Author's note:
This story is partly fictional and partly real. I left the locations of my story blank, as to assist reader's comprehension (well, I don't really know much of the places in US or UK...) Feel free to conjure up whatever places you have in mind while reading the story. But there's one thing you should know before reading, what you read in regards of the homophobic society I'm living in, is true. I'm from an Asian country but will not reveal where until requested through email. I hope you enjoy my first ever story on nifty... please direct all your comments and criticism to quoted_byme@yahoo.com. Cheers!
Copyright 2004 quoted_byme@yahoo.com. All Rights Reserved. Please do not redistribute this story or display it on other sites without permission.
Brennan. That's the only name that hammered my thoughts on my journey back home. I recalled soberly the meeting I had before with him at the college cafeteria;
"Hi Jackson!" Brennan called from behind the water cooler where I was quenching my mooring thirst. I blurted a drenched vocal with drops of waters adhered on my lips, "Owh, hiyah Behrennan..." My heart pounds its usual rapid rhythm, dancing alongside the tempo of pelting rain, heavily pouring outside the campus. "What's up buddy?" he said, cheerful and smiley as always... ah... the beauty of it... Out of habit, I placed a hand nonchalantly on my hair to straighten it. I wished dreadfully time would freeze so I could peruse my unattractive face on the mirror. "Nothing much really... just finished my research in the library. Waiting for the bloody rain to stop so I could walk back," I replied, my hand still attempting to straighten my messy hair.
"Ah... I could give you a ride home you know?" said Brennan in his husky, dreamy voice. "Really? Erm... I wouldn't want to trouble you... I'm pretty sure the rain will stop sooner." I replied nervously, delighted by the offer. "Nah its fine. The rain will definitely stop; the question is when will it stop. Come on." He pulled me closer and placed an arm around my shoulder, a friendly gesture he does with most of his friends. The only difference is, my heart never fail to skip a beat whenever he does that. We walked to the college's parking lot, shoulder on shoulder, like best bud or brothers-in-arm. I could hear him breathing while he chatted away, his face so clearly imprinted in a precious reservoir of my memory. I wonder if there's any chance...
"Yo, we're here. Get in this baby. What are you waiting for?"
I startled momentarily. Brennan is already seated on drivers seat of his sleek gray Honda car, engine purring and patient. I released myself from my brief fantasy and got in,
flashing a nervous smile. I hate my nerve. Totally.
"You're pretty quiet today. Got a lot of chicks on your mind?" Brennan question cheekily. I sighed deeply in my heart. "Nah, just worried about college assignments... You know, with our term coming to an end soon. Lecturers spamming us with excessive projects and papers," I replied, staring fixedly on the windshield's wiper monotonously bobbing right and left. "Aw... come on, relax. Give yourself some time off once in a while. It's not like you have to score 4.0 GPA for this semester. Nobody really cares anyway."
I do, I said quietly.
I am not exactly conceived from a well-off family. In fact, I would consider my family to have slightly below average income. However, college fees come as hefty with another sister for my parents to support as well. With fusion of perspirations, relentless oil lamps, hard works and moral support from parents, I managed to obtain a full scholarship for my college diploma with my A-LVL examination result. Needless to say, good result is expected every term in order to maintain the funding. I have successfully sustained good result for the past years by sacrificing the joy ride most college students possessed. But hey, no pain, no gain rite?
Silence ensued. I listened to the rhythm of the falling raindrops, beating merrily on his windshield. Brennan switched on the radio. "Hey your favourite song is on!" he remarked to the guitar riff of Red Hot Chili Pepper's 'Can't Stop' I smiled, genuinely happy. He remembered my favourite song after all, I thought happily.
Then he dropped a bombshell.
"Ya know, I would be really grateful if you could help me with a tiny itsie-bitsy favour," he said. My temporary joy vanished into thin air. "There's this really annoying research that my lecturer hand down to our class. I think it's pretty much related to whatever research you guys are doing. About some kind of dead artists who were into abstract arts... ya know, like that Picasso guy. He's one of them."
"Uh-huh," I replied, my voice tone showing no sign of consent or decline.
"Well I had to do a paper on Renaissance's effect on mankind..." I continued. "Hey, that's great then! I guess it must be pretty closely related since both of them are art movements in the past. Why the hell do we need to learn art history anyway? Useless bullshits. So I assume that's a yes from you, yeah?" Brennan said.
Closely related? And you call yourself an art student? The uncanny irony... I pondered quietly.
