First, the legal stuff: This story is sexually-explicit, involving homosexuality. Do not continue if this will offend you. If accessing this story causes you to break local laws (village, town, city, county, province, state, or country, etc.), please leave now.
By continuing, you implicitly declare and affirm under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to sexually-explicit material.
The content and opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with regards to the sexual preference of any member of 98 Degrees or any other celebrities named herein. It is a work of fiction entirely.
Second, the non-legal stuff: Thanks for stopping by and reading. The first part of my story was my first submission. I forgot to put "to be continued" at the end, so I decided to send out the second part a little sooner than I had planned. That way, everyone knows this is a continuing tale.
If you enjoy the story, or any of the others on the archive, please consider making a donation to support Nifty. And, yes, before you ask...I have made a donation already.
Send feedback to: thack98@mindspring.com
Thack
Scene 5
I saw the surprise on Jeff's eyes as Mike hit him from behind. Jeff fell forward, with Mike landing on top of him. I heard Jeff's gasp as he was crushed against the floor, presumably getting the wind knocked out of him.
I yelled something, but neither of them listened. Jeff started to struggle. Although Mike outweighed him by fifty pounds, Jeff looked extremely strong. I knew I had to put a stop to this, since it was only going to get worse. As carefully as I could, I stood up and took a few steps, not remembering the shoes I had taken off when I sat down. Tripping, I lost my balance, sending me crashing into the coffee table. Fortunately, I managed to twist my body as I fell so that I didn't fall on my injured shoulder.
Although Mike had his back to me, Jeff saw me falling. He struggled to get past Mike to try to save me but Mike wouldn't release his grip. I tightened up as I fell; bracing myself for the pain I knew would come. I ended up lying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling.
At first, I felt no pain. Then, it hit me. I screamed as I felt my field of vision grow narrow. I fought to stay awake, not ready to blackout again.
"Shit!" yelled Jeff as he appeared over me.
Mike pushed him away as he knelt next to me. "Don't move," he cried. "I'll call the ambulance."
Despite the agony I was in, I wasn't about to go back to the hospital. It probably wasn't the smartest decision, but I was pretty sure I hadn't done any damage.
"No!" I said as tears started to fall. "I'll be okay. Just help me up." Mike did as I requested, knowing that the only way I would go back to the hospital was if he dragged me there. I ended up sitting exactly where I was before they started fighting.
"At least let me examine you," he said.
I finally looked over at Jeff, almost forgetting that he was in the room. He didn't know what to think. What Jeff didn't know was that Mike was only about two credits shy of being a licensed physical therapist. I knew that Mike would know exactly what to do with a shoulder injury like the one I had.
Mike slowly tried to pull my left arm out of the shirtsleeve and I winced with pain. I saw Jeff flinch, as if he were the one in pain.
"Alex, where are the pain killers? I'm sure your doctor prescribed something for you," Jeff asked.
"I didn't get the prescription filled," Mike said.
"What?" Jeff responded incredulously. "He needs it right now. Look at how much pain he is in."
Mike momentarily stopped trying to remove my shirt to address Jeff. "I didn't get the prescription filled because he won't take it."
"What?" was all Jeff could say.
"He won't take it," Mike repeated.
By this point, my mind was in somewhat of a haze. Mike was right, but I really didn't feel like explaining all of it to Jeff. Frankly, I was hoping that Jeff would just leave but it didn't look like that was going to happen.
I snapped back to the present, realizing that Mike was talking to me. I glanced down and noticed he had removed my shirt and he was feeling around my shoulder and back for any further damage.
"If I didn't know better, I'd say you've been working out," he smiled, trying to take my mind off of the situation. It was working pretty well.
"Yeah," I said. "I have this personal trainer who works me like a dog." Mike started laughing and I noticed that Jeff cracked a slight smile. Jeff must have connected that fact that Mike was my trainer.
"Well," Mike announced. "I think you're fine. But you are going to go see your doctor tomorrow if I have to drag you there myself."
"Okay," I sighed. "I just didn't want to spend another night in that hospital."
Mike continued to check the muscles are joints around my shoulder. As he was doing it, he'd ask me if I was feeling any pain. Then, somewhat out of the blue, he said, "Don't you think it's time for him to go?" Mike's question was really a statement.
