We Will Remember Them

This story is a work of fiction. None of the characters are real and any similarities between this story and/or any characters in it and real life is purely coincidental.

THIS STORY CONTAINS GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF CONSENSUAL SEXUAL ACTS BETWEEN TEENAGE MALES. IT IS INTENDED FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY! IF YOU FIND THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL OFFENSIVE, OR IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, OR UNDER THE LEGAL AGE TO VIEW SUCH MATERIAL THEN PLEASE READ NO FURTHER.

The author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original story. You may not publish it or any part of it without explicit authorization from me.

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Authors note – The finale... I want to thank everyone who has stuck with me through the last (almost) two years. I especially want to tell those of you who have written me that your comments have kept this going in many ways. It's been wonderful hearing from you and I appreciate you all for taking the time to write.

And before any of you ask, yes I am already working on a sequel.

The evening of April 2nd, I was working on a project when I got a Skype call from Willy. I sat there looking at the screen thinking about whether or not I wanted to answer the call for a bit before finally answering.

He looked like he always did when I saw him recently, worried. I knew why, and I kept asking him to stop, but I knew it was as pointless as asking my parents not to worry about me.

"Dude, you have got to stop calling me when you have a horse face. I'm really sick of seeing it." I told him.

His eyes bugged out a bit and then I saw the smile spread on his face.

"You are probably the sweetest dickhead I will ever know," he said, laughing. "I've been so..."

"Stop, Willy, you don't have to say it. I'm doing better."

"What happened?"

"Well, I had dinner with Toby's family on Saturday. Toby gave me some messages for people when we were in the car, and I gave his parents, brother and sister theirs when I was there. It helped getting that out, but honestly spending time with them helped a lot more."

"Oh man, that must have been tough. I wish I could have been there with you."

"Nah, there are some things I had to do on my own. That was one of them and I glad I did. It was what I needed to do for him and I'm really embarrassed that it took me so long." I told him, crying a little.

He sniffed a little, "I'm sure they didn't care..."

"You're right, but still, I know I should have. I'm coming to grips with the realization that I'm not..."

"Superman?"

I laughed a bit, "Dumbass... Strong. I'm weaker than I was. I'm softer since the accident, Willy. I feel it every day."

"Are you concerned about it?"

I smiled, "Nope. I don't think it's going to pass, either. It's just how I am now. I feel like myself, but things effect me now differently. It's taken some getting used to, but I'm going to be OK," I paused, taking a drink from the glass of water on my desk. "I don't think me being more emotional is going to change any time soon, so I just want to warn you I'm going to say 'I love you' a lot more."

He laughed, "I can take that. At least I know you mean it."

"I do man, and I can't think you enough..."

"Dude, I don't care if we're 90, I'm always going to be there for you."

"Thanks, man."

"So when does the cast come off?"

"Manana! We have a game tomorrow night at 6 so my father's going to take me to get it cut off tomorrow afternoon, then I'm actually going to get dressed for the game."

"You're kidding me! You're going to try to play right after getting your cast cut off?"

"No, Coach Adams isn't crazy, I'm useless right now on the field. But he's going to be let me dress out and I'll just sit in the dugout. Maybe go to bat once, if we're up enough. I don't really care, I'm just happy I'll get to do something other than keeping stats."

Willy smiled, "I'm glad, man. I know how much making varsity this year means to you."

"Thanks, Willy."

"Hey, before I go, I need to correct something you said earlier..."

"What?"

I could see his eyes start to glisten a bit, "You're not weaker, man. You may be more emotional, 'softer' as you put it, but you're not weaker. What you've been through and how you've handled yourself makes you one of the strongest people I know. Don't ever forget that, OK?"

"Thanks, Willy. I'll talk to you later... love you, hermano!"

I got up to use the bathroom, then went into the kitchen because I was feeling a little hungry. I could hear the TV going in the family room and walked in to see my father in one of the chairs and my sister on the sofa, both wrapped up Titanic. I remember going to see it with my parents when I was little, I think about four, and thought it was really cool. I also remember my mother's Celine Dion phase which lasted a little over a year and wasn't nearly as cool.

I stood there for a second, holding a bowl of ice cream, which I was rapidly spooning into my mouth.

"Rob," my father started, "could you eat that a little more loudly?" This of course made Cat and I both giggle.

Around a mouthful, I replied, "Nah, I wanted it to be just loud enough for you to know I was standing here."

He paused the movie, "Well, are you going to join us?"

I sat down on the sofa, "I guess for a little while. I still have a project for chemistry I need to finish."

"Will that you get you caught up?"

"Yes sir. It's the last thing I need to do and I'll be right back on track to finish the year."

He smiled at me, "I'm really proud of you, son."

I smiled back at him and nodded, "Thank you. I'm proud of you, too."

The day before, he'd driven Cat and I down to the condo to see my mother and everyone. When she opened the door, she was really surprised to see him with us.

"Bethany, I wanted... well... would it be possible for me to have a word with you, Neil, and Josh?"

She looked at him, then glanced at me with a question and I just smiled and nodded.

"Of course, come on in."

They went into the master and closed the door, while Lane, Cat, and I sat down to watch TV. About 10 minutes later, they call came out, smiling and seemingly very happy. I got up and walked over to my father, leaving the crutch behind.

"I'm going to head out," then he paused, looking at my mother, "You want to bring them back up to the house or do you want me to come get them?"

She smiled, "I'll run them up about 9?"

"Sounds good. I'll see y'all later."

Josh looked like you could have knocked him over with a feather as he walked past me to sit down with Lane. I asked my mother what happened and she told me he'd apologized for the custody bullshit and said he'd be as flexible as we wanted to be on custody from now on. I actually teared up a bit.

Mother looked at me, smiling, "What did you say to him?"

I wiped my eyes, "We had a talk last night when I got back from the Martins. He was pretty upset about everything and he was carrying some guilt. I told him he needed to apologize to you, Neil, and Josh." I decided not to tell her the full story. I really didn't want to get into it to be honest, I was still pretty raw.

Neil chuckled, "Well, it got through."

When we got back to the house later that night, he was in his office and I went in and just gave him a hug. I didn't say anything to him, I didn't feel like it was necessary.

I went back to eating my ice cream, the memory of the day before making me think about how my father was changing, when I realized we were close to the end of the movie. It's funny how things will set you off, but the two of them in the water made me flash back to the memory of the dream I'd had New Years Eve and it triggered a full scale panic attack. Thanks to Dr. Foster and Dr. Arya, I was pretty well contained... I think Cat thought something might be up, but I just sat there running through the exercises, out of my mind, until daddy touched my shoulder as he walked past me and out of the room. It took me another few minutes before I got up and went back to my room. That was my first real issue with PTSD and it was absolutely nothing like I thought it would be.

As I got up, Cat softly said, "You OK?"

"Yeah, but thanks for asking," and I winked at her.

I got back to my room and quickly wrote out an email to Arya and Foster detailing the trigger, the attack, what I did, and how I was feeling right then. I'd agreed to do that for them so we could discuss it during the next session. It was also so that if anything was really wrong, they could step in and do something.

That night, as I got back to work on my project, I realized that getting back to myself was going to be more of a project than I'd anticipated. I knew I wasn't special, I knew I was still dealing with the grief, but I did think on a variety of levels I was getting back to what I'd begun to think of as normal. The attack was a shock, but it wasn't something I was going to let drag me down.

The next day I felt good when I got up and decided, once again, to leave the damn crutches at home and just walk. The cast was coming off that afternoon anyway, so why bother with the damn things. I was happy my body was healing and I'd done some PT and even started working out upper body again two weeks prior. I was slowly putting back some of the muscle I'd lost and feeling better. I really thought getting back in the gym had helped me not just physically, but emotionally.

By the end of the day, we were in a mad rush to get to the doctor, get the cast cut off, and then run me back to the field so I could get dressed. To say I was excited would be an understatement. Adams was on my ass from the moment I walked in to get dressed and hurry up. The rest of the guys were pretty keyed up as well... this was a district game so we needed to win, but it was also against Allen so we felt pretty good about pulling it off. As we walked out onto the field the announcer made a big deal of welcoming me back to the diamond and I didn't want to cry, but I started anyway as I looked up in the packed stands and saw so many people I cared about there.

It was a pretty amazing moment.

The game was going really well and by the time the 9th inning rolled around, Adams called me up to bat. I got so damn nervous, I might as well have been back in t-ball as a kid. When I came up the cheering from the stands was, well, really fucking awesome and I managed to hit the ball, knocking it to center field. Either through magic or sheer fucking luck, I got to first before they even had the damn thing and ended up being batted in by Chuck.

After I got cleaned up, I walked out to find people still there, including the Martins who I hugged as hard as I could. My father was standing with my mother, Neil, and Josh. I walked up to them and my father wanted to take everyone to eat. Then he turned and asked where I wanted to go and I tried to respond, but couldn't. I finally blurted out the name of the burger place Toby and I always went to.

I realized, almost as quickly as I got in the car, THAT was pure PTSD. No, it wasn't a full blown panic attack but it was every bit as unnerving.

When I got home, I sent another email to Dos Doctors as I'd started to call them, detailing what had happened. Then climbed in bed, trying to push the feeling that things were worse than they were to the back of my mind.

Wednesday I decided I wanted to go to Ouichita for the weekend and planned to leave after our game on Friday. Cat was cool with going down and my father didn't hesitate when I told him my plan. I called my mother on the way to school and asked if it would be OK and she just laughed.

When I got to school, I ran into Jack who congratulated me on the game.

"Thanks, man," I responded. "I know you don't really like baseball, but I wish you could have been there."

He smiled, the first time I'd seen him really do it since the accident, "I was."

I pushed him hard in the chest, "Dude, why didn't you stick around?"

"I felt like you needed some time with your family," he said.

"Well, next time don't do that."

"I won't. Seriously, I'm glad you're feeling better."

