Until The Very End

This is a word of fiction, with gay content. Any resemblance the characters in this story have to someone living or dead is purely coincidental. Use of these works without prior approval is a violation of copyright protection.

Until the Very End

Copyright 2002: Holloway H

May 28, 1999 - School is out, 'Thank God.' This year has been a pain in the ass. What with football practice, exams, and with everything else I'm feeling mentally it's really been too much. A lot of guys on the team are pissed at me for not hanging out on weekends. If the truth be known I don't want anyone knowing what's going on in my life, not yet, so I figured it would just be easier to tell them it was my religious beliefs. The excuse worked and things returned too normal. A couple girls have asked me out and I had to make excuses. Dad has been on my case about not dating. I've explained to him that I'm keeping my grades up for college but all he says is that I'm not enjoying high school. If he really wanted to know the truth, I'm not enjoying high school I hate it. I hate football. I hate the teachers, the classrooms, the girls, everything, even life at this point.

June 1, 99 - I applied for and got a job at the Country Club as a Caddie. The manager that hired me said his son attends the same school he likes our football team. My first few days at work were a little weird as I learned the ropes but most of the people are pretty cool and they don't get all screwed up over a couple of mistakes. I get my first paycheck in another week. This will be the first money I've ever had that wasn't allowance. I'm away from home more and I don't have to deal with people from school or anywhere basically, it's really cool.

June 11, 1999 - I got 163.00 in my check not including almost 100.00 in tips I made from golfers during the same week and a half. Now that I have cash on hand I don't have anything I want to buy, I'll put the money in my account at the bank in the morning. Mom told me she is really proud. My fucking father told me I'd earned enough money for a really nice date. I looked at him wanting to tell him to screw himself, instead I shook my head and said, 'yes sir.'

June 12, 1999 - Caddied for three college guys today. They were pretty cool, gave me a big tip after their game was over. Rick, one of the guys, lost his bracelet and asked for my help, he said it must have fallen off while they were walking. He couldn't believe I had just turned sixteen a month ago. I'm 6,1 at 150 pounds with light brown hair and green eyes I even have a few freckles that make me look like a farm boy. We walked around and talked the entire time. I spotted the bracelet near the last hole he had played. He smiled as I ran back with it in my hand he invited me up to a party on his college campus the next weekend. I told him I'd have to ask my parents, he shook his head saying he'd pick me up Saturday morning.

June 13, 99 - Today has been one rough day. I'm so stupid sometimes. I haven't mentioned the party to my parent's I can hear them howling no. Just as well because I've been worried about going to the party. I don't feel very happy, and besides I'm not the partying type and I know it. My father was livid when I told him about the offer to attend the party, "Nathan Miller do you have any idea what goes on at college parties?" After chewing my ass out he smiled and said yes, I guess I'm definitely going now.

June 14, 99 - Everything bothers me even the slightest change makes me feel like I have no control over my life. Some people don't do well in groups and I'm one of them, at least I know it. Jesus Christ, my father's yelling for me again. What did I do now?

16 June 99 - I'm fucking tired, I don't want to work and feel like I want to cry. This entire day I've had to fight to keep from falling apart. Everything is messed up. After work I walked down to the beach and sat looking at the waves. The water was beautiful and I found myself wishing, I wished as hard as I could but nothing I wanted came true.

June 21, 1999 - Rick showed up at my house Saturday afternoon while I was still at work. He met my parents they liked him immediately. He told them about the party and that he'd watch out for me so it wasn't a problem going after all. The drive was almost an hour to get there then we had something to eat and hung out until 7pm before heading over to the party. The place was packed and once the door shut behind us a girl grabbed Rick's arm, he smiled and yelled at me, this is Belinda my girlfriend. I found my way around getting a drink, actually half a beer I knew my parents would die. I stood in a corner and watched everything and everyone it was pretty cool. When I got bored I went upstairs to Rick's room and turned on the television. Rick told me to crash here since he was crashing at Belinda's. I'd kicked my shoes off and was lying on the bed almost asleep when a guy walked in said his name was Kevin. He asked if he could crash for a while, I didn't mind and we ended up watching a movie. We started talking and it wasn't long before we started asking each other all kinds of personal shit. Kevin said he was 18. He locked the door, kicked off his shoes and lay down beside me on the bed, for the first time in my life I messed around with another guy and it felt fantastic. Kevin and I hung out until Sunday afternoon. I told him I had to leave and he said he'd call me.

June 23, 1999 - Kevin has called a couple of time. For once I don't feel like the world is screwing with me. We talked for a long time and he started telling me how horny he was then he told me to come up this weekend. I'm going to tell my parent's something and I'm going I already have time off from work.

June 28, 1999 - Kevin showed up at my house on Friday before seven. He talked my parents into letting me stay the weekend at his house. We had a party Saturday afternoon at his parent's house, just guys. It was a great time I met a lot of really awesome people. One guy went to my school and was in the same grade. I helped Kevin clean things up before going back home I really like Kevin.

July 1, 1999 - Work has been okay, nothing special. I've got a lot of energy lately, I find myself unable to wait for things. I get stressed over the slightest issue. Now I've got this crazy idea that everyone knows I'm queer. I've called Kevin several times he wants me to come spend the 4th of July holiday at the dorm with him, his roommate is going home, I haven't said yes yet. I've been thinking about going to church and talking to the Priest, telling him how I feel but I'm afraid. I want someone to understand and let me know things will be all right.

July 3, 1999 - I'm on the bus to see Kevin, I'm going to tell him what's happening maybe he can help. I didn't want him to drive down here and back and then again on the 4th, I hope he'll be surprised by my visit. I don't mind riding the bus it's cool, plenty of time to think about what is going on in my life. Walked over three miles to the college, Kevin wasn't in his room. A friend of Kevin's told me where to find him. Found him half dressed in another room, didn't say anything just turned around and walked back to the bus station. Got home near mid-night didn't feel like waking anyone to get in so I slept out back in a chaise lounge.

July 4 - Went to Church today, got on my knees and prayed so hard I thought I'd break down right then, I begged God telling him something has got to change in my life. Couple of guys from the football team called and asked me to go to the beach for a game of touch. We got their early, played football and walked down the beach. There were a couple of guys hanging out one guy was putting sun tan lotion on the others back. The guys I was with called them faggots, queers and everything else. I walked away it embarrassed me. Now the guy's have been harassing me about being gay and liking gay people. I told them to fuck off.

July 5, 99 - Work went really well, a lady that works for a modeling agency said I could model and to call her if I was ever interested, I blushed. I always wondered if I was ugly, I guess not. Kevin had told me I looked handsome but I never believed him. Mom and dad are pushing me to be more social, get out more, they've been questioning me about dating I hate the questions. I ignore them now.

July 15, 1999 - Haven't been to work for almost two weeks, the doctor told me to stay in bed. I've got a fever, sluggish. The country club manager called and said he was holding my job, he said I was real popular and everyone likes me. My parent's had me come downstairs and sit with them in the living room they announced that they were getting divorced. Dad moved out this afternoon, he's living with my grandparents. I don't have a problem with it and I even feel sorry for them. They're throwing away someone to love and take care of. I would die to have what they had, someone to help me understand that everything will be all right.

July 17, 1999 - Went back at work, feel like I was never sick. Lying in bed all the time gave me a lot of time to think about what I want. I want to go out of State for College, someplace no one knows me. I'm going to live off campus. The thought of living alone is exciting, maybe I'll find the peace I seek and I'm looking forward to it. I want so badly to meet someone to spend time with without feeling uncomfortable.

July 21, 1999 - Dad wants me to stay with him at his new apartment for a few days. I told him I couldn't miss work because of the time I was out sick. He said he understood but he didn't. Mom told me I shouldn't treat dad that way. I never got along with him here, how was I going to get along with him when it was just him and me, Duh? Mom pestered me until I promised I'd go.

August 5, 1999 - Spent the past two days with my dad, I feel really bad that I've misjudged him. He looked so different when I saw him, more relaxed. We talked and he said he understood how angry I was for him yelling at me all the time, he apologized, I thought he was going to cry, then he hugged me and made me cry. He held me tight and told me everything would be all right, he promised. Through my tears I told him I was gay, he said he thought I might be but never said anything to mom as he didn't think she would understand. He made me swear to him I'd have only safe sex and that I wouldn't let anyone hurt me. He said I could always come here and then he said he loved me. He made me ball like a baby he held me for a long time, I love my dad; I never knew how great he is. He wants me to come back all the time.

August 6, 1999 - Dad called me three times to make sure I was doing okay. He's a lot of fun to talk to and to be around, he wants me to go fishing with him this weekend after I get off work. Just knowing he isn't pissed at me makes me happy. Kevin has called a couple of times but I never return his calls, I'm not stupid. I'm going to try and tell Dad what's going on in my head, I know he loves me and would understand.

August 8, 1999 - Spent all night fishing on the pier with dad. We had the best time. It got cold late at night, we huddled under a blanket, he held me close to him and we talked. Dad said he was going to transfer my college fund to me as soon as I started college, he said there was enough to get me through, pay for my apartment and probably enough for a decent car. Dad said he was scared of someone hurting me and made me promise to be careful, I swore to him I would. Dad said he'd die if someone hurt me. I was happy and forgot about talking to him right now.

August 10, 1999 - Kevin was at the house this afternoon waiting for me when I got home from work. He was sitting in the kitchen with mom when I came in the house. We sat in the kitchen and had something to eat then I led him upstairs. He told me what I saw wasn't what I thought it was. He said he had been getting the girls to walk on his back, nothing more. He kissed me slowly, pulling me in his arms. Kevin told me he loved me, I love him too it's just so damn hard hiding all the time. We talked until late then he drove back to college.

August 11, 1999 - It's raining cats and dogs and work was called off because of weather. My savings account is almost 2900 from my summer job, not too shabby. That doesn't count the little bit I've spent here and there. The depression I've been feeling is almost gone, it just disappeared one day, I'm sleeping a lot better and I'm not so nervous or crying all the time. I've been on the Internet most of the day, surfing, amazing the weird stuff you can find. I've read a lot about mental illness and stuff.

August 13, 1999 - Still raining, don't know how much more Internet I can take. Dad called wants me to come stay with him, said he misses me. Got to go there's his horn.

August 16, 1999 - GREAT WEEKEND! Dad is becoming my best friend. I've told him about Kevin, he's not sure about the way Kevin treated me, said we could talk about it again later. We went out to eat then returned home, watched movies and fell asleep on the sofa. When I woke up my head was still on dad's arm, I closed my eyes and put my arm around him and went back to sleep, I've never felt as safe as I did that morning. Saturday morning it is still raining we stayed inside trying to decide if we needed to begin our Ark. Dad feels he let me down by divorcing mom. I told him he couldn't let me down but then I told him how scared I was that he was alone, I told him I loved him so much it made me cry at times. He still feels bad.

August 23, 1999 - Mom has been upset most of the week; their hearing for divorce is September 15 at 11am. I called dad and he's upset that mom's upset. He doesn't want me mad at him. I told my dad I love him, probably the first time in a lot of years, his voice cracked on the phone.

August 24, 1999 - Bitch, that's exactly what work was like. Everybody and his brother played Golf today. I worked my ass off and by the time evening came I could barely stay awake. The only good part was the 350 dollars I made in one day too good.

August 27, 1999 - Last day of work. School starts Thursday. Dad is taking me shopping for school clothes. Dad and mom had dinner together and talked about everything, they both seem in better spirits.

August 29, 1999 - Dad bought me a lot of clothes and a watch. Dad bought himself a new car. He said our neighbor Mr. Davis sold him the car. While dad and I were talking I walked over, sat next to him and put my head on his chest, I began telling him what's been going on in my head. He put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head, told me I shouldn't have kept this from him. He's sending me to see a colleague of his on Tuesday.

August 31, 1999 - Went to the doctor, we talked for over an hour. He prescribed Prozac for me said in a couple of weeks I'd feel a lot better, I hope he's right.

September 1, 1999 - Dad gave me his Volvo wagon to drive. He said he didn't want me worrying about anything any more, made me promise. I don't feel any different yet.

September 3, 1999 - Not going out for Football this year, don't feel up to it. Told the guys the doctor didn't want me chancing a head injury, I hate lying but there was nothing else I could do. I'm paying attention to my grades and taking track, I'll have more time to think and relax. Dad's old Volvo is wonderful I like having a station wagon. All I had to do was clean it up a little. I've been feeling better, haven't even thought about crying lately, I don't get as angry or worry as much, I like me a little bit now.

September 7, 1999 - Spent the night at dads and drove to school. Mom and Dad have talked a lot about their divorce and they both agreed the happiness they had once felt was gone, they still loved each other they just couldn't make each other happy any longer. I have a lot of energy now, I work out almost everyday, I love track and I like that I'm in good shape. Kevin has continued to call, Dad answered the other day and invited Kevin to dinner this coming Saturday.

September 10, 1999 - Track was great the team ran several heats. The guys on the track team are great guys very down to earth, it's probably the first time I've really felt comfortable in months. Called my dad and told him all about it. Dad is coming to get me tonight wants me to have dinner with him.

September 12, 1999 - It's been a great weekend. Kevin left to drive back to school. It bothers me him having to drive for an hour each time he leaves. Dad and Kevin got along really well.

September 15, 1999 - This has been the worst day of my life. Watching my parent's in tears as they talked to the Judge was too much. I don't want to be that sad; it hurts my heart too much. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault, if I hadn't of been born they would still be able to do things, why couldn't I have stayed unborn.

October 2, 1999 - I just looked at the clock it's almost mid night. I've been taking my medication but it isn't working anymore. I took a beer from the refrigerator, thought it would make me sick but it didn't, at least now I can sleep. I'm not sure what I'm doing I'm going to see the doctor on Monday.

October 3, 1999 - I'm going crazy, went to church with mom, dad was there and we all sat together. The entire time I was trying to keep from running out screaming, I can't stand this feeling.

October 5, 1999 - Saw doctor yesterday, I told him if he didn't give me something I was going to go over the deep end, he ended up giving me a shot, I feel run down but at least I'm not going a million miles an hour. He changed my medication and did a lot of blood tests. I can think clearly for the first time in a couple of days, if I don't get any better I'm going to kill myself I can't live like this, I feel alone, I don't have the desire to live any longer, I'm not going to drag my family down with me.

October 18, 1999 - Slowly the new medicine has made me feel like my old self again. I spend a lot of time with dad he's worried about me. He said I have a problem with chemicals produced in my brain, he said medication would keep it under control. He's right I'm so much better. I've told my father when the medication no longer worked that I was going to kill myself. He cried and begged me to always talk to him he hugged me and made me swear. I shouldn't have told him, he loves me too much.

October 22, 1999 - Driving up in the morning to see Kevin as a surprise I'm leaving early so we will have time to go hiking and trail riding on our bikes.

October 23, 1999 - What in the fuck is wrong with me? Got to the dorm knocked on the door and a guy I've never seen opens the door wear only his boxers, he calls Kevin over to the door, Kevin looks at me "I'm sorry" "Fuck you", I turned and walked away; how stupid I've been. Why would anyone want someone as fucked up as I am anyway? I called Dad and asked him if I could spend a few days with him, I didn't mention Kevin, I didn't want dad worrying.

Oct 24 1999: Dad drove over last night to pick me up. He talked with mom for about an hour I knew he was telling her about me. I heard her cry, I wanted to climb under my bed and hide forever. Dad yelled upstairs, they were both waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. Mom looked at me then at dad, all she said was, "I'm sorry I can't." Dad smiled at me took my bag and led me out of the house. Dad wants me to live with him, I want to so badly but I don't want to leave mom alone. Dad sat me down and said it was a lot harder for mom to adjust to me being gay then he thought and it would be better for now at least to stay with him. My mother hates me, her queer son.

October 31, 1999 - Dad and I finally got everything moved and unpacked in the condo. My room looks the way it did at the house. Dad even has rules he's written down. Dad spends every moment with me or I'm with him. He wants us to go on vacation for Thanksgiving somewhere. I told him Grand would be mad if we weren't at her house. He laughed.

