UNDER THE CHERRY TREE
By
Rev. Jesse Penfield Gibson, MDiv, DMin
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters and situations are purely imaginary. Any resemblence to any living persion is coincidental. This story is primarily a romance but does contain some scenes of explicit sex, primarily homosexual but not exclusively.
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THIRTEEN
I went home for Thanksgiving Break. The previous weekend, Xander and I had quarreled because he decided to do mushrooms. Fearing a repeat of the post LSD meltdown, I objected. I couldn't understand why he would risk altering his brain chemistry when he all ready had issues with it. Of course, I didn't say that, exactly. But I did try to argue him out of it. Cass and Dex both swore that the last time had been an unusual occurrence and they did this on occasion without problems. AS it happened, this time Xander lost the rock, paper, scissors battle with Cass and was forced to remain sober. Personally I was glad. When they started in on me to join them, I decided that I had had enough of their psychedelic journeys. I thought it was stupid and dangerous. I didn't want to be a part of it. I would remain Xander's boyfriend but I wouldn't be joining him in this part of his life. I made Xander take me back to campus.
Bored and alone on a Saturday evening, I went over the UC to the gym to work out. Reed was there working out. Even though I knew in a vague sort of way that he and Xander didn't get along- their antagonism was obvious during the discussions at FYS - I figured that it didn't prevent me from being nice. So, I spotted him and he returned the favor.
After the workout, he and I went and got a smoothie and chatted. We didn't talk about Xander at all except that he asked why I wasn't out with him. I answered kind of vaguely that I let him have a night out with his buddies. Reed laughingly suggested that after a month of strictly boy sex, Xander was probably on the prowl for a girl. Since I knew that wasn't the case, the jibe didn't bother me. After that, though, we talked about school.
Robbie and I left Wednesday for the break. He was being decent about my coming out and had made it clear that it didn't impact our friendship at all. Of course, the fact that I wasn't bringing boys home made it easier for him to be open-minded. He did promise not to tell anybody back home, which I appreciated. I had to bring my books with me because I had fallen behind in my school work and finals were fast approaching. I needed to catch up. Plus, bringing books home to study (and actually cracking them open) was a good touch for the parents. I also figured that would be a way for me to keep a little separate from them.
My mom wasn't fooled. She knew something was wrong with me. Maybe it was the tension in my face but she kept asking me what was wrong. I just put it down to pressure at school, academic pressure and the need to keep my scholarship. That was partially true but not the whole story. But I couldn't tell her the whole story, not just yet. I couldn't tell her how I had finally decided to embrace my homosexuality and had become sexually active. My parents were skittish about talking about sex when it involved heterosexuality, much less gay sex. There was a great deal about sex left unsaid in my home. I surely couldn't tell her that my new found boyfriend was mentally ill, refused to take his medications and was heavily involved in both the taking and selling of drugs. Just thinking about it made me shudder. In just 3 months I had changed so much. I left Colquitt a church going, closeted teenager who had rarely even had beer and I was coming back having smoked pot on multiple occasions, done LSD and lost my virginity. That's a lot to process. I didn't think my mother could help me with that.
We managed to get through the break okay, though. Momma was still worried about me when I left with Robbie but I had assured her that everything was okay. I didn't feel so confident inside and that must have shown. Robbie was looking forward to getting back so he could bang Erica. I wasn't that excited about going back to my boyfriend. When we got back to our room, there was an envelope slid under the door with my name on it. Inside was a CD. Even though I thought it was strange, I tossed it aside when Xander called me on my cell. We made plans to get together.
I didn't look at the CD again until Monday. Robbie was out and I fired up the laptop to work on a paper when I saw the envelope out of the corner of my eye. Curious, I put the CD in my laptop. The file directory had 3 videos listed: "Max", "Blowing Max" and "Max fucks Ryan". I almost took it out because it was pornography but the horny, gay teenager side of me won out. I doubly clicked on it and the video opened. Xander was sitting on a bed.
A man's voice from off-camera said, "Um, what do we have here? A cute boy." Xander smiled as the man continued, "Tell us your name."
Xander almost said his real name but answered, "Max"
"Okay, Max. How old are you?"
"18" Xander/Max answered. I had trouble believing what I was seeing.
"Um, tell us about the first time you had sex ... Max," the man instructed him. I was struck how he sounded like a dirty old man.
Xander looked away from the camera as he answered. It seemed to me like he was making it up as he went. "I was 14. It was with my first girlfriend."
"Tell me about how that went down"
"We'd been going out for a while, messing around. Then she came home with me one day after school and then one thing led to another."
"Well, exactly what happened," the older off camera guy urged him on.
Xander started to answer and then stopped, looked away and smiled before answering. I couldn't tell if he was being coy and he hadn't expected the line of questioning and was having to conjure up a believable lie on the fly. "We actually did it in the shower."
"Um, cool. She came over with the purpose of having sex? Or was she coming over just to hang out?"
"We had been fore playing it a little before but I don't think she was coming over to have sex. I just worked my magic on her."
"Uh, what kind of girls are you into?" the man continued.