I sighed, "It's still hard, but yeah, I'm going to be OK."

He just smiled at me and we made our way inside. I was completely clueless as to what was going on with him, I thought he was, like me, feeling better. If I'd only known how bad things were for him, I'd have done more to help.

Wednesday and most of the day on Thursday were good. I had my session with Dos Doctors and things opened up a bit. At least, I felt better when I came out of the session. Things were still hitting me, sometimes several times a day, but it had steadily gotten better to the point where I might cry but it wasn't too obvious. But inside, it hurt still. Going to sleep, for example, usually meant curling up on my bed with Henry, propping a pillow behind me to simulate (badly) Toby, and then I'd cry myself to sleep.

Yeah, the nights were the worst. Arya had even written me a prescription for Ambien, but it didn't always work. That Thursday night was really bad, and I got up after crying my eyes out to go cut off a piece of a Xanax. As I stood in my bathroom, a pair of scissors open so I could use the blade to cut the pill, it hit me.

One cut down each arm and a hot bath. Then I can be with him again.

I brought the scissors up and looked at them, then looked at myself in the mirror and broke down again. My sobbing was so intense, I actually threw up. When I was done retching, I laid back looking at the ceiling and prayed to God to help me. Two days after the cast was off, and I had my first suicidal thought.

I remember waking that next morning, lying on the cold marble floor, and the first thing I saw were those damn scissors. I immediately started crying again, flinging them away from me. I ended up missing first period before I could straighten myself up, telling my father that I had a little stomach bug that had apparently run it's course.

I wanted to believe so badly that I was making progress that I ended up faking it throughout the day. I slipped once, in History, when Adam said something to me that I completely misunderstood and I teared up. It was something completely innocuous but the look on his face was really crushing. He believed he'd done something wrong and I had to tell him, a few times, I was OK and that he didn't do anything wrong.

I picked up Cat on the way home and she knew something was up.

She got in the car all smiles, then looked at me once she had her seatbelt on. REALLY looked at me.

"I'm not even going to ask if you're OK. What happened?"

I sighed as I started to drive us home, "It's just been a tough day. I think that thing I had overnight, and the lack of sleep, did a number on me. I'm going to take a nap when I get home."

"OK. What time do we need to be ready to roll?"

"I have to be there at 630, so 615?" I replied.

"Got it. I'll be ready, Rob. I promise."

As much as I had changed, Cat had changed more. She wasn't giving me shit the way she usually did. If anything, she'd been going out of her way to be both nice and dependable. What usually would have been an argument, even one with smiles, wasn't. I loved her so much that afternoon that it's hard to express in words.

After letting Henry out, I told Mrs. Witsun to have a good weekend and she gave me a hug, then told me to do the same. Henry and I laid down and I fell pretty fast asleep until my alarm went off. I got up, packed things for the weekend, and went downstairs to see Cat already in the kitchen.

We packed up the Escalade and headed to the field. I'd been improving daily and Adams had said he wanted me to be relief for Dan Garrison who was our catcher. I was pretty good as catcher, so when we hit the 7th, Adams put me in to give Dan a break.

As I walked onto the field, I felt my head clear and I just concentrated on doing a good job. I wasn't 100% but Adams trusted me enough to do this, and the guys were all depending on me. This wasn't something I wanted to fuck up.

I did well during the 7th, then when we got into the 8th I really felt comfortable. It was the first time since the accident I had and I was ON. The second out was mine when one of their batters hit a pop fly and ran like hell for first. It was an easy catch for me and getting that guy out felt GOOD.

When the game was over, I cleaned up fast, said my goodbyes and headed out to find Cat standing there, waiting for me with Reese. I gave him a hug. It was kind of strange... Reese was a big kid. I was two years older and smaller than my sisters boyfriend. He still reminded me of Toby, but it didn't make me uncomfortable.

"Nice job out there!" he told me.

I laughed, "Well, it's only two innings but it's a start."

"You're not mad about being catcher?" Cat asked, remembering it was really the one spot I didn't want.

"Nah, I'm just happy I got to play." I paused for a second, looking at Reese. "Do you need a ride? I can run you home on our way out."

"Oh, thanks. I was just going to call my mom to pick..."

"Nope, come on. I'll take you."

After dropping off Reese, we hit the road and about an hour later we were parked in front of my mother's house. I tried thinking of it as mine, but I didn't live there any more. Despite my father's sudden desire to make amends, both Cat and I realized we were stuck in Plano now. We both had built lives there and thankfully mother understood that we wanted to stay.

I grabbed the bags out of the car and started walking toward the door. Halfway to it, my mother opened it and walked out. As soon as I saw her I dropped the bags and just ran to her, hugging her tightly, and crying. I'd held together pretty well, but that was it. I was done.

Mother took me inside while Cat and Josh grabbed the bags, following us to my room. I sat there on the bed for a while with my mother hugging me to her and just let go. I didn't try to stop it, I wasn't even using the exercises I'd been given to stabilize myself. I sat there with her, rocking gently, until I was all cried out.

When I finally stopped, I just looked over at her, "Sorry, mom. One hell of a homecoming, right?"

She laughed, tears of her own falling from her eyes, "Sugar, I'll take you any way I can get you." She paused for just a second, then said, "You feel up to eating something?"

"Yes ma'am. Thank you."

We walked into the living room where Cat, Josh, Lane, and Neil were putting together an enormous puzzle on the coffee table. Mother told me to sit down and went to get me something to eat.

"So what's all this?"

"A puzzle," was Neil's droll response, which prompted laughter from the others in the room.

"I know THAT, what's the image?"

"You can't tell?" he asked.

I stood up, hoping to get a better look at it. "Starry Night?"

Josh laughed, "Got it in one."

Lane was laughing, "How did you know that?"

I smiled back at him, "I did a woodcut of it in sixth grade. It was pretty bad..."

"Well, I think it was less bad than an example of biting off a tad more than you could chew," my mother said, walking into the room with a sandwich for me.

"Yeah, I remember Ms. Anderson asking me, 'Are you SURE you want to do THAT?'" I responded laughing.

I ate and then helped them work on the puzzle. About midnight, mother and Neil went to bed and Lane left to head home for the evening. Cat decided to go to bed about 15 minutes later, leaving just Josh and I alone.

"I don't want to work on this puzzle any more. You want to take a walk?" he asked.

I looked at my watch, "Dude, it's 20 after 12!"

"Yeah, well, you have something better to do?" he asked, smiling.

I just stood up, "Come on."

We decided to walk down to the lake and back. It was a nice night and the path was lit so it wasn't like we were in danger of falling and breaking anything.

"How's the leg feeling?" Josh asked. "This won't be too much, will it?"

"No, it'll be fine. Honestly, I've lost some muscle but I can get around pretty well on it, all things considered. Just don't try to walk fast."

"Don't worry, I thought it would be good to get out and talk, not powerwalk," he said. Then, "I know something's been up for a few days, you want to talk about it?"

"What did Cat say?"

"She just said you were feeling like crap this morning when you got up..."

"Well, I was. I didn't sleep much last night. To be honest, I haven't been sleeping much at all. I'll go for a few days, then I get one really good night, then go for a few more days."

"What does the doctor say? Is it because you're having nightmares?"

I cleared my throat, knowing that I couldn't be really truthful about what happened the night before. The last thing I wanted was for him to know I'd even thought about doing that to myself. I just... I was afraid. I'd decided I didn't want to even bring it up with Arya or Foster because I knew things would go to an entirely different level when I KNEW that wasn't something I was going to do. I was also really embarrassed about the fact that it had even crossed my mind, as if that thought at one point or another wasn't as common as dirt. How about that for ego?

"Arya says it's normal and so are the dreams I've been having. They're mostly about stupid shit, but then they're always intense, sometimes scary, often just confusing. A lot of times, it's not even a dream, I just can't shut down. I lay in bed and cry, Josh. I can't help it. I usually hold on to Henry and I put a pillow behind me. Then I just cry and cry until I pass out and then I wake up with the alarm. It's gotten to the point where I try to fight going to bed."

"Oh, Rob, that sounds awful," he said, obviously upset. "And the doctors can't do anything?"

"Of course they can. They wrote me a prescription for Ambien, but it even doesn't always work. I really thought it would let up some after I gave the Martins Toby's message. It was good until last night and then... well, it just wasn't a good night."

"I take it that the stomach bug was a lie?"

"I threw up, so not completely. I was just so upset."

"I know how you are about meds..."

"Yeah, well, lack of sleep is steadily moving me past that. If it was just me being normal, the occasional quarter xanax would be enough, but it isn't. Josh, I'm still having problems letting him go."

He sighed, "I know, Rob. It's going to take time and you can't rush it."

"I know, but I feel like I need to be better, at the very least to everyone can get on with their lives and stop worrying about me. Not to mention I know Toby would hate me bring this way."

"Well, none of us are going to ever stop worrying about you. We love you so that's not going to happen and you may as well put it out of your head. As for Toby, he of all people knew how you were wired. The GAD, mixed with his loss, is going to cause problems and he'd understand that better, apparently, than you."

"There's more... one of the dreams I've had more than once..." I stopped, gummed up and completely unable to continue.

"What is it?"

I looked at him intently, "One where I save him. I pull the metal out of his neck and hold my hand to the wound. It slows the bleeding down and gives the EMTs time to pump him full of blood. I know in my head it couldn't have happened, that pulling out the metal would have made the bleeding worse, but it's haunting me," I blurted out all in one breath.

He stopped, grabbing my arm to stop me as well, and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Remember when you ran into Roger after Charlie died at the hospital?"

"Yeah?" I responded.

"That afternoon you told me about him being wound up, thinking he should have done something. This is the same thing. What happened to you and Toby was an accident. It wasn't your fault, it was hers. His friend was having the party and you both wanted to go, so it wasn't your fault you were there at that time. He was mortally wounded the moment she hit you guys, there wasn't anything you could have done..."

