Want

Title: Want. Author: Jezebel the Temptress Feedback: eh_oh_po@yahoo.com

Disclaimers: I do not know any of the celebrities mentioned herein, this has no element of truth to it. This is no reflection on their true sexualities or personalities of Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass or any others mentioned. Tim Caldwell is a fictional character, he is not supposed to represent anyone living or dead. If you are underage for your area or if it is illegal for you to look at this why not go somewhere else.

*** Part 13 ***

Justin

When I was little and something about school or my career was troubling me my Mom would always tell me that things would look better in the morning. I think that as I aged I stopped believing that which is why I woke up that morning with the same sense of dread that I had felt the night before. I was more rested but my eyes hurt from the salt water of my tears and I knew that it was going to be an uphill struggle just to get through the day.

Thankfully we were just travelling and there were no photo shoots or interviews to get through. I think that any interviewer would have been suspicious of the red puffiness that surrounded my usually blue eyes.

Tim woke up next to me and rolled over to spoon me. He kissed my shoulder gently and I felt a shudder run through me. I shouldn't be so easy, we would never have had the problem in the first place if I could stay with him, but all he had to do was touch me and I was turned on.

Tim continued, kissing along my shoulder and then feasting on my neck. He stopped before he could leave a mark and moved to suck on my earlobe.

I knew that we should move. We were supposed to meet at the bus already packed and ready to go in less than an hour but Tim didn't seem to want to move. Then as quickly as he had started the seduction he stopped.

"Good morning." Tim purred in his ear. "I'd love to continue this but we have to get up." He said, as if none of the events of the previous night had occurred. "I'm going to catch a shower and then head over to my room to sort out my stuff."

"Are you still coming with us?" I asked, wishing that I didn't need to ask the question but after the day before I couldn't be sure.

"I said that I would be here for you, and I meant it." Tim replied.

I watched as he entered the bathroom, locking the door as he always did, and leaving me behind. One day Tim would trust me enough to leave the bathroom unlocked when he took a shower, maybe we would even share one, but until then it left me time alone to think.

Tim had said that we needed to talk that day and I knew we did so I started to gather my things and while doing so I thought of all the things that I needed to say. By the time Tim exited the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist, I had only come up with one thing.

"I love you." I said as he dried himself and began to redress in last night's clothes. Tim turned, a small smile on his lips, and nodded.

"I love you too." He replied.

It wasn't much but it was enough for now and as he dressed and I continued to pack I hoped that it would eventually be enough forever. I hoped that I would be enough.

Josh

I was half way through packing up my things when I heard a knock on the door.

"Give me a minute." I yelled, expecting security to be there to pick up my suitcases. There was a second knock at the door and then I heard it open. I turned, wondering who it was, and then realised that only one other person had a key to my room. As soon as I saw Lance's face I knew why he was there.

"Are you okay?" Lance asked me, his voice tinged with concern. "Tim came to see me last night."

I knew from those words that Lance knew about what Tim had suggested. For a moment I was angry that Tim had told Lance but I realised that he had no one else to talk to and that if we went ahead with this then the other boys would have to know. There were some things in life that you could keep quiet but in a group that number of things diminished. When you lived in each other's pockets for 50 weeks a year it was hard not to know more than you ever wanted to know about each other.

"He told you then." I guessed. "About he, Justin and I."

"You mean he and Justin and you and Justin?" Lance said. I supposed that this was a better way of putting it. We were not a threesome after all. I suppose that you could have called us a couple of couples if you were looking for a classification. "Yes, he told me."

"And you're okay with it?" I asked.

"Not really." Lance replied. "I think that Tim is mad to give you a chance with Justin after what you did to him, to both of them, but it's his choice not mine."

Lance had never really said much about what had happened back in LA but I knew he didn't agree with what I had done. On reflection I didn't agree with what I had done either but guilt is only something you feel afterwards. I never realised that he had judged me this much.

"Tim is a better man than most." I agreed. It was true. In the same situation I don't think that I could have done the same thing. "I see that now."

