We Will Remember Them

This story is a work of fiction. None of the characters are real and any similarities between this story and/or any characters in it and real life is purely coincidental.

THIS STORY CONTAINS GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF CONSENSUAL SEXUAL ACTS BETWEEN TEENAGE MALES. IT IS INTENDED FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY! IF YOU FIND THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL OFFENSIVE, OR IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, OR UNDER THE LEGAL AGE TO VIEW SUCH MATERIAL THEN PLEASE READ NO FURTHER.

The author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original story. You may not publish it or any part of it without explicit authorization from me.

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Authors note – Sorry about the length of time between chapters. Work has been very time consuming.

I woke up hard and it took me a while to really feel alert. I felt rested but just kind of out of it, like someone had drugged me and it wasn't completely out of my system. To say I was slow moving would be an understatement.

I finally got dressed by 645 and ambled downstairs to breakfast. I really didn't know what to expect from the day, but I figured I'd be OK. I'd also decided to hell with Chads advice, not to mention my fathers, with regard to coming out. After the weekend, I thought many would know anyway and I'd already decided that playing it on the downlow would just make those who didn't angry once they found out I was gay.

Breakfast was cereal and cinnamon toast which, I have to admit, I liked better coming from my father than my mother. He used too much butter and sugar, so obviously I wasn't going to complain. I also left a note for Mrs. Witsun thanking her for picking up the groceries and to leave the casserole in the freezer alone.

By 7:10 we were in the car and my father had already decided he'd drop me off first. I found a little bench and sat down to read after discovering that the building didn't even open until after eight and that first period started at nine. I 'd been there for about an hour before a pretty large guy came to a stop in front of me.

I looked up and asked, "Can I help you?" while he looked at my face, then his phone, then back at me with a smile.

"Rob Hallstrom?"

Hesitantly I replied, "Yes, and you are?"

He broke into a big smile as he offered his hand, "Seth Nichols. I'm a friend of Toby's. He told me to keep an eye out for you."

He then started typing on his phone, mumbling as he did so.

"What are doing?" I asked, being nosy.

He didn't look up from this phone, "Just letting the other guys know I found you so they can relax."

"Wait a second... the other guys?"

"Yeah, Toby had everyone here playing either JV or varsity on the lookout for you. Wanted us to make sure you had a good day and nobody fucked with you."

I smiled, "Man, I'm so sorry. If I'd known he was going to do that, I would have told him to stop."

"Dude, we're happy to help out. New kids get fucked with all the time, especially new gay kids. And you're one gay guy no one is going to fuck with."

"Hell, I was thinking just knowing Jack would be enough."

"Jack? Jack Reynolds?" he asked, nervously.

"Yeah, I met him Saturday night. Why?" Of course, I knew damn well why, but I wanted to see the reaction myself to gauge just what kind of a rep Jack really had.

He dropped his gaze, "Jack scares the shit out of a lot of people, myself included."

"Have you ever tried to be nice to him?" I asked.

He started, "Yeah, he just looks at me like I'm a pinhead. Of course, I'm probably too nervous when I talk to him so I come across..."

"As a pinhead?" I finished.

He smiled sheepishly, "Exactly. Come on, let's go in so you can meet everyone."

Seth was taller than me and pretty well built, but not as lean as Toby or Josh, more like he was big but covered in just enough football fat to be cozy and not too threatening despite his size. He really seemed like a nice guy, someone who would be as quick to stand up with you as laugh with you.

We walked in and he steered me toward the cafetorium. Once inside, we walked over to what seemed like a small group of people, mostly jocks and a few girls, but as we got closer I realized it was at least forty people. Ethan was there and we bumped.

"Dude, why didn't you tell me Toby was doing this? I could have called him off."

Ethan smiled, "If you were still in Ouichita and Ileana was transferring there, I'd call you and ask you to look out for her. Would you?"

"Of course!" I replied.

"Same thing, and there isn't anyone here who wasn't happy to do it for Toby. Plus, I kind of lied and told them all you were cool."

And I have to admit, that did make me laugh and relax a bit. He introduced me to the group, including new people as they walked up. Right before the first bell rang, I saw Jack walk in and he looked around. I waived at him and he nodded at me, making his way over.

It was kind of comical watching all these very confident and self assured jocks part like the Red Sea before Moses as he made his way to me.

He stopped in front of me, "You need to tell your boyfriend that not all of us are here to act as your personal welcoming committee," he said, smiling at me. Ethan and Carter, one of the guys who played baseball, were standing nearby and laughed along with me. I looked over at them.

"You guys know Jackass? He's under the impression I put Toby up to all this."

He then held his fist out to Carter and Ethan and said, "Sup."

And both of them looked at him in shock. Jack, meanwhile, didn't miss a beat. He looked directly at me, "See, I told you no one likes me."

Ethan was the one who spoke up, "Dude, you got that wrong. We're just not used to you being anything other than dismissive and kinda scary."

That brought a smile to my face and when he finally made eye contact with me I said, "Toby was right again."

Jack rolled his eyes at me and cleared his throat, looking back at Ethan and Carter. "Look, Toby's been on my ass to quit being so anti-social. Honestly, I don't mean anything by it, but the reputation kind of has a way of coloring people's opinions of me, so it's just been easier to keep to myself." He held out his fist again, "Trust me, I know I need to change."

The guys bumped him and he even said hello to Seth and some of the other jocks who were clearly blown away. I mean, it's not every day the Angel of Death comes over to you and says, "Good Morning." A few of them asked if he was going to play football this year and he flatly said no.

The warning bell went off a little while later and Jack asked where I was headed.

"Honors English, Mr. Nasser."

"Me, too."

Seth piped up, "And me."

Jack just smiled and said, "Well, come on then."

We chatted a bit as we made our way down the hall, with Seth saying hey to some people and getting strange looks back ('Who is the new kid with Seth and OMG why is he walking with JACK REYNOLDS?!?!'). It was obvious to me that the rehabilitation of Jack would be pretty easy. People were so shit scared of him they'd be relieved he was actually talking and acting like a normal person they would fall over themselves trying to befriend him.

Which left me. This morning wasn't any serious indication of how things would go for me, but at least I had some friends. Everyone was fairly nice, only got a fake read off a couple of people who seemed less than thrilled with the homo in their midst. The thing is, all of them were doing this because of Toby and Ethan. Time would tell if any of it would stick. I figured Seth would so that meant I had at least three other guy friends at school, four if I counted Carter.

The three of us sat down together and I swear Seth was beaming. I was pretty sure there was some hero worship there, I mean, how could there not be? Jack was a badass in just about every possible way, the kind of guy who in the movies not only destroyed everyone in the bar fight but then picked up the hottest chick there. I knew Seth was straight, that was perfectly clear to me the moment he introduced himself, but I swear he was so puppy'd up over Jack he'd have let Jack fuck him if the request was made.

Seth and Jack were talking about something and I introduced myself to Sally Horwitz, the girl sitting next to me. I also said hi to Janie Sinclair whom I'd met Friday night, as she walked in. And then someone walked up and stood in my front of my desk.

"You're in my chair."

I looked up at a guy who was pretty big, probably about Seth's size but not as built, and who was wearing a scowl on his face that let me know he wasn't pleased at all to be having this conversation with me.

"No he's not, Adam. Go find somewhere else to sit," Seth told him as he stood up.

"The fuck is your problem, Seth? You friends with this guy?"

Seth smiled, "Yeah, I am. So is Jack here," and all eyes turned to Jack who was sitting back in his chair, arms folded across his chest, smirking, while keeping his eyes focused on Adam.

"OK, OK... it's cool. I'll find somewhere else to sit."

Seth sat back down and leaned over to me, "Adam Correnza. Basketball player and kind of a dick."

I laughed, albeit uncomfortably, "Yeah, I gathered. So much for making new friends."

"If he and his boys give you any shit, let me know."

I sighed, "I'm not much of a tattle tale. What I don't get is why he came after me?"

Seth laughed, "That's easy. He has a thing for Sally."

Which she overheard and immediately interjected, "And it's not mutual."

We both looked over at her, smiling. I finally spoke up, "Sorry, I just didn't understand why he picked me to go asshole on."