"I know that," I said softly.

He hugged me to him, "I know you do in your head, but emotionally you're still thinking you could have done something. You have to accept, like you said a long time ago, that the world is a randomly violent place and that, in the end, we have far less control than we imagine."

I started to sob into his chest. Once more, in one night, I was overloaded. He was right, of course, and I finally realized the truth... no matter how much outward progress I had made, I was still hurting on the inside and those wounds were going to take a lot longer to heal.

We ended up walking to the lake, then back up to the house and by the time we got there, I was really tired. I felt it and I knew I needed sleep.

I went to my room and took a quarter of a Xanax, then got on my phone to email Arya that the Ambien wasn't working and that I felt like I needed to be on something more consistent than the occasional Xanax piece. We'd talked the week before about anti-depressants so I knew that was going to be the next step. I was thinking it might be temporary, to help me through this period of my life, but I was fearful it would just be the start of constant medication.

I brushed my teeth than popped an Ambien and for the first time in days, really slept. I woke up the next morning feeling much better around 930. I got up and made my way to the kitchen to find Willy there, all smiles as he ate a plate of food while talking to my mother.

"No, she's pretty well set on it. Honestly, seeing the way she was with the kids in the youth group at church last fall, I think she'll be really good."

My mother took a sip of her coffee, "That's really awesome, Willy. It's a tough job, but I think she'll be amazing."

I decided I should make my presence known, "Amazing at what?"

"Hey, look who finally decided to climb out of bed," Willy said as he got up from the breakfast table and made his way to me and gave me a hug. He was still being delicate with me, but I didn't mind. Willy hugs always made me feel good.

He pulled away from me, "Susie has decided she wants to be a teacher. She's going to start taking classes next fall at Trinity Valley."

"Wow. That's badass! Let's hope she doesn't ever have kids like us in her class."

Willy laughed, "She'll at least know how to handle them!"

We walked to the table and my mother said, "I made pancakes, eggs, sausage... it's all up on the counter, help yourself."

As I served myself, I asked Willy what brought him over so early.

"Well, I got done with chores so I thought I'd come and see if you wanted to go fishing. Then when you weren't awake, your mother was nice enough to feed me," which prompted laughter from me, "while I waited for you to roll out of bed."

"Yeah, we got into town late and Josh and I stayed up a little later than we planned."

My mother walked over and put her hand on my shoulder, I looked up at her.

"I'm going to get on with my day. You have fun and I'll see you this afternoon."

"Alright, love you!"

Willy and I finished breakfast, then I went to throw on some real clothes so we could go. We walked out to his truck, got in and as he started it I asked the question.

"How much did Josh tell you?"

Willy looked over at me, realizing the jig was up. "He just texted me last night that you'd had a tough couple of days. I figured I'd get you out of the house a little earlier than planned. Plus, and this is the truth, I wanted to spend some time with you alone."

"Well, I'm glad man. It got a little rough after we talked Monday, but I'll fill you in."

We drove out to the lake on Willy's ranch. His father had just recently had it stocked and had drilled a well so he could replenish it during a drought. The damn thing was huge, probably 30 acres, much larger than the lakes and ponds on my family's ranch.

There was a dock on it that had a couple of jet skis and a pontoon boat that his father used to fish. That's what we ended up floating around on while we fished.

We'd been out on the water for, maybe, 10 minutes before he asked the question. "Tell me what happened?"

"OK, but I need to swear you to secrecy man... I haven't told ANYONE about this, because it'll just lead to more shit. If you don't think you can keep it to yourself, please tell me now and I'll clean up the story."

Willy took a big gulp out of a can of Coke, then looked me square in the eye and nodded.

"Well, Monday night after we talked, I went to get something to eat and walked in on my sister and father watching the end of Titanic. I sat down and watched it with them, not even thinking, and it triggered a panic attack."

"Titanic?" he asked.

"Yeah, Willy... the scene at the end when Jack dies?"

"Oh, shit..."

"Yeah. All week, little things, big things, all of it would trigger something. It's been getting better, but it's not like it's gone away completely. Nights have been really bad and Thursday night, I scared the hell out of myself."

"What happened," Willy asked breathlessly.

"Dude, I usually curl up in bed with Henry and pretty much cry myself to sleep. Thursday, I wasn't able to fall asleep at all, so I got up to take a piece of a Xanax. After I cut the pill, I brought the scissors up and in the back of my mind I thought about ending it because then I could be back with Toby."

"Oh, fuck..."

I hung my head, "Yeah, and I broke down. I was sobbing so hard, I actually threw up and passed out on the floor."

Willy didn't respond. I took a few seconds before I looked over and realized he was slumped over crying. I got up and moved over to him and he hugged me about as tightly as he ever had.

"Don't... you can't... FUCK!" he screamed, pushing me away ... and straight into the lake.

It took me a second to right myself and break the surface only to hear him screaming, "Oh, fuck, Rob! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." and I just started to laugh which made him start to laugh.

I swam close to the boat and held up my arm so he could grab it and help me back onto the deck of the boat. We stood there for a second, breathing hard and laughing, before he sat down, facing me.

"Willy, I'm so sorry to dump this on you. I'm not going to hurt myself, you don't even have to ask me to make the promise. But I can't talk to anyone else about it because they'll think it's real. You're probably the only person I can tell... If I tell my mother, Josh, Cat, or my father, it'll turn into a whole other thing."

He just sat there, staring blankly at me, for a minute, "I get it and I'm sorry for pushing you in the lake, I really didn't intend to. I,uh... well, you're my best friend and I couldn't help but freak out." He stopped, looking at his hands, then bringing them up to his head and letting out a frustrated groan as he rubbed them against his skull. "I believe you...and I'll keep the secret."

A wave of relief washed over me, "Thank you."

We talked a lot more that morning and early afternoon, about everything. It was a good day and I realized, as he dropped me back at my mother's, that I was having more of those, Thursday night notwithstanding. Giving up... it wasn't a real option. It would hurt everyone I left behind and I owed it to my future self to keep going.

I checked my phone as soon as I got back and saw a message from Arya that he had called a prescription into my pharmacy so I called my father and asked him to pick it up. Something new, Arya had written back to me, that would help 'all around'.

That night we went to a party over at Glenn Reynolds which ended up being a lot of fun. I was apprehensive at first, not wanting to deal with all the well wishers and 'I'm so sorry for your loss' people, but it turned out to be a lot of fun and helped relieve some pressure.

When I got back to Plano on Sunday, the house was empty and there was a note next to a bag on the kitchen island. The note was from my father, he was on a date, and the bag contained my meds, Lexapro and some more Ambien.

Over the next week the Lexapro started making a difference. I only needed an Ambien twice and I felt better. It wasn't a panacea, it along with the therapy I was already doing, was helping me DEAL with what I was feeling without being overwhelmed. I was still sad when I thought about Toby, but I was getting better. I wasn't just holding it together better, I was REALLY getting better.

The rest of April things continued to improve. Practice started going well, I played a little more in each game, and started to feel OK again. The times where I would break down were almost non-existent and while something might make me pause, or even tear up a bit, I held together no matter what was said. I knew it was what Toby would have wanted. It was a fight, I won't lie, but it was one I was going to win.

Still, there was something missing. Him. He was gone. I had help now dealing with that pain, but the loneliness was something else entirely. And my new normal was every bit there. I'd thought the Lexapro might make me a little more like my old self, but it didn't. It kept me right where I was now used to being, softer. For example, as I walked past Dornier one afternoon, he mumbled something and I didn't even respond. What would have been an automatic smartass reply, just wasn't. Quick comebacks just weren't me any more. I'd never really been mean in the first place, but if someone was nasty I could usually come up with something to make them shut up. Now, it just felt futile and I decided not to waste the time.

April also featured far less Jack. For some reason, Friday and Monday had become extended weekends for him. When he showed up one Tuesday morning toward the end of the month, I asked what he'd been up to and he just smiled and shook his head, telling me with the gesture 'you don't want to know'.

Linda called at the end of the month to let me know they were going to do a brief ceremony at the gravesite when they put up the marker. I told her without hesitating that I'd be there.

The 29th of April ended up being a beautiful day. People started to gather around 1pm near the gravesite and began to make their way to the marker which was covered with a sheet. This was my first visit here. I'd thought about it a number of times, during the last two months, but I'd chicken out and/or put it off for some reason. It was so stupid of me and disrespectful, but I knew being there would make it all just a little more real and I didn't need more real in my life.

The priest who'd spoken at Toby's funeral was talking to Linda and David as I walked up. Linda introduced me as Toby's fiance and he shook my hand, telling me how sorry he was for my loss. I thanked him and I thanked him for the wonderful job he'd done at the funeral.

He said a few words before the workmen pulled the sheet off the stone and it was really gorgeous... gray granite, unfinished, with gold etched words chiseled into the rough face.

TOBIAS ANDREW MARTIN BELOVED SON – BROTHER- FIANCE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS 1994-2012

I let out a small gasp and gripped my father's hand tightly. I hadn't expected the word fiance and once again, what I'd lost hit. I didn't start ugly crying, but there were tears. By that point, I was a couple weeks in on the Lexapro and I was thankful I had it in my system or that day would have been a lot rougher.

After the brief service, people milled around for a bit paying their respects as I stood with the Martins. When they left, Linda asked if I'd like to come over for dinner later and I told her I would. I told my father I needed some time and he walked back to the car with the Martins as I stood there.

"Oh, Toby,"I started, sniffling a bit, "I know you're in heaven now and I just want you to know that I love you still and I always will. If you can, find Charlie. He came to see me once and I hope he can teach you how to do that, because I miss you so much. I didn't have a chance to say goodbye..."

I straightened up as much as I could, then started back to the car before noticing someone walking in the direction of the grave a couple of dozen yards away.

