Do not break any laws by reading this. If you are in doubt if you are breaking a law, stop reading. That means if you are under age, stop now and visit an educational site. Any questions? If so, please read the disclaimer on the first installments. Also, remember this is fiction.
See...I promised I'd get the next installment out quickly! Thanks for all the emails. They mean more to me than you probably realize. Also, special thanks to my unofficial "editor". You know who you are. :)
When I was growing up, I had a friend go out of his way to help me. I tried to thank him but he told me the way to thank him was to "pass it along to someone else". I'm finally in a position to help someone and it's an amazing feeling. If any of you ever get the chance to do that, take it. I firmly believe that life is about helping others.
That said, enjoy the story. When we last left Alex, he was happy. But...we all know that won't last.
Take care and be good,
Thack
It was early November when I got out of rehab. I spent four days with the guys at Jeff's house. All at once it was wonderful and awkward. I was struggling to figure out exactly what had happened to me while I was away. I felt strong, both physically and emotionally, but it was still an adjustment for me. At the same time, both Drew and I were feeling each other out. Suddenly, not only were we a couple, but also we were, in effect, living together. Fortunately, we were head over heels for one another, so even the annoying things each of us did seemed endearing. Mike laughed when I told him that, saying that would end very quickly.
After leaving LA, I went back home to Minneapolis for a couple days to get everything in order. Since I would be living on the road, I set up nearly all of my bills so I could handle them online. I asked Mike to take care of the things I couldn't. I ended up hanging out with him nearly every night. By the end of the week we were a little sick of each other, but neither of us complained simply because we knew it would be a long time before it would happen again.
I dove into my new job with the guys and I found out I was really good at it. I started at a really good time, because their schedule was fairly light. They mostly traveled from their respective homes to LA or New York. Jessica was right when she said I wouldn't see Drew nearly as much as I thought. Once the novelty of having me around all the time wore off, he started spending less time with me. At first I was a little hurt, but I soon realized that when he wasn't with me, he was working. He picked up on how I was feeling and explained to me that the times I had traveled to see him in Florida and Vegas were unusual. He said that he and the guys had had to beg their management to get a day off when I was there. It was nice to hear that, even if I hardly saw him anymore.
I usually managed to get connecting rooms at whatever hotel we were at so that he and I could sleep together without causing any suspicion. It was always kind of fun to mess up the room that we didn't use so that it looked occupied. You haven't lived until you've seen a Grammy award nominated pop star jumping up and down on a bed in a five star hotel. Apparently Drew seemed to think that was the way to make it look like the bed had been slept in.
The one time Nick and Drew went home to Cincinnati to see their parents I went to Minneapolis. Drew invited me to go home with him but I didn't want to get in a weird situation. For whatever reason, Drew didn't want to come out to his family. We didn't really talk about it and I didn't push him to explain, knowing that the coming out process often defies rational explanation.
One afternoon I found myself alone with Nick. We were waiting in an airport lounge. The other guys had gone in search of frozen yogurt because Justin had a crazing. I glanced over at Nick and saw the exhaustion on his face. In the two weeks I'd been traveling with them, I saw how tough it was to live on the road.
"I think you look as tired as I feel," I said with a slight grin.
"Probably," he chuckled.
"Is it always like this?" I asked.
"Yeah. Sometimes it's worse."
I shook my head, not really comprehending how it could be any worse. It wasn't that their schedule was so packed; it was all the traveling. I had done some calculating during one long layover in Phoenix and discovered that by the end of the year, I'd have enough frequent flyer miles to send Mike on a trip to Hawaii.
"Just hang in there until next week. Then we get five days off for Thanksgiving," he commented. "You're coming home with me and Drew, right?"
"I wasn't planning on it."
"Why not? Do you have plans with Mike or something?"
"No. His family is a bit much for me to take. His grandmother doesn't exactly agree with my 'lifestyle choice' so I try to keep my distance when I know she'll be around. In the past I've always volunteered to work but that's not going to happen this year. I'll probably just crash on the couch and watch football."
"Oh," he said. "I just sort of assumed that Drew invited you."
"He did but I said no."
"Start explaining, Jackson."
"It's just too soon," I sighed.
"For what?"
"I don't know how to explain it. I guess it's all happening so fast. Drew and I went on exactly three dates and then we were this ready-made couple. Add on my health problems and then going to rehab. Am I making any sense? I just don't think I'm ready to meet your family."
"My family is going to love you," he said enthusiastically. "Besides, I was talking to Drew last night and he said he's not ready to come out to my parents. So, you're just going to be our friend when you're there. You don't have to worry about impressing them."
"That's not what I'm worried about," I said.
"Then what?"
"They're going to know I'm gay."
"Why do you say that? Are you planning on announcing it when you walk in the door?"
"Of course not," I replied, somewhat exasperated. "But you knew I was gay when you met me, right?"
"The only reason I knew you were gay was because you were staring at my chest the first day I met you."
I felt the blood rush to my face as embarrassment quickly overtook me. I thought back to that day I had met Nick in the health club in the hotel. He was right, I remember standing there and admiring his physique. Realizing I was staring at my shoes, I looked up and saw Nick grinning from ear to ear.
"I'm so sorry, Nick," I stammered.
"For what?" he questioned. "That's not the issue and you know it. Somehow I don't think you're going to meet anyone else in my family and have any form of sexual thoughts." He laughed at himself, perhaps thinking about the members of his family. "You don't have to worry about outing yourself, if that's what this is all about. Plus, it's not going to matter. My parents won't care if you're gay. They love Matt, so there's no reason why they should feel any differently about you."
"See, Nick, that's the problem. I'm not worried about me. Honestly, I'm over worrying about whether people accept me. Mostly, anyway. But, I'm concerned that I'm going to do something or say something that's going to out Drew."
"Would that be so horrible?" he quickly responded.
"Nick!"
