked.

"Originally, Santa Barbara." He answered. "My place here recently burned down. Craig's letting me crash with him for a while."

"That's our Craig." Scott said, ruffling my hair. "Such a nice guy, isn't he?"

I frowned a little, pushing his hand away, while they continued to talk and joke around. Nick's skill as a conversationalist is first rate. He's quick witted, sharp and has an amazing sense of humor.

I noticed a guy from the game, sitting a few seats down the table, looking at me. He gave me a brief smile before looking away. I also recognized him from Scott's office.

"You've got to come on our next camping trip." Scott told Nick. "We'll work it around your schedule, cool?"

"Sure, sounds like fun." Nick replied.

The guy who kept making eye contact with me moved to our end of the table, sitting next to Scott and across from Nick.

"Hey guys." He said as he joined us.

"Hey there Declan, how's it going?" Scott said.

"Not bad, not bad." He said. "You guys played some good ball out there today."

"Thanks." We both said.

"Are you new?" Declan asked, looking at Nick.

"Oh, no Nick's a friend." Scott interrupted. "I was counting on that incompetent idiot Jeff. But you can see how well he played."

Nick blushed visibly. His eyes fled to mine and then back to Scott's.

"I swear, that boy can't hit for shit and he runs like an old woman. We gotta stop telling him when we're playing." Scott grumbled.

"Well, thanks for letting me play." Nick uttered.

"Hey, if you want, you can have Jeff's spot on the team permanently, Nick. Hell, if you know anything about programming, you can have his job too."

We all laughed.

"I don't know about that." Nick smiled warmly.

Meanwhile, Declan kept up his little game of eyes with me but very subtlety, so as not be obvious.

"I gotta hit the pisser. Be right back." I announced.

Just as I was about done at the urinal, I heard the door to bathroom open. Somehow, I had a feeling that he would follow me in here. He didn't say a word as he stepped up the urinal next to me. He just pulled out his semi-hard dick and turned his head in my direction.

I glanced over at him to see him staring directly at me, then down at his rather thick and hardening cock. He stroked it a couple of times but never started to piss.

"You wanna get together sometime?" Declan asked.

I just stared at him. I was done pissing and I knew I should just zip up leave, but I didn't. I just stood there, looking at him stupidly.

Suddenly, he grasped me by the elbow and pulled me into a stall with him. We locked lips immediately. He put his hand into my open fly searching for my hard cock. It was hard alright and waiting for his touch.

Declan was taller and much younger than me so it was felt wildly exotic making out with him. His piercing blue eyes never closed as his tongue delved into my mouth. His large hand was very hot and insistent on my cock.

"Someone's gonna catch us in here." I said, pulling away. "I gotta go."

Fixing myself up, I squeezed out of the stall and went to the sink to wash my hands.

Once again the bathroom door opened, this time it was Nick. He glanced at me in the mirror and walked on in. He passed Declan who actually winked at me as he walked out of the bathroom.

There was no way of telling if Nick suspected any monkey business, so I lingered at the sink waiting for him to finish. After he flushed he didn't even stop at the sink, he went straight out. Fuck!

When I got back to the table, Declan was just putting down two more pitchers of beer.

"Alright guys, I had fun today, but I gotta get going?" Nick said, shaking hands with Scott.

"Alright Nick, good meeting you and don't forget about camping." Scott smiled warmly.

"Later." Declan nodded.

Nick patted Scott on the shoulder, ignoring Declan completely as he turned to go.

"I'm gonna get going too." I said. "Later guys."

I caught up to Nick at the door and kept pace with him. Once outside, he split off without a word, heading toward his motorcycle.

"See you at home." I offered.

He turned, looking at me blankly and unemotionally. He just put his helmet on without a word. It was clear that he was pissed.

I got home just in time to see Nick coming out of the garage and heading up the stairs and into the house. I didn't bother with the garage, I just parked on the drive and sat for a moment to gather my thoughts.

When I went inside, I sat down behind my desk. Neither of us said anything to each other.

Eventually, Nick went into the bathroom to take a shower without so much as glancing in my direction.

I just sat there feeling guilty and awkward. This is precisely why I didn't want to get this close to anybody. I wanna to be able to do what I want, when I want and with whomever I want, without feeling guilty about it. I'm a grown fucking man, for Pete's sake!

All my life I've been empathetic to the feelings of others. Maybe that's just who I am. Hell, I hate to think of the alternative. Its not easy to be cold and hard, or even devious. I've tried it, its doesn't work for me.

Hell, even my lame ass defense mechanism seemed to be failing me just now. There was no real excuse for my behavior and I knew it. I made a choice. But I also made a choice when I asked Nick into my life.

After his shower, he came back out wearing only a pair of boxer briefs, which struck me as odd, since normally he wears full cut boxers just like me. Bare-chested and barefoot, he looked for all the world like an underwear model. Damp hair, muscles rippling, chest and stomach hair slicked to his torso. Very tasty.

He went over behind the bar and poured himself a drink while I watched surreptitiously. Still, he didn't glance back at me. His face was expressionless and seemed utterly devoid of animosity or attitude.

With drink in hand, he went and sat in my favorite recliner. Using the remote, he clicked on the television and sat quietly watching the Sports Center.

The silence between us was driving me crazy. Yet, there are many times when I'm working at my desk or on my computer and neither of us will make a sound for hours. I find that to be one of his best qualities. That he can be comfortable with me in complete silence and not feel the need to fill the space with nonsense chatter.

But this was different. And I was nervous. Not paranoid. Paranoid is when I'm not sure I've been caught. But I was clear on that matter.

Looking at him sitting there nearly naked, his face utterly impassive, I gave in.

"Time to get this over with." I thought, as I got up and walked over to the sofa. I sat on the end nearest the recliner and just stared at him.

"I feel guilty." I said.

He muted the already low volume.

"About what?" He asked looking directly at me.

"That Declan guy asked me if I wanted to get together with him sometime."

"I'm sure people ask you out all the time. Have you seen you? You're a great looking guy. Why should that make you feel guilty?"

Nick's attitude and question took me by surprise. I didn't let it show, I just moved right along. I took a deep breath and pressed forward.

"I told him no. That I couldn't."

Nick sipped his drink and shifted a little in his seat. Then he cleared his throat before speaking.

"So, you feel guilty because he asked or because you wanted to?"

"I don't know, both I suppose."

Nick seemed to consider this answer for a moment before speaking again.

"Yeah, he is a good looking guy."

Another sip from his drink and another long pause.

I tried to read Nick's body language as best I could, but there was just no way to be objective, looking at his nearly naked body while his muscles flexed with every movement and all the subtle little ways he has of just being Nick, its impossible not be distracted. I couldn't read him. And his face said nothing.

"Let me tell you where I am on that." He said, staring intently at me.

Shit, I got really nervous then.

"I like you." He said looking a bit too sad. "I like you a lot and I want you to be happy because that's what makes me happy.

"But dude, your life is yours to live, you've got to live it the way you want. Don't let me be the cause of any guilt or discomfort in your life."

He didn't even blink. Then without hesitation as if he was completely sure of himself he continued. His brow furrowing in a way too mature manner that distressed me.

"That kind of thing only breeds frustration and resentment. I don't think either of us wants that."

I felt my stomach drop to the floor. Its over I thought. This is, so not where I was hoping the conversation would go.

"If it would make you happy to be with someone else, you should go for it. I see the way people look at you. Dude, you're a stud and you're a nice guy. And like I said before, I want you to be happy."

So this was it? I was fired? I felt really feverish and more than a little panicked.

Obviously, I didn't want to lose Nick. But at the same time, I was trying desperately to pull off that impassive mask that I'd seen so often on his own face. But in truth, I was only hanging on to my composure by a very loose thread.

Before I got all weepy eyed, I took a moment and looked away from him in hopes of staving off an emotional eruption. I didn't think this was the time for weakness. I needed every bit of my resolve not to appear a whiny little boy. I had to try to think of a way to fix this. I was wavering desperately on a precarious precipice.

Nick had seemed to throw me a tentative life line and I felt like if I didn't give the right answer, his only choice would be to let me drop.

"I like you a lot too and I want you to be happy." I said, scrambling for the right words to convey my concern, yet not sound as desperate as I felt. "I mean, all I really want is for you to be happy."

I turned back to face Nick. "That's why I didn't take him up on his offer. I didn't want to. I want you."

The lump had receded from my throat but my eyes were still a bit misty.

Nick nodded a little, eyes still on me, as if to say, "Nice save."

"So?" I questioned, holding his eye contact.

"Dude, you need to understand that I'm not with you because I like guys. I'm with you because I like you, period." Nick said. "I'm not with you because I couldn't find anything else better to do. And generally, you do make me happy."

He smiled, then finally looked away.

I was about to respond, but my instincts told me to just be still. Nick continued his thought.

"I'm with you because I genuinely like you." His gaze swept over me then back out toward the ocean. "You've always given me the feeling that you were happy with who I am.

"You've never seemed to want to change me or insisted that I feel the same as you on any subject.

"Its just a given that we agree to disagree on certain things and I like that. You are who you are and you let me be who I am. I never really realized that that was what I wanted before I met you.

"You've always seemed to just let me exist exactly as you found me and I do appreciate it, trust me." He turned and looked me straight in the eye. "I appreciate you, period."

I couldn't stop it, I had to say something at this point.

"Dude, me too." I agreed, dropping a tear and quickly wiping it away. "I mean like you too and you're very important to me.

I've always found it very difficult to say precisely what I mean, but I meant that and much more. I wanted to grab him and hug him but I restrained myself.

"And, no I've never thought of you as my project to fix, I'm just glad you are who you are today!"

My voice wavered a bit and I was a little embarrassed about not being able to express myself as eloquent as he had, but I had a great deal of passion flowing through my veins.

"I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't want you to be with anyone else." I declared.

