WHAT MAKES A FAMILY
BY: Julien
This story is 100% fictional and is by no means depictive of the life of any person, place or thing. It contains sexual activities between males and should only be read if it is legal to do so in your area. Read at your own risk and enjoy. Comments are welcomed at juniorj009@gmail.com and would be very much appreciated. ENJOY!
This will be a short mini series of sort. Comments are always appreciated. Thanks. J.
JAMES
If 6 months ago someone had told me that Neil and I would be sitting in a therapist's office working on our `relationship', I would have said that they needed to get their head examined. I never would have thought in my wildest dreams that this was where we would have ended up. But like many mysteries in life, here we were, sitting next to each other on a black leather couch and paying a Dr Farseed an obscene amount of money to help us work out some of our issues as they pertained to our dissolved partnership and to David. I was getting more uncomfortable by the minute as he asked us questions, intimate questions about our sex life, our breakup and other shit like that. At times I wanted to get up and get the hell out of there but I couldn't. I had promised Neil that I would help him get his shit together but more importantly, I had made a promise to David that I would do my best to fix things and despite my personal feelings about this process, I was gonna fix things.
"So James, what do you think your culpability in the downfall of your relationship is? Do you take some responsibility for the way things are today?"
The question caught me of guard. It shouldn't have as I had asked myself that very same thing over the past year and a half but having someone else highlight it and in essence, put me on the spot, made me extremely uncomfortable and I found myself speechless for a minute.
"..........I could have probably handled things better than I did. But in that moment I just wanted out. Things weren't good for a long time between us. The bickering, the arguing over stupid shit, Neil's drinking, David's problems with school. I....I just couldn't deal." My confession rolled off of my tongue quickly and it shocked me that I was as frank as I was. I mean I was so used to being the one that everyone looked to when problems arose, but truth be told, I had a hard time dealing with the friction in my own home and I had no one to turn to or talk it out with. Having admitted that made me somewhat feel less like a man. I could feel Neil's gaze on me but I ignored it. I didn't want to see the pity in his eyes.
"Interesting......so in hindsight, do you think you left because things were just too overwhelming at that point or you fell out of love with Neil?"
I flinched visibly when he made that statement. I was definitely not liking where this conversation was headed and was looking for an escape.
"Does it matter? The relationship is done with. What does it matter why we broke up or who's fault it was. We're here to help Neil, right? So let's help Neil, let's discuss Neil, let's keep things about Neil." My voice came across as heated and I knew my face was probably just as menacing.
The therapist looked at me expressionless and wrote something down in his notebook, something that irked me even more.
"Fair enough, so let me direct the same question to your partner." He turned to look at Neil and proceeded to ask him the same question.
The room got quiet for a minute and for a moment, I thought that Neil was gonna avoid the question altogether, but then he started talking, sharing thoughts and feelings that I never thought he would. Thoughts and feelings that I didn't want to hear or face.
"........I'm insecure. I've always been, even as a kid. I constantly look for approval from others : my mom, my dad, David's mother at one point.....James. I guess I feel that I can never measure up to what other people want or expect me to be. It got worse after David's mom abandoned him."
He paused for a second and shook his head, letting out a dry, humorless laugh.
"She left my son on my mothers fucking doorstep! What kind of person does that? But then I got to thinking that if I couldn't keep someone like her happy and wanting to be with her son, what good would I be to anyone else? How pathetic was I that she would rather abandon this precious baby than stay with me and raise our son. And then I meet James, this really good-looking guy with a great personality that adores my son. He comes into our lives and just doesn't talk a good game, he shows us what we've been missing. He loves my child and me. And as time goes by, I find myself waiting for that other shoe to drop. For him to wake up and realize how fucked up in the head I am. So I drink and do all sort of stupid and embarrassing shit so that he doesn't see how pathetic I am. And I prove myself right - he walks out on me and my son."
I took a chance and looked over at Neil. Deep emotion rose up in me as I saw tears streaming down his face. And as if instinct and years of familiarity took over, I found myself putting my arm around his shoulders and pulling him towards me, his head coming to rest on my shoulder
My chest tightened and I found my breathing becoming shallower.
'What the fuck is going on with me?' was the only thought on my mind as I tried to comfort my sobbing ex.
"As you can see Mr. Wilson, you are very much apart of this process as is Mr. Stewart. His issues are his own but they have affected your relationship and continue to affect both your lives and the life of your son. I can't force you to continue therapy with Mr. Stewart but I'll tell you this, progress would go faster if you both were involved."