"Well yeah, assuming if I have enough time on my hand to spare some on your research..." Before I could finish my sentence, he thrust his free hand towards my arm and grabbed it tightly. "Gee, thanks a lot buddy. You're a totally cool. I'll treat you a cup of coffee next time. I knew you wouldn't let me down." He flashed a striking smile that melts away my heart every time I view such spectacular creation... "Yeah, I guess," I replied.
The rain stopped soon enough, and Brennan dropped me off at a bus station close to my house. As I walked slowly back home, my sneakers splashing puddles of rainwater on the pavement, the solitude in the air formed a sparkle of tear, bedimmed on my eye.
Well I should be glad I'm his buddy at least. A good friend. I persuaded myself pervasively, not wanting to accept the fact that I'm being used, by that one guy that I couldn't stop falling in love with. Why? Why him...? Someone straight to begin with... Someone who's probably homophobic as most male straight guys are... Why...? The questions played repetitively like a looping music in my mind, searching for an answer that will never surface. Love is blind, they say. It truly is.
"Ma, I'm home," I yelled.
"Oh welcome home, dear," Ma said, glancing at me from kitchen.
"Ma I'm skipping dinner tonight, got plenty of work to do, so don't bother calling me out, I'll be stuck in my room all night long," I said quickly, afraid that my mom will start singing the nagging song, which she did promptly. "Are you out of your mind? You can skip your tea time, your supper, but never ever skip the 3 important meals daily. You see, that's why you're shorter than most college kid, weaker too. You ought to eat more and work out more, that's why you couldn't get any girlfriends up till now. And now you're telling me that you're gonna skip meal for some assignments that you probably procrastinate..."
Yeah, rub it in Ma, I said silently in my heart and walk up the stairs with fatigue steps accompanied by my Ma's condescending nagging orchestra. I locked my room's door and heavily slumped on my bed. My Ma's orchestra finished abruptly as I heard footsteps in the kitchen. Finally. Some much needed solitude.
"You see, that's why you're shorter than most college kid, weaker too. You ought to eat more and work out more, that's why you couldn't get any girlfriends up till now..." Ma's voice echoed, prodding my depress heart. Shit. I hate life.
My parents are clueless that I'm queer. And they're expecting me to get a girlfriend. I overheard them couple of times planning about my life in the future with a wife and having my own family. Right, like that's going to happen in a million years.
I glanced at the mirror placed beside the bed, above my study table.
I'm not much of a looker really. Glasses are part of my body already as contact lenses will exposed my heavy black eye bags that I acquired over the past years studying all night long. Even now sleep is scarce. My friends constantly mention about how I always look tired, as if I was screwing some one all night long. (I'd rather someone screwing me but they naturally thought I'm straight so...) That shows how much these people know about me. Not to mention my dwarf height. At 5 foots 3 inches, I'm probably one of the shortest guy in college. To top it all up, at the age 20, I'm still a virgin. A gay virgin. Not much luck with gay guys anyway. Most of the guys I know are either straight or in the closet. In this homophobic country, chances are nobody will tell you they're gay. Gay people go to jail for being gay. Well even if there are gay guys they probably wont fall for me at first glance. I'd figured if I don't have the look, then I should at least have knowledge. But heck, for guys, straight or male, it's all about sex. (Did I forget that I'm a guy too?)
Stop with the whining already. It's not like it's the end of the world.
With gloomy heart, I walked heavily to the bathroom, turned on the shower and succumbed to the intimate touch of water. The cool water drenched my body as well as my heart. I stood there, stagnant, wishing time would stop.
I woke up late the next morning. I stayed up whole night researching for information and jotting them down. Pathetic bastard, I swore at Brennan. My paper is due in few days time and now my hands are full of his shit... No wonder he was nice to me last night... well... he has always been nice... always smiling and thanking. Yeah, he better thank me after all the helps he requested from me. I couldn't even count how many times I helped him out with his own works. He'll probably fail if I don't exist...
"Hey, Jack!!!"
I jumped. "Paula! Shit you scared me shitless! Next time sneak on me and yell at my ear will you?"
"Oh, gladly dear." Paula remarked, her usual sarcastic smirk plastered on her pretty face. "You know, I bumped into a cute guy just now, and even got his name! He's call Sean, so totally hot. Black jet hair, fair skinned, smooth face..."
"Yeah almost everyone here has natural black jet hair unless they dyed it. I thought you have a boyfriend already. What are you doing flirting around?"
"Boyfriend? He's just my toy!" Paula giggled.