"Don't worry about it, Rob. He's had a thing for me since eighth and I can't seem to shake him."

"Got it. Well, I promise I won't add to your misery."That got a laugh out of her, for which I was thankful.

"Yeah, I got the scoop on Saturday from some friends. Toby's a really good guy."

I just smiled and nodded back to her as the teacher came in to start class. Seth and I ended up passing notes back and forth, mostly making sure I knew to ask people for help. I told him I might be small, but I wasn't weak. I could handle myself and didn't mind taking a punch. Much like Willy the year before, he wasn't easy to convince and I realized again where I was in regard to the other kids in my age group,small, especially here. I was the kid who was going to get pushed around, not the one who'd be doing the pushing. Unless I made a point of letting people know I wasn't to be fucked with and it had nothing to do with who I knew.

I figured Adam would make a good target and pretty easy to provoke. I just needed Jack out of the way so he wouldn't scare him off. I figured he would beat me up, but I'd definitely hurt him. I just needed to be patient and wait for the perfect time to provoke a response. I started laying the ground work that day by looking over where he was sitting and, after making sure I had his attention, smiling.

'Now that oughta do it' was my thought. Luckily, neither Jack nor Seth picked up on my activities. I wanted this to make a point and for that to happen, I couldn't have them pulled into it. It crossed my mind I should probably talk to Toby about all this, but I dismissed the idea just as quickly since he'd go into full on mother mode if this morning was any indication AND insist I wear riot gear.

Mr. Nasser ended up being a pretty engaging teacher which made the time fly. That and Seth's notes which got progressively funnier. I felt, I don't know, good. More important than Toby asking people to watch out for me was making some friends on my own. That was really important to me as I needed to give this move an honest effort.

Every class had some people I knew, including Speech. Robin was in it with Samantha and they decided to introduce me around. There were a few other mos and some still obviously in the closet, which I could understand given Seth's comment this morning. Still, the class was fun and Samantha and I were paired off as a debate team which I was genuinely excited about. After class, I made my way to lunch and passed Adam in the hall. He didn't notice me and I didn't do anything, just filed away that we'd be close to each other with no Seth or Jack around after Speech. As I got close to the cafetorium, I stopped and sent Toby a text.

Thanks for today and I love you. Can't wait to see you this afternoon. Xo

I walked in and stopped to look at the soda machine. My mother had addicted me to Cherry Diet Dr. Pepper and now everything else just tasted like butt. Finding it, anywhere other than the grocery store, was damn near impossible and the machine proved a disappointment so I got a bottle of water instead.

As I turned around, I scanned the room looking for folks I knew and noticed Carter standing and waiving at me. I walked over and he introduced me to the folks at the table I didn't know, a lot of whom were baseball players so we got to talk (and mostly bullshit) about how good we thought we were, how much we were looking forward to the season and, in general, just being guys.

David McAllister was the one who unknowingly broke the ice on the whole gay thing. Most of these guys hadn't been there earlier that morning, or hadn't been clued in about the events over the weekend.

"So, Hallstrom, which team do you bat for?" he asked, just a hint of smile on his lips. That told me he knew the answer and just wanted to see how I'd handle things.

I just sat back and smiled, "Team Homo. We're always looking for new players if you want to volunteer but I don't know if you'll make the cut since we have pretty strict requirements on size."

That actually got a pretty good laugh out of him, "Fair enough. At least you won't be competing with the rest of us for the limited amount of pussy around here."

I looked around at the other tables, "Nope. And if you need some help roping one in, just let me know. I'm pretty damn good at it." I said in my best East Texas drawl which got a laugh from the rest of the guys.

Carter piped in at that point, "And if any of you are thinking of trying to fix him up, he's already seeing someone."

Julian Singer looked at me, confused, "Wait, you just moved here a week ago? And you're already dating someone?"

I nodded yes.

David asked, "Who is he?"

I didn't hesitate, "Toby Martin."

Julian, who'd been in mid drink, coughed and sputtered, "Toby... Martin?"

"Yes, Toby Martin. Mark Ambrose introduced us at his party Friday and we kind of hit it off."

"Damn. You turned Toby queer in one night?" That was Chuck Vinklowski who is every bit as stupid as the question implies. Carter threw some of his trash at him and David, who was sitting next to him, elbowed him hard prompting Chuck to ask, "What? What did I say?"

Carter spoke up, "Toby was already gay, he just came out. I think meeting Rob here kinda threw it into overdrive."

Chuck started to say something else and I stopped him, "Dude, it's a gay thing. I'll explain it to you later, I promise," which prompted a head nod from him, and some eye rolls from the others. Thankfully the bell rang and so any other uncomfortable questions would have to wait for the next day.

I knew then I was right about coming all the way out. There were already enough people who'd seen us at the parties over the weekend, or whom Toby had dragooned into my welcoming committee, that if I wasn't honest it would have bad implications for myself and others.

Take that lunch table. Carter already knew and I could swear I saw that Andy kid Saturday night. If I'd lied to David, or tried to play it off, it would have been a signal to them something was wrong. Worse, if I'd denied and they'd backed me up, when the truth did out they'd be just as untrustworthy as I had been.

There just wasn't a way around being out now that Toby was in my life.

David and Julian had hung back with me since we were all going to Algebra 2 together. As I was tossing my trash in the can, I heard my name and looked up to see Jack running over. I heard Julian say, "Oh, fuck! We gotta get out of here," and I looked over at him like he was crazy. I'd already forgotten the reputation Jack had while these two guys looked like they were going to piss themselves.

"Relax..." was all I offered to them as Jack got close.

"Hey, anything to report?" he asked.

"Nope. All good. Chuck Vinklowski is kind of..."

"Stupid? Yeah, he's a dumbshit." Jack responded. Then his eyes narrowed, "Did he fucking say something?"

I just snorted, "Yeah, but it wasn't anything big, just confusion on his part. I have to explain how gays are born, not made by other gays. I can already see he's a sweet guy but he's going to be a fucking project," I finished, prompting a smile and laugh from Jack.

"Well, text me if anything comes up..."

"Dude, already promised Seth I'd hit him up if someone fucked with me. He'll be so mad if I text you instead!" and I looked down at my watch. "Shit, gotta go to Algebra 2. Julian and David here have watch duty this period."

Jack just nodded at both of them while saying, "Thank y'all for keeping an eye on him. It's really cool of you both to have his back."

Julian, to his immense credit, managed to reply, "Of course, man. Not a problem at all." David just nodded.

I clapped Jack on the shoulder and started to walk off, "See you out by the parking lot at 430?" and "Yep" was all I got in return.

As we rounded the corner, both David and Julian were about to explode.

"So, you know Jack Reynolds, too??!??!?! What the hell?" David asked through clenched teeth.

I just sighed, "This is kind of exhausting. I'm dating Toby whose best friend is..."

"Mark Ambrose," Julian finished.

I sighed again. "Whose OTHER best friend is..."

They both said, "Jack?" in unison. I stopped, dragging them to a halt along with me.

"Yeah, y'all didn't know that?" I asked, thinking this was just like the place I'd just left and everyone knew everyone's shit, from their cock size to their preferred brand of toilet paper.

David answered, "No, I didn't. Julian?"

"Me neither. It's not like we really hang out with Toby a lot, though."

I shook my head, looking at the floor, then looked back up at them. "Guys, this one's on me. I keep thinking everyone is as tight as the place I came from and that's not the case at all. Toby introduced us Saturday night and someone named Bennett's party. We got along pretty well and Toby was spot on about him being honest and loyal. And, from what I've gathered, pretty fucking brutal."

David's eyes got wide, "You don't know the half of it. I've seen him fight. He's... it's nothing but pure pain unleashed and there's no sneer, no look of enjoyment on his face. It's like he's taking the most efficient route to hurting someone he can in order to win. It's chilling."

"So you saw his fight last year with those seniors?" I asked.

"No, man. I saw him down at a warehouse in South Dallas. Illegal cage fight. My older brother took me over the summer and I saw Jack there. I knew he competed occasionally, I just didn't know he did shit like that on the side. He ripped a dude's arm out of socket, a really big guy, like he'd pull a leg off a baked chicken."

