UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL by Jayson Leigh
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events or locations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent.
Author's Note: Thoughts, comments and questions to jmleighwrites@gmail.com.
Chapter 10
A Losing Game
One Month Later...
A text message flashed on Shane's phone as he was slipping his shoes back on. He was about to reach for the handset stowed away in the grey plastic container when a baby stroller came through on the x-ray machine and crashed into his things.
Before he could get his belongings together, he found himself face to face with a screaming infant whose mother was simultaneously trying to lift the stroller and calm him or her down at the same time.
He watched her struggle for a moment longer before offering, "Do you need help?"
"Oh, yes, please!" she said with a frazzled look which rapidly changed to surprise. "Oh, it's you. I just watched your show this morning. You had the cast of Glee on!"
He smiled politely while trying to unfold the stroller. He had absolutely no idea how to work these things.
"You just push this right here," she said nodding her head in the direction of a bright red knob.
He pushed. Nothing happened.
"Here, let me..." she said with a grin, handing the baby over to him casually before taking the stroller from him.
Gulping hard, Shane tried not to show his panic. He only wanted to help her with the stroller. Why was he holding her baby? What if he dropped him... or her...
He or she blinked. Shane couldn't tell the gender, dressed as he or she was in denim overalls and a red shirt... or was that a blouse? He or she opened her mouth wide in a yawn, Shane thought at first then he realized that a baby's wide open mouth was probably not a precursor to something good. Seconds later, his fears were confirmed when a loud wail assailed his ears. He was astounded that such a cute little being could produce a sound like that.
"You look terrified," the lady said, amused, as she took her baby back. "Don't worry he's just teething."
Shane nodded, dazed at his close encounter. He waved goodbye to the lady and gladly headed in the opposite direction.
"Boarded yet?" read the text message from Leo.
With a wide smile as he approached the boarding gate, Shane typed back, "Just seconds to go."
His grin was slowly wiped off his face when he noticed that everyone at his gate was still seated with incredibly glum expressions on their faces. A tight knot formed in the pit of his stomach, and he checked his boarding pass to confirm that he was at the right gate.
He glanced reluctantly at an overhead computer screen and searched for his destination city. Flight 1156 from JFK Airport to Seattle was delayed. He gazed at the bright red flashing word, delayed' for a few seconds and desperately wished that it would change to on-time' or `boarding.'
Wheeling along his carry-on slowly, he walked to the counter and asked the agent what was happening. He gave Shane a tight smile. "Sorry sir, there's a massive thunderstorm in Minneapolis, your connecting city. But I'm sure it won't be long now. Maybe a half hour or so until the storm clears out. You should just take a seat, I'm sure we'll be boarding shortly."
It had been a last minute decision to meet up with Leo in Seattle. Just this morning, he'd been told that a scheduled appearance at a movie premiere the following day wasn't necessary because the headlining actor had just canceled his appearance on Up Close and Personal. Bill and Trent were pissed, didn't want him attending the premiere and he was more than happy to oblige. Leo was on his mind and for the first time in a month, he had three consecutive days off with nothing to do. He'd called up the other man immediately.
"Where are you?'
"Today?" Leo had responded drowsily and Shane realized he'd woken him up. "Let's see, we're... um," there was a pause as Leo went silent then said finally, "Seattle."
"Good, I'm booking my flight to Seattle... for tonight.'"
There was a sound, like Leo was sitting up in bed. When he spoke, Shane thought he could hear the wide smile in his voice. "Tonight? That's the best news I've heard all day."
Shane flushed. "You're very easy to please."
"Maybe," Leo admitted with a laugh. "Why I don't send the Gulfstream-?"
"No," Shane said hastily not wanting to accept another extravagant gift from Leo. "I'll fly commercial. Ordinary people do that sometimes."
"It'd be faster... more comfortable... and faster..." Leo said in a cajoling tone.
"I know you may find this hard to believe, but commercial works for me..." his voice trailed off when he scanned his options on the travel site and realized all nonstop flights were sold out. He was noticeably less enthused when he added, "I'll connect in Minneapolis but it's a short layover... You'll see. I'll be there in no time..." If he was being honest with himself, he would admit that despite his rather flippant dismissal, he was this close to accepting Leo's all-expense paid chartered plane ride.
Shane now had no choice but to question his sense of pride when hours later, he was still waiting for a flight going nowhere soon. Visions of a lazy weekend spent with Leo drifted away and he realized that with an entire day wasted, there was no way he would make it to Seattle and back before his early call on Monday morning. He reluctantly texted his lover in Seattle; "I can't make it after all... Flying commercial sucks."
The sound of the slamming door sent a loud echo across the apartment and Shane slapped his hand on the light switch with a little more force than necessary. The darkness in here was unnerving. In the bedroom, he pulled open the blinds to let in some sunlight, but it only illuminated the creased sheets on the empty bed.
As he pulled off his damp T-shirt, he had the sudden insight that this could be his future; silence, darkness and loneliness. It was barely midday on a Saturday and he'd just come in from a long run. Running had helped clear out his head and work off some of the lingering anger of not being able to meet up with Leo for the weekend. He'd ruined what should've been a perfect getaway for the two of them. Still, he wasn't sure which should take more blame, his stupid pride or the awful weather in Minneapolis.