"I'm glad that you do." Lance said. "If you hurt either of them again then you won't have to worry about what Justin will do to you. I'll be the first in line."

"You really like him, don't you?" I asked, for a moment wondering if Lance had a small crush on Tim. Part of me wanted to manipulate it so that I could have Justin to myself but I realised from the knowing smile on Lance's face that he had already worked out my train of thought and was ready to quash the plans.

"Tim is one of those people that life has dealt a bad hand to, but he hasn't thrown in his lot, he's dealing with it as best he can and I respect him for that. If I can make his life easier in any way then I plan to do it. He could have walked as far away from us as possible after what happened last time but he is here, despite his fears, to try and work out his relationship with Justin." Lance said. "I wish that I could find someone willing to do the same for me."

I knew then why Lance was so supportive of Tim. It was not Tim that Lance wanted but the idea of being in love. I wished that I could give that to him but I was in love with Justin. I added Lance to my list of prayers for that night though. He deserved to be happy too.

"I've arranged to travel with Joey today." Lance said, changing the subject from what was obviously an uncomfortable topic for him. "I thought that you could do with the space. Chris is on his own too so it's up to you and Justin how you split up."

"I'll speak to him on my way down." I replied.

I wondered if Justin, Tim and I could manage to share a coach together, it might be an idea for us to get to know each other a little better.

Little did I know that Tim was having a similar idea.

Tim

I knew that Justin, Josh and I had to talk. We had to work out some ground rules for how this was going to work and also had to work out what we would tell Chris and Joey about our relationship. I was not close to the other members of Nsync but I knew that the boys were a family and if this was going to work at all then we needed to be open and honest with their other band brothers.

Facing a day of travelling to 'god know's where' on a bus was not my idea of a great holiday but I knew that it would be the best time to talk. The bus was small enough that there was nowhere to hide and as it was going to be travelling cross-country there was no other means of escape. It would be the best opportunity for us all to lay our cards on the table and sort things out.

I just wondered how I was going to tell Justin that I wanted to travel with he and Josh when only the day before I had been saying I did not like Josh. I was on my way to tell Justin when I realised that he was not alone.

"...don't think that Tim will be comfortable with that." Justin said to JC. "We really need to spend some time together."

"We ALL need to spend some time together." Josh replied. "I know that you and Tim need quality time together but the pair of us need a chance to get to know each other too."

"I agree." I added as I walked up behind them.

Josh looked at me with a shocked expression on his face as if he had not expected me to be of the same mind as him. If Josh was shocked then Justin was aghast at the idea. I knew that it would take some doing but Josh and I needed to make an effort if this was going to work and the pair of us were both willing.

"I guess I should tell Lance that he can have his bus back." Josh replied.

"I'll speak to him." I found myself saying. It was obvious that James had spoken with Josh and I was grateful for that but I also wanted to talk to him. "Justin can you make sure that all of our bags are on one bus."

I knew that Justin would be better if he had something to do. It would also mean that he and Josh could not make any decisions without me. I know that it sounds petty but I didn't want them spending anymore time alone before we had worked this out.

James was waiting down by the buses when I found him. He was busy organising the security guards and assistants that were preparing them for travel and I couldn't help but wonder at the concentration on his face. It was like watching Adam work out a scene for a film or think of the exact angle of a shot. The precision with which Lance carried out his work and the dedication that he had to it was inspiring.

James smiled when he saw me and waved me over, turning his back on the person that he had been talking to and giving his entire focus to me. It was nice to know that there was someone that wanted to be my friend. It had been a long time since I had been able to count anyone as that.

"Good morning." Lance said. "Did you sort out your travel arrangements?"

"Josh, Justin and I are going to share." I replied. Lance hid his shock with a raised eyebrow. "Don't worry, we aren't going to fight it out."

"I'm glad." James replied. "It would be a shame to lose a talented actor like you."

I blushed slightly at the compliment, not used to people liking me for anything other than my body, and shook my head.

"Why would I be at risk?"

