WHAT MAKES A FAMILY BY: Julien
This story is 100% fictional and is by no means depictive of the life of any person, place or thing. It contains sexual activities between males and should only be read if it is legal to do so in your area. Read at your own risk and enjoy. Comments are welcomed at juniorj009@gmail.com and would be very much appreciated. ENJOY!
Comments are always appreciated. Thanks. J.
NEIL
I sat across from him, my palms sweaty, my foot beginning to shake and all I could think of was, `damn, why does this have to be so hard.' My natural instinct was to just get up and walk away, pretend that this wasn't happening but I couldn't do that, I couldn't keep running from my life when times got tough. So I did the only thing I could, I cleared my throat and put the ball in his court.
"You said you wanted to talk......so talk."
He ran his hand though his hair and pulled himself forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his gaze not quite meeting mine. The room got eeirily quiet for a moment and then he spoke,
"It's not the way he made it sound. I.....I wouldn't do that to you Neil. I wouldn't do that to you or to your son......I love you." His voice broke and for a split second, I thought he was going to completely break down.
"I maybe was trying too hard to get him to like me....I made a joke....a bad, immature, inappropriate joke but I didn't offer him drugs or porn. You know me Neil, babe, you know I wouldn't do that."
And as much as I wanted to believe Tim, I just couldn't. The fact of the matter is that while I had been dating Tim for a while, I didn't know him well enough to call my son a liar.
I finally looked up and locked eyes with him. The pained look on his face sent an uncomfortable sensation through my body and I had to force myself to think of David. After all, he was the reason I was doing this.
"Well whatever you did Tim, it hurt David to the point that he's not talking to me anymore. He doesn't want to be around me. My own damn son fucking hates me and my relationship with you is a big part of that. I can't.........."
I found it difficult to continue speaking as a familiar knot was making its presence known, rising in my throat. I felt my eyes become watery and I knew I was only moments away from completely breaking down. I closed my eyes and for a moment, I was able to block everything out. In my mind, I was not sitting here in Tim's home, feeling as if my life was falling apart. I was instead sitting on a beach, David propped up in my lap, his mop of hair resting against my shirtless chest. Both of us watching the sun set along the Virginia Beach coastline. He must have been 3 or 4 years old. We were inseparable then.
"Neil? Neil, please." His voice brought me back to the present, back to the here and now. Back to the situation at hand. I opened my eyes and found my gaze locked unto his. The emotion that passed between us was unmistakable. There was a lot of feeling there, passion, the beginning of something stronger than like, but love, no, I could say with 100% certainty that I wasn't in love with Tim. It hurt me to know with certainty that this was how I felt, especially knowing how Tim felt about me, about our relationship. But there was not much I could do about it. I had tried to move on, to prove to myself that I could extricate myself from my previous life but truth of the matter was this, I was no closer to moving on today, than I was a year ago. But that wasn't why I was here.....no......I was here to find out what had gone down between Tim and David.......I wanted, no needed answers.
"What happened Tim? I.....I need to know. I have to fix my relationship with my son and in order for me to do that, I need to know what happened between you and David.....and don't fucking lie to me. David has done and said a lot of messed up shit but one thing my son doesn't do is lie."
And I knew in my heart that was the God honest truth.
For several minutes, Tim refused to look at me, his leg shook, he kept on adjusting his position in his chair, he avoided my eyes. A lot could have been interpreted from his actions but I refused to draw my own conclusions. I was tired of guessing, I just wanted the truth.
Finally his eyes met mine and he started to speak.
DAVID
"So.....do you still love him?" they were whispered words but I needed to know. Some of my earlier anger had dissipated and right now, I was just mentally exhausted. I was tired of all this back and forth between them Ð it was draining and took up too much of my time. And with college slowly creeping up on me at the end of the year, I need closure on this chapter of my life. I know it may have sounded a bit dramatic, but in all honesty, the stress that this whole situation had caused was enough to make we want to pack up and move anywhere but here.
His eyes met mine across the dining room table but he didn't answer me right away. I wanted to know what he was thinking so bad but if James was good at one thing, it was keeping his game face on. His hands were clasped together, thumbs constantly swirling around each other, the only indicator to me that he was as uncomfortable with this conversation as I was. I waited a minute before asking my question again.
"Are you still in love with my dad?" My voice was more forceful this time around. I wanted.......no, needed an answer. Things were so fucked up in my head that I didn't know right from left.
"David, it's complicated. I don't know how to explain this so that you can understand." His voice sounded somber, exasperated even.