"Well, I don't know anything about that. All I do know is that you're friends of mine and so you're friends of his. Just treat him like you'd treat me, OK?"

"Sure, just like we'd treat you. Right,"Julian laughed, as he rubbed out the top of my hair. "We're the ones you need to worry about. Got it."

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, except for one thing. Adam had History with me. I'd walked in early and was sitting down when, once again, the guy was in front of my desk.

"I think you're in my chair," he said. I looked up to see him smiling.

"Fuck, man. Is Sally even in this class?"

With that, he got bright red and leaned in closely, "How did you know?"

I smiled back at him, not trying to be too obnoxious because I really didn't know where this was leading, "Well, it was either her or Seth and you didn't look like you were playing on my team so I guessed her."

"So, it wasn't because I was too obvious?" he asked, earnestly.

"Actually, no. But you have to realize you are. Especially to her. If you want that to work out, you need to cool it a bit."

He stood back and looked at me, a smile forming on his face. It was like he was processing pros and cons on me and, apparently thinking there were more of the former, stuck his hand out.

"Let's try this again. I'm Adam Correnza."

I stood up and grabbed his hand, "Rob Hallstrom. Nice to actually meet you."

He sat down next to me and as more people filed in, I got to meet some of his fellow basketball jocks and noticed a few people I'd already met. During class, which was taught by a coach who cared as much about history as I do about the NFL draft next year, Adam and I passed notes and I caught him up on me. He seemed a little leery of the gay thing, but was willing to give me a shot. I told him to go fuck himself, which caused him to look at me, then the note, then back at me. All I did was nod to the note like, "It's what I mean."

He finally wrote back, "Sorry, I didn't mean anything by it."

"Yeah, you did. You probably think gay guys can't control themselves around you and it's bullshit. Further, I'm not cool for a gay guy, I'm fucking cool period. You want to be friends with me because of that, not because I can be your token gay acquaintance who doesn't freak anybody out."

He read the note, looked over at me, then started scribbling something intensely. When he passed it back over, I damn near cried.

"Man, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit a button with you and, for the record, I was fucking with you when we first came into class, but when you responded about Sally, then told me what you did, I realized you WERE pretty fucking cool. Please don't read something into what I wrote and I think I meant something I didn't. I don't need a token gay friend, I have an older brother, and I promise you I'm not using you to try to get to Sally."

I just looked over at him, mouthed 'Sorry', then smiled. He nodded back and that was it for the rest of class. Except for the fact that I was overwhelmed with guilt because this perfectly decent guy, who was about as much a dick as your average high school boy, was the one I was going to use (USE) to make a point to the rest of the school about fucking with me. Just because of what happened this morning, I figured 'he'll do' and had decided to try to force him to start something. I hadn't even thought about what others might do to him and the fact that he didn't deserve to become a bit player in some theater I'D decided was necessary, but probably wasn't.

I had NEVER picked a fight with Wes. I had never prompted Wes to act the way he did. I defended myself when he attacked, but what I was prepared to do to this guy was only in order to make my life easier and it never occurred to me that it would make his harder. Or worse, if you throw concern about Jack into the mix.

I felt myself getting nauseous and I stood, slowly, then asked the teacher if I could be excused. I didn't grab the pass, just ran out the door looking for the closest lav. I ran to it, went in, and promptly puked.

Luckily the place was empty and I walked to a wash basin after and clean up as best I could. As I dried my face, I took a good long look in the mirror and decided I needed to be better, because I was better. This place and the people here had treated me pretty well so far and I kind of knew I didn't need to be as scared as I had been. I also knew that if a fight came my way, I'd fight that one rather than playing God with someone else's life.

I was a little shaky as I returned to class, but mostly because I knew what an asshole I'd almost been. Adam asked if I was OK and I just told him something didn't sit right from lunch. I hated to lie but it was so much better than the truth, which I was still getting used to admitting to myself. It's not easy, ever, acknowledging to yourself that you're not the nice, decent person you thought you were.

My last period of the day was PE so I could shift to baseball during the winter and spring. Coach gave us our gear and told us to we'd change out the next day. I was excited because he seemed pretty big on weightlifting and I was ready to get back to work. Carter and I talked the rest of the period with some of the other guys. Carter and Julian both were curious about how the day had gone. Not obnoxiously so, just genuine concern and I really didn't get it, especially over someone they just met.

"Well, I'll be honest with you, I didn't know what to expect but from what an older friend had told me, I was pretty sure I'd get picked on, especially for being gay. Seth kind of confirmed that when we first met this morning, but I haven't seen anything bad yet. It's actually been a really good transition." They both nodded their heads as I finished. Carter started to say something but stopped.

I jumped in on it, "Is this the part where you all tell me you're really lizard people and you're going to eat me?"

Julian just rolled his eyes, "Nah, just that your experience was a little atypical for a new kid given the circumstances."

I just looked back at him and said, "Toby?"

"Maybe, at first, but really Jack. The fact that you got him to actually interact with people has everyone talking."

"Hey, that wasn't me. That was Toby."

"Nah, it was you. I don't know what the hell happened to him, but something changed and it's you. From what I've heard, Toby's been on his ass to be nice to people for years and now he decides to do it?"

I thought for a second, "So, people are being nice to me not because they're afraid of Jack but because they're happy he's no longer quite as dark and threatening? And they think I had something to do with it?"

Carter jumped back in, "Pretty much, though I bet a lot of people are scared he'll beat their ass if they're not nice to you."

"Well, there's something I can do about that. Would you spread the word that's not accurate? I may be a pipsqueak here, but I can throw a punch and I can take one. No one is going to fight my battles."

They were both smiling at me. Julian was the one who finally spoke up, "Why would you want to do that? It's not true. Jack would destroy anyone who touched his best friend's boyfriend. I would beat someone's ass if they hit Ileana. Hell, I'm not that close to Toby, but I'd fight someone who fucked with you."

Carter chimed in, "It's called having someone's back. I'm sure you had friends at your old school like that."

"Yeah, I did. Quite a few in fact, but I made a point to fight my own battles, even when they wanted to get involved. Of course, I've known most of those guys my entire life."

Julian smiled, "Look, we actually like you. And if that means we have to stand up for you, we're cool. But, I won't lie... it helps that people know Jack and you are friends and there's no way we're going to make that stop."

We chatted some more and in the back of my mind, the conversation kept playing. I realized that these guys legit liked me and it had nothing to do with Toby or anyone else. I think it would have happened anyway, but having Toby go into protective boyfriend mode MADE them get to know me better, and faster, than they would have otherwise. And, I was really happy about that.

I also realized my plan to provoke Adam had been completely unnecessary. And, again, I felt queasy.

Luckily, the bell rang shortly thereafter and I went to my locker, packed up, and walked to the door where Jack was waiting.

"Ok, be truthful," he started as we made our way to his truck. "Did today go well or did someone give you a hard time."

I smiled, "It was a really good day, but I have to talk to you about something."

"What?," he asked.

"Your desire to beat people down for me. I can take care of myself for the most part, I don't want you playing protector, OK?"

"OK? With me? I'll think about it. But you're also going to need to clear it with your boyfriend because it's his direction I'm following."

I sighed, "You just can't make a damn thing easy, can you?"

"Nope. Look, this isn't Ouichita. In case you hadn't noticed, you're about 3 inches too short and thirty to forty pounds too light to hit average. I can tell by how you act you've been in a fight and you're not afraid to get hit. I think you could probably come out OK in a fight with most of these guys. But, why should that be the case at all? Why shouldn't you let my reputation work for you? Especially when it's something I WANT to do?"

I didn't have a good answer, other than the one I gave, "Pride." As I said the word, my eyes started to water since I was admitting, functionally, that I wasn't in control of my life. He was right and I was a fool. If I'd moved into Ouichita, what would have happened if I'd gotten cross with Willy? He'd have annihilated me. That was the same with a lot of the guys I grew up with and whose friendship I counted on. THAT was the situation I was in now, a whole bunch of people who didn't know me and might want to mess with me for no real reason. I had some friends ready to stand up for me so why shouldn't I let them? At the very least, it would keep me from another idea like fighting Adam.

We got in Jack's truck and he looked over at me.

"Something else happened and you're not telling me."