November 4, 1999 - Transferred schools. Really like the new school, the coach was happy to have me on their track team. Saw a couple guys looking at me, I figured they might be queer too but I'm too shy to say anything. I'm just happy to be here.

November 22, 1999 - Been too busy to write. Track meets, Coach had a party at his house and made everyone come over; we met his wife and two boys they're my age. It was a lot of fun. Coach's son Chad in on the track team, he's called me and we've run cross country a few times, lots of fun. Dad is really happy I'm getting out. Dad and I aren't going anywhere for Thanksgiving, Grand said we'd better be at her house or else. Mom hasn't called since I've been gone.

November 27, 1999 - Thanksgiving was great at Grand's house. She had everything for dinner just like she usually does. My aunt and uncle drove down along with their son, my cousin Pierce he's a year older than I am we played catch until dinner. He's staying until they go back on Tuesday. I've got to go more company is here.

November 28, 1999 - Dad, my aunt and uncle with their son drove down the coast. It's pretty boring here today but I'm glad I didn't go. Chad called wanted to come over but I told him I didn't feel well I lied.

December 2, 1999 - Chad chewed my ass out on the phone. Told me if we weren't friends to just say so and he'd quit bothering. I told him we were friends and he told me to act like it. We're going camping up in the mountains next weekend to do some high altitude training.

December 7, 1999 - Pearl Harbor day, at least that's what the calendar says. Chad is real excited about this weekend we're taking my car.

December 12, 1999 - Jesus what have I done. Chad and I were lying in the tent talking and I let my hand brush across his pants, he didn't say anything. After a while I put my hand on his pants when I thought he was asleep. He opened his eyes and said, "I'm not like that but if you want to give me a blow job go ahead, I don't mind." I stared at him for a moment then turned over and pretended to be asleep. In the morning he told me it wasn't a big deal, he said several guys on the team were gay, didn't matter to him at all. I think he could see how upset and embarrassed I was, he said he wasn't going to tell a soul. I thanked him then he made me get my butt in gear and go running when we were warming down he told me I was a really good looking guy and he was flattered. We talked the rest of the day until I dropped him off. We're going camping again in a few weeks.

December 14, 1999 - Got a call from Matt, he's on the track team, told me Chad told him to call. Matt was almost my twin except he had blonde hair and brown eyes. He talked about us running together sometimes.

December 15, 1999 - Matt called again wants me to spend the night at his house and go running on Saturday morning from there. Told him I'd think about it.

December 18, 1999 - Decided to go to Matt's house. As soon as I got there he was trying to get me into bed. Told him to fuck off and left, I knew he was pissed at me, who cares. I can't stand being rushed or used it isn't how I feel about life.

December 20, 1999 - Christmas Vacation I'm really excited about having some time off from school. Dad and I are going skiing in Colorado for a week.

December 27, 1999 - Got home this morning, we had a blast. Dad is a great skier. I learned snow boarding from a few of the local kids I hung out with them and they taught me it was awesome. Kevin called and left a message wishing me a Merry Christmas. Son of a bitch made me cry. Fuck him. I'm not letting anything get me depressed this new year.

January 1, 2000 - New Years. Mom called and wished me happy New Year asked if I'd come over so we could talk. Dad made me say yes. Dad let me have a full glass of Champagne and he had to almost carry me upstairs. I slept in his bed fully clothed, my head on his chest, it was wonderful.

January 3, 2000 - Matt has spread around the school I'm queer. Chad spread around that I told Matt no and he was pissed, that stopped anyone from talking real quick. Chad has become a good friend he said he's worried about how shy I am. He has a friend he really cares about, Eric, wants me to meet him. I told him I'm not good at meeting people he's made me promise to at least meet Eric.

January 8, 2000 - Chad brought Eric over and introduced him, now I know what they mean by love at first sight. He's almost my height with dark black hair and brown eyes. He's the best looking guy I've ever seen in my life, there's something so great about him, not just his appearance, he's not muscular at all, he's very smart, kind of shy and quiet. We talked for well over two hours and then we walked around the mall. We kept bumping into each other, he'd look at me and I'd melt. Met some of the guys from the track team, they knew Eric as Chad's friend. We walked around with them for a while, Eric fit right in he knew a lot about track. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I thought I was going to be sick. What if he was just being nice, I was about to get sick to my stomach, I was afraid, oh God. I had to sit down I told them to go on. Eric came back a few minutes later and sat next to me. I looked at him and tried to smile but couldn't. He drove my car and me back to his house. His parent's were gone. He told me to lie in his bed until I felt better. Eric laid beside me resting his head on my chest, his arm around me and we went to sleep. It was dark outside when I woke up. I ran my fingers through his hair and brushed the side of his face with my fingers. He looked at me and smiled then hugged me tight again. I kissed the top of his head and would have kissed his lips but we heard his parent's come in and we scrambled.

January 9, 2000 - Eric and I sat in church together. After Church we walked along the headstones in the cemetery behind the Church, we talked about a lot of things. Eric is the nicest guy I've ever met and the handsomest too. I'm glad we're friends, I'd like to spend the rest of my life with Eric he makes me really happy.

January 10, 2000 - Eric called and we talked till just a few minutes ago. He wants to know if we can have lunch together, I told him definitely but he's afraid the jocks at school will mess with him. I told him there isn't anything to worry about. I'm not going to let anyone push him around not today or ever.

January 11, 2000 - What a screwed up day. I was in the lunchroom sitting with a bunch of guys. Eric heads over and before he reaches the table one of the guys trips him. He falls hard and his tray goes everywhere. Before I know what I'm doing I'm over the table and forcing the guy that tripped him to pick up his tray and get him another one. The guy apologized to Eric and me. I helped Eric up and sat him at the table next to me. Some of the guys knew him and called the guy that tripped him a jerk. When he got his tray replaced I told him to eat, everyone looked at me a little strange. Chad made a comment about something off the wall and everyone went on with the conversation. I put my hand on Eric's leg under the table and squeezed it to let him know things were going to be all right. I don't care if I ever sit with those guys again, except Chad. The next person that hurts Eric, his ass is mine to kick.

January 12, 2002 - Eric didn't call and when I called his house his parent's said he went to bed early. I called his line but got a busy. I tried for hours but he never answered, I guess he's not interested.

January 13, 2002 - Eric wasn't in school today and when I called his house his mother said he was sick. Dad told me not to worry and took me to a movie to get my mind off of him but I can't Eric is so important to me I don't want him hating me if I did something I shouldn't have.

January 14, 2002 - Saw Eric in the hallway but he didn't look at me he hurried away. Now I knew I'd embarrassed him in front of everyone in the cafeteria, that's the only thing it could be. Oh Shit! I was only trying to protect him I wasn't trying to make him look bad, I'm not sorry for standing up for him. I knew I'd screw it up God please let him forgive me, please God.

January 15, 2002 - Called Eric's line, he answered and I began to apologize but didn't get far I was so upset I cried. Eric cried too, he told me he wasn't mad at me but at himself. He said he was sorry he'd made me get angry with my friends during lunch. I told Eric he was the only one at that table that meant anything to me and I want us to have lunch together everyday if that's what he wants. He sniffled and said he'd like that. Eric told me he liked me a lot. Monday is a holiday, after Church I'm staying over at Eric's house his parents don't want him home alone while they're gone overnight.

January 17, 2000 - God, please help me to be a good person and watch out for Eric. We had the best time he's got some great music; Korn, Green Day, Our Lady Peace. We played video games, then turned on the television and watched movies. Eric lay on the floor on his back and I lay my head on his chest. He stroked my hair and kissed my neck several times. I looked up at him he had tears in his eyes. He tried to smile and told me how happy he was to have me care about him. I moved up beside him and we kissed each other gently for the first time. He held me throughout the movie, he is so gentle I feel more comfortable then I've ever felt.

January 18, 2000 - Eric and I call each other everyday. Eric gets to stay the weekend at my house. Dad talked to his parents and they agreed. Dad met Eric after school today, he likes him, said he was a smart young man. He's definitely smart, handsome and sexy. We haven't had sex we decided to wait for a while. I told Eric if we sleep together that I want it to be because we love each other. He agreed. Now I don't feel so stupid.

January 20, 2000 - Called Eric, he's afraid about tomorrow. I told him I'd only slept with one person and we actually didn't have sex, almost but we didn't. He felt better said he'd only messed around a couple of times too, nothing more. Now I hate the thought of anyone touching him, it scares me that they would hurt him. I want to protect him so badly. All I want is to hold him in my arms, smell his hair, his skin, kiss him and keep him safe in my arms.

January 23, 2000 - This is crazy I know but I'm in love with Eric. I didn't tell him, but I am. He's the bomb. We went out to eat and then a movie. Came home and got on the computer for a while then we climbed into bed naked and held each other. I kissed him over and over running my fingers though his hair, down his back and over his front. He was rock hard. I made love to him, he cried out in the end lying back exhausted. I lay next to him his head on my arm he looked at me and smiled. He kissed my chest and moved down my body until he made me cry out we lie in each other's arms and fell asleep. I love Eric he's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

January 24, 2000 - Track was great, it was a little cool out but I warmed up quick. My times have really improved this last month. Coach says it's because I'm not worried about things. That's for sure I'm in love, deeply in love. I miss him every minute we're apart but I can't tell him I don't want to scare him away. We're going to the movies on Friday night.

January 29, 2000 - It has been the most boring day in ages. Eric went off with his parent's. We went to the movies yesterday, then he stayed the night and I took him home this morning. Something is wrong Eric acted like he didn't want to be with me. When I went to hold him he kind of shrugged me off. This is my fault for pushing him too fast.

February 1, 2000 - Eric hasn't called I'm going crazy, I fucked things up, God I'm so sorry Please give me a second chance.

February 2, 2000 - Called Eric's line no answer it rings constantly.

February 3, 2000 - Went by Eric's house today his mom said he wasn't home.

February 5, 2000 - This fucking day, I've cried almost the entire time. I wish I hadn't screwed our relationship up. I really need him. I feel like I can't breath and everything I think about makes me cry.

February 14, 2000 - Valentines Day.

February 15, 2000 - I'm miserable

February 16, 2000 - Dad wants me to see the doctor again I've got an appointment in the morning.

February 17, 2000 - Doctor increased my medication, he's sending me for more tests at the hospital, and I'll be out of school until the 28th.

February 28, 2000 - Feeling better.

February 29, 2000 - Got a letter from Eric in the mail today. He wrote to tell me he couldn't see me anymore because he was starting to feel a lot of things that made him crazy. He said it would hurt him too much to see me with someone else so he was avoiding me until he could deal with his feelings. I called him on the phone, he finally answered. I told him I didn't know what to say other than I really liked being with him more than anyone I'd ever known, I told him everything that had been going on, I told him about Kevin, the medicine, needing him, everything. We talked for hours I told him I loved him more than anything in the world before going to sleep.

March 1, 2000 - Eric came over and sat with me and the guys in the lunchroom we all talked and kidded with each other. No one gave Eric a hard time. I'm having feelings I've never had or even knew were possible.

March 2, 2000 - Eric called couldn't talk long, said he can't concentrate on anything lately wants to spend the weekend if possible. Dad said okay.

March 5, 2000 - Okay, this dumb jock is in love. I'm not the smartest piece of wood in the woodpile but I know how I feel. Eric and I spent the weekend glued to each other no matter where we went. We walked along the beach and after a while we sat on the sand and I held him in my arms. Eric kept looking up at me and I kept asking him what he wanted to say but he just shook his head. I hope he doesn't tell me he doesn't like me except as friends. We had dinner with my dad then we went to a movie, in the dark we held hands it was really cool and a little scary, I kept worrying about someone from school seeing me at first and then I didn't care. Eric is writing me another letter, says he has something to tell me.

March 6, 2000 - Didn't see Eric during lunch, thought I'd go nuts I miss him so damn much.

March 7, 2000 - He's in love with me. This is the best feeling in the world, I finally found what I've needed in my life, Eric. I called him after reading his letter. He cried as I told him how much I loved him, soon I was crying too until we both started laughing about how we sounded like two unhappy old people instead of two people in love. We've promised to be faithful to each other, I told Eric he belongs to me he told me he knew.

March 8, 2000 - School is great. Eric and I have been talking about college. We're going to apply to the same college and get a small apartment off campus. I want us to get rings but haven't said anything to Eric yet. I don't want him to think I'm pushing him down the aisle this quick.

March 9, 2000 - Dad said Mom called she asked him to tell me she missed us. Her new job was doing well. Dad told me he looked at a new house. I was scared shitless until he told me where it was, only about 10 minutes from Eric's parent's house I could walk to his house if I had to. Told Eric, he was excited, saying we could meet up all the time now. I thought about Mom, I'm not mad at her, she just can't accept how I feel, it's nothing she or dad have done, its just the way I am, who knows why, but at least I'm happy now.

March 10, 2000 - Drove Eric home, his parents were out. We went upstairs to his room and lay in each other's arms. He smells so clean and I love to feel his hair brushing against my chin and slipping through my fingers. Eric has asked me to make him mine in a special way. I'm not sure I'd hate it if I hurt him. When we make love I watch him sometimes and he looks so young and gentle. Eric told me he's the happiest he's ever been. Eric is going with his parents so I won't see him until March 14, this might kill me missing him.

March 11, 2000 - Drove to the mall and bought Eric a ring, it's just a band inside it's engraved with "Eric I love you, Nate." The old lady at the store gave me a strange look and I looked at her like I'm paying you bitch. She acted real cold so I gave it right back to her. I'm going to give it to Eric someplace special, really special.

March 12, 2000 - Two more days before Eric gets back. Dad told me today they accepted his offer on the house. I love the house it has a pool and everything thing else imaginable. Dad is so happy he took me out to eat then we went to miniature golf. Dad won, I told him I let him win, and he gave me a nuggie on my head. I lifted him off the ground and sat him back down. Dad and I went walking on the boardwalk, we talked about me for the longest time, and then he asked me a question. Would I be upset if he started dating? I was floored for about a minute, but I looked at my dad, he was still young and handsome, he deserved happiness just like he'd given me. I told him it wouldn't bother me at all I wanted him to be happy and not be alone when I left for college. He hugged me right on the boardwalk several people gave us a funny look, dad ignored them, then he told me how much he loved me and how proud he is. I told him about the ring for Eric, I thought at first he might be mad, but he wasn't he liked Eric, said he was a gentle boy, very nice and very handsome, and I was lucky I found someone to make me that happy. My dad is the greatest person in the world I love him so much.

March 14, 2000 - Eric came over without ever changing his clothes from the trip. I answered the door and he fell into my arms and began to cry. I held him so tight and then walked him upstairs. We undressed and lay in bed together; I held his body against mine and kissed him about a million times until he went to sleep. I woke up with his head on my stomach and his arms around me he was still asleep. I pulled him up into my arms and held onto him for dear life. I whispered in his ear how much I loved him. We woke up after dark. Took a shower together then went downstairs and fixed something to eat. After we ate Eric took my hand and led me back to my bedroom, he wants me to make special love to him. I was gentle and slow, but it still hurt Eric at first. It didn't take long for either of us to go over the edge, I lay on top of him looking down into his face he pulled me to him and kissed me deeply thanking me. He said he knew I belonged to him now too. We're going to plan for our futures; we both know we've found our life.

March 15, 2000 - Eric and I talked for three hours but not until we did all of our schoolwork and anything else we had to do around the house. Eric and I are going out to eat on Friday, I've told him to dress nice.

March 16, 2000 - I love you Eric, those were the first words out of my mouth when we talked tonight. He wants to tell his parents about being gay, I told him I could have my dad talk to his parents if that would help but he's not sure.

