UNBROKEN PIECES OF ME
What I used to be I no longer am, Who I am I never used to be, I will never know, Why I am the me, That I am today, All I know is that, What I used to be, I no longer am.
Chapter One
(CLARKE)
"Clarke get your butt down here now, Randy's here!"
That's my Mom standing at the bottom of the stairs excercising her cakehole. She's been so gentle and considerate of me for the past several months but everything went to hell in a teacup last week. It's like some damn switch was flipped and she turned back into the bride of Frankenstein again.
"Just tell him to come on up Ma, and thanks..."
It was her idea in the first place to keep Randy downstairs whenever he visited. I think she's scared he's gonna jump my bones or sumptin. She makes sure she can keep us in sight and when we leave the house she kinda gets jumpy. It's coz Randy is queer. But so is her beloved Felix. He's gay too and every time Felix comes over she all but evicts me from the house because her 'other baby' is here.
She doesn't seem to have any problem at all with Jake and Felix being together but she clearly doesn't want the gay life for her own son. It's not that she's rude or anything like that to Randy. She just doesn't want us to be alone together in my bedroom.
As if that would stop me messing around with him or with anybody if I want to.
But what am I saying? I don't know what I'm saying! It was so weird when Mom found out about me dancing with Randy (from Blam), she told me she was proud of me and when she saw Jake the next day, well he got a clip in the earhole. Hurt too.
What became pretty obvious to me though was the fact that she did not really know what to think about me and Randy spending time together. He was always on the sidelines and not part of the popular crowd. I'll tell the truth and admit to making fun of Randy all through elementary school, middle school, and Garfield High.
Coz you see Randy has this one big problem... He kinda minces when he walks. We've all noticed it and I guess I have to admit to teasing him a lot about it through our young years, when he was in my line of fire, which was often.
I was never violent towards him at least not too violent... I am kinda relieved to say I never hit him. Big bad Jake disapproved strongly of overt violence upon the 'minorities' in the school so I think Randy was luckier than any of the fags in other West Virginian towns woulda been!
Jake claims that he had no clue Randy was a fag for sure. But I say he's a f###ing liar because all the tell tale signs are there. The evidence is irrefutable. Randy is more skewered than a shish kebab.
Yeah Randy is a fag. Everybody knows it and he doesn't even try to hide it. It's kinda funny you know coz Randy and Jake are both fags really but yet they couldn't be any more different. You know, I felt this cold prickle of fear running down my back the moment the thought that Jake is a fag materialized in my mind.
Everybody knows that Jake and Felix are fags, but it's kinda like OK coz they are normal you know? But Randy is the kind of fag who is not OK. He's not kosher, he's not acceptable, he's not au fait coz he talks with this ultra soft voice, coz he kinda wears strange clothes, coz he walks funny. He is a threat.
Jake and Felix are still considered to be like normal but Randy is not right in the head. Jake and Felix somehow couldn't help it but Randy has no excuse. I have seen Randy sitting at Jake's freak table many times in the cafeteria, you know the table where Jake invites all the weirdos and lamers to sit so they can eat lunch in peace.
You'd think that nobody would wanna sit there coz then everyone would instantly know what they are and stuff like that. But nope they show up every day like clockwork and Randy was one of them. It was kinda a surprise that Jake rejected Randy so harshly at the Starlight Dance but then again not. This is Jake after all, he's generally nuts.
Besides, those two seem to be getting on like a house on fire these days. Oops I don't think I should have used those exact words but I'm sure you're getting me. That dance was some crazy sh!t man! I was like totally in another zone that night and it kinda made me do some crazy things you know? When Jake decided that he was gonna be stupid and give Randy grief I saw red.
I mean why wouldn't Randy ask Jake to dance right? Jake's like gay right? Jake's with Felix who wouldn't have minded and Felix was still too injured to dance. Yeah I know what Jake says about him not being gay. I know he only loves Felix and whatever but Randy didn't know that did he? Randy was just being a typical gay guy you know? Knowing Jake and Felix were like out and obvious gave Randy a lot of confidence and that made him hit up Jake for a dance right? It's not like he was asking Jake for a f#ck for f#cks sake!
Anyway I hadn't been dancing much myself that night due to the condition I was in. And my relationship with Sue was like ooooooooover. Hey I was a total b#stard to Sue. She was and is such a fine piece of tail and she even has a personality, but I went and f#cked it all up like only I can. That night at Fast Eddies when she finally dumped me was kinda an ending and a beginning for me. After that night things would never be the same again you know?
After I got out of hospital we did try to get together again and see if we could work things out but we didn't last long. We just weren't feeling it. It was a couple of weeks before the Starlight Mountain Dance and we were all up at Jake's house shooting the breeze. There was me, Jake, Felix, Mark, my best buddy Junior and Hector up there that day. Oh and there were some of the girls too, like the ultimate Bitchomundo Jessica, my ex mistress Lenore and my ex girlfriend Sue.