"It's actually not like that, it was something I was planning to do."

He glanced over at me as he started the truck, "What was it? It's obvious you're grinding on it." Grinding on it. Josh used that phrase a lot to describe my way of shrinking back into my own little world. I remember thinking the two of them would get along pretty well.

I sighed, "What are the odds of you letting this go?"

"About as good as you winning the lottery. Besides, if I can see it, you know damn well Toby will. Maybe it'll help to get it out before you talk to him?"

So, I told him about my plans for Adam Correnza, why I'd made them, and what made me dump them.

And he laughed, "You know, Adam isn't really a nice guy. He may not have deserved what you were planning, but he's far from an angel."

"That may be, but did he deserve what I was going to do? Worse, what would you have done to him after?"

He chuckled, "Oh, I'd have really fucked him up. Maybe started with cracking his jaw," which made me wince. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" I asked.

"Look disturbed when I talk about hurting someone. I mean, you know what I can do or you've at least guessed at it and it's not like you've never been in a fight. Does it really make you that uncomfortable?"

"Yeah. I know it shouldn't, especially after what I was thinking about doing today."

He chuckled, "Exactly, that was pretty cold. Tell me, though, what happened to you when you figured out Adam wasn't the embodiment of pure evil you thought he was?"

I could feel myself go flush as the memory hit me. I told him what happened and he laughed, which embarrassed me more.

"It's not funny. I know I'm a pretty terrible person, it's something I'm going to have to deal with." He just kept laughing and I started to cry. "Please, stop."

He looked over at me, saw me crying, and finally realizing I was actually upset said, "You're not a bad person. You're a good person who thought about doing a horrible thing and, when confronted with it honestly, you were physically ill." He paused for a second, looking back over at me, "Bad people don't do that. They don't even think about others, let alone get physically ill when they realize they were about to do something wrong."

"Thanks for trying to make me feel better, but it's something I'm still going to have to deal with."

I paused for just a second, then continued.

"Toby already knows and I realize you probably should as well. I have an anxiety disorder and sometimes I get upset and it can turn into a panic attack. This isn't one, but that's why I'm kind of emotional. Things just come out because of how I'm wired up."

He just looked ahead at the road, "Toby didn't say a word other than that you were a lot more sensitive than you looked or acted sometimes." He glanced over at and I caught his eyes. There was compassion there, as unbelievable as it may sound. "I'm sorry about giving you shit about this, I didn't really understand how upset you were."

"It's kind of a shock to realize you're not nearly as good a person as you thought you were."

He snorted, "OK, but did it ever occur to you that you're still a hell of a lot better than you apparently now think?"

And, to be honest, it hadn't.

"Look, only Toby and Mark know about this, but I sometimes fight for money. I'm not proud of it, it's just something I have to do. And I do not feel any remorse for the pain and misery I inflict on others. From my perspective, they get in the cage with me then they need to be prepared for a brutal few minutes. I'm not a charity. But you, you are.

What you were thinking about doing to Adam is something I would have thought to do, but I'd have done it for kicks, not to protect myself. The other difference is I would have done it EVEN KNOWING he didn't really deserve it."

"No, you wouldn't have..."

"YES, I would. I hurt people for money. I know some of them have been coked up by a dealer and thrown into a match with me just to see them in pain because they didn't pay. I know some of them have families they are trying to support. And, to me, none of that matters. I'd do far worse if I needed to, but luckily they usually give in pretty easy so I don't have to cause too much damage. And there are other things..." he said, trailing off.

I shuddered, inwardly, with the realization that I'd been foolish with regard to Jack. His reputation wasn't a tenth of what it should be. I didn't think I needed to fear him, quite the opposite, as what he was telling me made it clear he trusted me, but I knew I needed to take him far more seriously.

I spoke softly, "Why are you having to fight for money?"

He cleared his throat, "When my father died, he didn't leave anything. He and my mother were already seriously in debt, so his death just threw us over the edge. My mom has fought for years, sometimes working three jobs at a time, to keep the house, not to mention keeping us alive. A year ago I got approached by a guy at a tournament who'd heard about my situation. So, once or twice a month I have a cash fight and I usually walk away with enough money to keep us alive for a few months. It takes some of the burden off my mom and means I'll be able to go to college."

I just felt awful, I was throwing my own little pity party over, effectively, nonsense and meanwhile this guy was having to pay for his life with his fists. He wasn't buying nice clothes with the money he was making, he was making sure there was food on the table and a roof over his mother's head.

"I can tell that hit you pretty hard and it wasn't my intent. I told you all of that because I didn't mean to upset you by laughing and I wanted you to know you're not as bad as you think you are. Please, don't worry about me, I can cover myself. I just don't want you getting so down."

"Jack, I honestly don't know what to say. I haven't known you that long, but because of Toby I think of you as family. Is there anything I can do to help?"

We pulled up just after in front of the gate to the practice field and came to a stop. He looked over at me, smiled, and said, "No. I got me. You worry about letting Toby make you happy and about making him happy. Just don't let this thing you were planning eat you up inside."

"Thanks man," I said as I leaned over to give him a hug. I then started to get out of the truck.

"Where do I go?" I asked him.

"Go through that gate," he told me, pointing off to the side, "And most of the girlfriends and parents of the players will be on bleachers closest to you."

I took a deep breath, "This should be an experience."

Jack just snorted, "Yeah, but you'll be fine. And, if I can give you a piece of advice, don't try to hide this thing today from Toby. Trust me, he's a good guy, he won't let you down."

I told him I would and thanked him for the ride as I got out of his truck. I walked over to the fence he'd pointed to, through the gate and straight ahead, turning to look up at the bleachers when I got to the steps. I went up and found a place to sit. There were some girls I recognized and one of them, Jill Youngman, started waiving at me.

I got up and walked over. "Why didn't you come sit with us when you got here?" Jill asked.

I smiled like a goof, running my hand through my hair, "To be honest, when I looked up I couldn't really make anyone out because the sun was in my eyes. So, I thought I'd sit up there for a bit until I recognized someone."

That got a laugh out of the girls and Jill introduced me to the girls I was sitting with. Just about all of them went to West, except for Anita Dillon who went to Jasper. Surprisingly, I was the only boyfriend from Shepton. Well, not surprisingly, more like the only significant other. We laughed about that a bit and then they told me some Toby stories. I'd spotted him, #94, but just kept track of what he was doing as I talked with the girls. A few times, though, he'd catch my eye and wave. I freely admit it made my heart jump a bit.

For the next hour, until the team broke practice, I chatted with the girlfriends and occasionally explained what was happening on the field. Jill was impressed and asked me why I wasn't playing and I explained to her my size really wasn't conducive to it. It's a little tough playing football with guys who can literally pick YOU up and throw you down the field.

As practice broke up, the guys who had people in the stands came over, including Toby. I made my way down to the edge of the bleachers to meet him. Even sweaty and dirty, he just did something to me. I was trying not to be too weird about it, but it was hard since there wasn't a thing about him I wasn't attracted to.

He kissed me when I got to him, then apologized for getting me dirty. I just laughed and said, "Trust me, there's no need to worry. The kiss was worth a little sweat."

"How was your day?" he asked, taking his gloves off.

"Good, thanks in large part to you. There is something I need to tell you about it, but it can wait until we're out of here."

"You sure you don't want to talk about it now?" he asked.

I smiled broadly at him, "Nope. It'll definitely hold, I just need to be honest about something I was planning to do."

He looked at me with his head tilted just slightly, questioning what was going on in my head. I just kept smiling. "Seriously, it's nothing to worry about. Go get cleaned up."

"OK. Come around the side and you'll see my car in the lot. It shouldn't take me more than ten minutes."

I went over to the parking lot and hopped up on the trunk of his car. True to his word, ten minutes later he came walking over, dressed and looking so I hot I thought about just grabbing my legs, rolling onto my back, and offering myself to him.

As he got close I started to get off the trunk and he told me to stay there. When he walked up, I realized we were pretty much eye level with one another and he grabbed the back of my head and pulled me in for a kiss. Just like the very first time, it filled me what I can only describe as joy. Touching him, and being touched by him, set me on fire in a way I'd never felt before.

When he broke the kiss, I opened my eyes to see him looking at me.

