What If? © 2017 David Lee
Life, in essence, is an amalgamation of decisions. Anytime a person chooses a particular path, he eliminates several others. Then later, he's prone to wonder, what if he'd opted for a different road. Does a guy have free will, or is he propelled through his existence by circumstances beyond his control?
With the collapse of his ill-fated marriage to Jillian, which lasted only a month, Josh Blackwell often pondered the circumstances that had led him to this point. What could he have done differently that would have prevented how things had turned out? Would things ever get better?
Something entirely unforeseen was about to change his whole outlook.
Chapter 1
Joshua James Blackwell, III (as his mother had named him) was full of excess energy and needed to put it to good use. It was only the end of February, but it felt like spring. Winter had been filled with many depressingly gray, chilly days. At one point a month ago, the mercury had plunged to a -5 F accompanied by a harsh north wind. The following Sunday, an Alberta clipper had brought enough snow to cancel church activities in small communities where many families had to travel rural roads to get there. Some of the city churches suspended services as well.
People in the Midwest had succumbed to cabin fever from being housebound for long periods of time. Josh (the name he preferred to be known by) was certainly a part of that group.
Earlier in the day, he had lazed around the house, despite the bright sunshine, but the sound of the doorbell had forced him to stir. It was a little girl selling cookies for scouts. He hated telling her that he'd already purchased a box from the daughter of another choir member, and he might have bought more, but he didn't want the temptation of extra calories in the house while trying to keep his waist trim. Still, he felt a little guilty about turning her away.
As he remained at the door after the disappointed child had left, he noticed the twigs and little branches scattered around his front yard. Vowing never to plant a linden tree in his next life, he went to the garage for the leaf rake and the yard-waste barrel to take up the worst of them.
Soon, he was hard at it. His spirits lifted with the warmth of the sun and fresh air. It wasn't spring according to the calendar, but in his heart, it felt like it! This year, he was a free man without a care in the world! But that exhilaration would last only if he could stop being haunted by the past.
Performing a mindless physical task allowed his thoughts to wander. Slowly, but surely, he became involved in a series of "what if's" about his failed marriage. It had been a complete disaster from their wedding night through the extremely short period they'd stayed together.
A myriad of questions swirled in his mind. Would things have been different if he hadn't been brought up in a strict religious family? Would his expectations of marriage have been something other than they were, had his environment been more normal?
His family's church had not only forbidden premarital sexual experiences, but had condemned self-pleasuring as well. Josh knew, from an early age, that he couldn't mess up and get a girl pregnant before he'd made her his wife. Likewise, he had no outlet for his raging hormones other than the blessed relief of night emissions. Even then, he always felt a twinge of guilt upon waking due to the lurid dreams which accompanied them.
Maybe it would have been different if his family hadn't been followers of the "reality show" starring those fucking Duggars! Oops, he'd just used a nasty word in his mind! He'd been doing that a lot lately since breaking ties with his past. Well, "fucking" seemed to be the operative word for a couple who produced 19 offspring, the most infamous of whom shared his first name. Perhaps the repressive environment Josh Duggar had grown up in had been partially responsible for the curiosity that had led him to molest his sisters. Had Josh Blackwell turned into the person he was today because of being repressed?
Perhaps his life might not have turned out as it had if he hadn't made Tim Tebow his hero and role model – Tebow who wore his virginity like a holy mantle, and who was so damn cute. Hmm, was it "damn" or "damned?" Since he wasn't used to cussing, he wasn't sure if he'd used it correctly.
Wait a minute, had he just referred to Tebow as "cute?" Yes, he had, and he'd meant it. Tebow may not have been the best quarterback ever, but he was definitely HOT!
Josh's musing was interrupted by the sound of a motorbike roaring loudly up the hill past his house. He didn't recognize the boy as a pupil from Cosgrove High where he taught, but, then again, he didn't know the whole student body.
The kid astride the vehicle was probably fantasizing about being the leader of a pack of motorcycle riders. Josh smiled at the thought. He'd bet the teenager beat off every night as well. Ah, what freedom the lads of the younger generation had! Maybe it wasn't too late for him to feel that way too.
After the boy disappeared over the rise, Josh got lost in contemplation again.
His marriage had been a mistake from the get-go, and he should have realized it wouldn't work before he got into it: they were too different. Jillian was outgoing and sexy; Joshua had been withdrawn and stodgy. She had found his naiveté charming, and kind of a challenge. If he had taken her to his bed on their first date, she might have grown tired of him quickly.