He'd stayed at the airport as long as he could, holding out hope that the weather would turn around and they would take off soon. Alas, shortly after midnight, he'd admitted to himself and Leo, that he wouldn't be gracing Seattle with his presence after all. He was exhausted, and even if he made it there the following day, it wouldn't be worth it. He was exhausted; they'd have barely a day together and then he'd have to be on his way to New York. He'd shot down Leo's protests with promises that he would definitely be seeing him soon, with the summer hiatus of the show coming up in two weeks.
He toed off his socks and sneakers then shimmied out of his running shorts, letting them fall to the floor. After a long, relaxing shower, he pulled on a fitted white polo shirt and a pair of comfortable jeans. He was getting cabin fever already. He didn't want to stay in doors to mope about the sad state of his friendship with Jen; missing Leo and whatever the fuck he still had with Drew.
The eerie silence and stark emptiness of the apartment had him reaching for his phone and thumbing through names to see who could possibly be free. He lingered momentarily over Dominic Reyes then composed a text before he thought too quickly about it.
Aidan sniffed loudly, "Can I have a Band Aid?" He stared bravely at his scraped arm, now devoid of dirt, but still raw and pink. Wiping away a lingering tear on his nose, he sniffled loudly again, then wiped his runny nose.
Dominc's voice was calm. "Sure, let's see what we've got here," he said to his son as he rifled through his backpack. "I see Iron Man, Captain America and okay, here comes The Hulk. Hold out your arm."
Aidan stretched out his arm awkwardly, "Like this?"
"Not that way. I can't reach the scrape if your arm's upside down," Dominic said patiently. When Aidan complied, he carefully applied the bright green Hulk illustrated Band-Aid on the small scratch.
"Feel any better?" he asked optimistically.
"No," Aidan murmured.
"Want me to kiss it better?"
"Sure."
Dominic gathered his four-year old son in his arms and sat him on his knee. He took the arm tenderly in his and placed several kisses on Spider Man. "Any better now?" he asked hopefully.
The downcast look on Aidan's face was slowly replaced by a smile. He nodded at his father who pulled him closer in a hug.
"I love you, little man," he whispered.
"I love you too, daddy," came Aidan's muffled response.
Shane watched in silence, captivated by Dominic's expertise in comfort and easing his son's distress. The dark curly hairs on his friend's arms stood in sharp contrast to the boy's sandy blonde hair. The wedding band glinted in the sun as he lifted a hand to cup Aidan's sandy hair.
"You okay now?" he asked solemnly.
"Uh huh, can I go back and play now?"
"Yes, but you've got to be careful."
"Sure," came the hasty reply as Aidan darted back to his friends.
Dominic shook his head, like he knew that his concerns fell on deaf ears. He returned the box of Band-Aids to his backpack and fished out two sandwiches and juice boxes. "I hope you like turkey on whole wheat?" he asked Shane with a sly smile. Then he added, "Apple juice or fruit punch?"
"Sandwiches and juice boxes?" Shane said with a frown.
Dominic grinned, handing his friend a wax paper wrapped sandwich. "It's what's for lunch!" He tore open his own sandwich and took a hearty bite. "Go ahead... it's not so bad...".
"I didn't know you cooked," Shane said as he punched a straw doubtfully through the juice box.
"Sandwiches don't require advanced culinary skills, you know?"
Shane couldn't help the smile stealing across his face. "When you said you wanted to meet for lunch, I imagined a lot of things, but never this..."
"And what is this exactly?"
"You," Shane said, waving a hand in his friend's direction. "You're a dad with a son. You make sandwiches and drink juice boxes. You've got a backpack with Band-Aids in it... who the hell are you and what have you done with my friend?"
Dominic responded through a mouthful, "You think I've changed?"
"Yes... and no," Shane said, suddenly aware that he might be treading on dangerous ground. "It's been a while since we hung out and Aidan's so big now. I'd forgotten what it's like... You're the same but you've changed, in a good way. Fatherhood looks good on you."
Dom lifted a brow at him. "We never hang out because you don't do family friendly activities. I can't exactly bring Aidan along for night at the club with you and Jen..."
"I know, but we should do this more often.'
Dominic agreed wistfully. "I never have time for myself anymore but it's getting better with Aidan in preschool. Being a father - being with Aidan all the time - it changed everything, you know?"
"How do you mean?"
"Sometimes, I get scared that I'm losing myself. It's a little overwhelming and I wonder if... it's complicated... I'm not making much sense, am I?"
"Kind of... I'm not sure I totally understand the fatherhood thing, but I think you've got it mostly figured out. What you have, what you, Rowan and Aidan have, it's beautiful."
"Me and Rowan, yeah, sure, sure we're great," Dominic said distractedly as he bit into his sandwich and stared at his son dangling precariously from a monkey bar several yards away.
Shane took a sip of juice and winced at the incredible sweetness that assailed his tongue.
Dominic glanced at him. "Fruit punch? I don't like it either, but it's Aidan's favorite."
Shane forced himself to swallow and took a small bite of his sandwich. "This is actually... not so bad."
Dominic smirked. "So I take it when I said, `lunch at the park,' you thought I meant..."
"Lunch at The Park."
