What Are the Odds

Oh my. Yes, indeed, it IS chapter four. Do I get a cookie?

Okay. While some of the story is based on my experiences and experiences of people I know, it is, for the most part, fictional.

If you feel the urge to email me, which I sincerely hope you do, my email is: Smpthy4TheDevil@yahoo.com

If you're not 18 or older, then technically, you shouldn't read this story. I really don't care one way or the other, but if you get in trouble it isn't my fault, because I told you to shoo.

And so....

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the disclaimer. That's right, the disclaimer. Since this is an adult-oriented story, the American apple pie institution known as parental discretion will not be able to cleanse any sense of innuendo or sarcasm from the words that might actually make you think.

So protect your family. This story contains explicit depictions of things which are real. These real things are commonly known as life. So, if it sounds sarcastic, don't take it seriously. If it sounds dangerous, do not try this at home -- or at all. And if it offends you, just don't read it.

Damn hippie.

What Are The Odds? Chapter 4

Author's Note Woohoo. Those of you who've been emailing me, you rule. It really makes my entire day when I get a nice email. :-D I love to write, so it makes me really happy when someone tells me I'm good at it. Mwah!

I woke up around four the next afternoon, with a splitting headache and a vague sense that I was going to die. I sat up in bed, fighting a wave of nausea, and closed my eyes tightly. Why was it so fucking bright in here? Stupid sun.

Where the hell was Adam, anyway? Maybe he'd gone to the bathroom. I'd have to go look for him and make sure he didn't disturb Gracie -- or rather that he didn't get disturbed by her.

I slowly dragged myself up the stairs, which seemed to stretch on forever. I managed to get to the living room and lay down on the couch. Though about five minutes earlier I was certain I was going to die, now I was terrified I wouldn't. I felt a presence above me, and opened my eyes, squinting, to find my sister, looking as bad as I felt.

"Do you think I'll die before school tomorrow?" she croaked.

"You can't unless I get to," I croaked back.

"Ugh." Violet laid down on top of me abruptly. We were always more touchy than other siblings. It was how we grew up. We shared bed 'til we were seven, and a room 'til we were thirteen, so we're really close -- sometimes too close. She always knew what I was thinking, which wasn't always a good thing.

"Your boytoy left an hour and a half ago," she muttered into my ear. Even the quiet voice rang loudly in my head.

I was hurt. Why hadn't Adam woken me up to say goodbye? He told me he wanted to spend time with me this morning. What the fuck?

Then I got angry. What the fuck was this? Was he just fucking with me last night? Did he use me to get his rocks off?

Then I panicked. What if he was just really drunk? What if he got up this morning beside me in bed and freaked out? What if he hated me now? What if he didn't even remember?

Then I turned depressed. Damn. I wondered if I had really fucked up last night. Maybe Adam was just experimenting last night, and maybe he decided he didn't like guys. Or maybe he just didn't like me.

Fuck.

Gracie wandered into the living room. Her pants jingled; apparently they had bells sewn on them. Oh my. She sat cross-legged in front of me, on the floor.

"Good morning," she said with a serene smile.

"Not really," I grunted back; it was hard to talk with a big girl laying across me. "I feel like I slept with my head packed in ice."

Gracie gave me a knowing look, and held out her closed fist to me. "Here," she said. "Take these. They'll cleanse your spirit and help your mood." Gracie has this really spaced-out voice, the kind you expect from a stoned hippie. Which she was, pretty much.

"I don't need my spirit cleansed," I grumbled, wondering what the hell that meant, anyway. "I need morphine."

Gracie took my hand placed the herbal pills in my palm. They smelled like a health food store, kind of overwhelming and sour and earthy, like a stale spice rack.

"You'll feel better once you take them," she advised, then stood and walked away, pants jingling.

Violet turned her face to me and opened her mouth wide. I popped two of the four pills in her mouth, and she swallowed them dry, then laid her back on my chest, presumably to sleep. I took the other two myself, and tried to sleep.

I woke up an hour later, Violet snoring lightly against my shirt. Amazingly, my hangover was almost gone. I had a slight headache; nothing a few Tylenol couldn't help. I reminded myself to thank Gracie later.

I woke Violet up, and upon realizing her hangover was mostly diminished, she hopped up and continued bouncing around the house like normal.

I sat up, reluctantly acknowledging that if I slept any more I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, and would therefore completely mess up my schedule.

Then Adam popped up in my mind again. Damn. That both irritated and depressed me.