Since middle school, she'd never met a boy who didn't want to get into her pants, and several had accomplished it. Breaking down his resistance became a mission – almost an obsession. She would be the one to deflower him one way or the other!
When Josh brought her home from the university to meet his parents, there had been a perceptible chill in the air. His mother viewed her as a Delilah who would tempt him and then sell him out, as the character in the Bible had done to Samson. She told him so later in a lengthy email rant.
That had been the tipping point for Joshua. During his final year of college, his parents' attempts to control his life had become increasingly chafing. His mother's dislike of Jillian made him all the more determined to marry her as soon as he graduated and got established.
Jillian hadn't been happy to wait until marriage to consummate their union, but she didn't complain too much, fearing that to do so would make her look like the whore her prospective mother-in-law thought her to be.
Josh had assumed that all of his abstinence through the years would make him the horniest stud on the planet the night he finally got laid. The anticipation increased the frequency of his wet dreams, and he nearly gave in to the temptation of masturbating. He had wondered if Tim Tebow did that as a way to keep from having sex with a woman.
In their honeymoon suite, he came from the bathroom with a fine erection tenting his sleep shorts. When Jillian pulled them down, she was treated to the sight of the biggest one she'd seen in real life. She immediately fell to her knees to taste it. However, her aggressiveness killed it almost as quickly. In Joshua's world, the MAN was the person in charge of sex. The husband made the moves; the wife went along obediently with what he wanted.
His limp noodle had led to a good deal of unpleasantness. She had teased him about not being able to get it back up and fulfill his duty as a husband. He had called her a wonton woman, an old fashioned term that had earned him more scorn. Josh had never seen that side of her during their courtship, and it made him wonder what he'd gotten into.
Eventually, she apologized for her behavior and suggested that they watch a soft-porn flick on the cable TV system to get him back in the mood.
While the thought of viewing anything remotely pornographic seemed sinful to him, the visual stimulation worked, and he was able to penetrate her and keep his erection long enough to bring her to a satisfying orgasm. Then she complimented him on what a big stud he was and wanted him again, but he felt empty inside, and complained about being exhausted. He then rolled over and fell into a fitful sleep.
During the next two weeks, he was frequently unable to perform with her. When he did, it wasn't all that satisfying, to him at least.
He continued to watch porn – of a more XXX rated type, using his laptop, and occasionally going to an adult shop. He could get hard at the time, but could rarely repeat the process in bed with his wife. After a month, she moved to Nevada to file for a quick divorce, and he hadn't seen or heard from her, other than through her lawyer, since.
Sex videos hadn't cured the erectile dysfunction he experienced with his wife, but it did reveal something that he didn't want to admit. It was the guys in those scenes who turned him on, not the women. Shit!
That had been over a year ago, and he was beginning to come to terms with the fact that he wasn't cut out for traditional marriage. However, he wasn't keen on accepting the fact that he might like other men. Being gay was about the worst possible sin in the eyes of the members of his old church - even less acceptable than getting a girl pregnant. It might even be the "unforgivable" sin that was alluded to in the Bible.
He had left his parents' church soon after his marriage deteriorated. Most of the members hadn't liked Jillian; however, they didn't believe in divorce either. Any number of young women lamented the fact that Joshua was no longer available, even though he was single. As a divorced man, he was damaged goods. Joshua was a persona non grata. Fortunately, he'd found a different church which accepted him for who he was, and he'd felt comfortable enough to join the choir.
The divorce had been swift and uncomplicated. Because of an inheritance from his grandfather, Josh had been able to purchase the small three-bedroom ranch before he'd married, and had kept it in his name only. Jillian didn't want the house or much else, except out of the contract! It was over, and they'd had no further contact.
Josh was totally shocked when he received a call from Jillian a year and a few months after their wedding. She insisted that he meet her at the south end of the Target parking lot at 5:00 p.m. the following day, Friday, because she had something to give him on her way out of town. He wasn't sure he would go because she didn't have anything he wanted, but his curiosity got the best of him.
When he arrived, her car was already parked, with the back door on the passenger side open. He came over to see what she was pulling out. She turned around and thrust a carrier in his arms containing a baby asleep under a blue blanket, and dropped a large bag at his feet.
"Here, this is your mess to clean up. I don't want him. He reminds me of you every time I have to change a dirty diaper! Lots of luck; I'm out of here!"
With that, she got into her car and sped away, kicking up a bit of grit left over from winter's street treatment in the process.