"Oh, right. I love that place," Dominic murmured appreciatively. "Just haven't been in ages. Their porterhouse steak is a buttery piece of heaven and their martinis? Don't even get me started..."
Shane noticed the undisguised longing in his friend's voice. "This is pretty good, though. Nothing beats a good turkey sandwich and a... uh ... juice box."
Dom snorted.
"I'm sorry I haven't called in so long."
"It's okay," Dom shrugged. "I haven't exactly been Mr. Chatty lately, anyway. So how're you doing?"
"Good."
Dominic glanced at Shane curiously. His wavy dark hair tumbled carelessly over his eyes and he pushed it back impatiently. "I ran into Drew at the grocery store last week..."
"What about Drew?" Shane asked in as casual a tone as he could manage.
"Oh, nothing. Just thought I'd mention it, that's all."
"Okay..."
"Said he misses you."
Silence.
"And the ball's in your court."
Silence.
"You don't seem affected by all of this. Usually, you'd be a bit more emotional about Drew..."
"Maybe I finally grew a pair."
Dominic chuckled. "Want to talk about it?"
"God, no. The ball's in my court? I guess I'll lob it over I'm when good and ready," he said nonchalantly.
"So that's it?"
"Don't act surprised. You all saw this coming..."
"No, we didn't," Dominic declared adamantly.
"Really...?"
"Yes, we did," Dom admitted after a moment's pause. "We had bets going right after you guys broke up over Thanksgiving but then you took him back by Christmas so Rowan and Jen lost a ton really quickly because they bet on the New Year." He concluded smugly, "I won; I knew you wouldn't want to spend the holidays alone."
Shane blushed faintly. "You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves."
Dom had the grace to look abashed but he added, "Well you can't blame us. We just couldn't understand why you two were still together."
Time apart from Drew had granted Shane some perspective on the absurdity of his and Drew's on-off relationship. He conceded with an amused shake of his head, "We were a little ridiculous."
Dominic reached over and patted his thigh reassuringly, "I should probably take some of the blame since I introduced you two..."
Shane smiled. "You meant well."
They ate their sandwiches in comfortable silence until Dominic spoke up again, "So are you okay? Alone, I mean. It sure has been a long time since you were single..."
"I'm fine. And what's wrong with not being single?" Shane said after a long pause.
"I think some time in between relationships might be good for you, you know?"
"Easy for you to say."
"No, really. Freedom is underrated..."
"Freedom?" Shane interjected. "You mean, being single?"
"Same thing. Being single is being free to do your own shit. Being free to make choices for you, alone, without having to put anyone else's first."
Shane frowned. He craved companionship, co-dependency and everything that came with being in a relationship. He didn't look forward to putting anyone one's needs before his but he'd always figured that was the price he had to pay to be with someone. "You make it sound so bad... but you're happily married, right?"
Dom sighed. "Marriage isn't all it's cut out to be."
"And being single is...? You've been with the love of your life for so long you can't even remember what it's like to not have someone. You've got the perfect husband, the perfect son; you've had the stars aligned in your favor so long you don't even know what it's like for the rest of us."
Dominic chewed slowly taking his time to swallow the last bite of his sandwich before speaking calmly. "My twelve year old Ford Taurus in college had less mileage than your relationship with Drew. Ending that relationship will be a mercy killing." He squeezed a piece of wax paper in his hand into a tight ball. "You think you've got it rough? Messing around with Drew and delaying your inevitable broken heart? Please, you don't have the balls to handle a real relationship."
Normally, Shane would've taken offense at that, but he remained silent this time, sensing that Dom had a lot on his mind and was working through the issues out loud.
"You've no fucking idea how hard I work at it with Rowan and Aiden. It's not perfect, Shane, not all fucking rainbows and butterflies. I tell you, the stars are aligned in my favor because I hung those motherfuckers up there myself. And you'd think I'd be happy now. I should be happy, right?"
Dominic paused to take a noisy sip from his juice box. "I told you Rowan made partner at the law firm last year? And he finally got access to his trust fund in February because he turned 35. He's bringing in dough so much faster than we can spend it. Everything's coming up rosy."
"But...?"
"I want out."
Shane couldn't believe his ears. His eyes widened as he stared at his Dominic who looked horrified at his own words. "You did not just say what I think I heard."
Dominic tried to take in steady breaths. His tried to speak but his voice broke. "I... I didn't sign up for this. They're both so needy all the time, Rowan and Aiden. I swear, I'm giving them all I have, all I am, and now I don't know who I am anymore."
Shane blinked. "So what do you want exactly?" When Drew stayed silent Shane wondered out loud, "I don't understand..." he said after a long beat. "You don't want them anymore?"
"No, of course not." Dominic snapped defensively.
Discomfort washed over Shane once the shock wore off. He couldn't help but snap at his friend, "I'm pretty sure Aiden didn't come with a return receipt to the adoption agency."
"I want Aiden. Of course, I do. He's my life. And Rowan's my heart. I love them." Dominic rubbed at his eyes, to hide the tears that were threatening to fall. "I'm just so exhausted all the time. I'm thirty three and I can't help but think sometimes, is this is it? Is this all there is?"