"Because if the fans found out that you were the reason that Justin Timberlake and JC Chasez are off the market then they would have you tarred and feathered by sunset." Lance replied. I smiled at the image as I realised that he had a wicked sense of humour.

"Josh said to tell you that you can have your bus back." I said, going back to the matter at hand. "I guess that means that you talked to him." I didn't mean it as an accusation, although I did wonder what had been said.

"I wanted to make sure that he knew how lucky he is to get this chance and to be certain that he is not going to mess it up." Lance said.

"Justin might not thank you for trying to protect him." I warned.

Lance frowned.

"It's not Justin that needs protecting, it's you." He said. I opened my mouth to protest but the words would not come. I hadn't heard anyone but Adam speak such things and even then I could tell myself that it was a commodity and not me as a person that Adam wanted to protect. I wasn't sure how to take Lance's statement. Lance could obviously sense my bewilderment and took pity on me. "Good luck today. If you need to talk, come and find me." He said as a parting shot and then turned back to his job.

Part of me wondered what I had done to deserve someone like James in my life. Another part of me said that it was payment for the troubles of my past. Either way I am grateful that he is in my life as we should all be when we find that one person who rekindles our hope in mankind.

I was pleasantly surprised by the bus that we were sharing. There were six bunks behind the drivers seat and then a small seated area with a kitchen at the back. It was like a house on wheels with just about everything that you could ask for and for the next few weeks it would be the closest thing to a base that we had. Justin mentioned one of the adages of tour to me later that day and it stuck with me.

Hotel Rooms will come and go but the Tourbus is forever.

Justin had chosen a bunk for me, leaving my bags on the bottom one so I could sleep on top. I was glad that he had not assumed that we would be sharing because much as I wanted to sleep next to Justin I was not going to rub Josh's face in it. I had meant what I said about sharing Justin and that meant doing so without any unfriendly competition. We were there primarily to talk and we would sort out sleeping arrangements and the like when we got to the next hotel. Until then I didn't think any of us would be sharing each other's beds - it was going to be hard enough to share the same space.

Justin was in the middle bunk, I was closest to the lounge area and Josh was closest to security. I knew that Justin had done this to make it easier for Josh and I but I couldn't help but see it as a metaphor for how Josh and I related to each other. We were stuck on two sides of a divide with Justin stuck in the middle.

That was something that we were going to have to work on.

"I think that's everything." Justin said as he came to find me. "Did you talk to Lance?"

"He and I talked." I replied, not sure whether I should disclose what James had said to me. I thought about telling Justin but then realised that it was not something that I wanted to share. It was nice to know that he was there for me and I didn't want Justin to get jealous of the tentative friendship that we were building. There would be time in the future to discuss my friendship with James. "Is JC ready to go?"

"He's in his bunk." Justin said. "I think he wanted to listen to some music or something."

"Or get out of talking to us?" I asked, knowingly. Justin shrugged. "Go get him." I prompted. "We need to talk through a lot of things today, but we also need to get used to spending time together."

"Okay." Justin said, although he didn't look happy about it. I wasn't too thrilled with it either but I wanted to get this out of the way while my nerves were intact. I was putting on a brave face but I was scared to death inside.

I hoped that Josh would not see how scared I was of him because that would give him more power over me and he already had enough of that because I was scared of him.

Josh

I had not expected to see Justin so soon after Tim got on the bus. I wanted to give them some time alone together so when Justin came to get me I wondered if they had fallen out. The part of me that still wanted Justin all to myself thought this was a small victory but I was glad this was becoming a much smaller part every day and that I could drown that voice out. I wanted this thing with Tim to work and deep down I knew that this would be the only way I would ever be with Justin. If Tim and he broke up then he would be scarred and I would never get to love him if his heart was closed.

"Josh?" Justin called, sounding so uncertain that I wanted to take that pain away. "Can you come out?"

"I was just listening to..." I grabbed for the CD but was not surprised to find that there was nothing in the machine. I had been too busy thinking about the future to actually select a song. "What did you want?"