"I know, I'm sorry. But, this is another case of my brother making a problem out of something that isn't a problem. He should have figured out by now that my parents will accept him just like I did. I've told him that time and time again. I admit I have some ulterior motives for wanting you there at Thanksgiving. I'm hoping that having you around will make Drew realize he needs to tell mom and dad."
"You can't make that decision for him," I replied sternly.
"I know, Alex. I know. But I just think he would be better off if he told them. Don't you feel better when you come out and things work out? What about when you told your mom?"
As soon as Nick's question processed in my head, I felt my blood begin to boil. I felt my jaw drop as I stared at him. If there hadn't had been so many people around us, I'm certain I would have started yelling.
"Fuck you!" I saw quietly, just under my breath.
I saw Nick's face turn white.
"What is it, Alex?"
I looked away from him. I studied subtle pattern in the carpet as I tried to figure out what to say. I was furious at Nick, until I realized something.
"You don't know."
"Know what? What did I say wrong?"
"Shit! I'm sorry Nick. I guess I didn't realize that you don't know. I tell things to Drew and sometimes I forget that the rest of you don't know." I paused and looked at Nick again. I could see the concern in his eyes. "I've seen that look before, Nick. You don't need to get all worked about this one. It's in the past. Basically, I came out to my mother and she kicked me out. I mean, I wasn't living with her or anything. But, she sort of kicked me out of the family."
"I had no idea."
"Why would you?" I replied. "Look, I'm just sorry I swore at you."
"Don't worry about that, Alex. I wish I knew, that's all. But, I can guarantee that won't happen to Drew. My family wouldn't do that."
"I believe you, Nick. But, at the same time, it's hard for me to forget what happened to me. And it's because of it that I can't force Drew to come out. That's not my call and it's not yours either, Nick. You need to give him time to figure this all out."
"Okay," he simply said.
I closed my eyes for a moment and let out all the air slowly escape from my lungs. Although he didn't mean to, Nick had taken me back to a very ugly time in my life. In all honesty, I probably hadn't processed what had happened to me. For a second, I started to wonder if all of those memories wouldn't send me back to a dangerous place. I sat there and tried to remember what I had learned in rehab.
"Are you okay?" Nick asked, breaking into my thoughts.
Before I could answer I heard familiar voices behind me. I turned to see Justin and Jeff laughing as they approached. Justin took the seat next to me and handed me a cup.
"It's chocolate, with crushed up waffle cones on it," he said as he handed it to me.
"Thanks," I said half-heartedly.
"What's up?" Jeff asked with concern. It struck me that Jeff could easily read my moods in an instant.
"I said something stupid," Nick responded.
"No you didn't," I said with a little too much force.
The group fell silent for a second. No one seemed to know what to do.
"Look," I said. "It's nothing. Where's Drew?"
"He's making a phone call," Jeff said. He looked right at Nick as he said it and the two of them exchanged a look. "He'll be in in a minute."
"I'll go find him," I offered. "We need to get to the gate."
"No! Just give him a minute," Nick quickly said.
I looked over at him and tried to figure out what was going on. Nick and Jeff were looking at me as if I had suggested that we all strip off our clothes and go streaking.
"What the hell's going on?" I asked, somewhat annoyed. "What aren't you telling me?"
"Nothing," Nick said. He paused, as if he didn't know what to say. I saw something flash across his face. "It's just that there's no reason to go look for him because he right behind you."
I turned and saw Drew walking towards us. When he saw me he smiled in that special way he has when we're around each other.
"Come on, guys," he said. "The plane is boarding."
He grabbed his carry-on bag and headed towards the gate. The others moved in the same direction but I managed to grab Jeff's arm as he passed me.
"Mind telling me what that was about?" I asked as I threw the uneaten yogurt in the trash.
"It's nothing," he said quietly. "I'll take care of it, I promise."
Scene 99
The next several weeks seemed to fly by. Despite several more attempts by Nick, I didn't go home with him and Drew for Thanksgiving. True to my word, I ended up camped out on my couch for several hours of football. I even made myself the traditional Thanksgiving lasagna. Since I was alone, I figured I'd never stand a chance at eating an entire turkey so I abandoned all traditions. I was really only in Minneapolis for a couple of days, but I did manage to see both Mike and Sharon. It was the first time I had seen Sharon since I'd been out of rehab, so it was a bit emotional for both of us.
After the holiday, it was back to work. The guys were preparing for their upcoming tour, so they were doing a lot of rehearsing. I had started to make some tentative travel plans for the tour dates, but after the cities and dates had changed four times I gave up. I spent most of my time working my contacts in the hospitality industry to let them know about my new position. The cell phone Nick had bought me was really getting a workout.
One day we were in LA so the guys could work with one of their choreographers. I usually sent them off in the morning and stayed at the hotel to get my own work done, but that day I decided to go with them. Somewhere in the back of my mind I liked the idea of being able to watch Drew get all sweaty, even if it wasn't because of me.
The choreographer was stuck in the inevitable LA traffic so the guys decided to do a little a capella voice rehearsal. I had my laptop out to study the travel budget for the tour so I wasn't really paying attention. When I heard them start to argue, I looked up to see what was happening. I was a little surprised, since they never really argued a lot about anything.
"That bridge section sounds horrible," Nick said as he held up his hand to stop everyone from continuing.
"It's Drew," Jeff said.
"No it's not!" Drew spat back.
"It's you!" Jeff responded. "You're not hitting your note and it's making it sound like shit."
"If we had a piano in here I'd prove it to you that I'm on the right note. You're the one that's throwing us all off."
Drew just stood there and glared at Jeff. I could feel the tension in the air. I knew there was more going between Jeff and Drew than some wrong notes, but I had no idea what it was. I wasn't sure if it was my place, but I knew I had to do something before the argument got worse.
"Sorry to interrupt," I said meekly, not sure how they would respond. "But Jeff's right, Drew. Your note on the downbeat just isn't quite there."