After my voice had betrayed me and I finally became aware that I was moving about the room desperately, like a man trying to prove his case, I stopped dead in my tracks, just looking at him. My heart was pounding and I felt pathetically exposed. This is not the hard image that I had intended to convey.

"I'm with the person that I wanna be with too." He said, finishing his drink. "For now."

"Oh, dude... Harsh!" I frowned, but I knew he was kidding or at least I hope he was.

I wondered briefly why both of had danced around the word 'love' so easily. Was it his doing or mine? We had both been very careful not to use that word.

Nick grinned as he got up to pour himself another drink. My eyes traveled over his muscular torso, lingering at his nice sized package, then down to his well developed, muscular legs. Oh but, that hairy chest and stomach drives me crazy.

Nick is beautiful from top to bottom. Porn star beautiful, and no one can honestly dispute that fact. I felt lucky to have him.

I once saw a guy on the net named Colton Ford, I don't know if that's his real name, but Nick looks a lot like this guy, but I can't or won't tell him that. Nick is real and he belongs to me for now. Colton is just a man while Nick is nearing some weird god-like status in my mind.

At that moment, I finally understood the meaning of the boxer briefs. He wanted me to be clear on what I'd be forfeiting should I choose someone else over him. Maybe that was his plan all along, maybe not. I don't care. There was never any argument or any other choice.

He needn't have gone to the trouble. As much as I love the way he looks, things have gone way beyond that now. I've glimpse more important things in his heart and mind that have a much greater value to me than his appearance.

Just then he looked at me, I mean really looked at me. He set down his drink and walked towards me.

For one second his eyes seemed to speak to me. I could see the desire and need in him that I don't often see. I can get completely lost in his eyes and briefly I wonder if knows that, if that is all in his plan. Yet I can't control the instinctive desire to fuck him. To drive my pole deep into him. I melted into him. I want him more than anything.

His aggressive strength startled me as he quickly and forcefully maneuvered me into a position that made me feel supplicant. Then he kissed and held me. We were beautiful for a moment.

His mouth and kisses fell on me like a brave spring shower. It meant forgiveness and more over it felt like he loved me as much as I loved him.

A man's can kiss is never clear except in his own mind. And I accept that.

Women play with a kiss and it can mean anything to them, but for a man the right kind of kiss means fuck me or I'm going to fuck you. Its very simple.

Nick pulled me over the back of the sofa and lay down on his back with me on top of him. Looking at those eyes I never want to fuck him because I that it hurts him in the beginning, but I just can't resist. But I also know the look when the pain fades and his eyes turn to relief once I'm inside him fully.

His eyes are very tricky. Most times I can't look at him and tell what he feels based on the color. I have to feel his voice or mood.

From ten feet, his eyes look sort of murky, gray, but at five feet they look brown and if you're lucky enough to be one or two from them, they look sort of green and sparkly. But after I slide into him and he finally opens them, they're always the same shiny shade of green. Sparkling and shining up or down at me depending on our position.

However, they assume the same luster when he's pissed, so I don't ever know if he's mad or in lust. This man has charms that he even he can't control.

"Look, we're both guys right? Grown men, sort of?" He shrugged, nodding. "Let's not make this a whole complicated thing, alright?

"If we like each other we should keep it that way." He smiled up at me. "I don't want you to feeling guilty about being attracted to other people. So if you want an open relationship, I think I can roll with that."

"You're lying." I smiled, my eyes roaming over his strong, muscular and oh, so flawless body.

I grabbed his face and made sure that I had is focus.

"You can't 'roll with that' and neither can I. You're not that guy. And I don't wanna be that guy either, not with you anyway."

I kissed his forehead.

"There's no way I'm sharing you with anyone."

Almost before I knew it Nick was on top of me and insisting entry into me.

He was out of his shorts and had my legs up on his waist. My mind was still on our conversation while he was slicking my hole with his spit.

There was a brief second when I saw stars and then the head of his dick was in me and he was showing no mercy.

I couldn't believe how easily my body opened to him. But it hurt like hell. This wasn't a brief moment event either.

"Nick!" I yelled, but there was no stopping him.

He pushed in and I just endured the pain, with his arms around my body. It was tough but I didn't stop him.

I knew that he wasn't going to stop so I just allowed him stuff me to the point where I thought I might just bust open. God, it was painful.

Nick's hard dick is quite huge. Even just the first few inches filled me like a huge tree trunk being shoved inside me. It hurt like hell and I know he meant to put every inch of it inside me. For one merciful second I thought I might pass out from the pain, but I didn't.

Once you've been opened like that all you can do is wait until its over. That fat cock pushed in and held me open for what seemed like forever.

I desperately wanted him to stop, but I knew that he'd endured far worse when I'd plowed into body, without mercy, so I just cowboy'ed up and took it like a man.

Nick drove into me relentlessly, but soon he found my lips and kissed me. I kissed him back cause it was all I could do. His cock hadn't felt so big before.

The first time we did this wasn't easy but I don't remember it being so difficult for me.

With all of his meat deep inside me, I could barely catch a full breath. He lay still for a long time and I was grateful.

Then he began to fuck me. He took it easy on me at first, but that only prolonged the eternity of having a dick inside me.

His stamina amazed even me. He pushed and pounded and pile drove into me for longer than any angry man should have. Again, I found it hard to breathe.

The fucking, the sensation of it slowly filled my senses and I couldn't keep my hands off him while he drove that giant pole inside me. I didn't love it, but I was no longer in agony. My internal organs seemed to have moved to accomodate his pole and my libido was starting to respond to his driving cock.

The more he fucked, the more my dick started to grow. And soon I was fully erect. I could feel my asshole starting to grip his enormous cock on the out strokes.

I was going to cum soon and there was nothing that I could do about it.

I knew it was a grudge fuck but I tried to keep my orgasm in line with his. Eventually, Nick came wildly. His cock flexed and spasmed wildly inside me.

His wild gyrations drove me over the edge. I grabbed my cock as if it were trying to get away. And indeed it had gotten away from me. I was shooting before I could stop it. Not that I wanted to.

I could feel my ass was jerking around and squeezing tightly around his fat dick, while my dick throbbed wildly as gobs of goo flew out all over me. My hand worked furiously to keep up. My legs flexed and tried to pull him closer. My toes curled and uncurled uncontrollably.

When I was done, I felt exhausted, then violated.

We just stared at each other for longer than either of us was happy with. Then I was angry with him. I pushed him off but he came back and snuggled close to me.

It felt like I'd been 'prison-fucked' and I wanted to punch him, but I didn't.

Staring at him I almost did something that I knew I would regret. I was so very close. But instead I went another way. I just cuddled with him for a while until I was able to get a better hold on my feelings and emotions.

There's always been something about guys sharing a sexual experience that excites me. Men cumming in close proximity to one another excites me for some reason. Whether they're cumming on each other or in each or on other people, I just dig it. I guess you can say I have a fetish.

Later when he awoke, he smiled up at me.

"This would be the perfect time to change your mind about me, if you were so inclined." I said.

"I'm not that easily dissuaded." Nick smiled.

Unable to control myself, I traced one finger down the line of hair that leads to the waistband of his underwear.

Nick grabbed my hand preventing any further exploration.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Seeing the sights."

"Do you think you deserve a tour after your behavior this evening?"

"Well, yeah."

Looking a little shocked, Nick scoffed turning his face away as I tried to kiss him.

"Look, I'm sorry I behaved so badly." I apologized. "You know, with Declan."

Nick smiled at me again and stroked my face.

"Don't be sorry, just don't do it again. Everyone behaves badly." He said kissing me. "More importantly, don't feel like you have to hide it from me. I'm not here to police your actions or make you feel guilty for how you feel.

"We're both men, I understand your impulses to a certain extent, but just don't make me feel like a fool by trying to hide whatever comes naturally."

"I told you what happened, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you were really on the fence about it. Very diplomatic. And I don't want you to think you need to be that way with me." He said.

"I'm not some love struck little kid, I'm a grown man who lives in the real world. I know there's a lot of people out there who you'll find attractive and who'll try to get into your pants.

And if you decide that's what you want or if this thing between us dissolves of its own accord, you need to know that I don't want to be your enemy. Unless you make me feel foolish. I have as much manly pride as you do. I just ask that you respect that."

"I do." I said, feeling a renewed sense of guilt.

"His attraction to you was obvious and I had already guessed what was about to happened when he followed you into the bathroom." Nick chuckled. "You know, it took all of my self restraint not to knock the hell out of that guy as he smugly walked past me.

"Just be honest with me, that's all I ask."

"I will, I swear." I assured him.

"Good." He said, shoving my hand down his shorts.

Later when he awoke, he smiled up at me.

"This would be the perfect time to change your mind about me, if you were so inclined." I said.

"I'm not that easily dissuaded." Nick smiled.

Unable to control myself, I traced one finger down the line of hair that leads to the waistband of his underwear.

Nick grabbed my hand preventing any further exploration.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Seeing the sights."

"Do you think you deserve a tour after your behavior this evening?"

"Well, yeah."

Looking a little shocked, Nick scoffed turning his face away as I tried to kiss him.

"Look, I'm sorry I behaved so badly." I apologized. "You know, with Declan."

Nick smiled at me again and stroked my face.

"Don't be sorry, just don't do it again. Everyone behaves badly." He said kissing me. "More importantly, don't feel like you have to hide it from me. I'm not here to police your actions or make you feel guilty for how you feel.

"We're both men, I understand your impulses to a certain extent, but just don't make me feel like a fool by trying to hide whatever comes naturally."

"I told you what happened, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you were really on the fence about it. Very diplomatic. And I don't want you to think you need to be that way with me." He said.

"I'm not some love struck little kid, I'm a grown man who lives in the real world. I know there's a lot of people out there who you'll find attractive and who'll try to get into your pants.

And if you decide that's what you want or if this thing between us dissolves of its own accord, you need to know that I don't want to be your enemy. Unless you make me feel foolish. I have as much manly pride as you do. I just ask that you respect that."