Jack.

I ran over to get in his path and he stopped.

We stood, looking at one another, for maybe a minute before he spoke, "I'm sorry, Rob."

I hugged him as tightly as I could, "I'm sorry, too." I pulled back and looked up into his eyes. "You needed some time alone with him, didn't you?"

He nodded, his chin wobbling just a bit as he clearly stifled a sob. "I didn't want to upset everyone by breaking down..."

"It's OK, man. I get it. Take your time."

I hugged him again, then turned to walk back to the truck.

Later that evening, I asked the Martin's if they'd talked to Jack and Linda said he'd come by occasionally, but that he never stayed very long. He always 'checked in', making sure everything was OK. Reese volunteered that he'd spent some time tossing around a football with him, but that was pretty much it.

Two more weeks would pass before I finally asked Mark about him. In early April, we'd finally realized we could be around one another again without causing a crying fit. I told him it was the meds, he just laughed and said it was because he'd finally understood that I was one of the few links to his best friend and that, as such, I was important to him. The best friend helping out the grieving widow. It was really sweet, even if Molly did think it was a little 19th century.

I'd been so consumed with school and baseball, that aside from talking to Jack at school I hadn't seen him much. That night, the subject came up with Mark who hadn't seen much of Jack either, but he wasn't over worried.

"He's always been so independent and with the...the..." he hesitated, looking at me to make sure I got where he was going without having to say the words.

"Yeah. I know," I said.

"I think he's working out some of the emotion he's carrying. Toby told me months ago that he thought Jack was angry at the world and that was why he was doing what he was doing, that it was a way for him to vent without hurting anyone close to him."

"Probably," I said. "He looked pretty torn up when I saw him at the marker service..."

"HE WAS THERE?" Mark shouted. That set me back a bit.

"Well, yeah. I ran into him when I was leaving. He looked pretty upset and said he'd waited because didn't want to break down in front of everyone."

Mark sat there for a second, then said, "Oh, fuck. I feel like shit," as he ran his hands through his hair. "I got on his ass for not coming."

"He didn't tell you he was there?"

"No, he just took me chewing him out. Fuck. I'm such an ass."

I sighed, "No, you're not, but you have to understand what you mean to him, REALLY mean to him. He loved Toby AND you. He'd never scream at you in a situation like that, he loves you too much. Just call him and tell him you talked to me and that you're sorry, he'll be fine."

Mark just nodded his head, clearly understanding for the first time the real nature of his friendship with Jack.

Early May was pretty much a blur with school and baseball. I was getting better, until Wednesday, May 16th. . The day started off pretty well, I was in a genuinely good mood and had been most of that week. I was playing again with a sort of consistency and I was sleeping. I'd had an attack earlier in the week, but it had been minor and very manageable. I felt like I was coming out of the darkness... I was going to grieve for a while, I knew that, but I was really feeling, I don't know, RIGHT for the first time since February.

Then I hit lunch.

While we were sitting at the table, David got a text and looked at his phone. Not at all unusual and I barely noticed it until he said "OH FUCK!"

He tried hiding it, but everyone insisted thinking it was something gross/cool/sexual. He just looked at me and teared up, and I KNEW something was wrong. I asked him what it was and he just sat there, looking at his phone.

Julian spoke up, angry, his phone in his hand. "Oh, hell... it's a video of you being pulled out of Toby's car."

I got up and stood there for a second, suddenly aware that three quarters of the cafeteria had their phones out and were looking at them, or me. My head started to pound and sucking in air felt like a challenge.

I glanced at Carter and breathlessly said, "I have to get out of here now."

I walked as quickly as I could to the bathroom closest to where I had Algebra 2, found a stall and for the next ten minutes I worked on breathing and staying calm. I was only crying a little, but I was damn angry and frustrated... who the fuck videos the aftermath of an accident and posts it to YT? Why on earth would someone do that?

I went on to class when the bell rang and Julian and David were nothing but apologetic. I told them I would be OK, just needed time to process things. Through the rest of the day, I got some of the strangest looks from people, walking down the hall and in class, like they were expecting something. When I got to baseball, Carter and I talked a little about it.

"Did you watch it?" I asked.

He didn't even turn to look at me, "Yeah, I did," he said, tearing up.

"I remember it," I told him, flatly.

We sat there for a moment in silence, before he turned to me, tears falling down his cheeks, "I knew you loved him and I knew he loved you. I know it's been hard losing him, but until I saw that... I didn't really understand what it all meant, what it's really been like for you." He brought his hand up to his eyes, as he bent his head.

I wanted to let go right then, but I knew I couldn't. I was going to get better. I needed to, for myself, for my friends, for my family. This, what was happening to Carter, would likely hit a lot of people who knew me the same way. I couldn't let it drag me back down, I just couldn't. I needed to be strong.

I could cry when I got home.

I put my arm around him and told him it was OK. It took a little while but he straightened up and apologized.

"For what?" I asked.

He stopped, wiping at his eyes, "For breaking down like that and for not realizing what you were dealing with sooner."

I hugged him, "Carter, I love you man and you don't need to apologize for a thing."

I was pretty stoic during the rest of practice, holding it all in, and coach had me in left field toward the end. Stewart Rankin, one of our star batters, hit one right to me and I got under it, brought up my glove and prepared for the catch.

I saw the ball coming down clearly, I was lined up perfectly, and I smiled knowing I was going to get it. And then the damn thing altered course, just slightly, and hit me square in the forehead. I went down hard but for only a few seconds. That was all the time they needed.

I woke up at the idealized version of the land Charlie's grandmother lived on. I slowly stood, not a hint of pain from being beaned in the head, and walked toward the pond where Charlie was standing. I got about five feet from him and he turned around with a big smile on his face. He walked toward me and embraced me strongly. It was like he hadn't changed a bit since 7th grade, but there was a strength to him that didn't exist before. And something else. I couldn't put my finger on it; I knew it was Charlie, but he wasn't the same guy he'd been three years ago in the dream I'd had after he died.

"Hey Rob, it's good to see you!" he said.

"The same here, Charlie! Why'd you pull me here?" I asked.

"Well, there's someone who wanted to speak to you," and with that last word, I felt the tap on my shoulder. My anxiety level went through the roof as I stood there, my heart beating like a rabbit.

Charlie just smiled at me and touched me, "It's OK, man."

I turned around slowly to see Toby standing there, looking as handsome as ever. He was wearing jeans and a t shirt and he looked every bit the man I'd fallen in love with.

"Hiya, babe," he said, grabbing me into a hug that melted every bit of tension away.

I started to weep. I just couldn't do anything else. I wanted so badly to tell him how much I loved him and missed him, but I couldn't do anything but grab him tightly and cry. The feel of his arms around me once more was so completely overwhelming that I couldn't do anything else.

I must have gone on for a few minutes with him constantly stroking my back and the back of my head telling me the whole time it's OK. Once I calmed down a bit I realized I had basically leapt into him and my legs were wrapped around his waist. I physically couldn't let go. I even remembered the first time I'd done that, the night Wade Allison had showed up at Marks.

I heard him say, "It's OK babe, just let it out. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not letting go."

I finally straightened up enough to pull back and look at his face. I'd long ago memorized every feature on that face and I could clearly make it all out. I knew it was him and I broke into a smile that made him grin.

"Seeing you smile again is so wonderful."

I looked at him clearly, "Where have you been? I kept expecting you to show up in a dream or something and it never happened."

"I was a mess when I got here. It's hard to explain but my mind wasn't complete. I was still holding on to life and it was hard to let go. I didn't want to leave you and my mind couldn't accept that I was gone. Those last moments in the car, when I knew I was going to die, were all about you and making sure you were going to make it. I...I... just couldn't let go.

It was Charlie who saved me, but it's taken time. I'm sorry about the ball, but I needed so desperately to see you and talk to you. You know I'll always love you, but you have to go on living."

I sighed, "It's so hard, Toby. I miss you every day and it's like a pain that won't quit. I think I'm getting better, and then something comes along and knocks me back on my ass. Everything reminds me of you and half the time I want to break down..."

"But you don't..."

"No, because I know I can't. Cat and the rest of my family are heartbroken and seeing me disintegrate would crush them. Plus, I know it's not what you would want so I'm trying hard to be strong, but it doesn't always work. I even thought...about..."

He just smiled at me, "I know. And I also know, it's something you'd never do. I only want you to be happy and I can't see you like this any more. I'm gone. There's no chance I'm coming back and you need to live. The only thing that will make me happy is seeing you smile again and you have that opportunity."

"I'm trying, Toby, I promise I am," I said, desperately.

"No, you're not. You're holding on to me and you need to let me go. You're ignoring someone who cares as much about you as me and the pain they're in. Someone with whom you don't have to be strong."

"What are you talking about?"

"Not what, who. Jack. He lost me and he's lost you as well. When I told you to rely on and trust Mark and Jack, I meant it, but I wasn't clear. Jack loves you so much and you're not even giving him a chance."

"A chance?"

He just nodded, still smiling.

"It's like betraying you..." I started to say before he interrupted me.

"No, it's not. I'm gone. We'll be together again when you come here, but it's a long way off. There, you have someone who loves you desperately and whom I know you care for, though you've been lousy at showing it. This is important, to both of you. You both share the pain of my loss and, though you don't realize it, the ability to find comfort and love in each other. He's never going to be me, but that's not what you need now. You need him."

I sighed, burying my face in his neck, breathing in his scent before I finally released him. "It'll just hurt him because I'll never be able to love him the way I love you."

"Of course not. What we had was special, but what the two of you could have together will also be special. You'll know I'm right once to take the leap. Trust me, it will be worth it."

Charlie interjected, "He's got to go back now. I'm sorry this was so short, but it was the best we could do."

I wiped my eyes, "It's OK Charlie. You've given me more than you realize."

I hugged Toby once more, as tightly as I could.

