This story is fiction. The characters are adults in adult situations. Warnings: The only person you can ever hope to truly know is yourself. Trust no one; use condoms. If you are not of legal age or in a jurisdiction in which this document is illegal, go way. This is my story. Please respect the copyright. Sojourn1950@yahoo.com
NOTE: Josh is telling this story to someone. In the original text I used Bold to identify when he was speaking directly to that person. Nifty does not do bold... so there may be some confusion. There is one place within this chapter where Josh addresses his audience directly. It is one line and spaced from the rest of the text.
Bill had taken a step back. His body became rigid, his fist clinched. Through gritted teeth he repeated, "I'm queer." His eyes were watching. His body ready for the attack he was certain would come. I turned my back and moved to the tailgate. My feet could find no comfort on this gravel.
Bill figured I was leaving. He stooped to strap on his duffle bag. When he heard me lower the tailgate, he stepped away from his bag. He resumed his defensive posture. I guess he thought I was retrieving a weapon. Instead I hooked the chains so the gate was horizontal and sat. My feet screamed their relief. I folded my left leg and lay it on the gate and hung my right leg over my ankle. Bill had to know I was in no position to attack him or even defend myself.
"How do you know? Yesterday you said you had never done anything with a man. So, how do you know?"
"Josh, I never said that... You said, "don't worry Bill, I've never done anything like that either." You just assumed I hadn't. I never said one way or the other. How do I know...? I didn't until my last six months in the Army."
Bill seemed to be having a hard time finding something to do with his hands, now that they wouldn't be needed as fists. They seemed to be everywhere and nowhere for very long. Finally, even he noticed and stuffed they deep into his pockets.
"Look, Bill I know this is important to you." Before I could finish Bill had backed up and turned to strap on his duffle bag. The son of a bitch couldn't wait to get away from me.
"GODDAMN IT! WILL YOU WAIT? ONE FUCKING MINUTE!"
I could see the shock on his face as he let the duffle bag fall from his shoulders. "I know you got something to say. I'm more than willing to hear it. But I don't think this is a conversation to have when I am half naked alongside the road. Now get your sorry ass in gear, throw your bag in here and get your butt in the truck. We can talk at home. I can at least get some fucking shoes on. If after we talk, either of us decide you should still leave, I'll take you back to Dayton and leave you at the diner by the feed store."
I stood up in the bed of the truck and made my way to the cab. I managed to open the door and get behind the wheel without stepping foot on that rough assed gravel. Maybe I should let them pave this road.
Bill tossed his bag in the back and closed the tailgate. When he was seated again, I let out a sigh. I was not looking forward to this conversation. I didn't want him to leave thinking I was angry with him. I didn't want him to be queer. Really, I didn't know what I wanted. I still didn't much like the idea that he would soon be gone. I wondered if we were just wasting time by going back to the house. I admitted to myself that one more hour, one more minute of his time, was not a waste.
I figured if we were gonna talk about this shit, I'd have to prime the pump, "Bill, did you like the stuff you did with that guy? I mean... he didn't force you or do something while you were asleep?"
"No, it wasn't like that. It was almost like we decided at the same time... to touch each other. I mean..."
I cut him off. Here he was telling me he couldn't wait to touch this guy and every time I came close to touching him he went nuts. I didn't need to hear this shit. "Bill, I don't mean to interrupt but had you ever done anything like that before?"
"Josh, the closest I came was a circle jerk with three of my friends in the sixth grade. No touching, just jerking off with friends. That was the only time. What happened with him... was a shock. It took me a while to believe it really even happened. I never thought about anything like that. In high school I fucked a couple of girls. In college when Charlene and I dated, she let me fuck her. She wasn't a virgin... but neither was I. I enjoyed sex with women. I never thought about doing anything with a man... until him. Seems like after that first time it was all I thought about. When I jacked off I thought about what we did and how good it all felt. We messed around for a couple of months. We were careful not to get caught. I think I loved him. He'd come in as a temporary fill in. He had been at the embassy in Rome. He was due to muster out and was killing time with our unit. We had a replacement that was to show up two weeks after Jeff, that was his name, Jeff. Anyway, I wanted to get together with Jeff after we were mustered out. He told me he was going back to Pennsylvania to marry his high school sweetheart. I guess I kind of took it hard. I was moping around after he left, knowing I would never see him again."