March 20, 2000 - Eric and I went to a really nice restaurant. During dinner I held his hand and slipped the ring on his finger. His face lit up, he took it off and read the inside, I saw his eyes get watery but he didn't cry, he told me he loved me more than anything in the world. He spent the entire weekend. We played basketball for a while then went swimming. Eric and I went out Saturday night to a gay bar. The music was loud and everyone looked at us as we walked in. I got us a coke and we talked in the corner. A really cute military guy asked Eric to dance, he said no. Eric looked at me and asked if we could leave I told him yeah, I didn't like the place anyhow, too noisy for me. We drove over to the park where everyone from school hangs out and sat around talking and listening to music. Chad and a couple of guys from the team came over they gave me a hard time about not being around. I'm not sure I'm brave or stupid but I told them I was gay and in love with Eric. Eric said the same thing about me. Chad said that was cool he had a lot of gay friends. I saw the guys hesitate so I told them it would be a shame if people knew I could run faster on the track then they could. Everyone laughed and soon we were all back to normal talking. A couple of the guys asked us to come over tomorrow after church and go swimming, we're going. Eric is so gentle with me, why I'll never know but he is and now he knows how to make me crazy. For the first time in my life everything is coming together. I've never been happier, the medication I'm on is working fantastic, my grades are excellent and I'm happy at home and at school.

March 21, 2000 - Dad is excited, we move into the new house on April 24. I told Eric and he's as excited as I am. It's a much bigger place and I'll have a larger room. Dad told me that mom is dating someone and I shouldn't be shocked when she tells me. I told him she hasn't spoken with me in well over four months I really wasn't concerned. Dad wants me to review colleges with him in the next few weeks.

March 23, 2000 - Eric called me crying, his parents know about the two of us. He said his father told him he needed psychiatric help. I told dad, he drove over to Eric's house and talked with his parent's until they calmed down. Eric's asleep as I write this. Dad gave him something to calm him down. As I sit here looking at him, I've walked over to the bed five times and straightened his hair, pulled the covers up around him and kissed his forehead. I'm being strong for him it's something he needs right now. The rumors are already going around school I'm not really concerned since there are more than a dozen gay people at school and two couples. Even a few of the teachers are gay. I hate the fact that Eric's parents went berserk. Dad said he talked with Eric's parents and they knew it wasn't anyone's fault it is a result of genetics. Dad brought Eric back to our house so his parent's could relax and because Eric was almost hysterical. If I could have anything in the world this minute it would be to have a house in the country with horses and stuff where Eric and I could live just being happy.

March 24, 2000 - Drove Eric to school and then home. I watched him go in the house. My heart felt like breaking seeing how scared he was, he didn't call me this evening I've figured his parent's have a lot going on right now.

March 25, 2000 - Called Eric's house, no answer.

March 26, 2000 - called Eric's house, no answer.

March 27, 2000 - Eric wasn't in school, I haven't heard from him. All daylong I felt like I was going to fall a part, I miss him so much. I know there's a lot going on in his family but he could have called. I'm asking my dad to contact his family tomorrow.

March 28, 2000 - Eric can't see me anymore. He's such a good person all of this is my fault for shooting my big mouth off at the park that night. God what am I going to do.

March 29, 2000 - Eric and I sat outside during lunch. He said his parent's are hot right now but that will change in time. He loves me but he's worried I won't wait. I told him I'd die for him if that were what he wanted. We leaned against each other it felt good just being next to him. We won't be together except at school.

April 1, 2000 - Woke up feeling sick. My head hurts and I ache all over. Dad took my temperature said I have the flu. He made me stay in bed, gave me some Nyquil, I went to sleep right away. Dad said Eric called. Eric called several more times but I was still asleep. Dad said he told Eric I would be all right.

April 2, 2000 - Went to church, had to force myself to stay awake. Eric was there and after service he and I walked out back. He was so worried about me that he said he was coming over to take care of me. I waited until he went to ask his parent's he came back out with a smile. He drove my car back to the house. I crawled into bed, I felt terrible. Eric lay beside me holding me in his arms, he kissed my neck and for some reason I felt like I wanted to cry but I didn't. Being here with him made me feel so safe.

April 3,2000 - Feeling a little better, it's late at night. Eric drove my car to school. He's sleeping, his parent's let him stay and they really are trying to understand. I want to wrap Eric up in my arms and keep him safe but I can't and it makes me feel so inadequate.

April 5, 2000 - Eric and I are going to school together from now on. I'm picking him up and taking him home. I'll be glad in three weeks when we move. I'm feeling great ran a few laps but had the coughs real bad, dad told me to give it another few days. Eric sat on the bleachers studying while I tried to do a couple of sprints. He said a couple guys have made remarks about him, I told him to tell me who it was but he wouldn't.

April 8, 2000 - Eric and I cleaned out his dad's garage. We got it cleaned up and organized. When he got home he was really pleased, he even hugged Eric and shook my hand, he said sometimes it was hard for parents to understand things. Eric's mother is really great, she loves Eric to death so does his older brother who teasingly told me if I hurt his brother my ass was his. I know he was teasing but he sounded like he meant it. He attends State College and is home on spring break. He told his parents there were a lot of gay people in the world that were very happy in a relationship and so on. It's because of him that Eric's parents have settled down.

April 9, 2000 - This afternoon Eric made love to me, the way I have to him. He doesn't like it but I wanted him to know he and I were one. I know it sounds stupid but it was important to me. Then he had me make love to him, he held me around the neck and kissed me so hard. I looked into his face and that was all it took. Eric will be 17 in just three weeks and I'll be 17 in another month and some odd days. We'll be seniors soon.

April 12, 2000 - I've been packing my room getting ready for the move. Dad said the packers would do it all but I don't want them touching some of my stuff. I looked at all the pictures of Eric I've taken and it amazes me how much I love him I'm not sure how I ever survived without him all these years.

April 14, 2000 - I've screwed up, guy at school was bothering Eric and I told him he'd have me to worry about if he didn't lay-off. Eric heard me and said he'd fight his own battles. He's upset with me, he wouldn't answer the phone, I left him a message and apologized, said I loved him.

April 15, 2000 - Eric called this morning. Said he didn't want to see me for a week or talk to me. He told me he loved me but he had to work this out or else we'd have problems later on. I begged him to forgive me but he didn't say anything other than he loved me.

April 20, 2000 - Movers packed the house dad and I we're staying with mom for a couple of days. She's been nice to me but really cool, I know she's angry with me, but I don't care. Eric hasn't called at all, I'm afraid I've really screwed things up. Now I'm mad at him, after all I didn't do anything but try and protect the person I love, where's the crime?

April 22, 2000 - Eric called I didn't call him back.

April 23, 2000 - Eric called said he was going to kick my ass if I didn't call him.

April 24, 2000 - Eric pulled me aside at school and told me he was sorry. He asked me how I would feel if he got into a fight because of me? I'd not thought of that at all, he's worried about me getting hurt and I'm worried about him. He told me he was so wrong and that he died everyday we were apart I told him so did I. I ask him when he was going to kick my ass he looked at me and mouthed, "I love you."

April 25, 2000 - Dad and I drove over to the new house the furniture is in all the rooms along with all the boxes. Dad is so excited, we looked at my room, he wanted to make sure I was happy, I am. We unpacked boxes until about an hour ago then we showered, Dad was on call so he went to the hospital and I had some chips and in a minute I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I'm going birthday gift shopping for Eric. Don't have a clue what to get him.

April 26, 2000 - Took Eric home right after school today he kept asking me if I was mad at him. I told him no over and over, but I couldn't tell him what I was going to do. Went to the mall and looked around then decided on getting him a new watch and a bottle of cologne. Got it wrapped and then went to the center court to have something to eat, met up with a couple of guys from school who sat with me. And what do you know, guess who happens to walk by, Eric. He looks at me and is pissed. He kept going.

April 27, 2000 - Picked Eric up for school today and boy was he hot. Handed him his card and gifts, he looked at them, read the card and cried, cried like I'd never seen him cry. I pulled the car over and put my arms around him. He apologized over and over I told him he didn't have to because I loved him. He opened the gifts and cried again. He put the watch on. I tilted his head back and kissed him, I love you forever. He smiled, "I love you so much Nathan I always will." Eric drove over earlier, his parents gave him a new VW for his birthday. He looks so cute in his car, makes me crazy. He's picking me up for school everyday for the rest of this school year.

April 30, 2000 - School will be out in another month. I've already got my job back at the Golf Course. Eric got a job working at McDonald's we'll have plenty of time together this summer.

May 4, 2000 - Eric's aunt his mother's sister is very ill. His parents are going up north for a couple of weeks. Eric is going to stay with us. I'm so excited. I'm sorry for his aunt and I prayed for her to be all right but I'm happy he's staying here. We moved his stuff into my room. He'll be here until the first week in June. Now we'll get to see how we do when we're together all the time.

May 5, 2000 - I love everything about Eric at night he lays in my arms and kisses my chest. I play with his hair running my fingers up and down his neck until he makes me crazy, then he moans until he drives me over the edge. He cried while we were making love, he told me he was so deeply in love that it made him cry with joy. Then he apologized for crying all the time. I told him it was okay to cry because I loved him just as much and needed him forever.

May 8, 2000 - I love watching Eric sit at the desk and work. He always rests his head on his palm, adjusting his glasses. If I pretend to be napping he sits there and stares at me, I do the same thing to him. He is so very beautiful I'm so lucky to have found him. Eric has us on a schedule for house cleaning and cooking. He's so organized I love it. My legs started to cramp tonight and he spent 25 minutes rubbing my calves to stop the cramping, then he took advantage of me before I'd even changed my running clothes. I of course took my revenge, he's asleep now, he looks like an angel. My 17th birthday is only three weeks away.

May 9, 2000 - We watched the movie Titanic, really a great movie. Eric is up to something, I'm not sure what but I can tell.

May 12, 2000 - Eric's parents called my dad and asked if Eric could stay longer, his aunt was having an operation and they didn't want to return until after the procedure.

May 14, 2000 - Went to the beach after church. It was windy and got cool. Eric sat in front of me and I held him in my arms. We found the gay beach it's where we go now when we go to the beach. We know we have to be careful and we are. Eric's hair was blowing in the wind and I pulled him close to me and covered him with my jacket he leaned his head back against my chest and closed his eyes, I kissed his face. This is life.

May 15, 2000 - Two more weeks of school - I can't wait. I'm hoping Eric can stay here during summer vacation. We'll have plenty of time together after work each day. We had lunch today and he's giving me the third degree about what I want for my birthday. I'd like him to give me a ring but I wouldn't ask him, that's not something you do. I'll let him decide what he gets me.

May 17, 2000 - Eric's parents returned unexpectedly. Eric went home, I know he's glad to see his parents he loves them so I understand. I miss him so much already, I love having him around he's a part of me now. His aunt is doing fine.

May 19, 2000 - It's all down hill. Eric went home because he's pissed at me. Kevin called to talk and Eric answered the phone. Eric blames me for Kevin calling he is so cute when he's jealous. I tried to hug him but he was so mad at me he couldn't see that Kevin is just a friend, if even that.

May 20, 2000 - Eric and I went to the movies, then went out and had a bite to eat. Saw Chad and the guys for a while then headed out to the mall and walked around. Learned about a bar in town for younger guys Eric wanted to go. We drove over the music was awesome. The minute we walked in the place was wall-to-wall people, guys our age and older. Eric was asked to dance by one of the guys we knew at school. I was drinking a coke and met an 18-year-old Marine he'd just graduated from boot camp and was here for his school. He is really handsome and has the greatest voice. I told him about high school, track and football. He loves sports. He asked me to go into the parking lot and sit in his car said he wanted to mess around. I told him I couldn't, I made sure he understood that I thought he was good-looking and very nice, but I was with someone. He said he understood but he looked sad. When I looked over at the dance floor Eric looked at me and walked out with his friend. He's always mad at me for talking to almost anyone. I wasn't leaving. I told Sean the Marine we could go sit in his car. His car windows were tinted as soon as we closed the doors he reached over and unzipped my pants. I put my hand on his head his hair was so soft and within minutes we both moaned. A few minutes later he wiped his hand off then he cleaned me up. He looked at me kind of embarrassed. I told him if I wasn't with someone, I could fall real easy for him. He smiled and asked if he could kiss me. I held him in my arms his body was firm he was sweet. He said he lived in the barracks and doesn't have anywhere to go so he meets someone every now and then and has sex in his car. I told him I would call him if that was okay, he liked the idea. I left feeling guilty about what I'd done, well not really.

May 21, 2000 - Eric sat with me in church he whispered an apology. I whispered I loved only him. After services we walked around and I asked him why he always got mad at me. He said he loves me so much he gets jealous and stupid. I told him he never had to worry about anything he was the only person I loved, the only one. He agreed that from now on he would tell me what he is feeling so we can talk it through. As soon as we got back to my house he lay down and took a nap, he'd been awake all night worrying. I watched his chest rise and fall. His stomach was cute with the slightest trace of hair running down past his belly button. Eric isn't real big but he knows how to make me happy and excited and he does it well. Seeing him lay there made me crazy, I made love to him while he was asleep, he woke up and put his hand on the back of my head and was soon crying out. He belongs to me, all of him he's so clean and wholesome.

May 24, 2000 - Eric's parents are going out of town to see his aunt again. They asked me to stay with Eric at their house, I don't mind and dad said it was fine.

May 27, 2000 - I love my dad and Eric. What a party they planned. The track team and most of our friends from school showed up. It was excellent. Dad cooked on the grill and Eric helped out. Mom was there and although she didn't say anything much other than happy birthday I was glad to see her. I'm seventeen years old, Monday is the last day of school and I have someone in my life I love with my entire being. Eric gave me a band he placed it on my finger it's exactly like the one he wears. He surprised me more than he knows. This has been the greatest day of my life.

May 29, 2000 - Last day of school. Eric and I are now seniors, our last year of school, then college and we'll be able to live together all the time. We talked about college, he wants to be an Ophthalmologist and I intend on studying to be a Pediatrician. We've decided we are going to attend State College. It's relatively close to home about an hour drive. It has a great reputation and it has an outstanding School of Medicine. Eric and I took dad out to get something to eat and told him our plans. He had tears in his eyes he was happy. I looked at Eric and Dad and knew I'd never love anyone as much as I loved them.

May 30, 2000 - Getting back into the groove at the country club, there's a bunch of new caddies my age they all seem pretty cool. Eric got home about 8pm, I could tell he was exhausted, he got cleaned up, we watched a little television and he went to sleep. I held him in my arms until I fell asleep watching television myself. I love him.

June 7, 2000 - Eric is spending the night at his house. I miss him already. Works going great and I've made several new friends. I asked dad why he hasn't started dating and he ignored me, I wish he could talk to me I think if I were older he would. He never goes anywhere except with Eric and me, we love having him come along, he's fun and very down to earth. By the way, I've made a shit load of cash this week financially times are great.

June 9, 2000 - Eric and I went to the beach and swam after work the sun was going down. We sat on the sand and several guys stopped to talk with us. Eric hates it if anyone looks at me, except now he makes sure they know I'm with him permanently, I don't mind. He doesn't realize I see how many guys check him out and I'd kill anyone that touched him that would destroy me. While we were sitting I told Eric about the night at the bar with the Marine Sean. It had been bothering me a lot for not telling him. At first he was mad, he punched me about ten times then he just cried. I held him. He looked at me, I love you and the thought of anyone touching you scares me to death swear to me you'll never touch anyone else again. I looked at him and told him he'd never know how much I loved him, I really do. We walked down the beach for another hour before Eric said lets go home and you can practice safe sex on me. When we got home, Eric made love to every part of my body. He had me crying out after a while. When we were lying quiet beside each other he looked at me and said, now let's see anyone make you feel that way. I kissed my beautiful fool.

June 11, 2000 - Today in Church the minister started preaching on the sins of homosexuality. Eric grabbed my hand and we walked out. He doesn't want to return to the church. We went to the beach again. We asked some people we knew about a church where gay people were welcomed and were surprised to learn about one near downtown. Eric told me we'd go next Sunday. He makes me laugh, he's so adamant about things being right.

June 12, 2000 - Eric called me at work he had to have his car towed to the shop it wouldn't start. I told him I'd be there to pick him up. I saw him standing out front and I thought to myself there's my burger boy. What I really thought was how handsome he is and if I'd be able to make him happy for the rest of our lives, for some reason that fear has crept into my mind. I don't want to go to bars to have fun I like being around friends. Eric and I don't drink or smoke and neither of us is real fond of loud music. We both like to dance. I can see guys asking him out. It would be a nightmare if anyone ever touched him, I know they wouldn't be gentle with him like I am, because I love him and need him more than anything else in the world. When he jumped in the car he picked up my hand and put it on his leg, then he told me he loved me. I'm happy....