Disgusted, I clicked ahead on the video. He had his erect penis through the fly of a pair of pink stripped boxers. He was moving it around some. "Very nice," the man said, "go ahead and slide your shorts off."
It was like watching a train wreck. You can't believe its happening but you can't take your eyes off of it either. I exited that one, though, and double clicked on "Blowing Max". There was a different off camera voice, a younger one. He welcomed a boy named Spencer who was sitting next to Xander on a black leather couch.
"What brings us together here, guys?" The voice said.
The one named Spencer laughed and said, "I'm blowing him."
"You're blowing him? Okay. Max, whatta you think about that?"
"Uh, I'm not too sure," Xander said, nervously looking at Spencer.
"You're not too sure?"
"I've never done anything with a guy before."
"You are anticipating a good blowjob?"
"I hope so," Xander answered.
"You think it'll be different than with a girl?" the voice asked
"Yeah, I think it'll be different"
"Well, Spencer is pretty good at his job. Why don't you two boys get at it?"
Spencer began rubbing him, pulling up his shirt and licking his torso and neck. On one level it was arousing but on another horrifying. I knew that he had been with other people before – lots of them, in fact – but I had never dreamed he had done pornography. It was surreal watching my boyfriend receive a blowjob for money. Even if I could get beyond that, and it was asking a lot, the lack of honesty floored me. Almost in a trance, I clicked on the last video, "Max fucks Ryan". In that, he is paired with a muscular guy who looked like he was in his early twenties with a thin beard. The other guy, Ryan, did the ministrations orally, which kept up the illusion that Xander was inexperienced in male-male sex. Eventually, Xander mounted him doggy style.
I logged on to the internet and went to the site. Searching the so-called student body, I selected "Max". The description of him read, "Not only is this young, straight, Southern stud completely hot and wonderful to look (or rather, stare!) at, but he's also just a great guy! He's a bit of a wild man, and has an extremely outgoing personality that puts everyone around him at ease. He's fun, laid back, has a great sense of humor... and when you mix that all in with those awesome facial features, hot chest, and all-around great bod it's no wonder he's quite the lady killer back home!" There were three more videos on the site that weren't on the CD: "Max's Morning Wood", "Fucking Max" and "Max and Nadia". I couldn't download them though. I went back to the CD videos and looked at the compliance statements. The solo was done in late June, with the fellatio and action video was done in late July. The Custodian of Records was listed in Tampa. I remembered that Xander had said that he had to go to Tampa on the fall break, which Cass seemed to know about. The fact that his friends had kept it from me only made me angrier.
Xander called me. I debated not answering it but, frustrated and angry, I opened the phone and greeted him with "Hello – Max."
The response was a long sigh. "Oh, shit."
"Oh, shit is right," I snapped back. "Why didn't you tell me you were a porn star? Didn't think I had a right to know that?"
"Well, basically, because I didn't want to have this conversation here."
"You didn't think I would find out?"
"I guess I didn't have that part figured out. And it's not like I'm a porn star. I did a couple of videos."
"Six" I snapped back
"Okay, six. I needed the money."
"What do you mean you needed the money? You're a fucking drug dealer," I practically shouted into the phone.
"Fuck, Dylan, you can't say that on a cell phone," Xander sputtered. "It's not private. Jesus Christ. I guess you are pissed."
"What gave you the first clue?"
"That's the first time I've heard you curse except when we're making love."
I could almost hear him smiling, trying to turn on the charm or, as he put it in the solo, `work his magic'.
"So that's what we're calling it – `making love'. What was it called when you were doing it on camera, in front of people?"
"It was a job, Dylan. Just a job. I didn't mean anything. I needed the money. School is 40,000 a year."
"You couldn't get a real job? Didn't want to work at McDonald's? Couldn't get a loan?"
"Dylan, be real. I made more in an afternoon doing that than I could make in a month at McDonald's. I go to fucking art school, for fuck sakes. I'm going to starve anyway and you want me to be 150,000 dollars in debt too?"
"And your rich family couldn't help you out?" I knew it was a low blow even when I said it. I didn't care. I wanted to hurt him.
"Fuck off, okay. You mean the rich family that cut me off and threw me out? I mean, fuck you. What the fuck do you know, anyway? Some of us didn't grow up with a mom and a dad and a picket fence and a fucking dog. Every single fucking one of them was done before we got together. "
"So you're pissed at me?" I shot back, stunned. "Because this was the place where you supposed to say that you're sorry and you'll never do it again."
There was a long pause. "I'm sorry you found out. I'm not sorry I did it."
"Well, that tells me everything I need to know right there," I said as I hung up the phone. He tried calling back 5 or 6 times but I hit the ignore button. Robbie and Erica came back during the periodic call attempts and, sensing my fury, wanted to know what was going on. I told them about Xander's porn career, showing Erica the site. I didn't mention the CD. I was surprised to learn that Erica knew about it all ready. Apparently, it was common knowledge in the small local gay community. Reed had told her over Thanksgiving weekend. She figured that I must have known. She seemed to pity me but didn't do the `I told you so' routine, which she would have had a perfect right to do. I could only wonder at how many people were laughing at me behind my back. It made me sick to know that I had lost my virginity to a porn actor. I had developed real feelings for him but, of course, it didn't mean as much to him judging from his ability to fuck for money. A short time later, there was a pounding on my door. I knew it was Xander. It had just barely been long enough for him to have driven here. Reluctantly, I opened the door.