I looked up at Jeff and his eyes were pleading with me. I knew he desperately needed to try to fix the mess he had caused. Despite my initial dislike for him, I had to give him credit for still being in the room. If Mike had attacked me, I'd have certainly been out the door and halfway to the Canadian border by that point.
"Mike," I said, "I know you're just looking out for me but I can take care of myself this time." He looked at me, not sure if he was ready to believe me. "Really, I can. If you can just give us a couple of minutes, we'll get this over with and Jeff with leave.
Besides, I am getting kind of hungry."
The last part about being hungry was a lie, but I knew it would work to get Mike out of the room. In all honesty, I was feeling a bit nauseous from the pain.
"Okay, but you know exactly where I am," Mike said, presumably to intimidate Jeff.
After Mike had left, I looked over at Jeff. He was still standing in the same position.
"Are you okay?" I asked. "Mike didn't hurt you, did he?"
"No. He just scared." His voice trailed off. He started over. "He just startled me." There was an awkward silence. I looked carefully at Jeff's face. He did indeed look scared, but I doubted it was because of Mike. There was something else going on here and I didn't have a clue about what it was. He seemed to want to say something, but instead he just stood there.
"Sit down," I said, patting the couch next to me.
Jeff sat down. He pulled one leg up on the couch and turned to face me. I averted his eyes and looked out the window. The sun was beginning to set and the city lights were starting to appear. The silence was brutal. I never was a person to appreciate silence. It always made me uncomfortable. The only person I could be around and not speak was Mike.
"I'm sorry," he finally said.
"I think we've covered that," I said coldly, looking at him. "You told me that the other day at the hospital. You told me that on the phone. And you told me that when you walked in here tonight. But, that's not all you have to say, is it?"
"No."
"Then what is it?" I inquired.
"This is all about Nick," he began tentatively. "He and I are pretty tight."
"Nick told me."
"What did he tell you?" Jeff quickly asked, as if I knew a secret he didn't want me to know.
"No details. Just that you and he really look out for each other. He said that you've been there for him in times when no one else has." I paused, expecting Jeff to speak. When he didn't, I continued. "He also said that you help him out far more than he does for you."
Jeff laughed. "That's typical Nick. I'd say the opposite is closer to the truth."
He stopped talking and looked at me. His eyes seemed to pierce right through me. I shivered, even though it was the middle of August. I suddenly realized I wasn't wearing my shirt. I knew it wasn't the temperature that was bothering me. I pulled on the fabric, struggling to put it back on. I managed pretty well until I realized there wasn't any chance of me buttoning it up. Without asking, Jeff leaned over and slowly fastened the buttons. As he was helping me, he asked, "You are Mike are pretty tight?"
"Yes," I said simply.
"So you've probably been through a lot together."
"Yes," I said again. "More than you can know."
"Then maybe you'll understand what Nick means to me."
"I think I already do."
"I just need you to understand why I did what I did to you the other day," he said.
"Then tell me."
"It all goes back to when I first met Nick," he started. "After I dropped out of college I headed to Los Angeles. I had dreams of making it big. I always knew I'd do it, but every young kid probably thinks that. I was pretty naive at the time and LA was very different from Ohio."
"Careful," I interrupted. "I'm a native Southern Californian."
He grinned. "I just said it was different, that's all. Anyway, I had hooked up with some guys and we were trying to a vocal group going. I was working all kinds of odd jobs- even doing some commercials-but I was barely scraping by. All in all, I was pretty miserable. One by one the other guys dropped out of the group. I was living with my brother at the time. He was trying to become an actor. His agent hooked me up with a guy named Jon. Jon said he knew this guy he went to high school with who would be perfect for the group. It turned out to be Nick. Somehow I convinced Nick to quit school and move to LA to sing with us. Eventually, Justin got on board through Nick."
"What about Drew?" I asked.
"Hang on," he laughed. "I'm getting there. The four of us were having a tough time paying the bills. One night, Boyz II Men had a concert. Nick and I didn't think we should go because the tickets were too expensive. Plus, there was a big football game on.
We lost the argument with Justin and Jon so we ended up at the concert. After the show we managed to sneak our way backstage to try to meet the group."
"How did you manage that?"
