I slept in the next day till about 10:00. I called into work sick. I didn't feel like dealing with people today. I was so drained from the encounter last night and I had so much to take in. Basically this was it: in Justin 's mind I was a jerk, Joey thought I was helpless, Lance thought I was a lost cause and J.C and Chris' perception of me... I just can't figure them out. I can't figure Chris's out because I really hadn't spent that much time with him. J.C was another story I had actually spent a good amount of time with the guy and I still couldn't read him. He said he liked spending time with me. Which I'm sure genuine. I also don't want to read too much. Maybe he's just being nice. That's probably it.
I spent the entire day doing nothing I looked over my script but that was about it. Will came through the house a couple times and asked me if I was a okay I said I was fine which I wasn't. I know I probably should have told him. But for some reason I couldn't. I trusted Will but something inside me would scream at me to stop when I was thinking about telling him my problems. I went to bed early that night hoping the feel better in the morning. That night I had one of the worst nights of my life. For I had a most distressing dream.
In my dream I was outside a club waiting to be let in. The club was filling with all sorts of people. From all sizes shapes and colors. I looked awful compared to some of the people. The music pounded so hard that I could barely make out the lyrics.
The Moonlight... Shines down interstellar beams And the groove tonight Is something more than you've ever seen
I walk into this club that's dark and filled with mist. I have no idea which club I'm at but I really don't care. I push myself to dance floor where I let everything go.
Stars and planets taking shape A stolen kiss has come too late In the moonlight Carry on, keep romancing Carry on, carry on dancing In the moonlight Carry on, keep romancing Carry on keep on dancing
I'm dancing as if nothing is holding me back when a figure comes up beside me and dances with me. It's Chris. We dance for a bit. Our dance is playful and fun and we are almost laughing by the end. Then he smiles and leaves. I dance some more by myself.
You're never safe until you see the dawn And if the clock strike past midnight The hope is gone To move under...
I move my body to the beats and soon another approaches me. A medium sized blonde. It's Lance. At this point I'm quite confused. I didn't think the guys were going to be here even though I didn't know where here was. Lance and I dance for a bit totally being absorbed by the music. It seems like we match movement for movement. It's like we have an understanding of one another. Then he stops, touches my hand and leaves. Again left to myself I dance.
In the moonlight Carry on, keep romancing Carry on, carry on dancing In the moonlight Carry on, keep romancing Carry on keep on dancing
Move. Closer. Passion. Stronger.
Then I again I'm approached by another person. The dark haired individual's body moves with a sensuous freedom. I want to grab his hips and pull him closer but I don't. The dancer turns to face me and it's J.C with those blue eyes of his shining. I dance closer to him than I have to anybody up to that point. He drapes his arms on my shoulders and we groove. He hugs me deeply and pulls away. By myself I direct my attention back to the music.
There's a magic only two can tell In the dark night Ultraviolet is a wicked spell
This time I'm approached by another. He doesn't ease his way in like the others but grabs me forcefully and we dance. It's Justin. He seems angry yet he still dances with me. As the beat increases our intensity increases. Then suddenly Justin turns away for a minute And spins around and punches me in stomach. I slump to the ground in pain. I look up at him and he smirks almost evilly and leaves.
The stars and planets taking shape A stolen kiss has come too late. In moonlight Carry on, keep romancing Carry on, carry on dancing
I feel a hand pull me off the sticky floor. I look up into the warmest pair of brown eyes I've ever seen. He pulls me into an embrace and proceeds to dance with me. I cry softly as he holds me. His movements are so strong and powerful yet so caring and gentle. We stop. My savior is Joey. He smiles and kisses me full on the lips. I don't struggle but I let the warmth and magic wash over me. I become lost in the waves of sensouality that over takes me. The kiss becomes more hungered and I comply because I've needed this for so long.
In the moonlight... Carry on, keep romancing Carry on, carry on dancing Moving on...moving all night.
I woke up with a start. With tears pouring down my face and sweat beads on my forehead. I looked at my clock it was 6:00 in the morning. I got myself up and took a shower. As I went through my morning routine I kept on thinking about the dream. What did it mean? Was it symbolic? I sat on the couch for a good hour, hour and half until I decided I needed to go for a walk.
I hopped the subway so I could get to my favorite part of the town to walk through. I walked for a good 45 minutes when I found myself standing outside the studio. How did I end up here? It confused me so. I didn't plan on it but I'm here. I almost turned and walked away when my dream flashed through my mind again. I stopped and the tears started forming again. I have to tell Joe how much I care for him. How much I need him.
I stood there with my hand pressed against the door of the building. I made up my mind and I slipped inside. The receptionist, Shannon, was there typing. She looked up and saw me.
"Hi, Scott." I was surprised she remembered my name.
"Hey Shannon."
"The guys got here like 15 minutes ago. They're actually early this morning. I can tell them you're here if you want."
"No, please don't." I said I bit too emphatically "I would like to surprise them."
"Oh okay. They in the 3rd studio today."
"Great. Thanks Shannon." I said
"No problem."
I walked my self back to the studio area. I checked every studio I saw checking for them. I finally saw the one the guys were using and I froze in my tracks.
"I can't do this... I can't do this...I can't do this." I repeated to myself. "What if he hates me for loving him so...." I cut myself off. " I can't do this...I can't do this...I should do this... I have to do this.... I must do this." I said with a bit of determination. Then I thought for moment. I thought they would probably be too busy to deal with me so I quickly left saying a rushed good bye to Shannon telling her not to tell the guys I was there. She gave me a confused look as I exited the door.