I rolled my eyes. "Hey it's time already lets get to class," I said, wearily, evidently sleepy and jaded. "Did you jerk off the whole night yesterday? Gee, you look awfully tired," said Paula with a mischievous twinkle, illuminated in her eyes. "Yeah yeah, I jerked off on gay porn whole night. Happy?" I retorted. "Very, dear. You know, you gotta make yourself happy at times. I don't blame you for that," she said. I rolled my eyes again, almost rolling it over 180 degrees.
Paula was among the few friends that I come out to. Ever since the cruel realization hit me that I'm fully gay, I began searching for comfort from within close friends. Confide in them and lessen the burden on my shoulder. Well, there's no way the burden is going to go away, the least I can do is trust my very friends and wished they would not betray me. Another important communication medium for my sanity is the internet. It is where I read information on gay issues, on sexuality, on coming out... It is also the place where I encountered and obtained great online friendship with people, straight and gay (mostly), from all over the world, where I confide in them as well... In this new age of information technology, those who still reckon online friendship is superficial and unreal, hey, it got me out of my depression couple of times before. Real or not, internet has changed my life. Without it, I'll be a depressed, glum, disheartened, suppressed, unsocial-able child who is stuck between society's expectation and personal inclination. Hell. Destiny sucks. Stupid caustic homophobic society.
As the sky darkens from blue to hellish orange and finally pitch black, I found myself staring stupidly in front of the computer, typing out Brennan's research. My paper is due in 3 days time and I'm only halfway through with Brennan's... Well a promise is a promise; I can't let my dear friend down... Fuck Brennan, since when do I act as your slave... The word "slave" suddenly catalyzed a vision of his naked flesh and leather, candles and belts...
A loud ring crashed my fantasy back to cold hard reality.
My cell phone, vibrating like a dildo that vibrates (what's that call again? A vibrator?) Asshole, who the hell is this? I pondered aloud.
"Hey, buddy! Brennan here!"
My heart missed a beat.
"He... Hey!" I stammered. Shit. My nerves again.
"I was just wondering, have you completed my papers yet? I made a mistake about what I'm supposed to do..." I listened in disbelieve. Silence.
"Er... well you see, apparently my lecturer wanted research on impressionism not abstract..." His voice trailing off, like a broken tape recorder. "So since it's gonna be due soon, I thought to make up for my mistake, I could come over to your place... and hopefully you can help me a little... well cause I dunno how to do proper paper and references and all those shit ya know... Just help your desperate friend here will you? Please..."
The nerve... So my nightly vigil proves unworthy after all this while... My adrenaline rushed with anger, my blood boiling, my heart racing.
"Next time, read your brief properly before asking for any help you asshole, I spent 2 nights already doing your fucking papers and shamelessly you asked for more help. Put yourself in my position bastard!" Shaking, I inhaled and exhaled deeply, attempting to hold my anger before I yelled more profanities on the phone.
I could almost hear Brennan's shock in the silence that ensued few seconds after.
"I'm sorry," he muttered slowly, indisputably apologetic.
Just like that, my anger evaporates, replaced by sympathy for a guy that I
relentlessly love, no matter how ignorant he is.
"Well what are you waiting for? Get your ass here and lets work on this together."
"Right on, captain." Brennan replied, relieved. I could hear his smile.
It was midnight when he arrived on the front porch. My parents and sister are fast asleep. I led him in the house through the back door and into my messy room. Great, I thought. In my haste to groom myself, I conveniently forgot to clean my room. Brennan stared around and jumped on my bed. "Hey, now this feels like home," he remarked, subtly bouncing on my bed. My trying-not-to-be-perverted brain couldn't help fantasizing him on my bed, stark naked...
"
You know, I imagined your room to be like a doctor's clinic, sterilized and clean, no dust, no germ, neat and straight to the point," he said. I chuckled at his judgmental joke. "Well it's pretty obvious how stereotype comes into play when it comes into judging people's room, huh?" He shrugged. "I guess." A slight anger seeped into my feeling.
Yeah, people see me as a nerd. And with that comes other stereotyping that nerds are boring, they read all the time, they study all the time, they're clean, they have no life... Fuck. The one thing I hate about stereotyping, it's never accurate on individual levels. I like being a nerd; a nerd who cares about his grades in order to maintain his funding for college, a nerd who has excellent friends who cares for each other, a nerd who has passion for what he's studying, a nerd who enjoys a wild night out just like any other rich kid who pays college fees and never attend a single lecture, a nerd who cares about others just as much as he cares about himself... well at times.
"Hey, whaddya say we get a couple of beers while we work? Since I'm clueless shit on how to do my work, bunking here for the night will be a good idea. We can help each other out ya know?" Brennan said. I shook my head. Thank god he didn't asked me if I would like some weed, I'd kick him out right away. He told me before about his experiences with drugs, getting wasted and even distributing it in clubs. He even threw in a nice brotherly advice to me; not to go near those rubbish. Uh-huh, good job on demonstrating your point.
