Disclaimers: I do not know any of the celebrities mentioned herein, this has no element of truth to it. This is no reflection on their true sexualities or personalities of Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass or any others mentioned. If you are underage for your area or if it is illegal for you to look at this why not go somewhere else.
-7- Tim
Lance almost missed spotting me that day, I was hunched down in a booth at the back of the diner and hiding in a baggy sweat shirt and jeans. I probably looked like a ghetto reject with the baseball cap that finished off the outfit but I didn't care. I was only here for food and then I was going out to look for a new job. I didn't care what I was doing, all I knew was that I wasn't going back to that club again - not after the night I had just had.
I scanned the classifieds as I looked for some form of employment that would pay enough to cover my rent. Los Angeles was an expensive place to live on no income and my apartment, although a dump, was about all that I could afford and I was making quite good money at the club. I wasn't sure what else would pay as well considering I wasn't much of a waiter and acting didn't hold much appeal for me. It seemed as if they were the two biggest professions here in Lala land.
A shadow fell over the newspaper that I was studying and I assumed that it was my toast and coffee so I looked up, wanting to at least make eye contact and thank my waitress. Unfortunately it was not my waitress that stood in front of me but someone that I had hoped to never see again. In all honesty I didn't want any reminder of the night before.
"How did you find me?" I asked Lance.
I didn't invite him to sit down but he invited himself and took the seat opposite me. The waitress moved to come over but Lance waved her away and I began to wonder if these pop star types just assumed that they could have anything and should be treated like royalty. Justin hadn't been like that but maybe that was the exception to the rule.
"I asked your boss..." He began.
"You told him???" I asked incredulously. Okay, I wasn't planning on going back there but I might need references or at least to pick up my last pay check. Besides, Lance didn't know that I wasn't going back.
"No, I just said that you were trying out for my label. He seemed impressed."
"Yeah, well, you wasted your time. I won't sleep with you, I'm not a fan that's trying to complete a full set of fucks with Nsync." I was being sarcastic because I get like that when I'm angry. I still think that though misplaced that anger was justified.
"That's good, because Joe and Chris are straight and I'm not interested." He told me with a slight laugh.
"Then what did you want?" I didn't relent.
I wanted to know what he wanted and then I wanted him out of this booth, out of this diner and out of my life. The last thing that I needed was a reminder of all of the things that I was trying to forget.
"I want to apologise, to offer you something in return for what JC did to you." Lance said.
Ah there it was, I thought, the pay off. And they sent this man to do JC's dirty work. I wasn't allowed to talk, I shouldn't tell a soul what had happened and here is some money to sweeten the deal. Logically I should have taken it but I still had the moral high ground and I was taking it.
"I don't want your money." I replied bitterly.
Lance surprised me.
"I'm not offering money, I'm offering something else."
"What else is there that you could possibly offer me?" I asked.
I didn't want whatever snake oil it was that he was going to offer me. My silence was free, but not for JC but for Justin. The young man had done nothing wrong and that night had been good, even if the next day had tarnished it a little in my mind.
"I'm offering you a second chance with Justin^Å"
I gasped. I wasn't sure what to say to that.
The waitress brought over my toast then and I thanked her. If nothing else she had given me something to take my mind off the words that I could hardly believe Lance had spoken.
'Another chance with Justin'
What was I supposed to say to that?
Justin
I hadn't really lied to Lance that night when I told him that I was tired. There was a part of me that was too worn out to think about what had happened over the last two days but I also had too many thoughts running through my head to sleep. So instead of actually going to bed I stayed in my room and just sat in silence.
That was how I heard what Lance and JC talked about. I couldn't believe that the guy that was supposed to be my best friend would do that to me. Me and Josh had grown up together, been through most of our major rites of passage together and I had always thought that he understood me. This just proved how very wrong I could be.
I wasn't exactly sure what I could do with that piece of information but I knew that I couldn't trust him anymore. Josh wasn't any sort of friend.
I also thought of Tim. I didn't know how to get in contact with him and I really wanted to know how he was. Lance had said that he would sort it out and as I sat there wondering how he could do that I guess I must have been more tired than I originally thought because I drifted off.
I went looking for him first thing the next morning, wanting to tell Lance that he didn't have to sort it out and that I could go with him. But by the time I got up and went to his room he was already gone.
I just hoped that whatever it was that he said to Tim was convincing enough that he would come back or at least forgive us for what we had all done.
Breakfast was usually served in the main room of our suite. The point of it was so that they could squeeze an extra few minutes out of our day to tell us what was going on. Of course usually that was Lance's job but he wasn't here. I really didn't feel much like breakfast though.
"You okay Curly?" Chris asked me with that amiable smile that he always used.