I had no comeback for him so I kept my mouth shut. I looked over at Neil and saw that his tear had subsided. He looked over at me, almost sheepishly and slowly pulled his body away from me. He took both his hands and used them to wipe his eyes. I knew he was probably embarrassed as hell so I tried my best to look away.
"I know I have blame in the break up ok. I know there were tons of things that I probably could have done differently. I could have talked things out instead of always fighting. I could have let him know I was feeling overwhelmed. I could have done all of those things but it doesn't change shit. We can discuss the past to death but it doesn't erase all the shit that has happened since we broke up. I don't think we could ever go back to the time when we were both happy. What would be the point anyway."
I was pissed off that I had to defend myself and my actions to this guy but I kept calm and kept my emotions in check.
He looked at me and wrote something else on his pad before clearing his throat and speaking,
"This is not about you both reuniting with each other. It's about getting the facts out on the table, laying everything down on the line and getting closure for both of you.....if that's what you both want. Maybe after this process is over you'll both decide to go your separate ways, meet other people and move on or maybe you'll both decide to give your relationship another try. Either way, in order for you both to move on from this situation, you have to be honest AND open about everything, no matter how uncomfortable it may make you feel."
And as much as I wanted to disagree with him, I knew I couldn't. The guy may have rubbed me the wrong way but he obviously knew what he was talking about. What else was there left for me to say. Thankfully, the clock on his desk started flashing, indicating that our time was up. I stood up first and nodded in his direction before walking towards the door, opening it and walking out, leaving Neil behind to deal with the logistics in regards to money and follow up appointments.
NEIL
For a minute, I was having a difficult time moving. It was as if my body was having a tough time processing what had just transpired. James had spoken more about his feelings today than he had during the year and a half since our breakup. I was saddened and more than a bit shocked at what he had to say as James was never a guy who would show his emotional state. Oh, he was expressive all right, in bed, during the heat of arguments, with David but he had never 100% let me into his inner turmoil. A sense of regret washed over me. How could I have got so caught up in my own self-pity party that I was blinded to the fact that James was feeling like he had to shoulder everything. That knowledge did nothing but make me further feel like shit.
"Neil, I think we've made headway today. I think you needed to hear that."
I looked at Dr Farseed not knowing quite how to respond. I knew that he was right but it didn't make hearing the facts any easier.
"......I never knew. I never knew he felt that way. Shit! Damn! I never knew." I paused, my throat feeling dry, my breathing becoming shallow. I took the chance and looked at Dr Farseed, his eyes meeting mine, no identifiable expression coming across his features.
"Neil, you will survive this. This is going to be a process, a long one and we have a lot of work ahead of us but I believe that you can get your life on track. Next week, lets meet at the same time, just you and I and then we'll have James come in for a follow up session."
I stood up and shook my head in acknowledgement.
"ok, ok, I'll see you next week." I almost didn't recognize the meek voice as my own and had to clear my throat and repeat myself before exiting his office.
James stood at the end of the hallway in front of the elevator, right foot tapping against the beige and white carpet. He turned as I approached and his eyes met mine. I felt the heat begin to creep up my cheeks and forced myself to break eye contact. Standing side by side, we waited for the elevator.
"I never knew you felt that way. How is it possible that we've lived together for twelve years and I never knew you were feeling like that""
I tried to read his expression and his words. Was he angry? disappointed? bewildered? I couldn't tell and if I was honest with myself, a small part of me didn't want to know.
"Damn Neil......how did we ever get to this point? Shit. I don't know how we fix this. I wanna get you the help you need but I don't think I can do this psychoanalysis bullshit. I don't want some wanna be shrink telling me shit about my life that he has no damn clue about." He never looked at me directly as he spoke but I could tell from the tone of his voice and the tightness in his neck and shoulders that he was highly agitated. If this was another place and time period, I may have reached up and massaged the knots out but that ship had sailed a long time ago.
I looked straight ahead, praying for the elevator to get here quickly as this was one conversation that I was not ready to have....not yet at least.
There must have been a God above or James was thinking along the same line as I as he switched gears and changed the topic of conversation.
"So David is expecting the results of his SAT any day now. He's nervous as shit but he's been studying extra hard, sometimes I'd have to force him to go to bed.....never thought that would ever be an issue." With that he turned to look at me, a broad grinned plastered over his features. I felt my heartbeat speed up a bit but willfully forced myself to bring it under control.