"Told you!" Jeff offered.
"You be quiet, Sugar. You're about a quartertone sharp on beat four and Drew's trying to match pitch with you. So, don't go blaming him. At least he's trying to blend."
Everyone but Drew looked at me with stunned looks, especially Jeff. He looked as if I'd sprouted a second head.
"How did you do that?" Justin asked with amusement.
"Do what?" I laughed.
"Music major, remember," Drew said.
"I don't want to step on anyone's toes here. Did any of you do the arrangement on this?"
"No," Nick said. "It was sent over from the record company. We've never done anything from this woman before."
"Well, her voice leading is a bit off. It's hard to tell without hearing what the rhythm section is doing, but she has all of you moving in parallel motion. That's the first problem. Plus, Drew has to jump an augmented fourth, which is the toughest interval. Jeff, you're trying to compensate but that's just making everyone go sharp."
"Sorry," he said.
"Don't be sorry," I laughed. "Can I offer a suggestion?"
"Go for it, Chief," Justin responded.
"Okay. Nick, instead of moving up on count one, I want you to jump to the fourth on beat four and hold it over through one. Then, you can drop to the mediant on count two. That will bring a little color on the downbeat, but it will make it sound better in the end. Jeff, you should go down a step on beat one instead of jumping the fourth. That will make it much easier for Drew to hit the tritone."
"Let's give it a shot. From the top of the bridge," Nick said as he counted out the beat.
As I stood back and listened, I hoped I had created the proper voice leading. It had been years since I'd done any arranging but it all seemed to come back to me in a heartbeat. When they got to the reworked measures, I closed my eyes so that I could listen better. The change did create some dissonance on beat one, but it sounded really good when Nick resolved it on beat two.
"That was awesome, Alex!" Justin said when they finished.
"Yeah!" Nick said enthusiastically. "If we ever record this, you'll get an arranger credit."
"That's not necessary," I laughed.
"Trust me," I heard a voice from behind me say. "In this business you take all the credit you can."
I turned around and saw a young guy standing and watching us. He was about Drew's height, but much thinner. His dirty blond hair was slicked down against his head. He was wearing an oversized sweatshirt and a pair of jeans that looked too big for him. The first thing I noticed about him, however, was the big smile. I looked at him for probably a moment too long. He was a very handsome guy.
"Hey, Zane," Nick said. "How's it going?"
"Great," he responded as he walked towards us. "That was pretty impressive. I take it you're Alex?"
"That's me," I said as I reached out and shook his hand. I wasn't exactly sure who he was, but I guessed he was the choreographer.
"So you're the one that stole half of my job?"
Scene 100
"Huh?" I said as I looked at him. My mind was racing, trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Just seconds after I had met Zane he was accusing me of stealing his job. "How did I take your job?"
"Sorry," he said, reading the confusion on my face. "That's actually a good thing. I take it you have no idea who I am."
"None whatsoever."
"Zane is our new road manager," Justin said.
"But I thought Josh Knight was the road manager," I said, thinking back to the emails I'd received from the record company and tour promoters. I had a meeting scheduled in ten days with Josh to go over all the details of the tour.
"He was," Justin replied, "until about 2 days ago. Drew, I thought you were going to tell Alex?"
"Sorry," Drew said, looking a little flushed. I could see in his eyes the reason why he didn't tell me. We had made a little pact the week prior that we would try to keep business out of our private relationship as much as possible. "With Alex on board, I've sort of stopped worrying about all those administrative details." He looked around to see if everyone was buying his tale. "Besides, the record company should have sent Alex an email about it."
"They probably did. I've been having some problems with my email server, so it's probably sitting on there waiting to download."
"It doesn't matter," Zane interrupted. "I'm just glad you're in the picture, Alex. I can't tell you how much easier my job is going to be with you taking care of the guys. That way, all I need to do is worry about everyone else."
"Good," I said. "And don't take this personally, but what happened to Josh?"
"He got promoted. He's now the Southeast Regional Coordinator for SFX," Justin explained. "It was a huge promotion for him. We hated to see him go, because he was a great road manager. But, he recommended Zane."
"And here I am," he smiled. "I'm not officially on the payroll, yet. I won't get started for another week but I heard you guys were in town so I thought I'd stop on by. I was hoping to meet you, Alex. I didn't mean to confuse you, earlier."
He smiled at me, reaching out and gently touching my shoulder. He let his hand slide down my arm. His fingers brushed my elbow and I felt a tiny surge of electricity. For a split second I forgot where I was and I found myself staring into his bright green eyes. Moments later I shook my head slightly, as if I were in some sort of cartoon. I stole a glance at Drew, who had a strange look on his face. I wasn't sure what it was, but Drew may have been jealous. I had to admit that Zane was very attractive and I'm sure Drew noticed.
"I should get going," Zane said, breaking me out of my thoughts. "I have a meeting to get to, but I just wanted to say hello."
"Okay," Nick said. "Thanks for stopping by."
"No problem," he smiled. "Alex, I'll be in touch soon. We'll set up a meeting to go over everything for the tour. It was great to meet you."
As soon as Zane left the room I turned and looked over at the guys. Both Jeff and Nick were staring at me with big grins.
"What?" I asked, feeling like I was on the spot.
"He's pretty good looking, huh?" Jeff said, nearly bursting into laughter.
"How am I supposed to answer that?" I said defensively.
"That's right!" Drew practically yelled. "I'm standing right here."
"Question withdrawn," Jeff grinned.
"So, what's the story with Zane?" I asked, trying to change the subject. "He seems pretty young to be a tour manager."
"He is a bit young," Justin said, "but he's been in the business for years now. He'll do a great job. He was with us and Josh for part of the last tour."
"He's a good guy," Nick continued. "At one point he had a recording contract with TransCon. They wanted him to do that reality show where they form the band in front of cameras."