"Remember what I said, I need you to be happy. Please take that chance with Jack."

And with that I felt myself fading away only to hear the snap of David's fingers and him saying 'WAKE UP, ROB' and my eyes opened. I was in pain but I also felt this tremendous sense of relief. Then I remembered. Jack. He's hurting because he's lost Toby and because he can't bear the pain I'm in.

It never occurred to me, until that moment as the guys lifted me off the ground, that there was someone hurting more than me. Someone who not only felt Toby's loss, but also felt my own. Someone who had to be aching and through it all had done nothing but offer unconditional support.

Jack.

The sense of shame at that moment was overwhelming and I started to cry because not once in all my grief had I ever given thought to how he was feeling. Sure, I'd considered it superficially, but I'd never cared what he'd been going through, just casually accepted his aid and support without ever once offering to be his shoulder to cry on. Carter and David, who were helping me back to the dugout, didn't say a thing. They got me inside and Coach came over to check me out as I quietly cried.

"Son, it's OK... it looks like the ball hit you pretty good but I don't think there's anything wrong. I want you to sit here the rest of practice. Vinklowski?"

Chuck piped up, "Yeah, Coach?"

"Watch him,"Coach said, pointing at me as he went back up to the field.

Practice ended about 30 minutes later and I got cleaned up, then drove straight to the Martin's. I didn't even knock on the door, I just barged right in to find Mrs. Martin in the kitchen. I said hi to her and she gave me a hug. At that point Reese came in and noticed me.

"Hey Rob," he said, giving me a hug. "You OK? You look like you tried to catch a ball with your head."

"Yeah, just needed to talk to your mom about something."

"Honey, dinner will be ready in about 30 minutes." Linda said, making it clear she wanted some privacy.

"OK," Reese said, walking away.

We sat down at the breakfast table and Mrs. Martin just looked at me and said only one word, "Spill."

I told her about practice. I told her about Toby. I told her about the dream that wasn't a dream. I unloaded it all through tears and watched her cry as well. It was one of the most painful things I've ever done. Well, the second most painful. The worst was having to tell them what Toby had said right before he died.

"You know what you have to do," she said, with a finality to it that shocked me.

"But I'm terrified..." I replied.

"You don't get to be terrified. The one thing that has given me solace through all this was that my son loved and was loved in return and that, at the end, he wasn't alone. He may have been ripped from us far too soon, but you were there with him and I'm so thankful for that.

But, and I want you to feel this in your bones, YOU need to go on. You have someone who cares for you as much as my son did and it's time you made peace. Toby is gone and it's time for you to move on. He's asking you to do this, to honor him, by living." She paused, smoothing out a napkin on the table, then looked back up at me.

"Honestly, I can't bear to see you so sad any more and I can only imagine what it's doing to Toby, wherever he is. Sorry, kiddo, but you don't get to be scared."

I got home that night and after dinner I finally gathered up the courage to call Jack. I told him I needed to talk to him Friday night and that whatever he had planned he needed to cancel. He didn't argue, didn't even offer a weak objection. He just said OK and told me to come over about 8.

On Friday, Jack was once again on holiday for which I was thankful because it allowed me to think through what I was going to say and do. I needed this to be right and throughout the day I just amped myself up, well in excess of the capability of the meds to keep me calm. But I was OK with it. For the first time in months, I felt a sense of purpose.

I didn't know what was going to happen, but I needed to tell him how sorry I was that I had so blithely taken all he could give without even thinking about how he was feeling. I also realized, acutely, there was truth in what Toby had said...I could love him. He'd been so good to me, so sweet and caring, and while I didn't realize it as it was happening, I sure as hell did that day. And I loved him for it. Would it be enough to build a relationship on?

I was really nervous as I drove over to his house. He'd texted earlier to ask what I wanted to do and I told him it would be good to grab something to eat, then go somewhere and talk. I was kind of thinking of this as a date at this point. One thing that was crystal clear from my talk with Toby was that the time to grieve was over. I wasn't ready to jump into Jack's arms and get married, and while I trusted Toby (even his ghost), I still wasn't completely sure Jack was my future. Thus, the nervousness. I knew one way or another, tonight had the potential to be a big deal.

I pulled into his driveway, got out, and walked to the door. I got about ten feet from it, when Jack emerged. Now, I have to be honest, I've always thought Jack was hot as fuck, but that night he was really something else, dressed casually in a t-shirt that was clearly old and a pair of shorts that were, well, filled nicely.

It was the first time I remember being attracted to Jack. There's a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them, which is the point I'm laboriously trying to make here. My feelings and thoughts changed the moment he walked out of the house. It was like a switch flipped in my head and for the first time since Toby died, I felt alive.

"Hey," he sheepishly said. "I fell asleep so I'm kinda out of it."

I smiled, "It's cool. Come on!" and I started to walk back to the truck.

We got in and I was suddenly nervous. I just sat there for a bit.

"You going to start the car?" he asked with a grin.

"Yeah," I said, smiling. "Where do you want to go eat?"

"Mesomaya?" he suggested.

"Sounds good."

YES, it was really awkward. I knew I should be relaxed since it was Jack after all, but I felt weird. I was anxious, but not in a 'There's an attack coming' kind of way. I just, I don't know, felt a sense of purpose that had no thought attached to it. I knew this is where I wanted to be, and I understood why, but I had no idea how things were going go.

Dinner was calm and peaceful. We talked about school, I asked how things were going and he just grunted, smiling, and said, "Next topic."

When we were done, I asked him if there was some place we could go to really talk. He suggested back to his house since his mother was out of town that weekend helping her much older sister who'd just had a hip replaced.

When we got there, he pulled two beers out of the fridge and we went to his back patio, sat down and then silence. It was a really calm, peaceful night, filled with the sounds of a late spring evening in Texas. I took a deep breath, then slowly exhaled.

I clasped my hands together in front of me as I leaned forward, elbows on my knees, "I need to apologize to you."

"For what?"

"You've... well, it's just... I feel like I have really taken you for granted with everything that's gone on."

He sighed, "Rob, we've both had a lot to deal with, but what you've been through is a lot worse..."

"Yeah, I lost my fiance and that's kind of the point I'm trying to make here. You lost your best friend and then had to take care of me after. It's been pure hell for both of us and I never told you, well, that I really appreciated it. I also feel terrible because I wasn't even thinking about your pain, I was too wrapped up in my own and I just feel awful about it."

"You shouldn't... look, what we went through was bad but you're clearly coming out the other side. I saw it, at the beginning of last month, and I realized you were going to be OK. I took some time to deal with things, and I'm getting better myself."

"I know, but..."

"Rob, I'm not like you. You needed help, you needed people to be there for you and I know that hasn't in the past been easy for you to admit and accept. I just didn't. I am begging you not to feel bad for some imagined wrong. You getting better was what mattered and then I could deal with my own pain."

"God, that seems so sad, Jack."

"It's not. Trust me. I've never told you what it was like when my dad died, did I?"

"Just that Toby and Mark helped get you through it." I responded.

"Mark did. He was really good, but Toby was like a brother. We'd been close since we were kids..."

I laughed, "Yeah, he told me about the bully."

Jack smiled, "That guy was such an asshole. You know he goes to East, right?"

"No! Toby only told me about the fight."

Jack laughed, genuinely, like it was coming from some long untapped reserve, "Well, it wasn't much a fight. I was really small, even for 1st grade, and he was a big kid, bigger than even Toby at that point. All he had done was hassle me a bit and when he didn't get his way, he pushed me down. So Toby ran toward him and pushed him down."

"What happened?"

"He looked shocked, like he couldn't believe it. Then he started to cry and a teacher came over. So Toby helps me up and we explain what happened. The teacher was just irritated by the whole thing and told us all to get along or she'd send us to the principals office. Being kids, we of course thought that was the worst thing in the world, so we all shook hands and parted ways." He paused for a second, looking out into his yard, "Toby was my hero that day. In fact, Toby was my hero a lot of days." He finished, wiping at his eyes. "When my dad died, I internalized a lot. I had Toby and Mark, but I kept a lot of it inside and I just learned to deal with things that way, because I could. That's how I'm wired."

I sat there thinking for a moment, "I never asked, but how did Toby react when you came out to him?"

"What makes you ask that?"

"Honestly, it was something I was curious about and I never got to ask him."

He sniffed a bit, "It was after my father died. There was one afternoon when he was over, trying to get my mind off everything, and I blurted it out."

"Just blurted it out?"

Jack cleared his throat, clearly emotional, "We'd been playing a game in my room. I'd gotten up to get something and that was when I told him. I just kind of unloaded... man, I was in 7th grade, I was overwhelmed by my father's death, and I just didn't want to pretend anymore. I'd known for a long time and I just felt like I needed to tell him, so I did. He didn't do anything for a second, just kept playing the game. So I told him again, 'Toby, I'm GAY'. Still no reaction for about 30 seconds before he said 'YES!'. Then he paused the game, got up, walked over to me and hugged me."

"He didn't say anything?" I asked.

"Nope, just hugged me. And I started to cry," he said.

At that point, I started to tear up remembering my time with Toby on Wednesday in the dream. Toby was always so good about knowing what to do when someone was emotional. No matter how beaten or picked apart you felt, he could hold you and put you back together.

I must have been in my own world for longer than I thought, because Jack said, "Rob, are you OK?"

I smiled back at him, "Yeah, I am. I, uh, was just thinking about..."

"It's OK, man." he said, a knowing smile on his face.

We ended up talking, and drinking, until I realized it was close to 1230. I stood up to go and realized I was very much not in driving shape.

"Why don't you stay here tonight?" Jack asked.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I am. I'm not letting you drive."

I smiled, "OK, let me call my father." Jack went inside and I took out my phone and told my father Jack has asked if I could spend the night and he told me it was fine, no argument or questions. I know I was slurring just a bit, but I didn't volunteer the reason.

