Vanity House 4
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Change Me
“Whoa, AJ, what's your issue?”
I wanted to storm off. I wanted to storm off so bad but I just turned around, forced a fake smile and said, “Nothing.”
I was a fucking idiot. I was more of a fucking idiot when I saw Vice and Roman walking out behind everyone else holding hands. They were actually holding hands. They weren't holding hands like brothers did. They held hands like lovers. Vice was letting everyone know that Roman was his man. I guess they had made up. I never did stand a chance.
I didn't even know why I bothered. I wouldn't give Roman the victory though. I wouldn't let him know he made me look like a fool.
I tried my best to ignore them. Everyone was excited. Everyone was in a good mood. Even Nima had grab me a few times.
“You too good to dance with me huh?”
She laughed and danced circles around me. She was drunk. We weren't even inside the club yet but you could hear the music from the outside. There was huge line but I watched as Jaime went straight up to the bouncer. He handed him something. I wasn't sure what it was. Then he waited and patted each of us on the shoulder. The bouncer let us just walk in. He didn't ask for our id or pat us down or charge us or anything. I heard some cursing from the back of the line and I was pretty sure Nima had said something to enrage the people standing on line even more.
The club was packed. It was a gay bar but it wasn't as crazy as I thought it would be. Guys were dancing naked on tables or anything. I could tell by the guys holding hands that it was definitely gay though. Everyone seemed sweaty dancing to punk music. The crowd was unruly on the dance floor but we were high above the dance floor. I figured his was VIP. I hadn't seen a club like this before. Truth be told I hadn't really been to a club before. The closest I got was when I had to come pick up Biggie in his truck when he got too drunk as his little hick bar around the corner. The walls were covered in huge statues and the disco lights shot out smoke, glitter and cold brushes of air.
“Dance with me!” Nima shouted at me.
I shook my head, “Not really in the mood.”
I pulled away from her. She had been nothing but rude to me since I came in the house. Now that SHE was in a good mood, I didn't have to act like we were best friends. I sat on the far end of the couch away from the rest of them.
They didn't even seem to notice. Jaime was at the bar talking to a bouncer. Barka and Nima were dancing on the dance floor. Then what killed me the most was Vice and Roman. Roman was leaned back against the wall and Vice was talking to him. They were just regular talking. Vice was talking in a sexy way with his hand over Roman's head. He was almost cuffing him.
I got up and went to the VIP bathroom.
Luckily the VIP bathroom was pretty empty. I didn't know what I was doing in here but when I saw the mirror I saw exactly what I was doing in here. I looked at my reflection. I looked at my long nose and slanted eyes. I looked at my lips. I smiled in the mirror. I turned my head and examined my profile. I did it over and over and over and over and over.
“It's not going to change...”
I hadn't realized Barka had followed me into the bathroom. I took a deep breath. I guess she could still use the men's bathroom f she wanted to.
She went in front of the mirror and took out her make up kit, “You upset aren't you?”
“No...”
“Yes you are. You're jealous over Roman and Vice. You thought you and Roman had something going.”
My mouth dropped. What the hell just happened? Barka was in the mirror steadily putting more blush over her face in the calmest way. I didn't get it. First off she didn't need any more blush at all and second off how would she KNOW something like that.
Was she some sort of prophet?
“Um...I, what?”
“Don't deny it hunny,” she stated, “I got ears everywhere in Captiva. My home girl Dixie said she saw my baby brother Roman hand in hand on the shore with some scrawny little Asian looking boy. Then don't think I didn't overhear Roman telling Neiman how he kissed you.”
“He told Neiman about that?”
“Oh yeah, they all tell Neiman everything. They trust him way over Barka Barka. Ok I've been known to talk a little but your safe with me. I won't say a thing.”
I all of a sudden felt uncomfortable but still grateful if she didn't say anything. The last thing I wanted was to give Vice another reason to act funny as hell around me. I didn't want any strange activity. Truth was I didn't even want to be around Vice at all. It was Roman that I wanted.
“Roman don't hold boy's hands now. Roman isn't the touchy touchy type. I've known Roman over 10 years.”
“I couldn't tell out there...”
“That's the only one he's like that with. Well...I guess you too.”