I got up and wandered the house, doing nothing in particular, until my growling stomach reminded me I hadn't eaten in... Jesus, I didn't even know how long it'd been. I didn't eat the day of the party, because I wanted to get really drunk really quick... did I eat the day before? I didn't think so.

I frowned. Damn. You can forget your keys, you can forget your best friend's middle name.... but you have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

I fished through the refrigerator, grumbling at all the vegetables and glaring at the tofu. After a while, I ended up downing half a carton of orange juice and eating a big piece of non-dairy cheese. I don't trust cheese that doesn't need to be refrigerated.

I remember being a little kid, waiting in line at the church to get our free food. They gave us government cheese. I don't trust it. It's not even real cheese. It's cheez, with a Z. Cheez in a box. Ugh.

I have horrible eating habits. I forget to eat sometimes, and when I remember, all I eat is junkfood, which was really unfortunate in this household full of healthy crap. Does anyone really like lactose-free fat-free no-sugar-added ice cream?

My day was unduly boring. I watched TV, smoked a whole bunch of cigarettes, and tried to make instant pancakes. Toward the end of the day, I was getting desperate. I counted and sorted my socks, dissected some Triscuit crackers and played "What's The Thing In Foil In The Back Of The Fridge, And Can I Eat It."

Isn't it funny how when you eat or smell something disgusting, you turn to the nearest person and say, "Ew, this is really nasty. Here, you try it."

Violet didn't think it was so funny.

Anyway, the whole day, I was hoping, in the back of my mind, that Adam would call to apologize or something. Nope. Didn't happen. I had too much pride to call him, so I was shit out of luck.

It took me hours to fall asleep. Thinking of Adam, my emotions turned from anxious, to upset, to depressed, to pissed off, and started all over again. I finally fell asleep around three thirty, and woke up about five times during the middle of the night for no real reason. It was pretty normal for me.

I hardly even noticed the next morning when I woke up and got ready for school. I didn't really wake up until I found myself in first period, with that old wench glaring at me. I hardly even noticed that I'd finished first and second period until they were done. It was break time.

I looked around for Adam by the tree where we normally hung out during break and lunch, but he wasn't there. I got worried, then I got pissed. Then anxious, then upset, and angry again. I was confusing myself. One minute I was furious at Adam for not showing up, then I was worried maybe something happened to him, then I was upset, thinking how I'd probably fucked up our friendship, then I'd go back to square one.

Third period seemed to take forever, as I waited for biology to hurry up and get its ass over here. When it finally did, I saw Adam already sitting in his desk. I frowned. Normally we stood outside the classroom and talked until the bell rang.

I said hi to him, and he gave me sort of a nod of recognition and a weak smile.

I sat in the back of the classroom going in my never-ending circle of emotions. I stared at him all period, looking for some sign of what he was feeling. He was just quiet and still the whole time.

The lunch bell rang, and Adam immediately sped out of the classroom. Before, he always waited for me at the door. This time I was just pissed. I ran to catch up with him halfway down the hall.

"Hey!" I barked, none too friendly. "What's up, man? Where were you at break?"

"I had to stay and talk to my math teacher about the homework," he said with a bleak smile. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's being lied to.

"You can't bullshit a bullshitter," I said darkly. "If you don't want to tell me, fine. If you get the urge to not be an asshole, I'll be with my sister."

Before he had a chance to answer, I turned and went the other direction. I caught my sister as she was coming toward me and turned her the other way. Violet drifts around to different groups of people during our breaks, and she joined Adam and I at lunchtime sometimes, but this time she was going to have to spend it with me alone.

"What's wrong?" she asked as I pulled her by the hand toward the other exit of the building. "Did your boytoy do something?"

Damn. I didn't want to talk about it, but like I said, Violet always knows what I'm thinking. It's no use lying to her.

"He's avoiding me," I said angrily. My jaw was clenched, and I tried to loosen it but it wouldn't work.

She frowned. "What went on Saturday? Did you guys do anything besides what I saw?"

"We just made out and fooled around a little bit," I said. "He was fine with it. Shit, you saw how 'fine with it' he was. He even slept in my fucking bed!"

Violet frowned even harder, her eyebrows knit together. "I don't know what to say, Reevie. He's a confusing guy. Maybe he's confused, too."

"He didn't seem confused Saturday night," I muttered. "His dick sure wasn't confused."

"Well, if he's confused, sooner or later he'll realize that your dick doesn't lie." She shrugged. "Or maybe he's just an asshole."