"Justin actually. He's pretty persuasive when he needs to be. We didn't meet the guys, but out of sheer luck Montell Jordan's manager heard us singing. A couple of months later we signed with him and we were all set to open for Montell at the House of Blues.
That's when everything started to unravel. Just weeks before the gig, Jon decided he wanted out. He said that he wanted to be an actor and that singing wasn't for him. I had spent years trying to get to that point and suddenly it was all gone. I called Justin and Nick to tell them about Jon but neither was around. I knew that it was too late to bring anyone new into the group. We would never be able to blend a new voice in such a short time." "Unless that voice happens to be related," I commented.
"You're right, of course. But I didn't even know Drew could sing. Plus, he was living in New York at the time. That night I had all of my dreams vanish when they were so close to becoming reality and I lost it."
Jeff suddenly stopped talking. I couldn't tell if that was the end of the story or if he was trying to decide if he wanted to continue.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I did something really stupid."
"You don't have to tell me, you know."
"But I do," he said. "I need to see why I'm so indebted to Nick."
"He's your friend. That's enough for me," I said.
"It's more than that. He saved my life."
He looked right at me and I could see a mix of emotions in his eyes.
"I went out that night," he said, continuing his story. "I got in my car and drove for awhile. I ended taking half of the liquor store home with me. I wasn't thinking at all. I just wanted to forget about everything. I kept drinking but I couldn't seem to forget." I felt a chill run down my spine. Jeff had no idea, but I knew exactly what he had been feeling. I'd been there, too.
"I don't really remember much else. I only know what Nick told me. He and Justin got home and heard the frantic message I'd left. They kept calling my place and when they didn't reach me they started worrying. Nick went out looking for me. He went to my place and was just about to leave when he saw my car. I had passed out sitting in the driver's seat."
"You weren't going to drive, were you?"
"Like I said, I don't remember anything." He sighed. "Unfortunately, I probably was going out to get more alcohol. The keys were in the ignition." "Wow," I said.
"Yeah. Nick dragged me upstairs to my apartment and stayed up with me all night. We didn't know each other that well, so I give him a lot of credit for holding my head over the toilet as I puked."
"Lovely," I smirked. "But, that's not the point, is it?"
"Not really. Nick saved my life that night. I could have killed myself. Or worse, I could have killed someone else."
"We have more in common that you know, Jeff," I said, thinking about my own battle with alcohol.
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing," I said, not ready to go through the emotion of telling my story.
"I don't think Nick ever told Drew or Justin about what happened that night. Four days later, Drew was in LA."
"Nick saved you so you were trying to do the same for him the other day?" I asked.
"Touche."
"Jeff, can I ask you a question?"
"Go ahead," he replied.
"If I forgive you for this," I said, pointing to my shoulder, "will you promise me to never again tell me a story that involves you throwing up."
He laughed. "Deal," he said. He leaned over and surprised me by kissing me on the forehead. Then he carefully pulled me into a hug.
"What's going on here?" I heard Mike ask as he entered the room.
Scene 6
When Jeff heard Mike's voice behind him, he quickly released me from the hug that he had pulled me in. As he did, however, I felt his hand come to rest on my leg, just above the knee. He knew that Mike couldn't see this. He squeezed my knee and winked at me.
"I was just leaving," Jeff said as he stood up.
I sat there, a little confused about what had just happened. Jeff had poured out his heart, telling me about a very difficult time in his life. I began to realize just how important Nick was to him. At the same time, I felt a kind of kinship with Jeff, even though he didn't realize it. My own battles with alcohol had shaped who I was. No one knew that better than Mike.
I glanced over at Mike and saw that he was carrying two plates of food. Despite my queasy stomach of about ten minutes earlier, I was suddenly starving.
"Can I call you tomorrow?" Jeff asked me.
"Yeah," I said. "I'd like that."
Jeff turned to leave. As he walked past Mike, there was some form of non-verbal interaction that I couldn't see. My best guess was that Mike was glaring at Jeff.
When Mike heard Jeff close the front door, he said, "So, what happened in here?" He put the plate of food in front of me.
"Let's just say that he was probably acting a hell of a lot more mature than you were." I could feel the blood rush to my face when I talked. I could count the number of times on one hand that I had argued with Mike and I wasn't looking forward to mixing it up with him.
"You know why I did it. Right?"
