What I've Done

This story was published first at http://www.Gayauthors.org/ as apart of the GA Winter Anthology Themed: the road not taken.

Disclaimer: The following story is Fictional. It contains descriptions of homosexual activities. if you find this type of story offensive, or viewing this material is illegal where you are, then please leave now. This is the work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living, dead, space aliens, goats, or others are purely coincidental. There may be sexual content so if this, in any form, offends you, please cease reading. Also, if you are not of legal age to read this, please don't.

Copyright 2008 L0st_cause

What I've Done By Lost Cause

"Morning, honey," my mother greeted me very kindly, as I entered the kitchen. I should have known better than to walk in there in the mornings. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her. I abruptly turned around and began walking back towards my room; but she reached out and firmly griped my arm pulling me back toward her.

"Clay... dear," she pleaded in a very weak tone, but I would not have any of it. I snatched my arm away from my mother and was about to run back to my room. My mother's eyes were wet. Just as I was about to say something to her, her whole expression changed. Her eyes widened in shock. She was no longer looking at me, though. She was staring passed me. I turned around and looked straight into the face of my father. The 5'10 man with a heavy build and red burning eyes stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Frank, you've been drinking," my mother said, unsure of what to do. However, my father didn't seem to hear her words; he didn't even seem to notice her standing there at all.

"You!" he spat angrily, pointing his finger in my direction. "Don't you dare think we will ever forgive you for what you've done to this family." I'm not sure why, but for the first time in two months, I finally looked my father in the eyes. Mother was right; he was drunk. He must have been at a bar all night.

"Frank, stop it, you're drunk. You don't know what you're saying," my mother protested. "Clay, go to your room," she told me quickly, her eyes filled with caution. I kept my eyes on my father, and he made no move to let me pass. I turned to walk the other way, but was greeted with a hand gripping my shoulder and spinning me around so I was once again facing him.

"I'm not done talking to you." My father hovered over me. I closed my eyes and waited for the blows to begin, only to hear faint pleads and cries coming from my mother.

"Frank, please!" she tried once more.

"What?" my father demanded as he let go of me and turned towards my mother. "How dare you!" he continued, now yelling at my mother. "That little shit is the reason our family is a mess. He killed our Jason!" my dad screamed at the top of his lungs. My mother began to break down in tears. That seemed to be enough to end his tirade. Just as those words left his mouth, he seemed to have sobered up in a matter of seconds. That's when I noticed his expression change from outraged to regretful. I pulled myself away from the wall and looked back at both my parents.

"He's right, mom," I said, not even recognizing my own voice. Their eyes were now fully focused on my every word. I had their attention. "It's all my fault," I barely said. I felt my whole body tremble. I turned around and my eyes quickly focused on the recent family portrait, the family that I had single-handedly destroyed.

"Clay, wait," my dad pleaded as I came down the stairs. I stood at the front door for what would likely be the last time. I had both of my duffle bags securely wrapped around each arm. Again, I met my father's eyes. I pleaded for forgiveness with my eyes, only I knew it wouldn't be that easy. This was something I needed to figure out on my own.

"Clay, I know you'd rather stay in my room, but mom thought it would be best to put one of our spare guest rooms to use. So it's all yours, buddy," my best friend for the past 15 years said to me. I stood there and watched the excitement that was plastered all over his face. Matt lived in an extremely large house with his mom. They had about 8 bedrooms in total. Seeing as how it's just Matt and his mom living in this house, they decided a while back to rent out some of the extra bedrooms. That gave them more money... not that they really needed any more.

"AHHHHH!" I screamed as I felt my left nipple being pinched and twisted. I glared at Matt who was standing but mere inches from my face. He instantly burst out into a fit of laughter.

"What the hell was that for?" I barked, trying my very best to be angry with him. It seemed no matter what I tried, I knew I wouldn't stay mad at him for very long.

"Sorry," he replied sincerely. "I was just making sure you were still alive. I thought you had died there for a second," he joked. "Sooo... what are you waiting for? Let's go inside," he said while draping an arm around my shoulder and using his other arm to open the door leading to what I thought would be my new room.

"Wow!" we said in unison at the site we were gracefully greeted with. The room was definitely nothing like I had imagined, from the king-sized bed that lay centered against the back wall to the big flat screen TV that was right next to the door. There was a computer desk made out of pure Koa wood, and a 2007 Vaio Sony PC that stood proudly on it. The room was painted in two colors. The bottom half of the room was painted black in a satin finish. The upper part of the room was painted in different shades of blue. I thought Matt must have taken me to the wrong room. I turned to leave the room. Matt looked confused.

"Dude! Where are you going?" Matt questioned as he quickly caught up to me and gently rested his hand on my shoulder.

"Sorry, I just didn't want the person who lives here to think I was trying to steal his room or anything," I said. Matt looked even more confused.

"What are you talking about?" Matt asked.

"That room," I said, getting irritated.

"What? You don't like it?" Matt asked as his face took on a very well formed pout.

"No, I love it. It's simply amazing!" I replied honestly. I had never once seen a room so magnificent.

"Then what's the problem?" Matt asked, clearly getting frustrated.

"Wouldn't whomever this room belongs to mind having two 18 year olds staring at all his stuff?" I asked.

"I don't know, lets ask him," Matt said, now sounding slightly amused.