Shane watched him for a second, unsure if comfort would be appreciated. He knew how prickly Dominic could be when he got vulnerable... He knew because he was the same way. He leaned over tentatively clasping his friend's hand in his. "It's going to be okay," he murmured. Hoping to move past the tense moment, he asked in an attempt at levity, "Are you sure a new Porsche won't fix this?"
Dom chuckled through the tears and pushed at him. "This is not a midlife crises, damn it. I'm not even middle aged."
Shane wasn't sure what to make of the other man's feelings of discontentment. He wasn't one to moan or bitch about less than ideal situations. He hadn't been happy with Drew but he'd adapted and stayed put but, well, look what that got him... He asked Dominic curiously, "Do you know what you want? I hear you say you don't want to be married anymore... but do you still love him?"
"Why do you think love's got anything to do with sex or marriage or relationships? Love and marriage don't go together like a fucking horse and carriage. I love my husband but I feel trapped married to him and I'm not cut out for fatherhood. Not yet, anyway. I thought I was ready to settle down and I hounded Rowan till we got Aidan and I was wrong and I don't want to have to pay for it for the rest of my life. Loving them doesn't keep me from wanting to get back out there and find myself again."
"Find yourself where exactly..."
"I don't know... I just... I called my old boss..."
Shane choked on his juice box and began coughing. "What?"
"He might have an assignment for me..."
"Where?"
"Middle East... maybe Africa..."
Shane's eyes widened.
Dom made an exasperated sound. "Everyone seems to have forgotten what I do for a living. I'm a photojournalist, Shane. I won awards and shit. I was a Pulitzer finalist for crying out loud."
"I know. I just... I thought you quit. Four years ago, you said you'd quit."
"Yeah but one or two shitty decisions four years ago shouldn't define my life forever."
Shane glanced at Dom who was watching his son intently on the playground. At thirty three, Dominic Reyes was very attractive with his wide, expressive hazel eyes, dark olive skin, and lips so full that Shane had often wondered what they would feel like pressed against his. "So that's what this really about?"
Dom glanced at him then kicked at the grass beneath his feet before admitting quietly, "I feel trapped with Rowan and Aiden."
"Have you talked to Rowan about this?"
He rolled his eyes. "Do you forget who I'm married to? He would never... He doesn't want me to... Christ, don't you remember? He's the one who made me quit in the first place. He didn't want to be married to someone traipsing all around the world."
Shane bit down on his lip and said softly, "You don't traipse around the world. You take photographs in warzones. Your job is... was... very dangerous-"
"But it's what I do," Dome interrupted heatedly.
"You can take photos anywhere... Couldn't you get a freelance job with a paper or magazine? There are issues right here you could cover; crime, homelessness, gun control..."
"You say that like I'm just a photographer; I don't do portraits or weddings or parties. I'm a foreign policy reporter. I chronicle and document international crisis for a living. I need to get back there again."
"What about high profile events right here in the States-"
"You're talking press photography; I don't do that. You of all people should know the difference."
"I do. I just think, maybe you ought to think about your family-"
Dominic suddenly leaned half off his seat in alarm and Shane turned his gaze quickly to the playground for Aidan who was attempting to climb a slide by wriggling his way up the slide itself, instead of using the ladder behind it. Another child was at the top of the slide and began propelling himself for a quick descent. A collision with Aidan, who was half way up the slide, was certainly imminent.
Aidan suddenly let go of the arm rails and slid down quickly. The other kid followed behind and they both landed in a heap of arms and legs, laughing and unhurt.
Dominic sat back down and muttered, "That kid will be the death of me, I swear."
"If the warzones don't get you first..."
When Dom snorted, Shane reached out to pat his knee affectionately, "You really are a great dad."
He turned his expressive brown eyes to Shane, and asked anxiously. "You think so? I'm so tired all the time and I second guess everything I do... I don't feel confident like when I'm out there with a camera around my neck covering a story. I just don't think I want to carry on like this..."
Shane knew one of Dominic's greatest strengths and weaknesses was his drive for perfectionism. He always had to be the absolute best at everything he did; nothing by halves. It was he'd bought every parenting book at Barnes and Noble before Aidan's adoption because fatherhood was going to be a challenge he absolutely had to overcome. It was all or nothing with him and now, he found that he didn't measure up to whatever standard he thought he had to meet, he was ready to quit and return to the one thing he'd really been great at. Shane said thoughtfully, "You know the best dads aren't perfect. They're the ones were just there... for everything."
He sighed and reached for the front pocket of his backpack to pull out a pack of cigarettes. "I feel like my career's this itch that's getting in the way of my family. You would think I'd want it to go away, but I don't. I want to just give in... I don't want the cure. I want to be myself, the self I remember from long ago. I want to give in, and do what I want... I don't want to think of Aidan or Rowan but I have to because I love them so much. Either way, I'd lose."
"If you leave them now, you won't be back for months on end," Shane said. He knew how Dominic worked; his philosophy was to stay wherever he was assigned, covering the story from start to finish, without much consideration for his family or friends.
Dom stayed silent.
"Remember that time you went missing in Afghanistan..."
"I wasn't missing," he said impatiently. "Our satellite phone got destroyed when the truck we were in-"
"Yes, I remember," Shane said wearily. His lunch date with Dom sure hadn't turned out to be quite the relaxing afternoon he'd hoped for. He blinked when he felt an arm brush against his and watched Dom scour the park for Aidan. When he found him, he gave a short wave and as soon as his son looked away, he brought the cigarette to his lips and inhaled deeply, then hid it behind the bench in an attempt to conceal it from view.