I couldn't help but smile at his words. David, like every red blooded American teenager loved his sleep and could get quite aggressive when his sleep was interrupted. Over the years, I had been the unfortunate recipient of thrown pillows and dirty socks in an effort to get five more minutes of shuteye.
"Wow. can't believe how time has flown so fast. It seems that just the other day we were looking at colleges together." And just recalling the time that David and I had spent on researching colleges through their websites and visiting nearby prospects left me feeling very nostalgic and a bit sad. I however was not going to reveal any of this to James.
"Yeah.....It's happening. Way too damn quickly if you ask me. We're supposed to be glad that he's leaving the nest right?" His voice betrayed his emotions and I found for that one moment, I connected with him on something.
"Yeah, we are. It doesn't mean that we have to feel detached to the whole experience though. He's moving away, probably somewhere far and he'll probably be gone for a while. It's gonna be a change......a big change. We're......we'll just have to deal with it."
Silence ensued as we waited for the elevator. When it finally arrived, we both got on, adorning separate sides as James pushed the button for the lobby. We rode in silence to the main floor and stepped out together. Once outside, James stopped at the entrance and took a deep breath in. I could tell he had something on his mind, something he wanted to say, but I was doubtful he would say anything. That was just James, Mr. emotionally controlling. I didn't know how much longer I could keep it together so I took the lead on conversation.
"Well......thanks for doing this. I know it's the last place you probably want to be. I know you hate me for everything that went down with David. I hate me too." My own admission felt like hot coals in my mouth and I had to swallow the lump that started to form before continuing to speak, "I don't expect you to keep coming James. I.....I see how uncomfortable you were up there and.....well......its something I need to deal with on my own. It's my problems, my issues."
I avoided his eyes as I spoke, not wanting to see the anger in them. I wouldn't have been able to deal with that....not now. Not after everything that had gone down with him, with our relationship, with David, with Tim. I couldn't deal with someone else being pissed at me and at this point, all I wanted to do was catch the train and head home.
"But anyway......I appreciate you doing this." I took a chance and turned towards him. His eyes met mine and I felt my face begin to heat.
"Neil.....listen. I don't like this whole counseling thing but I think....i think we need to come to some consensus if we're ever gonna get to a point where we can restore some communication between the three of us. I'm uncomfortable seeing a shrink but if that's what has to happen to get things back on track with David, then I'm gonna have to suck it up."
There was a moment of silence that ensued after he finished speaking and I assumed the conversation was over but he surprised with the next turn of his words,
"I don't hate you Neil. Shit......how could I after 12 years together. I hated how things went down between us and I hated what you did to David but I don't hate you. I thought I did for a long time...."
He stopped talking and let out a wry laugh.
"but I don't. I'm sad that things are at the point they're at and I hate the fact that there is so much strife between us but as for hating you, I'm past that."
I nodded my head but said nothing.
"You headed home?"
"Yeah."
"Let me give you a ride."
I didn't think I could keep my composure any longer if I had to be in such close quarters with him so I declined.
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I appreciate it but......it's been a long day, just need some time to think."
"Ok, I can respect that.....well, keep me posted about your next appointment and........maybe you, me and David can sit down and talk. We can't let this fester much longer."
There was something in his eyes that gave me pause, something more that needed to be said but he didn't say them and I was too cowardly to ask. The thought of being able to see and speak to David brought with it a tight feeling in my chest. We had not seen each other since the incident at my mothers house months ago and I had no idea where his head was at in regards to our relationship. But I couldn't allow my mind to go there, at least not here and now.
"I know. So I'll let you know about the next appointment." My words sounded strange, as if someone else was speaking them.
James looked away from me, placing his hands in his pocket. We both remained quiet for what seemed like minutes when in reality it was mere seconds.
"Ok, I'll see you around." He glanced my way and nodded in my direction before walking towards the parking lot.
I stood immobile in the same spot long after he had disappeared from view, thoughts of the day replaying in my head, from start to finish. Finally, I snapped myself out of thought and walked towards the subway, my mind anxious and somewhat fearful about what the future would hold.
DAVID
I heard the door open and pulled myself up from my position on the sofa. James walked in and pushed it close, turning the lock. He sorted through the mail before placing it on the kitchen table along with his keys. Finally he looked up and his eyes met mine, a smile flashing across his face.
"Hey kiddo, you still watching TV? Thought you were gonna go out for a bit."
I rolled my eyes and shook my head before speaking,
"It's too damn hot outside dad. Besides, there's a Jersey Shore marathon going on."
