When I was younger things were simple. When I graduated from high school I knew nothing about the future that I had to face. Four years later nothing had changed. I was 5'7" hazel eyes dark brown hair and skinny. My biggest insecurity was about my body. I had gone through puberty and into young adulthood and nothing had changed much. When I look back I was never really bothered about much of anything. Both my parents had full time jobs. My parents were not wealthy, nor were they strapped for cash ever, that I knew off.
So I did not have a job, could not drive a car, mainly because I never had a reason to try and learn. My father did not push nor did I care much for cars. In my opinion it was kinda boring and really intimidating at the same time. I also had no plans for the future and no one ever brought it up. This might leave you to think that my parents were unatentive but to be honest my dad was an okey guy and my mom showed all the motherly care when I was ill or needed some emotional comforting while my dad took the time to help me with homework and projects whenever I looked like I needed help.
But in all the years they never expected me to do well in school nor did they push for me to fulfill some sort of unfulfilled dreams of theirs. So this left me with very little aspiration to become anything special or to follow in someones footsteps. Like a rolemodel. Not to mention going to university. Ok. That's about it. I'm really not much to look at at this point and I'm going nowhere. So what do I do. I like to read, watch television and play pc games. Listen to music and take long naps while dreaming about making it with a beatiful hot guy. yes I'm gay. And have known this since I was about 5 years old. Well actually I knew I was different as early as that. I've always had an empathy about people and their emotions.
I've always made friends quite easily and people have always found it easy to tell me stuff, or to just talk to me without any hangups. I've always considered becoming a shrink but could not see myself doing the training or getting into that whole job scene, also I think you have to have a fundemental flaw or need to answer certain questions about yourself to want to become a psycologist dealing with other peoples problems. I've never thought about doing anything much. I liked things the way they were and even though I was insecure I never felt restricted by this or let it get in the way since I judged people by their personality rather than what they look like. I went through high school pretty much knowing every body and everybody knew me. I disliked very few people and found that everyone, from the smart overachieving, jocktypes to the smart overachieving odd/geeky characters liked me. I was the one everyone smiled at and spoke to.
If I'm coming off as selfabsorbed writing this much about myself then I suppose it must be so. I have never liked labling people but how else do we go about finding our place in society? Ironically, after high school I went through a period of seclusion. Four years and I hadn't seen a single friend from school. I hadn't made any new friends and I still lived with my parenst while also having no life I also had no Idea if the next 10 years would be spent like this. Sleep all day, stay up all night. Lucky or not? I had everything else but I wasn't very happy. You could say that I needed a change and I did not know where to start.
One day I met this guy. He was over at our house taking a look at the hot water tank. The water had gone cold whilst I was taking a shower. I had a hunch and got out to check the trip switch, when I got there this guy was standing there looking at the panel. I was totally freaked, not because a stranger was standing there but because I was wrapped in a towel only and I had thought that I was home alone. One of the rare days I had decide on getting up and doing something during the day. In fact I'd been building up to it for a while now getting to bed earlier each night.
now there I was half naked and a guy who from the looks of him was built with dark hair, and even though he was turned away from me I could tell that he might be okey if his front was as good as his backside. As I was about to turn and scamper away out of sight in order to avoid embarassment my dad saw me and and drew attention to me. He exact word were: "What are you doing up sleepy head?" My dad had a very endearing way and he always made me feel like a little kid, but not in an anoying way. My dad and mom were one of the few couples that I knew who got along like doting loving friends rather than a married couple that had been married for over 23 years. I responded "just thought I'd get in a bit of sun today" while trying to make my way back the way I'd come and away from prying eyes and yelling the last bit "I didn't know you were going to be here" as I dissapeared round the corner.