"I thought you quit?" Shane asked.
Dom nodded. "Me too." He ran his hand through his thick dark hair and tapped ash on the back of the bench, before musing aloud, "I remember when all I carried in this backpack was my camera, laptop, passport, cigarettes and condoms... Now it's juice boxes and Band-Aids. Last night I checked the DVR for something to watch... all I found were reruns of Yo Gabba Gabba and The Backyardigans."
At Shane's questioning look, he sighed, "Don't even ask." He puffed deeply on the cigarette and continued, "We haven't made love in two months, Me and Row."
Shane frowned at the longing in his friend's voice. He'd never seen Dom this way before and he'd thought he had the perfect life. Christ, what was it with him and his friends; they had to be the most unhappy group of people in the world. He didn't want to be like Jen; overly vocal about her disapproval but he wasn't sure what to make of Dom's issues. How could he walk away from the sure thing that was his family? How did he know he wouldn't regret it? Every couple went through a bad patch... he and Drew had stuck it out, and well, where did that get them? Still, how could Dom trust anything he was feeling right now?
Dom had been his friend for a very long time. It was Jenny who'd introduced them; she and Dominic had attended Columbia and remained friends but he'd ended up striking a closer relationship with Dom than Jenny ever had. Rowan was another story. Certainly not who he'd expected Dominic to fall for, but they'd both defied expectations with a commitment ceremony just a year after meeting in Peru where Rowan had been on vacation and Dominic had been photographing recovery efforts after an earthquake. It'd been a whirlwind romance, making their union legal as soon as they could and filing for Aidan's adoption soon after. Dominic had quit his job without a second thought, claiming his globetrotting days were over... apparently not. It was sad to hear how much things had changed between them.
"I'm not uninterested in sex," Dom said thoughtfully. "Disinterested, maybe... not uninterested."
"Well, there's obviously some disconnect if you love him, but you're unwilling or unable to fuck him."
Dom sighed and flicked his cigarette stub onto the ground. He was about to speak when a loud beep interrupted him. He dug into his backpack to retrieve his cell phone before waving it at Shane with a smirk, "This is how we communicate."
Shane watched his friend listen to a voice message then heard him say with a cracking voice, "Darling husband's working late, again."
He reached out to touch Dom's knee but the other man leaned out of reach. "I don't think I could handle you touching me now, Shane. Not now. I'm barely holding it together as it is."
Shane withdrew his hand and couldn't help but think that Dominic had really fucked it up this time. Just one or two seemingly innocuous choices had changed his fate. He'd been so sure, had gone confidently into marriage and the adoption, and had left his career without a backward glance, until now.
They sat back in silence, lost in contemplation, as the afternoon sun receded and the warm breeze around them grew cooler.
Shane thought about choices; those he made now which would forever change everything. He didn't feel so sure about anything now. What was he turning down to be with Leo? Drew. But what was he taking on? Leo and most likely going back in the closet. Despite Jenny's argument to the contrary, he wasn't going to push Leo to come out publicly. He wouldn't be that guy and from the look of things, he doubted Leo was willing or ready to make a definitive statement, publicly, about his orientation. Where did that leave him, then? Hiding behind closed doors with Leo for as long as their relationship lasted? They hadn't even been able to see each other in over a month... all odds were against them... What was he doing?
He was still lost in thought when rapidly approaching footsteps alerted him to the fact that Aidan was running to them.
"Dad, everyone's going home." he said.
Shane and Dominic realized that the playground was rapidly emptying as mothers and sitters collected their wards. Dom wiped dirt smudges off Aidan's face and hands with a wet wipe then held out a jacket which the little boy slipped into.
"Uncle Shane?" Aidan said. "Do you want to come home with us? Dad says we're having lasagna tonight."
Shane looked at Dom helplessly, unsure if he wanted company tonight.
Dom surreptitiously shook his head. "No," he mouthed back at Shane.
He smiled apologetically to Aidan, "Sorry, hon. I'd really love to, but maybe some other time."
Aidan nodded and reached up for his dad. Dominic swung the backpack onto his shoulder and then hefted his son onto his other side.
Shane leaned forward and hugged both of them tightly, "Nice seeing you Aidan," he said.
To Dominic, he whispered, "Don't make any rash decisions, okay? Just give yourself some time..."
Dominic gave a tight smile which didn't quite reach his eyes and nodded.
Shane watched them walk away before heading in the opposite direction to hail a cab. There'd been a spring to his step when he walked into the park, but now he could barely keep his head up. Misery loves company, he thought, for although he didn't know what to make of his friend's predicament, he realized he'd soaked in some of his despair as well.
He was walking past a convenience store when he noticed a flyer for discounted Greek yogurt and remembered that he'd had the last one for breakfast that morning. At the checkout lane, his heart skipped a beat when he noticed Leo's face on the cover of a magazine. He stared at it for a moment too long and against his better judgment, reached for it. He'd almost forgotten how good looking the other man was. He ran a hand against the handsome features of his lover on the glossy magazine when his eyes fluttered down to read the headline- `Leo and Joni: Reunited in Seattle'.