I went home and cleaned. I was a man on a mission I just needed something to occupy my time while I waited till about 5:00 when I anticipated the guys would be done. I cleaned the entire apartment top to bottom. I almost cleaned Wills room but my sane half told me not to because even though I was anxious I needed to respect his stuff. I cleaned the bathroom and mopped the floor. Honestly, it was quite sad. When I had finished I proceeded to clean the refrigerator. Will came waltzing in from his job.
"Hey Scott"
"Oh, hi Will."
"Whatcha' doing?"
"Cleaning." I said plainly. He paused a moment and looked around the apartment. He nodded and turned back to me.
"I can see that. The real question Scott is why?"
"It needed to be done."
"The fridge did not need to be cleaned." He said
"I thought it did."
"Scott what's wrong?"
"I'm fine Will, honest."
"Oh no, you're not. You won't feel better until you tell someone. I think you need a good sit down conversation." At this moment I almost freaked on him but I held it all inside. I needed to get out of there.
"Will, I need to see Kyle." I said abruptly.
"But we need..."
"It's about the show...It's important okay? I promise we'll talk later."
"Fine. I'm holding you to it, okay?"
"Great. I see you soon." I said as I finished with the fridge and basically grabbed my coat and ran. I caught the closest bus to Kyle apartment.
Kyle lived in nicer apartment building that mine because he had too full incomes going into the rent. His and Jay's, his roommate. I climbed the stairs to his apartment on the second floor. I knocked and Kyle answered.
"Hey Scott, what are you doing here?"
"Well Kyle, it's nice to see you too." I said sarcastically.
"No I didn't mean it that way. Please come in." I did. " I mean shouldn't you be out with the guys tonight?"
"Not that I know of." I said with dead pan face.
"Are you fighting with the guys?"
"Not really."
"Not really?"
"Just Justin but that's because he's a jerk." He nodded "I'm not upset about that." I whined slightly.
"Tell me." Kyle said. I could always count on Kyle to be straightforward even when I needed him to be sensitive,
"It's about Joe." I started
"Aahhhh I see." I paused.
"You finished?" he nodded. " Well I like him, I mean it's more then that but I can't explain it. I feel like I need to tell him. But there is so many factors going against the idea. I mean what if he gets mad and hates me, What if he laughs and makes fun of me? Or what if he thinks I'm ugly and wouldn't dream about being with a guy like me." I said.
"Scott those are just what ifs. You need to tell him. He may feel the same way Scott. He may love you!" Kyle explained.
"Maybe..."
"Not maybe I know that I'm right. Go Scott Go find your man."
"But..."
"No buts go...I kicking you out."
"Fine Kyle...Good bye." I said as I grabbed my coat. "And..."
"And what?"
"Thanks Kyle. You're wonderful."
" I know that!" he smiled. " Go or you'll miss him!"
I quickly left and grabbed cab. I wanted to get there as quickly as I could. I gave the cabby the address and waited. The driver made pretty good time but I thought he was so slow. If I were riding light it would have been slow to me. I gave the guy the money and a decent tip and ran inside the hotel through the back.
I took a deep breath and stepped inside the elevator. My whole body shook because I was so anxious.
The elevator door opened and I was determined. I moved myself toward the end of the hall. I was almost at a run. Suddenly I stopped. I saw something the broke me in a thousand pieces. I would have fallen to the ground right then and cried if I didn't have to get out of there. My world had been turned upside down and inside out because I was too slow.
I say Joey kissing another. He wasn't kissing a woman but a man. From what I could tell I nice looking man. Full on the lips. He did like guys. How could I think that he ever like a person like me? How could I be so stupid to build myself up like that?
I turned on my heel sobbing and ran down the stairs. I knew it was a good number of stairs but at the point I didn't care. All I could I think about was how could I allow myself to hurt like that. How could I be so stupid? I caught another cab and rode to Kyle's apartment. I cried the entire way there. The drivers asked me if I was all right. I said I was fine.
I got to Kyle's apartment and knocked. Jay answered.
"Hey Scott."
"Hey Jay." I sniffled
"What's wrong?" he asked. That did it. That sent me over the edge started pouring out and I couldn't stop them. I felt so bad for basically dumping jay with me.
"You best come in." He ushered me in and led me to the couch. He poured me a cup of tea that matched the one is his hands. I sipped. "Now what's wrong Scott."
"Nothing important, Jay."
"It must be important.' He said with sincerity. He patted my leg. "But I understand if you don't want to tell me."
"Thanks Jay." I said. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For basically unloading on you." I said through a sniffle as I had finally got my tears under control.
"Scott it's no a problem." Then he did the sweetest thing. He hugged me. He pulled me and said. " Let it go Scott. I'll be strong for you."
I found myself unloading all this pent up frustration and confusion onto Jay's shirt in a liquid form.
After I had pulled myself together I looked at my watch. It was 9:00. I needed to get home.
"Hey Jay, thank you so much. I have to get home."
"No. You're staying here tonight. The sofa pulls out to a hida-bed. We have extra blankets and a pillows for you."
"No, Jay I can't impose."
"Scott, don't worry about." After Jay said that we pulled out the bed and he gave me a pillow and a couple blankets.
"If you need anything more you can get them I'm sure. The blankets and pillows are in the hall closet and you know where the kitchen is. I have to go to bed. Work in the morning."
"Okay good night Jay."
"Night Scott.
I snuggled in and fell asleep trying to push worries about the upcoming days out of my head. Joey is just a part of my life, not the center. I repeated that to myself until I nodded off.