Jack came back out with two more beers, handing one to me. "Thanks. I can't believe your mother lets you drink..."

"She doesn't. Well, she doesn't mind an occasional beer. I got this for the weekend knowing she was going to be gone. Figured it might be nice to sit and relax here."

"You didn't have.... uhm, other plans?" I asked.

"No. I... well, I'm taking a break from that for a bit. We're in good shape so I can just be me for a while."

"You know he was always worried about the fighting?"

He took a long pull of his beer, "Yeah, I know. I loved him for it, but I needed that. I needed the money but I also needed the outlet."

"I thought that might be the case."

He smiled at me, his eyes glistening, "Yeah, Toby told me about your conversation the night y'all came down to see me fight. You were pretty close, actually."

"Toby told you about that?" I asked.

"Oh yeah, also finally came clean with me on why you were with him," he said, winking at me. "You were doing it thinking he might be more cautious if you were there, weren't you?"

"Yeah," I responded softly, without even thinking about it.

"He didn't believe me when I told him that..."

"When did the two of you have this conversation?" I asked.

He blanked for a second, then I watched him tear up. "When we were out picking up the rings."

I closed my eyes, and swallowed hard.

"He loved you, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I loved him, too." I said. "But I also know I've got to let him go..."

"It's going to be hard as hell, but you're right. We both do..."

"Jack, I..." I started to say but then my throat caught. I remember thinking how much easier it would be if I just stuttered when I got anxious.

"What? Rob, are OK?" he asked, getting up and walking over to me. I just sat there, trying to make sound come out of my mouth, then I felt his hand on my back and it was pure warmth. I looked up to see him looking at me, his face full of concern, and I realized Toby was right.

I felt myself take a deep breath and finally said, "I have feelings for you."

He looked at me and his concern slowly turned to what I can only describe as a curious smile, "What did you say?"

I spoke again, more clearly this time, "I have feelings for you."

"What? How?" he asked, looking completely lost.

"Over the last few months. It's something I didn't even pick up on, but Toby pointed it out to me."

"WHAT?" he asked, loudly, clearly shocked.

I told him about what had happened on Wednesday, about my conversation with Toby and Linda. All of it. He listened, intently, settling back into his chair.

"You don't think that was real, do you?" he asked.

I stood up, indignant. "Yes. It WAS Charlie and it WAS Toby. When Charlie died he came to me. I never told anyone, except my cousin and Josh, but I knew it was him. He also showed me something... he didn't tell me what it was, but he left with me a recurring dream..."

"What was it?"

"A glimpse of my future. Well, at the time it was my future, now it's my past. It was the moments leading up to when Toby and I first met."

"So you're completely sure that the experience you had on Wednesday was..."

"Real? Absolutely."

He sat in silence for a while and I sat back down.

"I felt awful about how I treated you after that conversation. I took all you could give and never gave you anything in return. I knew I had to make that right, I had to be there for you, but I wasn't completely sold on what Toby told me about you until tonight."

"What happened tonight?"

"You walked out the door and for the first time since Toby died, I felt...something."

"For me?" he asked, hesitantly.

I smiled, my eyes starting to water, "Yes."

We talked a little more but I was used up. Getting that out took a lot out of me and it wasn't long before we decided to go to bed. I followed him back into the house and just stood there, watching him, as he cleaned up and shut off the lights, then I followed him silently back to his room. I hadn't even thought about sleeping arrangements, but when we walked in, I just started to strip off my clothes, leaving on my boxers, and climbed into bed. It wasn't the beer, I knew that. I needed to be with him. I didn't want to be alone.

I could feel his eyes on me as I undressed and I'm sure he didn't know what to think. I was hoping he wouldn't say anything. And he didn't. He just stripped down and got into bed behind me, pulling me to him and spooning me as if he knew it was what I needed.

For the first time in months, I let go and sank into the feeling of his warmth at my back and his breath on my neck, then a soft kiss as he settled. I didn't say anything to him, I just fell asleep.

I remember a dream I had that night, of Jack and I, together. We were sitting in a room I didn't recognize, I think it was an apartment, on a sofa watching a movie. I didn't recognize the movie, all I really remember was the feel of him holding me as I laid back on him while we watched it together. I felt happy.

The next morning, I woke up on my own due to the light coming into his room from the window. At first, I was a little disoriented, either from the beer or the discussion (or both), but it didn't take me long to remember where I was. And then I saw Jack, sitting on a chair a few feet from the bed, watching me. He was smiling, but he looked a little worried about something. I just smiled at him and said, "Good morning" and I could see the worry or whatever it was melt off.

"Did you sleep ok?" he asked.

I stretched out, yawning, "Yeah, but I'm still tired. What time is it?"

"824" he told me.

"Come back to bed,"I asked, "It's the weekend and we can sleep for at least another hour."

His grin got really wide as he got up and walked over to climb back into bed behind me. He started to say something and I just responded, "Please don't. Let's enjoy this right now... we can deal with reality when we actually get up."

I don't think he slept, but I very quickly fell back to sleep, only to wake up to an empty bed, and room, a little over an hour later. I could also smell food and I realized I was hungry.

I got up and pulled my clothes back on, then shuffled down the hall toward the kitchen, taking my time to look at pictures on the wall, of his family. He really took after his father.

When I got to the kitchen, I just stood there watching him work. It took me, I don't know, maybe 2 minutes to realize what he was doing as I saw him start to place things on a tray. I tried sneaking back out and down the hall, only to have him catch me.

"Damnit, I knew I wasn't going to be quick enough."

I turned, laughing, "I can go back and climb in bed!"

"Nah, this will work just as well. We'll do the other another time." As the words left his mouth, my stomach started to flutter. There would be a next time? The thought made me smile, but he didn't ask about it.

I helped him bring the food to the table and we sat down to eat. At first we were pretty hungry and didn't talk much, but then he dropped the bomb.

"I need to tell you something and I don't want you to get upset."

"What?" I asked, suddenly very anxious.

"You had a lot to drink last night and, well, you may have said something that you regret or don't even remember this morning."

I sat for a second, thinking about how to respond. I decided just to barrel through it.

"No, I remember everything I said and I don't regret a word of it."

He smiled, "Are you sure?"

I reached over and placed my hand on top of his which was shaking ever so slightly.

"Yes. Completely."

He sat back, the relief clear on his face. "OK, then we have to figure out a way..."

"No, we really don't."

He sat for a second, looking at me intently with a kind of curious expression. Toby was so obvious when he was trying to suss something out from what I'd said or done, his head tilting just slightly like it did when he was confused or found something curious. Jack didn't do that, something I would have to learn to read.

"I guess you're right, we can just roll with things?"

"Yep. We need to tell Mark."

"And the Martin's. And our families."

"Yes, but for now, let's just take everything nice and slow."

We finished eating, then I helped him clean up. After, I decided I needed to go home and he looked a little crushed. I walked over to him, hugging him tightly.

As I pulled away, he softly said, "Wait." Then he delicately pulled me back to him with one hand, and with the other pulled my head into position and kissed me. It was sweet, tender, completely affirming, and loving. I kissed back with equal force, hoping I was sending him the same message he was sending me. We were both damaged goods, we both knew it, and we both understood we needed to be careful with one another because no one else would.

And yeah, the kiss sent a thrill through my body that was amazing.

He walked me to the door and asked what time he could pick me up that evening. I told him six would be great, but that he should expect to meet my father first. He smiled broadly.

"Yeah, I remember Toby telling me about that. I'll be on my best behavior."

I laughed, telling him that I'd see him tonight, then walked out the door.

When I got home, I told my father I had a date which perked him up.

"You're ready for that?" he asked.

"Yeah, I am, especially with this guy. It's Jack and he's been through a lot with Toby's death as well. I think it'll be good for us both."

He smiled, "I trust you, kiddo. Is he picking you up or vice versa?"

"You have to ask? I wasn't about to deny you The Interrogation."

He laughed, "OK, so he'll be here...?"

"At six,"I told him. "And I'll be down about 615. Go easy on him," I said as I walked out of the room, "he's a good guy and he cares for me as much as Toby."

Over the next several weeks, we came out to the people who really mattered. Linda and David were really supportive, but Reese was a little weird about it. Cat told me to give him time, he was still working through a lot and I asked her to pass along that we both loved him and were there for him.

Mark, surprisingly, was instantly supportive. He didn't bat an eye about it and the only time he got tense was when he told me he and Jack needed to have a talk. I didn't tell him about the visit I'd had from Toby and Charlie, but he was still very happy about things as long as Jack understood, unequivocally, that if he hurt me, Mark would hurt him. He told Jack that this went beyond the friendship they had, that he felt like he owed it to Toby to make sure I was OK. Jack just hugged him and told him he completely understood.

Memorial Day weekend I went to Ouichita and Jack came down that Sunday to spend the night. He and Josh had already developed a friendship of sorts, with me as the focal point, in the aftermath of the wreck. He was uncertain about things, but I told him how Jack had been and how I was feeling and he said he got it. Both Lane and I knew he was lying, but that Sunday, Josh took him aside for a talk and when they reappeared an hour later he made sure to tell me, "I'm good."

I knew, that weekend, that a lot of people were thinking this was too soon, that I wasn't really ready for it, but they had no idea how slowly we were taking things and they never appeared to give any consideration to the fact that Jack and I had both lost so much and that through that loss we'd found a way to each other. We were pulling each other up, finding the comfort and support we both desperately needed, in each other.

That weekend he told me something that really threw me for a loop, that he'd decided to play football in the fall. He broke the news as we got ready for bed that night.

"Are you sure?"

He smiled, "Yeah, I'm sure."

"But won't this effect your business?"

He walked over to me, placing his hands on my waist, and just stood there staring into my eyes.

"That's over. I can't do that any more now that we're together."

I sighed, "Jack, I can handle it if it's something you need..."