Yeah, Jessica, Lenore and Sue! I can't imagine anything worse than those three together? Jessica and Lenore have kinda toned down the attitudes they have towards one another but duuuuuude the looks they can throw at each other... talk about acrtic! I'm not gonna talk about the looks they give me...
Then there's like Lenore my ex side order supreme and Sue who was my actual girlfriend... well they don't trip over themselves trying to make nice if you know what I mean. They might/could decide to make up and get over it some time in the future but I wouldn't like to bet on it and I'm a betting man too. It's all just one part of the crazy sh!t I stirred up last year. The year that changed my whole life - when everything went to Abaddon as old Miss Carol would say.
Yeah so there we were up at Jake's house everybody trying to get on and lots of fake smiling and sh!t coz anything other than kindness and polite sweet nothings might upset Felix. Felix is SAFE guys! Felix is the man. I never knew that first day I met him how he would change the lives of everyone around him, especially Jake! He is one of those catalysts you know? He is what my Dad calls barbed wire - in a good way coz Dad loves him too.
When I think about it, people who beat up Felix usually seem to wind up dead or getting their asses beat by Jake.., including yours truly. I think that the one who got beat up the most though was Jake himself by the force of nature who is my great buddy Felix. He never did it physically, he did it with love. But hey I was gonna tell you about my Dad's barbed wire story. Get yourself some fritos or sumptin and listen OK?
So yeah, Dad told me the story of barbed wire once and how it was the catalyst for the atomic bomb. You see once upon a time there was this guy who had a cool idea. He invented barbed wire fences to keep the cattle in and it became like this huge craze an all.
Then during the First World War some utter 'genius' got the bright idea of using barbed wire to stop the enemies from coming 'over the top' in the trenches. So the other side began perfecting this cool new transporter/weapon called a 'tank', and the tanks started to roll over the barbed wire pretty easily. They soon added flamethrowers to the tanks and eventually gun turrets.
Later on both sides took to the air and began to develop aircraft that could bomb the tanks and everything else for that matter. And the bombs got better and bigger too until by the time of the Second World War things were humming along pretty sweetly and then as we all know KABOOM! - Hello A-bomb goodbye humanity.
Well I did not intend to paint Felix in a bad light coz he ain't but I kinda see him as like this huge catalyst who started a chain of events that turned our sleepy little barbed wire fence town into the core of a nuclear reactor. The thing is, he doesn't mean to do it, it just happens everywhere he goes.
Well anyway we were all up at Jake's hanging out and having a pretty good time even - all things considered. But all the while I notice Hector's been giving me kinda panicked looks and eventually I'm like giving him WTF? looks right back. Well he flashes his eyes toward the balcony outside. So I just roll mine and we head on out there.
I know that Hector gave up smoking last year but I guess he fell off the wagon, wants to have a smoke and just wants company. With all the sh!t that went down in the past few months I'm not really surprised he has gone back to the tobacco.
So we get out there leaving Jake and Junior arguing over Halo while Mark gives a color commentary to the amused girls and Felix tries his hardest to follow along without falling asleep. Damn that boy sleeps a lot. I know the feeling.
"Hey Dude, how are ya doin today?" says Hector.
"Yah good now spill, what's up with you man? Giving me all those strange looks an all"
He looks like he's constipated or something and he dabs at his forehead before looking me in the eye.
"Clarke, dude, I notice you haven't really spent much time with ummm, with ummm, with Sue this afternoon..."
Ok so I think I get what's going on now.
"Well she and I aren't like together anymore Hector. We split up a while ago."
"OK cool, that's really cool. Oh I don't mean it like that Clarke I mean WOW!
I'm so sorry you guys busted up dude!"
"Whatever liar, you are here to ask me if I wouldn't mind you going after her ain't ya?"
He looks at me quizzically
"Well not exactly..."
"Huh? what do you mean Hec?"
"Well Sue and I are kinda already together but I wanted to be the one to kinda tell you and check that you are kinda like OK with it an all you know?"
I don't really know whether to get angry or to just let it ride at this point. My pride kinda wants to boil over but doesn't know why. My brain wants me to take this as a golden opportunity to give Hec and Sue my blessing and let them know I am fine with it. (Not that Sue would seek my blessing anyway). And my heart is.., well I don't know where my heart is and that's kinda been the problem lately. My heart is lost.
"Hector, your'e a good dude ain't ya."
"Yeah, and I promise I'll take care of her"
He avoids my eyes as he says that and I'm relieved. I never really did quite get the knack of looking after just the one woman.
"OK and Hec I've known you for like for zillions of years..."
"Haha yeah dude, zillions."