"Umm okay..." I said, not understanding where he was going with this.

"So do you mind?" he asked after we stood there for a good five minutes. It took me another minute for everything to click. His grin got even wider as my expression changed to clear and utter shock.

"You mean..."

"Yes, dumbass, that's your room," Matt said laughing at the look I was giving him.

"You're serious...." I said. I stood there dumbfounded. "Mom said only the best for my best friend!!!" Matt grinned.

"Wow, I don't know what to say..." I stuttered. "I mean, thanks, but I really can't accept all of this," I finished, giving him my serious face.

"Nonsense," was the response that came from the middle-aged woman's voice, better known to me as Aunty Lulu. I turned around with a smile on my face, knowing exactly what she was expecting. I dropped my bags on the floor and was embraced by Matt's mother in a long, somewhat tight hug.

"I can't breathe," I joked. She let me go and playfully smacked my shoulder.

"Let me look at you," she said giving me the once over.

"Going to have to put some meat on those scrawny little bones," she commented with a grin.

"Aunty Lulu, I really can't thank you enough for letting me stay here for a little while," I said.

"Dear, you stay as long as you need to and, about the room, either you take it or I'll just throw it all out into the trash," she remarked with a sly wink.

"And you know she would, too!" Matt chimed in. I just smiled and nodded.

"Okay, well why don't you get unpacked and I'll cook us some lunch," Aunty Lulu said. She gave me another small hug, and walked back downstairs.

I picked up both bags and tossed them inside the room; Matt came in and took a seat on the bed. "Clay, stop worrying about it, you know we don't mind." I turned to see Matt watching me intensely.

"Sorry, I just... I don't know," What could I say? I was at a loss for words.

"Hey, what are best buds for, right?" Matt said smiling.

"Right," I replied, giving him a warm smile, and began unpacking my things. This was going to be the start of my new life.

I finished unpacking most of my stuff, and grabbed my duffle bag. I dumped out its remaining contents. One of few things that fell onto the floor was an old blue notebook. It was one of the things I made sure to pack. It was one of the only memories left of Jason. I bent down and picked up the book, eyeing it carefully. I took a seat on my new bed, and embraced the blue book in my arms.

"What are you doing?" Matt asked, confused at my reaction towards the notebook.

"Nothing," I replied quickly. I took the book and placed it gently next to me.

"What is that?" Matt asked pointing at the book that sat right on the other side of me.

"It's Jason's Journal," I said, looking down at the journal.

"Oh, is that it? You would have thought it was worth like a million dollars the way you treat it," Matt commented sarcastically. I ignored his smartass remark and continued unpacking the rest of my belongings.

"So why did you bring that thing?" Matt asked pointing at Jason's journal. "I mean it's not like it's really worth anything, so why would you keep it? You should just throw it away..."Matt continued, but stopped once he saw the glare I gave him.

"It's personal, you wouldn't understand," I replied calmly choosing my words very carefully.

"What is that suppose to mean?" He replied confused.

"Never mind, look I'm almost done so if you want you can head down and I'll come down in a minute," I said wanting to avoid the topic at hand.

"Yeah okay," Matt said without a care as he walked out of my room and down the stairs.

I let out a loud sigh. I got up from where I had been sitting and closed the door leading into my room. I lay down onto my bed and lifted the book in front of me. Ever since it happened I hadn't been able to read the book, I had a hard time just seeing it. I knew when I was ready for it, all my answers were in that book, well at least I hoped. I turned around so that I was now lying down on my stomach. I placed the book down on the bed and slowly opened it. The first thing I saw when opening the book was a picture. It was a picture of Jason and I, we were both standing shoulder to shoulder, with our arms crossed and big smiles on our faces. Jason was only 12 years old when the picture was taken, making me 17. Below the picture was an entry Jason must have written the day we took that picture, it read:

Hey Journal!

So today was a great day. Clay and I went to the Punahou Carnival, the one that only comes into town once every year. I had the best time; we went on every ride, TWICE! We ate pizza and cotton candy, he bought me one of the inflatable bats, and we spent a good hour hitting each other with them. Clay even won me a brand new radio, from the game where you have to use the rifle and shoot around the red star. Everyone was watching him, it was great!

So after the carnival he promised me that if I got at least all B's on my next report card that he would take me out camping with him! I know I'm going to have to study a little harder, but I know I can do it, plus he's offered to help me so I really shouldn't have a problem. I'm so lucky to have someone like him in my life. Well its time for dinner, so I'll write more later.

• Jason

I closed the book. Reading his entry made me smile for a second. I remembered that day, he was so happy... Not wanting to read anymore, I placed it gently under my bed. Hearing his words, just thinking of those memories hurt so much; who knew one could feel so much pain from a journal?

After settling into my new room, Matt agreed to help me find a summer job, so that I would have spending money of my very own and so that I could save for college in the Fall.

"I don't know about this, Matt," I protested. We were standing in front of Matt's workplace.

"Come on, Clay, you said it yourself. You want a summer job, and we both know you're great with kids," Matt countered. I looked into his dark emerald green eyes and let out a sigh.

"Fine, I'll give it a shot, but nothing's final, okay?" I stated clearly, noticing that grin of his was making its way back onto his face. With a nod, we both headed into the large three story building.

