The legal stuff: This is a sexually explicit story involving homosexuality. Do not continue if this will offend you. By continuing, you implicitly declare and affirm under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to sexually explicit material. The content and opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with regard to the sexual preference of any member of 98 Degrees or other celebrities named herein. (I do believe all the guys are straight but as long as they're happy it's all good by me.) This is a work of fiction entirely.
Thanks to Jase and to Dan. Dan, I'm falling further in love with you every time we don't get to be together. (If that makes any sense.) In this installment I'm borrowing a phrase I picked up from the coolest straight man I know: James Buselli. Check him out at totaljames.com. Now, on with the show.
Scene 138
The next several days were trying, to say the least. I was still bed-ridden, which was driving me crazy. The only information I got about Drew was delivered from the various members of our extended family. I quickly learned to believe some people more than others. Nick, it seemed, was the least optimistic of them all. It was as though he had resigned himself to losing his brother and he would only admit to progress after the doctors assured him Drew wouldn't relapse. He was most prepared for Drew to take a downturn in his recovery.
Yes, Drew was recovering. Despite the prognosis given when he was first admitted, Drew did seem to be on the mend, although the process was going to be painfully slow. My biggest concern was having Drew realize I was okay. Since Jeff was the one to have to lie to Drew about my condition, I gave him the task of letting him know I was, indeed, on the mend myself. Even more that I was, Drew was slipping in and out of real consciousness because of the amount of medication he was one. Fortunately, it seemed that Drew didn't really remember what Jeff had told him about my condition, which made Jeff quite happy.
His injuries were quite severe. I'm certain I was told on more than one occasion exactly what had happened, but all I seemed to remember is that he had broken an arm, several ribs, and that he had extensive internal injuries and one hell of a concussion.
I tried to play it off, but the doctors were more and more concerned about my memory lapses. It was standard procedure for a patient going through major trauma to forget things, but usually it was details about the accident. I was losing entire conversations with people and as much as I wanted to think it was nothing, I was getting worried myself.
"When am I going to get to see him?" I asked.
"The doctor said you can see him as soon as he's stable and as soon as you get a little more ambulatory," Zane explained one afternoon. "It's not like we can wheel you and that contraption on your leg into the ICU."
I groaned, knowing he was right but not wanting to agree.
"Have you given it any thought?" he asked, changing the subject completely.
"I have," I smiled, proud that I actually recalled the conversation to which he was referring. "I would like to stay here while Drew is in recovery."
"Good. I'll figure out where we can all stay once you get sprung from this place."
He leaned over and gently kissed me on the cheek before leaving. That left me alone with Jeff and Mike in the room, although neither of them seemed to really be paying attention to my conversation with Zane.
We all sat in relative silence for some time. It was one of the first times in quite awhile I remembered enjoying the silence. Mike was sitting sideways on the lone chair in the room, his legs hung over the side as he quickly flipped through the channels on the TV. The volume was down so low I couldn't really hear it. Jeff was leaning up against the wall, absentmindedly staring out the window at the blue Hawaiian sky.
"Jeff?" I asked, somewhat startling him.
"What's up?" he replied quickly.
"Did you already tell me what you told him?"
"Umm, what do you mean?" he said, looking right at Mike.
"I mean I never really know these days if I know something or not. Chances are you told me what you said to Drew to get him to wake up and I just forgot."
"What was that?" Mike asked.
"It's nothing," Jeff said.
I suppose I did know that Mike wasn't in the loop but at the time it just didn't dawn on me. Part of me figured Jeff told someone and I had guessed it would be Mike. Jeff was closest to Nick, of course, but I knew he wouldn't ever mention the conversation to him while Drew was still so far from normal. Plus, despite the growing friendship between Jeff and Zane, I still would have guessed Mike would be the one to find out.
"It's okay, Jeff," I said. "He'll find out sooner or later."
"Find out what?" Mike asked, growing suspicious.
"That Jeff is the reason Drew woke up."
"No, I'm not," Jeff quickly said.
"What's going on?" Mike asked.
"I had Jeff go to Drew and tell him I was dying," I said, not really realizing how outlandish it all sounded.
"What?" Mike practically yelled.
"To get him to come back to me, so he could say goodbye. That's why he woke up."
"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard."
"But it worked," I shrugged.
"No," Jeff said quietly. "It didn't."
I looked at Jeff, whose blue eyes were transfixed on mine. In his eyes there was a sadness that I had only seen once before, back in New York on New Year's Eve.
"I'm sorry, Alex," he said.
The three of us were motionless. I felt so confused, having convinced myself that my plan had been the reason Drew had woken up. The doctors had all but written him off. His mother was at my side telling me she was preparing to say goodbye to her son.
"I wanted to do what you asked, Alex. I really did," Jeff began. "But it wasn't that simple. In the beginning I had told you I'd do it just to calm you down. I wasn't really going to but I started feeling guilty. So I figured I would go to Drew and tell him and he wouldn't even hear me. And it took a long time for me to even get to be alone with Drew. Nick wasn't exactly keen on having me there."
"Why?" Mike asked.
"Because of all the fights Drew and I have been having. I really don't blame Nick. I mean, if my brother were on his deathbed, I wouldn't want one of his biggest enemies to be the last person around when he passed away. But, somehow I managed it."
"Is that when you had me take Nick and Justin out to dinner?"
"Yeah," Jeff confirmed to Mike. "So I got in there with Drew and I was there holding his hand and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't tell him that you were dying, Alex. And it's not because I didn't believe he could hear me. I was holding his hand and I could feel a tiny bit of life still in him. I knew that he was still with us. I hadn't given up hope like Nick did. What really scared me was the idea that Drew would actually hear me."