"At least talk to me," Xander pleaded.
Robbie was standing behind me. "He don't want to, buddy. Knows all about you. So why don't you get the fuck out of here."
Xander looked past both of us to Erica. "You better tell your kromagg that he does not want to fuck with me right now."
"Yeah, well what are you going to fucking do about it?" Robbie demanded.
I put my hand up to Xander's chest to hold him back. "Enough," I said firmly. "Enough. We don't have anything to talk about. It was one bridge too far, Xander. It was too much. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm done. See you later. Go party with your friends or do whatever it is you want to do. Just leave."
It looked like the life was drained out of him as I closed the door in his face. I was finished with it and felt relieved. Part of me was sorry, though. But his positive qualities were buried under a mountain of problems – drugs, mental illness, bad decisions. I had to walk away no matter how hard it was. A few minutes later, we heard shouting coming from across the hall. I didn't go out to look but apparently Xander was taking his frustrations out on his erstwhile roommate Carter. No matter how narrow minded and prejudiced Carter was, he was innocent in this regard. I was about to go over when I heard the door slam and someone stomping off. My first break-up was done.
Xander made it to the FYS discussion on Wednesday but said little, as did I. The tension between us was palpable. After class, he begged me to come with him to talk but I refused. From my vantage point, we had little to talk about. Reed overheard it and saw how upset I was when Xander marched off. He invited me to get a cup of coffee at the co-op. I got an iced coffee and he got a latte and we sat in a booth by the window overlooking the courtyard below.
"Look, you know that he and I don't get along. But I'm not going to trash the guy," Reed said.
"I appreciate that," I replied, turning the glass around slowly, not drinking.
"Ending a relationship is tough. It doesn't matter if you're the dumper or the dumpee, it sucks. But, life goes on. It hurts but it goes on."
"Yeah," I agreed, not finding much solace in his words.
"Look, just so you know, I like you. I've been watching you all semester and I admit I was a little jealous when you hooked up with him. But I'm not looking to be the rebound guy. I think you ought to take your time, get over this, grieve a little and then, when you're ready to move on, remember that there is someone else interested. Okay?"
I nodded. That part actually did make me feel better. I knew that Xander and his friends didn't like Reed and were critical of him, but I was reconsidering their opinion. It was sweet of him. "Thanks, Reed. That helps."
I spent the rest of the semester being a hermit. I just poured myself into schoolwork. Besides class, meals at the co-op, running and the occasional work out at the UC, I was in my dorm room or the library studying. I became a non-entity. I mostly tried to keep my mind busy so I wouldn't think about Xander. The intensity of the studying did pay off. I got my grades at home on Christmas Eve as my extended family prepared to celebrate. I made the Dean's List with a 4.0. My parent's pride in me was palpable. My mother bragged to my aunts and uncles; I let my Grandmother look at the grades on the internet. There was general backslapping and congratulations all around.
My family gets together on Christmas Eve. I'm not sure how that started but that's what we do. The front room of the house was a sea of presents. There was enough food to feed a family five times as large as ours with food to waste. My younger cousins were excited and rushed through dinner thinking that would speed up the opening of presents. As usual, it didn't. The adults visited, talking and lingering over the food, at least partly to make the kids even more excited. Tonight they got family presents and, of course, Santa would come tonight for more tomorrow. I had the honor of passing around the presents and found that watching the little kids opening them was actually pretty fun. My own stack of presents was small, smaller than normal. I wasn't upset about it but I was disappointed. When all of the gifts had been distributed, I started opening mine, careful to thank everyone that gave me something, even if I didn't really want or need it. Then my Dad stopped me.
"You know son, you're too old now for Santa to come visit you," my Dad said. "But Mama and me, we wanted to get you something special. Something you would appreciate. But it's too big to bring in the house. You'll have to go outside."
Looking around, surprised, I could see that my aunt's and uncle's were all in on the secret. I figured it must be really good. I hoped it was a car. So, I went out in the cold December night in my shirt sleeves and by the kitchen door was a truck. I knew the vehicle that everyone there drove and I knew this one was mine. My eyes got big. I couldn't believe it. It was a Ford Ranger, probably 3 or 4 years old, a small truck. I didn't know what to say. I was speechless as my family gathered around.
"I bought it off Jim Morris," Daddy said, draping his arm around my shoulder. "It's only got a little more than 30,000 miles on it and Jim took real good care of it. It'll be a good, solid truck for you."
I fought back tears I was so happy. Mama chimed in, "Now you won't have an excuse to not come home."
"Except for the girls that's all over him," one of my uncles joked.
"Thank you so much. It's the best present ever. It's really great."
"You earned it. You're making us proud." Daddy said
I was sure that they wouldn't be proud if they knew the truth. Not proud of me at all.