I shook my head confused. I was so damn confused. I kept shaking my head. Truth was I wanted to just break down. It was everything that made me want to break down. It wasn't just Roman. I had come to this weird place with these weird people. I was the outsider. I didn't belong. I didn't even know what I was doing here. I wanted a different life but here I was so misplaced. It was like I woke up from a nightmare but I had become so ACCUSTOMED to that nightmare.
“It feels like...like ...” I stated.
Barka put her hands on my shoulder, “Go ahead and spit it out sweetie pie. It'll feel mo' betta'
afterwards.”
“I want to jump out of my own skin. I'm so ugly.”
“Ugly? Because of Roman. Hunny, Roman and Vice will always be like that. They go back and forth. Roman will have to figure out one day...”
“And on that day I'll still be ugly. I'll still be useless...”
I sounded dumb. I sounded so dumb. Why would I tell this woman that I had thought about commiting suicide. How could she understand what I meant? The feeling that I didn' belong was so strong in me. I remembered how the boys used to tease me my whole life. The memories started piling back in. I looked in the mirror and all of a sudden I was back there. All of a sudden I was that boy again.
“Junior high was the first time I wanted to lose my life,” I stated thinking back, “It was the first time I felt so uncomfortable I wanted to jump out of my skin. My stepfather had found gay porn on the computer. He went around told everyone at school what I was looking at. He passed out copies of the sites I had looked at. Wewantcock.com...”
All of a sudden Barka started to laugh.
Her laugh triggered a snicker of my own but I quickly followed up with , “It's not funny.”
“Hunny it is...dry them tears. Here...”
I hadn't realized I had been crying until she reached over and handed me a piece of tissue. I felt so bad for myself all of a sudden but Barka moved over to me and whispered in my ear, “They beat you after that didn't they?”
“They beat me everyday. My stepdad watched it one time. He watched four boys beat me at the grocery market. He said that's what faggots get.”
She nodded, “Oh and it seems like that is what we get.”
“What?”
“That is what we get,” she stated, shaking her head, “You heard me. We get that pain but we get that triumph too. How can you find yourself without doubting who they say you should be? Answer me that.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “You can't.”
Barka laughed. She had the most homely southern laugh in the world. It was one of those laughters that reached into your heart and squeezed just a little.
“You think you the only one wanted to jump skins. I used to wake up screaming inside. What was this thing between my legs? There shouldn't be no THANG hanging there. I was a lady. I was a sweet buttered brown QUEEN of the NILE. And all of a sudden here I was with this horrible chest hair on me and who put this goatee here. I used to think God made a mistake but being the Baptist belle I couldn't blame God. Someone had made a mistake though. You understand? I was a lady. I was sugar than candy. There was nothing hard but my pecan pie crust. And they beat me for it, just like they did you. They beat me because SOMEONE had made a mistake. And no matter how much I shouted at the top of the lungs nothing happened. CHANGE ME! CHANGE ME! So it came the time where I had to change myself and I had no choice to love this creature that I had created because if I didn't no one else would.”
She sounded so educated, but it wasn't an education that came from reading too many books. It was an educating from living too much life.
“I get it,” I smiled at her.
“I know you do. You special hunny. I pulled your card the first time you got here,” she replied, “Now come out there and let Brother Roman see what he's missing in his life.”
The night had gone one well after Barka had the talk with me. If anything I came out that bathroom knowing I had to figure out some things about myself. Barka knew what she wanted to be. My physical appearance wasn't the issue. There was something deep inside of me that I needed to change and I needed to figure what that was. I had to tackle that issue.
I found myself at the bar away from the others. I had my eyes mostly set on Jaime who was further down. I was pretty sure he was having a full blown conversation but I didn't know for sure. I had no idea where Vice was but Roman was sitting wedged between Barka and Nima. They were laughing and telling jokes. It seemed like they were having fun. Roman and I hadn't spoken the entire night and it seemed like a good time but I didn't. Part of me wanted to join in but I wasn't ready to be around Roman especially now that I had a few drinks in my cup.
“You want another one?”
The bartender asked.
I waved him away, “No thanks. I'm good.”
Plus Jaime had been paying for all the drinks that I had so there was no way I was going to get another one.
“You sure? It's on me...my special...