"Tim thinks that we ought to talk." Justin replied.

The tone of his voice said that he didn't want to talk to us. It was time to be adults about this and I realised that for once I was going to have to take the lead.

"Okay." I said, swinging into the standing position. Justin looked as if he had been expecting a fight and I thought this was something we would have to address. Justin and I would never be lovers if he still did not trust me, or if he thought that I still did not like Tim.

If we had met in a different place, without Justin, Tim and I would probably have been friends. Okay, we probably never would have met, but we could have been friends. I would have to concentrate on that if this was going to work and if Tim could put aside my obvious flaws then I could work on my dislike of him. When you took away the fact that he had Justin and I didn't there really wasn't any basis for my dislike anyway.

We entered the lounge and Tim was sitting, waiting, an unread book on the table in front of him. I knew that he was not reading it because the spine was uncracked and it was clear he had not started to read it yet.

"Hi." I said, a small nod in his direction.

"Hi." He replied.

We shared a look that said neither of us trusted the other but that we were willing to try. I took a seat next to him and then motioned for Justin to do the same. No one spoke and we sat there until the bus pulled away. It was hardly the conversation of the century but it was a start. A small step in the right direction towards what I hoped would be a happy future for all of us.

Justin

I think that first trip on the bus was the longest journey that any of us would make, both in imagined time and in a more metaphorical sense. Although the conversation was stilted and little more than small talk we were starting to get more comfortable around each other and after the high emotions of the previous day it was nice to just talk about the weather and the upcoming venues.

There was an undercurrent of tension as we all knew that there were much more important matters that we had to wade through, but for the first few hours we were content to let them slide.

We stopped for lunch and as we stepped off the bus I could not help but feel as if I wanted to spend time away from Josh and Tim, if only to get away from that tension. It made me think that we ought to deal with the real issues that afternoon but I didn't know how to broach the subject.

Chris was a light relief over lunch. He persuaded me to go to get McDonald's with him, flouting the junk food ban that we had on tour and rebelling in our own way against the constraints of the tour. We each ordered a small coke, a cheeseburger and shared some fries. It was hardly the revolution of the century but it took my mind off my troubles with Tim and Josh and gave me the break that I needed.

I should have known that it was more than that.

"Are you okay, kid?" Chris asked me as we headed back to the hotel. "I mean, you know that you can come to me if there is anything that you want to talk about. I know I'm not in the best position to understand you, but if you need to talk..."

"Thanks." I replied. It was good to know that he wasn't going to treat me differently because I had a boyfriend. "I'll bear that in mind."

"Or Lance." Chris added. "I mean, he gets it - probably more than I do and I'm sure that you could talk to him.

"I'm fine." I replied.

Chris frowned.

"Okay, I'm not fine, but I'm working it out."

"Okay." Chris replied, and then started off into a story about Dani's latest exploits with the fashion company that she was trying to get off the ground.

That was the thing with Chris, he would have a serious conversation one minute and then would be regaling you with a crazy ass story the next. It annoyed some people because they thought that he was not taking them seriously but having studied psychology and knowing people as he did Chris was a good judge of character. It made it easy to confide in him.

I had told him that I was working it out and felt that I ought to. Making myself a promise I decided that I would get the boys to talk. I may not have been the one to instigate this but I was the reason that the two most important men in my life had come up with this plan and I decided that it was time to take some responsibility for it.

I should have known that being older and smarter Josh and Tim would have worked it out sooner that I did.

Tim

Justin left the bus, laughing and joking with Chris as if he was going about his every day life and I suppose that he was but at the time I couldn't believe that he would leave me alone with JC.

Suddenly the book that I had left lying on the table in front of me became interesting and I tried to concentrate on it and not think about the fact that I was alone with Josh and that the last time we had been alone together he had attacked me.

"It's okay. I'm not going to come after you, not again." Josh said, leaning in the doorway and smiling. I panicked and all I could think was that he was blocking the exit, stopping me from leaving.