He dropped the heavy cart in his hand to the floor and took an unconscious step backward. The attendant at the register called out to him so he pulled out his wallet and dug out several bills on the counter. He was already on his way out when the teenaged boy called out, "Sir, your change... and what about the yogurt?"
He didn't even bother looking back.
Back on the street, he steadfastly refused to look at the magazine and a cab finally slowed near him. He got in, gave his address and finally took several deep breaths, hoping for the best, before opening the magazine to read the story. There was a photo of Leo exiting a restaurant, head bowed with Jake walking grimly behind him. Another photo had Joni leaving, dressed to the nines in a cleavage baring mini dress and a shit eating grin as she posed for the cameras. The final photo had them leaving in the same car. He scanned the article; an intimate candle lit dinner, onlookers reported that Leo and Joni seemed affectionate, talking in hushed tones and touching each other frequently. They'd laughed often and seemed to enjoy being together again. Clearly, another source reported, Leo and Joni's romance was back on.
"Stop here," he said suddenly. He couldn't breathe in the taxi; it felt like the walls of the car were closing in on him. He needed to get out for some air.
The driver looked back at him curiously. "Hold on. We're just a few blocks from your place-"
"Pull over," he repeated urgently. "I need to get out."
He felt like a fool. He trashed the magazine as soon as he could, feeling sick to his stomach and wondering how he could once again have been fooled again by Leo. As he walked the rest of the way to his apartment, he realized something. He was hurt, yes. But he wasn't breaking down; he wouldn't. Not this time. He wanted to do the opposite. He had the urge to break free and defy all expectations; screw everyone else.
Dominic wanted freedom to be himself while right now; he wanted to be anyone but himself. He was so tired of always striving to do the right thing and being wrong all the time. He was so tired of being there for everyone else and yet always ending up alone. He was tired of putting other people's feelings first and his own on the back burner... Dominic might talk of being unhappy, but at least he had two significant people in his life.
What did Shane have? A best friend who needed a break from him, an ex-boyfriend who wanted him back but was just as likely to change his mind anytime now and a long distance quasi-relationship with a closeted rock star who was back with his girlfriend... Maybe it was time to do some walking away of his own. Everyone else did.
Shane had been coming to this bar every day for a week now. It wasn't the nicest place; Jenny would probably have a heart attack if she knew he was at the Rattlesnake alone. Granted, this wasn't him, cruising for sex but he wanted to be bold. For once in his pathetic life, he wanted to step out of the lines he'd drawn for himself. His instinct for self-preservation was usually so strong but he was throwing it out the window. There was a box around him. It wasn't small or narrow by any means, but there it was. He'd rarely been tempted to step out of it, too afraid of his own shadow to do anything, but now he felt ready to do something that would screw with everyone's expectations.
Leo thought he was so easy; using money and fame and flowers to charm him. He was annoyed at how easily he'd welcomed the other man back into his bed and his life... well no more. He was young, single and attractive. He was single, bold and on the hunt. He was his own person. He wouldn't be fucked all kinds of ways by Leo or Drew anymore. He didn't want to get hurt anymore. It was that simple.
He stared at the melting ice in his drink morosely. He debated whether or not to get another one. This was his fourth; maybe fifth... he'd lost count. He was in control; he felt in control. He was only here because he hadn't found what, or rather whom, he was looking for...
He'd wasted so many years, waiting for Drew and now, he'd found himself inexplicably in the same place with Leo. Leo who was probably getting his rocks off with Joni... Well, neither of them had brought up exclusivity, so he was free to do as he wanted.
These days, he seemed to be the only one interested in commitment, anyways. Drew, Jenny and Dominic seemed to think otherwise, and Leo, well, he'd come to his hotel room that night while in a very public relationship with Joni Sampson... duh...
He was going to do this, he decided. A one night stand. He wanted to use someone to get off. He wanted to take the edge off. He was itching for a fuck; a big cock inside him while he jerked off the hard and fast. The kind of sex that Leo did so well... fuck, he didn't want to think about Leo. Not now.
Jenny always said a one-off was good for the soul... well, he was about to find out. He began scanning the club for potentials when he noticed the bartender pushing a fresh gin and tonic his way.
"From the gentleman in blue," he'd said, nodding in the direction of a guy sitting at the far end of the bar.
Shane curved a hand around the narrow highball glass. He dipped his index finger into the chilled cocktail and swirled it around then lifted the finger to his mouth. He dragged the pad of the wet finger over his full bottom lip, back and forth, then pushed, inserted it. With narrowed eyes, he looked up at the guy in blue, smiled coyly then sucked his finger. It was an open invitation.
He tried to tamp down the feeling that rose, that he was out of his depth... this wasn't him... but well, maybe it was. He watched the guy in blue approach. He was tall, at least three inches over six feet, Shane liked that, and nicely built in a fitted navy blue t-shirt clinging to his broad shoulders and narrow waist. His hair was a rich brown with sandy blond highlights and green eyes. He smiled, and Shane noticed dimples which gave him a doe-eyed and wholesome appearance. He was appealing, if you liked the type. Shane didn't. He was too neat, too well put together and too unremarkable to be anything but a one night stand. He was perfect.