"I thought that was a nationwide audition?" I said.
"Well, that's what it was supposed to look like. Zane, however, was assured a spot in the band if he agreed to be on camera. Ultimately he decided he didn't want to give up his private life and live on camera 24/7. That didn't sit well with his record company so they released him from his contract and he ended up working with us on the tour. He's very talented guy. You'll get along with him, Alex."
"Good," I said.
Just as I said it, a cell phone began ringing. It was pretty comical because all five of us reached for our phones. It turns out that Drew was the winner with the call. Glancing down at the phone and reading the caller ID, he turned towards Nick and Jeff.
"I have to take this," he said.
Without warning, Jeff reached out and grabbed Drew's phone, which was still ringing. He read the screen and gave Drew a viscous look.
"Not now," he said with a touch of venom in his voice.
As Drew reached out for his phone, Jeff moved it just out of reach. Drew shook his head and pushed Jeff slightly. Jeff didn't seem to expect that, because he let the phone slip from his hand. With a dull thud, it hit the hard wood floor but continued ringing. Before Jeff could move, Drew scooped up the phone and started walking towards the door.
"Hey, sorry about that," was all I heard as he left the room.
I was totally confused as to what had just happened. Earlier that day, Jeff and Drew had been fighting about the arrangement they were singing. At the time, I had guessed that the argument was about something else. Now, I was certain there was something going on between the two of them.
"Mind telling me what that was about?" I asked Jeff.
"It's nothing," he said quietly. "I promise."
I sighed, knowing that it probably was a bad idea to get between the two of them. As long as they weren't at each other's throats constantly, it was best to let them iron things out on their own. If either of them needed me, I was certain he would talk to me.
"Fine," I said. "I'm not going to get involved."
No one said a word, but I did see Jeff and Nick exchange a glance. Something was up and they were trying to hide it from me. I prayed it wasn't something important but my heart knew better. This was only the beginning of the latest chapter in my life.
Scene 101
"Alex? Is that you?"
"Yes," I laughed. "It's really me."
In retrospect, it was a strange place to make the call, but Jessica had been on my mind for some time and I finally decided I needed to call. I was sitting on the third floor of the Mall of America outside of Macys. I was flying from Chicago to Los Angeles and I had scheduled a five-hour layover in Minneapolis since the Mall is only five minutes from the airport. It was six days before Christmas and I was beginning to panic because I hadn't even started my shopping. Since the guys were on a short promotional tour of important radio stations and I was flying solo it was the perfect opportunity to do a little power shopping.
"Where are you?" she asked.
"I'm on my way to LA. And you?"
"I'm at home, actually. I'm officially on vacation until the 27th." She paused. "Wow! I haven't talked to you since." Her voice trailed off.
"You can say it, you know."
"Well," she said quietly. "Since you got out of rehab. Listen, I'm sorry I haven't called you."
"It's okay," I said, trying to sound confident. "I know how much you travel. I understand that now more than you know."
"That's no excuse and we both know it," she said in a shaky voice. "After everything you went through, I have no excuses, Alex. I'm sorry. I feel terrible about it."
"It's okay, Jess. I could have called you, too."
"Don't try to dismiss it that easily. I should be supporting you. That's how it works. I just didn't know how to deal with the situation. I still don't, if you want me to be perfectly honest. I just feel like it was all my fault."
"Why do you think that?" I asked incredulously.
"Because it happened when you were with me."
"Look, Jess. I'd be the first person to say that you can't just forget about how you feel about something. After all, I tried to forget about what happened between Aaron and me and clearly it didn't work. That said, none of this was your fault. It would have happened sooner or later. Actually, I'm glad it happened with you there."
"You are?" said asked.
"Yeah. It could have happened when I was alone. It all worked out the way it should have. So, let's just try to move on."
"I still feel bad about not calling," she confessed.
"It's okay, Jess. I'm okay."
There was an uncomfortable silence. Although I didn't want to tell her, I was a little disappointed that Jess hadn't tried to call me. I never mentioned my feelings to anyone, but everyone probably knew how I felt. Nick had been going out of his way to tell me how busy Jess had been in the weeks since I'd gotten out of rehab.
"That's not why I'm calling," I said finally. "I need some advice."
"About what?"
"Drew."
"What's wrong, Alex?" said quickly asked.
"Nothing," I laughed. "I just have no idea what to get him for Christmas. I was hoping you would have some ideas for me."
"I don't Alex. You're practically living with him. Isn't there anything you've seen that he needs?"
"That's just the problem," I said, somewhat exasperated. "When you're dating someone that pulls in more money than a typical Fortune 500 each year it's not like you can splurge and buy something nice. He already has everything he needs. Plus, he has everything he wants, too. What do get for Nick? You're in the same boat."
"I know what you mean. I'm still not sure what I'm getting Nick. As for Sprout, I'm not sure. You could always get him a baseball cap."
"That's original," I said with a touch of sarcasm.
"Maybe not, but you know he'd wear it. You could get one from your college. It's something he wouldn't have."
"True. Plus the Alumni Association would love me if I could get him to wear it when he was onstage or something."
"Trying to become a trustee?"
"No," I laughed. "Just a pleasant side effect." I paused, not sure I should bring it up. "Jess, what do you think about a ring?"
"An engagement ring?" Jess practically screamed.
"No! I should have figured that's the first thing that would pop into your mind. You know we can't do that. It's not exactly legal."
"Don't give me that, Alex. You know the two of you could have a ceremony."
"Well, I'm not ready for that, Jess. I was just thinking about something he could wear that would make him remember me when we're apart. That's all. Maybe it's a dumb idea."
"It's not, Alex. I think Drew would love it."
"We'll see," I sighed. "Listen, I'll let you go."
"Okay, Alex. I'm sorry that I didn't call you."
"Please, Jess. No more of that."