He had this amazing smile on his face, "Financially, I can stop. To be honest, I've been able to stop since last fall. There's enough for me not to have to do that... and the anger I had is just gone."

"Toby?"

"Yeah, once I knew you were going to be OK, I went a little crazy trying to get past him being gone and at one point I just realized I wasn't angry any more. Now that we're together, I know it's not an option."

"OK, I'm not going to argue with you," I said, returning his smile.

That Monday we returned a little early to have dinner with my father and after Jack left I asked if anyone was in the Breckenridge house.

"Why do you ask?" my father replied.

"Because I wanted to go up with Jack for a week or two, if he can do it, next month."

He smiled, "I'm not sure I'm good with it being just the two of you?"

"Why not? We're not kids, dad. We won't burn down the house or have a bunch of wild parties. I just wanted us to have some time together where we could figure things out and see just how comfortable we are with one another."

"You sure you're up to that?"

It was a legit question, one I'd thought about myself. I replied simply and honestly, "Yes."

I still had my moments, but I was pretty much back to normal. The visit from Toby and Charlie, well, it put me back on my feet.

"OK, I'll check on it tomorrow. You know you need to clear it with your mother as well."

"Yes sir and thank you."

Once I got word back from my father that the house would be empty on the 12th, and I got my mother to agree to us being gone, I asked Jack if he'd like to go and he quickly replied yes. His mother was even more enthusiastic, but I think that had to do as much with liking me as getting Jack out of the house for a little while. She knew better than anyone that he deserved some time off from his life.

For the first few weeks of June, Jack decided to start teaching classes at an MMA studio. It was mostly filling in for the folks who needed time off, substituting really, but he really seemed to enjoy it and according to Greg, who was in one of the classes, was really good at it.

There was also the change in his demeanor. He was, I don't know, happier. He seemed like he was enjoying life again for the first time in years. Even his mother remarked about it and clearly thought it was me. I told her, flat out, whatever peace he'd found he'd made on his own, before I was even a possibility. She just smiled at me and nodded, saying "Well, you're entitled to your opinion."

One thing I love about Jack's mother is that she is every bit as much as smartass as he is, clever, witty, and honest. Life dealt her one hell of a shitty hand, but it never beat her.

The morning of the 18th, around 5 am, I picked him up and we took off down the road. We listened to music, we talked, we talked about music, the usual stuff. It was a long drive, made even longer by my constant need for soda and my small bladder which he bellyached about endlessly as I laughed and laughed.

That evening we pulled into the driveway and unpacked the car. My father had asked the rental company to stock the place which they'd done. They'd also locked up the booze, which was pretty funny since neither of us were big drinkers.

I ended up making dinner out of frozen lasagna and then we crashed. I'd originally thought we'd stay in my room, but I took one look at that double bed and realized that wasn't going to work.

We hadn't had sex since we'd been together and I felt completely comfortable with it. I didn't really know why, but I thought Jack would want to be in control of that and I was fine letting him take the lead. While I wanted it, I was also prepared to wait until he felt read. That night, I took a little longer getting ready, then climbed into bed, only to have him pull me to him and spoon me as he had that first night. It kind of reminded me of Toby. Usually he waited until I backed up to him, but Jack didn't. That was about the only real difference. Both liked to hug me tightly, and both kissed me on the back of my neck as they told me they loved me, and both made me feel safe and secure, completely comfortable with them. It was strange, but for all of Jack's roughness, I never felt concerned about him doing something to me. I just knew he wouldn't ever hurt me physically.

Oh, I knew if we broke up it would hurt, even a month in I was attached to him strongly. But I also knew he wouldn't be terrible about even that. If anything happened, we'd part as friends. I knew that part would remain... neither of us would want to hurt the other and damage our relationship. Like with Mark, we were still a link to Toby for each other.

The next day we explored Breckenridge, then went to a store to pick up some things we wanted. That night we planned out some day trips and he insisted on going camping one night. I also told him that I wanted to go into Denver Saturday to hang out with Kami. I'd made my father get a room for us so we could stay there overnight, using the logic that it would be better for us to do that than fall asleep on 70 driving back to the house.

Friday morning we packed up and went to explore Rocky Mountain National Park. Well, not really explore in depth, but just scratch the surface. We ended up camping in the park, then getting up and driving into Estes Park for a late breakfast, then down through Boulder and on to Denver.

That night we met up with Kami for dinner, then went out with her to a club we could get into and spent the rest of the night catching up. I'd told Jack my history with her, which unfortunately made him leery of her at first. Then they started to talk and they got along like a house on fire. Kami was very forthcoming about our history, filling in MANY details I'd deliberately omitted because they frankly made me look really silly. Jack took it all beautifully and seemed to have a really good time with her.

We met up with her girlfriend at a nondescript club near downtown. She was, well, unexpected. She was attractive, but very butch... not at all what I would have thought Kami would go for, but after seeing them together for a few minutes, I got it. They both made a really brilliant couple and Dana ended up being really funny. I couldn't think of anyone more perfect for Kami by the end of the night.

By the time we got back to the hotel, we were both pretty charged up and we barely got through the door before he softly said he wanted me.

I smiled, telling him, "Well, then let's get to work," as I walked to him and began to lift the shirt he was wearing off him.

Physically, Jack was bigger than me but he wasn't as thick as Toby. He's leaner and definitely more cut which made me a little self conscious since I wasn't anywhere near as lean. But, thanks to therapy and at least a sort of healthy body image, I let go of the anxiety and just allowed myself to give into need.

And we needed this. Jack, for his part, had been very active in the past and that had been shut down during the time he'd been with me. Toby and I had been active, but not usually more than once a week when we could find time and a safe place to have sex. Since the accident, I'd completely shut down... I'd only masturbated twice in the almost four months since. That night, however, my engine was definitely overheating.

Jack knew it, too. I'd been, let's just say, a little more than obvious with my hands while we were dancing earlier, obnoxious to the point that Dana had to tell me to cool it. Fortunately, the message was received and Jack was clearly revved up for more.

We stood there, kissing, for what seemed like hours. At first, I was insistent, dragging his head down so that our lips could meet, but it rapidly gave way to his obvious desire to move slowly. He was being careful with me and I found myself wrapped up in it, slowly calming down to match him. It became clear to me, as he slowly undressed me, that he was going to take his time and move deliberately. Whether from his desire to really explore or just to drive me crazy, he was going to set the tempo and I was along for the ride.

What should have been agonizing was anything but as I found myself completely at ease, mentally, for the first time since the accident. Slowly we stripped each other, exploring with our hands and mouths, not rushing but really being there, together, completely enveloped in the moment. There was something that, even now, I'm hesitant to write about because it's so deeply intimate... for all his roughness, for everything he'd been through and had done, he was tender. I can't describe it using any other word. He was so gentle with me, even when he grazed my nipples with his teeth, that it shocked me.

We'd been kissing and caressing one another for so long that when he started to move lower, I thought he was going to move down to blow me while we stood there. Instead, he picked me up and then gently moved me onto the bed, laying down next to me, running his fingers along my skin so lightly it made me ache. It was something Toby had done to me repeatedly and I was certain the two of them, probably years before I'd shown up, had taught one another. That being said, they were both different. As similar as they were when making love, there were subtle differences and it was incredible.

I looked over at him, "That feels amazing."

He smiled, "Just relax and let me make you feel good."

Which I was only too happy to do. He took his time, enjoying the spots he'd already discovered and finding new ones. There were times he'd brush against my dick, a finger or thumb gently rubbing the underside, that sent me to the moon. My balls, he discovered, were also really sensitive to his touch and he had me aching for more.

Thankfully, I didn't have to wait long as he started to play with my ass. Fingers at first, part of his overall exploration, then lingering motions, and finally moving down so he could use his mouth. And he was amazing. Whether it was minutes or hours, I honestly couldn't tell you but his tongue wasn't insistent, it was persistent. Deliciously, deeeeeeeelightfully, persistent and I finally had to tell him, "Jack, please..."

He looked up, with a smile, and made his way to his bag, pulling out a condom and lube. I started to raise up, to put on the condom, but he stopped me with a hand pressing back against my chest.

"But I want to put it..."

"No, I've got it. Just lay back and relax."

He took his time with the lube and worked me with his fingers, opening me back up. I let him go until I felt like I was ready and pushed back on him, raising my head just enough to meet his eyes. I could see the question in his and I silently nodded in response.

He took his time going in and for that I was very thankful. He was very much like Toby, a little longer and maybe not quite as thick but still more than enough to need to be slow and careful. He moved in continuously, giving me time to adjust when I sucked in air a little too sharply, never wavering as he went for his goal, to bottom out inside me.

And when he was completely in, he let out this sigh that was like music. It was absolutely beautiful to me, made more so by the feeling as he worked his hips just slightly, moving maybe an inch or two. It wasn't Toby, but it was every bit as incredible.

After a few minutes, he moved my legs down around his waist, then moved his face close to mine.

"Can you wrap your arms around my neck?"

I responded by doing just that as he snaked his hands beneath me, and then lifted me up. We kissed as he began to slowly pump his hips and the feeling was amazing. It was pure bliss, especially with the friction created by his abs on my dick. The pressure inside me was unbelievable as his cock touched everything. He went agonizingly slow for what seemed like an eternity before he finally began to use his arms to lift me in rhythm with each thrust. I could tell he was close and I leaned forward, whispering in his ear, "I love you," as we came together.

He held me tightly to him, my legs wrapped around his waist as his orgasm subsided, then laid me back on the bed, with him on top of me, and he slowly withdrew his softening dick. He gave me one last deep kiss, then rolled over onto his back next to me.

My body was a mess of misfiring nerves and tingles as I fell asleep, only to wake up later in the night to find myself laying his arms, with him spooned behind me, realizing that he'd moved me and I hadn't even been aware of it.