The suite we entered included a medium sized room, an office, a kitchen and two small restrooms. There were two tables in the central room used for meetings. It wasn't a newer looking building, but it was well maintained.

We entered the office. "Hey, Boss," Matt said casually to the man sitting in front of a computer, typing away. He leaned back in his chair and smiled at us.

"Hello, Matthew. Who's your friend?" he asked looking me over and giving me a warm smile that put me at ease.

"My name's Clayton, sir," I replied politely.

"You can call me Spencer," the man said, extending his hand to shake mine.

"He's interested in becoming a Summer Aide," Matt chimed in. I instantly frowned at him.

"Is that right?" he asked. Not trusting my voice, I gave him a weak nod. He seemed to think about it for a moment before he turned to me once more.

"Hmm, do you have any experience working with kids, Clayton?"

"He used to baby sit all the kids in our neighborhood and he took care of his brother," Matt replied quickly. Once he realized what he had just said, he gave me an apologetic look.

"Hmm, well I do still need one more staff member, so it looks like you've got the job," I heard him say. By that time, though, I was heading out of the office for the front door. I could hear Matt calling my name, but I didn't care. I opened the front door, only to find myself falling backwards onto the cement floor.

"Sorry," the kid muttered. He reached out to help me up, but I ignored his hand and lifted myself up. I glared at him with this sudden hate. It wasn't because he had knocked me hard, flat onto my ass, or because of what Matt said. It was the hatred I was feeling for myself. Matt stood in front of the office door in shock. I averted my gaze and, again, headed for the door. Once I was outside, I realized that Matt had driven us here and that I didn't really know where we were. Being unsure of where I was, I did what anyone else would have done. I gently leaned on the hood of Matt's 2006 BMW. I knew Matt didn't mean any harm by what he said, but hearing his words had me thinking of Jason again. All the thoughts I've been trying so hard to forget, all the nightmares that kept me awake for weeks, all came back in an instant.

A moment later, I spotted him walk out of the building, nervously looking around. Knowing that he was looking for me, I figured I'd help him out. I stood up and leaned back on his car harder, shaking it enough to set off the alarm. His head snapped in the direction of the noise. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him. His eyes locked onto mine. Matt stood there for a moment unsure of what to do. Finally, he slowly made his way towards me.

"Look, Clay, I'm sorry," Matt pleaded as he stood next to me. I turned my head and looked at him closely; I knew he was sincere. He was my best friend; he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. We just stood and watched the kids who were playing tag across the street.

"I'm not sure I can handle this," I spoke quietly, noticing how shaky my voice had become. Matt didn't look at me, but I knew he was thinking about what I had just said.

"I'll be here with you the entire way," he said trying to assure me. "The kids really aren't that bad." It wasn't the kids I was afraid of.

"It's not the kids I'm worried about, Matt..." I said, still focused on the four kids who were giggling and having what looked to be the time of their lives.

"You know you don't have to do it," he assured me. I knew he was right, it was a job after all. I could just go back in there and tell them I didn't want to do it; but I also knew why I had made the move from home, to move on, get on with my life.

"I'll do it," I said after a long pause. I was determined to overcome my fears. That shocked Matt and even me just a little.

"Are you sure?" he asked with caution, his eyes searching deeply into mine for the honest answer. Not trusting my voice, I nodded. I felt his hand grab mine as he squeezed it tightly. "I promise I'll always be here," he reassured me and that was all that I needed to hear. Matt embraced me into a tight hug for a few seconds. We broke the hug and headed back into the building that I'd be seeing a lot more of for the summer.

As we re-entered the building, Spencer was outside his office sitting in the meeting area with two girls who looked to be around our age.

"Ashley, Maria, this is my best friend, Clay, he's going to be our fourth this year," Matt said introducing me to the two girls. Ashley gave me a shy wave and Maria just smiled.

"Okay, boys, take a seat and we will get our first meeting started," Spencer said.

Matt and I spent the next week getting prepared for the program we were going to be teaching. Turns out we each were going to get a group assigned to us, from the age range of 5 - 12 year old boys and girls. In addition, we were each to pick a subject that we would be teaching the kids on Mondays - Wednesdays. So that pretty much took a day. The remainder of the week was spent at training. They taught us many things, such as Proper Child Discipline, Speaking To Parents 101, Arts & Crafts, Music & Dance, and indoor and outdoor games.

Once our training was completed, Spencer explained that there would be four different groups with 25 kids in each one. Maria got the youngest group, the kindergarteners. Ashley asked to have one of the younger groups as well, so she got the first and second graders. Matt got the oldest group of fifth and sixth graders, leaving me with the third and fourth graders. We each got a list of names of the kids who would be in our groups. We made nametags and such for them for the first day.

"Today's the big day," Matt said as he entered the room that I would be using for my classroom on the top floor. My room was pretty much the Judo room; I was teaching Indoor Fun as my class, so naturally they gave me the safest room for doing games. Half of the judo room was covered with mats, so the kids were able to run on them and play without having to worry about falling and getting hurt.

"Yeah, I'm kind of nervous," I replied honestly. This was going to be my first time watching 25 kids at once, not to mention having to teach them and run all sorts of different activities for them.

"You'll do fine," Matt assured me.

"Thanks," I replied.

"The kids should be coming within the next hour so lets get outside and start meeting some parents," Matt said, not looking too thrilled about this part of the job.