I hadn't had a panic attack in years but it came on as soon as the thoughts and feelings of that night came back to me. Josh, obviously concerned, came closer but this only worried me more and I moved backward into one corner, drawing my knees up in front of me and trying desperately to struggle for a breath.

I had done this before when I was younger and in a school where I was bullied for being different. The football team would use me as a punching bag and I remember that they used to back me into a corner like this.

Josh must have realised that I was not in my right frame of mind because he slowed his approach and held his hands out in front of him, showing his surrender.

"I know you're scared right now, and that I am probably the last person that you want to be here and see you like this but I'm worried about you. I can either go and get someone else or we can do this together."

I looked up at him, seeing Josh and trying to clear my mind of what I was seeing in my head and think rationally.

He wasn't going to hurt me.

He wasn't going to hurt me.

I had to keep telling myself that as he sat there. Josh didn't just sit there though, he continued talking to me.

"Take a few deep breathes and try to calm down. I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe, you're on the bus and the door is right over there. You can leave if you need to, as soon as you're breathing slowly enough to walk out of here."

"I'm okay." I finally managed when I started to calm down. I knew that the hyperventilating had not been good for me though and I was shaking from the tension of being rigid with fear. "I'm okay." I added again, trying to persuade both Josh and myself of that fact.

"I'm just going to move a bit closer to help you up." Josh said. "I'm not about to try anything."

I knew that he was trying desperately not to panic me again and by announcing his movements and doing everything slowly and clearly he reminded me of a zoo keeper with a wounded animal. I suppose that is what I was but I didn't like admitting it much and even more I hated that Josh had been the person to see my moment of weakness. Surely he would use this against me.

"I'm sorry." Josh said as he got close enough to touch. I flinched slightly when I felt his hand brush my arm but relaxed as I realised that he was not going to hurt me. The tears on his cheeks told me what was wrong.

"We're both completely fucked up, aren't we?" I asked humourlessly. "It's a wonder that Justin wants either of us."

Josh sniffled slightly and I saw mirrored in him the pain and insecurity that I too was feeling.

I did the only thing that I could do and reached out for him, no longer scared and instead wanting to share in his pain and comfort him for it because if I could console him then it meant that I too could be consoled.

Josh paused a moment, wondering what I was doing, before wrapping his arms around me and returning the embrace. We sat there for a moment, just revelling in the feeling of it before I let out a sob and cried as well.

We cried for what felt like hours as we both released the pent up emotions of the last few months when we were separated from Justin. Josh may have been physically close to him, and I was emotionally close to him but we had both been denied him in some aspect. Now that the three of us were together Josh and I would have to learn to share, but it seemed we already shared so much in mutual feelings that we had not realised.

I don't know who started it. I think perhaps it was me because Josh would not betray me again but soon I was tasting salty tears that were not my own. The kissing started almost automatically as a way to seek comfort from the pain, a response to the emotional release of crying.

Josh pulled away, a horrified look in his eyes as he thought he was using me in the one way he had not been able to in that hotel room. It was what he had meant to do but at the last minute he had realised that he was not the monster he had imagined he could be. I knew that now.

"I'm sorry." He said, struggling to escape from my arms.

I don't know why but I didn't want to let him go.

"I'm sorry." He tried again. "I didn't mean to..."

I shut him off with another kiss, not wanting to hear the words of apology.

"Shhh." I spoke, my lips still touching his. "I don't want you to apologise unless you don't want this."

"You can't want this, want me." Josh replied.

"I'd rather want you than fear you. I don't want to be scared of you anymore."

"But why?"

"I just want to forget." I replied and realised as I spoke the words how true they were. I didn't want to think of the hotel room every time I looked at Josh. I didn't want to worry about him taking Justin from me. I didn't want to be disgusted every time I looked at him and felt a flicker of attraction for a man that should repulse me. "I just want to start again as if none of this ever happened."

Josh smiled shyly and blinked away fresh tears.

"Hi, I'm Josh."