"Come on, let's go get something to eat. I'm starving."

He started to walk with me and I told him, again, let me open the door. Grudgingly, he agreed and we got in the car.

He started the car and then looked over at me, "Do you want to talk about what's bothering you now or while we eat?"

"I'll tell you about it on the way. What do you feel like for dinner?"

"Honestly, a chiliburger."

"Oh, that does sound awesome. Chad took me to a place last week that was pretty good, it was close to Coit but I can't remember the name."

"Country Burger?"

I thought for a second and it rang a bell in my head, "Yeah, I think that was it. Kind of looked old, like it had been there a while and it was in a strip mall."

"Yep, that's it," he said as he started to drive.

I took a deep breath and told him about Adam, what I'd planned, what had happened when I realized he wasn't a complete ass, all of it. Throughout the story he asked questions, mostly collecting information, not passing judgment or anything else. Honestly, it was nice to get it out there. By the time I was done, we were pulling into a parking space.

He looked over at me and said, "There was something I was going to wait to tell you, but clearly it's time. I love you. There's nothing you're going to tell me about yourself that will ruin that, and I need you to know this because there's no way I want you as nervous as you are right now telling me anything.

That being said, I think I know why you felt the need to do this and I need you to promise you won't put yourself in a situation like you were planning. I get that someone may try to start something with you at some point and I know that you may be alone. It's a nightmare for me, but I know the world is the world and I'm grateful you can defend yourself. But to seek it out to try to make a point? I'm asking you...no, I'm begging you, to think about more than yourself and your own pride for a second, to understand that if something happened to you I would be devastated."

I didn't want to get emotional, but I felt the tightness in my chest and I couldn't stop it. I looked over at him and I could tell he immediately knew something was wrong. My suddenly labored breathing just let him know it was worse than he thought.

Through gasps for air I told him, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking." He stroked my back, trying to calm me down as I tried my exercises to regain some modicum of control. Eventually, I calmed down and the attack subsided.

Softly, he said, "I'm really sorry, babe..."

"No, Toby, it's not your fault. It's just an attack. I was ready to fuck with someone's life, just to make myself look good, and I never for a second thought about what it would do to you if something went wrong."

He smiled, "It's OK. That's what people do, they don't think things through and I'm as guilty of that as anyone. No one expects you to be a saint."

I laughed a little through the tears, "Damn good thing, that. I'm pretty sure none of them decided to really fuck with someone's life." I stopped for just a second, then looked directly at him, "Are you really in love with me?"

He smiled, his eyes starting to water, "Yep. And that's all I'm going to say right now," he finished, opening the door to get out.

As we walked into the restaurant he whispered in my ear, "You don't have to say it right now, I can see it when you look at me." Those words, his words, brought a smile to my face that I ended up wearing to bed. During dinner we talked about how things had gone for him during the day and there'd been only a few incidents, mostly with holy rollers. None of the guys on the team had a problem with him which was a big relief to me. I shared my story with him and he got a laugh out of it, thinking that his coach would have been a lot like mine.

The rest of the week was more settling in than anything. I got more familiar with the school and the people around me, comfortable even. Jack and I never talked again about our discussion on Monday and by Thursday, I was ready for my appointment with Dr. Arya. He listened patiently as I told him about what I'd planned and why and he told me the truth, that it was wrong and it was a symptom of pure insecurity. My issues were worse than just a normal small kid in that I had people willing to stand up for me but I couldn't let them. When I told him I thought it was nothing more than being prideful, he told me I was partially right, that it was also fear, and that what I'd worked hard on, letting others in and letting them help, was good but that this obviously indicated some regression. He told me it was understandable, but that I couldn't give up on the goal I'd set for myself, to make sure I resisted the urge to become what Oates had called the frustrated turtle.

Toby picked me up from therapy and we went to grab some food, then to the JV game. They played well and after it was over, we went to hang out at his house until about 10. It was the first time I'd ever met his parents. Physically, he took after his father, but more patient and sympathetic, which I gathered he got from his mother. Linda was a beautiful woman who reminded me a lot of my mother. If I had to pick a word to describe her it would be warm. Reese, Toby's brother and his sister, Angela were really amazing as well. Reese was like a mini version of Toby and his father while Angela, thankfully, favored her mother. It was late so we had a quick bite to eat, then settled in to play Scrabble since Thursday was apparently family game night. Reese, at one point, was talking about school and I asked if he'd met my sister.

"There are actually a lot of new kids this year. What's her name?" he asked.

"Catherine Hallstrom..." I said, before he interrupted me.

"CAT? Pretty, red hair, great laugh but also just a hint of viciousness?" he blurted out before he could stop himself.

I just laughed, "So, you've met."

He looked back at me, kind of wild eyed, "Yeah. She's... well, to put it honestly, she's amazing. I've never seen someone new so quickly rise to the top."

Toby's curiosity got the better of him, "The top?"

Reese just nodded, "Yeah, socially. You'd think she'd been running our class since we were all born."

I just smiled, glancing over at Toby, "That's her all right. Reese, I'll give you some advice, if you get on her bad side just apologize. She forgives but she never forgets and she'll wait forever to get you back."

"Good to know, especially since I was thinking of asking her to our dance next Saturday but I've been kind of..."

"Nervous?" Toby and I both asked at the same time.

Reese looked deflated, "Yeah."

"OK, do you want me to see if it's worth it?" I asked.

Reese sighed, hunching his shoulders as if the weight of the world was on him, "No, I'll do it myself. I need to stop being such a chicken."

"You sure? I can be subtle?" I told him.

Reese sat back in his chair, rolling his head on his neck, clearly more stressed than we understood which, honestly, was cute as hell to me.

"No, I need to man up and just do it." And I just nodded back at him.

About 1030 Toby took me home and I filled my father in on my day. I also talked to Cat and told her I'd had a chance to meet Reese. She wasn't nervous, but she asked what I thought and I told her I thought he was a nice guy and definitely pretty cute. She allowed that he wasn't 'all that bad', high praise from her.

The next day was, well, interesting. The first football game was that night and people treated me differently knowing that I was with Toby. I didn't really understand it, but it was there. Ileana thought it was a little bit of celebrity worship, that in our little world jocks and their significant others were revered. It may not have been right, but it seemed to fit the dynamic. Of course, it could have just been that Ileana was also the girlfriend of a well liked jock and was interpreting things based on that.

I didn't put much thought into it, until about the 20th time someone told me to tell Toby good luck. I don't know why it got to me, but it did. When I sat down heavily at lunch and explained to everyone what had been happening, Julian was the one who started to put it into perspective...

"To a lot of these people, Toby is a really big deal. They just want to let him know they're thinking about him and you're their way to do that."

David chimed in, "It's also a way for them to talk to you if they were scared to before."

That one made me roll my eyes since there wasn't a person in the world who should have been scared to talk to me. I'm about as close to the opposite of intimidating as you can get.

"OK, I'm not going to argue with you, but why would they be scared to talk to me? It's not like Toby has a history of beating people up."

Chuck, usually a giant dumbass, was the one who clued me in, "You've been here two weeks. You always look good, you're dating one of the star varsity football players, and you're friends with the popular kids. Some of these people have lived here their entire lives and would give up teeth to be where you are."

"Sitting with you clowns?" I said, laughing.

"Well, yeah. It may not be much to us, but someone on the outside looking in, it's everything."

That, in a nutshell, is high school in a city. I'd grown up in a small town where we were all forced to be together and the pecking order was less well defined. Here it was an entirely different thing. Here there were actual cliques and aside from a little crossover, people were defined as much by who they are as by who they were associated with. And, to someone who wasn't in with the jocks and the cool kids, it would seem magical... they'd have no way of knowing that people in that group had almost the exact same fears and insecurities as they did. No one escaped the troubles of adolescence, it was only a matter of how bad it was for you.

David, who'd been stunned, looked at Chuck and said, "You nailed it." Then he looked at me, "He's right. You don't get it or really see it because it's new to you but it's there."

More than just eye opening, it was also a perfect reminder of how wrong I'd been on Monday and it led me to the decision right then and there that I needed to just be the guy my mother and father had raised, nothing else.