"I do." I said, feeling a renewed sense of guilt.

"His attraction to you was obvious and I had already guessed what was about to happened when he followed you into the bathroom." Nick chuckled. "You know, it took all of my self restraint not to knock the hell out of that guy as he smugly walked past me.

"Just be honest with me, that's all I ask."

"I will, I swear." I assured him.

"Good." He said, shoving my hand down his shorts.

This time I went upside him, but I was far more sensitive to his needs than before.

"Afterwards, I said, "I need you more than you know. Why do you think I went ape-shit on Jason the other day?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Nick asked getting up and putting on his shorts.

"The other day when he was here trying to seduce you."

His ass looked just as good in boxers as it had when he was naked. My thoughts began to wander.

"Well, as much fun as it was watching you choke him to near death, you don't have to worry about Jason ever seducing me. Its not me he's interested in, and for the record, I don't think it was Jorge that he was interested in either." Nick said walking away from me.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"How do I put this?" He pondered. "You can be a bit oblivious at times and I'm sure its difficult to be objective about someone you've known for so long. But I'm telling you, Jason's got a thing for you. A serious thing."

"What?"

"You just don't see it cause you're too close to it. The way he looks at you. The way he talks about you. The things he says to people, well me, are very passive aggressive. Very territorial." Nick informed me. "He's got it bad for you. Everyone else is just an obstacle."

"You're kidding me right?" I laughed.

"If you say so." Nick shrugged.

I found his theory hard to believe. But it completely made sense. I just hadn't seen it from that point of view. It had never occurred to me.

We were both quiet for a while.

"And you know, forgiveness is an absolute thing. You've either got to forgive him for that business with Jorge or don't." Nick said matter of factly. "But you can't keep throwing it at him."

I knew Nick was right. Without knowing it I'd just been wait for a chance to unload on Jason.

"I'm just saying, if you forgive him, then forgive him. And you might want to take it a little easier on him. We all make mistakes."

"Yeah." I agreed, wondering why Nick was all of a sudden on Jason's side.

He looked at me and I looked at him. We didn't say anything for a long time. After a few more drinks Nick began to speak again.

"Oh, and what's with that whole 'dangerous guy' thing you've got going on?" Nick asked. "You had that same look in your eye that day we saw Jorge at his apartment. You could have really hurt him, you know?"

"Yeah, I know." I said.

"I mean, how am I suppose to explain to the cops that I just let you strangle a guy to death in front of me?"

"Well, that easy, you wouldn't have to explain anything to the cops." I said, jokingly. "I'd would have just buried him out back."

Nick was not amused. In fact his gazed turned morose.

"You should really be careful with that temper of yours." He warned, his voice taking on a weird, ominous tone.

He suddenly got very quiet and pensive. His brow furrowed and his eyes got a far off look in them.

"You know I was just kidding, what's wrong?" I asked. "You're not afraid of me are you?"

"No." He mumbled, shaking his head distractedly.

He walked out onto the deck and I followed him.

"Well, what is it?" I questioned gently.

"My father had a temper like that." He said, still staring off into the distance. "When something set him off he was like a rampaging bull, unable to control himself. Unstoppable."

Suddenly his eyes misted over. I reached out to stroke his back but he shrugged me off gently and walked out the deck. Following him out, I offered him a sip of the scotch I'd just poured for myself.

I just looked at him, then out over the water at nothing in particular.

"The summer before I started high school," he started, then paused for another sip, "a friend of mine, Jamie and I were in the garage just fooling around."

I turned to look at him. He just continue to stare into space as if he were already transported back to that summer day.

"Things got a little frisky and we both ended up inside the garage with raging hardons. One thing led to another, soon Jamie had his back to me and was pushing his pants down around his knees.

"I had unfastened my pants and was just about to touch him when I heard a noise. I turned to see my father storming towards us. I freaked. He was supposed to be at work at that time of day, but there he was with look in his eyes, kind of like you get sometimes."

I just stood spellbound by Nick was telling me.

"He was on us in seconds. But knowing my father and how violent he could be, I deftly dodged his grasp, scuttling around and past him, I got out of the garage fastening my pants.

"That's when I heard it. Jamie was gurgling and struggling for air. My father had him by the neck and was shaking him wildly."

Nick's voice seem to tremble a bit but he went on.

"I witnessed the moment that the life passed out of him. His head just flopped at a weird angle and stopped struggling. I couldn't move. I was frozen to that spot.

"Then my father just let him drop to the garage floor. He crumpled in a sickening heap at my father's feet. Then my dad turned his gaze on me. That was all it took to mobilize me. I fled into the house, desperately trying to think of what to do or where I could hide. I quickly realized that was fruitless so I went straight out the front door.

"Jeez!" I gasped suddenly. "What happened then?"

Nick just looked at me shaking his head.

"I don't know." He finally said, dropping his eyes. "I just know that I never saw him again. As far as anyone else knew, he'd just gone missing, presumed abducted."

I was utterly speechless. I just stood there gawking at him. When his eyes finally met mine again, I snapped out of it, closing my gaping jaw. Still, I didn't know what to say.

"You want another drink?" I asked.

Without a word he handed me the glass. I went inside and poured us each another glass of scotch, gathering my thoughts and taking several deep breaths before going back out to him.

"Where did you go?" I asked, handing him one of the scotches.

He drank deeply before answering.

"Well, luckily for me, my brother had just graduated and taken an apartment across town near campus. I don't remember how I got there, I just remember him finding me in a corner of the lobby of his building."

"He just kept asking me what happened over and over. I couldn't bring myself to tell him. When he threatened to call home, I freaked and tried to run again.

"At that point he guessed that it had something to do with our dad and promised that he wouldn't call.

"Later that evening my mother showed up, worried out of her mind. I didn't know what my father had told her, but I doubted that he'd told her what had really happened. I certainly couldn't bring myself to tell her.

"After a while, it was decided that I would stay where I was for the time being. They were both well aware of my father's volatile temper, but only I knew just how bad it could get. I told them that I was never going back there again. They both tried to comfort me until I stopped shaking and finally went to sleep.

"The next day my mother brought some of my things and fixed dinner for my brother and me. And that's the way things went from then on. She would come by three or four times a week and we never really discussed what happened.

"I still lived in perpetual fear that my father would turn up one day or that he would catch me on the street somewhere, but by the time I was a senior I suppose I'd calmed down enough to act like a normal person.

"After graduation, my brother got a job offer in Miami and fortunately for me, I got a scholarship to Stanford. But then the unthinkable happened. My father showed up at my graduation.

"He just stood looking at me, then shook my hand and congratulated me. I was too scared to say anything, I just waited for him to walk away. Then I headed straight the bathroom and heaved my guts out."

My heart began to ache for Nick.

"Anyway, after my left for Miami, my mom traded in her old car for a newer one and drove me up to Stanford. I begged my mother not to tell him where I was going to college. She told me that I had nothing to worry about.

"When we got there, I was surprised to find that my mom had already gotten me an apartment and had it all up for me. She stayed with me for a couple of weeks before breaking the news that she would not be going back to my father. She'd filed for divorce some time ago and would be going back to Greece to live.

"She told me that I could come to Greece after I graduated, if I wanted, but she doubted that I would want to by then. Of course she had already planned out holiday vacations for me to come there when and if I should choose to do so.

"Then, before she left, she signed over her car title to me and gave me a rather sizable check to live on. I received a check from her every month thereafter."

"Do you miss her?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, but I've gone there a few times to visit. She lives with her sister in a pretty big place on Corfu. It's a great place and she seems happy there."

Nick was quiet for a while after that. Then he looked at me and looked at him.

"I still never felt quite safe, so I started taking martial arts classes in my sophomore year. Got pretty good at it."

"Yeah, I noticed when you put the beat down on Marc that day." I smiled, running my hand through his hair and then down to the back of his neck.

"That didn't stop him from showing up though." He said, locking eyes with me.

"Oh shit, he stalked you?"

"Well, he only showed up the one time. Still it terrified it me but I faced him."

"What happened?"

"He tried to apologize and make things better between us. Obviously it didn't work and I asked him never to come near me again. He agreed to my wishes. I didn't see him again until just before he died."

I had a lump in my throat and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I pulled Nick to me and kissed his forehead. I felt so sad for him. My beautiful sweet boy, harboring such a deep scar on his soul.

Then I felt angry. How could anyone terrorize their own child like that, for so long. But I realized that all my righteous indignation was pointless. All I could do was work to make things better for him from now on.

I just held him in my arms for a long time. And I'm not real sure, but I think he wept quietly for just a little a little while.

"You know, I've never told anyone that story before." He said, looking out at the water again.

"You feel better?" I asked, hugging him close.

"I don't know." He chuckled. "A little I guess. Come on, let's go inside."

He lay with his head in my lap on the sofa watching Sports Center. I just stroked his head until I heard him snoring lightly.

My temper's actually not that bad though, you really have to push me pretty far to get a reaction out of me like Jason had.

Although, there was that time in third grade, when I stabbed a kid with my pencil for taunting me. That was pretty bad. Then there was the time in tenth grade that I tried to beat a guy's head through the pavement, but he'd deserved it.

I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I didn't want to remember any more examples. Nick was right, it would be wise for me to exercise a little restraint.

That night in bed, finding his meat growing under my grasp made horny again. Quickly he shucked off his underpants and guided my hand right to his boner.

Repositioning his naked body between my legs, he lay back and showed me his method for jacking off. Silently, he instructed and guided my hands. One hand on his balls and the other on his huge stalk.

From the sounds that Nick was making, I guessed that I was doing a good job. It wasn't difficult. It was almost exactly like doing it to myself, only this was hotter. His cock felt hot and the throbbing was not in time with my heartbeat.

He guided my hand until he was very close. I held and lightly massaged his balls as if they were my own. My own dick dug into his backside through my shorts.