As I got back to my room my heart was beating like crazy, what I'd tried to avoid had been the stranger seeing me in the towel wrapped around my waist. And I almost wished he turned out to be a real dog. But as I made my way out the door he turned round and looked at me and I knew he saw enough to make me feel thuroughly exposed. Not even my parents ever see me fully unclothed in that way. I'm basically short and gangly looking compared to my dad who has always been a tall and strong looking man. And I've always been proud of how well he seems to have taken care of himself even thought he is 43 and a father since he was 19. He did not go to university nor did my mom who in fact graduated high school already carrying me. I've always been fiercely proud of them for being such great parents and yet I've not taken this to a point of inspiration. Somehow I've missed the whole rush to succeed that others have, or the need to leave home for that matter.
My dad came by a little later and stuck his head in the door and asked me if I'd like some breakfast. He seemed to be so clueless as to my insecurity. Neither one of my parents ever seemed to be aware of my insecutities. But then fully clothed I was never that uncomfotable around them as I felt now knowing my dad had seen me like this. Add to this the fact that a total hunk had just seen me in the same way and I'm almost tempted to go back to bed and wait until tomorrow before getting out of bed again.
But no. If anything I might be lost as to my future plans but I never back down from a challenge. And this is a kind of challenge. I look at my dad, smile and tell him I'd be along in a minute. As I say this he gives me a funny look and then he smiles and says "Good I'll start baking some bacon and eggs and you can come and make us some of your world famous coffee." I blushed a bit at that since my parents both always tell me that my coffee is the best. Ever since I was a child and the first thing I made was coffee they insited that it's the best they've ever tasted. I can't agree without admitting that I take pride in that thought and rather looked upon this as away to bridging a gap between me an my visiting friends, whenever they came over.
I actually hadn't made a cup of coffee for anyone in quite a while and I think my dad knowing that was trying to cheer me up. When I was done dressing I went downstairs and was shocked to see dad and the cute guy sitting there at the kitchen table talking. When I entered my dad looked my way and said "Matt this is my son, Adam this is Matt, he came to check out the hot water, I'm sorry that you got cold water but the thermostat seems to have broken down and Matt here was kind enough to fix the problem." Another thing about dad seemed to be his knack for getting to know people and just making them into instant aqaintances as if he's known them for longer.
As I look at Matt I move over to the table. I greet him akwardly: "Hallo, nice to meet you." And a second later he reaches out a hand and I realize he wants to shake mine and as I reach out my own hand to shake his in greeting my dad gets up and goes over to the counter turning away from us."Hallo, Adam, pleased to meet you, too." As he speaks the first sylables his voice comes out smooth and melodic and he takes hold of my hand just as my dad turns away. And for a moment we shake and the instead of letting go he holds onto my hand just a little longer than is necessery and our eyes lock and I completely stop breathing, and the moment feels like an eternity. Finally he let's go. Just as my dad turns back to us. "So Adam, now it's your turn, make us a cup of coffee. Matt, do you want a cup of coffee?, Adam makes a great cup of coffee." And so as not to look a fool I look at Matt for an answer but without letting on to my confusion as to what just happened. My dad turns away again to turn the boiling kettle off.
When he has tuned away matt looks at me and says: "Sure I'd love a cup of coffee." And he gives me a look and a sexy smile. I could only stare and wonder at what this could mean as my hart beat faster and my cheeks got hot. I quickly moved over to the counter and started the coffee as my dad moved over to the stove and started placing bacon and eggs on a plate for me. I more than anything had to turn away and hide a sudden hardon that had started and found it embarassing with my dad present and this guy who bewidered and confused me.
I've always had beautiful people smile at me. But I could never figure out why or how to deal with it, all I can do sometimes is look away or smile back or change the subject when they start to get personal. To be truthful I.m kind of an idiot when it comes to dealing with the attentions of people when it get's personal. My only action ever has been to change the subject immediately and to let my instincts kick in. I've always felt like a fool for not taking it further and maybe making a new kind of friend. And the truth is that I'm kinda scared of what it would mean to open myself up to the possibility of getting intimate or even taking someone into my confidence and letting them know that I'm gay.