"Yeah and Sue has known you for like forever too so I know that she must feel real comfortable with you and that she has made her decision based on good knowledge right dude?"
"Yeah man."
"OK Hector we're safe dude. SAFE!"
"Cool man and THANKS!"
Hectors a big guy, easily the largest guy our age with the exception of the Jakenator. And I begin backpeddling the moment I see him begin to open his arms and step towards me.
"WOAH WOAH! - save those hugs for Sue big guy haha you know I'm still recovering!" (which is the truth)
"Oh OK man, good deal but you know I got your back and I am just glad you are OK with me and, and, and well Susie."
He blushes at his own usage of an endearment to describe his new girl.., my old girl.
"You go get your girl Hector and live free!"
"Thanks dude! Just thanks, I love ya!"
He's nearly to the door when I call his name.
"Oh and Hector?"
"Yeah Clarke?"
"If you hurt her, I'm telling Jake on you haha!"
"You betcha dude, One mans mess is another mans marvel."
He quietly closes the door behind him and walks confidently over to his woman, my ex. She smiles just for him and her eyes kinda glow and it's nice. I'm glad. She's a happy woman and he's a happy man.
I turn away and look out over the manicured gardens of Jake's crazy house. What is going to happen to me? What will become of Clarke Griersen?
I'm so changed,
I'm so broken now,
I'm damaged goods.
The Starlight Mountain Dance was created by Jake's two uncles back in the 60's or 70's or whatever. It was back, way back in time when the dinosaurs still roamed the Earth! The Maxson brothers decided to hold a Fall dance up top at their place in the big ballroom so they did and the rest as they say is history.
Last year woulda been the first time ever the dance had not gone ahead because the principal canceled it. The reason the principal gave was a load of bullsh!t and we all knew it. The dance was canceled just to make things that little more ugly for us all at a very ugly time. (not that I was in any condition to go to it at THAT time)
Well thankfully things went our way in the end and although the dance was much delayed. It was actually held twice this year to make up for the missed one last year and to ensure that the chain of holding a Starlight Dance for each year was unbroken.
So it was actually during Summer when that fateful dance occurred. We had already been out of school for a couple of months by that time and yet almost every senior from our year came back for it.
This time last year if you had asked me to bet on who I thought the Starlight king and queen would be I would have said Jake and Jessica without hesitation. Unbelievable as it is to say - I would only have been half right. Jessica did indeed take out the queen award - more like queen bizotch, but her regal partner for the year was not Jake but Mark!
Well yall coulda blown me over with a feather, as Felix often says. It was one of the rare times when the all conquering Jake had to account for a loss. His uncles had been kings, his father was king, Jake was king of the school but he did not carry the night. Not that he cared, I don't think he even noticed.
But I know that he DID notice my dancing with Randy. Jake really dissed Randy sumptin awful that night and I totally felt for Randy. Now normally I woulda probably been laughing at the whole incident but when Jake shut down on Randy like he did that night I got to say I was kinda disgusted with the big dude.
What's the name of that book that says 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times?' Listening in english class was against my religion but for Jake last year was definitely that. He's never found such joy as what he found last year in Felix, but he paid for it dearly. And he wasn't the only one who suffered. Many of us did. I did, Felix did and others as well. My Ma and Pa did...
I don't know what made me do it and I have asked myself why many times since but I can't really answer that question. Maybe the old lady would know the answer who knows. I wasn't even drunk. He was walking aimlessly and dejectedly towards the huge main entrance doors. Most of the other kids would have had no clue about what had just gone down at Jake's 'royal table'.
He was trying to make himself walk small, look as insignificant as possible because he felt ashamed. I am glad he was shuffling since because of my injuries, I was still unable to run or exert myself too much .
"Hey buddy, uh Randy wait up."
He looked at me almost with an expression of terror. I guess he thought I was coming after him to finish him off. He musta felt
pretty gutted and awful coz like how would you feel to be so cruelly dismissed by someone as scary as Jake in Jake's own house? Uggghhh!
Like I said before I don't know what made me go chasing after Randy but the seeds of an audacious idea were planted in my mind and I was starting to feel just as scared as Randy looked.
"Wait Randy hold up dude..."
I had nearly caught up to him and we found ourselves alone just outside the main doors. Far over the other side were two of the chaperones, Jake's Dad - Uncle Ryan and Miss Kathleen but they seemed OK with us.
"Dammit STOP Randy!"
I reached him and grabbed his shoulder. He seemed fragile as a bird and something inside of me woke. Something I thought I was never going to feel again.
"Hey Randy, I'm sorry about what Jake said to you dude. That just sucked man."
He looked so scared his eyes were almost rolling in his head like one of Jake's horses when they don't want to cooperate.
"Oh, oh, uh, I was just going to, I was just going to wait for the first bus to go down the mountain..." he stuttered.