"One of the guys apparently saw us do something or had a suspicion. He was about your size and built like you. We had been buddies until Jeff came along. Anyway he said something about me missing my queer buddy and I unloaded on his ass. It took three or four guys to pull me off of him. He had three busted ribs, a busted jaw and two teeth knocked out. I was pretty much ok, except my knuckles."
"My Captain either did me a favor or else he didn't want the paperwork of a courts martial. He sent me to Walter Reed in D.C. to await my discharge. I was scared that they would find out about me and send me to Leavenworth. Kansas is fine... but not that part. Anyway, before too long I got my discharge and it was Honorable. So I was happy... almost. Except what I did, what we did, still bothered me. I didn't see any other man that I wanted to do anything with... until. Anyway, the rest you already know."
When we pulled into the yard, I just shut the motor off and listened. I kept looking for some sign. Some indication that he might be queer. Anything... Nothing. Bill had given no indication that he was anything but all man. I could imagine him naked, shit. I could remember him naked. Just couldn't imagine him naked, with another man.
We sat there in silence as I wondered if any of this could be true. It didn't add up. The shit I heard about queers in high school had them sneaking around bus stations and darkened theaters. Or offering little boys candy. Or picking up hitchhikers... Shit! There was more evidence that I was queer than there was condemning Bill. Yet, here he was telling me he was a bona fide, died in the wool cocksucker. It just didn't add up.
"Lets go inside and get something cold to drink. We can talk some more. My mouth is bone dry."
Bill followed me to the front porch and sat in one of the rocking chairs. He'd said nothing since he fell silent in the truck. I went to the fridge and got two beers and a church key.
Coming back onto the porch I found him leaning over the railing. He was looking out over the yard. I stood beside him and handed him his opened bottle. Still barefoot I rested my ass on the railing between Bill and the post supporting the hand rail for the steps. I was facing the screen doors. Bill was on my left, facing the yard. I crossed my feet at the ankles and leaned against the post.
I had noticed the Crocuses were in bloom. They had been fooled also. Within a week their blossoms would most likely be frosted with ice or snow. What if Bill had been fooled? Maybe he was drunk or drugged? Maybe hypnotized? "Bill, what if that was a one of a kind deal. What if it never happens again. Maybe you aren't queer. Maybe you were confused. Maybe you were drunk... ah shit. I don't know... are you sure you`re?" Then softer, as if to make it less real, "queer?."
Bill sat his beer on the railing and stepped back. His face scowled as his eyes mapped my face. "What? You think I would make this shit up...? Think I wanted to tell you I like sucking cock? This is not bullshit! What do I have to do to make you see that?"
A pause. He eyes held mine. "What...? Josh, what...? Suck your cock?" His eyes shifted down my body then back up to meet mine. As he talked he stepped so his feet were either side of mine. "Drop my pants and let you fuck my ass? Is that what it would take?"
I didn't react to the fact that he had straddled my legs. Strange, but I simply noticed his position. It didn't bother me or make me feel threatened. There was a shift in his voice and demeanor. He was no longer pleading. His voice was soft and low. "What do I have to do? Get naked and show you how hard you make me?" I took a sip of my beer, more to show I was not convinced than to quench my thirst.
Leaning in closer, his eyes still searching my face. He almost whispered, "What do I have to do?" I could feel his breath on my face, each exhaled syllable. It was like he was one of those Indian fakirs, I was charmed as surely as a cobra in a basket. I couldn't move ... I didn't want to move. He stepped in so I could feel his legs pressing against the outside of mine.
