-------------- LEGAL SHIT -------------- All usual disclaimers apply. This chapter of the story doesn't contain sex, but the story eventually will, so if you're under 18, you probably shouldn't read this. But reading this dumbass disclaimer won't stop you (and I don't blame you) so just don't get caught. If you are offended by homosexual relationships, then what the hell are you doing here? This story is property of the author. You may distribute this story as long as I'm given credit for writing it, the story is not at all changed, and you do not charge anyone a fee for reading it. Enjoy!
Also, several people have asked me about my personal opinion of the Christian religion. While I do not practice it (I am an Atheist), I do realize that many Christians are not like the ones portrayed in the story, and I am not trying to stereotype Christians in any way. However, I also realize (and ask that you do as well) that there are many Christians who ARE like that. Thank you for understanding.
Questions/comments/CONSTRUCTIVE criticisms are welcome at JasonS182 @aol.com I will ignore flames, so find something better to do.
We're In This Together: Chapter 3 ---------------------------------
"Hey God, Why are you doing this to me? Am I not living up to what I'm supposed to be? Why am I seething with this animosity? Hey God, I think you owe me a great big apology."
The words to "Terrible Lie" by Nine Inch Nails echoed in my head as we drove to church. I could always find the words to express how I felt in the words of Trent Reznor. And listening to it gave me the feeling that someone else was going through what I was, which I found somehow comforting, if only a little bit.
I was angry. Angry at god for fucking me over like this. I had a family who hated what I was and I'd finally met a great person, and I couldn't even hold his fucking hand! What did I do to deserve this? I never hurt anyone, I never did drugs, I tried to be nice to people. Why do the assholes always get ahead in the world? I was gay. I wanted to tell myself that wasn't the problem, but there was still that voice in my mind that said it was. It was the reason that god hated me. I wanted to believe that god didn't care if I was gay or straight, but it just didn't work. I'd been exposed to too much hate to be able to think any differently. And now I was on my way to church for my weekly booster shot of hate, just in case it had started to wear off.
It had started to. Adam had almost had me believing that it wasn't true. That god didn't hate me because I was gay. But as soon as I was away from him, it came back. And I couldn't be around him all the time. If only I could, then everything would be okay. I tried to tell myself that someday, somehow, everything would be okay...but sometimes I just didn't know. It seemed so hopeless most of the time. For all but 2 or 3 hours of the day, I thought that I was living my life in sin. I didn't know how long I could survive like that.
Our car pulled into the church parking lot. As we headed in, most of the people greeted my father warmly. Idiots. They practically worshipped a man who spewed hate from every pore of his body. I couldn't stand it. And they all thought that I must be so fucking happy because my father is such a great man. Yeah right. They were all blind and stupid. They would do exactly as he said. If he said to hate, they would. I could literally feel all the hate saturating the air as we walked into the church. It sickened me. I had no idea how I was going to make it through this. It was always hard, but now I'd be thinking about Adam too, and it would make my father even more unbearable.
My mom and I walked into the church while my father headed up to the front of the church. My mom continued to talk to all the assholes that listened to every word my father said. I did my best to ignore them. It was working, but it wouldn't work much longer.
And then it started. An hour's worth of idiotic, homophobic rhetoric. It felt so much longer than an hour. I had to sit there and endure "Fags will all burn in hell," among other things, some of them worse, for what felt like days. 5 minutes into the "service," I felt like I was going to throw up. I don't know how I made it through without getting up and strangling the asshole that called himself my father. I needed Adam. If he were only here, I'd be able to cope so much easier somehow. He had this...power that could make me disregard the bullshit my father was spewing. But he wasn't here, and I couldn't block out my father's hateful voice. All through church, and through the rest of the day, the words "God hates fags," echoed through my mind, causing me to shudder every time I thought about it.
Finally it ended. I somehow made it through the whole service without bursting into tears or letting the anger inside of me explode. But I wondered how much longer I would last. The anger could only stay bottled up for so long before the pressure got too great and the anger erupted in an enormous fit of rage.
"Do you know how far this has gone? Just how damaged have I become? When I think I can overcome It runs even deeper"
When we got home, I quickly retreated to my room and spent most of the day there, like I had yesterday. I was barely managing to keep myself under control as it was, being around my fucked up family wouldn't help matters.
