The legal stuff: This story is sexually-explicit, involving homosexuality. Do not continue if this will offend you. If accessing this story causes you to break local laws (village, town, city, county, province, state, or country, etc.), please leave now.
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The content and opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with regards to the sexual preference of any member of 98 Degrees or any other celebrities named herein. It is a work of fiction entirely.
Nothing much else to say today. Thanks for reading. Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com
Scene 9/10
Horrified, I quickly looked down. He simply sat there, not moving. I just knew that he was disgusted with me. Without looking at him, I stood up and practically ran to the door.
"Alex, wait!" he cried.
I ran down the hall to the elevator lobby. I pushed the down button, holding it in and foolishly thinking that would make it come faster. I heard a door close down the hall and I silently prayed the elevator would come before Jeff arrived.
The elevator doors finally opened and I saw Nick in front of me. He was wearing his gym clothes and he had a towel wrapped around his shoulders. Before he could say anything I pushed Nick back into the elevator and pushed the button for the lobby. As the doors closed, I saw Jeff's face. His words were drowned out by the sobs that suddenly came.
"What the hell is going on?" Nick said, looking at me with great concern.
Nick was about the last person I wanted to see right then. My first thought was, "Can't I get away from these guys?"
"What's going on?" Nick repeated.
Fortunately, the doors opened and I bolted out of the elevator, heading across the lobby towards my office. I noticed Sharon sitting at the concierge desk in the lobby. She smiled at me but I didn't acknowledge her. I was almost running by the time I got to the door that led back to the hotel offices. I quickly opened the door with my key and pulled it shut behind me, knowing that Nick couldn't get in.
I was glad it was the weekend, because no one was around. I was in no mood to see anyone. All I could do was think about what I had just done to Jeff. All I could feel were his hands pushing me away. It was all so confusing because I had felt so safe with him. Now everything was ruined.
"Don't cry!" I said to myself. I didn't realize I had said it out loud until I heard Sharon's voice.
"What did you say, Alex?"
I looked up standing in my doorway. Nick was right behind her. Of course, right then was the time the tears started to flow.
Sharon walked over to me. I was sitting in my office chair and she stood next to me, gently stroking my hair.
"Shhh," she said. "Whatever it is, we can fix it."
I didn't believe her but it was nice to have her there. I gathered a little courage and looked up at Nick. He tried to offer a reassuring smile, but it wasn't very convincing.
"Will you tell me what happened?" he asked.
Before I could answer Sharon's radio went off. Sharon was MOD that day and she was being called away.
"Sorry, babe," she said. "I have to go but I'll be back as soon as I can. Okay?" I nodded. "Talk to him," she whispered.
After she left, Nick shut the door to my office and sat down on the edge of the desk. I had stopped crying but I still wasn't in the mood to relive the disaster that had just occurred.
"She's worried about you," Nick said.
"I know."
"You know, you have some pretty amazing people in your life. That says a lot about you, that Mike and Sharon would both drop everything to take care of you."
"That's just the point," I said, getting angry with myself. "They have to take care of me because I'm always getting hurt. I'm sick of breaking down and I'm sick of crying."
It looked like Nick was about to say something, but he paused for a moment, perhaps reconsidering his words.
"I'm sorry, Alex. Ever since we came into your life we have caused you nothing but grief. It's my fault, really. If I hadn't gotten hurt then you wouldn't be." His voice trailed off.
"Wouldn't be what?" I snapped back. "This emotional train wreck sitting in front of you?"
"That's not fair," he said forcefully. "Don't do that to yourself."
"Why not? I'm the one who can't seem to keep it together long enough to get through one day without crying. I'm not like this, Nick. I've been through so much shit in my life. I really thought I was past all of this. I thought I was strong."
"What does being strong have to do with getting emotional?" he practically shouted. I couldn't tell if he was angry with me. "I don't know what you've been through but I know that having us here is clearly causing you pain. For that, Alex, I'm sorry."
"Please don't apologize, Nick. You can only apologize for your actions and staying in my hotel and accidentally getting hurt doesn't qualify. Believe it or not," I said, "I actually like you and Jeff." I paused. "I mean before I fucked things up."
"What could you have done?"
I couldn't tell him. I tried but I just couldn't put it into words. After nearly a minute of silence I finally spoke.
"I just want things to be simple."
Puzzled, Nick asked, "What do you mean, Alex?"
Instead of searching for the perfect words, I just talked. "Why can't friendships just be easy? For once I'd like to meet someone and not have to figure out what every gesture and conversation means. Why does it always have to be such high drama?" The emotions were coming straight from my heart. "I was really starting to feel like you guys were my friends. Despite all the shit that went down in the beginning, I was beginning to think of you as friends. Then, I go and fuck it all up. I wish I could stop those feelings. Why do I always have to start falling in love with my friends?"
I hadn't planned on saying it. In the past, I've always been so careful at coming out. Everything was always so planned and methodical. With Nick, however, it was all emotion. I couldn't look him in the eye. I was expecting a reaction much like that of his brother.
"Alex?" he said with a gentle tone. "Will you look at me?"