"I'm Tim." I said returning his smile. "And it is a pleasure to meet you."

Josh leaned in to kiss me and I was about to return it when I heard a gasp from the doorway where Josh had first stood.

"Oh My..."

Justin stood in the doorway, his mouth was open as if he was aghast but the true shock was in his face which was half dazed and half aroused.

"What are you doing?" He asked finally.

"You can stand there and watch or you can leave." Josh said, sounding very authoritative all of a sudden. "But either way Tim and I are going to do this."

I was wondering what this was.

As Josh reached out to stroke my cheek reassuringly I thought that I was going to find out.

"I..." Justin faltered for a moment before moving to the other sofa and sitting down.

Josh continued to stroke my cheek as he looked into my eyes.

"You don't have to be scared anymore." He said, undoing the top button of my jeans and pulling me forward on my seat.

Part of me wanted to stop him, to ask what he was going to do as he slid down to his knees.

" You're in control." Josh said softly as he pulled my hips forward. "If you don't want this, all you have to do is tell me. If you say stop, I'll stop."

And as he began to pull my pants down to my ankles I realised what he was doing. I didn't want him to stop. As crazy as it seemed I knew that I wanted this. Wanted him. I only had a moment to think before he was taking me in his mouth. Then I couldn't think anymore because I was lost in a world of pleasure and sensation. I definitely didn't want this to stop.

Justin

I'm not sure what I felt when I first saw Josh and Tim kissing in the back of the bus. I felt equal parts betrayed and turned on and because I was getting hard at the sight I felt disgusted at myself for being so weak. It was the same feeling I had thinking about the fact that I needed both Tim and Josh in my life. Now I realised that there was a way to have both of them without leaving either one out and I was intrigued by it. I wanted to stay and watch because I was fascinated but also because I was hornier than I had been in my life.

Josh was a considerate lover. He paid as much attention to that blow job as he did to his music, as if he was putting his heart and soul into it.

Tim was trying his hardest not to move. At first I wondered if he was scared and didn't want Josh to continue but then I saw the masked desire on his face and realised that he was fighting his feelings of wanting to push further into Josh's mouth.

Josh was swallowing Tim almost down to his root and I wondered how many other men Josh had done this with. I quashed the thought as jealousy bubbled up from somewhere inside me and instead focused on Tim. His eyes were half closed, as if he didn't want to look at me, but I knew that it was not because of this but because he so deeply aroused.

I wanted to be where he was.

I wanted Josh to be sucking me.

I reached down and could feel my own hard on pressing against the denim on my jeans. It hurt a little and a part of me wanted to pull out my cock and relieve it of its burden but I knew to do so would cheapen whatever it was that Josh and Tim were sharing.

This was their moment and I didn't want to do anything to ruin it.

I concentrated on thinking of things that wouldn't make me come, My Mum and Dad having sex. Paul and Mum, having sex. Britney naked. Anything disgusting enough to stop me coming.

I watched as Tim's face tightened, I knew he was close. His eyes always scrunch slightly as he is about to come. I expected Josh to pull away but instead he held Tim closely and waited until his shivers had subsided.

When Josh was done he sat back on his haunches and waited.

I wondered what Tim would do next. He had not been expecting to have sex with Josh and I thought for a moment that he might punch him out. He surprised me by tucking himself away and then leaning down to pull Josh towards him. Instead of hitting him he kissed him. He must have tasted himself in Josh's mouth but that didn't seem to matter.

"Thank you." I heard Tim say as he kissed Josh again.

I felt like an intruder on this moment and instead of staying where I was I moved to their side. I didn't want to interrupt but I also didn't want to be left out.

"Justin?" Josh asked.

"Are you okay?" I asked, looking between them and not sure which one I should be asking. Both had been crying and looked as if they were coming out the other side of an emotional war.

"I think so." Tim replied.

"We will be." Josh said at the same time.

They laughed and it was the first time that I think we had all been happy in a long time.

There was a lot to work out but I felt reassured that no matter what decisions we made we would be making them together.

To Be Continued.