Slowly, gently, trying not to startle me, he slipped his right hand around my bare waist. I could feel my skin tingle at his touch. At the same time, the back of his left hand lightly rubbed against my hairy belly and moved ever so slowly upward. I watched fascinated by the feelings. The heat coming from his right hand and the erotic caress of his left hand rearranging the hairs on my skin. Each hair moved transmitted an electric signal to my brain. The back of his fingers brushed against my left nipple, creating a rippling sensation as each finger passed. I felt chills run down my spine and turn into electricity that grounded in my balls as my cock surged to half hard. That left hand found the back of my neck. Bill tilted his face slightly to his left... and kissed me.
Holding my beer and leaning against the post, I was trapped. He was on me before I could react.
Don't give me that look... Goddamn it! That's how I remember it.
I had never kissed a man. I had kissed more than a few girls and women. None of them had ever kissed me. It was always my idea. Me pressing my lips to theirs... this was a whole new world.
I could say a lot of things about that kiss. If I examined it clinically... I suppose I would say he had the softest lips I had ever felt, like downy cushions against my lips. I reckon I could say that he tasted of beer... sharp, clean, enticing. His lips at first fluttered against mine asking for... for a response. My lips yielded. Shock shifted to bliss then bliss soared to passion... Distantly I heard the tinkle of beer bottles as they crashed to the ground. Once my arms were around him, he released my neck. The fingertips of his left hand were plowing furrows through my chest hair. When those fingertips rubbed across my nipples I moaned into the kiss. His invading tongue should have stifled my moans. Instead the presence of that most intimate appendage only made me moan louder as mine caressed and tried to embrace his. I pressed my lips more firmly against his and pushed my tongue to explore and map his mouth. His right hand pulled me closer, even as my own hands discovered his ass and pulled him further onto me.
My cock was throbbing with every beat of my pounding heart. My own ass started helping my cock by humping into his groin. I pulled his ass to sync with my thrusts. I wouldn't last long. Bill broke the kiss long enough to mummer something I couldn't comprehend... I stopped in mid-hump. I released his ass. Whatever he had said was like cold water showered on two dogs fucking. I pushed him away. It was my turn to search his face... for what? I don't know. What he had said was too much...
Ever wonder why we close our eyes when we kiss? I know. It's so we can wring every drop of excitement from that fleetingly intimate connection. We block out the useless visual in order to fully attend what we taste and feel. Reality is suspended.
My own eyes had betrayed me. Even before his lips touched mine they had closed. Shutting off my brain so there was no revulsion, no hesitation, just passion. God gave us noses so we could hold a kiss and breathe. That kiss took my breath away, my lungs stalled. Every nerve was shutdown except those lucky enough to be tied to my lips, tongue and mouth and Bill`s touch. Ah, shit... truth is, every nerve in my body had been charged up by that kiss.
I had to concentrate to make my eyes focus. And there they were... those crinkles were there... Was he smiling through our kiss?
KISS! FUCK! I WAS KISSING... HAD KISSED A MAN! HAD KISSED... BILL! !
I pushed him farther away. The son of a bitch was still smiling. I wanted to knock that smile into the next county. "You son of a bitch! What did you do that for?"
Bill made a move to take me in his arms again. I side stepped him and headed for the door. "I knocked our beers into the yard. I'll get some more... I need a drink." I didn't wait for a response. I almost ran to the kitchen. I had to put distance between myself and Bill... and that kiss.
I stuck my head inside the Frigidaire. The cooling air felt good against my flushed, sweaty skin. I felt my nipples react to the sudden chill. I examined them as if seeing them for the first time. I touched my finger to my left nipple and felt a shock. Not as intense as Bill had provided, but a shock. I wondered what else would I have discovered about my body... myself, if he hadn't said what he said?