Suddenly, Nick grabbed my hand, insisting that I go faster. We stroked him quickly at first and then slowly. I could feel his palm on the back of my hand as his dick exploded. He shot three explosive volleys right away, then I lost count. His writhing body and close proximity to mine made me lose it in my shorts. I hadn't even known that I was close.

My arms instinctively went around his body as I ground into him and unloaded in my shorts. I pumped and pumped until my balls were empty.

Assisting someone else in a jack off session is a lot more satisfying than I'd ever imagined.

Nick quickly cleaned up and dragged us both into the shower.

The next day when I walked into Scott's office he went right into juvenile idiot mode.

"You lucky fucker!" He said, closing the door.

"What?"

"What do you mean, what?" He insisted. "You've got all of Julia's girlfriends drooling over you. And now Nick. Let me tell you my friend, you really could have done worse."

"Thanks." I said.

"What do you mean yeah? Dude, he's a very cool guy." He said, in a low but excited tone. "And a hell of a softball player. And, well, let's face it, he's gorgeous."

"Yeah, I know. What do you want me to say?"

"Well, you could be a little more excited." Scott said.

I just shrugged, throwing up my hands, completely at a loss. What could I say?

"So what's the sex like, good?" He whispered conspiratorially.

"What are twelve years old?" I asked incredulously. "Unbelievable!"

I ran into Declan sometime after lunch. I was able to explain my situation while politely declining his offer and without revealing too many details.

"Well, if you ever change your mind, you know where I am." He smiled.

Nick and I started doing a lot more things together other than sex. I took him out to the gun range and taught him all that I know about firearms. He introduced me to snowboarding. Exchanging talents and knowledge seemed to bond us like brothers, best friends. I don't know about him but I was very impressed with the vast array of things that he knows how to do well.

Very often I find myself just looking at him in absolute wonder. I try to calculate the odds of me meeting someone like him. The odds seem astronomical. Sometimes he catches me quietly staring and just smiles broadly.

"Why do you watch me so intently?" He asked quietly. "As if you expect me to do something wildly shocking or explosive."

"Sorry, does it bother you?"

"No, not at all." He smiled reassuringly. "Just curious."

"I don't know, I guess its your eyes. The way they always look so calm and compassionate. You never appear to be worried or anxious about anything. And then there's the color, I mean they're so brown, then green, then some other thing that I can't even define. Looking at you has an oddly soothing effect on me. I don't know.

"You know how when you wake up from an extremely pleasant dream but you can't quite remember what it was that made you feel so good? And you feel a little sad that whatever it was is now gone.

"I suppose I expect you disappear at any moment and that all I'll be left with is a sort of sad longing. I guess I just wanna take in as much as I can while I still can.

"I mean even the way you walk, with that self-assured swagger. The way you move. The odd thing is that it doesn't come off as smug or arrogant like one would think. You just seem to walk with a purpose." I confessed.

He just looked at me quizzically for a moment. Thick eyebrows arched in wonderment. Then he smiled broadly.

"Sometimes you say the oddest things." Nick smiled. "While it makes sense, its almost always unexpected."

"Why, what were you expecting?" I laughed.

"Well, it certainly wasn't that." He laughed too. "I guess I expected some nonsense about aesthetic appreciation."

"And so I give you a whole other kind of nonsense."

"No, it certainly isn't nonsense. Just, surprising. And unexpected."

At dinner, he caught me off guard with a question that really kind of summed a few things up for us both.

"You love me, don't you?" He said, rather offhandedly.

It was more of an accusation than a question.

At first I was stunned, just sitting there with my mouth full of food looking at him wide eyed.

"Maybe." I answered, after a moment.

"I don't blame you." He smiled broadly.

We both chuckled and finished our meals.

Spending so much time with him gave me an enormous feeling satisfaction. Its like I completely forget myself when I'm with him. Everyday worries and anxieties seem to fade into the background and I feel happy and relaxed.

And now I can't think why I was so afraid before. If this thing falls apart and we go our separate ways, I'll just have to suck it up and get over it. At least we'll have had a good run.

Just on a whim one day I hustled him into the car and drove us up the coast without telling him where we were going. It amazes me how easily Nick will go along with me without questions.

"You know this is the first time I've ever seen you drive this thing." Nick said, playing with navigation system controls and then CD player.

"I'm more comfortable in the Jeep." I said.

"Well, as a passenger, I gotta tell you, I'm more comfortable in this Lexus SUV. How much more did you pay for this RX edition over the LX?"

"I don't know, I never even considered the LX."

"Well, good choice. This thing is sweet." Nick said. "I was beginning to think it wasn't yours, the way you never drive it."

"Who's else would it be, parked in my garage?" I chuckled.

"I don't know."

"You could have taken it anytime you wanted. You should have said something." I told him.

"I guess, like you, I feel more comfortable with my everyday vehicle. My bike is my baby. I only have the pickup in case I need to move."

Ten hours later as I pulled up to one of the best hotels in the very upscale and fashionable 'Nob Hill' district of San Francisco, Nick didn't even blink an eye. The Fairmont is one of the best hotels in world.

After we were inside the well appointed suite and the bellman was properly tipped and on his way out, Nick wheeled on heels and stared at me.

"What? No good?"

I, myself was overwhelmed by the grandiosity and lavishness of the suite. It was spectacular. Much more than I'd expected.

"Hardly." He snorted. "I guess I just didn't understood that you had this kind of money."

"Well, I wouldn't stay here if you weren't with me."

"I see." He said, looking around. "You're not a cheap guy, not even thrifty by any stretch, but no one would ever guess how well off you are. I mean guys our age tend to be pretty extravagant even when they can't afford it."

Standing on the balcony, Nick looked out over one of my favorite cities in the whole world. The sky was overcast and it was a bit foggy.

I'd forgotten how much I love the dreariness and stark reality of the Bay Area on days like this. Coming up behind him, I slipped my arms around Nick's waist and kissed the back of his neck.

"What's this?" Nick said, sliding his hand behind himself and up my thigh.

"I think the scientific term for it is a raging hardon."

With almost no effort he was able extract my throbbing cock from my pants and stroke it without even turning around.

Within seconds, I had unfastened his pants and had him pressed firmly up against the railing. With his trousers now down around his ankles, I was soon kissing the small of his back and then biting into the muscled flesh of his perfectly round butt.

Spitting onto my fingers I used them to massage his tight little hole as he moaned quietly. Trapped between me and railing with his pants around his ankles severely restricting his ability to move, Nick made it clear that he wanted me.

I stood and he guided my hard dick right between the round globes of his beautiful ass. He spit on his finger to provide a little more lube and instantly I was grinding into his opening.

It took some effort but I was able to get inside him as he bent forward slightly lean out further over the balcony railing.

"Oh, fuck." Nick grunted as I began to slide into him.

"You alright?" I asked, coming up short.

"Yeah." He moaned. "It just feels like its bigger."

"You want me to stop?"

"No." He said, reaching behind me and pulling me forward by my ass.

"Ahggg." Nick grunted again as I slid into him up to halfway point.

I was far enough in him to start working myself back and forth. Bracing myself with my hands around his waist, I began to push and pull my hips further invading Nick's butt and opening him up for my assault.

Soon I was sliding through his tight opening faster and pumping his backside harder. He was quiet now except for the occasional sigh. I felt him reaching for his own cock and I stopped him.

"No." I said into his ear as I pulled his hand away. "I'm going to need that in a minute."

As I pulled his body upright and pressed my chest to his back, Nick relax back onto me while I drove my sword deep inside him. I ran my hands under his shirt and over his chest and abs as I pounded his tight ass.

Shove after shove brought me closer to the brink until Nick was the only thing that my consciousness could perceive. The whole world seemed to disappear and there was only him, with me.

Despite the cool air around us, I could feel the sweat on Nick's body. I continued to pound his ass until the shockwave of my orgasm wracked my body and mind with pleasure. Biting into his neck I held onto his body as tightly as I could.

I kept pumping Nick's ass until I couldn't anymore. When I finally was able to relax a bit, I realized with a shiver that it was drizzling down on us.

As I slowly slid my cock out of him, I held onto Nick's thick and throbbing member.

"Let's get inside." I said.

No sooner than I was through door, Nick tackled me to the carpeted floor and faster than I could think, my pants gone and my legs up around Nick's waist.

"Don't you want to go into the bedroom." I asked.

"Not really." Nick said as he took aim and skewered my butt.

"Oh shit." I yelled as I felt my muscles fighting to keep him out.

It was no use. Nick's big fat cock was steely hard and relentless. He drove himself forward with an urgency that I could barely fathom.

"Dude, wait. Please!" I begged.

But it was too late, he had breached my opening and within seconds he was blazing a fiery trail up through my backside. It felt like he was tearing me open. Once he was inside, there was stopping the onslaught of pain. Every inch that he drove into me was excruciating.

Somehow, my muscles seemed to stop functioning, I was paralyzed with pain. Then I felt myself break out in a cold sweat as a wave of nausea swept over me. Looking up at Nick, I could only plead with him through my eyes. My mouth couldn't even form words, neither could my brain.

Nick was staring down at me with a dazed look in his eyes. I hadn't realized it but he had stopped moving inside me. With that crazy little glint in his eyes he dropped his mouth to mine and began to make love to my lips. I was barely able to respond since my body had only just began to feel like it was mine again.

Still in deep pain, I was finally able to breathe again and respond to his kisses. I felt my arms and legs go around him in embrace. Out of curiosity, I reached down between us and felt where his cock met my sore but open asshole.

I horrified as I realized that only the head of his big fucking cock and perhaps an inch or so was inside me. There was still what felt like yards and yards to go. Such a huge cock!

Involuntarily, my ass muscles clamped down and that made Nick moan.

"Oh man, why'd you do that?" He asked.

There was no other way out of this. I summoned every bit of fortitude that I had within me. Reaching behind him, I grabbing his perfectly round ass cheeks and pulled him into me. Simultaneously, I tried to relax my butt muscles, but it didn't help.