June 18, 2000 - Eric and I went to the new church downtown. The service was nice and everyone fellowshipped with everyone else. Eric and I took communion walking up together hand in hand. This is freedom, no one was condemned during the entire service everyone was welcome and accepted. Eric was happy and he came to life I didn't know how wonderful his voice was till that moment when he was singing a hymn. He reached down and held my hand the entire time and not once did we have to look around to see if anyone was looking. We fellowshipped after the service in the hall in the basement we were introduced to everyone and invited to attend their monthly Church dinner. The minister invited us to attend couples counseling aimed at strengthening and understanding our relationship. Eric looked at me and then said we'd love to come. We had such a good time neither of us wanted to leave but I had work at 2pm.

June 20, 2000 - We attended the relationship session at the church. Listening to the minister and each other made me feel so good. Eric and I began to realize that we had found each other because God wanted us to be together to help each other be happy and grow. I found myself with tears rolling down my cheek when he talked about losing the person you love, I thought to myself that would kill me I'd never be able to go on. A few of the couples had already experienced that and shared with the group. I wanted to hold the entire group in my arms and tell them it would be all right. After the session we all had coffee and pastries, we were invited over to another couples place this weekend to play cards.

June 21, 2000 - Work went great. Eric and I are real happy. His parents have really been trying to be supportive. I'm going to dinner at Eric's house his parents asked me to. I'm a little scared about them getting upset seeing me and Eric together but I want them to be good to him and I'll do anything to keep them for being down on him.

June 23, 2000 - Eric found my book. He said he didn't open it but that he'd like to read it when I felt comfortable letting him. I can't right now, this is the sane place of my world right now. When the medication isn't working and Eric's loving me doesn't seem to be enough I have this small place to yell out to the world what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. It's not that I don't love or trust Eric, God knows I love him more than anything on the face of this planet, but I need this place all to myself for now.

June 24, 2000 - Went to Dennis and Gordon's house. They're the couple we met at church. They're in their early thirties and they've been a couple for five years. We played cards and talked, they were giving us advice on staying together, and then they'd say "you're both still very young so give it time." I know I'm young, I know Eric is young and I know we're both very much in love and time won't change that. Eric had a great time, he's gotten to the point where he fixes dinner and does other things around the house he said it makes him happy. I haven't told him yet, but I changed my checking account to both our names. I make more in a two days then he does in a week. I hate him working at Mickey "D's" they work him to death, he's tired all the time, and I'm tired of them picking at him, I've had it, I want him to stay home, I don't know how he's going to feel when I tell him.

June 25, 2000 - Took Eric to church and then out to eat. After lunch we went to the Jetties and sat on the rocks. I love the wind and the water it smells so fresh. I told Eric about the bank account and how I felt about him working. He laid his head against my shoulder, his whole body shook as he cried he kept saying how much he loved me, I know he does. He agreed to reduce his hours to the bare minimum. I gave him a checkbook of his own. Now I feel like we're a family, we're sharing things.

June 26, 2000 - Today was dad's birthday. My dad looks like a male model he's so young and healthy. I wish he would meet someone nice so he wouldn't be by himself. I got him a new Golfing Wedge he's been wanting. Dad is an avid golfer. He smiled so big when he opened his present, then he picked me up in his arms and held me so tight I thought he might break me. When he put me down I looked at him and knew I loved him with all my heart. Eric and I took dad to dinner. Eric gave dad a set of personally engraved golf balls. Dad smiled from ear to ear then hugged Eric. I wondered what Eric feels when my dad hugged him?

June 30, 2000 - I've been tired all week. At first I thought it was work wearing me out. I'm starting to have crazy thoughts again and I'm getting really scared and worrying about everything, I take my medicine without fail. Called the Doctor but he isn't in until Monday. I'm afraid to be around Eric but I have to tell him.

July 1, 2000 - Eric sat down and listened as I told him how I was feeling. I could see in his eyes how afraid for me he was. I told him I could control myself for now but first thing on Monday I'd have to see the doctor. Eric did the strangest thing, he held me in his arms stroking my face, hair, arms, all of my body until I fell asleep. I slept almost the entire day. When I woke up he was still holding me tight kissing my ears and whispering to me. He felt me wake and he immediately told me everything was all right and for me to relax then he gently stroked my back until I fell back asleep.

July 3, 2000 - We went to church yesterday but I couldn't sit throughout the entire service too anxious. I walked out to the cemetery and wasn't out there maybe three or four minutes before I got the feeling a hand was going to grab my foot, I became so paranoid I had to run from the cemetery. Eric was just coming out of church when he saw me I knew he was aware of what was happening. Once again he took care of me. Went to my doctor's appointment this morning, I told him what was happening, he increased the dosage of my medication, he wants me to have a cat scan and some more testing. I'm not going to tell Eric because he'll be scared to death. I feel better already with the increased dosage. Eric is the love of my life. He quit his job and now he's here all the time, when I get home he has dinner ready and either the three of us or just him and I sit down to eat each night. Coming home to him has been the best thing to ever happen to me.

July 4, 2000 - In the morning we're leaving for Aspen. Dad wants to go skiing. He's arranged everything we'll be gone from the fourth until the 9th. The Country Club Manager was great about giving me the time off. Eric's parents are letting him go with us. I can't believe dad did this for us, he seems so happy I can't believe it. I've been after him to meet someone, after all he was the one that brought it up and now he tells me he's happy by himself for the time being. Maybe he'll meet someone in Aspen.

July 10, 2000 - What an awesome vacation, Eric and I snowboarded the entire time. Eric picked it up easily I had a harder time but he was really good at laughing until I found myself laughing and couldn't stand up. We didn't see much of dad he skied with several of his friends who happened to be in Aspen for the same reason. Bought Eric a new jacket to go with his ski pants he loves it but said we shouldn't spend money unless we absolutely have to. I told him I absolutely had too because I absolutely love him. He put the jacket on, he looks hot, I may have to become his bodyguard. We've been hanging out with a bunch of local snowboarders, they're all pretty cool. We weren't sure how they would take us being a couple. They were all right with it, like they said this is Aspen and they see all kinds of things, and being a couple isn't strange at all here. One of the guys said his dad was gay and it was cool with him. It was the best vacation I'd ever had. I did kind of have to remind Eric we were a couple all the guys gawking at him. He punched me every time I aggravated him he said I'd never have to worry about that. It was the best time in the world I hated coming home the time went by so quickly.

July 11, 2000 - Work went fast today, made really good tips. After work went over to the medical center and got my blood tests and they sent me for my scan. It didn't take as long as I had thought and it wasn't scary at all. I didn't like having an IV in my arm but other than that I was fine. I've been having a lot of thoughts about killing myself I'm going to mention it to the doctor when I see him in a couple of days.

July 14, 2000 - Told the doctor about my thoughts, he put me in the hospital. He's afraid I'm going to kill myself I've told him over and over I'm not going to do anything, I've just been having the thoughts. He refused to listen, he's made me mad and I told him to fuck off. I don't want to see him again I can't trust someone that won't listen to me. I apologized for cussing at him. He called dad. Dad and Eric are coming up to stay with me until the morning when I can be released. Whatever the medication they gave me was I don't know but it worked. I felt great again just like the first time the doctor had given me medication. The doctor said he was pleased to see that I was responding to the new drug. By the time that Dad and Eric arrived I felt ready to go home. My doctor took dad with him to his office I'm not sure what he told him dad wouldn't say a word. Eric sat with me looking around like what's going on here anyone can see you look great. Eric announced he wasn't leaving me here alone tonight. I lifted my blanket up and he crawled in when dad came back we must have been asleep. Dad woke us in the morning. They released me around 10am. I had to go by the doctor's office before leaving the building. He had the three of us sit down and he began to explain the test results. I have a progressive neurological disease maybe in a month or maybe in twenty-five years I'll lose the ability to function, there isn't anyway to know. But as it progresses I'll lose muscle functions and eventually my brain won't be able to control my heart and breathing and I will have to have help doing both or I'll die. Eric started crying, dad had tears in his eyes, I was fucking angry. I ran from his office, down the hall and out the front door. I had to be alone for now.

July 19, 2000 - So I'm dying, what the hell. I've got to get Eric a boyfriend that will love him and take care of him the way I would have. Dad's already started acting funny around me. Mom called but I have no desire to even speak with her, she's only calling because I'm croaking and she feels guilty, she doesn't need to feel anything for me, I don't feel anything for her, haven't in a long time. I'm not able to forgive her. She deserted me when I really needed her, thank God dad stuck by me.

July 20, 2000 - Work was great made about 300 bucks. I'm really building up our bank account I want Eric to have plenty of money to do some of the things he wants. Told Eric I needed to be alone. Of course he cried and I gave in. He's asleep, I do love him so much, touching him, kissing him, watching him sleep is everything I'd ever thought life was about. He's one of the coolest people in the world.

July 21, 2000 - Went out tonight with a couple we'd met at church. They took us to a bar, we met tons of other people including two guys from school we both knew but didn't know they were gay, matter of fact one of them had been on the football team with me at the other school. He gave me a hug I introduced him to Eric. I saw the way he looked at Eric and instead of being jealous I was really glad. He told me about his parent's and everything that happened. He said the football team had heard about me being queer. Rumor is that's the reason you left they drove you off. I told him I didn't get run off, when I told them I was gay it wasn't a big deal until they all started acting like I was staring at them in the showers, they were the last people in the world I'd do that too and told them so. They were really pissed. When I finished he smiled and said his parent's transferred him from the school. My oldest brother is gay so my parent's kind of had a couple of years to get use to having a gay child. It really has made things easier for me. He asked me about Eric, I told him we were just friends and that Eric was a nice guy, very gentle. Steven said he wished he could meet someone like Eric I began pushing them next to each other as we talked. When I got up to go to the bathroom Eric followed me. The minute I closed the door he began yelling at me, telling me there wasn't any way that I was going to push him away. He loved me. He showed me the ring on his finger than lifted my hand and reminded me of what it meant. I tried to explain I only meant well, he told me next time he was going to kick my fucking ass, I belonged to him, then he stormed out of the bathroom. I'd never seen him that pissed. I stayed in the bathroom for several minutes, when the door opened it was Eric, he took my hand and pulled me out on the dance floor, we held onto each other dancing a nice slow dance.

July 24, 2000 - The summer is going by quickly. Eric is growing into one hell of a good-looking man. I've had the hardest time keeping my hands off of him. He loves it at least that is what he says. All I know is that I love him and want him to know it every minute of everyday. We spent time shopping for school clothes. I've told Eric how I feel and how scared I am about leaving him. He told me there wasn't anything to worry about and he knew it, I was going to be fine because he loved me. We spent time on the beach this past weekend. I just discovered Eric loves to surf fish as much as I do. We got some chairs, a cooler, bait and our rods and spent almost the entire night stuck to each other fishing. I couldn't help from holding his hand or touching him. Eric kept his hand on the back of my neck, his fingers playing with my hair.

July 26, 2000 - Have to go for more tests. Dad is all for every test they can give me, if it makes him happy I'll do it. Ever since we heard the diagnosis he's been very upset. Eric told me today he is going away with his parent's for a week. His aunt died last night the funeral is Saturday. I'm really going to miss him.

July 28, 2000 - Couldn't sleep, crawled in bed with dad. He put his arms around me and held me tight, when I woke up he was asleep, his lips pressed to my forehead. I pulled him to me tighter and knew beyond a doubt that I could very easily fall in love with my father if I were single. When dad woke up, I held him while we talked. He told me how afraid he was of having to live without me. I ran my fingers through his hair and very slowly he began to cry. I could feel his tears cascading off my chest. I didn't let him go until he was calm again. Dad sat up and pulled me to him, I rested my head in his lap. He looked down at me stroking my face and hair as we talked. He understood how I felt about Eric and my responsibility. Dad assured me Eric would be fine, he'd see to that. But, like dad said, nothing was ever going to happen to me, nothing ever.

July 30, 2000 - I'm a mentally sick person. I'm writing this while just feet from me asleep in bed is my father, 38 years old. I look at him and I feel the way I do about Eric. I want to hold him and then hold him some more. I want him happy. I've sat next to him and ran my fingers through his hair until I got a hard on then I had to walk away. I'm going to have to tell him what I'm feeling. I hope he can understand.

August 1, 2000 - Eric got back this morning. He came right over and we made love. He doesn't even have to touch me to make me collapse. But he does touch me and the way he does makes me crazy. I hope he feels the same way, I'm pretty sure he does. School starts in another month, Eric and I will be seniors then off to State College. I'm excited as hell about having our own apartment. The only drawback is I don't want dad alone that really scares me.

August 4, 2000 - Work has been going fantastic. I've made a lot of money this week. Everyone's on vacation and all of the vacationer's golf or so it seems. They definitely tip well. Eric was spending the evening with his parents so dad and I fended for our self. Dad and I drove up to MacDonald's and ordered. Sitting in the restaurant was Eric and his parents. He was trying so hard not to turn red and laugh. Finally we had our order the five of us sat together and talked. He was exhausted when he got home and after a shower he climbed in bed and passed out. I held him most of the night until I woke up then I couldn't go back to sleep. I'm going to start keeping these notes on a computer, I'll ask dad about it in the morning.

August 5, 2000 - Dad went out today and bought me a laptop computer. I couldn't believe it. I got it set up where I could type my notes or anything else I really wanted to do. Dad kept asking if anything was wrong, I told him no. Finally he asked and I told him I had a slight tremor in my hand that made reading my writing impossible. I lifted my hand and he could see it was barely visible. I saw a look of relief cross his face. We agreed it wasn't anything important. I'm going to type from the beginning of my journal to where I am today and then keep my journal on the computer it will be easier than trying to decipher my writing.

August 6, 2000 - Eric is spending time with his parents. I'm so glad they are over their fears about him. He's a great guy and he'll make one hell of a doctor. The problem for me is I don't think I'll be around long enough to see him make it that far. I've noticed tremors on and off. It might be nothing but then again it might be the disease tightening its grip. I've been thinking a lot about dying, I'm not afraid but if I think about it enough I begin to cry because I won't have Eric with me he'll be alone and that scares me so much. Dad being alone scares me too, he's a really strong person but I know that underneath he's a warm person who loves hard I'm worried how my death will affect him. I've also decided that when I begin to reach the point where I cannot breathe on my own, I'm going to take my own life. I started collecting drugs today, after reading some articles on the internet I know what I'll need to do, it will be easier on me and everyone else involved, God will forgive me, I've asked him to over and over, I think he understands. I wish I could crawl inside of Eric's skin and be with him all the time protecting him, keeping him happy and safe. I know I can't and wouldn't want to keep him from growing into the wonderful man he is becoming. Why Eric is so loving and gentle with me is beyond belief. I'm going to ask him. I can see him sitting at his desk his hair falling in his eyes. My hand brushing the hair from his eyes and caressing his face, then he puts his arms around my waist looks up at me and tells me he loves me, I know he does, and I know he knows I love him with all my heart and soul.

August 8, 2000 - Eric's older brother graduated from Medical School today in Florida. Eric and his parents traveled to his graduation. Eric's brother is a wonderful guy he's just a bigger version of Eric, handsome as his little brother is. He's been a great help and a wonderful friend, I would have gone but dad didn't want me going without him and he had surgeries today he couldn't reschedule. Dad is becoming very protective, that's okay with me. It's what he needs right now to deal with everything that is happening. Eric called about 10pm. He told me about graduation and said that would be us in another six or so years, I had to smile listening to the excitement in his voice. Then out of the blue Eric began to cry, he was lonely and needed to be with me. He wanted me to hold him in my arms. I kissed him over the phone until he felt better. I asked him why he fell in love with me. He paused then he said he couldn't believe it when Chad told him about me. He said the first time he saw me he knew he was in love. The first time we lay in bed together he had to make sure it was real and not a dream. He said there isn't a day that goes by when he doesn't know how lucky he is and how happy we are going to be forever. I knew he started to say for the rest of our lives. We talked until just about fifteen minutes ago then I told him to go to bed and remember I'd be holding him in my arms.