After a minute or more I remembered that Bill had not taken his bag out of the truck and he was probably headed out again. Son of a bitch! I would probably have to tackle him to get him to stay. I grabbed two beers and closed the door. I hurried back to the porch hoping he was still there. I didn't see him. I pushed the screen door open and cussed at the same time, I realized he was gone.
"Fuck Me!"
"Okay, but it takes some getting used to and you're not ready for that. What the hell ... I'm game if you are."
He was sitting in a rocking chair to my left. Bill reached for a beer. He had the church key in his hand. "You dropped this too. I guess the only thing you didn't drop was your pants." That fucking smile. Not the crinkles... well there were some there. This one was the old "cat who swallowed the canary" kind. It irritated, me no end.
I blushed so badly that I could feel the heat rising from my chest as it crawled it's way to the top of my head. The cooling air from the Frigidaire was a distant memory. I was still shirtless.
"You know when you blush it makes nice background for the swirled hair on your chest. Does the blush ever go lower? I'd like to see that."
That fucking smile... could I learn to hate those crinkles?
"Fuck yo..." Instead I dropped it to say, "Asshole!"
I took the opened beer and moved back and leaned against the railing just in front of him. I would rather have stayed inside but I was sure if I left him alone for very long, he would leave. The blushed stayed and so did I.
"Don't be embarrassed Josh, you're a great kisser." It was his turn to blush as he added, "Probably the best."
I didn`t want to be reminded of the kiss nor what he had said once it broke. "I thought you'd left." I tried to make it an accusation... it came out fearful. Fuck!
"After that kiss! Josh, you couldn't run me off with a double barreled shotgun. I'm not going anywhere. Not until we get to know each other better." His smile faded into serious... "All of a sudden, Im not in a hurry to go anywhere. I dont understand this any better than you do. But by god, I will. I'm not leaving you until I do."
That pissed me off! How the fuck could I be so afraid the son of a bitch might leave and right now want to be rid of his sorry, smug, smiling ass at the same time?
"What happened to the neurotic frightened little boy? What have you done with him, you smart assed bastard? Was that all an act? Was that... that kiss in your plans all along? What? You took one look at me and figured I'd be the next recruit into the queer ranks?"
The smile faded into a pained expression. I didn't give a shit as long as that self satisfied, shit eating, grin was gone. Okay... ok, I did give a shit. "Bill, I'm sorry that was uncalled for. I know you've been honest... brutally honest." I traced my lips with the tip of the bottle at the memory of that kiss. "I still don't understand why you went nuts when I almost touched you in the truck and again this morning. Then just now you ... you kissed me... What the fucks going on with you? You goddamn tell me you like ..." I caught myself before I said something that he might not appreciate. "like ... men. But, you go ape shit when my hand even gets close to you." I don't understand. Is there more you're not telling me?"
A winsome smile washed his face. I was relieved to see the look of hurt go. "Josh, I don't want to be queer. When we got to talking so easy, it was like I'd known you a long time. I felt like you were an old friend. When I agreed to come here, it was like I would be working with a nice guy, somebody I already knew. Hell, just being in your company was the most fun I could remember ever having. I didn't think anything could fuck it up. I figured time with you would somehow get me back on the right track."
The slight smile had faded as he began to talk. Now, the pained expression was back. "When you reached across the cab of the truck, I thought you were starting something, Something... I hadn't thought you would... Something... I'd hoped I would never experience again."
"Josh, this whole thing about hitchhiking back home was to convince myself that I wasn't queer. That I could marry Charlene and live a normal life. Getting robbed didn't mean shit. It gave me an excuse for some time to think. Meeting you was the most normal thing that has happened to me in a long time. Until ... until ... I hyperventilated. That moment it all came back to me so strong. That instant closed the door on my chance for a normal life."