Nick's big cock tore into me with a vengeance like I'd never known. The experience was much like thrusting my hand into an open flame and then leaving it there to burn.

"Oh fuck, that hurts!" I exclaimed.

"Do you want me to take it out?" Nick whispered into my ear.

With every fiber in my being, I did want him to take it out. I felt as if someone had driven a huge log with all the bark still on it into my body and it was holding me wide open.

Soon, I realized that I wasn't breathing. I drew in a sharp breath and exhaled loudly as I gripped his hard ass cheeks and pulled him further into me.

It hurt like hell, but I gritted my teeth and soon I felt like his dick pushing the air from my lungs. Still he wasn't all the way in.

I don't remember ever having felt so much pain before. I wanted desperately for it to over and done. I was just about to tell him to stop when with one final push he thrust forward and was buried so deep in me that I couldn't catch my breath.

I felt my mind fading. Then Nick started to move in and out of me. He was fully inside me and just moving his monster cock around. I could swear that my organs were rearranging themselves to accommodate this massive intrusion.

'Full' was the only word my mind could conjure.

"Are you alright?" Nick asked. "Does it still hurt?"

I couldn't even form a word. But yes, it did still hurt.

I vaguely felt him wipe the sweat from my brow and kiss me as he to settled into me. Into my ass. This was Nick's show now, he could pretty much do anything he wanted to me.

Its unclear to me why or how other people allow, indeed enjoy such a huge intrusion inside their bodies.

The power of a massive dick is incredibly underrated.

With my legs around his waist I felt every movement of his body as he began fucking me.

With every press forward, I could feel the air being forced out of my lungs. My ass was no longer the issue here. He was controlling my ability to breathe and it felt like he had complete mastery over my body. I realized that I didn't care anymore. I relinquished all control to him.

This big man on top of me, using me to fulfill his sexual desire and it felt like he was killing me. The driving force and energy that he put into me was unbearable. Then I remembered how it must feel on his end, from his point of view.

Soon I felt his hands behind my knees and he was moving in and out of my body at will. I realized that I couldn't stop him even if I wanted to. He had me nailed to the floor and was plowing my ass like a man on a mission.

I don't remember when the pain stopped, I just remember thinking that I was just happy to be able to breathe.

Nick's massive cock was dominating every aspect of my being as he hovered above me, holding my legs wide.

In and out, the pressure, then the lack of pressure. I had no control over it. The pain, the pleasure of it. I don't remember it ever feeling like this before. I couldn't understand if I was angry with him or if I was happy. The problem is that I had no control.

Then Nick leaned down into me. He began thrusting hard and uncontrollably, like a dog humping a leg. I realized that he was working toward his orgasm and that idea made me want nothing more than to get him off.

Nothing fires the imagination more than a man working toward orgasm. It's a hot and terribly exciting thing.

I couldn't stop my hands gripping onto him or my hips thrusting back into him as he drove deeper and deeper into me. I could feel his fat cock each time as it seemed to swell and knock into me.

All of a sudden I couldn't understand what I was feeling. I just knew that I couldn't get off fast enough. I couldn't take my hands off him. I needed him desperately as my asshole clamped down on his massive cock.

I drove my dick into his stomach as he unloaded inside me. The only thing keeping me from floating off the floor was weight of his body. Yet I felt like I still couldn't get close enough to him.

I grabbed and clutched at him like I thought he might be trying to get away. I couldn't believe how strong this orgasm was. It seemed that it would never end. I didn't want it to end.

When it finally did, I couldn't let go of Nick. I wouldn't let him move.

"I need to get up." He said plaintively.

Still I held onto him.

When I finally did let go of him and he stood up, I saw the red and raw looking marks on his knees.

"Dude, I'm sorry." I laughed, feeling guilty about having caused his condition.

I am more than familiar with rug burn than I care to be.

"Why?" He asked looking down at his raw knees. "I'm not. It was worth it."

Later, after ordering some snacks from room service and taking showers we lounged around on the sofa looking out at the sky.

"I still can't believe you have this kind of money." Nick mused.

"I don't know what to tell you." I shrugged with his head in my lap. "When I was poor, or more accurately, when I was living paycheck to paycheck, I always imagined that I'd want a lot more things. But then, when I could afford a lot of things, I found that I didn't really want as much stuff as I thought I did.

"I mean at first, I did go a little crazy, but then I realized that I was just collecting things that I neither needed nor really wanted.

"Most of the stuff just sat around collecting dust. The only things that I really wanted were the house I have and you."

Nick actually blushed and I felt him pull me a little closer to him.

"Although my Jeep Wrangler is important too. I have to confess that I get a new one almost every other year.

"A simple man with simple tastes." Nick leaned down and kissed me. "I like that."

It was my turn to blush.

"I only have to restrain myself when it comes to new CD's and books. Oh yeah, and new computer equipment." I confessed. "I used to like new clothes, but I have no patience for shopping anymore. I buy clothes only out of necessity now."

"Then why are you always trying to buy clothes for me?"

"I know. I'm sorry, but it makes me happy." I admitted. "Still, I haven't done it lately have I?"

"No and don't get the wrong idea." He stroked my neck. "I appreciate the sentiment. It just feels weird."

"I know." I replied nodding sympathetically. "But, we do have a little problem here."

"What?" He eyed me suspiciously.

"We're gonna need clothes for tomorrow." I ventured.

"Not if we leave now." Nick countered impassively.

Nick's face, posture and voice were all very calm and without emotion as was his way sometimes.

"You know, you sometimes remind me of 'Tom Ripley', from the Patricia Highsmith novels."

"So you think I'm an opportunistic sociopath?" He asked. "Does that excite you?"

"Maybe."

"Anyway, don't you mean the movie?" He asked.

"No, I read the books." I lied.

"No you didn't. Otherwise, you'd have them proudly displayed in your collection at home."

"Okay", I admitted. "I only saw the movies, but there were several of them and I watched them all."

"Yes, good job." He condescended. "So can we go home now?"

I love the way he always calls me on my bullshit. But I can't admit defeat, so I torture him a bit.

"Yeah!" I scoffed. "That's not going to happen. Especially not with that attitude."

"So I am a hostage then?"

"A hostage in a luxury suite? Well, only if you see it that way." I laughed. "Beside, what kind of hostage gets to stay in a nice hotel like this, with room service at his beck and call?"

"Yeah, this is nice." He smiled, softening a bit. "Well, what did you have in mind?"

I smiled up at his acquiescence.

I ordered a car and we went out shopping. Nick seemed a little embarrassed and uncomfortable, but he quickly got used to it.

"How long did you mean to keep me hostage?" Nick asked in the back of the limo.

"That's up to you."

"Okay, well, I have to be back at work tomorrow. Do you have also have a private jet to get me back in time?" He asked facetiously.

"No. I don't. But its funny that you should ask." I said. "I have something to confess."

After having bought him many expensive things that he politely rejects I think I know his mindset.

But of course, at some point it will probably be necessary to tell him that I've already bought controlling interest in the corporation that owns the bar that he works for. I guess now is as good a time to tell him as any.

It started out innocently enough. At first, I just bought his boss's franchise to enable him to get time off. I just wanted him to have a day off when he wanted it. His boss told me that the only reason they that were even above water was because of Nick.

The girls just love him and some of the guys too.

After some advice from my financial analyst I bought the place.

"I own your bar."

"What does that mean, you own my bar?"

"I just wanted you to have a day off when to."

"So basically, you co-oped my life?"

"Yes."

"You're a control freak." Nick said, looking away from me and walking toward the glass doors that peer out over the city.

"Yes." I nodded feeling less in control by the second.

"You did this for me?"

"Yes."

"Well, can I ask a favor now?"

"Of course."

"Stop doing things for me." Nick said turning to face me.

"Alright!" I nodded. "But I only did it because..."

"I know why you did it..."

"I love you." I said.

"I love you too." Nick said looking more sad than loving.

"I think you're amazing."

"Uh huh, I know."

I turned and walked away from him. I was tearing up and I didn't want to seem like the douche bag who cries at the drop of a hat.

Nick followed me and smacked me in the back of the head.

"Ow, what the fuck?"

"Don't ever walk away from me after declaring your love for me."

"Okay..." I laughed looking back at him and rubbing my head where he smacked it.

Then out of nowhere, Nick dove into me, driving me forward and to the floor. His grip was super strong and hugged me to him.

"Don't ever mistake my words or posture for

I decided not to press my luck.

"What's say we go out see some to of the sights?"

We took the Jeep and I brought him over the Bay Bridge to have a look at Alameda which is where I used to live.

I was thoroughly disappointed to find that the Naval Air Station that I'd once called home was now defunct. It was mildly depressing to see it so desolate and empty.

Over drinks in a bar on Webster Street, Nick tried to console me.

"I thought you were in the Marine Corps?" He said.

"I was, but the Marine Corps is a department of the Navy and depending on your job or Military Occupational Specialty, its more than likely that you'll be stationed somewhere with the Navy." I explained.

"So, this is where you lived?"

"Yeah, more or less."

I gave Nick the full tour of Alameda as I remember it. Then I drove us up to Berkeley where I went to school.

"Now, this place I know." He said. "We used to come up here all the time to party."

Berkeley is a unique place in my mind. Somehow I feel that I belong here. There's something about the atmosphere that always makes me think of the sixties and the seventies, the music of that era. The hippies and beatniks and all of the civil unrest and upheaval of that time. For some reason, I feel like this is my real home.

"Perhaps you lived here in a previous life." Nick offered.

"Yeah, you believe in that kind of crap?"

"I don't know?" He shrugged. "Maybe."

"Do you wanna drive down to Stanford?" I asked, remembering that was his alma mater.

"No." Nick scowled. "There's nothing there but a school. This place is much cooler."

We spent the afternoon in Berkeley. Later we drove back across the bridge and I took him to the Castro. That was huge mistake.