"Yes, Mike. I know. And, trust me. I appreciate it more than you can imagine. I have very few people in my corner but I just think that there was a better way to handle that.
What you did was exactly what he did to me."
"No," he protested. "You were trying to help Nick and all he was doing was upsetting you."
Now I was really angry. "You don't know that!" I said, practically yelling. "You walked in here and lunged at him before either of us had a chance to speak."
"But I could see your face and."
"Wait a minute." I cut him off. "Since when are you qualified to decide how I am feeling just by looking at me. You know me better than anyone else in this world, Mike, but you don't know me that well."
He was stunned by my little outburst. Mike was always the one pushing me so this strike against him caught him off guard.
"I'm not hungry any more," I said, pushing the plate away from me. I tried to stand up and I started to feel a little lightheaded. I quickly sat back down and held my head in my hands. I sat there for a couple of seconds with my eyes closed. I felt Mike put his hand on my shoulder, gently rubbing my back. I tried to stop them, but the tears came.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I was wrong."
I looked up at him, surprised by his words. "What did you just say?"
"You're not going to make this easy on me, are you?"
My tears continued, but this time they were fueled with laughter. I'd won the battle.
Mike was the most stubborn guy I'd ever met, so getting an apology out of him was a major victory. "No," I said with a touch of malice in my voice. "I want to hear you say it again."
"Alex!" he pleaded. As he said my name his hand came to rest on my shoulder once again. This time, however, he gripped it a little too tight.
"Okay," I said, getting the message.
"Good. Now quit all that blabbering and eat something."
"Yes, sir!"
I hadn't gotten more than two bites of chicken down when Mike asked me a question.
"You like him, don't you?"
"Yeah," I said chewing. "I think we have a lot in common. And, he seems like a decent guy, despite the obvious obstacle of my hospitalization."
"No," Mike replied. "I mean you're attracted to him. Right?"
I wasn't ready for that. Whatever I was chewing managed to get lodged in my throat. I ended up coughing for about twenty seconds. Once I managed to get my breathing under control I said, "You're kidding right?"
"No. Why would I be kidding about that?"
"You think I'm attracted to Jeff Timmons?"
"Sure. Why not?"
"Jeff is not gay," I said. "And, even if he was I wouldn't have a chance in hell with him."
"Don't do that!" Mike yelled. "I tired of hearing you put yourself down, Alex. Why don't you see what everyone else does? I've known you for how long? Four years? I've watched you grow up and it's about time you realize it." I looked at him with a blank look on my face. It was my turn to get the verbal dress down. "And another thing. What makes you so sure Jeff isn't gay?"
"I can just tell," I said, trying to convince myself as much as Mike.
"Don't start with that 'gaydar' crap. We both know you have the worst gaydar on the face of the earth. When you meet a guy, you automatically assume he's straight. Don't you?"
"Yeah," I replied meekly.
"Why?"
"It's just easier that way."
Mike had a look of exasperation on his face when he said, "It's not easier, Alex. It's safer for you so you don't have to own up to whatever it is that's scaring you so badly.
You're 26 years old and you've never been with a man-let alone been on a real date."
Mike's words stung but I knew he was right.
"I know about all the shit you've been through," he continued. "Or, at least everything you've told me. I'm not judging you but I think it's time you start pursuing what you want."
"I just want to love somebody," I said, anticipating his next question.
"Then do something about it," he said. "You're going to get hurt, Alex. That's a given but if you never risk anything you will never gain. You know I'll be there for you, right?"
I could only nod my head. I really didn't have any words to say.
"So, I think you should try to talk to Jeff. See what's what. After all, you already have guilt on your side. He did put you in the hospital, after all."
"What?" I said incredulously. "You think I'm going to use that to get close to him?"
"Let's put it this way, buddy. If some hot chick knocks me unconscious you better believe I'm going to use that to get her to like me."
"Breeder," I laughed.
"And damn proud of it," Mike said as he was laughing. "Someone has to carry on the next generation. Now, eat that damn chicken."
Scene 7
After several days cooped up at home, I was getting stir crazy. Mike did his best to entertain me, but he had to make up the time at work he missed when he was taking care of me right after the accident. Sharon stopped by a couple of times and filled me in on all the gossip at the hotel. The first time she came over, she tried to cook for me but that turned out to be an unmitigated disaster. After that, she brought take-out.