So I usually leave them guessing and make it clear that I'm not interested. It never fails and I'm always left feeling regret at my "don't pursue" approach. I basically had the same situation here, except For one difference. He 's sitting at my kitchen table and I'm sporting a boner. Plus he's already seen me as nude as anyone has ever seen me, and he's still interested. So, the only option would be, to ignore him and hope he goes away soon. And never comes back again. It take me 5 minutes to make the coffee. All five minutes to make my hardon go down and as I take the coffee over to the table I see that to my total horror that he is watching my every move and my dad is nowhere to be seen.
I had been so busy thinking, I'd not even notice my dad's absence. We're alone now and he was looking at me with hungry eyes and smiling seductively as I handed him a cup of coffee. Then I suddenly realised that I had'nt even asked whether he wanted sugar or cream. And I did so now: "O, I'm sorry, would you like some sugar or cream?" His answer basicly made my eyes grow big and did the same for another part of me. "Maybe later." He said, and seeing my response he looked me over and chuckled. A kind of low feline growl that left me weak at the kneas. And at that moment my dad walked in and I sat down fast to hide a painfull hardon that I'm almost sertain Matt must have noticed. "Well, I have got to go to work, I'm already an hour late and I have a few meetings today. But you stay and finish you coffee, Matt ,Adam can show you out." Once again dad meets someone and trusts them conditionally, like he's known them for years. Treating Matt like a part of the family.
As he leaves I point to his cup of coffee and say: "Hey, dad, what about your coffee?"and my dad says the strangest thing "Oh, I believe you already have a captive audience in Matt here" and for a split second a look I can't quite read crosses his face and he quickly goes on as he heads out the door grabbing his briefcase "Besides I really need to get to work now, sorry son."
As my dad leaves I wonder about the look on his face. It made me wonder at what my father wast rying to hide. The way he left so quickly. And then I dawned on me that Matt and I was alone and that he was staring at me. As I look over at him he starts to speak. "So Adam, how old are you?" I was a bit aprehensive so I delayd a moment in answering and he was about to ask again when I stamered "I turned 22 in August" Before he could speak I ask him the same quistion "And how old are you" Knowing he must be older and he did look quite a bit more mature than me, I was hoping to scare him off a bit. Another tacktic mainly by instinct. "I'm 26." Well, that won't do, I thought when, he suddenly said: " Look if I'm barking up the wrong tree, then I'll back off and you can just show me the door." he said this sounding a little hurt and I think that maybe he got the fact that I wanted him to back off.
He started to get up and said: " I know the way out I'll pull the door shut on my way out" Then something strange happened. I felt panicked. And suddenly I didn't want him to go. As he was about to leave I said real quickly: "Wait, Matt, don't go, please." And he stopped short of leaving the kitchen and just stood there not saying anything. I took this to be my cue to say something. I knew this was it so without waiting I continued: "I'm sorry, I was really just acting up just now. I do that all the time when people want to get to know me. I'm just so afraid about letting anyone in when it comes to being honest about my being gay." God, I said it at last to someone other than God. And it somehow made me feel so much better about myself. Saying it to Matt felt so great.
At that moment he turned around and he gave me a great big smile and I could see that I'd done the right thing. He came over, walked right up to me and pulled me up to him and started kissing me. Wow, talk about takeing me by surprise. As he kissed me and as I leaned more and more into him alowing him to get at by back and with his strong arms surrounding me almost crushing me making it hard to breathe. I opened my mouth for a second to try and catch my breath. Like trying to breathe under water, but aparently he took this as a sign and his tongue darted into my mouth and our tongues met and as shock of electricity went through me he bathed my mouth with his spit. Some saliva dribbling down my chin and my moist lips loosening as I finally remember to breathe through my nose only to choke on our combined salivas.