August 11, 2000 - Eric got home this afternoon. We lay in each other's arms until he slept. I buried my face in his hair and breathed in his scent, it's his fault I'm always so horny, he's always blaming me for the same thing. Tonight he cried again, I know the stress of what's going on is starting to get to him. He lay on his back and looked up at me as I made love to him. He began to cry, then he told me he'd never be able to live without me, I made him swear he'd never do anything to hurt himself, he agreed as long as I made sure nothing happened to me, I swore to him I'd be all right. The fear he made me feel was unimaginable, Oh God I couldn't stand it if anything hurt Eric, anything.

August 12, 2000 - Eric started a new job today, I worked for about three hours then it began to rain and I went home, made almost 125 in the few hours I worked. Got on the Internet and began reading about the disease in my body. After reading everything I knew it was hopeless and only time would tell, but I knew what signs to look for and the tremor in my hand was one. That was the reason dad looked horrified, I'm going to keep things to myself as long as possible.

August 13, 2000 - The three of us went to church today, sat with Eric's parents. After church Eric and I went and got a bite to eat then changed clothes and went out to the beach. It was great we wrestled around until we were both exhausted then we lay in the sun for a couple of hours. We look like cute lobsters. The sun beating down on my body felt so good having Eric next to me was the best there wasn't anything more I could ask for. As we were heading back to the car, the Marine I'd met a while back walked up and started talking. He completely ignored Eric, he wanted to get together again I told him it wasn't possible. I put my arm around Eric's neck, this is Eric and we're a couple have been since before you and I met that night. I told him he was a great guy but that Eric was my life. He smiled, thanked me and walked away. I felt sorry for him. I watched Eric to see how he felt he smiled at me, "thank you." I looked at him, "Eric I love you." Eric was working on a project for the church. It's really nice to see my dad and Eric's parent's in church with a lot of other parent's of gay relatives. Tuesday night we have counseling and Wednesday potluck it really is a lot of fun.

August 15, 2000 - Counseling this evening was great, it really does help you get to know your partner better. It makes me appreciate Eric more and more. After counseling Eric went downstairs to help with the coffee and pastries I stayed behind to talk with the minister. I told him what the doctor had said and how I felt as well as how I felt about Eric. He advised me to talk to God for direction but no matter what happened God would always love me. We walked downstairs together.

August 19, 2000 - Eric worked all day. I got home around 2pm took a shower and lay down. When I went to get out of bed, I couldn't move. It was like my entire body was dead weight. I couldn't even raise my head. I began screaming at the top of my lungs but no one came to help me. I remember dad sitting next to me shaking me gently, telling me to wake up. I opened my eyes, sat up and put my arms around his neck. Dad lay beside me and held my head to his chest until I calmed down. Dad talked to me telling me everything was going to work out just give it time and don't get upset or scared, he promised me he'd be there for me every minute of everyday, I knew he meant it.

August 24, 2000 - Been working overtime everyday, I'm so tired I don't wake up at night to write. I've made a small fortune at work so I'm not complaining because in addition to getting Eric something special to wear at school, I've ordered him a leather letterman's jacket. I can't wait to see his face when he wakes up on the first day of school. I've asked him to move in with me permanently, dad said it was all right as long as his parent's didn't mind. He's going to talk to them this weekend.

August 25, 2000 - We spent the evening shopping for school clothes. I bought Eric a gold necklace with a gold dog tag. I'm giving it to him after church on Sunday. I'm tired so I'm going to hit the sack.

August 26, 2000 - Eric's parents agreed as long as we stay at their house during school holidays. We agreed. Eric's father helped move his belonging over here his dad hugged the both of us before he left. Eric and I spent the remainder of the day putting things away. I feel like I'm married to the most wonderful person in the world. We go to bed together and wake up together we're a family now.

August 27, 2000 - Eric and I went walking after church, we'd gone a block or so when I turned to him and handed him the small wrapped box, he looked at me questioningly before opening the box. He held it up then read the inscription on the tag, "nothing can tear us a part. Love you always, Nathan." Eric looked at me and reached in his pocket and pulled out a box, he handed it too me. I opened the box inside was a watch I've wanted for a long time. I knew he'd spent all of the money he'd earned during the summer. I looked at him he turned the watch over and read, "I love you, Eric." He floored me I leaned against the fence behind me and buried my face in my hands crying. He loved me so much and I knew it, felt it and I loved him eternally. Out of the blue Eric lifted my face from my hands and kissed me gently in broad daylight. We walked back to the parking lot he drove the car to the house. We came upstairs and made love until we both went to sleep.

August 31, 2000 - Today was the last day of work until next year. The manager wants me to come back again if I want to I told him I'd love too. He smiled then gave me a bonus check of 300 dollars. He said the golfers really thought a lot of me. I thanked him then went by the bank on the way home and deposited the money. Took Eric out to eat and then to a movie, he wants to start staying home together more, he like us being together. He wants to learn to make pottery, I told him it sounded fun and I'd go with him. He's looking for a place to go for lessons.

September 1, 2000 - I'm writing this from Bermuda, Dad's gift to the three of us. He said we all deserved a break before starting school and anyway he wanted to have some fun with us. Dad took Eric and me to the White Horse Tavern where we had a beer. Dad enjoyed himself listening to music. A young woman about 30 ask dad to dance he danced but I could see he wasn't happy. While he was dancing a man about my dad's age came over to our table. I looked at the man twice. He was blonde, blue eyed and tanned he introduced himself as JC Holloway an old friend of dads. He scribbled out a note for dad then walked out, said he had an important call to make. When dad returned to the table he read the note and looked around, we told him the guy had to go and make a call. Dad explained the guy was a doctor friend he'd gone to school with.

September 2, 2000 - The three of us slept late. Dad got a call, I could hear him talking, he dressed and went out saying he'd be back later. He didn't get into until late. Being nosy I ask him about Mr. Holloway, he told me they had been classmates. He said he went home with Dr. Holloway during the holidays when they were students and met Dr. Holloway's sister, Alethea. This was of course before he had met mother. He said they had become very close, too close. Alethea would come up to school and stay in the dorm, we'd study and with what little time was left we'd spend being with each other. Alethea got a scholarship overseas, she didn't want to go and but I insisted telling her she'd never be happy if she gave up her dreams. She went, that was the last time I've seen her. Dr. Holloway, I see all the time, he and I usually attend conferences together.

September 4, 2000 - School began today. It wasn't bad at all. Everyone in school knows that Eric and I happen to be a couple. During lunch several old friends stopped by to show their support. Eric and I noticed a few new couples, boys and girls. I was tired it was hard to get up this morning after coming home from Bermuda, but it was a great time and dad is a lot happier, seems his old flame is coming to town in a couple of weeks on business.

September 6, 2000 - Track went well. I've noticed when I've finished running that I have a tremor in my right eye. I'm pretty sure I've had it before when I was overly tired or scared. I'm not worried about it. Eric is on the school paper and the yearbook, he seems happy, I know I am.

September 9, 2000 - We're staying at Eric's parent's house. We cooked out then went swimming his parent's are really trying. Eric's brother was home. He kept looking at me, I didn't feel uncomfortable I'm not sure what I felt.

September 10, 2000 - Eric's asleep. I'm not sure how I should feel. Eric's brother asked me to come to his room we started talking he told me he knew about my illness. He walked over to where I was sitting and as I stood up he put his arms around me. He walked me to his bed and held me in his arms. There wasn't anything sexual, he just held me tight and let me know that he was going to be there for me along with his brother. Something in the way he held onto me made me feel very safe. He talked about everything and soon I found myself comfortable enough to cry, he stroked the side of my face, wiping my tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. I know I lay there for a couple of hours he was asleep when I returned to Eric.

September 13, 2000 - Doctor had me go into the city for a full body scan. Eric had after school meetings and couldn't get away. Dad's female friend arrived this evening. She is as pretty as her brother, wow. She was very accepting and pleasant to Eric and me.

September 15, 2000 - Friday, Yeah! This has been the longest week for me. Chad and some of the other guys on the team have been training really hard for meets and their enthusiasm has pushed me even harder. I've been running five days a week, using Saturdays for speed and stamina training. Sunday I don't plan on doing anything but resting. Eric and I sat down and opened the envelope from the doctor who had read the scan. The letter said nothing more than everything was within normal limits. We smiled at one another then Eric kissed me and slowly we made our way up the stairs and into the bedroom. Eric and I made love for hours exhausted we fell asleep in each other's arms. The feel of his silky hair on my stomach drives me crazy and he knows it and loves it. Eric told me he'd never be able to have sex with another person or love anyone as much as he loves me. The truth is I felt the same way. He is more than I ever dreamed of and more than I would ever deserve. "Thank you God for Eric and this wonderful life. Please let my dad find the same happiness, as well as Eric's brother."

September 16, 2000 - We played hooky and now we're paying the price. We went out to the beach it was almost 85 today, September 16! No wind just warmth. We lay on our towels on the sand, the sounds of Gulls crisscrossing the sky and techno music blaring down the beach from a boom box made the setting beautiful. Eric and I played in the water actually Eric had a fantasy that we fulfilled. We didn't get home until after six, Dad and Alethea were already gone for the evening. After dinner I put vinegar on Eric's back and shoulders. He knelt in front of me I put my hands in his hair and a few minutes later my legs almost buckled. Eric looked up at me the look in his eyes sent me to the edge.

September 17, 2000 - Went to church then to Eric's parent's house for Sunday dinner, it was wonderful. Eric's brother's friend, Clark was there. He's as nice as Eric's brother and just as cute. Eric and I liked him right away. When we got home Eric pulled me upstairs and undressed me then we made love over and over. Eric cried out several times as his orgasms exploded. He worked me over each time being rewarded with more and more of me.

September 19, 2000 - Another hectic school week. Meets are scheduled for the 21 and 22nd. I'm ready, I just want the team overall to do well we will see.

September 21, 2000 - Turned in a 4.05 on the mile, setting a new school record. I know I could have done better but I couldn't get Eric off my mind. Several time I had to rearrange my shorts, all Eric's fault. The team did outstanding we medaled in almost every race. Everyone is hyped for the second half tomorrow.

September 22, 2000 - Another fantastic day. Eric worked out all my kinks before I went to track. He did a great job I was relaxed and raced better than the day before.

Took Eric out to celebrate the teams victory, we went to Beefsteak Charlie's Eric's favorite restaurant. We talked and ate for over two hours. As we were leaving the restaurant we ran into a group of guys from another school. They called me a faggot, I didn't mind that but when they said it about Eric. I knocked their quarterback into the pavement then waited for him to get up. His friends helped him up and hurried off. No one and I mean no fucking body is going to call Eric anything ever. He is still upset he said I could have been killed. I told him I'd be careful. He tossed and turned for over an hour before I was able to get him to sleep.

September 26, 2000 - Tuesday, they must be working me too hard at school, I never seem to have a chance to train right on Monday's that much anymore.

September 30, 2000 - What a week. Eric's had the flu and has been staying at his house his mother has been taking care of him. I sit with him every night until he falls asleep then I crawl up on the top bunk and pass out. He's getting better illness of any type scares me. Eric being sick scared me to death, I'm afraid of something bad happening.

October 2, 2000 - Eric has to attend a dance at school for an article. He hates the idea but I reminded him it's a part of his job. I think he'll do a great job and come out of the dance with one heck of a great story.

October 3, 2000 - Where is my Father? Hmmm! He's been spending all of his time with Alethea. I'm glad the few times I've seen him he's been happy but busy. I don't want him getting hurt, Eric and I have talked about that happening and I'm a little worried.

October 6, 2000 - Jesus! My medication isn't working again. All week I've been going crazy, worrying, noises. Called the doctor he wants to see me in the morning. I can't sleep and I can't tell Eric or Dad, they'd become nervous wrecks. I saw a lizard on the ledge of the window he keeps walking back and forth, he's pacing the way I do, I'm not sure, occasionally he'll stop and bellow, his throat expanding, then he'll go back to pacing. It's amazing as I'm watching him he catches a bug mid air, slowly subduing his prey. I watch him devour his meal, as the night changes to day he scurries away, probably to sleep. I feel like I just woke up with too much energy. Eric is still sleeping softly, I love him so much, he shouldn't have to deal with all the problems I've got, he's too perfect for me, too perfect.

October 7, 2000 - Saw the doctor, we talked for over an hour. He examined me he seems very concerned about the twitch in my eye. I wore my running clothes, told Eric and Dad I was going on a long run so they wouldn't worry. Doctor changed my meds again he's sending me back to the specialist right away. I got upset, he gave me a sedative, he was about to call my father but I begged him not to. I'll go to the specialist on my own. He agreed.

October 9, 2000 - Eric knows I had to get a checkup today, he wanted to go with me but I made it sound simple so he gave in and went to school, he's got the dance tomorrow.

Had a lot of blood tests and other exams, the doctor is concerned with my tremors and memory loss, he says that the agitation and anger I'm feeling are a part of the disease, the doctor ask me about pain, I told him I hadn't had any, that was about the only thing he was happy about. I've told him if he shares my information with my father that I won't return to him he's agreed to be as vague as possible without lying.

October 10, 2000 - The dance was a success I'm hoping Eric's story is a big success too. He was writing late into the night, I made him go to bed, promising I'd be right behind him. He goes to sleep so easily. I love holding him in my arms my face buried in the back of his neck he's warm and safe, my own island where there aren't any worries. I cry a lot now, I'm not sad it's just that sometimes things don't seem right and my chest gets tight and tears spring in my eyes. I feel hopeless at times maybe I'll always have these feelings. I mean I've felt so far removed from life for so long maybe this is the way it is meant to be for me. If it hadn't been for sports I'd never have had any friends. As a child I was sick a lot and spent most of my time with older people. I like people but I don't know the right words to say or the topics to start a conversation where people feel comfortable. If it hadn't been for sports I'd probably never met Eric, he'd never of wanted to be around someone like me. I sometimes wonder how he puts up with all my idiosyncrasies.

October 12, 2000 - I hurt Eric's feelings. He's at his parent's house and it is so lonely here without him. Dad and Alethea went to Key West for a week. Mom's called several times, but I don't have anything to say, nothing that will make either of us feel better. I don't want to be caustic with my words so I'm avoiding any conversation with her. I asked Eric if he would have ever talked to me if I hadn't been a jock. He looked at me and told me he loved me. Then he told me he couldn't believe it when I showed an interest in him. He said he'd always dreamed about someone like me. The few times he saw me he dreamed about me all the time and then when I showed an interest in him he couldn't believe. He said that every time I touch him it makes him feel like we're the only person on earth and that there isn't a day that goes by where he doesn't love me more. We sat down on the floor and talked for a while, Eric played with my hair. I turned around facing him and unzipped his pants; I pushed him gently on the bed and made love to him with my mouth. He wanted to reciprocate; I wasn't in the mood at that moment, I only wanted to make him happy. He looked at me hurt, when I tried to make him understand that I wanted to please him he looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked me if he still pleased me I told him he was the only person in the world for me, but he was upset. I grabbed him in my arms and told him to simmer down I wouldn't let him go he struggled yelling at me to let him fucking go. I opened my arms and he shoved me then walked out. I let him go then sat down on the floor and closed my eyes. All I wanted was to satisfy him, to watch his body. As for sex I could have sex a hundred times a night some nights. I love watching him as he makes love to me, his legs on my shoulders or his lips pleasing me my hands on both sides of his head, his hair silky, the feeling so erotic I lose control. Eric is perfect, he's sensible, caring, strong willed, athletic (a mean volleyball player, tennis partner.) He the smartest guy I've ever known other than my dad, there isn't anything about him that turns me off or anything about him that doesn't turn me on. He's one of the hardest workers in the world and he loves caring for me, taking care of me. What do I do for him, nothing but make him unhappy and give him things to worry over? If I start to get sicker, I'm not putting him through all of it, I can't, it would kill me to see him falling a part, he's got so much life ahead of him and I pray to God it's with me.