Chris had grown up in a large family full of women, maybe that had given him the caring streak or maybe it was his need for everything to be okay. Either way he wasn't going to let me just sit in silence. Especially when I didn't have the excuse of eating.
"Maybe you should go ask Josh." I said angrily. It was wrong of me, but the last thing I wanted was for this to focus on me. "He's the one that seems to know what is best for me these days, maybe he can tell you how I'm feeling."
Josh was pale, staring blankly at his breakfast and not focusing on what was going on around him. I could see that he didn't want to hear the words I had spoken but the tenseness in his shoulders told me that he had anyway.
"Did you two have a fight or something?" Joey asked. "I really don't know if I can handle the two of you going off at each other, can't you just shake hands and make up or something?"
Joey was always the mediator - sometimes I loved him for that, it was nice to know that someone gave a shit about it but right now I really didn't need his 'give peace a chance' message.
"It's nothing." I said defeatedly.
There was no point in making a huge deal of this at the moment, especially if Lance didn't get Tim to come back. If he pressed charges or something then everyone would know but otherwise maybe it was something that we should keep amongst ourselves.
I could see that Chris wanted to make more of it. I hadn't answered if I was okay but my outburst about JC obviously had deeper roots. The psychologist in Chris was bursting to dig a little deeper into that. The door opening stopped whatever he was about to say midflow and we all turned to see who it was that was coming in.
"Where have you been?" Joey asked with a smile, he was obviously about to rub it in that Lance was late for the first time in his career, but the rest of the ribbing died on his lips when he heard my intake of breath.
Chris didn't seem to react to the stranger in our midst but Josh too looked up as I gasped and he let out an audible gulp.
"Who's your friend?" Chris asked.
It was obvious that Chris was reading more into this situation that you might give someone else credit for. He was intuitive and something told him that this guy was trouble. I wondered if that were true. Was Tim really trouble?
"This is Tim." Lance said. "Tim, you know Josh and Justin, this is Chris and Joey. The other members of our motley crew."
"Hi." Tim said shyly. He looked over at JC, his eyes wavering as he caught sight of him and then his gaze moved to me.
As our eyes met I could feel a tangible connection between us and I felt energised for the first time in days. Whatever it was that was between us was almost electric and I knew that not only did I want him but that I could easily fall completely and hopelessly in love with him. It was that which gave me hope.
"Can we talk?" Tim asked, pulling away from Lance and moving closer to me.
Chris stood as if to intercept Tim's path towards me but JC's voice stilled him.
"It's okay Chris." Josh said softly, his voice shaky and filled with emotion. "Let them talk. There is something that you need to know."
"Josh, maybe Justin should hear this too." Lance offered.
He told me later that he was almost certain that JC was going to confess to what he had done, if so then Lance wanted to be there but he also wanted me to hear the words. To hear the good intentions that had triggered JC's cowardly act.
"I already know what he did." I answered, not caring that the words were harsh and mean. "And I don't want to hear anything else that he has to say."
Tim reached out, placing a hand on my shoulder but I pulled away and made my way back towards my room. I wanted privacy for our conversation and I wasn't ready for Josh's words. I only hoped that Tim's would be more pleasant to hear.
Tim
The room was just as I had remembered it. Justin hadn't really changed a lot of it although there did seem to be less space and more clothes strewn around. Perhaps the only difference was that it looked a little more lived in now.
"So you know?" I asked, wanting to make sure that Justin wasn't just reacting to Josh.
That he really did know what had happened. I wasn't here to drive a wedge between then and I certainly didn't want to be accused of causing some other problem in the band.
"I overheard Josh telling Lance last night." Justin said. "I'm sorry, he didn't...that is...I wasn't..."
He couldn't seem to get the words out so I took pity on him and spoke up.
"I know that he didn't do that because you asked him to." I said. "I didn't come here for that though, I came to apologise."
"You don't have anything to apologise for." Justin said but his eyes spoke differently. He studied me carefully as if looking for some signal but I wasn't sure what it was so I couldn't give it.
"I think I do." I replied. "I shouldn't have walked out of here like that. I shouldn't have left you and I'm sorry if I mislead you in any way."
"I knew it was just for one night." Justin said softly. "I'm not stupid."
"I didn't say you were." I replied.
Justin didn't meet my eyes and I knew that he was hurting. It wounded me to see that I could hurt him that way and the part of my soul that had wanted to care for him ached.
"I just..." Justin paused. "I thought that we had connected, it was special and I want to feel that again. It's so lonely being out on the road and I don't think I've ever felt as special as I did that night. I don't think I can cope knowing that I won't feel that again."
He was speaking softly, his voice edged with sadness. I wanted to go to him but something held me back. I hadn't really thought about what my life meant for me now, only that I had some thinking to do about the future. I still didn't really see how Justin could be a part of that future.