"Mr. Clay, Mr. Clay!!" One of my kids, Leo, shouted just as the summer program ended for the day.

"Yes, Leo?" I asked while smiling at the 10 year old boy. He abruptly grabbed my hand as soon as I got close enough to him and began pulling me outside of the building.

"I want you to meet my brother!" Leo screamed in excitement.

"Sorry, Leo, but I have to..." I tried to make up some story for why I couldn't meet his brother, but he wouldn't let me.

"PLEASE MR. CLAY!!!" Leo begged a lot louder, putting on his best puppy dog face.

"Well I can't say no to that face." I smiled at the grin that quickly replaced his puppy dog face. Once we got out of the building, Leo looked all over for his brother, but he couldn't seem to find him anywhere. After another ten minutes of searching, Leo looked as if he was about ready to start crying.

"Leo, it's okay, he's probably just running a little late. What do you say about going to the playground and waiting for him there?" I suggested, hoping it would cheer him up. Much to my surprise, it did.

"Okay, I'll race you there, GO!" he screamed as he let go of my hand and ran for the playground, with me just a few inches behind him.

"EVAN!" Leo screamed, an hour later, at the tall, brown haired figure that made his way towards the playground. Leo ran up to him and leaped into his arms giving him a big hug. Moments later, he was dragging Evan towards me as I sat on the bench. The closer they got, the more I noticed about him. He wasn't as tall as I had thought. As a matter of fact, he was about my height, 5'11. Unlike me, though, he was more toned. His mixed brown hair was spiked up, and his hazel eyes watched me intensely with caution.

"Mr. Clay, this is my brother, Evan!" Leo announced, ever so politely. Evan moved forward to shake my hand. I suddenly recognized him. He was the same guy who had bumped into me the other day when I was being a pretty big jerk. He must have recognized me as well because he gave me a half-fake smile and quickly turned away.

"Come on, Leo, it's time to go home," Evan said with a hint of irritation in his voice. He didn't even bother sparing me another glance. He took Leo's hand in his and walked off. I smiled each time Leo turned around to wave goodbye. I saw another figure approach me. This one I knew all too well.

"Hey," I said when Matt got closer. He gave me a nod and took the seat beside me. He draped an arm around my shoulder.

"How was the first day?" he asked as his eyes followed mine to the two distant shadows that were walking away from us.

"It was good," I replied honestly. I really did enjoy myself for the first time in a while.

"I told you," was all he said. He gave me one of his "I told you so" grins. My eyes were still focused in the direction of Evan and Leo. Even though they were long gone by now, I still watched the empty space intensely, searching for answers, always looking for answers. I closed my eyes and leaned my head on Matt's shoulder.

The next four days were much like the first. I got to know each and every one of my kids a lot better, especially Leo. It seemed he had taken a real liking to me. I just didn't understand. At first, I thought that was how all the kids were with the leaders, but even Matt noticed how attached Leo seemed to be with me. To be honest, that worried me.

"Clay, wake up," Matt said gracefully as he sat on the edge of my bed.

"Mm, what time is it?" I mumbled from under my pillow and tilted my head to the side to peek at the alarm clock next to my bed. My eyes went wide and my head fell back onto the pillow.

"Clay..." Matt grumbled, pushing me lightly to wake me up. I refused. Instead, I scooted over onto the opposite side of the bed. Suddenly, the blankets that I was so comfortably snuggling against to keep me warm were pulled off of me. I abruptly turned around and glared at Matt who stood but mere inches away holding onto my blankets.

"Your gonna pay for that," I said in a deep tone. Matt turned to leave but stopped as I threw myself at him, taking him down onto the floor. Luckily, he dropped my blankets on the floor, so we landed smack on top of them. I had Matt pined down with me sitting so comfortably atop him. His grin quickly disappeared and was replaced with a look of shock.

I leaned forward so that my face was just in front of his. "Now, if you ever and I mean ever, wake me..." I stopped mid-sentence as Matt lifted his face forward and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. My whole body froze. The next thing I knew, Matt was now on top of me pinning me down like I had done to him.

"You... You..." I stuttered, not being able to let the words come out of my mouth. "You kissed me..." I said, feeling my body trembling and hearing how shaky my voice sounded. His grin got even wider. He had a mischievous look forming with his lips,

" Prove it!" he shot back, still grinning from ear to ear.

"Why you little..." I began but stopped as I heard footsteps shuffling up the stairs. A few seconds later, Matt's mother appeared at my bedroom door.

"What on earth is all that ruckus in here?" she demanded. She stopped just inside the doorway.

"Oh my..." She covered her mouth with her hands, shocked at the image in front of her. Her shock soon turned into amusement.

"Morning, Mom!" Matt said enthusiastically while waving at his mom like a five year old would.

"Matthew Bae, what on earth are you doing?" she tried to say as seriously as she could, but couldn't help chucking at the face I was giving the both of them.

"He," Matt said while pointing his finger in my face, "tackled me onto the floor, mom," Matt pouted at his mother. "AHH" he screamed as I bit the pointing finger that he left in front of my face. I grinned up at his Mom.

"Morning Aunty Lulu," I greeted casually, like nothing was wrong at all.

"MOM!!! He bit my finger," Matt said and began pouting at his mom again and lifting his finger to her as a gesture for her to kiss it and make it better.