The rest of the day went by pretty quickly, mostly because Toby didn't have practice and was picking me up from school. When the final bell rang, I packed up as quickly as I could and walked out to where Toby had texted me he was parked to find him talking to Jack. He looked kind of irritated, so I just barged into the middle of them and gave him a hug, hoping to melt away whatever was eating at him.

I looked over at Jack as I released him and said, "Sorry, I just needed a hug."

He smiled and said he understood.

"Are you going to the game tonight?" I asked him.

Toby cleared his throat as Jack said, "I have other plans tonight."

"OK, what about later?"

Jack just smiled, "It's going to take some time. It's kind of a late night thing."

I finally realized what he was saying and said, "Oh, OK," then gave him a hug, as tightly as I could. "Good luck, then."

He smiled at me and said, "Thanks. I guess I better get going." He bumped Toby, telling him good luck and to be careful, then he walked off.

Toby and I got in the car and he started to cry. I didn't interrupt him, I just rubbed his back and let him get it out of his system.

"Babe, I love him. I hate that he's doing what he's doing because I worry that at some point, he's going to meet someone bigger, stronger, and more skilled than him and they're going to take him to school. He's my best friend and I just can't stand that he does this."

I knew what he was talking about, we'd discussed Jack's admission to me earlier in the week.

"Toby, he knows that. I can guarantee he does and I can guarantee he loves you for it. You have to trust that he knows what he's doing and let him do what he wants. He doesn't try to stop you from playing ball and you could get really hurt doing that. You have to look at it the same way."

I knew I was full of shit. I think Toby did as well, but it calmed him down and helped him to get himself back together.

We went to my house and I started the oven for the King Ranch chicken I'd decided to make for dinner for Cat and me. I broke out snack food and we dug in. Cat joined us for a bit which was nice because earlier in the day Reese had asked her out to a dance the next night. She'd told him yes though she didn't explain why, which was unusual for Cat. She did sit there and pepper Toby with questions about Reese and he was a good sport about it, answering most of them but holding his ground on a few.

She ambled off and gave us some time together. I told him I was going to the game with Molly and Jill and he told me to wait for him after, which I agreed to thinking we'd probably just go get something to eat. About 6 my father came in and Toby asked if he could speak with him privately. They disappeared for just a few minutes, then he came back and asked me to walk him out.

We kissed again and as he held me, I let go like I had the previous Saturday night. It felt right and I was never more sure of anything than I was of that, knowing that I could trust him. I told him to be careful tonight and to have fun. He just turned and smiled back at me as he walked to his car, mouthing 'I love you'.

I went back in as he drove off and headed to the kitchen to find my father.

"Something smells good, what did Mrs. Witsun leave?" he asked.

"Well, she left you a steak, with some roasted vegetables. Cat and I are having the King Ranch chicken mother made for us."

He started to open his mouth and I knew exactly where it was going.

"No, Mrs. Witsun made dinner for you."

He hung his head, comically, and I told him it would be ready in 10 minutes. I also buzzed Cat and when she got down we ate together. He begged us both for a little and we steadfastly refused. I realized later he'd get into the damn thing, but I wasn't about to give it up voluntarily. At that point, I wasn't even really mad any more about the move, but this was one thing I wasn't going to share. We talked about how things were going, then he and Cat agreed to clean up. She had plans later that night to go to a movie with some friends so she wasn't in as big as rush as I was.

I went up to take a quick shower and change, then came down right at seven to find the girls talking to my father. He had them giggling about something and I walked up right as he was finishing one of his great jokes about me as a baby, I think this one was the one where I threw up on him after he fed me. Who knew a baby would do that after being tossed into the air repeatedly with a full stomach?

We walked out to Molly's car and got in.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but your father is fucking hot," Molly said, driving away from the house.

I just sat there, mostly because I didn't know how to respond. I didn't think of my father that way and it was weird hearing it from one of my friends.

Jill looked back at me and started to laugh, "Molly, I think you made him speechless."

Molly looked back at me in the rear view mirror and said, "Oh, come on. I can't be the first of your girlfriends to say your dad is hot."

"Well, yeah. Now it's all weird because I'm going to think about you being my stepmother."

That got a laugh out of her, "Oh, Rob, I just want to mess around with him, not get married." Which, of course, made me blush. That was one thing about Molly, she lacked any kind of filter. I remembered the time Jay had made a similar comment about my mother and for the life of me didn't really understand why THAT bothered me, but Molly's comment about my father didn't.

The rest of the drive we talked about how things had gone for me that week. I omitted the more embarrassing pieces and just told them everyone had been really cool.

We got to the stadium and went to the line to get in. The girls had already bought a ticket for me, so I went to the concession stand to get drinks. It was still August in Texas so something cool was absolutely necessary especially since the sun hadn't even gone down.

It feels weird writing about the pecking order based on where you sit at a football game. Are you sitting with your parents or older people? You're a dork. Are you in the student section? OK, WHERE in the student section? I came up and Molly waved me over. For the next thirty minutes, I got to meet people, but I wasn't doing the new kid thing anymore so much as 'This is Toby's gay boyfriend' which was how more than one person referred to me. I only wish I was making it up. The second time, Jill couldn't stop laughing and had to go sit down.

I'll spare you the details, but we lost the game. Toby and defense did a great job, but offense just didn't step up. After, I told Molly, Jill, and Samantha I'd see them later and I went directly to the players lot and found Toby's car. 20 minutes later, he came walking up, looking pretty defeated with his head hung kind of low. I'd noticed the same thing with some of the other players, a few of whom had said hi to me.

When he got about ten feet away, he looked up at me and smiled.

"I do love the way you look when you're sitting on the back of my car."

I laughed, "You'd like the way I looked sitting in a folding chair."

He moved in to kiss me, then pulled back and said, "You got that right."

I stood up and gave him a hug, burying my face in his upper chest. I just felt like he needed it at that moment. When I pulled back, I looked up to see him smiling.

"Thank you for making me feel good," he said.

"What do you want to do? Go get something to eat?" I asked.

"Yeah, the rest of the guys are going to Julios. You feel like white people Mexican food?" He asked, remembering something I'd said earlier in the week about the Mexican food in Plano.

I just smiled back, knowing he liked it and pretty sure he already knew my answer would be yes. I nodded my head and he said, "OK, let's go."

The drive over wasn't long, he talked a little about the game but not much. I mentioned a few plays I'd seen where he'd done really well which seemed to brighten his mood a bit. I knew what a tough loss felt like, but I didn't know how he dealt with them. I'd made the decision, when I sat waiting for him, that I would do and say what I felt. I realized he was too special to me to try to manipulate, not that it would have worked. I'd only known Toby for a week, but he could already read me like a book.

When we walked into the restaurant, the staff took us back to the room where all the players were. Mark had saved us two seats at a table with some of the guys I knew. Anita Dillon was sitting with her boyfriend, Freddy Something (I seriously can't remember), at the same table so I had a buddy.

Dinner ended up being fun given the loss. These guys played hard, maybe not all of them at the level of Toby and Mark, but they did work and it was good to see them relax given the pressure on them. People who don't play team sports tend to think of life for the people who do as somehow easier. It isn't. There's the time spent practicing, the games, little time for dating, and then you still have your regular school work and homework to do, not to mention a job for a lot of kids. Oh, and you still have all the normal problems that come along with being a teenager, like raging hormones and a little rat brain that thinks dumb ideas are awesome.

Throughout dinner, we were all talking and telling stories. Toby had some about me, despite being together only a week, and felt like he needed to let them out. It wasn't like he was trying to make the relationship seem real to him, it was like he was trying to convince everyone else it was. The only problem with this was that he was at a table full of people who loved him and already thought it was real.

Toby insisted on picking up the tab for us and we left. It was close to eleven at the point and everyone was heading their separate ways. Mark had asked what we were up to and Toby pulled him aside and told him what he'd not at that point told me.

Mark stood there listening, then pulled back looking directly into Toby's eyes, "Are you fucking crazy?"

I could see Toby getting upset, but for some reason my instinct was to stay out of it.

"No," was his one word reply through clenched teeth.

Mark looked over at me, standing next to the car, then back at Toby, "You need to think about what you're doing and that there's more than just you in the car."