The minute he studied the child's face, he knew it had to be his kid. He'd seen the stacks of photos his doting parents and grandparents had taken of him because he was the first-born, and this baby looked exactly like them. But, what the hell was he to do? He didn't know the first thing about caring for an infant! He'd watched his mother with his younger siblings, but that was years ago, and he hadn't given it much heed. After all, that had been women's work! She would probably love to get her hands on this child, but he would never ask her for help! His son wouldn't be raised like he had been.
What to do? Well, at least spring break had just begun and he had slightly more than a week to figure out how to deal with this turn of events. How could he raise a kid alone? There were lots of couples longing for a beautiful child like this. He'd better check into adoption agencies – and fast!
Those thoughts quickly evaporated when the baby opened his eyes and looked helplessly into Josh's. Josh was captivated!
The next thing the kid did was to screw up his face into a frown. Josh didn't know what he would do if he started to cry. But, it turned out not to be a sign that he was frightened or unhappy. A couple of minutes later, Josh knew from the odor that it had been the prelude to filling his diaper.
"Oh shit," he thought, and then laughed aloud because that expression was right on the money.
Josh immediately remembered the bag which was still sitting on the ground where Jillian had dropped it. He looked into it and found several things he would need. Among them were a couple of diapers and a small package of wipes.
He placed the baby on the back seat and proceeded to take care of his needs. In the process, he noted that his son, like him, had been spared the ritual of removing his foreskin. In his eyes, that was a positive thing. He also saw a tiny birth mark on the boy's right thigh which was a miniature copy of his own.
Josh's problem-solving skills kicked in as he went through the bag after putting his son back into the carrier. On his phone, he made a list of things he would need for the baby. He noted the brand of formula and the size of the disposable diapers. He also discovered a birth certificate, a legal document, and an immunization record. Jillian may have been a vindictive bitch, but she hadn't left him as bad off as she might have.
"Well, Danny, my son. I'm happy to meet you. We're going to make this work. I'm gonna love you like crazy!"
Finding a shopping-cart abandoned in the lot, not far from his car, he placed Daniel's carrier in it; and father and son went on their first shopping excursion together.
He wasn't sure that he still believed in divine intervention, but a motherly clerk was restocking shelves in the baby section when he stood there bewildered by the variety of items. She immediately came to his rescue, listened to his problems, and soon helped him fill his cart with the essentials. She didn't attempt to sell anything extra, but she tried to cover all the bases. At the end of their conversation, she scribbled down the link to a website where he could get a crash course on caring for babies, beginning with feeding and burping, and going on to questions about immunizations. Josh thanked her profusely before making his way to a checkout lane.
Daniel was still awake when Josh arrived back at his little house. He began to fuss while Josh unloaded his many purchases from the car. Because the garage was attached, he didn't have to bring in everything before tending to Danny's needs.
"What's going on, little one? Are you hungry? Daddy's gonna warm up a bottle like the lady said."
Danny was quiet when his father spoke, but began to cry as soon as he stopped. Josh decided to put the infant into the sling he'd bought to hold him against his chest. He slipped off his shirt and T-shirt first so there would be partial skin to skin contact. The clerk had referred to it as kangarooing or cocooning. Whatever it was called, it seemed to appease his son while his bottle was being prepared.
It appeared that the bonding began immediately. Josh had no way of knowing what his son was experiencing, but from his standpoint, he could feel the beginning of a connection. With the suckling child close to his pecs, it was almost like nursing. It felt natural, and strangely satisfying.
Figuring that he wouldn't be able to deal with his son and sing on Sunday, Josh texted the choir director to bow out until he could get a handle on things.
Dr. Meade understood his dilemma, but didn't want to lose him for the Gabriel Faure Requiem they were presenting for Palm Sunday the following week. He decided to call another choir member who was a single father to see how things went for his son in the nursery.
Josh didn't recognize the number of the incoming call, and nearly didn't answer it. But, it was a local one, and he figured it might be important.
"Josh Blackwell speaking."
"Hi, this is Randy Fischer. I don't know if you remember me, since you've only recently joined the choir, but I sing in the tenor section."
"Yes, I remember you," Josh answered, conjuring up the image of the handsome young man, and the sound of his clear singing voice.
"Marvin tells me that you and I have a common situation in being single dads. I want to assure you that the church's nursery is a great place for little ones. My Joey is quite content in there. The older lady who heads it is wonderful!"
"That sounds positive. I'm kinda concerned about being separated from Danny. My ex sort of dumped him on me tonight. I mean, I'm not unhappy to have the chance to raise my son, but I'm in over my head. I didn't even know the baby existed until a few hours ago."