I sat up in my room, alone, all day long and I cried. I cried because I was gay and I didn't want to be. I cried because my father would literally kill me if he ever found out about me. And I cried because I missed Adam.
Adam. He was so great for understanding how hard it was for me last night. But I had to wonder, would I ever be able to even hold his hand in public. It seemed like such an easy thing to do, yet I hadn't been able to do it at all. I'm sure that Adam wouldn't wait for me forever, he's a nice guy he could find someone else, someone who could care for him in return. I hoped I figured this out quickly. If I lost Adam, I would have nothing. I was enough of a mess as it was, even with Adam.
Tomorrow was Monday. I'd never looked forward to going to school, but suddenly I developed this weird paranoia that everyone would somehow know about Adam and I. It was stupid of me, but it was there nonetheless. Still, I couldn't wait to see Adam again tonight. I almost didn't care of everyone at school knew...except for the fact that we'd surely get the shit beat out of us within an hour. That is, if we got lucky we'd ONLY get the shit beat of us. My school was mostly filled with...well, stereotypical inner-city teens. All they really cared about was football and fucking (girls), and for some reason they saw gays as a threat to their "jock-dom." Why does everybody have to be so hateful?
Finally my parents went to bed and I snuck out of the house a little before 11, heading to the parking garage where we had agreed to meet the night before. As usual, the streets were dark and quiet as I headed towards the only bright part of my day. I saw him standing right in front of the garage and I waved. He saw me immediately and waved back, a big smile spreading across his face just like that was on mine.
I ran up to him. "Adam," I said, out of breath, "I missed you."
"I missed you too Rich," Adam said, flashing his perfect set of teeth. He got a concerned look on his face. "So, how'd it go today?"
"Ummm," I started, unsure of what to say, "It went...pretty bad I guess. I mean, what could I expect though. I knew what was gonna happen."
"Yeah, I guess. I'm sorry Rich," Adam said.
"Don't be. It's not your fault." I didn't want him getting all upset over this too.
"But I don't like seeing all this shit happen to you," he replied.
"Well, thanks a lot. That means a lot to me."
"No problem," he said, "I really do love you Rich."
I smiled. "I love you too Adam."
Adam smiled broadly back at me. "Thanks Rich. So how was the rest of your day"
"Well, I sat up in my room hating my family all day long," I said.
"Oh, sorry," he said.
"I told you not to worry about it!" I said with a giggle.
"Oh fine," Adam said, laughing a bit too.
"Anyway, how was your day?" I asked.
"It was okay," he said, "But it would've been better if I'd been with you."
"Awww, thanks," I said, blushing. "I thought about you all day."
"Same here babe," he responded. "So, let's get outta here and go somewhere."
"Sounds good to me," I said with a smile.
"So, where do you wanna go?" he asked.
"Anywhere, as long as I'm with you," I said with a smile.
"Alright," Adam said with a smile, "Lets go."
We walked all around the city, just as we had the last two nights. The happiness that I felt when I was near Adam never ceased to amaze me. It wasn't just a feeling that went away after the first time, it was still there, just as strong as ever. But, the thing that still bothered me, was that I still couldn't physically tell him how I felt in public. I couldn't even hold his hand, and that really pissed me off. Sure, I could tell him that I loved him if there was no one around, but it seemed to me that those words could only go so far. I felt like I wouldn't be fully expressing how wonderful he made feel until I could show it physically. And I couldn't. God, I hated my father.
At about 1 AM, we sat down on a bench outside of some building. We talked there for a couple minutes and then Adam asked me with a concerned look on his face, "What's wrong Rich?"
"Nothing," I said.
"You look like something's bothering you," Adam responded.
"Well," I started, "It's just that I'm still really mad at myself. You know, about not being able to hold your hand and stuff."
Adam smiled warmly at me. "I told you not to worry about it Rich. You'll figure this whole thing out sooner or later, and I'm gonna help you through it. No matter how long it takes."
I smiled back at Adam. "Thanks a lot Adam," I said. "I really do love you, I just wish I could show you how much I do."
"Just telling me is enough," Adam said. Then he got a devious glint in his eyes. "Plus, as soon as you get this sraightened out, we'll really be able to show each other how much we love each other."