I nearly got into a fight after a guy tried to proposition Nick with a drink and an offer to go home with him.

"Dude you don't get it do you?" Nick said. "I'm not attracted to guys. I'm attracted to you. Seriously, if this thing between us should end, its not very likely that I'd ever end up with another guy."

I couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing.

"You never have to worry about me leaving you for another guy or anyone else for that matter." He assured me. "This thing between us is about you and me, not sex or anything else. Its just us."

I nearly cried at those words. Instead I hugged him and held him close to me.

Late one evening Jason called from jail. I went down immediately but of course they made me wait hours and hours before I was actually able to get him out. Drunk driving and resisting arrest. Nothing life too altering, but still bad.

"Are you alright?" I asked after we got into the car.

He just nodded.

I knew he wouldn't be in the mood for a lot lectures and recriminations, so I kept quiet.

He looked miserable and depressed. Tired too. I reached over and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Listen, I was little hard on you before and I'm sorry." I offered.

He looked over at me, tears welling up in his eyes. I hate it when people cry. I focused my eyes straight ahead. I started thinking about what Nick had said before.

"So, do you love him?" I asked. "Jorge?"

"Oh man, not this again." He laughed bitterly, wiping his eyes. "What do you care?"

"I don't." I said. "How did this end up me against you?"

"I don't know."

"I mean, aren't we friends?"

"I suppose."

"If we are, then let's start acting like it." I said.

"You seem to only have Nick these days." Jason complained. "I mean we used to do everything together."

"No we didn't." I smiled.

"Well, you know what I mean." He grumbled.

"Okay, duly noted." I said. "And I'll try to work on that. But you gotta remember that he is my boyfriend. And I won't have you undermining and sabotaging my relationships. Understand?"

"Yeah." He said, a little resentfully.

"Come on Jason, you know I love like you were my own brother, but I'm in love with Nick." I told him. "And even if I weren't in love with him, yours and my relationship would still be the same. We're not ever going to be lovers. I told you that way back before I ever agreed to let you come live with me. Nothing's changed."

"Yeah, I get it already." He snapped. "And I'd appreciate it if you didn't talk to me like I was ten years old."

I took a deep breath and tried stay focused.

"Okay." I said. "So is this how its gonna be?"

"What?"

"The attitude, the hostility." I said. "Cause I can really do without that."

Pulling up to his apartment, I sighed resignedly.

"I'm just tired. A little hung over. I'm sorry."

"Its okay." I said, hugging him. "Give me a call when you feel better we'll do something, alright?"

"Yeah, okay." His voice breaking. He was on the verge of tears again, head hanging.

"Its gonna be alright." I said, stroking the back of his head. "You wanna come back to the house and sleep in the loft?"

He nodded.

"You wanna go see that new movie on Friday?" I asked Nick.

"Can't. Playing a gig with 'Chaos Factor' on Friday."

"Chaos what?"

"The band, remember?" He said. "You wanna come to that instead?"

"Right, okay." I said. "Yeah, that sounds like more fun than what I was planning. What happened to the lead singer."

"Rehab."

"Ah." I nodded. "Too bad. When'd they start calling it 'Chaos Factor'?"

"Don't know."

"Oh, you don't mind if I bring Jason, do you?"

"Cool with me." He shrugged. "You should see who else you can get to come. Maybe some of those people you work with."

"Alright, I ask around."

Jason and I met Scott and Julia at bar. We found a table and waited for the show to start.

"Hey Scott, hey Julia." I greeted them. "Oh and look, you brought Marisa. Hi Marisa."

I glared at Scott and he shrugged sheepishly, like it had been beyond his control.

"So Craig, Marisa has been wondering why you haven't called her lately." Julia said.

"What happened, did Marisa lose her ability to speak as well as my number?" I chided Julia.

"Now Craig, you know very well..."

So how've you been Craig?" Marisa interrupted, smiling at Julia.

"Not bad." I grinned my most charming grin, as we all took a seat. "A little busy, but not bad."

Scott and I exchanged quick glances as Marisa squeezed in next to me.

"Well, we'll just have to have the two of you to dinner sometime." Julia insisted.

Again, Scott and I exchanged quick glances.

"Drinks Craig?" Scott said, getting up quickly. "Let's go up and get a round."

Jason seemed oblivious, looking around the room as if he himself were waiting for someone to arrive.

"Dude!" Scott exclaimed as we approached the bar. "What are you gonna do about Nick?"

"Nothing." I said. "What's to do? I swear, you're like a little kid. Are you getting some kind of weird, twisted thrill out of all this?"

"No, I am not." He frowned. "But you know how nosey Julia is. She's like a prosecutor, if she thinks I know something, she'll give me the third degree until I break under the cross. She's gotta know everything about everybody. I just want you to be prepared."

"Look 007, or should I call you 'Q'? I'll handle it, I'll tell her he's staying with me for a while since his place burned down."

"Yeah, that's good. Very good." Scott said excitedly.

"It's the truth, you moron." I laughed.

"Even better." His eyes gleamed with excitement.

"Dude, you're certifiable. You know that, right?"

Nick and the guys put on one hell of a show. He was dressed in tight leather pants and a t-shirt. He looked every bit the rock star. More importantly, he moved and sang like one. He was damn sexy up there. He looked as if he'd been born to do it. I, like everyone else was simply overwhelmed by his stage presence and charisma.

Between sets, he came over to our table. I quickly introduced him to everyone and they all seemed suitably impressed.

"Uh Craig, a quick word?" He said motioning toward the back. "Nice to meet you all."

He took me back to some storage room in the back where we made out feverishly.

"Dude, aren't you afraid we're gonna get caught?"

"Maybe. Maybe not." He shrugged. "Are you?"

"A little, yeah." I chuckled.

"Don't sweat it, this is what they gave us as a dressing room. No one's allowed back here but the band."

"Well, what if one of them comes back?"

"What, Kurt and Jack? I don't think they'd care. I've caught them mackin' on each other a few times.

"Who the Asian guy?" I asked astounded.

"Yeah and the black guy."

"What are they a couple or something?"

"I don't know what they're doing." Nick said. "I think they just like the way each other looks. They are both pretty hot looking dudes."

"What about the other guy?"

"Huh." Nick scoffed. "Oblivious. I don't even think he knows he's in a band. He's so self-absorbed, I think he believes that we're just stage props for his showcase."

"Now, back to you." Nick said, smooching me wetly again. "So who was that little honey, all up in your grill?"

"What?" I asked, completely taken aback. "Since when did you start talking like Snoop Dog?"

"Its all part of the persona." He shrugged.

"I see." I smirked, unconvinced. "Anyway, that was Marisa. She's friend of Julia's."

"Well, tell her to back off. I ain't havin' no nonsense up in here tonight." Nick said.

I just busted out laughing.

"What? Too much?" He laughed too.

"Maybe just a bit." I said still chuckling.

"Oh well, I gave it a shot." He smiled, pulling me closer.

We made out for a little while longer, then I went back out front. He went back to onstage a few minutes later.

When the band broke into their rendition of one of my favorite artist's, Josh Kelley's' song, 'Amazing', my head swiveled toward the stage.

This a little known gem of a song, that doesn't get as much play- time on the radio, as I complain to Nick a few days ago. Nick's voice and the band's talent perfectly recreated the song as it is on the compact disc.

I could clearly see Nick looking in my direction at the bridge of the song. At least I hope he was.

After the show everyone stood around congratulating him and the band on their fine performance. I was beaming with pride for him and more than a little sexually aroused by the sight of him with groupies, both male and female, hanging around vying for his attention. It was strangely erotic to see so many people, mostly young girls, adoring him for his considerable talent. And probably for the considerable package he was showing in those leather pants.

That night in bed, we made love like it was the first time.

Finally, I got Nick to agree to a weekend camping trip with Scott and I. It was all planned and we had everything packed. Nick had to manipulate his work schedule a bit so that we could leave on Friday afternoon, which meant that he to do multiple closing shifts this week. But he didn't seem to mind.

Late Thursday evening as I excitedly examined and tried out all of the new camping gear that I'd ordered from the Caleb's catalog and Gander Mountain on the deck, I heard a car pull up to the house.

Curious I went inside. But before I got to front window behind the bar, I could hear the sound of radio transmissions and guys talking. I froze.

Since there's a security gate adjoining the garage to the house that prevents anyone from just walking up the stairs to the front door, I just waited for the buzzer to ring. I could see the flashing lights reflecting off the glass as I stood by the desk.

What could Jason have done to warrant a visit from the police. Whatever it was I supposed I was ready. No matter what it may be, I'll just have to deal with it.

When phone rang, I answered.

"Yes?"

"LAPD Detective Squad. Is this the residence of Nicholas Silveri?"

What? They had to be mistaken. Nick couldn't be in trouble. Unless he was hurt. My heart rate went from mild concern to panic in an instant.

"Yes. Come up please?" I answered, ringing the buzzer.

Heart pounding with trepidation, I opened the door and peered down the stone stairwell.

"I'm Detective Kilgore and this is Detective Trout, may we come in?"

"Yes, of course."

My heart nearly erupting as I steeled myself for what they must be about to tell me.

When I arrived at the hospital, Nick was still in surgery. The extent of his injuries was pretty sever but they expected him to live. Later, when asked, I had to tell a small white lie so that I could sit with him in recovery.

"Are you a relative?"

"Yes, he's my step brother."

"Okay, you can go in."

Nothing, no words can prepare you to see someone that you love, so violently assaulted and helplessly unconscious.

As soon as I set eyes on him, my heart seized and the tears started to flow. Every bit of strength drained out of me.

One eye swollen shut, the other badly bruised and cut. His mouth swollen and battered. His right arm in a plaster cast and from the doctor's report Nick was currently minus one ruptured spleen.

There was some head trauma too. Apparently he'd been kicked or stomped in the head as well.