I couldn't help it. I grabbed his other shoulder and turned him gently to me. I leaned in and I could feel his frightened breath on my face. It didn't feel bad. It smelled sweet.
"Your'e not going anywhere dude. Don't worry about Jake, he's all just hot air dude. I can easily handle him."
His rather dubious look didn't do him or me for that matter any favors. Randy knew just as well as I that probably only a silver bullet , a wooden stake through the heart and/or direct sunlight after beheading would be suitable enough to deal with Jake. But that was never my point or my intention.
"I just wanna go home now please C.. Cl...Ccccc..."
"Clarke dude, my name is Clarke. You know the idiot who teased you all through our school years?"
The freaked out, distrustful look on his face tells me that my attempt at light humor has fallen upon deaf ears...
"Hey come on Randy, let's go back into the dance and have a good time huh? Just you and me OK? What say we just hang out huh? It's almost over anyway"
He's been looking at my hands on his shoulders the whole time and I got to admit that part of the reason was because I had been lightly massaging them. His fearful grey eyes just made me wanna take away all the pain and well I dunno, other stuff too.
Another thing I had been doing was carefully pulling us back into the dark sapphire speckled depths of the ballroom. And the darker it got, the more confident I felt in myself that I could pull off what it is I felt compelled to do.
It's weird how much braver how much more daring we can become when the lights are off. I once saw this tv show about how a group of french researchers were given permission to turn the main emergency floodlights on at a number of Paris nightclubs half way through a Saturday night.
The result was very interesting. The dancing stopped, people separated immediately, people noticed how sweaty, trashed and ugly one another were... It just threw a dampener over the whole thing. The researchers were able to determine just how important darkness was to successful nightclub entertainment. As if they didn't know already...
And yes the darkness was my friend. I pulled him into the room and into me. And without a word we began to dance. Around and around we went. My injuries miraculously disappeared. I saw faces whirling by with mixed looks of shock, scorn, admiration and encouragement. I saw Jake's face aghast and yet also penitent. Felix looked at me proudly and his smile to Randy was a beautiful thing. Even Jessica nodded at me and smiled! Now that is something I wish I could have framed.
I never asked him to dance, I kinda led him into the room like he was a scared colt and it just happened. The blue fairy lights and sapphire sparks reflecting off the disco ball transformed everything into a Starlight Mountain glow. The music, the song and the atmosphere reached out to me and I gave into it. I worshipped in the moment, I embraced it and I loved it. The old-school song they played was amazing, was appropriate, was right.
'Im all out of love, I'm so lost without you? I know you were right believing for so long'
And he, him, that boy Randy. He felt perfect, he felt good and he made me feel the same way. I felt great. His eyes were incredulous because he couldn't believe what was happening. The smile on his face was magical and yet so desperate, his quivering body made me hold him to me and the closer we got the further I seemed to fall.
'I'm all out of love what am I without you? I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong...'
The spotlight had been on the king and queen, Mark and Jessica. This was meant to be their royal progress song, their coronation dance. People had applauded as they led off the special dance to this song and then everyone had moved to join them on the dance floor.
In the last moments of the song I saw Jessica point and signal at someone several times and before suddenly the spotlight was on us. And as the song reached its painfully exquisite crescendo we both marvelled at the immense waves of sound and positivity that seemed to happily buffet us from all sides.
Randy smiled into my eyes and he looked at me unashamedly. I found myself doing the same thing. He was totally like thin and had no definition anywhere at all and I like it. He wasn't very tall maybe about 5'9 and I kinda liked his hair, soft and reddish brown. His gray eyes shone like silver and I swear I could hear him speaking inside my mind but I just couldn't capture the thought, I wasn't able to hear his call.
And then the music stopped. One of the greatest moments of my life. I knew I was going to analyze and re-analyze it over the coming days but dammit it felt f###ing incredible!
BING BONG GONG!!! The legendary clock we nicknamed 'Miss Carol' in our eleventh years was striking the Midnight hour and thus the end of the ball.
People were clapping me on the back. My best buddy Junior hugged me and even kissed me on the cheek the lamer haha! Him on one cheek and his girl Beth on the other. My ex - Sue and Hec were there congratulating me and smiling warmly.
Lenore winked at me and gave me her devastating devil woman smile. In former times my cock woulda been crowing five to the dozen but not tonight, not no more.
I only wanted to look into his eyes, see his smile, and feel his touch. I turned back to reach for him, he was gone. I felt like a prince whose Cinderella had fled. And not even a glass slipper in sight. I didn't even get a kiss. By the next time I'd see him, the sun would be shining and all the lights would be on.
'Ohhhhh what are you thinking of? What are you thinking of? What are you thinking of?...'
::: Please join me again for the next chapter ::: All out of love - Air Supply - Arista 1980
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOQs1SeOUN0