"Right, do as you please, Mister Brennan, my hands are full with my work and YOUR work, so just fuck the beers and get to work," I said coolly. "Whoa, relax there buddy, a little relaxation couldn't hurt," Brennan said, smirking as he fumbled inside his brown sling bag with a Nike 'Just do it' logo imprinted on the front. His hands emerged from the depths of the sling bag, grasping a pack of canned beers. He stripped 2 cans of its handle and threw one over to me. "Come on! Haven't you heard? Beer helps stimulate your brain," he said, grinning ear to ear. I rolled my eyes. Helped myself with the beer, nonetheless.
We finally got down to work a few minutes after, I was lucky I printed out part of my research on paper and could run through it without the help of the computer. Brennan ran a couple of search at Yahoo.com but to no avail. I helped him later and for a few moments we're really working like a team.
The night dug deeper into darkness, waiting for the dawn to come nigh.
I was still jotting some notes down, when I realized Brennan was asleep on my bed, face blushing red from the excessive beers he downed. I stopped and stared at him. The yellow table lamb illuminates his smooth muscular face, lavished beautifully with his perfect sharp nose and strong jaw, his breath calm and endearing. His moist lips, wet from the booze, spells luscious and sexy. I forgotten how much trouble he had put me through and continue to gaze intently at the beautiful creature lying asleep peacefully on my bed. It's evident why so many girls have fallen for him. Mister Good-looking who is never too cocky, friendly with everyone, charming, funny... his current girlfriend must have immensely enjoyed his companionship.
Gradually, subconsciously, I inched closer to him. My logic and common sense vanished into thin air, mesmerized by an angel, lying asleep on my very bed. Before I came out from the trance, my lips were at the same level as his. I gulped. Slowly, my lips edged closer to his until I could feel his wet lips caressing mine. Closing my eyes, I kissed him softly and subtly, my only witness that night was the full moon, pouring soothing cream coloured light into the bedroom, painting Brennan's face.
Then he opened his eyes.
I froze.
He stared a moment into my eyes, bewildered. Neither of us spoke for a minute or two. Then he broke the silence, "What the fuck are you doing?" he screamed, reasonably loud. Perspirations broke. I stood up and walked back towards my computer, terribly shaken. I dare not think of what will come next...
A little bit drunk, but still sane, he grabbed his sling bag and hopped out of my bed so quickly as though it's contaminated with virus. He stared at me for another couple of minutes, shock and probably in fear..."I... I... Brennan... I'm sorry..." I stammered, trying to look into his fearful or shock eyes, I couldn't tell. "I've been wanting to tell you... that I'm a..."
"A perverted faggot that's what you are," he shouted.
"Brennan, please don't scream... my parents are asleep, I don't want to wake them..." I tried to reason with him, sweat drenching my shirt. Letting my parents know I'm gay prematurely before I'm ready is equivalent to a death sentence to me.
"Yeah, fuck that! The whole college will know what you are tomorrow. Fuck you! That's why you wanted to help me all this while. You have dirty perverted reasons! Stupid homo!" with that he barged out of my room, slammed my door so hard that it shook my room and out into the porch within second. He sped away into the dawning morn, leaving my shattered self behind.
I heard doors unlocked and footsteps heading to my room. Oh great! That's what I need! Both my father and mother stood by my room's door. My sister was still asleep, thankfully. "What the hell is that?" my mom inquired, louder than necessary. Shit, they must've heard Brennan screaming. I was about to explain sorry that I'm gay shit, but was stopped by my father's question, "I heard a loud bang coming from your room? Are you all right?" I've never been so relieved in my life before. So they haven't heard the commotion between Brennan and I. So they didn't know I'm gay. "Nothing Dad, must be the wind, I'm pretty sleepy, if you'll excuse me, I'll like to sleep," I answered, trying to sound as normal as possible despite my mooring anguish.
"But we heard a car sped away..."
"Please, Ma, I'm trying to get some sleep, must be some drunk peeps outside driving recklessly. Just GO out! I need to sleep!" I almost screamed.
My parents knew something was up. They didn't ask anymore. They closed my door and left me, alone. I waited a few minutes before letting my guard down. Tears flowed down in a strong current, my nose wet and my sobbing muffled by the pillow I pressed on my face. That's it. Game over. I screwed up big time. For the first time in my life, I know how it felt like wanting to attempt a suicide.
God... help me...
END of chapter 1.