Right then, I resolved to find out what the hell was going on -- TODAY. There would be no patience, no waiting for him to 'come around.' I wasn't going to take any shit. I told my sister not to bother waiting for me after school.

I sat through my last two classes trying to figure out how I'd get any info out of Adam. I tried several different methods out in my head, and none of them seemed like a very good idea. I'd just have to wing it.

After school, my eyes scanned the crowd in front of the school for Adam. He shouldn't have been that hard to find -- come on, he's about seven feet tall, he's not exactly inconspicuous -- but he was. It took me a good ten minutes until I spied him coming out the front of one building, glancing around nervously. He started walking toward the road to his house. I ran up as quietly as I could and when I got about two feet behind him, I yelled out,

"Hey!"

He visibly jumped, and turned around. He gave me a half-assed smile.

"Hey, Reeve. Listen, I kind of have to go home right now --"

"Don't lie to me," I interrupted. I couldn't help glaring at him. "Tell me what the fuck is wrong with you. Why are you avoiding me?"

Adam sighed. He ran his hand through his hair nervously, flushing slightly. For once, he was the nervous one.

"Really, I have to go ho--"

"I said don't fucking lie to me!" I said angrily. "Just tell me what the fuck is going on, alright?" I paused, looking into his face. He looked upset. In a softer voice, I repeated, "alright?"

"I'm sorry, I just can't talk to you right now, okay?" He turned on his heels and walked quickly away.

Well damn. So much for my take-no-shit plan. I didn't have the energy to run after him. I just wanted to go home and sleep.

So I did. I slept all day and well into the next morning.

The next few days went pretty much the same, and I didn't pursue the issue too much. He ignored me, so I ignored him. If he was going to be an asshole, I could be one too. If we passed in the hallway, he would sort of duck his head and hurry by, and I would glare at him, but not say a word. He couldn't avoid me forever. One of these days he'd have to talk to me. I was going to make sure of it.

Soon enough, I was getting sick and tired of this little game. I was beyond angry, beyond furious. I was so mad I didn't feel a thing. I could have stabbed him in the face and been blank, I was so pissed. I could almost hear the little voice saying "red rum, red rum!" Include applicable finger-twitch.

On Friday, I was in sixth period, sitting at the office desk being bored out of my mind. I was closing the stapler on nothing, taking out the little folded staples and making them into a chain. An evil wench of a woman handed me a note and directed me to take it to some classroom to give to the teacher, I so grumbled at her for interrupting my 'fun' and wandered the hallway for as long as I thought I could get away with it.

After giving the note to the little old lady it was intended for, I walked slowly down the hallway, peeking into classrooms, trying to think of something to occupy myself with.

Then I spotted Adam down the hall, going into the boys' bathroom. He hadn't seen me. I narrowed my eyes and started toward the door.

I stood just outside the closed door, and I heard the urinal flushing, then the sound of the sink running. I heard the automatic air dryer, and waited for the door to open.

As it creaked open, Adam caught sight of me just before I shoved him backward into the bathroom. I let the door shut behind me.

"What are you doing?" Adam demanded, looking at me like I was crazy -- a fact I wouldn't have really disputed at the moment.

"Talk to me," I said.

"Listen, I really don't have time for thi--"

"Yes you do," I interrupted calmly. My voice was devoid of all emotion. "Tell me what's going on. Tell me why you're avoiding me."

Adam stared at me in disbelief. "Are you insane? You can't keep me in here." He took a step toward me, as if he were going to walk around me.

I stood where I was, arms crossed. "You can leave if you want, dude, but if you do, you're effectively killing our friendship. Permanently."

I was bluffing my ass off. The little voice in my head was screeching, 'No! Don't leave! For the love of fuck, don't leave!' I could only hope he wouldn't say something like 'okay, whatever,' and walk out.

He stared at me for another long moment, a confused, disbelieving look on his face. I stared right back at him, looking him directly in the eye, daring him to leave. He didn't.

He slumped over and rested his head on the wall. "Shit," he said softly, his eyes closed. It was actually the first time I'd heard him swear.

I leaned up against the wall next to him, looking toward him, but his face was pointed toward the floor and his eyes were closed.

"Come on, man," I said. "Tell me what's going on."

He sighed. "It's complicated," he said, picking at his fingernails. "You wouldn't understand."

"I'd probably understand better than you do," I snorted. I paused, but he didn't say anything. "Adam," I said, "I'm serious. Either tell me what's going on or forget I was ever your friend."

... or maybe something more, I silently added.