Come Saturday, I finally decided to get out of my condo. Not really having anywhere else to go, I decided to head into work to try to catch up on some of what I missed. I knew that Monday was going to be rough when I returned. Even though I only lived six blocks from the hotel, I was pretty winded by the time I walked over there. I was surprised at how my body was reacting to the trauma I had been through.
I ran into a couple of people at the hotel but I really tried to stay out of sight as much as possible. I knew I was the subject of quite a few rumors and I wasn't in the mood to face any of them. I ended up sitting in my office, not really working but shuffling a lot of papers. I was thinking about Mike. All week he had been pressuring me to call Jeff and talk to him. I finally decided to take my best friend's advice.
Jeff and I had spoken only once since the night he visited me. He called me the next afternoon. I had fallen asleep on the couch watching TV when the phone jolted me awake. I was a little groggy at the time and I was having trouble following along with the conversation. After I hung up I felt badly. I was pretty sure Jeff thought I was just trying to get him off the phone. Truth be told, I may have been doing that subconsciously.
I looked up the number of the suite where the guys were staying. I took a couple of deep breaths and dialed the room.
"Hello?" I heard on the other end.
"Drew?" I asked.
"Yup. Who is this?"
"Oh, sorry. It's Alex. I was hoping to talk to Jeff. Is he around?"
"Yeah," Drew said, "but he's asleep right now. He was up most of the night at the studio writing. I can wake him up with you want. I'm sure he wouldn't mind."
I knew the guys were in town to work with Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, two music producers who have their studio in Minneapolis. I'm sure it was a big deal for 98 Degrees to get to work with them because they've created hit records for Boyz II Men, Janet Jackson, and TLC.
"No, don't wake him up. I just wanted to clear some things up," I said. "I'm downstairs, actually. I was getting cabin fever at home so I figured I'd come into work to try to catch up. It's not working too well, though. I'm having trouble concentrating."
"You've been through a lot," he said. "Give yourself some time."
"I know. If it's okay with you, I'll try back again in an hour or so."
"Look, you are welcome to come up here. Besides Jeff, I'm the only one here. Nick is working out and Justin is out shopping or something. I was just flipping through the channels on the TV. I'm sure Jeff will be up soon."
"I wouldn't want to be a bother," I replied.
"After what we've put you through this is nothing. Besides, I could use the company, too."
"Okay. I'll come up in a few."
I was a little nervous when I got to the room. I really didn't know what I was going to say to Jeff when I saw him. I was glad that Drew would be around. I heard motion in the suite as I knocked on the door. When it opened, I saw Drew standing in front of me. He was wearing jean shorts, a baseball jersey, and a baseball cap.
"Come on in."
As I walked into the room, I marveled at how big it was. Despite the fact that I was responsible for filling the guest rooms, I never really spent any time in them. I'd certainly never gone into a room to spend time with a guest. It just wasn't done and I felt a little out of place. It was, however, a nice suite. The living room that we were in was almost the size of my condo. On either side of the living room were two bedrooms.
From what I could tell looking in the computer earlier, Drew and Nick were sharing a room. Jeff had his own bedroom and Justin was in a room across the hall.
"Do you want something to drink?" Drew asked as he made his way to the mini-bar.
"Are you crazy?" I replied. "I'm not going to be responsible for drinking a three dollar can of Coke."
He laughed. "It's your hotel," he smiled. "Besides, I think we can afford it."
"Okay, but just water for me."
I sat down in an easy chair and he climbed onto the big couch. There was an uncomfortable silence and then we both started talking at once. I asked him how the album was going and he asked me how I was feeling. We both laughed and I started feeling a little more at ease.
"I'm doing better," I answered. "The headaches are mostly gone and I'm moving the shoulder pretty well. Like I told you, though, I was getting cabin fever. I'm also dying to get back to the gym. I hate not being able to work out. It's the one thing that keeps me sane."
He looked at me knowingly. "I know what you mean. It's tough when we are on the road. One of the reasons we choose this hotel was because of the gym."
"Poor decision, considering what happened to Nick."