"You fucked him. He hit me and took his boyfriends' side over mine and pushed you away and broke up our family and you still fucked him.....I don't get it. So just answer the question, are you in love with my father?!? Because if you are then you can just fuck off. I can't believe you'd touch him after all that shit he did to me, to us......I fucking hate him."
There was no mistaking the venom in my voice. I was angry, so damn angry and I wanted James to know it. For all these months he had been the parent that I could depend on but now, I wasn't so sure.
He reached up and ran his hand over his face, breaking eye contact for a moment. He made a sound in his throat, akin to a grunt. He then let out a sigh and caught my eye again.
"David, be for real. Whatever happens between Neil and me has nothing to do with you. It's always been that way. You should know that by now."
I shook my head, refusing to believe what he was saying. I was a part of anything and everything happening between the two of them, I always was and I always would be.
"That's not true. Whatever happens between the two of you affects me. It affects my life, whether you want to acknowledge that or not".
He sighed and leaned towards me, and for the first time in a long time I noticed just how tired he looked, how much older he had become. There were fine lines on his forehead and under his eyes were a shade darker than his skin tone. And it struck me that I couldn't remember a time when James ever looked this spent.
"I know David. Shit....you don't think I know that? You'll always be that link between your father and me whether were together or not. I.....I don't know what to tell you David. Things happened and I can't explain why I did what I did. I don't know why I did what I did. All I know is that I did it and there is no taking it back.....it happened. I'm sorry that you're upset by it but I don't know what to tell you." He sighed and once again leaned back into his chair.
"I will probably always have feeling for your dad but...........what happened, what we did, it had nothing to do with love. I think that things are probably too far gone for us to ever revisit that option again."
He was silent after that and so was I. I didn't know how I felt about what he had said. On one hand I was relieved that he didn't admit to still loving my dad but on the other hand, there was a sense of loss, that this was finally the closing chapter of our family. Things were so messed up in my head that I didn't know how to respond.
"So the question is, where do we go from here David? You're so angry with us. Our relationship has changed so much and I honestly don't know how to fix it. I need your help."
His words were softly spoken and surprised me. James was a mans man and always seemed to have the answer, at least that's the way he had always come across to me growing up. But now, sitting across from me, face sullen, he seemed unsure, uncertain, at a loss of what his next step would be.
I looked across in his direction with my eyes not quite settling on him and shrugged my shoulders. I didn't know what was next for us. And all I could do was avoid his eyes as they pleaded with me for understanding, acceptance, something.........anything.
"I've been dealing with this whole situation badly and I plan on changing that David. For your sake, I want to do what's right. I know I've let you down time and time again but there's nothing I can do now to change that, I can only move forward and do my best to fix this situation. Your dad and I, we're gonna have to get along but its gonna take time....a long time."
And even though I didn't want to acknowledge this fact, I knew he was right. Whatever was gonna happen would take time.
This whole conversation had left me drained and all I wanted to do was go into my room and lay down.
"I'm tired, gonna take a nap." My words were sullen and I could tell from James' expression that he wanted to say something, but thankfully he didn't. I wasn't in the mood to get in another round of deep conversation. I got up from the table and turned towards the direction of my room.
"David."
I stopped at the sound of James' voice but did not turn around.
I heard him let out a sigh before continuing to speak, "I love you more than you'll ever know. I've done everything I can for you and I'll continue to do everything I can for you till the day I die. You may hate me now but it won't ever change how I feel about you."
His words hung in the air and I found myself rooted to the spot despite wanting to get away from this very moment. I heard his chair scrape against the wood floor and for a moment, my body stiffened in anticipation of him touching me. But he didn't. I heard his footsteps retreat, the front door open and then gently close behind.
I don't know if I was more relieved or somewhat disappointed. All I knew was that I was mentally and physically exhausted and incapable of thinking anymore. I walked into my room, shutting the door behind me before climbing into bed and promptly falling asleep.
Sorry for the extremely long delay. This chapter is a transitional one thus the reason it is so short. My three favorite guys are going to be finally making some changes.....enough blame has been passed around so let the healing begin.
BEGINNINGS December 3rd 2002 YO B Dec 27 2002 heart-and-soul/
INTERACIAL Nov 5 2004 story-of-us/ Jan 2 2003 to-sir-with-love/
Dec 27 2002 heart-and-soul/
MILITARY Dec 21 2002 the-recruiter/
RELATIONSHIPS Nov 5 2004 story-of-us/
Jun 6 2005 redemption/
BI RELATIONSHIPS
Dec 20 2002 graduation-day/