"You've totally lost me," Mike confessed.
"I don't know exactly what went down between you and Drew the night of the accident," Jeff said, addressing me directly. "But I know for a fact that he loves you and he always will. I can guarantee that. Even all those months of me fighting with him I still knew he loved you. So, what scared me was if I had told Drew you were dying, what would keep him from just letting go?"
There was a sudden hush in the room. I blinked slowly, trying to let it all sink in. It wasn't until that moment that I realized what Jeff was saying.
"You were worried that he would give up so he could be with me after I died," I said.
Jeff could only nod.
"Oh my God!" Mike announced. "This is too weird."
"And in that moment when I was holding his hand, I knew that's what Drew would have done. I can't tell you how I know, but I know. Maybe because that's what I." his voice trailed off.
"So, what did you say?" Mike asked.
"I opted for the truth," he said with fervor. "I told Drew that Alex loves him. That much is true. I also told him that I love him."
In Jeff's eyes I could see there was more he wanted to say.
"And." I said.
"And I told him that I love you, Alex. And if he didn't want us together, he'd have to come back and fight me for you."
"And that's when he woke up," I whispered.
Jeff nodded, reaching out and grabbing my hand. I could feel the life in his body. He took a tentative step forward, closing the distance between us. A moment later his lips were on mine and he sealed his emotions with a single kiss.
Scene 139
When I opened my eyes I found Jeff looking down on me, trying not to blush. I glanced over at Mike, who had an astonished look on his face that almost made me laugh. It dawned on me that he probably had no idea about Jeff's inner conflict about his feelings for me. Despite everything, it was apparent what Jeff had decided. This was the second time he had kissed me and he didn't have the excuse of being drunk this time. And even more, he had told his dying friend that he loved me.
"Umm, what just happened?" Mike asked, trying still to comprehend what he had witnessed.
Jeff shook his head slightly, as if he were a cartoon. It was as though he had forgotten that Mike was there. He turned and looked at him, not really ready to say anything. Mike looked back and started to grin.
"Jeff I had no idea you were gay," he said.
"I'm not," was Jeff's response.
"But, look Jeff. I don't care. I mean you just took me by surprise that's all. You couldn't get a better guy than Alex."
"He's not gay, Mike," I intervened, trying to make the best of the situation for Jeff. I knew that despite Mike's overwhelming acceptance he probably would struggle with the concept of a straight man loving another man without being gay. That's how Jeff had described his feeling for me. It all made sense between the two of us but when you started explaining it to someone else it didn't sound too clear. It's like the plot of a soap opera. When you're watching it, everything makes perfect sense. When you try to explain the plot, however, you sound remarkably foolish.
"But." Mike said.
"Jeff and I have a sort of understanding," I started, doing my best to back peddle and give Jeff a way out if he needed. "Jeff is still straight, but he and I have connected on another level, Mike. It's kinda hard to understand."
"Oh, so you and him have never.you know?"
"No," Jeff said. "I've never done anything with a guy, Mike. I know it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to me, but I know I love Alex. You love Alex, don't you?"
"Of course."
"And you know that he's one in a million, right?"
"Yeah, I wouldn't be here if he wasn't."
"Over time I just started feeling all of that and realized he was someone I wanted to be with. Maybe that does make me gay. Or bisexual. I don't know. I just know that I love him."
"There's nothing wrong with that, Jeff," Mike replied. "There's nothing wrong with loving someone."
I didn't say anything. I was simply there watching the interaction between the two of them. I was so proud of both of them. Right there in front of me Jeff was coming out. Maybe it wasn't the traditional way someone might out themselves, but in reality is there really a traditional way to be gay? To me, who you love is not much the issue as it is that you love someone. That's what Jeff wanted: to love someone.
And who better to come out to than someone like Mike. I remember hearing someone describe themselves as "straight but not narrow". That description fit Mike perfectly. Mike may have been surprised to see Jeff kiss me, but he never was judging him. It took me months to come out to Mike but all that time he was supporting me and letting me know it was going to be okay. I didn't realize it at the time but he knew.
I could see Jeff tense up at the silence that had fallen across the room. I was about to say something when I saw Mike make his move. He stood up and walked the 5 or 6 feet across the room. Jeff visibly tightened his muscles but Mike was only there to comfort him. He walked up to Jeff and threw his arms around him. Jeff slumped down into Mike's arms and let out a sigh. I couldn't have been prouder to call Mike family then right at that moment.
"Don't worry about it, buddy," I heard Mike whisper. "Everything is gonna be fine."
Jeff had just overcome a huge obstacle but I knew there were many more ahead. I also knew that I was in for a rough stretch as well. It seemed as though I was facing the biggest decision of my life.
"Everything's gonna be fine," Mike repeated a little louder. "Everything's gonna be fine."
To be continued.
Author's note: I agonized over the last installment I posted. I thought I had made a stupid error having Alex tell Drew he was dying. After it was posted it seemed like a dumb thing for him to do. But, then it dawned on me that in real life, we all do really stupid things. I have been trying to figure out a way to undo that blunder and that's how this installment came along. I think it worked out well. And, it wasn't until I wrote the kiss that I knew it was going to happen. I know there are "Alex and Drew" loyalists and "Alex and Jeff" loyalists out there. Even I don't know where this one is going but it should be fun to write.
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Thanks for all the feedback and emails of encouragement. They mean a lot to me. Take care everyone. -Thack
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