NEVER KNEW WHAT PAIN WAS**
NEVER KNEW WHAT PAIN WAS.
UNTIL I LOST YOU...
**
I didn't sleep that night. I couldn't. And maybe this was the reason Brian was a bit shocked when he saw my face.
"Nick... whats up, baby? You look like you didn't sleep..." - Brian frowned.
"I... I had a bad night, thats all." - I forced a smile. I forced a smile not to cry. But I confess it was being hard. Damn hard. Too hard.
As Brian's angelical face stared at me I was still feeling a little dizzy. The whole night since Leighanne came here, since she black-mailed me... it all sounded like a dream. A nightmare, shoud I say. In my mind it had become confusing. When the night had ended and the day had begun. Its all foggy... Brian's sweet face seemed to belong to a different world now. One that I could not have, and this was killing me inside.
Brian took my hand and smiled at me. I felt like crying, I swear I did! I wanted to throw myself in his arms and just pretend for some moments I was still fourteen years old and had had the worst nightmare of my whole life! I just wanted Brian to cuddle me, not like a lover, not only as a friend, as my everything! As everything he had always meant to me...
"Nick... you seem so distant..." - Brian said running his finger softly over my cheek.
I looked into those blue eyes. I loved him so much it hurt.
"Brian, I... there is something I need to tell ya." - my voice sounded husky.
"Me too, Nick. I also need to tell you something. I'm gonna get a divorce... We are gonna spend the rest of our lives together!"
Before I could help it Brian leaned over and kissed me. As much as I knew I had to stop him I couldn't... I had no strenght to do that. His lips just felt so god... his warmth was all I needed, all I wanted... It wasn't fair I could not have it!
Brian pushed his tongue inside my mouth and I didn't protest. Actually, I didn't do anything, thats why he pulled away.
"Nick, whaz the matter? Whats wrong?"
Oh, God! I could kill me for making Brian suffer. And I know I'm about to do that.
"Brian, I... I'm saying you can't get a divorce."
"Nick, we talked about it, I just wanna be with you and..."
"I don't wanna be with you."
Brian was in shock. The look he gave me made me shiver. I hate myself! I hate this fucking life, I damn it all to hell! Screw it! Screw Leighanne!
"Nick. Say something, I don't understand you."
"Brian... I feel so miserable for telling you this..." - Now this was true! - "Becoz you know how our friendship means the world to me... And I think I just ruined it. What I...what I felt for you was never love. Lust. It had always been lust. And I know you are gonna hate me for that..."
Oh, God! The look on Brian's face! He is falling apart, I can see his heart breaking, I can feel it! C'mon, Carter... damn, you spent the whole night figuring these words out, just say them! Just kill yourself right now, just fucking do it!
"I'm so stupid!" - I gasped shrugging. - "I mean, I... I loved what we did that crazy night, and I so loved doing that again... But I don't really think I can love a dude... Yesterday I did some thinking... you said you would divorce Leighanne and all to go on with us... And I realized I can't let you do that! Oh, God, Brian! I messed it all up! My feelings of love towards you are not the way I believed them to be... I've always loved you like a friend, I still do, but er... I'm not in love..."
"Nick..."
Oh, God! Why did Brian have to be so sweet? Why does he have to cry? No, please, don't do that! Don't make it harder, God, no!
"Brian, please... I hate myself and I totally understand you hating me too... I'm such a dickhead! I risked our friendship in the name of lust... I'm so sorry but I really can't go one with that... I don't love you, Brian. I don't."
Ok, now please go away! My words are all out, my throat is closing, I can't talk and soon I'm not gonna be able to breath. Only cry. Only cry and hate my miserable life forever.
I watched the painful scene when Brian tears of sorrow turned into something more violent like anger. He hated me. Brian hated me now. Great! He could join me in the Hating Nickolas Carter club!
"Nick! How could you do that! How could you tell me what you didn't feel?! Godamn, fuck you Nick!"
Whoa. Brian was cussing? Yeah, this got to him as bad as it did to me. Brian cussing? If it had been in anyother situtation I would have laughed my ass off. But not now. Not when the only person I have ever truly loved was going away. Taking with him not only the love I need to survive but the friendship that made me who I am.
"Brian, I don't know what to say... I'm doing this for the best, I don't want you to get hurt with all this, thats why we can't go on..." - Jesus Crist! Was this truth or what? If only Brian could understand the real meaning of these words of mine...
"Damn you, Nick! I love you! I love like I've never loved anyone else in this stupid life! What am I gonna do now? I need you... But at the same time I hate you!"