I couldn't prevent the gasp that escaped my throat as I went to his bedside.

My beautiful boy so horribly mauled and beaten. As he lay there motionless, all I could do was hold onto his one good hand, with its bruised and scraped knuckles.

Standing there next to him, I could feel the hot tears rolling down my cheeks. Then a huge wave of emotion ruthlessly overtook me and I began to sob uncontrollably. All I could think of was how much I loved him and how much he meant to me.

Never having been a religious man, I did what any agnostic does at a time like this. I prayed heartily for his safe recovery. I would have given up my very soul for him.

Moments and then hours passed. And then, with my head down next to his leg, weeping quietly, I felt his hand on the back of my head.

"Dude, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Nick asked.

As I looked up I winced when I saw the bright red dot coloring a large portion of the sclera in his right eye. More tears rushed out of me before I could stop them.

"How do you feel?" I asked, choking back my emotions.

"Like shit." He answered. "What happened, did I get hit by a truck?"

"No, you're alright." I assured him.

But before I could finish he was asleep again. He asked the same question each time he woke up over the next several hours. I was afraid for him. But also I was angry. Angry at whomever was responsible for this.

And this was no ordinary anger. This was the kind of anger that warrants state prison time. Someone was going to pay for this. Someone was going to pay dearly. Someone was going to have to die before this was over. And that was too bad. But so be it.

There is no other thing on this earth that I have found more profoundly damaging to my soul and human spirit than to look upon someone so dear to me, as they lay so damaged and broken before me. I, myself would rather be tortured unto death or burned alive than see such a sight as this.

Yes, someone must die for this transgression. And not an easy death either.

According to the detectives Nick had been assaulted outside his bar by unknown assailants. There was only one witness, but he had so intoxicated that all he could say was that there were two of them. And that they jumped him."

Apparently when he'd left work, he'd found that his motorcycle had been destroyed and they'd attacked him when he approached it.

Its odd how staggeringly incompetent and uninformed the police seem when you're on the victimized side of a crime, yet they're Dick Tracy when they believe you're the one who has done something wrong.

That was the feeling I got while being questioned by the police as to my whereabouts during the assault. No matter, I had my own thoughts on who might be responsible.

During my police interrogation, Scott rang me wondering where the hell I was and wanting to know why I hadn't bothered to confirm our plans to go camping.

I don't think they really suspected me but they did put me through the paces before they left me alone.

Scott and Julia showed up at the hospital a little while after that to lend their support, but I sent them home after a while because I could only remain selfless and composed for so long.

Scott came back alone later and sat with me. I was more than a little surprised to see tears in his eyes as he embraced me. By then Nick was awake and coherent.

"Alright, Scott I'm getting a little jealous. You're gonna have to get your hands off my guy." He smiled.

It was a several days before I could take him home.

As glad as I was to have him home, I got angrier and angrier as I counted the wounds and healing bruises on his body.

Nick didn't seem to remember any of it. In fact, he only vaguely remembered being at work that day. But not much after that.

Luckily, some passers-by had interrupted the attack and the assailants had fled. And after seeing how battered and bleeding Nick was one of them had gone back into the bar to alert the manager.

Otherwise, he might be dead now.

Nick suffered some bouts of short term memory loss due to the head trauma he'd suffered. The doctor couldn't say if it was going to be permanent or not.

The horror and shock of what had been done to him slowly began to coalesce into something much darker in my soul. Rage, contempt and revenge began to pollute my every waking thought. But I never let him know that.

I tried to find out from Nick who he thought might have wanted to hurt him.

Of course, he had no idea. After all, Nick is one of the nicest guys you would ever want to meet. But even so, I began to suspect that there was anyone who might be harboring a grudge against him.

Nick did finally did confess to me that there had more than one time that someone tried to force him off the road on his bike.

I knew that it had happened once, but I found myself enraged that he hadn't told me about the other occurrences. Of course I suppressed my anger while in his presence.

I thought first of hiring a detective to track the movements of my prime suspect but then reconsidered. After all, I had every intention of killing this person. I didn't want any material witnesses in case there was protracted trial.

I had to be sure before I began to stalk my prey.

One day after I'd set Nick up on the deck with a portable television and some snacks, I began to ply him for information.

"Hey, remember that day when you had it out with Marc out here?"

"What?"

"You remember, Marc?"

Marc and I had, had a brief fling while I was still getting to know Nick. He was a 'B' movie actor that I'd met through a friend of friend. He was a completely self-indulgent, self-involved asshole and I treated him as such.

"Oh yeah." Nick frowned.

"So, what did he say to you that got you so riled up that day?"

"I don't know, it was something about me being the flavor of the month and then something nasty about you."

"What was it?" I pressed.

"I don't know." Nick shrugged. "But I remember thinking that I didn't like him much and that he needed his ass kicked."

"So you hit him?" I asked.

"Of course not."

"What, he hit you?"

"No, I think I said derogatory about his lame ass career. That's when he swung at me."

"Okay, yeah, that's what I saw then."

Nick had expertly dodged Marc's jab and knocked him out in less than three seconds. I had to take Marc to hospital where he'd swore revenge against Nick.

"Why? Has that hound been sniffing around you again?"

"No." I said, smiling. "I was just wondering.

"Oh." Nick said turning back to the television.

Marc was a dead man. Now, how to exact my revenge.

Nick's recovery was pretty swift, but due in large part to his own efforts. I was glad to get him from the hospital.

"Dude, what the deal with not having any medical insurance?" I asked hovering over him, adjusting pillow and generally making sure that he was comfortable.

"I mean, for crying out loud, you used to ride a motorcycle."

"What can I say?" He just shrugged.

"Well, not to worry. After a little negotiating and some creative paperwork, I was able to get you all fixed up." I said. "Course it would have been a hell of lot simpler if we were married."

"Wait, who said I wouldn't? I'd marry you in a second." He chuckled. "Was that a proposal?"

"Doesn't quite work like that for our purposes." I laughed.

"I know what you meant." He smiled up at me as I kissed his forehead.

Nick paused thoughtfully for a moment as if trying to recall something.

"What did you mean used to ride a bike? He asked. "What happened to my bike?"

"Well, they trashed it." I answer.

"Totaled?"

"Afraid so."

"Oh well, we had a good run." He said without missing a beat.

I know precisely how much that bike meant to him, despite his pretense of nonchalance. He took care of it like a small child.

At that point, I decided to make it my mission to try to resurrect the wreck of Scott's bike. I secretly conscripted Scott to help me with the task. It turned out to be easier just to buy a new one. But I kept the remnants of the old one, just in case.

I certainly couldn't find the exact one, with all of Nick's modifications and customizations. But I came as close as I could and hid it under a tarp in the garage, behind my SUV where I knew he would never look.

While I was out, I also purchased two discreet looking, eighteen karat, white gold rings. No ornamentation. Just two unobtrusive and tasteful, identical bands. Except, around the inside of one ring, I had engraved, one simple, yet earnest sentiment. 'CB loves NS'.

Later when I got back with dinner, I greet Nick warmly and served him up his meal.

"Thanks man, you didn't have to that." He smiled. "I could've gotten something from the fridge."

"I know." I said. "But I figured since I was already out..."

After he finished his meal, he gave me a sidelong glance.

"What's up?" He asked.

"Oh, yeah, I got you something else." I said, tossing him the ring.

"What's the hell's this?" He said, catching it awkwardly in his one good hand.

He looked it over, then silently read the inscription. Then he smiled without looking up.

"Where's yours?" Nick asked, looking up at me and clearing his throat.

I showed it to him. He took it from me and just stare at me for a moment.

"Well, give me your hand." He demanded.

I did and he placed it on the appropriate finger. Then I took his hand and repeated the act on him. We kissed and then never spoke about it again.

Meanwhile, I started covertly following Marc around and observing his habits.

I realized that I was obsessing, but Nick is my boy and someone had tried to hurt him. Loyalty is worth more to me than anything.

So I confronted him one night in a bar. What was I thinking?

"Oh, hey Craig, so where's your boyfriend tonight?" He said nastily when he saw me.

It quickly turned ugly and a brawl broke out. The little bitch kneed me right in the sack when I had him down on the floor and let my elbow drop on face in the brief seconds before the excruciating pain set in.

The next day I set my plan in motion.

The first part of my plan involved a little computer fraud, so I can't and won't go into detail about how I did it. Suffice it to say, never piss off an ambitious computer programmer if you have a credit card, bank account or other means of having your identity stolen.

With all the current technological safeguards in place today this wasn't an easy task. But it was do-able.

Next, I enlisted the help of Jason. I needed him to seduce and flatter the ego of that bastard while surreptitiously planting a loaded weapon and a few grams of heroin in his car, careful not leave any fingerprints. I can't divulge where I got drugs either, but let's just say, its not hard to get.

This was part was easy. Jason is reliable and utterly irresistible to members of either sex. All I had to do was ask and he was there for me. He needed no why's or wherefores.

Jason performed his part with deadly accuracy, while I emptied Marc's bank account and max-ed out all of his credit cards. I neither wanted nor needed his assets, so I donated all of it to charity.

Then at just the right moment, I anonymously phoned the police and alerted them of his whereabouts and the fact that he was holding.

I actually sat in my car and watched as they pulled him over and searched his vehicle. They violated him and his civil rights in more ways than I can count. It was delicious.

Afterwards I went home and slept like a baby after kissing Nick goodnight. Things had gone a lot smoother than I had ever anticipated.

Then something rather unexpected and kinda awful happened. Sometime after my little walk on the dark side, I caught the tail end of a daily news blurb about some 'B' movie actor committing suicide. I broke out in a cold sweat when I the name. It was Marc.

While I didn't get any satisfaction from the news of his death, I was mildly amused by the fact that they called him one of Hollywood's most promising young talents. Oh well, that's life in the big city. Don't mess with bull young man, you'll get the horns.

"Isn't that... ?" Nick said. "I mean wasn't that... ?