"I have." Mark looked over at me, followed quickly by Toby. I nodded back to him, knowing that I needed to back Toby up.

Mark, exasperated, threw up his hands and stomped off, yelling, "Fine. Whatever. At least text me when you get home so I know you're not dead."

We got into the car and I asked, "So, you want to tell me what's up?"

His grip on the steering wheel tightened to the point were the veins in his forearms, already visible, were now starting to really rise.

"I want to go down and watch Jack."

"This isn't just about friendship, you know if the cops bust the venue they can arrest everyone there. Why risk it?"

He glanced over at me, eyes glistening with emotion, "Because I want him to know there is someone there who cares about him."

I just sat there, processing. It wasn't but a minute or two before he spoke again.

"Look, I talked to your father before I left this afternoon and asked if it would be OK if I kept you out to two. He said it would be fine, but if you don't feel like you can handle it, I can drop you at your house." He paused, clearing his throat, "This is something I feel like I need to do, and to be honest I'd really like to have you with me."

Suddenly, Jack's speech to me the night we met made sense. This was Toby running away with something, but I knew I wasn't going to stop him. All I could do, I felt, was try to keep him from doing something dumb while on this mission. I knew, for some reason, with me along he'd at least be more cautious than if it was just him.

I grabbed his hand, and told him I was fine going with him.

During the ride down the Tollway, we talked about the conversation he'd had with Jack earlier that afternoon. Toby was trying to persuade Jack to take a job with his father's construction company and he'd refused. The exchange wasn't heated, just frustrating to him and he knew Jack just wasn't going to stop. Toby guessed that there was something deeper and I thought I knew what it was.

"He's angry at the world." I said, when Toby finished.

"What do you mean? Like at me and everyone?" he asked.

I thought for a second, choosing my words carefully, "No. I don't think he could be mad at you. This is about losing his father and having to see his mom work so damn hard just to get by. He needs the money, but he also needs to vent and take it out the frustration and anger he feels.

Toby, one thing that was clear to me when he told me about this was that he wasn't proud of it, it was just something he felt like he needed to do to support himself and his mother. But that wasn't all that was there, he was emotional at one point and I think it was the frustration coming out, bubbling to the surface, about how things had gone in his life. He needs to make someone else feel as bad as he does, and in his mind, this is the perfect way to do it without burning up people he loves, like you and Mark.

I'm going to tell you this and you're not going to like it, but you have to let him have this. Being there to let him know you care is enough, truly. I'll talk to him about therapy, but for now this HAS to be enough for you. No more trying to convince him to go to work for someone. OK?"

Toby's grip on the steering wheel tightened and I worked my fingers to interlace them with the hand that was resting between us. He looked over at me and I could feel him relax as he let out a long breath, finally realizing I was right.

The rest of the ride was silent, occasionally interrupted by the navigation from his phone and the music playing from the radio. We ended up going through downtown only to get on the 310 freeway and head into a relatively nasty area filled with auto impound lots and industrial spaces.

The place was an old industrial building with a large parking lot. The whole thing was non-descript, save for the fading logo on a sign that fronted a small road leading to the freeway. We parked, then followed people around the side to a line that terminated at a door. When we got to the door, the bouncer said we looked a little young and Toby just smirked at him, saying we trained with Jack. That straightened the fucker right up and he asked if we were on the list.

"No," Toby told him. "We're fine paying the cover." Which turned out to be $100 each. We went through the door and at the cashiers window, Toby handed the woman, who was taking a drag off a very long cigarette, two crisp $100 bills from his wallet. She handed us lanyards which we hung around our necks and then turned to walk in. There were tables set up for cards and throwing dice, a place to get something to eat, and bars all around. There were also two very secure looking buildings that were taking bets on the action for the night.

Jack's fight wasn't until 1200, so we made our way to one of the bars where I bought us two beers. I remember thinking it strange that no one had carded us, but then I realized that was stupid. The whole thing was illegal, so why worry about serving minors? If you can afford to pay, you can stay seemed to be the overall theme of the place.

Smoke hung in the air and the whole place smelled like tacos and had the metallic tang of adrenalin and desperation. We could tell from the cars in the lot that there were some high rollers in from the burbs as well as the Park Cities, no doubt looking for a little excitement and adventure outside their ordinarily safe and drab lives.

We made our way toward the cage. There were two rows of folding chairs ringing the cage, everything else appeared to be standing room only. The empty chairs all had RESERVED on them so we stopped immediately behind the second row and waited. It wasn't long before they rang the bell. They announced the challenger, a monster of a guy who was definitely larger than Jack and then Jack, 'The Destroyer from Dallas, David Sloan', which was apparently the name he was using.

The fight itself was good. Jack feinted a few times, made the guy get overconfident, then just brutalized him. He noticed us in the crowd before the start of it and winked at us, no doubt trying to be cool. He kept the fight going to the third round, then about twenty seconds in, he punched the challenger in the head with an audible crack and the guy went down hard. As he laid there, his legs twitched. Jack was declared the winner as people came in to pick up the other guy and take him away, ostensibly for medical attention. I found out later Jack actually punched him so hard he fractured his skull. The guy was in a coma for a week, which was lucky. Just a little harder and he'd have been dead.

As the crowd started to break up, we turned to find a guy in a black shirt with SECURITY written across his chest standing behind us.

"Mr. Sloan would like to have a word with you. If you'll come with me..." He made a gesture with his hands for us to walk in front of him and it was definitely not a request so much as an order.

Toby and I walked as directed back to the rooms where the fighters were to a door which had white tape with SLOAN written on it. The security guy knocked once and when he heard 'YES' announced that he had us with him.

"Bring them in," was the only response. He opened the door, gestured once again for us to move inside, then closed it behind us.

Jack was sitting down drinking a bottle of Gatorade and despite being sweaty didn't look bad at all. He'd taken some punches to his sides and one to his head, just above his right eyebrow which someone was already putting tape on to seal up.

"Thanks Donny," he told the man working on his head. Donny just told him he was welcome and that it had been a hell of a fight.

After Donny left, Jack took another swig from the bottle.

"What the hell are doing here?"

Toby was calm as he responded, "I wanted you to know someone in that audience gave a shit about you, and not just because they had money on you..."

"And you decided to drag Rob with you? Toby, man, there are some rough fucking people here. Why would you do that?"

I spoke up, "Because I asked him to take me. I wouldn't back off it."

"And I suppose you just happened to have $100 for the door?"

Toby smiled at him, "Try two."

Jack's eyes went wide, "The cover was $100 a piece?"

"Yeah." Toby responded.

"Then it seems like I need to have a little talk with the promoter." He paused, taking another drink from the bottle, "Well, what did you think?"

Toby spoke first, "I get it now, at least better than I did. I still hate that you do it, but I know you can handle yourself. I guess I always did, but seeing what you did out there... Would you promise me on thing?"

"What?"

"Please give them my number in case something happens to you. I'll drop whatever I'm doing to get to you."

Jack had an expression on his face that made me think for the first time in a long while he was emotionally overwhelmed, a mixture of happiness and sadness, "No need, but I really appreciate you offering. I have someone out there I train with at every match. He's got me covered and he knows to contact you and Mark if something goes wrong."

Toby relaxed a bit, "Well, do you want to go get something to eat? I have to have Rob back by two but I can meet you after if you need to take care of things here."

Jack smiled, standing up to walk over to us. "No. After my fights I'm usually pretty charged up, so I hook up with the guy who's here watching me."

I laughed, I couldn't help it. I'm pretty sure it was more a tension release than anything, "You are something else, man." And I held out my fist for him to bump. We said our good byes and made our way back to the car. Toby, as soon as we left the building, was on guard, as if someone was going to jump us on the way to the car.

"Toby, I think you can relax. I don't think anyone is going to attack us... you're more trouble than you're worth."

"I may be, but they might try to fuck you up and that's where things will go bad." He grabbed my hand tightly, "I just want to get you in the car and get the hell out of here."

We got on the road a little after one and by 130 were in my neighborhood. I told him to stop at the park about five minutes from my house so we could have some time together.

When we parked, we got out and we just stood there, hugging and kissing one another. It wasn't like the previous Saturday, it was so beautifully affectionate that it almost made me cry I was so happy. This is one of those memories of Toby I'll always treasure, him being vulnerable with me in a way he wasn't with anyone else.