Ok, why am I thinking this? I'm actually hating Brian too. How could he ever believe what I'm saying? How come he is not laughing at me and saying: You lying Nick, I know you are... With the cute smile he always used whenever he caught me lying? Damn he. God... I can't live without him, please Brian, don't hate me!
"Brian, I need you too, we can be friends, its just a matter..."
"No fucking matter of time! I hate you Nick! I really hate you! I don't ever wanna talk to you again and its not because I'm being bad, its just coz it hurts. But don't you worry, this love is gonna fade really soon because you have no idea how fast its being replaced by hate!"
I bit my lower lip not to cry. This is Leighanne's fault, Brian! The fucking bitch you married! Its not me you have to hate, its her, its fucking her!
"Brian... everyone makes mistakes... I'm so sorry I can't feel the same way..."
"You are an actor, Nick."
You have no idea how right you are, man, Right now I'm playing this disgusting role someone gave me and you are buying it completely. You hate me, don't you? Oh, well... I'd still die for you.
"Brian, what about the group?"
"The group? You are here telling me you lied to me all this time, fooled me..."
"I didn't know it was only lust!"
"... and all you care about is a damn group!? God, Nick! You are not worth a dime. I feel pity about you. How could I ever be your friend? No, the group ain't gonna break up. I love those guys too much to that for them. I think I can handle being close to you sometimes. Just don't look at me. Just don't talk to me either, Nick. I don't wanna hear your voice more than I'll already have to."
God, it hurt...
"Okay..."
My lack of care in responding was driving Brian even more furious.
"I'm out of here, Carter. You are dead to me."
Brian wiped one last tear and went away, slamming the door behind him.
I was in such mental shock that I had an outburst of laughter. What had I just done to my life? I couldn't help but laughing. I was about to stand up grab a knife in the kitchen and cut my wrists.
Suddently this thought sounded very warm. The comfort of death. No pain, no more of this love killing me inside.
No. I knew I could never do that. I mean, why would I kill myself if I was already dead? Brian said that, didn't him?
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I did the only thing I had to do. I got back with Leighanne. Whatelse did I have left? Nothing! I went back to the comforting arms of the only person that truly loved me.
Fortunatly Leighanne didn't ask much when I came back to her. It amazed me how understanding my wife could be. I told her brieafly what had happened between Nick and I. Leighanne held me in her arms through the whole night. I cried myself to sleep in her arms and she didn't even mind the fact I was crying for Nick!
But that night I promised to myself I would get my thing together. Leighanne was the one I was meant to be with. Not that I could ever stop loving Nick. Impossible. But that damn bastard... how could he do that to me? No one has ever hurt me as deep as Nick doing that to me.
I was breaking down not only for the lover, if he was actually a lover at any time, I was crying coz of the sweet images rushing through my mind. Images that began from the thirteen years old Nick. My best buddy... Frack.
I watched him grow up! God, I always loved him... How many times we slept together cuddled? Not fair Nick ruined it all! I will never forgive him for that. As much as losing his friendship, let alone his love - if I ever had it, wich I think I didn't - will hurt me deep I just know I'll never forgive Nick. I can't. Not after all those years, after everything we went through... I could never forgive him. Right now I didn't even know I loved him more than I hated him. Or if it was the other way around.
Weeks turned into months, and Nick and I have never spoken to each other without the group being around. When I'm not with him a part of me is missing, and I love him so much. Whenever I see Nick I feel this blind anger building up and I hate him as powerfully as I love him. Maybe even more. I don't know.
Leighanne and I are just in heaven together. She has changed a lot towards Nick. I don't understand why she is being all sweet whenever she sees him. I honestly think Leigh has always hated him. Oh well, she could join me in the Hate Nickolas Carter club.
Nick tried to approach me once or twice but I harshly pushed him away. I don't want him. In any way this word can express. I just don't want him.
He is now working on a solo album. He is moving away from us, I can feel. But I don't care. I'm glad he gave up in trying to talk to me.
Three months of this situtation may look scary, and believe me, it is. But I don't see an end for that. And as my lovely wife place her arms around my waist I force myself to abandon this thoughts. I can't see an end, but looking at her eyes I can see a begining...
So... too much pain? God, I have amazing ideas for this story. It just rushed through mind, I have it all figured out. You guys have no idea what a twist this story will take!
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For now all you have to do is read while I type my fingers off! Hehe
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LUCIANAPOPSTAR@HOTMAIL.COM I love to hear what your thinking of the story! :o)