JAMES
I pulled up alongside his car and signaled with my hand for him to wind down the window. When he did, I told him that I was going to park a block down and for him to meet me there. He nodded and rolled the window back up. I drove one block over and was lucky enough to encounter someone leaving their parking spot. Once I had pulled in, I shut off the engine and unlocked the doors, waiting for David to join me. I wasn't sure what I was going to say to him or what the purpose of telling him anything would be. In fact, a small part of me wanted to let the whole thing go. Why was I even going to burden my kid with all this shit? It wasn't as if he could change anything. But another part of me knew it was the right thing to do. He was an adult and old enough to be in the loop, even if the loop was fucked up.
The knocking on my car window brought my thoughts back to the here and now. I opened the door and got out, coming face to face with a bewildered David.
"What's going on?"
I closed the door and leaned against it, my mind drawing a blank. What the fuck was I supposed to say? How the hell should I start this conversation? All those questions and more began to circulate around in my head.
"I..lets go get some coffee. It's been along day." I could see in his eyes that he knew I was stalling but thankfully he remained quiet and let me be. We walked the three minute walk to a nearby diner in virtual silence and by the time we were seated in a booth and had placed our order, I knew I couldn't hold off on breaking the news to him.
"Your dad's sick." I couldn't get my brain to wrap around the word cancer so I just left the announcement as ambiguous as possible.
He looked at me, eyes narrowing, a look I had come to know well from him, unable to mask his confusion and overwhelming worry.
"What? How? What's wrong with him?" His words came out in chunks, his concern displayed in the tone of his voice and I'm sure if I had looked hard enough at his body language, I would have seen his tense shoulders and shaking leg.
I took a deep breath before responding.
"It's cancer. I don't know much about how bad it is or what treatment options there are but I know he's dealing with this alone and despite all the shit that we've been through, he shouldn't have to."
My own words surprised me as I had not carefully planned them in my head prior to saying them. And a deeper part of me thought that maybe, just maybe there was a little piece of me that would probably go to hell and back to make sure that my family was safe.
"Wow...I don't know what to say." His words were whispered and forced and while my urge was to pull him into a hug, I knew that that would probably embarrass the shit out of him considering we were sitting in the middle of a diner during rush hour .
"What are we gonna do?" His question was so much deeper than it seemed. It could have been interpreted so many ways. And knowing David as well as I did, I knew that his number one concern had to do with this impending move out of state.
"We are not going to do anything, David. This doesn't change your plans. You're gonna go to school, kill it with your academics and enjoy your self. Your dad and I, we're in a different place this time around so we're gonna work through this. He won't have to go through this shit alone."
And just hearing the words leave my mouth gave validity to them.
He looked at me with that little boy lost look but opted to nod in response rather than speak. I took a chance and got up, walked around to his side of the booth, sat down and carelessly placed an arm around his shoulders pulling him closer to me. He ever so slightly leaned into my embrace for a few seconds before pulling away.
"Did dad tell you all of this?" His question in that moment made so much sense. As while Neil and I were back on speaking terms, we were far from friends. I called him as needed and he did the same. I mean we were lucky if we spoke more than 3 times a month.
"No, Matt did. He thought I should know. Your dad......he and I.....we're not there yet. I don't know how I'm gonna bring this up to him. He's gonna be incredibly pissed at me. You know how he is."
A smirk graced David's face for a fraction of a second before the seriousness of the situation hit him again and he was sullen once more.
"I know. Stubborn as shit. If you need me to stay dad I......."
I didn't even give him an opportunity to finish his sentence. We weren't going there. Not now, not ever.
"You're not staying. For once, your dad and I are going to do the responsible thing. You deserve to have a life that doesn't revolve around our drama. If I could do it over again, I would have handled shit differently. I would have put your needs over my own. I'm so sorry for the way we let you down David. I know we can't go back and change things but in moving forward, we can make sure that you have the opportunity to have a normal life."
My words left me with a coal sized lump in my throat. Their impact shaking me to the core. David had spent his teenaged years in unnecessary turmoil because I wanted out and Neil couldn't deal with that. All the bickering and fighting, animosity and downright hatred had had its impact on him and i would be damned if i allowed anyone or anything to further cause trauma in his life, myself included.