He took the stool next to Shane with some hesitation, as if he was still unsure whether or not he should be there. He stretched out a hand. "Hi, I'm ..."
Shane ignored his name. He was the Guy in Blue and that was all that mattered tonight. He didn't need a name to complicate things. He was unmemorable and would remain so.
Keeping his thoughts to himself, he smiled brightly. "Shane..."
"Roderick," the guy in blue finished for him helpfully.
Shane nodded and surreptitiously glanced at his watch. It was almost midnight and he had an early call the following day. This was the last week of filming before the summer hiatus; it was going to be a busy one. Got to make this quick, he decided.
He threw back the rest of his drink and glanced at guy in blue shyly. The other man ate it up and eagerly motioned to the bartender to get Shane another one. Shane was faintly amused at his enthusiasm.
"What do you do?" he asked when he was handed another cocktail in record time.
"I'm an actor. Right now, I'm the lead in an off-Broadway show of A Streetcar Named Desire," he offered proudly.
Shane sighed inwardly. Even in his attempt to rebel, he'd ended up with someone in the industry. Where were the boring accountants and teachers and insurance agents? "Let me guess, Stanley Kowalski?"
"Yeah," the guy said with a shy smile.
Shane thought he appeared a little too meek to be cast in the tempestuous role. He imagined the revival wasn't very good if this was the best Stanley Kowalski they could cast. As he sipped his drink, he noticed that the other man was nervous and kept rubbing his palms on his jeans. He could barely meet Shane's eyes; instead his gaze kept dropping to his lips which were wet with moisture from the drink. What was it with men and his mouth, he wondered idly. He used a thumb to dry the wetness on his lips and the other man's eyes followed the movement from right to left. Amused, he decided to turn it up a notch. He reached out and ran a finger down the guy's muscled arm.
"How did you get this?" he asked, fingering a long thin scar that ran down the tanned flesh of Guy in Blue's bicep. The scar was rather vivid and jagged, running all the way down to his elbow.
"Oh that?" the guy in blue said casually, "It was a few years ago actually. A bike accident on the Colorado trail... I went up there with a bunch of friends and we-"
Shane stopped paying attention then. It was odd, but he found the scar to be, by far, the most attractive thing about this guy in blue. In his opinion, Guy in Blue's hotness meter had just gone up by at least five notches. He found the scar attractive in the sense that despite the other man's clean cut, squeaky cuteness, there was something real and damaged about him, even if it was just visceral. His imperfection was a fucking turn on.
He reached out, cutting off guy in blue's chatter, as he curling his fingers around the defined muscle of his thigh. He squeezed softly, staring at him intently, widening his eyes, blue and wide, until his obtuse admirer understood what he was suggesting.
The guy in blue moved in closer but Shane whispered in his ear, "Not here. Meet me in the bathroom."
He put one foot to the ground, unsteadily, and proceeded to the restrooms. He didn't look back at Guy in Blue; he was confident of his charms. He knew had this.
The walk to the restroom was short. The first two stalls were occupied, but thankfully, the bigger handicapped one was available.
Moments later, guy in blue walked in and stood by the partly opened door Shane waved him with an encouraging smile. He noticed that the other man's face was already flushed with sweat and unconcealed excitement, that his cock was half-hard already, tenting the front of his dark jeans.
Shane crowded him up against the concrete wall and murmured, "Can't believe your luck, huh?"
Guy in blue's eyes flickered and his jaw fell slack.
Shane kept moving until he was pressed into the guy's front. He tilted the taller man's face down to his until their mouths were so close. In an enticing whisper, he said, "Well today's your lucky day," and rocked himself hard against the guy's hard cock, sliding wantonly to ensure maximum stimulation.
He noticed Guy in Blue's breath quicken, coming out hard and fast, and when he leaned in closer, as if to catch Shane's mouth in a kiss, Shane took an unsteady step back. He lifted a hand to grab his chin and asked unkindly, "What do you think this is, a date?"
Guy in blue's eyes flickered and Shane wondered if that was a flash of anger he'd seen. He grew amused at how easy this was; at how much he was in control of this encounter. Smirking, he lifted up the guy's shirt to get his hands on the skin hidden underneath. He flicked the man's nipples and brushed fingers down his hard chest and abs.
His mouth watered, so he slid down to his knees and reached for the growing bulge in Guy in Blue's jeans. He unzipped him and used his fingers to part his boxers and pull out the hard length, stroking it appreciatively. It was long and thick, just as he liked. Without preamble, he pressed a light kiss to the tip of the cock before opening his mouth wide enough for the head to slide in past his lips.
"Uhhh, yeah," Guy in Blue moaned.
Shane smiled and flicked his tongue across the guy's slit before taking the length in deeper. He knew how good he was at this.
In appreciative response, Guy in Blue leaned over and placed both hands on the sides of Shane's face. His hands were unexpectedly cold and clammy.
Shane froze.
Suddenly, he felt his face being pushed right into the guy's crotch, and then a small, rational part of his brain flickered back alive. What the fuck was he doing?
He leaned back abruptly and Guy in Blue's cock pulled free from his mouth, a thread of saliva stretching between mouth and cock for a few seconds before breaking apart.
Guy in Blue quickly gripped his cock at the base with one hand to mimic the suction of Shane's mouth. "Hey!" he cried indignantly. "What are you doing? You're not gonna leave me hanging like this...?"