"Sorry. When am I going to see you? Are you going home with Drew for Christmas?"
"I am. I'm kind of nervous about it?"
"Why?"
"That's a whole other conversation," I said, thinking back to my talk with Nick about Thanksgiving.
"Well, then I'll see you on the 26th. I'm going to Ohio to be with Nick."
"Great! I'll see you then. Bye, Jess."
"Take care, Alex."
I set off to scour the Mall, determined to find the perfect gift for Drew.
The days leading up to Christmas passed quickly. It had been almost two weeks since Drew and I had been in the same zip code. He was preparing for the tour and I was arranging travel plans. As embarrassing as it sounds, we both had become experts at phone sex. Even if we couldn't be together, the sound of his voice still managed to raise my blood pressure. Well, that and a "blow by blow" description of what he'd do to me.
I was scheduled to fly to Cincinnati on Christmas Eve. Although I was excited to see him again, I was nervous at the same time. I truly wanted to spend my first Christmas with him, but I was also terrified that something bad was going to happen.
"Why do you think that?"
I looked over at Mike, who was standing at the squat rack next to mine. This was one of the first times I'd been at the gym with him when he wasn't training me. When I took the job with the guys, he and I decided that whenever I was back in town, we would try to get together to workout. Mike wasn't my trainer any longer; he was my workout partner. It changed the dynamic of your friendship for the better. Knowing Mike, I'm sure he always thought of me as an equal, but now I really felt like one.
"Why do I think what?" I asked, trying to avoid the question.
"Don't be so evasive, Alex. You know I hate that," he said, sounding a bit annoyed. "You know exactly what I'm asking you. Why do you think something bad is going to happen if you are with Drew at Christmas?"
"Because I might out him to his family."
"Why?"
"Because they'll know that I'm gay," I said.
"Why? Are you planning on announcing it when you walk through the door?"
"Have you been talking to Nick?" I laughed.
"No. Why?"
"Nothing. That's exactly what he said to me."
"Well, we're both right," he grinned. "And as long as you don't march in there waving a rainbow flag, I think you're safe. Besides, you never worried about that kind of thing before. Do you really care if they know you're gay?"
"No. But won't it look funny if I show up with Drew at his house at Christmas? Doesn't that seem a little too personal for their new travel coordinator? Drew isn't ready to come out to his family and the last thing I'd want to do is to make anyone wonder about it just because I'm there."
"First, you're more than their travel guy. I'm sure his entire family knows about what happened here when you and Nick were in the hospital. They know you're friends with all the guys. And second, you will be there with Drew and Nick. Who is to say they won't assume you're with Nick?"
"Hello?" I cried out, sounding a bit too effeminate for my own taste. "I know you haven't met her, but Nick has Jessica. We're definitely in breeder territory there."
"And Drew was with what's-her-name?" he countered.
"Lea."
"Precisely. I know you're concerned about outing Drew. That's a given, Alex. But, there's more going on here than you're letting on. What gives?"
Before I could answer I saw him. He was standing about 40 feet away, laughing with one of the trainers who I didn't know. It was the first time I'd seem him since that morning.
"Alex?" Mike said quietly.
"Sorry," I replied, snapping myself back to the present. "It's the first time I've seen him."
"Aaron?"
"Yeah," I replied, still a bit distracted. Even though I didn't want to think it, I had to admit that he looked good. His skin was darker than it had been, which meant he either took a trip or was using the tanning beds at the gym. It looked good on him.
"This isn't about him, is it?"
"What?" I laughed. "God, no." I shook my head, actually surprised that I hadn't really thought about Aaron for a couple of weeks. "No, this is just about me and my usual insecurities. Let's just forget about it. It's time for some squats."
Mike and I finished up our workout but I was still distracted. I couldn't tell if it was everything on my mind with Drew or if it was because Aaron was there. When we finished with the weights, Mike said he wanted to do some cardio. Rather than join him, I decided it was time to take care of something.
"Hey, Aaron," I said as I approached the fitness desk.
"Alex! I thought I saw you. How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages."
"Well," I said, "I don't really live here anymore."
"Yeah. Mike told me that, although he was pretty secretive about where you were."
"Don't be mad at him," I said. "He's just trying to protect me. It's not really a big secret."
"I wasn't mad." He looked at me, trying to size me up. "You don't have to tell me."
"I want to. I was in rehab."
"Good for you," he said with enthusiasm.
"It was," I smiled, thankful that Aaron seemed to understand. "I was going through some rough times, as you know, and it was something I needed. I feel a lot more confident now."
"I can tell."
"What?"
"I can see it in you," he said. "It's in the way you carry yourself."
"I never thought about that."
"It's true. Ask Mike. I'm sure he'd agree with me."
"Well, Aaron. There's something I need to say to you."
"What's that," he asked.
I looked at him and took a deep breath. For a split second I was back in the clinic, trying to remember everything I had learned. One part of AA is about trying to make amends to people you have hurt. At that point in my life, I was struggling with doing that.
"I just need to say that I'm sorry about what happened between us."
"You don't need to be sorry."
"Maybe not, but I put you in a difficult situation and."
"Are you talking about the kiss?" he interrupted.
"Yeah."
"Don't take this the wrong way, Alex, but, I think that was more your problem than mine."
His words surprised me, although I knew what he meant. He had been honest with me by telling me that it was just a kiss to him.
"Maybe," I said, feeling a bit wounded. "But it still was wrong."
"With everything going on with you at time, I think you were entitled. I'm okay with it, for the record."
"Thanks," I said, feeling as if amends had been made.
"You and Drew?"
"We're still together," I smiled. "We've had some problems, but I think it's going really good right now. I'm working for the guys, so I get to see him more often now. That helps."
"Good. You deserve that," he smiled.
"And you?" I queried. "Have you found Mr. Right yet?"
"No," he laughed. "But I'm having a damn good time searching."