"Well I'm sure you deserved it; now get off him this instant and go downstairs. Breakfast is ready," she said sternly exiting my room and walking back down the stairs. Matt looked like a little boy who just had his lollipop taken away and was kicked in the stomach. He pouted once more and looked down at me.

"You kiss it and make it better," he demanded with the same gesture and placed his finger in my face once more. He quickly pulled it back away just as I was about to bite it again. His pout turned back into a grin. He finally stood up and moved aside so I could get up as well.

"Asshole," I mumbled. I walked past him and went into the bathroom. Once I was done, I made my way downstairs where Aunty Lulu had made some pancakes, bacon and eggs for breakfast.

"Good morning," Matt greeted me cheerfully. I glared at him but nodded and took a seat across from him.

"So what do you boys have planned for this wonderful Saturday?" Aunty Lulu asked. She took the seat next to Matt.

"I was thinking of checking out the water park, you want to Clay?" Matt questioned giving me a hopeful look.

"Sure," I replied. I really didn't care what we did, just as long as it wasn't work. Once we finished our breakfast, we headed out to the water park right away as it was a two hour drive.

By the time we got there, the place was already packed. Being a Saturday, I wasn't at all surprised. We got all of our stuff and headed inside. Just as we stepped through the entrance to the park, I spotted a familiar face. Well, make that two familiar faces, but only one of them would be happy to see me. Figuring that they were having a brotherly bonding moment, I didn't bother to say hi. It didn't really matter because the moment I turned back around and followed Matt to the change area, I had been found.

"MR CLAY!!!" Leo screamed at the top of his lungs. He let go of his brother's hand and ran straight in my direction. I smiled at his eager face. Looking past him, though, I saw the hate in Evan's eyes. I was unsure if the hate was toward me or his brother running off the way he did; but nevertheless, Evan didn't look too happy at all. His eyes locked onto mine. He stared for a moment before turning away and walking in the opposite direction. I wondered what that was about, but forgot all about it once I felt something hit me hard in the chest. Surprise! It was Leo. He wrapped his arms around me and gave me one of his all too familiar big hugs.

"Hello, Leo," I said cheerfully to the boy who didn't seem to want to let go of me.

"MR Clay! You didn't tell me you were coming here!" he screamed, filled with excitement.

"I didn't know I was coming," I replied while turning to glare at Matt, who just stood a few feet beside me.

Leo looked at Matt questioningly before saying, "Who's he?"

"Leo, that's Mr. Matt from summer fun," I replied, sort of surprised that Leo didn't seem to know who Matt was.

"Oh," he said still looking him over like he was trying to compare Matt with someone else.

"Who's here with you, Leo?" Matt asked, not having noticed anyone with the child.

"Evan!!" he screamed again in excitement. He turned around figuring Evan was right behind him; he was totally dismayed to see that Evan was no where to be found. "Where did he go," Leo asked in panic. "Mr. Clay, can you help me find him?" Leo asked, all his excitement suddenly gone. I glanced at Matt and he nodded with a smile.

"Sure, Leo, we'll help you look for him," I replied. Leo grabbed my hand instantly and began dragging me to all the areas where he thought his brother might be. Forty-five minutes later, we hadn't had any luck and Leo started to get very emotional. So Matt and I decided to call it a day and take Leo home ourselves. We gathered our belongings and stepped outside, with a very upset Leo in tow. We left the water park and headed towards Matt's BMW.

That's when I saw him sitting on the edge of the parking lot with headphones on, staring out onto the ocean. Leo looked over and saw him as well. Leo ran over to his brother and nearly pushed him off the log trying to give his brother a hug. "Evan, why did you leave me?" Leo sobbed.

"Get off me," Evan demanded, shoving his brother onto the grass. He stood up from the log he was sitting on and looked down at his brother. He face took on a mask of regret. He lifted up his crying brother. "Look, I'm sorry Leo," Evan said. I couldn't tell if he was being sincere or just saying it as a crowd had begun to form. He took his brother's hand and started walking. He stopped for a moment and turned, meeting my gaze. He gave me a look of disgust and started walking once more, leading Leo away into the parking lot.

"What the hell was that about?" Matt asked. He was clearly upset about having his day off ruined and I couldn't blame him one bit. We had come here to relax and enjoy ourselves and ended up doing neither.

"I don't know... Can we just go home?" I pleaded with him, not wanting to discuss this any further.

"Sure, bud," he replied, draping his arm around me and leading me to his car.

Monday morning came all too quickly, but just like any other work day, I was up bright and early and ready for the day to come. In truth, I was anxious to get to work. I'm not sure why I cared so much, but I wanted to have a talk with Leo and see what happened with him and his brother at the water park. Leo didn't show, though. No one else would see it as strange; they would just think he was not feeling well. Instinctively, I knew there was something more. I went through my normal Monday schedule and took my kids to the playground after lunch just like any other day. Matt and his group usually joined us, so I wasn't too surprised to see his kids running towards the playground, with him close behind them. I carefully watched the area my kids played in to make sure everyone was playing safe and that no one got hurt. Matt sat down right next to me on the park bench and sighed.

"God, these kids never get tired..." Matt complained looking pretty worn out. Matt then looked around confused. He gave me a look like something was wrong.