"Let me deal with everything David, please. Don't say anything to your dad until I've had a chance to talk to him."
"O.K." was his only reply. At this point, the waitress had returned with our orders, halting any other conversation that we may have wanted to have. And for that, i was grateful. I felt the beginning of a tension headache begin to form and i knew it would only get worse the longer i waited to address this with Neil. I could already picture his reaction, the angry words that would probably hurled my way but for once, i didn't give a shit. I wasn't gonna let him push me away, no matter what. David needed us both in his life and the just the mere thought of him not being around in some way, shape or form, left me without the ability to breathe. The fact of the matter was this, I'd rather have insecure, unstable Neil than six feet under Neil, case closed.
As we drank our beverages, we were quiet. Conversation carried on around us but we both stayed focused on drinking and on my part, avoiding any more conversation about the situation at hand. At the end of it all, I paid the bill and we walked out. Standing outside with no distractions around, we were faced once again with the ever present elephant in the room.
"..Is he going to die?" His words sent chills down my spine despite the 90 degree weather but I forced my body and my facial expression to remain neutral as I turned to face David, my hand finding its way to his shoulder.
"NoÉ..no.he's not going to die. Jesus David, don't talk like that. Your dad is going to be ok. We're gonna be ok." And while my words may have been able to placate David, they felt hollow to my ears. I knew nothing about Neils' condition and I should not have been making such promises to my son but the parent in me could not fathom being frank with him.
"Don't worry David, I'll take care of everything, I always do. I love you and I don't want you to worry. Promise me you'll try not to worry."
Looking at his body language, the tenseness of his shoulder, the shaking of his leg, the tapping of his fingers against his pant leg, I knew that the damage was already done and even though I knew telling him what was going on was the right thing to do, I felt like shit for having to do it.
"I won't, I can't. But if you need me, let me know."
"I will."
My cell phone beeped and looking down I saw that I had a text message from work marked urgent. I sighed, my eyes looking up to meet Davids'.
"I gotta get back to work kid but call me later if you wanna talk or anything. I know you're out tonight with your friends so..."
He shook his head and backed away from me, his way for letting me know he was done with our conversation. I didn't push the issue either, instead pulling him towards me and hugging him tightly for a second before letting go.
"I love you son. We're gonna get through this."
His voice was hoarse when he responded to me and it just about broke my heart.
"I love you too dad, so fucking much."
I found myself becoming more emotional and had to force myself to pull away from him.
"So drive safely and I'll see you tomorrow in the a.m. Text me later to let me know you're locked down for the night."
"Yeah, will do." His eyes met mine for the briefest of seconds before he looked down, hands reaching into his pockets to retrieve his keys. He looked up at me again, flashed a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes and turned to leave.
"David." I called out, stopping him in his tracks. He turned once more in my direction.
"I got this." At my words, he let a genuine smile loose followed by chuckle, before continuing in the direction of his car.
When he was out of sight, I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding in and walked towards my car.
NEIL
The incessant ringing of my cell just made the headache I had all the more painful. I felt as if at any moment, my head would explode and blood would seep through my ears. Melodramatic, I know, but honestly, at this precise moment, I couldn't give two shits. It amazed me how quickly life could change. I know I shouldn't have been surprised considering all that had happened in the past two years but I was. Just when I thought that my life was finally turning a cornerÉ.BAMÉ..shit hit the fanÉ..again. And once again I felt like a little boy lost, no where and no one to turn to. I wanted so bad to pick up the phone and call him but I knew I couldn't, no matter what he said. We were so past that point that the mere idea of him even knowing frightened me to no end. I knew I was already weak in his eyes. A poor excuse for a father, a lousy partner, a sorry excuse for a man. I couldn't stand it if he knew I was a quitter on top of it all.
I pulled myself up off the floor and steadied myself against the bathroom sink. I all of a sudden felt light headed, as if I would pass out at any minute. The sudden feeling of the air fleeing my lungs frightened me. I couldn't breathe and for a second, I thought that this was it. That I had finally talked myself into an early grave. And then I felt it. A pair of arms encircled my waist and held me against a solid mass. A soothing voice urged me to take deep breaths while rubbing circles on my back. I didn't dare look up, already knowing who it was and too chicken shit to face him in the mirror.