We both burst into laughter. Before I could come up with a witty retort a sweaty Mike appeared.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"Nothing," Aaron and I said in unison. I grinned and shook my head, happy that Aaron and I could be friends.
After saying goodbye to everyone at the gym, I headed back to my condo. Mike had offered me a ride back home, but I declined, wanting to walk through the neighborhood that I had called my own for so long. After about a block and half, I regretted my decision. It had been snowing most of the day and I noticed the snow was falling much harder now. Once I got home, I settled in for the night, preparing for my trip to see Drew and Nick the next morning.
Scene 102
"Damn!"
I stared at the clock, realizing I had overslept. My body instantly went into overdrive. I could feel the adrenaline start to flow as my mind tried to process what was going on. The clock radio had been blaring for a good 45 minutes and it didn't wake me. I was used to Drew waking me up every morning. Although he was a heavy sleeper, he always seemed to be able to wake up on time in the morning, probably due to his neurotic compulsion with being on time. Whenever I slept with him, I never bothered with an alarm and on those rare occasions when I was alone I relied on hotel wakeup calls. I hated being woken up by a phone, but it always did the trick. That morning at home, I didn't have that luxury.
"Damn!" I repeated again, launching myself out of bed.
Doing some quick calculations in my head, I realized I'd never have time to grab a shower if I wanted any chance of making my flight on time. Fortunately, I had packed my bag the night before. I threw on some clothes and raced into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Glancing in the mirror, I let out a little cry. I grabbed a cap that Drew had left at my place, knowing he wouldn't mind me wearing it. I hated hats but I didn't have much option at the time unless I wanted to travel all day looking like I had overslept and didn't have time for a shower.
I snatched my bag and practically ran down the hall to the elevator. I stood impatiently, pressing the down button over and over as if that would magically make the elevator appear sooner. I finally made it to my Jeep and tore out of the underground parking ramp in my building. Since I was only going to be away for three nights, I'd decided to park my vehicle at the airport. It was still snowing and I could see the huge snowdrifts on the sidewalks caused by the snowplows. I only made it about two blocks from home when I realized I was in serious trouble. As I was trying to turn right onto Second Avenue, I hit a patch of ice on the road. The Jeep began to skid and I stupidly turned the wheel in the wrong direction, causing me to slide out of control. Fortunately, I wasn't going too fast, but I still couldn't stop.
"Damn!" I said for the third time that morning.
I found myself firmly planted in a snow bank. I shifted the car in reverse, but I was unable to move. I could hear my back wheels spinning, unable to make contact with anything but ice. I reluctantly climbed out of the Jeep, involuntarily shivering as the brisk wind blasted me in the face. I walked around the back of the vehicle, thinking that I might be able to find a way to get some traction on the back tires. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw it.
"Shit!"
The right front tire was flat. Sticking out the side of the tire was a jagged piece of metal. I wasn't sure what it was, but I guess it didn't matter. I sighed, realizing there was no way I'd ever make it to the airport in time to make my flight. I went back around and climbed in the car to call for a tow truck. Just as I picked my cell phone, it began to ring.
"Shit!" I exclaimed as I nearly dropped it. "Hello?"
"I just heard."
"Drew?"
"It sucks," he said in a dejected voice.
"Have you been calling the Psychic Friends Network again?" I asked, trying to make myself feel better by joking. "How could you know? It just happened."
"They said the airport's been closed since late last night. What are you talking about?"
"You're kidding me, right? I just careened off the road into a snow bank for nothing?"
"What?" Drew practically shouted. "Are you okay?"
"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Just a flat tire. I was going all of five miles an hour."
"What are you doing out?" he asked, sounding annoyed that I didn't know about the airport being closed.
"I overslept and I didn't think to check on my flight," I confessed.
"It's been snowing up there for a day and a half and you didn't bother to call the airline first?"
Drew's tone of voice was starting to get to me. Although he probably didn't mean it, he was coming off sounding as if he had never made a mistake I his life.
"Drew," I said, trying to remain calm. "This is Minnesota. The world does not stop up here for a little bit of snow."
"You've had 19 inches!"
"Who are you now, Ken Barlow?" I said as sarcastically as possible, making a reference to our local weatherman, knowing that would irritate him.
"Ken who?"
"Never mind," I said as I tried to figure out if I was annoyed at him or if I was annoyed at myself for not checking the weather before I left that morning. "I need to call for a tow truck. I'll talk to you later."
Without waiting for him to say goodbye I hung up. I was irritated because I let him get to me. We had known each other long enough to know exactly what to say to irritate each other. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or bad thing. In fact, I still don't know.
Whenever a winter storm hits, it's a veritable bonanza for tow truck operators. The soonest anyone could get me unstuck was about two hours later. Since I was only two blocks from home, I debated about leaving the Jeep and waiting at my condo. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that abandoning my car was probably illegal and the way that day was going, I'd certainly get some outrageous ticket. Besides, I was only wearing slacks and a pair of dress shoes and I'd certainly catch hypothermia trudging through the four feet of snow that invariably cover the sidewalks before they are cleared.
I cranked up the heat and reached over to find a CD to play. Even though we just had a minor fight, something made me grab a 98 Degrees disc. I sat there, staring out the window at the snow falling and listening to Drew. I'd been around the guys enough as they were rehearsing so that I could pick Drew's part out on each song. After listening to two songs, I turned down the volume and picked up my cell phone.
"Hey," I said as I got his voicemail, guessing that he saw I was calling on his caller ID and deciding not to pick up. "Sorry about that little argument. I'm just angry with myself for getting in this accident. I'll call you later when I know more about when I can fly out. I love you."
Without thinking I reached into my carry-on bag and grabbed the small box that was supposed to be Drew's Christmas present. I absentmindedly fingered the velvet covering. I opened the box and took it out.
"Am I doing the right thing?" I thought. "Maybe all of this is a sign. Maybe God's telling me this isn't the right time."