"What?" I asked, worried that something had happened.

"You're sitting here... alone," he pointed out.

"Yeah, Leo didn't show up today," I replied, a hint of worry in my voice.

"I'm sure he's fine," Matt stated already knowing what I was thinking. I nodded and looked back towards the playground and watched my kids; they were running around enjoying themselves. A few hours later, it was time for our kids to go back home and drive their parents crazy. As they were all leaving, I noticed someone approaching the building. Thinking that one of the kids left something behind, I stood by the door and waited. It was Leo. As soon as our eyes met, I knew something was wrong. Leo's eyes weren't filled with excitement; they were filled with fear.

"Leo, what's wrong?" I asked. He ran up[ to me and buried his face in my chest. Instantly, I wrapped my arms around his little frame and tried my best to comfort him.

"Leo," I said, as I gently pulled away from him and knelt down so I was at his eye level. That's when I noticed all the marks on his face, including a bruise over his right eye. The injury looked pretty recent.

"Leo, who did this to you?" I asked him very calmly. Given the amount of fear he was showing, I knew I wouldn't get an answer. He couldn't speak; he couldn't even look me at me. I heard the sound of footsteps running towards us. I looked up to see Evan racing towards the building. Just as he got close, his eyes found mine. He froze.

"Leo, stay here," I told him firmly. I walked over to where Evan stood.

"What did you do to him?" I practically screamed, not liking what I saw one bit.

"Leo, you know better than to come here." Evan scowled at his little brother. "Come on, Leo, we are going home. NOW!" He demanded, scaring his brother even more. I saw the tears slowly fall down Leo's face once more.

"He's not going anywhere with you until you tell me what's going on," I stated clearly, holding my ground.

"This is none of your fucken business, so back off," Evan countered showing no signs of backing off.

"It was my dad," Leo said slowly, in a shaky but understandable voice.

"No, Leo shut up!" Evan screamed. He gave Leo a deadly look, but I quickly got in front of him. He didn't like that one bit.

"Get the fuck out of my way," he threatened, his whole face starting to turn red. That's when I noticed that the same marks that were on Leo were also on Evan... but unlike Leo, both of Evans eyes looked swollen. I don't know what came over me, but I moved closer to Evan. He watched in amazement as I lifted my fingers to his face and gently felt where he had been hit. Just as my hands touched his skin, he flinched and pushed me back harshly.

"Don't touch me," he threatened again, but this time it wasn't me that was scared... It was him.

"Why did your Dad do this to you?" I asked softly, not knowing how he would react. His fears were quickly replenished with that rage he showed me mere seconds ago.

"Why don't you go fuck with your own family and leave mine the hell alone," he hissed at me and shoved me out of his way. Losing my balance, I hit the cement hard. The pain I was feeling, though, was due more to his words than the fall. My eyes began to water steadily for the first time since my brother's death.

"What the hell is going on out here?" Matt shouted as he came running through the doors. He noticed almost immediately that I was crying. He was in Evan's face in a matter of seconds.

"Jason..." was all I could say as my tears really started to flow.

"Who's Jason?" Evan asked. I didn't wait around to hear the answer. I quickly got to my feet and started to run. I didn't know where I was trying to go. I just ran as fast as my two feet would take me.

I ran until I was out of breath. I really had no idea where I was going. I decided to head back. As I approached Matt and Evan, I could hear Matt telling Evan about my brother, Jason. Rage began to take me over. The next thing I knew Matt was on the ground staring up at me in disbelief. Evan looked scared to death.

"Who do you think you are, telling him about Jason?" My words were cold and filled with anger. I didn't recognize my own voice.

"Clay," he pleaded, but that just fuelled my anger even more.

"Stay the fuck away from me, and don't you ever talk about me or my family to anyone ever again, do you understand me?" I shouted. I felt my body shake even more. I fell to the ground in tears. Matt quickly stood and looked at me with disgust before turning around and leaving me there. I didn't know why I said what I did, but I knew it hurt Matt. Knowing that I hurt him made me feel much worse than I was already feeling. Evan was still there, watching me intensely. As soon as our eyes met, he averted his eyes and looked away.

I closed my eyes and wished I was anywhere but where I presently stood. The unmistakable sound of water, as it landed onto the grass and mud we stood on, took my attention. I watched as the rain began to fill the air more and more, in only a short amount of time. Before we knew it both Evan and I were getting drenched from the massive amounts of rain that were now pouring down hard. Evan didn't make a move to leave, so I didn't either. I watched the rain pour, the mist from the heavy winds that blew. I sat down and looked at Evan. Why was he still here?

"Jason was only 15," I whispered. He sat down in front of me, still avoiding my eyes. He seemed to be listening, so I continued.

It was a day like any other. I woke up at a quarter past 7 and quickly got into the shower. In a matter of minutes, I was dressed in the best clothes I had, a stripped blue and white polo and some black khaki dress pants. I was going in for my first ever job interview as a full time summer aide. I would be working with kids. I wanted to look my best so I could better my chances of getting the job. I passed by my brother's room on my way downstairs and, seeing that his door was still closed, I knew he was still asleep. He had to be ready on time as I was taking him to school. I knocked on his door.

"Go away," he shouted through the door angrily.

"Jason, get up and get ready for school, we need to get going," I explained. "I have a job interview in forty-five minutes and I need to get you to school."