He hissed his teeth and laughed, "Jeez David. Please tell me you're not into that crap. I hope you'll remember it whenever you're tempted to drink and get drunk."
Now I was the one laughing. James never pretended to be down with todays pop culture and I found it so funny when he attempted to make parallels between reality TV and life.
"Trust me when I say I would never get caught up like these idiots. That shit is nasty. Sharing chicks, sleeping around, drinking and getting drunk 24/7.....no thanks!" And by the look that he gave me, I knew that he approved. I may have been a typically teen but I was in no way, shape or form out to destroy my body or brain cells just to fit in.
James opened the fridge, grabbed a beer and walked into the living room, sitting in the loveseat across from me. He popped the top and took a swig before placing it on the floor beside him. For a minute, both of us looked at the television in silence, watching the drama unfold on the screen and then James turned towards me and gave me that look.
That look said he wanted to talk. Not just talk talk but talk about something important, something most likely uncomfortable, something that I wouldn't want to talk about. I tried looking away but he held my gaze.
"Turn the TV off for a minute kid, we gotta talk."
I reached for the remote and switched the TV off before sitting up on the sofa, legs curled beneath me. I watched as James sat at the edge of his seat and clasped his hands together. He then took a deep breath before speaking,
"I saw your dad today. We went to go see his counselor. We got to talking about things."
He abruptly stopped talking and looked at me, as if expecting a response. I had nothing to say so I averted my gaze.
"He misses you David. He's getting the help he needs and he wants to make things up to you and....."
"And I don't give a shit. I don't want to deal with him. I only have a few months left and then I'm gone to college. Away from here, away from all the drama. I don't need this shit complicating my life." My words weren't spoke in anger but it was clear to him that I was annoyed at having to discuss my father.
"David, he's your dad. He raised you, he loves you. He fucked up, we all can agree on that but how long are you gonna punish him for that. It's been 6 months. You won't even talk to him. Is that how you plan on dealing with your relationship with him?"
I could tell from James' tone that he was exhausted at having to rehash this whole conversation with me once again. We had discussed this once before, a few weeks after our argument regarding James fucking my father, and I had made it clear that I wasn't ready to reestablish any relationship with my father......not yet anyway.
"I don't know ok. I don't know why you're pushing this." And I didn't. Why did James care if my father and I ever had a relationship again. After everything he did to our family, why would he give a shit.
"I'm pushing it because I don't want you to regret it ten years from now. You don't want to wake up one day and realize that you never got an opportunity to make things right David. Life is too damn short to be holding grudges."
"So you're saying you're cool with everything he did!?! Hitting me, fucking up our family, calling me a liar, being a drunk, being a fuck-up......" I could have probably gone on and on but James stopped me with a hand on my knee, a comforting gesture, one that reminded me of being a little kid.
"You're not being fair kid. Your dad fucked up by hitting you, no question. And to answer your question, no, I'm not cool with that shit. But in the same token, everything that went down between he and I was not all his fault. I know it's easy to blame him but we're both at fault for our issues. Your dad has his issues which he is getting help for but that has nothing to do with your relationship with him. It shouldn't stop you from having a father."
I had no idea how to respond to him so I said nothing.
"Look.....I'm not saying kiss and make up. All right. All I'm saying is sit down with him and talk. Let the three of us be grown ups and talk. You can be honest with him but lets keep our cool. I know he wants to be involved in this whole college experience and it's killing him having to sit on the sidelines. You should have seen him today in counseling David. He's a mess. I can't begin to imagine what would happen to him if you left for school never having resolved your issues with him."
I wanted to be angry with James, but the truth of the matter was that deep, deep, deep down I knew he was right, though I would never admit it to him. If I was real with myself, I would admit that the hurt of what my father had done to me had diminished over the last few months. But being the stubborn shit that I was, I was finding it difficult to let go of everything that had happened.....it was much easier to place blame on him than face the truth, whatever that was. But I wasn't ready to say any of this to James, not yet anyway.
"If I promise to think about it, will you get off my ass about this?"
"I'm not here to stress you David. That's not what I want to do. Yeah....you think about it and lets get it done. I won't bring it up again, ok."
I nodded and leaned back into the sofa. I watched as James reached for his beer and stood up.
"I got some paperwork to finish up but after, you wanna go grab some Chinese and maybe go see a movie?"
I didn't really but I knew that if I opted for one more night in, James was gonna start giving me those worry stares that I hated so much.