"Yeah, I think it was." I said. "What do you think about getting out of here? You're well enough to travel aren't you?"

With a little coaxing, Nick agreed on a trek through Europe with me. We had decided to wait until his cast was off before we would leave.

Late one evening after a visit to travel agent and then picking some take out for dinner, I returned home to find the house dark and quiet. This seemed a little odd since Nick hates the dark. I'm the only one who turns out the light when I leave.

"Nick, I'm back."

I heard some movement in the bedroom and thought nothing of it. Then I heard a thump. Nick must've fallen.

I rushed to the bedroom, where I saw Jason struggling with Nick for a gun.

"What the hell?" I shouted, moving toward them.

Just then Jason whacked Nick on his broken arm with the butt of the automatic handgun sending him sprawling to floor, writhing in pain. Then he kicked him for good measure.

"Don't try it!" Jason sneered, turning the gun on me.

"What are you doing man?" I asked incredulously. "What's this all about?"

"If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." Jason spat at me. "Isn't that right? I'm sure Marc Vincent would agree. If he were still alive, but you saw to that didn't you?"

"Shut up!" I said through bared teeth.

I looked at Nick laying there clutching his bad arm.

"I can't believe your fucking ego man! You thought it was Marc?" He laughed crazily, eyes gleaming. "Marc was done with you when you let your little boyfriend here beat the hell out of him.

"It was me. I hired those incompetent fucks to kill your boy here. Who do you thinks been trying to run him off the road on that piece of shit motorcycle? Me! Who do think burned down that rat trap of a trailer? That's right me again."

I was stunned, to say the least.

"Why the fuck are you trying to hurt him?" I asked, thoroughly confused. "What did he ever do to you?"

"Come on, I know you're not that dense." Jason said. "He did the same thing that Jorge did, he stood in my way. That's why he's got to go too.

"Oh, Jorge was easy pickings. All I had to do was get him to fuck me. See he was a gentleman, he could stick around with that on his conscience, so he baled on you. Oh, he did try to come looking for you later, but after I told him you were already taken, well, he fucked me again and went on his merry way. And you, almost catching us together that day. That was priceless. I wouldn't have given anything to see the look on your face. He didn't hang on like this one, here.

"This one won't fuck me, hell he won't even look at me most of the time. I think he thinks he's too good for me." Jason said, looking down at Nick. "Is that right? Are you too good for me?"

Jason kicked him hard when he didn't answer.

"Don't!" I said.

"And why not?" Jason sneered. "You think he's too good for me too? You think he's better than me? He's a bartender for Christ's sake."

"Come on dude. Put the gun down." I pleaded. "We talk about this."

"Oh, you idiot, the time for talking is over." He laughed. "What did you think, you could just fuck my ass, in my own father's house no less, then fuck my best friend for good measure. Then you drag my halfway across the country. What was I suppose to be your pet? Your lapdog? You selfish mother fucker."

"You begged me to bring you with me?" I shot back.

"That's right and you did, didn't you? Cause you wanted me here. And when you got me here you just ignored me. You thought you'd just come back here, with me in tow and resume your relationship with Jorge and forget about me? I don't think so!"

"I specifically told you, before I ever brought you here, that there was not going to be anything between us. In fact, that the main condition under which I had agreed to let you come."

"Blah, blah, blah..." He droned. "You brought me anyway though, didn't you? Didn't you?"

Jason started to laugh manically. And he wouldn't quit. He laughed and laughed for what seemed like ever.

The words he spat at me vaguely resembled the truth, but some he'd gotten it all twisted in his mind. That fact however, didn't lessen the sting of remorse that shot through suddenly and with tremendous force. I felt a profound sadness well up in me, underscored with a tremendous amount of guilt. An odd mixture of guilt and compassion for this poor bastard.

Just then Nick lashed out with his foot, knocking Jason off balance.

"You fucking bastard!" Jason yell, trying desperately not to fumble the gun.

But before he could secure his grip on it again, I was on him. The gun went off. Nobody moved for a moment, then Nick smashed Jason in head with his cast, which didn't knock him out but stunned him enough to make him forget about the gun. I grabbed it and pressed it firmly into Jason's temple.

"Go ahead, shoot!" Jason dared.

I had no intention of shooting him and he knew it.

"Then get the hell off me!" He yelled, pushing me off and bolting for the door. He was gone in seconds.

"Are you okay?" I asked, looking at Nick.

"I guess." He said. "But it doesn't look like you were so lucky."

Looking down at myself, I saw a crimson stain spreading down the outside of my thigh. I knew it was just a graze by the way my trousers were ripped and it didn't hurt that much. Beside, if it had been a direct hit, I would have known it long before now.

"Nah, its alright." I said, examining it more closely. "Just a scratch."

I went out of the bedroom to see if Jason had really gone. Looking out the window, I saw his car tearing up the street. I locked the doors, which was pointless since he had the keys. I had a feeling he wouldn't be back though. Sitting with my back against the door, my head was still reeling.

"Did you really kill that guy?" Nick asked standing over me.

"No," I answered, looking up at him. "Well, not exactly."

"Not exactly?" Nick arched his eyebrows.

"I mean, I might've pushed him to the edge, but he was the one who jumped."

My mind seemed to grind to a halt like rusty piece of machinery. For a moment I couldn't seem to form any thoughts whatsoever. Then it started to chug along again.

"But he tried to hurt you." I frowned. "I mean, I thought it was him. Man, I really fucked up this time, didn't I? What Was I Thinking?"

Panic, grief and confusion all bombarded my sanity simultaneously.

"Shit!" I said, grabbing my suddenly aching head. "What have I done. What was I thinking?"

"Alright, alright, calm down." Nick said, sitting down next to me and cradling my head in his lap. "Just tell me what you did."

I told him the sordid tale, in complete detail. It sounded even worse saying it out loud. I felt the panic begin to rise again.

"Alright, take it easy man." Nick soothed, stroking my head. "There's no real problem here, because you didn't actually kill anyone, did you?"

"Technically, no."

"And besides, he was bastard. Just because he didn't do this particular thing, doesn't mean he wasn't guilty of something." Nick rationalized coolly.

"Yeah but, that doesn't mean he deserved to die." I countered.

"I'm just saying, forgetting one's conscience is not the same thing as losing it altogether. You couldn't have know. There was no way you could have known. So, you made a mistake, now its time to move on."

"You make a very persuasive argument." I said.

Nick was right, I hadn't actually killed Marc. And although that didn't exactly absolve me of guilt, there was nothing to be done about it now. What's done is done.

I felt my composure begin to return as I sat up looking straight ahead. Then I noticed that the cast on Nick's arm was crumbling into pieces.

"We've got to get that looked at." I said, feeling an odd sort of detachment.

"Yeah, later." Nick said. "Listen, does anyone besides that lunatic Jason know about this?"

"No." I said, again just staring straight ahead. "I made sure of that."

"Alright then, we have to find him."

"Then what?"

I was completely prepared for him to state the obvious. That we had to eliminate Jason. But he didn't say that. And I was only a little bothered by the fact that I wouldn't have objected to that idea.

But Nick was quiet for a moment. He seemed to be considering all that I'd told him.

"We'll just have to see." He finally said, pensively.

Both us sat there, with our backs to the wall, just staring across the room at nothing. Then I felt his hand in mine.

"You love me don't you?" He said, still looking straight ahead, again, with that accusatory tone.

"You know I do."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I would have done the same thing, had I been in your shoes." Nick said. "Except, I probably would have just killed him, outright."

"That's a very cold thing to say." I mused, eyes still staring at nothing.

"I know." He said, squeezing my hand. "But also true."

I squeezed his hand back.

"Why didn't you just shoot him when you had the chance?" Nick questioned impassively.

"I don't know." I said matching his emotionless tone. "I just couldn't."

In the days following the incident, I had my home security system enhanced to include security cameras and all new locks.

Weeks passed with no sign of Jason. I checked his apartment frequently. All of his things were there, but no Jason. I hesitated calling his dad because I had no idea what to tell him.

"Sorry Andrew, but your son has gone out of his mind, he tried to kill me and my boyfriend and now he's missing. Oh yeah, did I mention, it was all my fault?"

No, no, that was most certainly not the way to go. Besides, Andrew was one of my oldest and best friends. He'd be calling me soon anyway if he couldn't find Jason. So I'd better come up with something quick.

Finally, I worked up the nerve and called Andrew. I just wouldn't tell him anymore than I had to.

"Craig, good to hear from you. How's things?"

"Not so good actually. I can't find Jason."

"Oh yeah, he's here. He said you guys had some kind of falling out. But he wouldn't tell me what. I figured if he'd done anything wrong or was running from the law, you'd call and let me know." Andrew said. "You I can trust, him well... not so much."

"So he's there with you, huh?"

"Yeah, well he's at the house." Andrew said. "He hasn't fucked up, has he? You'd tell me if he had right?"

"No, nothing like that." I said. "I just couldn't find him and well, you know."

"Yeah, well, I can tell by the sound of your voice that's he's burned another bridge." Andrew sighed. "You don't want him back out there do you?"

"Not particularly, no."

"Thought so." He said. "Well, I know you did your best with him."

"So listen, I'll pack up his things and send them back there alright?"

"Sounds good. Hey, are sure everything's alright, you don't sound yourself Champ?"

"Yeah, I was just ... worried."

"I can relate." Andrew said. "I hope to see you soon."

"Me too."

"And Craig?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Okay."

"Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"You got your passport ready?"

"Why, what happened?" He came rushing in from the deck.

"Nothing." I said. "I just think its time we took that trip.

"And Jason?"

"Back in Ohio with his dad."

"So does that mean everything's alright?"

"Well, that mean I'm done worrying about it for now." I shrugged. "Pack your bags, we're outta here."

"Alright." He shrugged. "Where're we going?"

"I'm not sure yet. Someplace far from here though."

"Are we coming back?"

"We'll see?..."