"Well," he began, "Nick doesn't want people to know, but he told me what happened. He was doing lat pulldowns and he was trying to be Superman. The weight he was trying to lift was way too heavy for him. He ended up losing his grip and letting the entire weight stack coming crashing down. That's probably why the pulley broke."
"I had wondered what happened. I know you may not want to be so public, but you guys should consider working out at my gym. It's just a couple of blocks from here and it's pretty awesome. It's got a swimming pool, track, racquetball, and a full weight room. It also houses the Timberwolves training facilities. That's where Mike works."
"Oh, well."
"What is it, Drew?"
"I just don't think Mike wants to see any of us, especially me. He made that perfectly clear at the hospital."
"Don't worry about Mike," I said. "He was just trying to protect me. That's all."
Drew grinned. "There's a lot of that going around."
"Yeah, you're right. Mike knows the score, though. In fact, he's the one that made me come up here to talk to Jeff."
"Really?"
Without thinking, I said, "He's under the impression that I like Jeff."
Not being the kind of guy that likes to announce his sexuality, it felt funny to say. I looked over to Drew to try to gage his reaction. I usually have pretty good instincts about people but I just couldn't read Drew. He was either indifferent or he was he was a master at hiding what he really felt.
"I'm sorry," I said. "Was that the wrong thing to say?" I wasn't really sorry but it seemed like the polite thing to say at the time.
Drew looked at me. I could tell he was getting upset but I couldn't tell why. Finally he said, "No, it's not that."
"Then what is it?"
"It's not what you think, Alex."
I was getting a little perturbed. In all honesty, Drew really didn't have any idea what I was thinking.
"You did know I'm gay, right?" I asked.
"Yes. I mean, I thought so. Look," he said, "I just don't think you should try anything with Jeff."
"Who said I was going to go after him," I said. "I just said that Mike thinks I like him."
"I don't think." he began. "It's just." Clearly flustered, he said, "Can we change the subject?"
Now I was angry. "I see. Talking about who I am is a problem for you?"
"No!" he answered quickly. "Really. It doesn't matter to me. I just don't want to talk about being gay. I don't care if you're gay."
Drew didn't know it at the time, but those were the worst words he could word he could have said. I'd been burned too many times by people who told me that my being gay wasn't a problem for them. Unfortunately, their actions didn't exactly follow those words. When I came out to my "best" friend in college, he told me it wasn't a problem for him. About a week later, he told me he didn't want to room with me anymore. It seemed that Drew was just another in a long line of people I didn't want to be around.
"I've been down this road before," I said. "I'm not about to sit here and let you condemn me. I've gone through too much in my life to allow that to happen. Clearly this was a mistake coming up here. Tell Jeff I stopped by."
I got up to leave but before I could take two steps to the door Drew had grabbed my arm.
He looked right into my eyes and said, "You don't understand."
"Whatever," I spat back.
I could see the hurt in his eyes but I wasn't about to soften my stance. He let go of my arm.
"I'll leave," he said. "I'll go see if Jeff is up yet. I don't need both you and him upset at me."
I stood there, trying to decide what to do. I was starting to feel a little guilty for exploding on Drew like that. It really isn't how I handle myself. I was a little surprised because I usually internalize everything. There was something about Drew, however, that allowed me to say what has on my mind.
My thoughts were interrupted when Jeff walked into the room. He was only wearing a pair of blue jeans, but he was carrying a t-shirt in his hand. It was an incredible sight.
His chest was perfect and his biceps and shoulders were pumped. The addition of that perfect smile made him one of the sexiest men I'd ever met.
"Hey!" he said, walking towards me.
"Hey, yourself," I countered, my heart beating a bit faster than before.
The next thing I knew, Jeff was pulling me into a hug. I tried not to, but I was suddenly lost in his arms. I could smell remnants of the cologne he put on that morning. It was one of the greatest moments I could remember.
Scene 8
I stood there, my mind reeling as Jeff's arms were wrapped around me. I tired to sort out what I was feeling. It was a strange combination of comfort and eroticism. I had never been held like that by a man before. It felt safe; it felt right. At the same time, however, I could feel an erection building. I reluctantly let go, allowing my hands to slide down his bare back.
"I'm glad you're here," Jeff said. "After our phone conversation, I didn't really think you wanted to see me."
"About that," I said. "You just caught me at a bad time. Not that that's a good excuse. It just takes me awhile to figure things out sometimes."