October 13, 2000 - He won't take my calls. I called his house several times and left messages. Eric loves me I know he does. I drove by his house his car was gone. I drove around town and found his car parked outside the bar. I felt like killing him at that moment, I made him mad and he's out cruising for another guy. I walked in and spotted him in the corner with a couple of our friends, they hadn't seen me. I sat in the corner at the bar out of sight. A guy a couple years older than me asked me to dance I took my shirt off and followed him. We danced, I darted my eyes in Eric's direction I could see he was really pissed. After the song was over the guy I had been dancing with put his hand on my shoulder and that was all it took. Eric walked over to where I was sitting at the bar. The guy I'd danced with smiled at Eric and asked if we knew each other. Eric replied with we did once maybe that's why we wear these bands. The guy threw his hands up and walked away shaking his head. Eric slapped me really hard. Almost every eye in the place turned to where we stood. Eric stared in my face and whispered under his breath, you fucker you belong to me. I didn't call you back because you wanted a fight and I don't intend to fight with you, I was letting you get it out of your system. Don't you ever do what you've done tonight I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. I stood up and pulled him into my arms and kissed the top of his head. I knew he didn't want anyone to see his tears. Soon the conversations were back to normal. When he pulled away he looked at me and told me that I didn't know what it meant to really love someone the way he loved me and he walked out. I sat there for a few minutes before following him, his car was already gone, when I got home he'd left me a message telling me he loved me but didn't want to see me for a couple of days. I hate this, hate it hate it.

October 14, 2000 - I'm going out of town for a few days. I need to see what's wrong with me. Drove into the city and got a hotel room, changed clothes and headed out to the bar. I danced with strangers but I didn't feel anything at all. Around 10:30, I met Kyle. He bought me a coke I looked over and thanked him. He smiled telling me I didn't remember him, I didn't. He said he was on my old high school's track team, he'd transferred in when his mother died and he had to come live with his grandparent's, said he'd seen me run several times, said I was cute. I looked at him, Light brownish red hair, green eyes, my height and weight. We talked until they threw us out. He came back with me to the hotel room. We lay on the bed, his head on my arm and we talked. He offered to do anything I wanted and I asked him why? He said that's what made people like him, his willingness to do whatever they wanted. I told him over and over how important a person he was, how cute and desirable. Then he asked me to date him, I told him about Eric and he shook his head, I wish I were that lucky. I ran my fingers through his hair and held him tight in my arms until he had to go home. He said he'd come back later. After he left I lay on the bed and slept, no pills, no worries, I was comfortable and I slept.

October 15, 2000 - Kyle looked wonderful. He showed up in a pair of blue carpenter jeans with a white T-shirt he looked healthy. I had on an old pair of tan shorts and a white T-shirt. He smiled as he walked in, so did I. He sat down on the edge of the bed and put his arms around my waist, I held his head tight against my abdomen, playing with his hair. I watched his face as he closed his eyes I felt he was happy he didn't want to go anywhere. We went and got a pizza, some cokes and came back to the room. He undressed leaving on his T-shirt and boxers, I left on my shorts, we sat beside each other eating pizza and watching Independence Day. He fell asleep, I held him in my arms the whole night kissing the side of his face, keeping him next to me. When he woke I was still looking in his face, he smiled up at me, I held him tighter, I kissed his eyes then I gently kissed his lips. We showered together, holding on to each other under the warm water. When we were dressed we talked about seeing each other again. I wanted to see him, he was my friend, I knew I cared about him, but in a way different than Eric.

October 16, 2000 - Told Kyle I'd see him soon, I was going home. I didn't, I closed the blinds on the room and sat in the dark trying to get a grip on my life. I knew I was slowly losing my mind. I couldn't concentrate sometimes I saw things that I knew were not there, the urge to commit suicide was becoming stronger. The tremor in my hand was a little more intense, nothing anyone would notice. I knew I was probably going to die from the disease, I could feel it spreading through my body, poisoning my mind and my blood stream. If the disease didn't kill me then my mental illness would, either way I knew I would never live to be 21. I'm going home in the morning. There is nothing more that I can do except wait for the moment when I will no longer be strong enough to live.

October 17, 2000 - All day long I've caught hell from Dad and Eric even Alethea gave me a stern look for making everyone worry. Eric and I talked, I told him about Kyle, he knew he had nothing to worry about, he never would. We talked late into the night, I told him everything I was thinking about, told him about the day in the hotel, including my thoughts. Eric understood, he really understood, he told me he knew how hard it had been for me. He wanted me to know that he loved me and no matter what always would. He told me to never push him away that his love was forever just like the rings on our fingers. Eric undressed me, then undressed himself and lay in bed he pulled me in his arms and held me until early this morning when I got out of bed to write. Another day without medication, this is great but it won't last the depression is beginning again. As I look at Eric sleeping I want to breakdown and cry, instead I'm sitting here wiping my eyes as I watch him sleep I realize how beautiful a person he really is.

October 19, 2000 - Met with my Psych, he's very concerned about the medications ineffectiveness. He gave me an injection as I sat in his office. Within a few minutes I felt fantastic, it literally cleared my mind and suddenly I felt light hearted and happy. The Doctor told me it would make me tired but in a good way. He also prescribed some pretty potent oral medications, telling me I had to call him at the first sign they weren't working, he made me promise then we shook hands on it. We talked about the last few weeks. I told him everything he checked the tremor in my hand and completed a few other tests. He made arrangements for me to see the specialist without my father knowing, that was the one condition otherwise I wouldn't go. I've got an appointment for Monday.

October 21, 2000 - Medication is great. Eric is so happy. Dad and Alethea are becoming close. She's very nice to Eric and I think she's falling in love with Dad, I'm glad I don't want him hurt.

October 24, 2000 - I didn't cry, I didn't get mad, I knew, I've always known. My test results were not good. The specialist wanted to see me with Dad but I refused to allow him to tell Dad. The disease is progressing at an alarming rate. He refused to speculate how it would progress but he and I knew the outcome, death, maybe a year, maybe more, maybe not. After I left his office I drove around for an hour clearing my head and calming my heart. It's funny but I felt like I was on the outside watching this young boy die and wanting so badly to hold him in my arms and protect him but I can't because the boy is me. I have no intentions of making Dad and Eric suffer through this illness with me neither of them deserves to be punished. Over the last couple of months I've amassed a large amount of medication, with the assistance of the internet I think I've pretty well figured out what I'll have to mix to have the effect I will need soon. Eric was still at school when I got home I went into the bathroom and stood in the mirror, removed my shirt and studied myself in the mirror. I liked me, I couldn't associate myself with my real self, all I could do was pity the poor boy I saw in the mirror and love him the best way I could. Yes, I ended up crying, crying for the boy in front of me, tears spilling over his cheeks as his body shook with the realization that his young life would never move past being young. The sadness I felt was immeasurable, how could I help this boy, how? What about Dad, I knew that losing me would hurt him so much, he was just beginning to rebuild his life. And, Eric, Oh God, what will happen to my baby, of all the things I've ever asked for all I want is to know that Eric isn't suffering.

October 25, 2000 - Medication seems to be working, I'm depressed mentally but physically I'm alert and have a smile on my face.

October 27, 2000 - Eric arranged a camping trip for us in the national park. We pitched our tent, laid out our sleeping bags and got ready for dinner. I watched Eric, he had on and old Flannel Shirt, blue jeans and hiking boots. His hair was a little longer than he usually wore it and it brushed his eyes as his head moved. His gold-rimmed glasses sparkled in the waning sunlight. I watched him move around the camp like an expert. He caught me staring at him, he smiled and told me if I kept looking at him like that he'd take me in the tent and we'd never eat. I sat next to him and put my hand on the back of his neck, feeling the warmth of his skin and feeling our love flow back and forth through our contact. Once he put our burgers on the fire, he sat back resting his head on my leg and looking up at me, I combed his hair with my fingers. He smiled telling me this was the life. I agreed with him, this was the life, what little life we had together as a couple. He was oblivious to what was to come. He had plans for our life, he wanted to become a doctor, I knew he was smart and his parents wanted him to succeed. Nothing in the world was going to stop him from reaching his goal, nothing. The sky is clear. A mixture of dew on the grass and bright moonlight gives this place an almost mystic setting. The fire takes the coolness from the air and I am content to sit here outside the tent and write in this journal, and inside peaceful and safe is Eric.

October 29, 2000 - What a weekend. We got home around 5pm and spent the next two hours cleaning our equipment and storing it away. We had the most fun I've had in a long time. Being together and being taken care of by Eric was the world for me. He had such a good time. We had a bottle of wine, yes, we sneaked it from the house, and actually I left dad a note that's what we had done. We waited until it was dark then we sat together and drank about five sips before we were both feeling lightheaded and decided that was enough. We put the cork back in the bottle and brought it home. Dad said he'd use what was left for salad dressing or spaghetti sauce.

October 31, 2000 - I'm sitting on the bed my foot is broken. Last night was Halloween. Eric and I took his cousins age 8 and 10 trick-or-treating. We were following behind the kids when out of nowhere my legs gave out. I told Eric I tripped, the pain in my foot was nothing compared to the fear in my mind. This couldn't be happening this fast it couldn't be. Eric called dad, he rushed over and carted me to the hospital. I made Eric stay and finish trick-or-treating with the kids. He showed up at the hospital an hour later. He told me they went to a couple more houses then he drove them by the store bought several bags of candy, split them between the two and returned them to their parents. I had to give him a big hug. The x-rays weren't back when Eric arrived although dad was certain the foot was broken. Once dad was sure I was okay he set about what he was going to do about the dangerous and broken sidewalks. I didn't think the sidewalk was broken, I'd never even seen one that was cracked. I think dad's ranting was a defense mechanism for not having to deal with the possibility that I was getting sick very quickly. Dad and Eric went to get coffee and me a coke. The nurse came in and I complained of pain, she returned with a couple of pills. I acted like I took them, when she was gone I put them in my pocket, two Demerol tabs, very good for my collection. Dad and Eric came back in I pretended to be somewhat tired as a result of pain medication. Dad went to find the Radiologist while Eric sat beside me he looked in my face with the calmest expression. Nate, you didn't take the pills there in your pocket. I also know that you didn't fall in a crack it's your body, the disease. I've known for a while what you are up to. Nathan, I love you with all my heart, I know I can't save you, but there are two things I can do. One is that I can help to keep you from suffering when we get to that point and the other is that I can ensure we'll always be together. I tried to interrupt him but he wouldn't listen he went on talking. Nathan when we met my world finally came alive, in this one year I've been happier than I ever thought possible. I love a wonderful person and I'm loved in return. My parent's are great, my brother is supportive, I'm happy with my life. If I could have my way you and I would live to be very old men, camping out now and then listening to our bones creak in the silence of the forest, we know we're not going to get that far in this life. Nathan, we were meant to be together, whether it is here on earth or later in heaven we are meant to be together, I'm not afraid of the future and neither should you, I'm beside you every step of the way, this is our life we're talking about, not yours and not mine, ours. I couldn't speak, if I had to answer a question or make a comment at that moment I felt like I'd start crying and never be able to stop. Eric must have felt it, he leaned his head against my chest and we lay in silence until the nurse came in to move me to the casting room (physical therapy).

November 1, 2000 - The track coach stared at me as I walked in with a cast. He told me that would be the end of track for this school year, I agreed. The team wouldn't let me just bow out they wanted me to continue on the team as the coaches-aide, they are a great bunch of guys. The coach handed me his clipboard and told me to keep their butts moving on the track. I really had a good time keeping notes and moving around, I got my exercise anyway.

November 3, 2000 - Eric counted and cataloged my pill collection then took it all to his house and put it away in his room. He said when the time was ready he'd be prepared to help me. Like he said that's another year or two away, I didn't ruin his dreams, I knew it was much closer, but having him with me made even that not matter. My foot hasn't slowed us down, well, Eric won't let me drive, he says I scare him to death because now I've really have got a heavy foot on the gas. Eric and I have been going to the movies almost every chance we get.

November 5, 2000 - Eric's parents want us to come to their house for Thanksgiving; my grandparent's want us to come to their house for Thanksgiving. Alethea and Dad want us to go with them for thanksgiving. Eric and I talked with everyone and reached an agreement, we're all going to my Grandparent's house including Eric's parents.

November 8, 2000 - I've had a real bad headache all day. I left school this afternoon came home and took a couple of Tylenol, when dad got home he had me take a couple aspirin. My head is going to explode anytime now. I don't see the point anymore I mean I'm not going to survive even if I keep my grades up. All the time I've had this illness all I ever called it was a disease of the nervous system, yada yada, yada. They never told me what it was called because they knew I would know it's a death sentence, Lou Gerhrig's Disease. It doesn't change how I feel or that I want to continue to live, the fact is I'm going to die sooner than later I'm not going to linger on at all. I'm not sure if Eric should know I'd wait and see.

November 10, 2000 - Selfish son of a bitch I am. I told Eric I have Lou Gerhigs Disease he stared at me never saying a word. I had to give him credit he held himself together for me. Now there aren't any lies between us.

November 13, 2000 - Track is great, I don't run but I certainly make sure others run. Actually, I'd give anything to have this cast off my foot and be out there with the team. They've all been really cool about the whole situation with my foot. November 14, 2000 - It is cold, what's going on here it's supposed to be warm here year round. Hmmm! I may have to move to the tropics. I want to be cremated and put in one of those little cubbyholes at the cemetery, nothing dreary. I want them to play 'Green Day's - Time of Your Life.' I'm going to wear my tan pants, blue shirt, red-striped tie and my watch, the cheap Timex, not my good one that's for Eric. I've always worn a watch and even dead I might feel naked without it. I want my dad to make sure that they cremate me and don't just put me somewhere until they get around to it. After I'm all gone I want Eric and Dad together to put me in the Cubbyhole, say goodbye and never come back again, it isn't necessary cause I'm going to watch over them and help anyway I can. I want to make sure they buy lottery tickets you never know when I might get a chance to help. It easy to write these things but I'm beginning to realize how much I'm going to miss Dad and Eric, my grandparent's, friends and it makes me angry sometimes but I try to keep that to myself. No one needs any more problems then the ones we've already got.

November 17, 2000 - Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm suspended for two days and may get charged for assault. In the hallway at school one of the guys from the football team, slammed Eric up against a locker, my immediate reaction was to punch him in the face, I did, just a little too hard, I knocked out his front tooth. The school resource officer called the three of us in his office and asked what happened the guy admitted he was wrong, but the law is the law. Dad was pissed, yelled at me several times, Eric yelled at me too. Dad called one of his patients an Attorney and asked him to look into everything. I'm on everyone's shit list, even my own. I'm never that stupid and I've never hurt anyone on purpose. I really didn't mean to break his tooth, I told him that and he accepted my apology, then he apologized to Eric. He didn't want to press charges.

November 18, 2000 - It's really cold inside the house as well as outside. I know it's my fault for getting stupid at school. Everyone around here is mad at each other and me. I know it's a combination of things not just the fight. I'm going to fix this in the morning. I'm tired tonight.

November 19, 2000 - Church was great. Eric sat next to me but wouldn't look at me, Alethea sat on my other side next to dad I think she was afraid I might give her the plague while dad looked at me like he was an undertaker that wanted to kill me. Somehow I found it humorous and began to giggle. Eric poked me several times and that only made things worse. He kept watching me and soon he was trying hard not to laugh then Alethea laughed out loud and then dad. Everyone turned around and looked at us. The minister stopped his sermon, walked down and over to the pew and he began to laugh. When we'd all settled down, the minister returned to his pulpit and said to the congregation, "it's nice to see people happy and having a good time in the house of the Lord." Dad bought us lunch, we all talked about Church, I told Dad and Alethea why I hit the guy and even Eric understood, I was forgiven quickly and we were back to normal. I remember sitting there picturing them laughing and eating dinner, but I wasn't with them. Eric had someone else with him, someone that loved him, I could tell by way he looked at Eric. Then I'd watch Eric look up at the sky and I'd hear him pray that I was listening. No matter how hard I yelled to him that I was listening didn't hear me, but I heard him. The weather started to cool after we'd eaten and I felt a little tired. Alethea asked Eric to go shopping with her and then to the movies. Dad drove me home. When we got to the house, he helped me hobble up the front entrance. I followed dad into the family room. Dad sat on the sofa and asked me to sit next to him. The minute I sat down he put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. He began to cry, he cried like I'd never seen him cry. I was scared to death, I held him tight and soon I was crying. We held each other for the longest time. I lay in the crook of dad's arm we were both sniffling. When he looked at me I knew he loved me more than he would ever love anyone again. He kissed my forehead and started to cry but I made him stop. I told him about what I wanted and he agreed. I asked him to give my college fund to Eric and always keep Eric a part of our family he promised he would do that also. We talked about the cemetery and soon we'd settled everything. He still held me, his hand on the back of my neck his thumb moving up and down. I looked at dad and I began to cry I was worried about who was going to take care of him when I was gone who would make sure everything was all right. He looked at me, and told me Eric was the luckiest guy in the world to have met me and he was the luckiest father in the world to have a son like me. I laid my head on his shoulder and cried, my tears staining his shirt. When I woke up it was almost dark in the house. I heard Alethea and Eric in the kitchen but dad held me in his arms, his hand smoothing the side of my face. I hugged him tight for a moment then I kissed his cheek and told him I loved him forever.