At this he let go of my mouth, a look of concern in his eyes and I could see he was definitely something else. I was immediately glad I had not let him leave. "Are you okey?" he asked with concern in his voice. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm okey" He continued saying: "You had me worried there for a second." As he spoke I realised that he was still holding me and he was pressing his hips into mine and even though he was much bigger than me it felt right somehow, having him so close to me, the heat from his body so intense and making me al the more aware now of his magnificent body pressed against me and I felt my old insecurities fade away. I never felt like that before. Having this beautiful man want me made me want him even more.
Suddenly I wanted him to make love to me. And I could see the lust in his eyes now. But why? Why me? He looks so good, and I'm not even half the man he is. How could he want me? So I asked him: "Why me? I mean why did you want me from the moment we met." Then he just smiled and said: "Your dad told me that you made excellent coffee one day at work when I went to him for a PR campaign for my business." That really got my attention. "At the time it did not seem to matter, but then I got to know your dad, somehow I told him that I was openly gay and he said that he was okey with me being gay. Your dad has a way of just making me feel okey with talking about myself." he was not finished and I was so shocked so he continued: "Anyway, this morning I got a call and your dad asked if I could send someone to check the water heater and I wasn't busy and so I came myself. Besides I wanted to do this myself because your dad's firm had done such a great job with the PR for my bussiness." he then got a funny look and smiled: "Then as I was done and making some last checks you came along and I saw you and your dad saw the way I looked at you as you left and he said something to me. He said that he did not know for sure but he thought that maybe you are gay but he's never known for sure and did not know how to ask. He made us breakfast and then he asked if I could maybe talk to you." he looked kind of out of breath and waiting for my reply. I said: "So my dad knows that I'm gay?" he nodded and said: "Yes, he saw the way I looked at you and he basically left us alone to get to know each other. He even turned away a few times and left the room to give us a few seconds alone." I could not believe my father was trying to play matchmaker.
I'd always felt that telling my parents that I'm gay would be difficult. They were really great parents and the last thing I wanted to do was to loose them. So I had not given myself even a small chance at having any lovers or boyfriends. No going to bars no going to parties and over the years my social life dwindled down to nothing. Now here I was and I had to hear that not only does my dad know I'm gay but he actually set all this up. This puts a damper on everything and yet I feel relieved. I look at Matt who is looking worriedly at me and I deside to put him at ease, I lean into him and put my arms around his neck and I pull him closer and he starts kissing me long and hard. Allowing his tongue into my mouth I slowly put my tongue out and taste his mouth. He tastes really good as his hot mouth envelops mine.
Much later...... and we pull apart and I ask: "Don you need to be somewhere soon?" he shakes his head and I can see that he want more. So I take his hand and lead him to my bedroom. As we enter my bedroom I get a little bit pensive but he seems to read my mind and says: "We don't have to do anything right now. We can just lie here and hold each other if you like." I like the sound of that. I can see that he means every word so I lie down and he lies down next to me and we embrace and start to kiss again. Then we stop and just lie there in our mutual embrace. "So you think my dad meant for you to do this?" I ask softly. He slowly leans into me and says: "Yes, I think he trust me, he even asked if I needed condoms, as if being gay automaticly means we'll be having sex. I think that makes it clear that he's ok with it."
"Where does that leave us?" I asked nervously. He looked at me and concern flooded his expression: "What do you mean?" I was suddenly feeling something new, it felt like panick: "If I don't have sex with you now, will I see you again?" His next words envelop me like a warm blanket: "Yes, don't you get it, I think I love you and I want to get to know you much better. I only hope you feel the same way." At that I Hugged him tightly and said: "Yes, I feel the exact same way. I do love you too."
Well, it's one year later and we live together. I have a job and I drive a car. My parents are great and Matt is the most wonderfull guy anyone could hope to ever fall in love with and I thank God everyday that he feels the same way. My life is not easy, but it is perfect because all the people that matter are with me. And that gives me strength to be myself and to have hopes and dreams.
I know a great deal more now about life and about what is important. This is a little bit of hope and inspiration to everyone who struggles with life's dissapointments, just to say that life can be great. Lol. And I hope you all have a happy new year.