"Wow! Do you need help?"
"Yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, I really do!"
"I have a thought. Have you eaten yet?"
"Nope."
"Neither have I. How about I bundle Joey up, stop for a Papa Murphy's pizza, and come over to your house. Oops, I guess that sounds pushy on my part."
"It sounds awesome to me. Do you have a pencil? I'll give you my address."
Twenty minutes later, Randy was standing on the doorstep juggling a kid who looked about the same size as Daniel, and balancing a pizza to keep it upright.
The oven was already preheated to 425 F, so Josh slid the pizza in immediately. It was a thin-crust "Cowboy" which was his favorite. Then they began to converse.
"I was gonna offer some advice, but I think you're ahead of me. I need to get one of those sling carriers for Joey."
"A clerk at Target suggested it. I didn't have a clue."
"So, I don't understand how anyone could give up this precious baby."
"I don't either. His mother and I were married only a month before she asked for a divorce, and I didn't even know she was pregnant. But, I'm sure he's mine because he's the spitting image of my baby pictures."
"Wow, you haven't even had time to make arrangements for childcare. That's always an interesting dilemma. What will you do on Monday?"
"I teach science at the high school, and it's spring break, so I have about a week to try to make arrangements. How do you cope with it?"
"I'm a nurse at Cosgrove General, and I often work the graveyard shift. My mother sleeps over at my apartment until I get off, and then I take over."
"Do you get any sleep that way?"
"Not as much as I could use, but I adjust."
Over their pizza, the men discussed their boys. At seven months, Joseph was only about two weeks older than Daniel, and was developing at about the same rate. Both were actively crawling and both had four teeth so far.
Randy had introduced baby food – rice cereal and some pureed veggies. Josh had purchased a few jars of baby food, not knowing for sure what he should do. Randy suggested holding off on fruits until later. His mother had told him that once Joey developed a sweet-tooth, it would be very difficult to get him to try vegetables.
Josh appreciated the information about baby diets he was receiving. He didn't know how he would have proceeded without Randy's advice.
Both boys began to fuss just as the men finished their pizza. The young fathers prepared rice cereal, and a jar of baby carrots each for their sons. Soon they were feeding the infants who seemed to be ravenous.
Daniel had a bit more of a challenge getting his tongue to go the right way in the beginning. Randy suspected that he hadn't been introduced to anything but formula up to that point because some mothers kept them on milk for a long time. He warned Josh about the stinky diapers which would result from the introduction of new foods. Again, Josh was thankful for the information, despite its unpleasant sound.
After the little ones' hunger had been assuaged, they were placed on a quilt Josh put on the living room floor for them. Once free to move around, the babies began making babbling sounds to each other. They soon crawled in the direction of one another to touch.
The men sat on the sofa and proudly observed their little progenies.
"It looks like they're getting acquainted," Josh grinned.
"They DO seem to be socializing. I think it's great! It's like a play-date."
"If they both end up as only children, it would be good if they could be friends. I'm not looking to get married again after my experience."
"I'm not either. I fear that if my wife hadn't died, we might not have stayed married anyway. It's awful to admit it when she gave her life in the service of our country, but I guess I feel that you might understand what I'm saying."
"I do know what you mean, and I definitely won't judge you. May I ask what happened?"
"Sure. Because of her specialty, she was called back to active duty soon after she fully recovered from Joey's birth. The military allowed her a minimum of leave, but pushed her to return to her duties at a medical facility in Kabul. One of those damned martyr types with a suicide vest managed to get into the building before the guards could take him out. Several patients were killed too. It was another of those pointless murders."
"Man, I'm sorry I asked!"
"Don't be. It's something that I have to learn to deal with. Talking about it helps, I guess."
Josh moved over closer to put an arm around the shoulder of his new friend, and Randy leaned into the partial embrace. Like their tiny sons, they were beginning to feel a kind of kinship.
Author's notes: Please remember that these free stories are available because of donations to the Nifty site. If you're able to give, please do so.
I want to thank the 40 or more readers who responded to my short story, "Workout Buddies." Also, I received more than 50 comments on "Cheddars" which ended a couple of weeks ago.
Last, but not least, I wish to thank Tom and David whose efforts help to polish my writing. They catch many typos and missing punctuation marks.
I continue to add names to my "alert" list. If you'd like notices about new stories or chapters, I'd be happy to put you on the list too.
Peace and Love,
David