I hadn't noticed the bartender until now. He was smiling at me and he had a great smile. He was brown skin with pink lips. His hair was grown out into a short afro. He had a nice body and a tank top that showed it off but it wasn't any of those things that caught my attention right off the bat. The thing that drew me in almost immediately was his eyes. He had these dazzling blue eyes that caught me completely off guard.
“I'm fine,” I stated shaking my head again, “Thanks though. Anyone ever tell you that you look like...”
“Michael Ealy?”
I nodded, “Yeah I think that's that guy's name. You definitely look like him. You must be related or something.”
“I should sue him for stealing my face.”
This guy was actually a little bit more attractive than Michael Ealy. He looked younger. He had a clean shaven goatee as well perfectly lined up that looked like it had almost been painted on his face instead of cut.
I laughed at his joke.
“Hey you ok?” Roman stated.
I hadn't noticed Roman walking up. God, this Michael Ealy clone was hot but Roman had him beat. Roman had every man beat in my book. It probably didn't go across the board but maybe it had something to do with Roman's tattoos or his deep voice that almost seemed to ooze sexy with every syllable that he said.
“Yeah, I was just making friends with Michael Ealy here...”
“Who?”
I looked over at the bartender. They exchanged looks but they didn't say anything to each other.
The bartender's smile definitely wasn't on my face, “You can call me XO.”
“XO...cool initials. Mine is actually AJ.”
“XO Crystal?” Roman stated, “Didn't you leave like years ago?”
“I'm back...”
This wasn't the warmest exchange. It wasn't anything like what had went down at the shore but it definitely wasn't the warmest exchange either. Roman looked suspicious and XO just looked like he didn't want to talk to Roman.
Roman nodded, “Cool...I guess...anyway, AJ can I talk to you for a minute?”
XO felt slighted and I didn't blame him. Roman was definitely back to being his cocky self. I had to admit that I kind of liked how nonchalant mean he was. He didn't have to blow up like Vice did. He seemed to be able to gather haters without even trying. The fact that he looked so intimidatingly handsome didn't seem to help as well.
I didn't even get a chance to say something else to XO but it was clear that Roman definitely could care less about my time to finish my conversation with him.
We walked over to a more private part of the lounge.
“Earlier when you walked off...that didn't have anything to do with me did it?”
I was amused by it. It had a lot to do with him but I didn't know if I wanted to boost his ego even more. It had already blown up this far. He knew Vice wanted him and by his looks a lot of other people probably did too.
“No...why would you say that?”
“I don't know you seemed upset,” he stated and started to explain himself regardless, “If you were upset...I know you arent...but if you were, there is nothing going on between me and Vice. It's over. It's just you he keeps reaching out and begging. Its hard to just cut someone off...”
“Why?”
I was annoyed more then anything. I didn't understand what he was saying.
“There is that history. You know?”
“Actually no I don't know. So you still want to be with him?”
“No.”
“You still love him?”
He paused for a minute. In that moment I had time to think as well. Why was I digging into this? I had just told him that it wasn't my business. I had just let him know that I needed to back away from this.
“I care about him a lot. I may still love him but I know we aren't meant to be. I'm not dumb. I know that isn't real love. I feel like I know what I want as soon as I see it. I just never been excited about anything. When I first met you...I ...”
Oh god.
“You what?”
“I...”
He wasn't looking at me any longer. I needed him to continue on what he was saying but he was looking right past me as though he was lost in thought or something.
“You what?”
“Is that Jaime? They are trying to jump Jaime!”
I hadn't even seen what was going on before Roman pushed past me. He had jumped clear past a table and into a crowd. I could see he had jumped into a crowd where guys were fighting. A bunch of people were fighting and I could see Jaime was definitely on the bottom of about two or three guys. Before I knew it though Barka was fighting as well.
Barka had her heel in her hand and was hitting someone with it! She was actually hitting someone with her heel.
Roman had jumped in and pulled the one of the guys who was fighting Jaime off of him. In retaliation two of the guys who were fighting Jaime decided to jump on Roman.
It was absolute chaos and before I knew it was I in the middle.
I had just gone to pick up Jaime when some huge guy picked me up and threw me across the room. He was headed towards me. He was a big grunt guy. Everyone was busy fighting. I hadn't known what to do or who to look at. I didn't know where Nima was and Barka and Roman were both defending Jaime. Jaime was fine now though. I was the one who had this huge monster of a man coming my way.