I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. When I opened them I looked up at Nick. He had a slight smile. I looked into his eyes and I knew everything was okay. Nick stood up and carefully pulled me into a hug. For the third time that day I started crying. This time, however, I wasn't embarrassed.
Scene 11
For the second time in under an hour, I found myself in an embrace with another man. This time, however, I didn't have those butterflies in my stomach. I felt safe. There was something about the way Nick was holding me that let me know I was going to be okay. The feeling was strangely paternalistic.
When he let go of me, I looked down and noticed that his shirt was damp from my tears. "Sorry about that."
"Don't worry about it," he said as he leaned across my desk to grab a Kleenex from the box that was sitting there. He handed it to me and I tried to put a stop to the waterworks.
"Look, Alex. I can only speak for myself, but for the record, I don't have a problem with you being gay. It's really not an issue for me. Our publicist is gay and there are a couple of other people in our management team who are as well. My cousin, who is one of the most important people in my life, is also gay. So, don't worry about that with me. Okay?"
I nodded, thankful that I wasn't going to have another scene like I did with Drew.
"But," Nick continued, "I really don't think this is about me. Is it?"
"No," I said. "But how did you figure that out."
"Well," he laughed. "This is just a shot in the dark, but I'd guess it's about Jeff. Considering you pushed me back in the elevator earlier as he was running after you."
"You saw him, too?"
"Yes," he said. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
I thought about my options. I really didn't want to tell Nick what had happened because I was incredibly embarrassed. But at the same time, I had the feeling that Nick could magically make everything better.
"I tried to kiss him," I said, taking the direct approach.
"And."
"And he pushed me away. It was obvious he didn't want anything to do with me."
"Why do you think that?" Nick asked. "Did he say something to you?"
"No," I said. "I didn't give him the chance."
"So how do you know what he's thinking?"
Nick's words made me stop and think. I was so wrapped up in what I thought Jeff's reaction would have been, I really didn't take the time to actually find out.
Nick continued. "Do you really think someone who doesn't want anything to do with you would really run after you? That doesn't sound like the Jeff I know."
Just then the realization sunk in. I didn't even give Jeff a chance.
"What have I done, Nick? Did I totally screw this up?"
"There are two things I can tell you. First," he laughed, "Jeff put you in the hospital. That's definitely something you can get a lot of mileage from." He looked over at me and I grinned in spite of myself. "Seriously, Alex. I've known Jeff for a lot of years and he is not the kind of guy who is going to this stand in the way for a friendship." He paused for a second. "That is, if you want to be his friend. After all of this, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to see any of us."
"Well, I have to admit that you were about the last person I wanted to see coming off that elevator this afternoon. But, you didn't have to come after me and I appreciate that. As far as Jeff is concerned, I like to try to be friends. He wouldn't be the first friend of mine I've been attracted to."
"Then you need to go talk to him."
"Just let me figure out what I'm going to say, first."
"No!" Nick said as he grabbed my good arm, pulling me to the door. "We're going up there right now and fix this mess."
Scene 12
Nick and I walked into the suite to find Sharon sitting with Jeff.
"I told you he'd show up," Sharon said to Jeff.
I looked at her and shook my head. "So this was the emergency you had to take care of?"
"I had to find out if you were okay," Jeff said to me. "And I figured Sharon could look for you in places I couldn't."
"He's smarter than he looks," Nick commented to Sharon.
"Let's let them talk," she said as they left the room.
Jeff and I stood there, staring at each other. As the seconds passed, the silence grew heavier and even more uncomfortable. I had let my emotions get the best of me earlier. I took a deep breath and started to speak.
"I'm sorry," both Jeff and I said simultaneously.
We both started to laugh. I was thankful the silence was broken.
"What do you have to be sorry about?" I asked.
"For giving you the wrong idea," he said. "I like you, Alex. Maybe not in the way you had hoped, but I think you're a pretty cool guy. I'm still hoping we can be friends. I'm not going to lie to you. At first I tried to start up this friendship because I was feeling guilty for hurting you. I know that's the best way to build a basis for a friendship, but the more I got to know you, the more I realized I like you."
"I'm not very good at this," I said.
"At what?"
"At talking. At being honest with other people. I'm just not very good at it."
"Just say what's in your heart," Jeff said.
"Is it really that easy for you?" I asked. "I've gotten burned so many times in the past I've just about stopped letting people in. It took me over two years to come out to Mike and he was someone whom I trusted with my life. Suddenly, I meet you and Nick and I'm forced to reveal everything about myself in one week."
"Wait a minute," he interrupted. "I don't want to force you to do anything. Is that what you think I'm doing?"
"No. I'm sorry, Jeff. That wasn't the right word to use. I told you I'm not very good at this. Honestly, it's Mike who is forcing me to do things that make me uncomfortable. He thinks it's time for me to start pursuing a relationship. I know he's right but I don't know how to do it."
"I know," Jeff said. "That's what he told me yesterday."
"Huh?"
"I went to see him at the gym yesterday. He was pretty hostile at first but once he saw that I was there to apologize he calmed down. We actually had a really good talk. I think he was trying to figure out if I was gay. He was asking me some leading questions. That's why I assumed you and he were together."