I sighed. As carefully as I could, I put the ring back in the box and snapped it shut. Not knowing what else to do, I closed my eyes and waited.
Scene 103
"Why aren't you here?"
"Didn't Drew explain?" I asked.
"He did. But I want to here it from you."
I sighed and looked out the window at the light snow that continued to fall. After the argument I'd just had with Drew, I expected someone to call but I didn't think it would be Jess. I'd honestly forgotten that she told me she was going to see Nick right after Christmas. It was December 26 and I was still in Minneapolis. By that point, I'd abandoned any hope of making it to see Drew and Nick for Christmas.
"Is he totally pissed at me?" I asked her.
"Not really. He knows it's not your fault," she said. After a pause she added, "It's not your fault. Is it, Alex?"
Deciding to evade her question, I launched into my tale. After getting my Jeep unstuck on Christmas Eve morning, I eventually made my way to the airport. The airline had cancelled hundreds of flights due to the weather, but I decided to take my chances and try to get a flight out. That plan didn't pan out and after spending 13 hours at the airport, I finally gave up at 11pm and went home. I tried again on Christmas Day, although all the flights to Cincinnati were booked solid. After sweet-talking a gate agent, I finally got a seat on a flight leaving about 6pm.
"Drew said they cancelled that flight," Jess noted.
"They did," I explained. "We were on the plane, ready to take off and they announced that the Cincinnati airport had closed. The storm that hit here had made its way there. We sat on the tarmac for two and half hours before they finally returned to the gate."
I shuddered a bit, thinking about how uncomfortable I was crammed in the middle seat in coach between a chatty retired schoolteacher and a teenage girl who had Metallica blasting through her headphones.
"So why aren't you here today?" she asked in an accusatory tone.
"All the flights were booked, Jess," I pleaded, hoping she'd stop her line of questioning.
"They were all booked yesterday and you managed to get on a flight."
"Look," I said, getting annoyed. "Drew and Nick are planning on flying out tomorrow morning. Plus, in the past three days I've spent 23 hours in the Minneapolis airport. I can't do it any more. I'm not one on signs or anything like that, but it seems as though God doesn't want me to go to Cincinnati right now."
"Or is it you that doesn't want to be here?" she asked. "What are you not telling me, Alex?"
"Am I that transparent?" I asked, finally giving in.
"There's something more going on here. I don't want to scare you, but the last time you were hiding something from Drew you ended up in rehab. I don't want that to happen to you again, Alex. By now, both of you should realize what secrets can do to a relationship."
I was surprised by Jessica's words. The one conversation we'd had about what happened to me was very forced. She didn't even want to say the word "rehab". Right then I was a little conflicted. I knew what was going on wasn't going to send me back to rehab. But, at the time, I was a little hurt that Jess thought I wasn't strong enough to deal with the insecurities I was facing.
"For the record," I said quietly, "this isn't going to send me back there."
"I'm sorry," she said.
"It's okay. No one really knows how to deal with it. And no one knows how much I can handle. I don't even know. But I can tell you, this isn't that major. I just don't know if I'm ready to deal with Drew right now."
"I don't understand," she confessed.
"Are you alone?"
"Yeah."
"You won't tell this to Drew? Or Nick?"
"Of course not, Alex. You know that."
"I know. I just don't know if I can meet his family right now."
"Why not? They're great."
"I'm sure they are. But, I'm afraid I'm going to out Drew. I couldn't live with myself if I did that."
"Both of his parents are going to support him. I can promise you that, Alex. And they will support you, too, once they know."
"Still." I said.
"What else?"
I paused, not sure whether I wanted to tell Jess the real reason why I didn't want to see Drew. It was true that I was concerned about outing him to his parents, but that was just an excuse I'd been using. So far, I'd tried to use it with Mike and now Jess and they both saw through it. The real reason was the small velvet box sitting on my coffee table.
"Now, don't go getting all 'straight-girl' excited on me because it doesn't mean the same thing coming from me as it does coming from Nick."
"You got the ring!" she squealed with glee.
"Oh! Remind me to warn Nicky. I know what's on your mind," I joked.
"Don't you dare Alexander Jackson!"
"I'm only kidding," I said in an exasperated tone. "But it really isn't the same between me and Drew. I just wanted to get him something special so that he'll remember me."
"So why don't you want to give it to him?" she asked.
"It seemed like the right thing when I bought it," I responded. "But, right now I'm not so sure. Lately we've been fighting more often. Not major fights, but it's still fighting. He seems kind of distant, that's all."
"Well, if he knew exactly how you felt about him I'm sure it would help. He still loves you, you know."
"Still?" I asked, not really sure why she used the word.
"Look," she said, evading my question. "Nick just came in. You should talk to him. I'll see you soon."
"Okay, Jess. Merry Christmas."
Knowing the guys like I did, I was fairly certain that Nick had just been listening to Drew complain about me. I didn't really mind that, simply because it meant that Drew was letting Nick into his life more. Plus, I was confident that Nick never took everything his brother said to him at face value. Drew, after all, was known for exaggerating a bit to prove his points.
Nick and I spoke briefly about why I wasn't going to make it to visit. He seemed to buy my justification that by the time I found a flight and made it to Cincinnati, it would be almost 8pm. And since he and Drew were flying out to New York the following morning, it didn't make much sense. We also discussed that I would meet them in New York on December 30th. They were scheduled to perform on MTV on the New Year's Eve show.
After hanging up with Nick, I sat back and let my mind wander. I took out the ring and put it on my finger. It was too big for me, but I absentmindedly played with it, running my fingers over the polished gold and the simple design. I had been fooling myself thinking that it meant anything different than what Jess had thought. It wasn't an engagement ring, but I did want Drew to know that I was planning on being with him for the rest of my life. The thought scared me, plain and simple, and that's why I couldn't go to see him. I was terrified that I would get hurt. I had a strange feeling that something was going on that I didn't know about. I tried to ignore it, but part of me knew it was only a matter of time before everything changed.