"Yeah....sure. Something current though ok. Not any of that foreign shit that you like."
My comment got a laugh out of him as he caught me in a gentle headlock before reaching down and kissing my forehead.
"Ok, big man, no foreign shit .....but something that I can enjoy too, ok. No Jersey Shore type nonsense. I don't need to be paying $12 for something that's already on cable"
I laughed and responded with an ok, watching him walk into his room and close the door.
When he left I was once again left to my own thoughts. I thought about what James had said and as much as I wanted to be stubborn and do my own thing, I knew it was the childish way to go about things. If anything, I needed to face what was really bothering me and deal with that. I closed my eyes and for a few seconds, allowed my mind to take me back to that time and place when shit really got out of control.
"So.....you like to party David?" I looked at him like he was out of his fucking mind and rolled my eyes. My dad might have been enthralled by him but I wasn't caught up in his bullshit, not in the least. I could see right through his bullshit faade.
"Come on....I know what its like to be seventeen. You kinda wanna do adult things but don't always have the means....i was once a kid, just like you." He laughed at his own words and sat down next to me, his knees touching mine.........big fucking mistake.
"Dude.....step off me. Why are you even in here?" He had come over when my dad was at work, under the pretense that he wanted to talk to me, get to know me better, squash any bad vibes we had since my birthday party. I let him in but was beginning to realize it was a stupid and bad move on my part.
He reached over and placed his hand on my thigh, squeezing it. I was too shocked to respond. Was he coming on to me? My mind was having a difficult time wrapping itself around what was happening.
"I want us to be friends David, good friends. I have all sorta access to things you wouldn't believe. Being a doctor does have its privileges. You want oxycodone, vicodin, fentanyl, marijuana, I can get you any of that stuff. Isn't that what all you kids are into? We could get high and watch porn if you want to."
His hand continued to squeeze my thigh and before I knew it, he was making his way closer to the opening of my shorts. And just the thought that another man was about to touch my dick snapped me back into reality and I jumped up, pushing him off my bed in the process.
"You sick fuck! Get the fuck outta my room and my house! Now!"
His eyes widened and the easy grin that adorned his face promptly disappeared.
"David.....i.....you......what's the matter?"
I looked at him as if he'd lost his mind, maybe he had. Not that I gave a shit, all I knew was that I wanted him out of here.
"Dude, you're sick! You may be fucking my father but I'm not gonna let you fuck me! Now get out......get the fuck out!"
He didn't need to be told twice. He picked himself off the floor and walked out of room. A few seconds later I heard the front door close. No sooner than he left, I found myself on my knees, vomiting the contents of my dinner into the toilet. The thought of what he was attempting to do to me made me sick to my stomach. Worst yet, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't tell my dad. He was an emotional wreck as it was and this would just make things worse. What if he didn't believe me? And I definitely could not breath a word of this to James.....no fucking way. That left one option, I'd have to avoid being around him....shouldn't be too hard to do.
Well that's what I had thought. I never intended to say anything to anyone about it, ever. But then he has insisted we go out for dinner and I just got so fucking mad and then......he hit me. The man who was supposed to love me unconditionally, protect me from shit, make me feel safe. He hit me and called me a liar. Thinking on the events that led up to that moment made my skin boil. Did James have ANY idea what he was asking me to do? Would he be so sympathetic to my father if he knew that his boyfriend had been trying to fuck me? I guess I would never know the answer to that questions cause I would die first before letting James in on that piece of information.....not in this lifetime. I had already lost one parent, I wasn't about to lose the love and respect of the other.
I was so excited to write this chapter. I feel as if things are finally picking up speed for my three favorite guys. Many of you have emailed me about the story, wanting to know if I would address elements brought up in previous chapters (ex: Dorian, Neil's healthcare). The answer to that is `we'll see'. From day to day I never know where this story will take me. But in any event, I would like to thank all of you that have been patient with me and have sent words of encouragement. It has definitely kept me motivated! Thanks for the support!
Much Love
J
BEGINNINGS December 3rd 2002 YO BDec 27 2002 heart-and-soul/ INTERACIALNov 5 2004 story-of-us/Jan 2 2003 to-sir-with-love/Dec 27 2002 heart-and-soul/MILITARYDec 21 2002 the-recruiter/RELATIONSHIPSNov 5 2004 story-of-us/Jun 6 2005 redemption/ BI RELATIONSHIPSDec 20 2002 graduation-day/