I laughed at his joke. "Shut up, you pervert," I said with a smile.
"Oh alright," Adam said, still smiling, "But seriously, whenever your ready. I don't wanna rush you."
"Thanks dude," I said.
"No problem babe," Adam responded.
"You're the best Adam."
"No, you are Rich."
"No, you are!"
"You are!"
"Okay," I said, "This isn't going anywhere. We'll compromise. We're both good, how's that?"
"Sounds good to me," said Adam with a giggle.
"Okay, good," I said, smiling back at him.
We got back up and started walking again. We ended up staying out until about 3 AM again. I was supposed to get up at 6 AM for school. School was gonna be hell, but I didn't care as long as I was with Adam. Of course, Adam would be at school too, so maybe that'd make it a bit easier to wake up.
Around 2:30 AM, we'd started to head back towards my place, so we could get there by 3, and I could at least get a little sleep. We had been gone for almost three hours, but it only felt like about 10 minutes. I loved being around Adam so much that our time together just flew by. Maybe it was my imagination, but I thought I could feel a little bit of the pressure lifting off of me. Maybe Adam was right. Maybe it would get better for me. Maybe it would just be a little longer until I could finally hold him. I hoped so.
We arrived at my house right at 3 o'clock. Of course, I didn't want to leave. I was afraid that I would go back to hating myself again.
"Well," Adam said sadly, "I guess I'll see ya later."
"I don't want to go," I said
"I don't either babe, but I'll see you again in a few hours," Adam assured me.
"Yeah I guess," I said, "But I can't stand being away from you even for a minute."
"I know Rich," said Adam, "But we have to for now. There's nothing we can do. One day though, we'll be able to lay in bed and hold each other all day long."
"That sounds great," I said, "I hope so."
"I know so," Adam said with a smile. "I'll make sure of it."
"I don't know where I'd be without you Adam," I said.
"Well," Adam said, "I know where I'd be: at the bottom of the river. You saved my life Rich."
I blushed. "Well, you did the same for me you know."
We paused in silence for a minute. "I love you Rich," Adam said with a heart-melting smile.
"I love you too Adam," I said, "More than anything else."
"Thank you Rich," he said. "Well, I guess I'll see you in a few hours."
"Only if I manage to wake up by then," I said with smile.
Adam smiled back at me. "Heh, same here."
"You know," I said, "This is the first time I've ever looked forward to going to school."
"Yeah me too," said Adam with a giggle. "That sounds weird, looking forward to school."
I laughed with him. "Yeah I know."
We paused again before Adam spoke. "Well, I should go so I'm at least there when my parents wake up," he said.
"Yeah," I agreed, "That's probably a good idea."
"Well, I guess I'll see you in a few hours then," Adam said.
"Yeah," I replied, "See ya later."
And then I did something that suprised both of us. I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. It wasn't much, but it felt like the world to me.
"Thank you," Adam whipered. "Bye Rich, see you later."
"Bye Adam," I said as he slowly walked off into the darkness. I watched as he walked away, until I could no longer see him.
I quietly crept back into the house, being extra careful not to wake my parents. They'd kill me if they caught me coming home at 3 AM on a school night. I got to my room and quietly closed the door and slipped under the covers of my bed. I began to think about everything that had happened. Had I really just kissed Adam? I still couldn't believe I had. But I felt so much better because of it. I still had a long way to go before my problems were totally solved, but at least now I knew that I would be able to fix them. It would get better. I figured I should try to at least get a little sleep before tomorrow. I couldn't wait to see Adam again. Despite all the bad things that were happening in my life, I managed to fall asleep with pleasant thoughts of the one bright spot: Adam.
----------------------------------------------------------------------- End of chapter 3. There now. That only took about a month and half to write, not long at all :) Once again, I hope you liked WITT 3 and please e-mail comments to me at jasons182@aol.com. The 2nd quote in the story comes from an NIN song called "Even Deeper," in case you were wondering. Anyway, I will try to have chapter 4 done in a little less time, hopefully by the end of the year. But I'll probably miss the deadline, so don't hold your breath :) Please check out my website, http://jasonstuff.tripod.com for my other stories, quotes, links, and other stuff. See ya later!