At one point he looked down at me, his big hand on the back of my head, and with glistening eyes thanked me for going with him.

"Toby, I love you. I should have told you on Monday. Then ANY other day this week, but I need you to know that. I also trust you."

We just stood there holding each other, listening to the crickets and each other, until it was time for him to drop me off.

As I walked in the door, Henry was there to greet me and I carefully looked around to find no one else, which was something of a relief. I thought at that point that my father really DID trust Toby and it made me feel happy.

I woke up that Saturday churning through the events of the previous night. I hadn't slept well, which was weird given that I was really pretty tired by the time I hit the bed. Surprisingly, my biggest worry was why someone as beautiful inside and out as Toby would ever be in love with me. My brain had decided to have breakfast at the insecurity salad bar and I'd opted to go with the all you can eat option.

What kicked it off was the text from Toby I saw when I first woke up...

Thank you for last night, beautiful. You mean more to me than I can express. XXOO

I don't know why, but for some reason I wasn't thinking clearly and it just ratcheted up my anxiety. I felt like I didn't deserve him, that there was no way I could ever live up to him. It never occurred to me that what happened the night before wasn't taxing on me. Sure, it was stressful, but I wasn't having to fake anything. I wanted to be there, with him, checking on his friend. I respected and adored his decision in spite of Mark's condemnation. I understood why he did what he did... what I didn't get was why he'd want me with him. After all, HE COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER. That was what rang through my head.

I went down and had breakfast with my father. He asked what we got up to so late, and I just told him we had a mutual friend who hadn't been able to make it to the game so we hung out with him for a bit, then Toby brought me home. Lie of omission seemed like the best idea.

My father had to go to the office for a while and Cat was still in bed by the time I was done with breakfast. I'd been cooking pretty well and knew I needed to talk to someone I trusted, so I texted Josh and asked if he could talk.

He called immediately and for the next twenty minutes, I unloaded on him about how I was feeling and what had happened the night before. I'd caught him up on things Thursday night when I got home so he was up to speed on the week which helped.

"Dude, I can't believe he did that. Dragging you into that..."

"Josh, stop it. HE didn't drag me into it, I wanted to go. He'd already made plans for me to go home if needed..."

"But even still, what if something HAD happened?"

"IT DIDN'T. If it had, the place was crawling with security plus I'm pretty sure Jack would have stepped in sent a couple of people to caskets if they'd fucked with us."

"Well, still, I'm going to have to talk with him."

"Really, there's no need. You should have seen him. There wasn't a moment I was out of his sight and I can still remember what he said when we left."

"What?" Josh asked.

"That he just wanted to get me in the car and get the hell out of there. His first thought was about me. Trust me, he's solid... he's not Kurt."

I could almost hear him smile on the other end of the line. "OK, so what has you so worked up?"

"It's simple, he's too good for me."

"That's bullshit and you know it, Rob."

"Dude, that's just it, I don't. Toby is smart, good looking, built, strong, emotionally secure and I'm not that bright, I'm good looking but not as beautiful as he seems to think, I'm weak as fuck compared to him, and I've got this awesome anxiety disorder that likes to sprout up at the worst possible times. He's a really good person and I'm just thinking he's too good for me."

"No, he's not," Josh said calmly. "You really are a beautiful guy even if you can't bench a quarter ton. You're sweet, affectionate, intelligent, funny as hell even when it's unintentional, and really just a pleasure to be around. Even when you freak out, you're so contained about it I would guess most people would hardly notice.

You have got to give yourself some time to process everything that's happened. The two of you are like Lane and me were at first, unsure. You say he's a good person and that you feel that, right?"

"Yeah, he really is," I said through tears.

"Then just relax. This is one time you can let go. Take one of those anxiety pills and take a nap. If this guy is who you think he is, you're going to be fine."

We talked a little more and made plans for the next day. I really couldn't wait for everyone to meet Toby, but especially Josh.

I ended up cutting one of the pills down and taking it, then went for a swim. About an hour later, I made lunch than laid down to take a nap. When I woke up, I wasn't as much a basketcase but I still feeling pretty insecure. Toby had sent about six texts and left two messages, clearly worried about me. I finally responded,

I'm sorry, I kind of got in my head today. Will fill you in tonight. Can we do something kind of quiet and just us?

His response was almost instant

I love you. We can do whatever you want, I'll be over at six. Jack wanted to know if he could take us to dinner, do you want to go?

I thought for a second, then replied

No. Please tell him I'm having one of those weird anxiety days, nothing to do with him. Just want to spend time alone with you if it's not going to upset him, but only if that's the case.

All I got back was

I love you. See you at six :)

I got online for a little while, then read a book I'd picked up. About 530 I started to get ready and at six, the doorbell rang and I went down to let him in.

No sooner did I get the door open than his arms were wrapped around me, picking me up to keep our eyes level. It was the best feeling I'd had and the nervousness started to really fade.

"No one is home, do you feel like ordering food and watching movies? We could go swimming if you want..."

He just smiled at me, "That sounds perfect." He let me down and we went to the kitchen to find a menu. As we looked through them, he wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. I felt so secure, it was unreal, like a month of therapy rolled up into one embrace.

We finally decided on a place and he called in the order while I got him something to drink. We went into the living room and started looking for movies to watch. My father had bought this machine that had ton of them on a hard drive, all in HD.

We decided on a few, then he sat back and looked at me.

"Tell me what happened today?"

I started to stammer a bit, but his hand on my leg and the softness in his eyes got me on track. I told him how I'd woken up feeling off and then ran through what I'd been thinking and my conversation with Josh. He asked questions but he wasn't prying, just trying to keep me going so I could get it all out. It didn't occur to me until later that the love I felt for him, and that I trusted him, was starting to manifest even in terms of the GAD. I felt safe telling him what was happening in my head.

"It may take you a while to realize this, but I'm the lucky one. I... it's hard to explain, but I know you're better than me. I know what you're going through is going to take time, especially given your past, but I hope when you get that way again you'll call me. I don't want you spending even a second wondering how I feel or worrying about how important you are to me."

Not long after the delivery guy showed up with food and we ate, then settled in for a movie. He pulled me over to him and wrapped his arms around me as we sat watching the remake of Halloween. He liked it, I thought it was pretty bad. I mean, come on, part of what made the original terrifying was the lack of a backstory.

When it was over we got some ice cream, then started the second movie. I fell asleep about five minutes in, completely comfortable for the first time that day. At some point, Toby fell asleep too and was awakened by my father coming in from a date. I woke up hearing them talking softly.

I looked up to see my father and smiled, "Hey dad. How was your date?"

He smiled back, amused I guess by my lack of concern at him finding me curled up on Toby, "It was pretty good. Did you guys have fun?"

I looked up at Toby who was smiling down at me, "Yeah, I kinda sacked out during the second movie."

"I can see that. Well, I leave y'all alone. Good night."

I tried to sit up, but Toby held me down. I looked up at him with a smile.

"I don't want you to get up, I want you to stay just like you are. It's the most comfortable I've seen you since I got here and I love it," he said, leaning down to kiss my forehead.

"Thank you for tonight, I know it was kind of a drag hanging at the house..."

"No, it wasn't. I was with you. That was the only place I wanted to be tonight." He started to shift, "Come on and walk to me to the door. I should get going."

As we got up I said, "I am sorry about telling Jack no. He wasn't too angry was he?"

He smiled, pulling me into him, "Not at all. I read him your text and he gave me shit for being lucky as hell."

"What's lucky about spending the night doing nothing?"

"It wasn't that, it's how you begged off from having dinner with him. 'Only if it's not going to upset him'. Even though you were feeling shitty, you first thought was to worry about his feelings."

"I hadn't thought about it that way, but I guess you're right?" I said, more a question in my head than one I wanted answered.

"I am, whether you want to hear that or not. You're everything to me, don't forget that."

After he drove off, I took Henry out and then we went up to my room. As I got in bed, I thanked God for getting me through the day, then fell into a deep sleep with Henry curled up next to me.

Thanks for reading! Any comments can be sent to doncornelius69 at yahoo dot com.

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