November 21, 2000 - Mother and I had lunch together, Dad asked me to do it for him. Mother was shaken with the knowledge that I was dying, but she was offended that I had the nerve to bring Eric along it was my one condition of the meeting. She talked to Eric curtly about the same way she spoke with me. After lunch, we parted, I knew we'd never see each other again, see knew it too.

November 26, 2000 - Thanksgiving was great. Eric's parents were awesome. Everyone really liked each other and got along just like family should. It made me really happy. As we were all leaving Eric's father hugged me and told me he loved me like he does Eric. Eric's mother kissed me on the cheek, then put her hand on my forehead and told me I felt hot and I should get some rest. My grandparent's aren't aware that I'm sick. I don't want them to know until they have to it would make them both sick at heart.

November 27, 2000 - the Resource Officer called me to the office and no charges will be filed, he warned me to never fight again. I assured him there weren't many fights I could win anymore. I'm really tired my depression is starting again.

November 28, 2000 - Doctor's appointment this morning, doctor changed my medicine and increased another. He gave me a bottle of sedatives to help me relax. I'd relax if I took them all at once. Not feeling any better.

December 1, 2000 - Woke up terrified. I couldn't get my breath, Oh God, don't let me die yet, please not yet. Over and over I kept repeating those words. My breathing relaxed and my fear went away all thanks to God. I'm afraid to go to sleep.

December 4, 2000 - Doctor's appointment today, told him about my bout with breathing. He examined me and told me it was only anxiety, showed me how to breathe into a paper bag to stop it. He examined my reflexes and muscle mass, he acknowledged that the disease was progressing faster than expected, I asked him how long I might have. He beat around the bush for almost 30 minutes before he answered my question, 6 - 20 months. I shook his hand and thanked him it was a few months longer than I had thought. In the car on the way home I was shaking but not from the disease, I guess it was anger. I drove wiping my eyes with my hands as I cried in anger. I'm not angry anymore.

December 6, 2000 - I've made a decision I'm not going to die. Why can't I be the first person to survive this disease? I started reading about the disease on the Internet and I'm going to try a couple of the cures people are offering. Once I beat this I'm going to go into Medical Research and help discover cures of diseases such as this. School was awesome.

December 8, 2000 - Got the cast off my foot. I shook my foot out once the cast was removed. Oh it feels so good. I tried jogging in the hallway but the doctor told me to let my footrest for a couple of days before putting stress on it. I can't wait to walk around the track. Eric got his hair cut like they do in the military, he looks so handsome, I raped him the minute I saw him. He told me if this is the response to a regular haircut that next time he would shave his head. I love that guy so much he's the best. Tomorrow he's taking me to get my hair cut.

December 9, 2000 - Up until an hour ago, I lay my head in Eric's lap while he stroked my hair he loves the way it feels. I can tell by how his body reacts he likes it. It's strange how simple things please the two of us. We're going to the beach tomorrow afternoon. Eric made me almost swear I wouldn't run off with someone else, like there would ever be that chance.

December 10, 2000 - Church sucks. Our minister the one I've known since I was a baby asked Eric and I to renounce our homosexuality and if we couldn't that we were not welcome here. Eric looked at the minister calmly and told him that the congregation paid for the church if they wanted us to leave we would. The minister walked back to the pulpit and told the congregation what I had said. It was dead silent for about a minute before someone stood up and said, this is God's house and everyone is welcome. A few people clapped. The minister with a red face began reading from the scriptures. We haven't heard the end of it I'm sure. Eric said we would go to the gay church downtown next Sunday he didn't want us to go where we were not wanted. We drove out to the beach and walked along the shore for a while then we jogged. A couple young Marines from the base stopped us thinking we were from there too. We talked for a while then they invited us to hang out with them on the beach. We grabbed our towels and followed them. There were about 10 guys older than either of us. They were lying around talking, a couple drank beer and the one common connection was everyone was gay. We put our towels out and as people put their heads up to see the new arrivals were. Ron and Chris introduced us. The four of us walked along the beach for another mile. Chris asked if we were a couple, Eric answered yes quickly I saw the disappointment in Chris' expression. It wouldn't have mattered anyway speaking for myself I'd rather be with Eric than any guy out here, hands down. We had a great time.

December 11, 2000 - Coach wouldn't let me run, not for another week he did give in and let me walk the track for a couple of miles before he put me back in charge of the team. It felt wonderful to get out there and just walk, thinking about nothing but running. I'm getting a lot stronger my new diet is the reason. I haven't seen the tremors in a while, I'll bet the diet has worked and the disease is being killed off as we speak. Next month I'll know for sure but I feel it working, I'm cured.

December 12, 2000 - Great day at school - walked almost four miles before the coach chewed my butt out and made me sit on the bleachers, today and tomorrow. December 13, 2000 - Eric has the flu. He didn't go to school today and I wish I hadn't. Dad checked on him and he's got the flu nothing else. He slept most of the day taking cold medication. I got him to drink some 7-up and eat a little chicken noodle soup. He wanted me to hold him until he went back to sleep, I did, gladly. Eric always smells so wonderful, like soap and coconut oil and Aramis cologne.

December 15, 2000 - Eric's well again. He feels as good as I do. I told him about my diet and how I've been feeling, he's excited as I am, we're both thinking that just maybe I've beat it, I'm pretty sure I have.

December 16, 2000 - Dad announced he was marrying Alethea. Eric and I congratulated them, we like Alethea very much. Dad is the happiest I've seen him in some time. I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but if I had never met Eric, I would have fallen in love with my father and never have been able to leave him. I don't mean I'd have fallen in love with him in a sexual way but rather taking care of him. I love him so much I'm happy for my dad he's a great man and the greatest father in the world.

December 17, 2000 - This morning was a surprise when we were ready for church; we rode with Dad and Alethea. Dad didn't drive to our regular church he drove downtown to the gay church. When we walked in Eric's parents were there as well as a lot of people from our regular church. The service was just like at our church except everyone was glad to be there and everyone was made to feel very welcome. Eric and I saw our two friends from the beach.

December 18, 2000 - Ran track it felt so awesome, my legs didn't hurt and my foot felt great. The coach only let me go for 3.5 miles but it was great. I wasn't even winded. The diet I'm on is working, the poison is leaving my body and I'm riding myself of that damn disease. Took Eric to the movies and then romanced him just a little, it's amazing how wonderful he is and how happy I am.

December 19, 2000 - Eric's mom fell and broke her leg. Eric is going home for a couple of weeks to help out, I'm really proud of him. We'll see each other every other day or so.

December 20, 2000 - Talked to Eric for two hours. Went Christmas shopping, bought a CD player for Eric's car and a DVD player for dad. They're both electronic freaks.

December 21, 2000 - School let out early for Christmas break. Went over to Eric's house, Christopher answered the door he was one of the Marine's we'd met at the beach. The minute I saw him I thought I would be sick. I made an excuse like I'd forgotten something in my car. I got in the front seat and had to fight to calm my nerves so I could drive way. Eric has called several times I told him I wasn't feeling well.

December 22, 2000 - Drove down to the beach and walked along the beach. It was windy and a bit cool. I put on a sweatshirt it felt wonderful outside. I found myself in tears thinking about how screwed up things could get. Eric's been calling the entire day he's pissed that I won't talk to him.

December 23, 2000 - Eric called, he is pissed he got so mad at me he began to cry. I finally told him I'd stopped by and Christopher was there. So was his reply, can't I have friends over without having to sleep with them? He told me he loved me but that I acted like a spoiled little ass at times. I hung up on him.

December 24, 2000 - Eric's asleep, I look at him and everything in the world makes perfect sense. He came by early this morning and took me to Church then we drove over to his house. He gave me my Christmas gift ahead of time I opened the box and held it in my hands. Inside the box was an envelope, in the envelope was an order signed by a judge changing Eric's last name to mine, I began to cry as soon as I read it. He'd done this for me with Christopher's help, there wasn't anything more in the world he could do for me. I put my arms around him kissing him deeply, he looked at me, I love you more than you'll ever know and now you'll never get rid of me. We went back to the house and continued living as we had for the last year, very much in love with each other.

December 25, 2000 - What a wonderful Christmas, spent the afternoon putting Eric's new CD in his car, he was so funny I had to laugh at times but we got it done and the smile on his face was worth everything. Dad gave Alethea an engagement ring, Eric and I knew he was going to he showed it to us when he bought it. We made the rounds to every ones house exchanging gifts and wishes. We had dinner at my Grandparent's house it was wonderful. Got home late, I'm tired.

December 26, 2000 - Eric dragged me all over town with his music blasting, which I really do like. But he made me go shopping with him. He wants me to get a pair of blue jeans he likes them on me, sounds interesting. We must have gone to a hundred stores all of them packed with people returning gifts they really didn't like. By the time we pulled in the driveway, we'd spent a small fortune on bargains.

December 27, 2000 - My hand started shaking again. I watched it for a few minutes then it stopped. I think it's because I'm tired, nothing else. I've beaten the disease, I'm sure of it.

December 28, 2000 - I've been exhausted all day.

December 29, 2000 - What a great day. Eric is going to make me deaf with his music, not really I love Techno. Eric did something unusual, we went dancing at a club in town, it was the so fantastic. We danced to every song, within two hours my shirt was soaked and Eric told me to take it off. I danced shirtless; Eric told me guys were staring at my body. A couple of guys danced next to us and talked to both of us while we danced, I wasn't interested in anyone but the person in front of me, Eric. We got home after 2am. Eric crashed out soon as we got home, me! I'm too hyped still to sleep. I laid my head on Eric's stomach while he was asleep; the warmth of his body makes me feel so secure.

December 30, 2000 - Dad is taking the four of us to Times Square for New Years. Dad hasn't said anything, neither has Alethea but they think this is probably going to be my last year I can't wait to prove to them they're wrong and that I've beat the disease.

January 2, 2001 - New York, that's where we're living when we graduate from college. Eric and I had a great time and from the looks of it so did Alethea and Dad.

January 3, 2001 - School went well, I was a little tired and almost stumbled running on the track, told the coach about my trip to New York, he told me to rest up for a day or two then to get my butt back out here. Listening to everyone talk it must have been a great holiday all around.

January 5, 2001 - During track I got a terrible headache. I ignored it for an hour then got some aspirin from the School Nurse. It didn't help. Eric stayed at school with the paper by the time I got home I could barely see. The pain was so bad I started to cry begging for it to stop. Took a couple of my stashed pills and after about 20 minutes I feel asleep, when I woke up the pain was gone. My hand is shaking once again. I know its stress from all the activity this last week, just like the headache.

January 6, 2001 - The fucking headache is back this time it's worse. I got out of the house this morning as fast as possible. I called my doctor he said he'd see me immediately I drove over to Park Lake Hospital. He gave me an injection that worked almost immediately, then he sent me for a CT scan, he swore he wouldn't call my Dad. After he read the results he wanted me to have someone with me before we talked but I refused, he said the disease is progressing quickly. The headaches are stress induced partly the other part being the disease, he told me to hold my hands out in front of me in front of a mirror. I watched as they both jumped around, it wouldn't be much longer before the tremors were visible. I could tell by the way the doctor looked at me that he was waiting for me to break down all I could think was hell would freeze over first. He gave me several prescriptions, he also told me he would have to notify my Dad, incase the pain got so great I needed assistance. We argued over that for about fifteen minutes, I won a temporary stay of two days before he spoke to him. I sat in the car and read through the prescriptions, I'd look them up on the Internet when I got home.

January 7, 2001 - After church I splurged taking everyone out to lunch. After we returned home I asked everyone to sit in the living room and I told them the news. Eric cried, Alethea cried and Dad and I stared at each other. I comforted Eric and Dad comforted Alethea. Later Dad and I sat in his study together, he held me in his arms and we talked, I made him swear to me, not to let me suffer, and no matter what he couldn't let me suffocate, I begged him. He didn't cry neither of us did, I think we knew the tears were behind us. He held me until I felt safe.

January 9, 2001 - What a mix of prescriptions the doctor ordered. Pain medication, sedatives, pills to relax my muscles, you name it I had it. I hate to admit this but the medication helps. No headache and I fell better, not high just better. Eric and I got in a fight, he's upset about my illness and I yelled at him telling him not to shut the lid on my coffin yet. He got really upset and I began screaming at him, Dad had to step in and calm me down. What an ass-hole I was to Eric. He's asleep while I'm writing. This is so unfair to him he didn't do a fucking thing to deserve this but to love me.

January 10, 2001 - Saw the shrink today. He explained to me that my feelings are normal. He said I was going through the normal stages of someone with a terminal illness. Wow! Don't I feel fucking better to hear some son-of-a-bitch tell me it's normal for me to be pissed because I'm going to bite the big one, Oh yeah, that's a comfort. When I asked him how I was supposed to help Eric live with my death he couldn't answer the question the motherfucker said I don't deal with many homosexuals. The way he said it made my skin crawl. I walked out. Told dad if he was going to spring for these things at least make it someone that understands my lifestyle.

January 12, 2001 - Yes, once again I went to the shrink, Dr. Cooper Holden right out of Men's Health Magazine. Deals almost exclusively with dying queers like me. Coop; what he likes to be called is all right. He told me what to expect and listened to me. When I talked about Eric, he suggested I bring Eric along to my next session. He's cool.

January 13, 2001 - Eric and I went dancing again, then we went to breakfast with a group of people, we had a great time. We didn't get in until almost 4am. Eric and I lay in each other's arms talking about our future I could hear it in his voice the sound of loss. I talked with him telling him what the doctor said, he's going with me to see the doctor.

January 15, 2001 - Eric and I met with Dr. Holden. He explained in detail what to expect. Eric broke down a couple of times, I held onto him, he stayed and listened to the end. We both shook the doctor's hand I'd see him again in two days.

January 17, 2001 - Oh! I'm doing great. Got in trouble at school, some shit head ran into me and I slammed him up against the lockers. I didn't hurt him but I wanted to. He reported me to the dean, two days suspension, I have to give it to the dean he hated having to suspend me. Dad and I had a long talk, he told me to apologize to the kid and make amends. I promised him I would.

January 22, 2001 - Haven't felt like writing. I looked the kid up and told him I was sorry for being a jerk he was cool about it.

January 27, 2001 - Really tired these past few days.

February 2, 2001 - My legs gave out from under me this morning when I went to get out of bed. It was only for a second but it scared me.

February 7, 2001 - I feel like a drug addict, I'm always taking something lately. I'm always tired and I hate not feeling like my old self.

February 9, 2001 - Eric and I went out dancing again. The activity makes me feel so alive and not the shaking in my hands or anything else matters as long as Eric's standing in front of me and the music's pounding in my ears.

February 10, 2001 - Spoke with the Minister after church, gave him an update on my condition. He was very supportive, telling me about the many couples that had lost partners to AIDS and had dealt with suddenly being single again. He made me realize how important it would be for Eric to be a part of the process. I felt like my anger was draining away, there wasn't anything to be angry about.

February 11, 2001 - Went walking on the beach with Eric. We had to wear sweatshirts it was still cool. We talked about his feelings, he was afraid to be without me. I told him life was still wonderful and he had so many things yet to do, he smiled at me but didn't say anything else. Eric is going to every appointment I have, he's also taken over my medications, he wants to be involved completely and because I love him as much as I do, it's really all right, I know this will only make him stronger as we get near the end of my life.