"I understand."
I suddenly realized just how close we were standing. I could still smell the faint scent of his cologne. I was a little uncomfortable being that close to him. I took a step back and tripped over my own feet. I started to fall backwards, intending to sit down on the couch that was behind me. Seeing me fall, Jeff reached out to steady me. Before he could stop himself, he grabbed a hold of my left shoulder, which was still very sore from the dislocation.
I let out a cry as I felt the pain shoot through my body. I ended up sitting on the couch, doubled over in pain. Try as I might, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I didn't want to cry. I felt like I had been crying entirely too much but I couldn't help it.
"Oh my God!" Jeff exclaimed as he sat down next to me. I felt his hand softly rubbing my shoulders. "I'm so sorry. I completely forgot."
I took in a deep breath and slowly blew it out. Gathering my strength, I straightened up.
"It's okay," I said. "It's not your fault."
It took a couple of seconds before I realized exactly what I had said. Then I started laughing. I looked up at Jeff and saw the total confusion on his face.
"Actually," I said between my laughter. "It's entirely your fault."
Once he realized I was joking, he started to smile. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"I'll be fine once the searing pain stops."
The smile quickly vanished.
"That was a joke," I replied.
"Don't do that to me," he said, smiling. He finally took his hand off my shoulder. He pulled on the t-shirt that he had been carrying.
"You're worse than Mike."
"What do you mean?"
"Mike never knows when I'm joking," I said. "Sometimes he just doesn't get my sense of humor."
Jeff sat back, turning his body to face me. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure," I said hesitantly.
"How long have you and Mike been together?"
My first thought was that Jeff was asking me how long I'd been training with Mike but looking in his eyes I knew that is not what he was asking. I felt a bit of panic swell through me. I didn't want to go through another scene like I had with Drew.
"What do you mean?" I asked, deciding to play dumb.
"How long have you been going out?" he asked.
"What? We're not." I said, flustered. "I mean.He's not."
Jeff interrupted. "Look. I'm sorry if that was not cool to ask. I was just curious."
"It's not what you think," I tried to explain.
"You don't need to explain anything to me, Alex. I'm sorry if I upset you," he said sincerely. "Trust me. The fact that you are gay doesn't bother me."
My mind snapped back to the conversation I had with Mike the day Jeff came to visit me.
Mike said that I needed to open my mind a little. I go around in this world thinking everyone is straight. "Maybe Mike is right," I thought. "Maybe Jeff is gay."
"Really?" I said out loud. "I guess I was expecting you to treat me like Drew did."
"Is that what was going on? Drew looked pretty upset when he came in to get me. He wouldn't tell me what was happening, though."
"Drew and I don't exactly see eye to eye," I said. "I expected you to be the same way."
Jeff sat upright and looked straight at me. "First of all," he said forcefully, "I don't appreciate you judging me before you even get the chance to know me. Have I done anything to make you think I wouldn't accept you?" He paused, waiting for my response.
When I didn't answer, he asked again. "Have I done anything to make you think that?"
"No," I said quietly.
"Good," Jeff said. "Because it's not an issue for me. Understand?" When I nodded he continued. "Second, you really shouldn't judge Drew that way. I didn't hear what went down out here, but he's not like that. Chances are it's just a misunderstanding."
I sat there, looking at Jeff. I was a little embarrassed at the way I treated him. I was fairly certain about Drew, but it really wasn't fair of me to assume that Jeff would prove to be homophobic as well just because they were friends. I wanted to apologize, but I didn't know how to put it into words.
Jeff just sat there, waiting for me to respond. Finally, I said, "Mike's not gay."
"Really," he said. "Seeing the way he was taking care of you, I just sort of assumed."
"Well," I said hesitantly. "I could say the same thing about you and Nick."
I was hoping that Jeff would get the implication of my statement. Since I was fairly certain Nick was straight, I was trying to draw a parallel between Jeff's relationship with Nick and mine with Mike. I was trying to give Jeff an easy way to come out. I've always found it's much easier to tell someone I'm gay if I just don't have to blurt it out.
Unfortunately, Jeff wasn't taking my bait.
"I guess you're right," he said. "My gaydar hasn't been working well the last couple of months."
"Ha! I suck at that. I really wish I could tell but I've never been able to figure that one out."