I snuggled back into him, eliciting a soft moan, then fell back to sleep, saying a prayer of thanks for Jack and for the visit from Toby. Without that, we might not ever have had that night, or even thought about being together. He made it possible by reminding me that I needed to live.

The next morning I woke to light streaming in and I stretched and yawned, blinking my eyes to clear up my vision.

"Good morning." I heard from a deep voice next to me.

I turned my head to see him propped up on pillows, smiling at me.

"Good morning to you," I said with a smile.

He leaned in to kiss me and I brought my hands up to keep him back saying, "I haven't brushed my teeth!"

He laughed, then redoubled his efforts and kissed me deeply, causing me to moan.

After he broke away I asked, "How long have you been up?"

"About an hour."

"You've just been laying there watching me sleep?"

He smiled broadly, like the proverbial cat who ate the canary, "Yeah. It's kind of become a thing for me."

I sighed, reaching up to caress his face, "Toby always liked..."

"... to do that. Yeah, he told me. Now I know why," he said, smiling, as he leaned in for another kiss.

We talked a little longer, then decided that as much as we would love another round, we needed food. We cleaned up and I called to Kami to ask if she'd like to meet us somewhere for brunch. She directed us to Snooze which ended up being the best food we had on the trip.

We drove back that afternoon and stayed in that night, eating crap and watching movies. And laughing. I wasn't just feeling like myself again, I WAS myself again. There were times when I'd catch myself saying or doing something and briefly think, "But what about...". Thankfully, it passed about as quickly as it came into my head. It was pure anxiety and I knew to dismiss it as this was what Toby wanted and more to the point it was absolutely what I wanted.

The next few days were more exploring on day trips. We went into Aspen and ended up going to Neil's house there because I'd never been. He'd wanted us to use it, but I didn't know Aspen as well as Breckenridge. I also took him to Fairplay, the unofficial 'Southpark', which he got a much bigger kick out of than I expected.

Wednesday afternoon we made a grocery store run and when we got back, he took the first load into the house and as I was grabbing bags, I heard voices behind me. Specifically, the Halzin twins, or as Cat and I liked to call them, the Spazlin twins. They were fraternal twins from Houston whose family owned a house in the community. They were a year older than me and Cat and I usually just made fun of them. Occasionally, we'd get into a scuffle but that stopped altogether the summer before I went into 8th grade when we didn't see them.

I turned around to see Ted and Akin looking at me.

"Well, well, if it isn't our old friend Robin," Akin, the taller of the two, said in a whiny voice.

Ted piped up, "I think it is, Ake! And he looks even faggier than usual! Hey Robin, did you finally come out of the closet?"

Just as a point of information, they'd been calling me a fag since I was in elementary. Several broken noses later, they didn't do it nearly as often.

I looked at them coolly... they were both taller than me, but not much heavier. Sure it would be two on one, but I never played that way with them. I always went after one and didn't let up until I saw blood coming out of his face. By then the other had gotten in some good licks, but I could handle him directly and not have to worry about his brother. The problem for them is that they never knew who I was going to go after first.

Those fights never really ended well, which is why I was always surprised when they tried to do something. I think they always felt OK about it because they usually gave me a black eye and bruised me up pretty well. What they never seemed to get, ever, was that it never ended well for them either. And if Cat was around, she'd just start kicking them, usually in the head. I finally realized they just weren't very bright.

"Fuck off, Spazlins. Go find a cat to rape." Hand to God, I have no idea where that came from. Sometimes I surprise even myself.

Akin turned visibly red, "Take that back! We don't fuck cats!"

"Huh? I couldn't hear you?"

Akin, always the dumber of the two, said louder, "WE DON'T FUCK CATS!"

"Really? You might want to say that a little louder. I think there were some folks in Leadville who didn't hear you."

"So, the little faggot wants to play?" Ted asked.

"With you two? No. Beat it, fuckos. I don't have time for your shit."

"Oh? Why not? Do you have your boyfriend with you?"

And just then from further back in the garage, boomed out, "Yes he does," and Jack walked out. He stopped beside me, looking as menacing as possible, "Which one of them asked about me?"

"Jack, don't. Seriously, they're fuckups. Totally not worth it."

"Yeah, Jackie, we're not worth it! What a fag!" Akin said, unable to resist and clearly missing the very real danger to him.

Jack started to move and I got in front of him, both hands on his massive chest. He looked at me with a cocked brow.

"Babe, I mean it. Please don't..."

"Yeah, Jackie, you should really listen to your girlfriend," Ted blurted out.

Jack looked at me with a questioning smile and I could read it...he wanted this and he was going to use some restraint. I moved aside and said, "Go ahead, say hello to the Spazlins."

While they were taller than me, they were shorter than Jack and considerably less development. Not that it would have made a difference. Jack made short work of Akin, knocking him out with one punch, then before Ted could even think about moving his feet, he grabbed his t shirt and pulled him in close to his face.

He growled out at Ted, "Pick up your fucktard brother, leave, and don't ever speak to either of us again. If there's a next time, I'll break your backs and make sure you live the rest of your lives in wheelchairs."

And Ted pissed himself. No shit, just let it go right there. It was good defensive move since it made Jack turn him loose and drop him as he stepped back.

Jack glanced back at me as if asking, 'What the fuck?' and I just smiled and shrugged.

He refocused his attention on Ted, "Maybe you didn't hear me, but I told you to PICK UP YOUR BROTHER AND LEAVE."

And with that, Ted dragged his brother away and down the street as fast as he could.

Jack walked back to me, smiling, "The fuck was that?"

I laughed, "That was the Spazlin Twins. I'll tell you all about them tonight."

We turned back to the car and took the rest of the groceries in. As I went through the door, I closed the garage and looked back out at the puddle on the drive, laughing.

Of course, after dinner I had to call Cat and tell her the story which made her laugh hysterically. At one point she made me give the phone to Jack and he immediately went to the bedroom. He re-emerged a few minutes later with a huge smile on his face.

I took the phone from him and asked Cat what she said.

"That's between us. I love you and I'll see you when you get back."

For the rest of the night I pestered the hell out of Jack to share his conversation with Cat, but he never gave it up.

Thursday we got up and I was feeling a bit off. It was raining and we just decided to stay in, watching movies and just being lazy. It was definitely a new thing for Jack but he adapted pretty well.

Early Friday morning, I got up about 530 to use the bathroom and as I looked at myself in the mirror I remembered something Dr. Foster had said, about writing. I went back into the bedroom, stood at the bed for a few minutes just looking at Jack, then went into the living room. I opened my computer and started to get it all out. At first, it was a rambling mess until I really thought about what Foster had said.

"Write about what led you here and don't leave anything out. It'll help to put it into perspective and help you to deal with things."

So, I opened a new document and began with, "So much has happened in the almost four years since I started seventh grade that writing this seems kind of trite...". I was well into page 16 when I felt Jack's arms around me. I leaned back into his embrace and looked up at him.

"Good morning."

He leaned down and kissed me, "Good morning to you. What are you doing?"

I sighed, "Something I should have started months ago, writing about the last few years and everything that led to the accident. It was supposed to be part of therapy but I just put it aside and never really thought about it."

"Until this morning?"

"Yeah. I got up to the use the bathroom and wound up here. What time is it?"

"A little after 8. I'm going to start breakfast," he said, walking toward the kitchen.

"Want some help?" I asked.

"Nope, you keep working. Just promise me I'll get to read it."

"I promise."

For the rest of our stay, I continued to write and we explored a little more, even going to Grand Junction at one point for some strange reason. Sunday we drove into Amarillo, then stayed there for the night and got up early that Monday, making it home in time for him to teach a class.

Over the last few weeks I've spent time writing and really thinking about where I am now and realizing how unbelievably lucky I've been, to have the friends and family I have.

Throughout our lives, people come and go. Some are just friends, really little more than acquaintances, and some touch our lives so deeply that even the thought of losing them can turn our spines to glass. It's part of being human, to make connections, and live with the consequences of losing someone.

I didn't choose to lose Charlie, that decision wasn't even made consciously by his father. But his loss hurt, deeply. Losing Toby was orders of magnitude worse and I almost lost myself in it. The people we love can disappear in an instant which makes them all the more precious. It's why I never miss an opportunity to tell someone I love them. I want them to know I how I feel.

When I told my cousin Richard I was writing this, he'd asked what I was going to call it. He was the one who suggested the title and I asked him why. He just replied that he was sending me a DVD that I should watch.

It ended up being an episode of Dr. Who, The Family Of Blood. He'd attached a note to it telling me to watch to the end. I vaguely remembered having seen it on BBC America years before, but it never really meant anything to me... until the end. Two boys fighting their way out of a tough spot in France during World War One, the smaller one leading the larger one to safety and suddenly the conversation I'd had with Toby and Charlie when I'd been hit with the baseball made sense. Charlie, represented in the show by the smaller kid, had led Toby back from the abyss. Then the scene cut to the present day, a memorial service in front of some monument and I heard the words coming from the vicar, reading the Ode of Remembrance, which my grandfather read to me at one point when I was a kid. I quickly looked it up online and realized why Richard had suggested that title. While Charlie and Toby didn't die in battle, one died while fighting to keep his grandmother from being hurt and one died in a horrible accident, but not before making sure everyone he cared about knew he loved them. They were young, straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.

They will not grow old as we who are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun, and in the morning, We Will Remember Them

Toby was right about Jack and I can only hope that, wherever he is, he knows that and it brings him joy. What I was afraid of, not being able to love him the way I loved Toby, ended up being completely baseless. Jack isn't Toby and while things are different, what we have is every bit as special and I love him as much as I loved Toby. I'm also different now, softer, and I know how much I need people. I've finally come to accept who I am and the feeling is far from defeating, it is liberating in ways I'd never anticipated. It's freed me from the pain of having to pretend and allowed me to really live.

Thanks for reading! Any comments can be sent to doncornelius69 at yahoo dot com.

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