Lucidity hit Shane hard through his alcohol fueled rebellion. He was on his knees. In a bathroom. With a fucking stranger.
He wiped his mouth and got up quickly. He had just taken one step towards the door when he felt Guy in Blue grab his arm roughly. He threw him an annoyed glance and tried to shrug free of the other man's tight hold on him. "Hey, fuck off!" he cried angrily, but the guy's grip remained firm.
Before he could voice another word of displeasure at the rough treatment, he felt himself being pulled and slammed roughly against the wall of the corner stall. His head hit the concrete with a loud crack and he cried out in pain. His vision blurred and he blindly tried to push back but he was shoved, once again by the guy in blue.
He felt his chin being grabbed roughly to focus his attention. It was a rough mimicry of a move he'd pulled on the man moments earlier. His eyes opened and in the harsh fluorescent lighting, he realized that the guy in blue just might be the perfect Stanley Kowalski after all. He wasn't so wide-eyed and innocent anymore. Shane also noticed that his pupils were blown wide and glassy. He was definitely high and strung out on something. How the fuck had he missed that earlier?
Guy in blue smiled and leaned in closer.
Please," Shane said, "just let me go..." His voice trailed off as he tried, through hazy pain in his skull and a tight grip on his chin, to glance at the door to his right and calculate how many seconds it would take him to get out of here. Undoing the latch would certainly slow him down a second or two, and the way the door swung open, into the stall's interior, would most certainly give the psycho enough time to drag him back.
"Don't even think about it!" he told Shane menacingly. He took a step back and directed Shane's gaze down, to look at his cock swinging freely and leaking come. Shane took in a sharp repulsed breath, realizing that it looked even harder now than it had when Shane was blowing him.
He recoiled in disgust, and tried to turn his face to the side when an arm was roughly shoved into his throat. He gasped for air, the elbow was pressing so painfully against his windpipe as it cut off his air supply. His hands come up, flailing wildly in an attempt to free himself of the aching pressure on his throat.
The pressure didn't ease even though he pulled and scratched at the arm. Muscles he'd been admiring earlier, pushed even more firmly against his neck, and his eyes watered up, blurring his vision. He heard himself making a sound that could only be described as choking and he kept trying to free himself by displacing the arm.
Then guy in blue laughed. He maintained the heavy pressure on Shane's throat and pressed his entire body on him, and pushing hard, up and down, in a quick, frantic motion.
Shane felt himself getting light headed with every passing motion. He barely had any breath left in him, being too panicked to breathe in through his nose. His eyes watered, blinking frantically and he didn't feel in control of his body anymore.
The guy leaned in to sniff Shane's hair. His breath was hot and disgusting against his ear as he growled, "You're so pretty and blond, like my very own Ken doll," he tilted his head, gaze moving from Shane's blue eyes to his quivering lips. "Or should I call you, Barbie?"
He chuckled at his crude joke and at that moment, Shane thankfully felt himself begin to slip away. He was losing consciousness but the lightheadedness was welcome even though a faint voice told him to try to stay awake... but the pain, fuck, the pain was excruciating.
"You're gonna finish what you started, you got that?" guy in blue murmured to him, then leaned in to lick the perspiration that had formed on Shane's temple. His tongue was moist, rough and repulsive against Shane's skin.
Slowly, he lifted his elbow, easing the heavy pressure off Shane's throat. Before Shane could take in a breath, his neck had been grabbed once again, fingers sinking into the side of the narrow column and causing almost as much pain as the elbow on his throat had caused. It was a taunt to Shane that he was still in control, even though he was no longer choking him, that he could still cause him pain.
"Do you understand?"
Shane nodded mutely, lips slack as he struggled to stay conscious and ignore the throbbing pain in his throat. Seconds later, he watched the guy in blue take a confident step back to tug and pull at his cock. The sound of flesh slapping against flesh was absolutely disgusting. Despite the overwhelming haze of pain, he saw an opportunity in that moment. The other man had at least five inches on him and maybe 30 pounds. He couldn't tackle him but maybe he could surprise him.
He reared back and threw a sharp right hook at the bastard in blue, aiming as hard and fast as he could in the narrow confines of the stall. Pain exploded as his knuckles made contact with bone, hitting the bastard squarely on the upper cheek and against his nose.
The bastard doubled over in pain and groaned loudly. "You little shit!" the guy moaned, clutching his nose. "I'm an actor; do you know what you've done?"
Shane was startled at the effects of his own sudden act of violence; those boxing sessions with Quincy hadn't been a waste after all. He watched in horror as rivulets of blood spilled through the bastard's cupped hands and poured onto the floor. Then his instincts kicked in again. Thrumming with adrenaline, he pulled back the latch with terribly shaking hands and slammed the stall door open. The first step out into the restroom had him choking back a grateful sound that he'd made it out. Unfortunately, the ripple of sound in his throat caused another explosion of pulsing pain.
He was already at the restroom exit when a man washing his hands at the sink called out lewdly, "Wow, that sounded hot. You boys were really going at it, huh?"
He blinked, only just managing to push down the bile in his throat. He didn't want to bring unnecessary attention to himself, just nodded and made a quick exit.