"Why do you think that is?" Jeff asked.
"I don't know. I just assume that someone is straight unless I've given evidence to prove otherwise. Mike seems to think it's because I'm scared to get too close to another man."
I wasn't sure why I was telling Jeff all of this, but I really got the feeling he wasn't judging me. "Maybe he's right. I don't have a lot of experience when it comes to men."
"Really? You seem so sure of yourself."
"Well," I said. "It's taken me a long time to get to that point." I looked up at Jeff, trying to decide if I wanted to rehash my past. "I didn't exactly have it easy."
"Will you tell me about it?" He asked with genuine interest and concern.
"I've been through a lot of shit in my life. I can't say my life has been any harder than anyone else's, but I know that it was a struggle. Coming to terms with who I am has been a long process, but I'm at the point in my life were I can say that I'm glad I had to go through it. I am a strong person because of it."
"I can tell," Jeff said.
"I grew up in an environment where being gay simply wasn't tolerated. Every message I was getting was telling me that what I was feeling was wrong. I kind of delayed the inevitable as long as possible. I didn't figure out I was gay until I was 19. Actually, I came out to myself on the day before my nineteenth birthday. It wasn't a good birthday because back then I was convinced I was going to hell."
I shuddered, thinking back on those times. It wasn't something I wanted to relive, but I felt like Jeff needed to hear it.
"Even before I came out," I continued, "I knew something was different about me. I was in some pretty serious emotional pain growing up and I didn't know how to get help. My family never talked about feelings and we rarely ever hugged."
"I'm sorry, Alex," Jeff said. He leaned over to me and pulled me into a hug. I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. It felt so good to feel safe.
Moments later he released me. "What was that for?" I asked.
"I don't know. Just trying to make up for some of what you missed," he said. "My family is always hugging and kissing me. Sometimes I think it's a little overkill, but I shouldn't take it for granted."
"Thanks." It meant a lot to me that he would say that. I took another deep breath and continued with my story. "Once I was in high school, and later in college, I figured out that the only way to numb the pain I was in was by drinking. I ended up a functioning alcoholic. That's why your story about you and Nick got to me. I can relate to some of what you went through."
"I wondered why you changed your opinion of my so quickly," he said.
I sighed. "Unfortunately, I've used alcohol to try to fix the problem. Somehow, I made it through high school and college. It's amazing I didn't kill myself."
Jeff's jaw dropped slightly. "You didn't try to."
"No," I said. "Although there were quite a few times I seriously considered it. I guess I wasn't ready to give up." I felt a single tear stream down my face. "But somehow I made it."
"Thank God," Jeff said quietly.
"He probably had something to do with it. Although I didn't know that at the time."
"What happened?"
"Well," I said. "I met a couple of good friends in college and they started to show me that my life did have value. I quit drinking. Actually I quit a couple of times, but I've quit for good now. It will be four years in January." Jeff smiled. "Then I went to work on changing how I looked at myself. I had a lot of years of self-hatred built up and it's taken a long time to get rid of it. I still have some work to do, but I'm getting there.
Mike has helped me a lot. I owe him my life in some respects."
My mind drifted off into the past. I was thinking about the people I knew and all the times I felt so lost. It was amazing how far I'd come.
"Alex?" Jeff's voice brought me back to the present.
"Sorry," I smiled.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For opening up to me," he said. "I know that was difficult."
"It was easier than I thought it would be. It's not the whole story, but you get the idea."
"So I take it your lack of experience with men is because of all this, well, baggage?"
"You could say that," I said.
"So, do you think you're ready to start dating?"
"Honestly, the thought scares me to death." I thought about Mike and his insistence that I was ready to start pursuing a relationship. "But, yes, I think it's about time."
I saw a smile form on Jeff's lips. I tried to read his thoughts, but I couldn't figure out what was going through his mind. I just hadn't known him long enough to read him well.
Then it dawned on me. Maybe he was gay and maybe he was interested in me.
"Good," he said.
He pulled me into another hug. I let my hands rest against his back. I could feel the strong muscles and he slowly rocked me from side to side. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. As I slid one of my hands up to his shoulder, I gently pushed him away from me. I looked into his eyes as I moved my face forward to kiss him.
"Alex, no."
To be continued.
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