"I'm not going to school," he shouted again through the door.

"Look, Jason, I don't have time for this. Open the door," I said, getting a little irritated that he would do this today of all days. A few seconds later, his bedroom door slowly opened, with his puffy eyes peeking out to look at me.

"Jason, why are you crying?" I asked.

"Clay, please don't make me go to school," he begged, with teary eyes.

"Look, Jason, whatever it is that's bothering you, we can talk about after school, okay? Now go get ready," I said, hoping that would change his mind. It only made him more frustrated.

"I said I'm not going," he screamed at the top of his lungs

"Why the hell not?" I yelled back at him, getting just as frustrated as he was. Jason didn't reply; he just fell to his knees and started to cry. I tried to calm myself down as I moved closer to my brother and sat down beside him on the floor.

"Look, Jason, just tell me what's bothering you... Why don't you want to go to school?" I asked in a much calmer tone, hoping he would just tell me what was wrong so I could help him.

"I can't tell you," he yelled once more. He buried his face into his hands.

"Look, that's enough. I don't have time for this, Jason, I can't be late to my interview, so whatever it is, it will just have to wait until after school, okay," I said, more as a statement than a question. His light blue eyes that matched mine looked up at me. All I could see in those eyes was hate.

"That's all you care about, isn't it? You don't care about me at all do you, DO YOU?" he demanded as he stood quickly and got in my face.

"Look you've got 10 minutes to get dressed and come downstairs, and if you're not down on time I'll just call mom and dad and let them deal with you," I stated clearly, but just as I turned around and began to walk downstairs, his words caused me to stoop.

"You really don't care..." he said more to himself than to me. I turned around and faced him as he looked hard at me. "I don't want to go to school because I'm getting teased and picked on. They beat me up just because I'm different. They beat me up," he repeated, struggling to keep his tears in check.

"Who's picking on you, Jason," I asked, no longer caring about the interview.

"But you don't care, all you care about is yourself, that's all you ever cared about," he screamed, ignoring my words, his eyes never once leaving mine.

"I hate you, Clay," he yelled, "I HATE YOU," he repeated as he ran past me and into the bathroom where he slammed the door shut and locked it.

"I'm sorry, Daniel." I heard him say. I wondered who the hell Daniel was, but didn't care at this point. The sound of heavy water began to fill the hallway... Knowing that my mission was done, and that he was finally in the shower i walked downstairs and preceded to make breakfast for both Jason and I.

"JASON!" I screamed as I furiously pounded on the door. I was pissed. Jason knew I needed to get going, and then he goes and takes a long shower, which meant we would have to take the breakfast I made to go. I pounded on the door once more, but heard only the sound of the running water. That's when I looked down and noticed the wet spots on the carpet. I bent down and touched it with my hands, and it was soaked. I placed my hand next to the door frame and felt the water leaking out. Not quite understanding why water was leaking out, I pounded on the door again, but got nothing. Enough was enough; I ran downstairs into the garage and grabbed my dad's power drill. I returned back to the bathroom, only to find even more water leaking out, and it was beginning to soak the entire hallway. Quickly I used the drill to take the door apart. Once I got all the screws out I grabbed the door and pushed it to the side, leaning it against the bathroom wall. I looked for the source of the leak, and what I found I'd never forget. "Jason!" I screamed with tears filling my eyes. . I quickly pulled Jason out of the tub and placed his body gently on the floor. I got on my knees and placed my left hand on his neck, trying to feel for a pulse, anything. Thinking quickly I preceded to give him mouth to mouth, but it wasn't doing any good. I knew I was too late. "Nooooo" was all that came out of my mouth as my body sank into Jason's.

Once I started telling the full story to Evan, his eyes never left mine. I could see all the pain building up inside him, all the anger, and all the sympathy he must have felt for me. My voice was becoming shaky again and I couldn't look at him anymore, so I looked back down at the dirt.

I felt Evan's hands as they covered my own and gave them a tight squeeze. Our fingers entwined. I opened my eyes and looked towards him. He was much closer now than he was before. I let out a long sigh before I continued.

"There was a note on his bed," I continued, but not being able to take it anymore, I fell forward in tears. Evan caught me in his arms and held me close to him. I rested my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly. I tried to get myself under control. As I forced my tears to stop, I gently pulled away from Evan.

"The next day, his school called to tell us that a handful of students had turned themselves in." Just as I stopped, I felt my hands being squeezed and I look down to see Evan's hands still entwined with my own. I let out a small smile, "They attacked him because they found out he was gay," I whispered. I watched Evan's face for any untoward signs, but there were none. "If only I had listened to him..."

"If only they hadn't picked on him," Evan countered. "Everyone makes mistakes in life, Clay; you just need to learn from them."

"So what are you trying to say, that it's good that's he's dead?" I replied angrily.

"No, of course not, Clay. All I'm saying is that people make mistakes."

"And Jason had to pay for mine," I said letting go of his hand.

"Why do you keep doing that?" Evan shouted.

"Doing WHAT!" I demanded

"Blaming yourself, God damn it, Clay, listen to me," Evan said as he grabbed me by my shoulders and held me in front of him." It wasn't your fault," he whispered, trying his hardest to get me to understand.

