Kevin stared out the window often. There was much to think about at his age. He could see the acres of corn growing across the road. He could see the farmhands bringing in the tractors at the end of a long day of sunbacked work. And he could see his father talking to them and turning to the house as he did everyday.
And he could see his favorite place, the hill with the pecan tree. It was planted the day he was born, his parents said. And now 18 years later it had grown.
"Still a young tree, like us" Alan, his best friend, had said.
They would sit there for hours talking about life, school and sneaking the forbidden joys of cigarettes.
There were six of them there in Kevin's family plus the two workers. Kevin and his three siblings listened to the grownups talk and hoped they wouldn't be asked questions about school or their activities. But usually their mother and father did..and they would blush but try to answer briefly hoping the attention would go to a different sibling or Clark or Max the workers who shared their dinner table.
Talking to his friends at school, Kevin realized everyone had the same thing going on in their homes. There was no abuse, no arguments, no divorce, not even a wide thick belt threatening them.
Kevin had it pretty good and he knew it but for some reason he wasn't happy. He read all teenagers go through this self questioning period.
His older sister had her own life, his younger sister and little brother all had their own problems, fun and lives. So Kevin couldn't talk to them.
There was only Alan. He met Alan in gym class in high school. They bonded almost immediately while skipping gym class one day as they smoked the forbidden cigarettes behind the school furnace building.
And for the three years that followed they shared enthusiasm for computer games, sci fi films, summers of carefree living and even a summer of hard work his father introduced him to just before graduation. But to his joy Alan was there too, shirtless sweating and working along side him.
"It will do you both good" His father had said.
Kevin had to admit he liked how the lifting and hard work seemed to change his body. Where there were slight bulges, muscles emerged. Even Alan complimented him. And he secretly admired Alan's body too..but then he had for years.
To his father's suprise Kevin and Alan both wanted to do it again the summer after graduation.
Eventhough their friendship started while they were skipping gym class, Alan liked gym. He liked being naked in the locker room where he could see the other boys' bodies. First he snuck glances to compare them to himself. Then he would think of them while masturbating.
But it began to confuse him. He heard the other guys talk about the girls, their growing breasts, their asses and lips, he didn't seem to feel the same way. Alan and he double dated now and then. And Kevin enjoyed Marisa. She was fun to be with, talk to and they even talked about the guys in school.
"you know you're gay right?" she said one afternoon. Kevin was stunned. He realized they had both been talking about the various guys in their class so much she thought he was gay. "No way" he replied. But as time passed he knew that wasn't true. Marisa had known what took him far longer to realize, let alone accept.
"Why are you reading those?" Alan said one say during senior year. The books on the table, Alan had gotten from the city library. Titled "Lifestyles in the 21st Century" and "Guide to life and love for the Gay Community" and others.
"Oh just for a paper for class" Alan said trying to deflect Alan from the subject. Alan looked through one of the books. "Hey did you know this?" he pointed to a paragraph.
Kevin wasn't ready to tell Alan the real reason the books were there. "Yea, I guess. Come on let's go"
But that was then...over a year ago.
Kevin had read those books and more. He had read magazines like the Advocate in the library when nobody was looking.
He learned more about who he suspected he was. And slowly he accepted the fact that he was indeed homosexual. He liked good looking men. He liked fantasizing about being with them while he played with his erect penis, butt and nipples. Sometimes the orgams would be so exhausting he lay there breathlessley for what seemed like hours. Other times he just needed to "get off" and resumed his non sexual activities quickly.
That summer he lifted, pitched haybales, drove the tractor, weeded the garden, plowed corn stalks under the earth and shoveled cow dung. Alan was there too. His smile, sweat and aroma excited Kevin more and more.
There wasn't any classmates to worry about now. No judgamental teachers and no girls he had to pretend to be attracted to. There was only Alan and him working hard like men. His father complimented him on his work. His mother fed him as usual. His siblings went about their lives and enjoyed Kevin's taunting like always.
He wrestled on the grassy lawn with his little brother and read him stories as always.
"You are the perfect son" His mother said to him on his birthday as his parents handed him a letter.
It read, congratulations, you are accepted to attend State College in the fall. To Kevin's surprise they had filed his application, even though they had said it would take another year for them to save up.
"Your the perfect brother" his older sister said offering a kiss and a hug too. She gave him a gift certificate to the town clothing store.
Alan appeared and said he was taking Kevin out to celebrate. They drove the distance to Charlotte. And there they danced in a club that didn't seem to care if boys were dancing together or girls or mixed.
Kevin didn't know what to think..
"Just enjoy yourself" Alan said. Kevin gyrated and watched Alan do the same. There they were in the middle of the crowded dance floor dancing together.