February 14, 2001 - Jesus! Why now. Eric's grandmother his mother's mom died this morning. We got a call about 1:30am. Dad woke us, Eric was really strong, he dressed then I drove him in his car to the house, Dad followed me. We comforted his parent's the best we could. Dad made travel arrangements and Eric and his mother packed bags. Eric looked at me strange before they left for the airport, I could see the question in his eyes. I pulled him into his bedroom for a minute. I held him tightly in my arms and reminded him of my love for him, nothing would ever separate our love, I kissed his face over and over until he smiled it was then I knew the meaning of life. Eric was my life if he was happy and strong I'd never die because we loved each other, no matter what else happened we loved each other. When we returned home Dad and I lay together in his bed, he held onto me until I slept, then he got up and went to work. I missed school.

February 15, 2001 - I've been sick all day, throwing up and diarrhea, I didn't say anything to Dad he would worry. I know now that I didn't beat the disease, I also know that my anger isn't going to solve anything. My body is dying, I'm seventeen, I'm in love and I'm dying.

February 17, 2001 - I feel so much better I ate a little. Eric called, his grandmother's funeral was this afternoon he sounded so strong it scared me. For a minute I had to fight my jealousy. Eric was strong and healthy, he'd find another love in time and I would be dead and loving him. Didn't say a word about being sick, he's got enough to worry about I could hear the stress in his voice.

February 19, 2001 - This has been one of the hardest days of my life. I dropped out of track today, told the coach and the guys my foot hadn't healed properly and the doctor wanted me to let it heal over the next six to seven months. I hated lying to them but I don't need or want their pity. I walked around the track after school and could feel the loss of balance in my body.

February 20, 2001 - Just what I needed to cheer me up, Eric is home. I almost smothered him I missed him so much. I don't know why I feel like we've loved each other all of our lives, but I do. Eric is growing up right in front of my eyes. I want to make him happy for as long as I'm able then I just want to go away without him having to watch me suffer, please God, let me go quickly.

February 23, 2001 - Eric found out today I wasn't on the track team any longer. He was mad that I had lied to the team, he told me they wouldn't have pitied me but been supportive. I didn't argue, I apologized for making the wrong decision. I think I should have told the truth then Eric would have more of a support network, I'm going to tell Chad Monday at school.

February 26, 2001 - I told Chad about my illness, he wanted to cry but didn't I know he saw how red my face got when he got upset. He told me he'd watch out for Eric and make sure no one ever hurt him. I felt better just hearing someone tell me Eric would be watched over when I was gone. Stopped and bought Eric a huge Valentine Card and a big heart shaped box of candy, it was almost free anyway since it was two weeks since Valentines. Eric laughed then cried, he cried harder then I'd ever seen him cry I got scared, I held him but he couldn't stop, I yelled for dad who held him then gave him a shot, he was stressed out, after all he's only seventeen and this is a lot to take in, first his grandmother and soon me.

February 28, 2001 - Goodbye February, the last one I shall see in my lifetime.

March 3, 2001 - I feel great, I'm not sure if it is the sudden change in weather, it's warm or maybe my body is fighting harder whatever it is I'm going to enjoy it while it last. Eric and I drove down to the beach. Eric drove my hands are starting to shake pretty badly at times. I keep my hands in my pockets so I don't feel self-conscious and no one notices. I hope I'll be able to stay this healthy through graduation the first week in May.

March 4, 2001 - Eric and I are really happy with Church. We had a counseling session with the minister and he advised Eric and I to make my final arrangements now, not to put it off any longer. Neither of us had even seriously thought about it until that moment. We went to the beach and walked in silence for an hour before heading home.

March 7, 2001 - Eric, Dad and I went to the Funeral Home today. We completed all the arrangements then we went home. No one cried, no one sighed, no one even looked at each other. We were three strong men.

March 9, 2001 - Woke up with trouble breathing. Been sitting here for almost two hours, trying to relax so I can breathe easier, I'm scared to death and if anyone shows me any sympathy right now I'll cry. I'm giving myself an injection that the doctor told me to try if this happened it's been about three minutes and I'm feeling a little better, I guess now I should face the facts.

March 10, 2001 - Eric and I sat down on the beach and talked. I told him about being sick and last night. We talked and he knows that it isn't going to be many more months, he didn't cry, he held onto my hand a little tighter.

March 12, 2001 - can barely write anything too tired.

March 14, 2001 - Dad wants me to go to the hospital but I'm afraid, Eric is really being strong. I don't think he realizes how much he's helping me learn to die without fear.

March 15, 2001 - The Nurse is typing this for me. The doctor's are trying to keep me going for a while longer. If I have to stay in the hospital, I don't want to continue. Every time I look in Dad's eyes I see such pain, I know it will take a long time for him to recover from this, I'm glad he has Alethea. Mom came by we talked for a minute nothing much then I told her I was tired, as she left I told her goodbye, I don't have any anger or hate for her ignorance, not anymore. Eric's parents came by they are so cool. We talked about Eric and how this was going to affect him, his parents didn't try to avoid the conversation they were really concerned and I felt assured he'd have there support to get over whatever might happen. I'm tired.

March 16, 2001 - Another nurse, wow, I'm just lucking out on free typist actually I really appreciate how wonderful everyone has been. They all know dad and this can't be any easier on them. I'm feeling better; I think it may be the medication because I really do feel better. The specialist said he'd let me go home on Monday if I were strong enough to go on my own two feet. My fingers are crossed.

March 17, 2001 - I'm typing this, it's about 3am if the Nurse comes in I'm going to catch hell. I've had these thoughts in my head all day and wanted to get them down. I love my dad I love him very much. I've been blessed by having such a wonderful father, he took what time I had and made it a lifetime. Dad when you read this I want you to know that I love you and there isn't anything you could have done to save me, you loved me and that saved me far longer than any medication I could have ever received. Believe me you holding me in your arms gave me the strength to live and the courage to die. I love you Dad.

Eric, what do you say to someone you've known all your life but only spent the last year and a half together? I think you say fate found us and gave us the chance to have happiness. Every time I look at you I want to wrap my arms around you and protect you from this world, but I can't. Not anymore then I could protect myself from this disease. If either of us were caged we'd wither and die, we need our freedom to flourish. Eric, I love you with all my heart and soul and body, you've made me the happiest person in the world and you helped me to know that I could die and our love would continue. I leave you behind in pain and alone, but I leave you with my love until the end of time. No matter what you do with your life or the people you meet or where you go, I will love you and do my best to make you feel it too. I don't want you to be alone. Everything I ever wanted in my life I found in your love, your caress and your kiss. Thank you for my life and thank you for making me strong enough to let go when the time comes. I intend to touch you and love you every moment until I have no more life in me, you are the meaning of life to me, you are love and you are mine and I am yours. I love you Eric. I'm changing the subject before I make myself cry thinking about you. Goodnight and Thank you God for loving me.

March 18, 2001 - Eric's asleep in my hospital bed. He came in red eyed and told me point blank he wasn't leaving me alone again, not unless I was home. We fought back and forth until he promised not to miss school, he agreed. He climbed up in bed, kicked his shoes off and I pulled him under the covers. He nestled his head against my chest, I buried my face in his hair and breathed in his scent, soon he slept. I traced his face with my fingers exploring every part of him, being gentle not to wake him. Sitting here being able to type is another of God's gifts to me. I need Eric to make love to me soon.

March 19, 2001 - I was released this morning. The specialist gave me a glowing report considering. He told me the episodes would increase and my muscle tone would steadily decline from this point on. I shook his hand and thanked him. As soon as I got in the house I found my stash and prepared everything I knew it would be weeks but I wanted it ready, it made me feel better. I'm fixing dinner for Eric and then I'm going to surprise him with a massage to get him in the mood to love me in a special way. This is weird, I'm up, it's almost 4:30 in the morning and I'm not tired. Eric made love to me, for some reason it was important, maybe it was the point of knowing he still wanted me. I'm not really sure why, but feeling him next to me was the greatest. Eric is still the gentlest person I've ever met. Watching him, running my fingers through his hair, as he loves me, feeling his head on my abdomen, warm and safe, gives me the world.

March 20, 2001 - Eric and I walked on the beach for almost two hours after school. He and I were able to horse around and chase each other I felt, feel great. My friends at school have been awesome, no questions, no tears or strange looks, my friends are giving me their support. Chad told me today when we were talking that he was proud to be my friend and that he loved me. The bastard got tears in my eyes, we started laughing over something stupid and the tears were quickly forgotten. I really hope that Chad has the wonderful life he deserves, and I hope he has tons of children he loves kids.

March 21, 2001 - Eric and I got our class pictures and our graduation pictures today. Eric has been told he's subject to being jumped on by me when we get home for looking so good. He's dared me to take advantage of him. One more day one more wonderful day of life and love still is in my body.

March 23, 2001 - What a Friday, I can't believe Eric and I graduate on May 4th. Eric got a scholarship, not that he needed it but it is a great honor. He was so funny when he read the letter he had me laughing just watching him. I was accepted at the same college as Eric. He cried when he read the letter. I cried watching him, this isn't fair to him, he deserved better, much better.

March 24, 2001 - My legs felt like rubber every time I tried to stand, my equilibrium was off also. Didn't say a word to Eric or Dad, told them I'm just tired, what's the point of worrying everyone? I'm sure once I've got to pee I'll have to give up but not yet. Eric and dad went grocery shopping. Yes! I managed to get to the bathroom and back, took a couple sedatives and went back to sleep.

March 26, 2001 - I'm really sick, can't keep anything down and for the first time in 17 years I've wet the bed, what a fucking loser I've become. I'm too tired.

March 27, 2001 - Feeling a little better still tired. Dad and Eric got me cleaned up and put me outside on the deck, the fresh air really made me fell better. Dad and Eric want a nurse to come in, I've asked them to wait just a little while longer.

March 28, 2001 - Was able to stand on my own for a while. Checked on everything I'll need to move forward. I'm not sure if I'll be able to wait another two weeks or not, my strength will depend on that.

March 29, 2001 - looked in the mirror, I'm beginning to look like a holocaust survivor. Eric noticed and it's killing him. He has finals next week, no matter how I feel I'm going to be upbeat so he can do well, he has to I'm counting on him.

March 30, 2001 - Too tired.

April 1, 2001 - I'm going to die soon, I know it and I'm ready. I'm losing control of my body quickly, very quickly. The minister from the MCC stopped by and did his best to make me laugh. He said everyone was praying for me. We talked about dying with dignity, when I asked about suicide, he said it wasn't what God had in mind for any of his creations but that he understood we are just human and loves us anyway, no matter what we say or do as long as we ask for his forgiveness with a sincere heart.

April 2, 2001 - Today was one of the hardest days I've had in years. I woke up early, got dressed in just under an hour then woke Eric. I was upbeat and the whole time I felt like I might pass out. I got a hold of some amphetamines they've really helped me think clearer and give me a slight boost in energy. Eric was all smiles, he's happy again, I watched him doing some last minute studying before heading off to school. I gave him a giant hug as he went out the door. I collapsed in front of the television, I heard Dad and immediately put a smile on my face, he asked me if I was feeling better. He smiled and then he hugged me hard, it's really hard not to cry when your dad holds you sometimes, you feel so safe for just a moment and everything seems so much at peace.

April 3, 2001 - Another repeat performance, I've not eaten anything in three days, I'm not hungry but I know my body can't keep up if I don't put something in my stomach and keep it down. The specialist recommended an energy drink and plenty of water. I was able to keep a full can of the drink down and two glasses of water it has given me some energy.

April 6, 2001 - Got dressed the last couple of days even had an energy drink, I can barely hold a glass anymore and my hands won't work at times. I'm tired.

April 11, 2001 - Eric got his final grades, I'm so proud of him, very proud. Chad and the guys stopped by to see me, I'm glad I wasn't in bed. We sat out on the deck and talked for almost an hour, I was glad they came I know how hard it is for them.

April 15, 2001 - My body is beginning to die I feel it. I can no longer type and have to record this on my hard drive by microphone. God knows I love him and I've cried, begged and done everything else to seek his forgiveness for what I'm going to do. April 27, 2001 is the day Dad and Eric will be gone. I'm going to wake up in the morning with them, say goodbye like I usually do and once they've left the house I'll begin, I'm not afraid, I accept my fate, God have mercy on my soul.

April 17, 2001 - The nurse came for the first time today she's typing this for me to save hard drive space. I don't have a will. I'm still in my right mind and thinking clearly. I give all my worldly belonging to Eric, except for my trophies those I give to my father. I've got to write them both a letter soon.

April 19, 2001 - I've been sick for the last couple of days, but at least my hands are working. I wrote letters to Dad and Eric.

Dad:

You've been the greatest father, friend and one of two persons I love with all my heart. Nothing you could have done would have saved me, nothing. My life is actually just beginning. Your life with Alethea is beginning. We're both moving on to something new and wonderful, the unknown. Wherever I go, I love you with all my heart and I trust you to be happy and live your life with the same zest that made me so proud of you. Love your Son, Nathan.

Eric:

I'm so sorry that you are sad, that wasn't a part of my plan when I met you. I can still see you in those sexy gold-rimmed glasses you were wearing when Chad introduced us. Eric I love you, I loved you then and I'll love you until we meet again. I ask only two things of you, first, do those things that make you happy and second, never allow anyone to take you for granted. Thank you for giving me your love and helping me to experience a lifetime in a short space of months. I will always watch over you, I love you with all my heart you've always been my heart. Love you eternally, Nathan.

I never realized how difficult it would be to say goodbye. I cried my last tears I'm now a man with a mission that has to be completed.

April 21, 2001 - This is the first time I've had to have oxygen, it really does help, but I'm so tired.

April 24, 2001 - slept the last couple of days, woke up to an IV in my arm. Eric made love to me then held me in his arms, he's so afraid. I've told him he doesn't need to be here, he should go home, he told me this is his home and I belonged to him.

April 27, 2001 - Removed the oxygen this morning, I'll write for as long as I can today. Sat up in bed with a smile. Eric was surprised and happy. He hugged me and I kissed him over and over telling him how much I love him. He ate his breakfast in the bedroom so we could be together before he left I looked at him and told him I loved him forever. He stared at me like he knew what my intentions were then he kissed me and left. Dad came in about an hour later, I told him I loved him and I was feeling great today, not tired at all. He hugged me then went off to work. The Nurse came in two minutes behind him. I told her I was feeling good and I wanted sometime to write letters and such. She said to call her if I wanted anything. As soon as she closed the door I got my stash from the area next to my bed. I poured it in my cup and spilling half of my water I added the remaining water to the cup and with straw in mouth stirred it. This took about ninety minutes. The nurse checked on me and I yelled I was all right. I prayed very hard to God asking to be forgiven then I sucked the nasty tasting liquid through the straw until nothing remained. I don't feel anything yet, my stomach isn't upset, it's been about 10 minutes and I'm getting really tired, I love dad and Eric.

• Epilogue -

On April 27, 2001, seventeen-year-old Nathan's life came to an end. The young nurse checked on him twenty minutes after he had taken the medication and he was sleeping comfortably, when she checked on him twenty minutes later he had died. His father was the first to arrive, he held his son in his arms saying goodbye. Eric arrived home after school. Police cars were still parked outside the house. As he went inside, Nathan's father pulled him in his arms and told him Nathan had died. Eric sat beside Nathan's bed and held his hand, he bent forward and kissed Nathan's lips, he kept repeating, "it wasn't time, not yet." He was given a sedative and went to sleep on the sofa while the investigation was wrapped up and Nathan's body removed from the house.

The years since Nathan passed haven't eased Eric's sadness. He graduated from Medical School and practices in New York. He's lived alone since Nathan died 11 years ago. He told Chad, his and Nathan's friend from high school that Nathan never died and that he lives on in Eric's heart. Eric read the journal for the first time when I put it down on these pages, I watched him cry, my eyes were drawn to the ring he wore on his finger, the ring Nathan had given him. He lifted his head and smiled, he said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said being able to love Nathan for what seemed like a single moment in time made him realize love never dies.