Westlife Romance -- Chapter 57
Annette laughed as Mark told her another one of his many embarrassing moments. The more they talked, the more Annette liked Mark. She still didn't know why he was so mean to her the first day they met, but it really didn't matter anymore.
The elevator door opened and Annette walked out, followed by Mark. She was still laughing at Mark's latest revelation when she saw Nicky running towards them.
"Hey, Nicky," Annette said. "Where are you going at this hour?"
Nicky did not acknowledge the question. It was as if he didn't even hear it.
"Nix?" Mark called out, somewhat unsettled by Nicky's behaviour.
Again, there was no response from Nicky. Before they had a chance to ask another question, Nicky had run past them and disappeared down the stairs. Not once did the blond singer acknowledge the presence of Annette and Mark.
"What happened?" Annette asked with a puzzled look.
Mark shrugged. "I have no idea," he answered, although in fact he did have an idea as to what might have happened.
Meanwhile, Bryan sat on the bed in a daze. He couldn't believe how badly he had messed up. He should've known that this would happen. Time and time again, he reminded himself to go slow, to wait for Nicky to make the move. But somehow, he just couldn't control himself tonight. He could only hope that he had not ruined things for good.
Bryan stared at the wall as his thoughts were dominated by concern for Nicky. He so wanted to run after Nicky as he ran out of the room, but for those few seconds, it was as if Bryan's feet were glued to the floor. By the time he came to his senses, Nicky was nowhere to be found. The last words that Nicky uttered greatly disturbed him. "I'm so useless..." "How could Nicky say that?" he asked himself. For the last few days, Bryan had thought Nicky had gotten over the rape and all its after effects. It was clear now that it was not the case. Bryan sighed, things seem so much clearer now, but it was too late. He stared at the clock...it was 3am.
Bryan must have dozed off a few times, because when he looked at the clock the next time, it was 4:30am. The room was dim but Nicky was nowhere to be found. Bryan was beginning to get worried. After a few seconds of pondering, he decided that it was best to go look for Nicky. As he began to get ready, the door opened and Nicky walked in quietly. His hair was dishevelled and he looked pale. As Nicky walked into the room, the two boys' eyes met and locked their gaze. Then there was silence as the Nicky and Bryan stared at each other. Finally, Nicky pulled away from the gaze and stared at the floor. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
Bryan's heart ached as he saw Nicky. He looked so vulnerable and so down. Acting on instinct, Bryan wrapped Nicky in a hug. "Please don't do this to yourself, Nix...it's not your fault!!"
But Nicky wasn't listening. He continued to apologize, his voice trembling as he spoke. Bryan led Nicky to the bed and the two boys sat down. Gently, Bryan reached out and caressed Nicky's face. He looked Nicky in the eye and spoke calmly but seriously. "Listen, Nix. You don't have to apologize. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. If there is someone to blame, it should be me. I should have been more sensitive to your feelings."
"I wanted to, Bryan..." Nicky answered. "I really wanted to give you what you want..."
"Shhh..." Bryan hugged Nicky again. "I already have what I want, Nix. I have you. That's already more than I ever dreamed of."
"But..."
"No buts, Nix. I love you. The sex is good but that's not what I want the most. I just want you, Nicky. Don't you see?"
Nicky looked down at his hands, remaining quiet. "You don't have to, you know..."
Bryan looked at Nicky with a confused look. "Have to what?"
"You don't have to wait for me, Bryan...I don't deserve you..."
Bryan sighed. Nicky was always the stubborn one. "Listen, Nicky Byrne. I don't care if we never go beyond kissing and hugging. I don't care about all that. I just care about you. I just want to be with you. That's all I want!!!" Bryan squeezed Nicky's hands, as if to reassure him. "Remember how you used to tell me to not look down on myself?"
"That's different," Nicky answered.
"No it's not."
"Yes it is. You have everything, Bryan. Looks, smarts, talent. You have everything going for you. It would be stupid for you to look down on yourself."
"But so do you, Nix."
Nicky laughed, a hint of sarcasm and bitterness laced the laughter. "Yeah? What do I have? I'm just nothing. Don't you understand. I'm nothing!!"
Bryan was shocked at Nicky's words. He had no idea this was what Nicky thought of himself. The problem was much more serious than he had imagined.
He could not understand how or why Nicky would think that of himself. But he knew that such negative thoughts could only do harm and no good to Nicky.
"Stop it!" Bryan said more forcefully than he intended. "I'm not going to listen to you berate yourself. You're not nothing! You're the most caring, kind-hearted person that I know. And you're just as talented as any of us, if not more. You always see the good in other people, why can't you see the good in yourself?"
Nicky began to speak again, but was cut off by Bryan. "I look up to you, Nicky. Everything that you are, I've always wanted to be. And I know that the rest of the lads look up to you too. So if you're nothing, then we must be the stupidest people on this planet!! Is that what you think of us, Nix?"
For once, Nicky had no answer to Bryan's question. Despite this temporary victory, Bryan knew that the problems won't be solved by one little chat. He had to get to the root of the problem...and he knew that he would need all the help he can get from the others.
As Bryan thought of a plan to help his boyfriend, Nicky began to doze, still convinced that he was not deserving of Bryan. "How could Bryan possibly love someone like me? I'm just used goods...nothing but used goods..." Those were Nicky's last thoughts as he drifted off to sleep.
...to be continued...