Beer drinking and pizza eating late in the night found the two with new found friends in someones apartment.
And when the sun woke them they were still there, sleeping on the couch side by side. And around them were other new friends sleeping on the floor, chairs everywhere.
"You two ready for some coffee?" one of their hosts, Ben offered Kevin as he was rousing himself. Kevin took the coffee.
"So how long have the two of you been together?" Ben asked.
Kevin took a moment to realize what Ben thought. "Oh, no, we're not er ah , we're best friends that's all" he said.
"Shame, you two look great together....hot young guys....in the spring of your lives"
Kevin started to say "I"m not gay" but somewhere mid sentence he stopped.
"Huh?" Ben looked and smiled but said nothing further.
Kevin turned polite thanking him for the coffee and party as he woke Alan up.
He looked at his shirtless friend in bed and Kevin's cock hardened in his shorts. There was something he knew special about the way he felt about Alan. One day, he knew, Alan would find out about him and their friendship would probably end. Kevin didn't want that to happen.
The summer ended and Kevin was two weeks away from going to State College Freshman orientation. Alan would be going away to another campus.
He stared out the window. It was twilight. The wind was stirred up by cooling air and waving the pecan tree Kevin knew so well.
As he thought about his life which had changed so much in the last year and was about to change further. He saw Alan trudging up the hill. Alan had stayed for dinner and Kevin thought left for his own home much earlier.
Alan sat down at the base of the tree facing away from the house. Kevin moved as if in a trance. He wanted to be there too.
"Hey buddy" Alan said barely looking up "knew you'd come"
They shared a cigarette, made comments about the end of their working summer and school ahead.
Then Kevin felt Alan's hand rest on his.
"going to miss you man" he said. Kevin started to reply but Alan continued "something changed when we got together"
Kevin feared that Alan was about to say he knew about him.
"I didn't belong anywhere, you know?" Alan said "you kind of helped give me a direction"
Kevin didn't know why Alan was saying this. They had talked about life and the usual teenage anxst of course. But usually they just vented and listened to each other.
"You made it easier and fun" Alan said.
Then something happened that made Kevin dizzy. Alan kissed him on the cheek.
"Sorry, I just had to do more then shake your hand" Alan said. Kevin was afraid to look at Alan but out of the corner of his eye, he saw Alan staring straight ahead too.
Then something happend that Kevin couldn't control. He kissed Alan on the cheek and added "I'm not sorry for that. I knd of wanted to do that a long time".
Alan turned his face and Kevin say tears. He smiled and felt his own eyes tearing.
"Shit" Alan said as he moved close. The next kiss was lips to lips. They surrounded each other with their arms as they had done before..but this time was different. Oh so different.
Their hands moved under their shirts to really touch each other. Kevin knew that if anyone in his house looked towards the hill they would see what was happening.
He didn't care. He knew that his father would probably rip the college check in two and he's be sent packing. His mother would cry and his sisters would probably call him faggot or worse. He's be hitchiking on the highway by morning with his knapsack and his life would really change.
But Alan was in his arms, touching his erection, sliding his tongue inside his mouth. They weren't having sex, they were making love.
As their bodies moved over each other, they groaned, moaned, kissed harder and deeper and inside their bodies reacted and expolded.
Kevin knew what might happen next. Alan would disappear and they would never talk about this day again. Perhaps he would never write him. If they were both back in their hometown for the holidays, they would avoid each other. Alan would soon get up and leave, not saying a word. Kevin waited.
But Alan didn't move. They still held each other. And then the words came that told Kevin things would not be as he imagined.
"Shit man, why did we wait so long?" Alan said. His face was still tear stained. But his smile was it's usual bright and joyful self.
Kevin kissed him. "I don't know" he said though he did know. Fear, self doubt, self definition, relationships, the future, the present, the family, his peers, the teachers....all seemed so silly now.
"I don't know" he added "want to stay over?" he asked.
Alan has slept over many times before but that night would be something different.
"Naw, can't, got to spend time with the folks, last couple of weekends you know?" Alan moved to his knees.
"Call you?" he said
"Sure" Kevin, disapppointed returned to the imagined possiblities. Kevin would act like everything was ok but he'd never call. Two weeks from now they would both leave for college and this would the last time they would even speak, let alone see each other.
"Yea, I understand, me too" he said and he wastched Alan shoulder his knapsack nd head across the field to continue his walk home.
Nobody had seen them. At least nobody said anything as Kevin came home. He kissed his mother good night and went to bed, refusing to let himself stare out the window at the hill and pecan tree where he and Alan has just shared their souls.
The dawn came and Kevin woke to the sound of the phone ringing.
"Hey can I come over?" It was Alan.