"You talked to Mike?" I said incredulously. I was impressed that Jeff would to that. "That says a lot about you."
"Thanks," he said. "He thinks highly of you, you know?"
"I wouldn't have gotten this far without him. He always seems to be one step ahead of me. He's always ready for my next disaster. You know," I said, thinking back. "I agonized for about seven months as to whether to come out to him. Part of me didn't want to screw up our friendship, which is what would have happened if he had reacted negatively. Then there was the other part of me that said I shouldn't stay friends with someone if he would do that to me. It's the whole catch-22 thing. So, I finally got up the nerve to tell him. I had speeches all prepared for either situation."
"What happened?" Jeff asked.
I started laughing. "I launched into this whole diatribe about me being the same person I had always been. Then I came out."
"And."
"And he said, 'I know. It's no big deal.'"
Jeff started laughing.
"Stop laughing," I said, trying not to laugh myself. "Actually, it was pretty funny. He told me he had known since the first day we met."
"I thought you weren't any good at this?"
I looked at him with a puzzled expression.
"You said you're not good at talking," he explained. "Once you forgot you had to, you did just fine."
I smiled, knowing he was right.
"You know, this afternoon, when I asked you if you were ready to start dating?"
I put two and two together in my head. "That was because of your conversation with Mike, right? Not because you wanted to ask me out."
"Yes and no," he said. "I was asking you because there is someone I know that I think you would like."
I knew exactly what he was doing. "No blind dates!" I said with conviction.
He just grinned at me. "We'll talk about this later."
Scene 13
"Come on! Two more reps."
Mike was standing over me as I struggled on the leg press. My mind was definitely not on the work out. I was thinking about what had happened between Jeff and me the day before. Although we had worked through the issues surrounding what had happened, I was still feeling strange about it.
"So, do you want to tell me what's on your mind?" Mike asked as he pulled the weights off the machine. "I know it's been about two weeks since you've worked out and your shoulder is still sore, but you really seem out of it today."
"Something happened yesterday," I said.
"Something good or something bad."
I laughed. "I'm not really sure."
I got up and we started walking towards the seated leg curl machine. As we walked, I filled Mike in on everything that had happened between Jeff and me. He listened carefully and waited until I was done before speaking.
"He would have been your first, right?"
"What?" I said. I knew what Mike was asking but I was too embarrassed to admit it.
"Your first kiss, right?"
I nodded and looked down. Here I was, well into my twenties and I had never been kissed.
"It's okay to say it, you know," Mike said quietly.
"Is it?"
"Of course," he said. "I kind of admire that about you. The fact that you've waited until the right time."
I looked up at him. He always knew the right thing to say. "Thanks," I said.
Although I had never specifically told Mike I'd never kissed a man before, over the years I've dropped hints and bits of information about it. I wasn't surprised that he had figured it out. He has always been a pretty perceptive guy.
Mike had heard portions of my history, but I'd never sat down and told it to him in chronological order. A lot of it I try to forget, so I sometimes get the dates and times confused. Like I had explained to Jeff, I didn't have an easy time of coming out. After years of people telling me that being gay was immoral, I had developed a type of internalized homophobia. I know that a lot of people felt so free when they came out to themselves. For me, however, I suddenly felt even more confined.
Growing up, everyone around me hated gays; so when I figured out I was gay my only option was to hate myself. I may be simplifying it a bit but that's about what happened. It took me years to realize that all those people were wrong. It took me even longer to wash away all that hatred that had built up inside of me.
While all of my friends in high school and college were going on first dates and having sex for the first time, I was battling with my own demons. I was too busy drinking to numb the pain I was in to worry about prom and the Mid-Winter Ball.
Just after I turned 21, I was finally at the point where I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had long since abandoned the hatred and bigotry imposed upon me in my youth. Now, the problem was that I was 21 and I had never been on a date before. I was an adult and therefore I was responsible. I had missed out on the chance to be the irresponsible teenager who merely thinks with his hormones.
So, I decided to wait until I met the right guy. I suppose I was also thinking in terms of what a grand romantic gesture it would be if I found the man of my dreams. Although I had never done it, I really didn't see much point in sleeping around.
"Yes," I said to Mike finally. "He would have been my first."
"Not a bad choice," he grinned. I wasn't sure, but I think I may have caught a wink.
"He wants to set me up on a date," I said.
"Go for it, Alex!"
"I don't know. The thought scares me to death."
"Look," he said, "what you did yesterday was great. I'm really proud of you. But you can't stop there. Do you know who it is?"
"Not really. Nick said their publicist is gay, so maybe it's him."
"You need to do this," Mike said with confidence.
The thought of facing another situation like the one I had with Jeff was starting to make my head spin. Then, I started to think about how great it was to be in Jeff's arms.
"Okay, I'll tell him 'yes'"
A huge smile was plastered across Mike's face. "Now," he said, "can we do your hamstring exercises so we can both go home?"
To be continued.
I know that it's better with a cliffhanger ending to each episode, but sometimes that's not possible. I will try to post the next installment in a week. Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com