"Justin, just because it didn't work for us it doesn't mean that there isn't someone else out there for you, someone that can understand better where you are coming from. We come from two very different places and are two very different people, we can't guarantee that anything between us would work. Can you blame me for thinking that it would be madness to even try?"
"We could make it work." Justin said, but the defeat in his voice told me that he too knew it was futile.
"What are you going to do?" I asked. "Pop in for a visit every few months as you pass through town or maybe you wanted to get me a job on the tour so that I could come along with you." I said, both sounded like ridiculous options.
"I have an opening for a personal dresser." Justin said with a smile, he was trying to ease the tension and I shared a smile.
I'd prefer a job as his personal undresser but I didn't say that, I was pretty sure that he was thinking something else along the same lines.
"So why did you come back?" Justin asked. And there it was the question that I wasn't even sure I could answer.
I had thought about it on the trip over here with Lance. I had talked myself out of wanting to beg Justin for a second chance and I had told myself that it was all wrong so why had I come.
"I guess I needed some closure." I said, realising that I was suddenly thinking out loud. "And I needed to know that you wouldn't hold that night against me."
"And Josh?" He asked. "Surely you wanted to see him too." Justin said. "Maybe tell me what he had done so that I would resent him and hate him or something."
He was trying to get me to react. He wanted me to get angry or get upset or something. Maybe he just wanted a different reaction from me. I didn't know what it was that he expected me to say.
"Do you hate him?" I asked.
Justin thought it over, he seemed to think about it and then nodded.
"He hurt you." Justin said. "And he treated me like a child."
"Then I wouldn't have needed to tell you." I said.
Justin didn't have a response to that.
"Look, maybe I shouldn't have come back with Lance. He told me that I could have a second chance with you and it seemed madness to turn that down. But I apologised and we've talked about it and now I wonder if there is anything left to say." I said after the pause in conversation became too painful.
"I'm glad you came back." Justin said. "You're right, it gives us closure." He said, using my own words to justify my actions.
"I am sorry." I said softly, wanting to make sure that he knew.
"Yeah." He said with a sigh. "Me too."
I turned to leave then, thinking that it was over.
"I'm sorry that I ever thought you could love me." Justin said softly, and I felt my heart ache.
I had two choices at that moment. I could turn around, kiss him and damn the consequences or I could walk away.
So I did what I needed to do.
A few moments later I was standing outside the Regency hotel and on my way home.
Justin
Tim just walked away. I could hardly believe that he had done that. He walked out of my life as easily and quickly as he had walked into it. It made me resent what Josh had done even more.
The others had heard Josh's tale while I had been out of the main room with Tim. They must have seen him leave because a moment later there was a soft knock at my door.
"Go Away." I called, expecting Lance.
The last thing that I needed right now was to be told that I could grieve as long as it didn't infringe on Nsync time. So where a second knock came I was surprised. Lance usually gave up on the first try. Sure, he would try later but only when we had an interview or something. They mostly left me to it when I was 'sulking' as they liked to put it.
I didn't respond this time and was not surprised when the door opened. However when Joey walked in I did get a bit of a shock.
"Did they send you to check on me?" I asked. "What's the matter? Scared that I would kill Lance or Josh for interfering?" I knew that I was being sarcastic but I felt as if my heart had just been ripped out of my chest and stamped on. I figured I was owed a little bitterness.
"No." Joey said softly. "I wanted to see if you were okay."
There was nothing other than kindness and concern in Joey's expression and I felt a little bad for shouting at him before. He was the genuinely affectionate guy, Chris had once called him the Joey Bear - I guess this showed why.
"I'll be okay." I said, but there was no truth to the statement, I just didn't want to discuss it right now. Not when the wound was so fresh.
"Yeah, you will." Joey said, but there was a certainty in his voice as he said the statement. "It will get better and you will be fine." He said. "But it sucks right now, huh?"
I smiled at that. It did suck. But if Joey was right about that then maybe he was right about the other bit, the bit about it eventually getting better.
"Come here." Joey said, obviously sensing the conflict I was feeling.
In a second I was engulfed in his massive arms, I was taller but he had more bulk and we hugged closely, nothing sexual but just like brothers. It was a contact that I realised that I hadn't even known I needed but it felt good to just be held.
"How many more days are we here?" I asked after a moment.
"Two." Joey said. "But with the amount of work that Lance has us doing it'll be over before you know it and we'll be on to the next city. Same old, same old." Joey said.
Somehow I wasn't sure that it would go quickly, but he was right. Soon we would move on and I was pretty sure that after a while I would get caught back up in the whirlwind of touring and recording. I hoped that it would take my mind off these other things.
But as we boarded the bus two days later and I headed off to my new future I couldn't help but feel that I was leaving some part of my heart there in Los Angeles.