"Isn't it? If I only I had let him stay home, he would be alive right now. HE WOULD BE ALIVE!" I screamed back, while trying to hold back the tears that I knew were forming.

"Really? So what happens the next time he would've been picked on? What happens when you can't be there for him," Evan replied, his voice strong, his words powerful.

"I--I don't know," I replied honestly, "But I could have tried."

"And he could've killed himself the next time he was alone at home, or the next time he got picked on," Evan countered once more, his words more powerful then ever.

"No..." I shouted not wanting to believe his words, no matter how much I knew he was right.

"There was nothing you could have done. You need to stop blaming yourself, Clay," Evan whispered, finally meeting my eyes.

"I can't!" I screamed, letting my emotions take control. I could not hold back my tears any longer. Just as before, Evan moved closer and pulled me into his arms. I didn't know what it was about him. I didn't know why I was opening myself up to him, but I did know that he was right.

It wasn't my fault...

It wasn't my fault...

"He told me he hated me," I said all of a sudden, causing Evan to look at me in confusion.

"You know he didn't mean it," Evan replied and, after a moment of silence, he spoke once more, "I see the way you are with Leo, Clay, you're a great brother," he said trying his hardest to cheer me up.

"It's different with Leo, I guess I just try to treat Leo and all of my other kids the way I wished I had treated my brother."

"So then that's the lesson that you learned," he replied giving me a smile. He was right; I never knew what I had until it was gone, but now I'm trying to be a better person, because of what happened.

"Thanks," I said but paused when his fingers found mine and our hands entwined again together. "For everything," I finished as my lips curled up into the form of a smile.

"Anytime," he said returning my smile and giving my hand a squeeze. As we stared at each other, he suddenly became worried.

"Look, about before... I'm sorry," he said avoiding my eyes.

"What are you talking about?" I asked not sure what he was apologizing for.

"The way I've been treating you this whole time?" he answered, a little upset that maybe I hadn't even noticed or maybe that I didn't care that he had been acting like a jerk. I didn't know what to say. I guess he didn't either as we both just stood there avoiding each other. He finally broke the silence.

"I was jealous," he said softly. I gave him a confused look. What in the world did I have for him to be jealous about? He continued, "Ever since the first day I ran into you, I thought you were kinda cute," Evan admitted, making me blush a little. "But then, when I saw you with Leo, he was so happy... I've never been able to make him that happy," Evan muttered, kicking a pile of dirt on the ground. "Then, there was Matt," he said softly, as if he didn't want me to hear him.

"Matt?" I asked totally confused.

"Yeah, the way you guys are so... close," he said choosing his words very carefully. "I've always wanted someone I could be that open with, someone who would always be there for me, like the way Matt is for you," His eyes were filled with emotion, but he kept himself from showing it. Well, he tried to anyway. This time, I moved toward him and wrapped my arms around his slim figure, the way he had just done for me.

"You must hate me," he sobbed. His head rested on my shoulder.

"Far from it," I whispered into his ear. He pushed off me momentarily to look me square in the eyes.

"Really?" he asked with hope in his eyes...

"Really," I assured him, letting out a smile. I then remembered what he had said and knew I had to say something else.

"Evan, you should know that your brother loves you a lot. You're all he ever talks about to me, how he wants to be just like you when he grows up," I said, smiling at the excitement on Evan's face.

"I guess I was too upset at myself to even notice," he replied, still smiling.

"So what now?" we both said at the same time, causing us both to laugh out loud.

"Well, I better get back to Leo," Evan said. He moved closer to me and gave me another hug. I never really had noticed how good it felt to have him holding me until this very moment. Alas, it only lasted a few seconds. I was disappointed; I never wanted it to end but I knew it had to, at least for now. We parted ways, and I wondered if I would ever see Evan or Leo again...

"Can we go inside now? It's hot!" Leo complained, tugging at my shirt to get my attention. I looked down at him and smiled. I felt my hand being squeezed. I turned to look at Evan.

"Are you sure you're ready?" Evan asked, looking at me with concern. I looked down at Evan's hands which were firmly holding onto mine. I squeezed back and looked up to meet his eyes.

"I'm ready." I stated confidently, I'm ready to face my fears...

I don't remember how I got there or even how long it took me to get there, but I knew this was where I needed to be. I knew this was the time to look my fears in the face and finally overcome them. I stared at how much the house had changed in the few months I was gone. But at the same time I noticed the same little things that would never change. I took a deep breath, and walked closer toward the house I grew up in. The house that held all my pain, all my joy, all my memories but most importantly the house, where my family would always be... All of them.

Author's Message:

Suicide is the leading cause of death in Hawaii among gay and lesbian youth. Gay youth suicide is caused by the internalization of the "homophobia" and violence directed at gays. If you are aware of anyone talking or even thinking about committing suicide, please seek help from a family member or friend. Suicide is never the answer; no matter how bad things may get, it is never the answer. If you see or know someone being picked on, lead them a hand. One friend can make all the difference.

I would like to give a big thanks to Conner & Sharon for their amazing editing skills, B1ue for beta reading as well as his support and Advise. Last but not least thanks to Kevin (Afriendlyface) for his advise and input into the story. All other mistakes are mine and mine alone.

Please do leave feedback, weather it be good or bad, I'd love to hear it so please send it via email at

L0st_cause@yahoo.com

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Copyright 2008 L0st_Cause