"Neil, breathe, breathe. It's gonna be ok." I wanted so bad to believe his words but I was too tired, too worn to even hope that there was some truth to them.
"I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." My voice sounded pathetic to my own ears and I wished I had never opened my mouth. Taking a chance, I lifted my head and caught the look on his face through the bathroom mirror. It was a look of utter pity and for some reason that made me angry. Pity was one emotion that I couldn't handle right now. I turned around and pushed against his chest, forcing him to take a step back from me.
"Get off me! What the fuck are you doing here? Why are you here James?" I could feel the anger in me explode and I knew that there was no turning back now. The words had been spoken and all that there was left to do was to wait for his predictable reaction.
His eyes raked over me before finally settling on my face and I was surprised to see such a calm demeanor from him. This was not like James at all and I found his stare unnerving.
"You're not gonna push me away Neil. Not now. I'm not going anywhere. You're not gonna have to deal with this shit alone."
`Oh God! He knows'. And just the mere idea that he knew I was afflicted with this disease left me paralyzed. I felt my knees buckle before strong arms once again embraced me. This time, I didn't resist.
"Let's get you into the bedroom Neil. You need to rest."
I allowed him to take control, practically supporting half my body weight as we walked the relatively short distance to my bedroom. I felt myself lose control as he helped me unto the unmade bed, pulling the covers up over my waist. My shoulders shook, almost unnoticeable at first but as the gravity of the situation forced its way to the forefront of my mind, panic and sorrow set in, bringing with it an emotional upheaval within. My entire body shook as the tears came, followed by sobbing and guttural sounds that I didn't realize I was capable of making.
"Neil, it's gonna be ok, I promise. You're not alone, I'm not leaving you." His words at that moment was the only thing I could hold on to and when I felt pressure next to me and an arm encircle my waist from behind, realizing that James had laid beside, holding me, I felt human for the first time in months. Capable of getting out of this hell that had become my reality. But further thoughts of the future, the past or the presence, slowly faded to the background as tiredness finally set in. And sleep, which had eluded me for months, finally came.
JAMES
While he slept, I took the opportunity to walk around our old apartment. Almost everything was exactly the same way it had been when I had moved out two years ago with the exception of our family pictures which no longer adorned the wall. Other tell tale signs of my presence had also been erased. There was still little things though that reminded me of home. There was the photograph that I had taken of Neil and David in Central Park. I had gotten a photographer friend of mine to enhance the lighting so that there was an angelic glow to the picture. Man, that day had been perfect. Davids' father's day gift to Neil and I, a giant sized family portrait created In Kindergarten had been professionally laminated and hung in the space we had designated as an office slash den. I had thought by now Neil would have taken it down but no, it was still in it's place, hanging over the burgundy desk that I had bought Neil ages ago.
Thinking about my old life left an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't one to ever dwell on the past but more and more, I found myself unable to stop my mind from wondering, especially since finding out about Neil's diagnosis. All these conflicting feelings has been causing major distraction in my life to the point that I was having a difficult time focusing at work. Things were even worse for me at the end of the work day, especially when I found myself alone at home with nothing but my thoughts. I knew that I needed to talk to someone about them but that was always something difficult for me. Growing up, I was always somebody's emotional support system whether it was my mother, sister or cousins. Someone always needed me for something. They needed me to be the man of the house, the protector of somebody's honor, and I was. Every...Single...Time. It was a tough place to be when you're a kid and even as adult, I struggled with juggling so many roles. Maybe that was why I am the way I am. Emotionally disconnected from everyone and everything except for David. That was the one person who had me, all of me. Over the years, I had gotten better with expressing my feelings but considering where we've ended up, I knew I had a long way to go. I had even considered going to talk to someone but the mere idea of admitting a weakness paralyzed me. That was one vulnerability that I couldn't afford to put out there, not when things were still such a hot mess. But it didn't mean that I didn't think about it. And maybe like everything else that was an unpleasant experience in my life, I would just have to let things take their course and try to make it through the day. But right here, right now, I didn't need to be focusing on all of that. The priority was falling back into the role and making sure that Neil was ok. I was good at that. I knew how to do that flawlessly. Maybe later, when things were back on even keel, I could think about working on me, maybe.