Scene 104
It was my first time in New York, so I wasn't sure if it was the city or because it was the holidays, but there was an excitement in the air. I'd traveled quite a bit but New York was still a bit intimidating. Something about all the people rushing and the traffic flying by put me on edge. Then again, it may have been the fact that I was nervous to see Drew.
I got to the hotel and was disappointed when I got to the room. It was a very nice room with a view of Times Square, but it didn't have a connecting door. That meant that Drew and I would have to sneak around to be together. There really was nothing I could do about it, simply because MTV had set up all the travel arrangements. Since I wasn't important as far as MTV was concerned, I was fairly confident that the guys were in some sort of suite on a different floor. Not sure of where they might be, I sat down on the bed and pulled out my cell phone.
"Hey, honey," I said when I heard the hello.
"Sorry," I heard back. "Honey's not here. Would you like to leave a message for him?"
"Justin?"
"Yeah," he laughed. "What's going on, Chief?"
"Chief? Is that my official nickname now? You said 'Chief' was only temporary."
"I know. I'm still working on it. Give me some more time."
"Okay," I laughed. "Where are you guys?"
"At the hotel. Drew's over talking to Jeff right now. He should be right back. Where are you?"
"Somewhere in the same building. That is, assuming you're at the Marriott, too. I hate that I couldn't handle your travel plans on this trip."
"We're here. Why don't you come on up. I won't tell anyone you're here. It can be a little Christmas surprise."
I agreed and took down the room number. I dashed in the bathroom to make sure I was presentable. I wasn't worried about the guys seeing me all disheveled, but I was uncertain as to if I would be going anywhere with them. Once I determined I looked decent, I grabbed my phone and laptop and headed off to find my boys.
"Merry Christmas, Chief," Justin said as he opened the door.
"Hey, Justin," I said as I walked in. "Merry Christmas to you. How's the family?"
"They're good. I really didn't want to leave them, but ya gotta make a living. Right?"
"I suppose," I laughed. "So, where's my better half?"
"A little anxious to see him?"
"Yeah," I said a little too quickly. I'm sure Justin had no idea how nervous I was to finally see Drew. I thought back to the ring, which I'd begun to carry around with me in my pocket. Even though I had it with me, I hadn't decided if I was going to give it to him or not.
Before Justin could say anything, I saw Nick enter the room. I guessed he was coming in from one of the bedrooms in the suite. He was stretching and yawning, clearly just waking up from a nap.
"You think we woke up Sleeping Beauty?" I joked to Justin.
"Alex! Where'd you come from?" Nick asked as he looked over at me.
"Minneapolis," I said with a straight face.
"Cute," he responded with sarcasm.
"Thank you very much," I grinned, "but I've already bagged a Lachey. I'm really not interested in another one."
"Very funny," he said, clearly not amused at my attempts at humor.
"Definitely not Sleeping Beauty. You're more like Grumpy today."
"Sorry," he frowned. "It's been a long week."
"Don't worry about it. You're practically family so I should get used to seeing you all morose like this."
"Practically family?" Justin said, shooting a glance over at Nick. "Is there something we don't know?"
I froze, not sure how to answer. Over the last several days I'd been thinking hard about my future with Drew, so it was on my mind. Although I wasn't sure about the ring, I was sure that Drew was the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It had only been a couple of months since I'd met him, but I knew.
"Just an expression," I lied. "I do practically live with all of you."
"True, I guess," Nick said.
The three of us sat down and caught up. They both told me about Christmas with their families. Nick was beaming when he talked about Jess coming to visit. After that, we got down to business. I pulled out my laptop so that we cold look over the schedule for the upcoming tour.
"I'm confused about next week," I said. "I got an email saying you guys needed to be in LA for four days, but it didn't say why. Aren't you done with most of the tour preparations?"
"That's for a video shoot," Nick said.
"Really?"
"It's for 'My Everything'," Justin added, mentioning one of the ballads on the album.
"You want me to book the usual hotel?"
"No. We're actually shooting somewhere on the outskirts of LA. What was the name of the place, Nick?"
"La Verne," he said.
When I heard him I took in a quick breath and felt my jaw tighten.
"What's wrong?" Nick asked, looking at me funny.
"Nothing," I said, trying to sound calm. "That's just about five minutes from where I grew up."
"Oh," Nick said. "Sorry."
"What are you sorry about?" Justin asked.
"Just drop it, Justin," he said quietly.
"It's okay, Nick. It's better if everyone knows."
"Knows what?"
"That my mother basically disowned me when I told her I was gay."
"And she still lives there?" Justin asked.
"I don't even know. But, it's nothing to worry about. It's not like she can get onto a closed set for a video and find me. Don't worry about it. I obviously know the area so I'll get you guys in a decent hotel."
I looked over at Nick and Justin, who both had concern in their faces. I tried to smile and let them know I was okay. But, the thought of possibly running into someone I knew back home gave me a chill. For a split second I thought about what I would say if I ran into my mother. After all the hateful things she said to me, I couldn't imagine what would come out of my mouth.
I stood up and tried to collect my thoughts. I excused myself to go use the bathroom, really just wanting to be alone. As I crossed the room I heard voices just outside the door to the hallway. They grew louder until I realized someone was yelling. Seconds later, the door opened and both Drew and Jeff walked in.
"Damn it, Drew," Jeff yelled. "Don't do this to Alex! You have to tell him what's going on. He deserves."
His voice trailed off when he saw me. No one moved and no one spoke. Drew was standing about five feet from me. He was staring at me with a dazed look on his face. Moments later, a cell phone began ringing. After three rings I realized it was mine. I'm not sure why, but I answered it.
"Hello?"
"Alex? This is Lea. We need to talk."
To be continued.
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