I was trying my best not to mention anything about us fooling around, because hey, maybe that wasn't why he was avoiding me. Shyeah. Right. What the hell else could it be? It had to have something to do with Saturday night. I figured it was either A: he was really drunk, and when he woke up freaked out, because he wasn't gay or bi, B: he was just experimenting and had decided he didn't like guys, or C: he just didn't like me.

I was pretty sure I could deal with A or B, even though it would be hard, but I wasn't quite sure about C.

Adam, his face flushed red, was staring at his hands, chewing on his lip while he picked at his fingernails. He had such a pitifully cute look on his face that I almost let the subject drop. Then I remembered the hurt, the anger, the sadness I'd felt when he wasn't in my bed Sunday morning, when he didn't wait for me at the door, when he avoided me at lunch and break.

He sighed again. "Alright," he said quietly. He took a deep breath and let it out. "Alright, ah... on Saturday, when, ah... when we..." he struggled to find the words he wanted to use.

It was like he and I had switched places. Suddenly he was the nervous, blushing one, and I was the cool, calm one. My anger was melting away, and I found it hard to keep staring at him the way I was without pulling him into my arms.

Adam took another deep breath. "Okay. On Saturday, when... when we kissed, I liked it. When we... did.... what we did.... before we went to sleep... I liked that too. I liked it a lot. But... I..."

My spirits momentarily soared. He liked kissing me, he liked touching me. Oh lord. I was flying high. And then there was the 'but.'

"But what?" I prompted.

Adam stared at the floor, as he stuck his hand in his back pocket. He pulled out his wallet, and opened it. He showed me the inside of the wallet without looking at me. It was a picture. Of a girl.

"But I have a girlfriend."

And I came crashing down.

After that, I stopped listening. He kept talking, but I didn't hear a word he said. He had a girlfriend. Oh god. He'd kissed me. We'd fooled around. He'd even slept in my bed with me. I couldn't deal with this right now.

The words kept repeating in my mind, over and over.

He has a girlfriend.

He has a girlfriend.

He has a girlfriend.

I walked out of the bathroom, dazed. He followed me, asking if I was alright, still trying to talk to me. He looked worried. But I couldn't hear anything he said. It just kept going through my mind over and over.

He has a girlfriend.

He has a girlfriend.

When I got to the front of the school building, I went outside and started toward my car. Adam was still standing by the door of the school, looking confused and a bit stunned. I sat in the passenger seat of the ugly station wagon and waited for Violet to get out of class.

When the bell finally rang and Violet showed up at the car, she looked really worried. She was asking me questions, but I still couldn't really hear anything. I knew she was talking, and I heard the words, but I didn't comprehend. They were just noises, the sound of them getting louder and more insistent.

Eventually she gave up talking to me and drove us home. Violet followed me into my room, once again talking to me, asking me questions. I tried to clear my mind, tried to understand what she was saying.

She slapped me across the face. It wasn't hard, really. Just enough to shock, not really hard enough to injure. I snapped back from wherever I was.

"Reeve!" she yelled. "Speak to me! Jesus Christ, you're scaring me!"

"He has a girlfriend," I said hollowly, my voice devoid of emotion.

She stared at me. "Excuse me?"

"A girlfriend. Adam has a girlfriend."

Violet gaped at me, openmouthed. She pulled me into a hug. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry..." Then the look on her face grew dark and angry. She left my room without saying goodbye, and I could hear her muttering something indistinguishable under her breath.

If I wasn't so out of it, I would have thought to call Adam and warn him. Even if I wasn't exactly happy with him at the moment, I wouldn't wish the wrath of my sister on anyone.

I laid down in my clothes, not even bothering to take my shoes off. I stared at the ceiling for a long time, the same words repeating over and over.

He has a girlfriend.

I was blank. No anger, no sadness. Just a curiously empty feeling. A bit of a Smashing Pumpkins song flashed through my head.

Emptiness is loneliness And loneliness is cleanliness And cleanliness is godliness And god is empty Just like me.

And I fell asleep.

Hmmm... what say you? I don't know about this... I'm not sure I like where this story is going, but it seems to be writing itself, totally ignoring my directions and guidance.

:-\ Quite frustrating.

Question of the week: what part of the week are you most likely to go on Nifty?

My thoughts on this are... perhaps the weekend, because work/school/whatever isn't in session and people have more free time... but then again, perhaps the weekdays, because people who have some semblance of a social life might be busy on weekends.

Anywhoozle! Yeah. Not much to say from me. Hope ya liked it.

Please email me at: Smpthy4TheDevil@yahoo.com