He paused and took a swig of his beer. "Look, Bill, I'm sometimes pig-headed. I know that... but since I didn't touch you ... couldn't you just pick up where you left off? I mean I had no intention of doing anything like ... like ... hell, I don't even know what I would've done. I don't know what queers do." That garnered me a look that suggested I was talking out of my ass. "Yeah, ok, so they kiss. I've heard about other things they do. Oh, fuck ... Why couldn't you've just let that go and keep on not being queer?"
In spite of my lack of eloquence Bill understood what I meant.
He leaned forward in the rocker and twisted his bottle around in his hands. His eyes focused intently on that action. When he spoke, he didn't look up. "Josh, the reason I can't is because in that moment, I wanted you to touch me. I wanted you to be starting something. It was like a switch was turned on inside my head. After that every time I looked at you... I wanted you. I wanted you to want me. This morning I almost came in my drawers just watching you scratch you chest. I got so wrapped up in imagining it was me playing with your nipple and stroking your chest hair... I would have cum, if you hadn't called my name. When I realized you saw I had a hardon for you... I knew I had to leave."
He stood up without looking at me and walked to the steps. He stopped on the top and leaned against the post. He stared at the pickup like he was thinking of getting his bag and walking off.
Whatever he was thinking, he stayed where he was. When he spoke it was with conviction. "Josh, I wanted so much for you to touch me. In the kitchen, if you had touched me anywhere, I would have shot off. That's also why I lost it when you tried to help me by the bed. I was afraid that if you touched me I wouldn't be able to let go. You can't imagine how it feels to want something so bad and not want it at the same time."
I didn't tell him, but I understood perfectly...
"I don't know maybe I'm nuts. You asked if the kiss was in my plan. I didn't and don't have a plan. Part of me right now wants to get my bag out of your truck and start walking and never look back. Part of me is hoping you'll decide to drive me to Dayton... that part of me wants to put as much distance between you and me as possible. Still, there is a big part of me, most of me, that wants to stay here with you and figure this out... for better or worse."
"The kiss. The kiss wasn't planned. You were trying to convince me that I wasn't queer and I ... I knew I was. All those things you brought up... have already occurred to me. I've tried to make everyone of them true. They weren't true for me and they didn't sound any more true when you said them. The kiss... was to be proof that I knew what I was saying. I knew I wanted to kiss you. I really did. When it occurred to me I had an almost legitimate excuse... Well, I did it without thinking. If I had thought about it, I most definitely would't have done it. Not after what I saw you go through this morning. I didn't think. When I kissed you, I knew I would take a beating everyday just to have that kiss. Still would. That kiss went beyond making me want to cum. When you kissed me back, I can't begin to describe the thrill, the feelings, that ran though me. Goddamn, Josh that was the most amazing moment of my life."
Silence feel with a crash. What he said... the last part, echoed through my head. Only as the echo died it was my own voice saying, "The most amazing moment of my life."
As he began to talk about the kiss. His voice lightened and his face began to light up with that crinkle smile. I knew my kiss had done that... I blushed. He was watching me now, in the silence, with that smile. When he saw the blush his smile brightened beyond brilliant. That smile made the rest of the springtime, sun kissed world, dim in comparison. I knew that smile was because of me and for me. For me alone. I knew. It was more than a little scary...
He started toward me. I turned and faced him. I knew what was coming. My lips quivered. I wanted to talk... to stop him. Tell him it wasn't right... I wasn't like that. I felt his breath on my face. I felt his finger brush lightly over the hairs on my chest.
I had been watching his eyes... they were so close now they blurred... or was that my vision? My eyes closed. I knew I should say something... anything to prevent him from kissing me. Instead I pulled him to me. I had to kiss him... I had to know if those lips were as soft as I had first thought. I tilted my head and place my lips on his unbelievably soft lips. In the first kiss passion had built quickly. This time was different. It was like we new when he turned toward me we were going to kiss. When our lips met passion didn't build... it soared. I have known hunger, I have known thirst. I never knew a need so desperate, so deep that when it burst forth it seemed all consuming. There was no me... there was no him... there was only us.
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