Before I knew it someone had stepped in and swung on the giant guy but he missed. And the giant guy tossed that person out of the way.
Was that XO?
I wasn't completley sure but as soon as the giant guy turned back towards me I smashed glass in his face.
I heard screams.
It was chaos.
There were flashlights and a lot of them were pointing at me. I could smell a heavy smell in the air and my eyes started to water. I started to cough wildly. I couldn't see anything in the dark club! It was like everything was going back.
“Come on!”
I didn't know who was grabbing my hand. I couldn't see to tell. I wasn't even focused on seeing. My legs were being dragged by this person and I was coughing wildly. The fight seemed to have become something bigger.
I could have sworn I ran into Nima getting dragged out by what looked like a cop but I wasn't sure. If it was Nima the girl was wild and definitely cursing up a storm.
“Hurry up!” The person dragging me screamed.
Before I knew it I was in a car. The alcohol had caught up to me. I was in such a daze and my eyes were still burning. I thought alcohol dulled pain but I was whining like a little baby. I didn't even know what was going on and I really didn't care.
All I knew was someone pulling me out of the car.
“Lean back...”
I did as the person said and found my eyes being flushed out with a cold liquid. It got all over my clothes and ran down my back but I could honestly care less. It helped a little bit. He repeated it three or four times before some of the pain subsided enough for me to at least open my eyes.
“Your nuts...”
I opened my eyes to see XO standing there. He a half a gallon of milk in his hands. The other half was all over my face. I looked around to see that I was in an apartment. I was actually in his room and he had the door half open. I looked out the window and saw the sand next to the apartment. A little further down from that was the coast. Were we at the shore?
“Geez... I should call one of the Vanity's.”
“Oh please...yeah, so I'm pretty sure all of them got like arrested,” he laughed at the time, “You were definitely going to get arrested too. Did you know you hit someone over the head with glass?”
I didn't remember that. I just remembered the big guy coming for me. It reminded me of Biggie. I never hit Biggie over the head with anything though.
“Thanks for getting me out of there.”
I grabbed the milk out of his hands and began to flush my eyes again. It definitely was helping with the pain and for some reason was helping me get sober as well.
“No problem. So you said your name was what...AJ Vanity?”
“I'm not a Vanity.”
He nodded, “Thank god.”
I didn't get to what he meant by that comment because he had walked out of the room at that moment. I wanted to follow him but I still couldn't see as well. He walked back into the room and handed me a rag, a t shirt and some shorts.
“You can wear these...”
“Wait why would I change? Can you take me back to the Vanity House?”
“I don't know how to get there...do you?”
“No...”
“Good then you can stay the night and we can figure it out when we are both sober. I took a few shots behind that bar myself, especially after that brawl broke out.”
Stay the night?
I looked over at XO and then looked over at his bed. The apartment had this real modern look to it. It kind of fit his swagger. I looked at his clothes to see that he was also really stylish. He reminded me of someone maybe from New York or something. He had a ton of hats and things like that. He had a ton of clothes and shoes all different colors. I was definitely feeling it. He still had a more casual swag then Roman BADASS of course but it was definitely verging on being a bad boy himself but more hipster then Roman who was clearly Tattoo, rocker type.
Why was I comparing the two anyway?
“Why would I stay?”
“You were the one who said I was a new friend back at the bar...”
I did? I guess I did...
“Oh...”
“Relax. I'll sleep on the floor. You're acting like a straight boy. I don't want to fondle you while you sleep or anything. What are you straight?”
I nodded. I don't know why I nodded. I just nodded. It felt like the thing to do at the moment. XO just laughed when I said that. I knew he probably thought it was bullshit and it definitely was bullshit.
“A straight boy that hangs around the Vanities? Why would you do that?”
' “My uncle is Jory Vanity. My blood uncle that is...”
He shook his head.
“I feel bad for you.”
“Do you know something I don't? I get the idea that there is something really going on and the Vanities obviously don't want the cat out the bag.”
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For updates on these stories… Please join us at the Yahoo Group…for discussion of the story and to give some feedback about what you think about the story, as well as other stories by this author.